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foreign

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Russell and this is social skills coaching 
brought to you by Newton Media Group and  

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Patrick King stick around and learn to be more 
likable more charismatic and more productive  

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today is January 31st 2023.

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if you're the kind of person who's derived 
much of their self-identity from being nice  

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kind accommodating or charitable then Patrick King 
has some advice for you to set up some boundaries  

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this from his book stand up for yourself set 
boundaries and stop pleasing others foreign

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When you people-please, you 
often deny your own needs.

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You take the hit and quietly resent it, or bite 
your tongue when you desperately need to speak up.

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Poor boundaries dent your self-esteem, 
weaken your genuine connections to others,  

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and sometimes force you to try to meet 
your needs indirectly, with bad results.

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If all of this is true, then why 
do people continue to have poor  

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boundaries and choose people-pleasing instead?

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The reason is because there are 
benefits to being a people-pleaser.

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It actually does pay off—at 
least in the short term.

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In the moment, you may feel popular and in demand.

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People may approve of you, and you may even 
get the addictive ego-stroking that comes  

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with people openly acknowledging 
that you are sacrificing yourself.

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“Oh, you’re a saint!

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Thank you so much.

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I don’t know what I’d do without you!”

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“He’s such a great guy.

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He’d give you the shirt off his back.”

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“You’re my star employee.

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You’re ultra-productive and 
nothing is ever too much trouble.”

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This high is momentary, though.

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What’s more, it’s usually quite superficial—i.e.,  

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the approval you garner seems to rest entirely 
and exclusively on your doing what others wanted.

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How genuine could someone’s approval and 
respect have really been if it shatters  

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the moment you dare to have your 
own opinion, limits, or priorities?

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If you’re the kind of person who has derived 
much of their self-identity from being nice,  

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kind, accommodating, and charitable, 
this role can be hard to give up.

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That’s why you need to remind yourself of 
how expensive it is; i.e., what it costs you:  

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your self-esteem, your sense of calm and 
balance, your dignity, your time and resources,  

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and the opportunity to pursue your own life on 
your own terms according to your own values.

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That’s a big price to pay!

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People-pleasing has some benefits, 
but it has far, far more drawbacks.

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Setting appropriate boundaries is an adult 
life skill that everyone needs to master.

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Many people-pleasers unconsciously think, 
“Oh, setting boundaries is something other  

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people do ... ” and they create a 
special exception for themselves.

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But it doesn’t matter if you’re 
a busy parent or an employee in a  

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high-powered career ... everyone 
needs boundaries, including you.

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Before we look at how to 
set and maintain boundaries,  

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let’s consider a few deeper core 
beliefs that may be standing in the way.

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You may say, “Oh, I couldn’t take a day off.

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The place would be a circus 
without me,” but deep down,  

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your reason for not setting boundaries at 
work is not really because you are needed.

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Beneath this excuse may be beliefs like:

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I don’t deserve to get what I want or need.

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My needs aren’t that important, or 
not as important as other people’s.

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Having boundaries shows I’m weak and can’t cope.

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Having boundaries means I’m selfish and indulgent.

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I may not want to do things, but I have to if I 
want approval/safety/attention/love/validation.

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We’ve encountered these very same limiting 
and self-defeating beliefs before!

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And we’ve also seen that 
they’re just not accurate.

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If we want a happier, healthier 
life for ourselves, we need to  

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seriously challenge these underlying 
assumptions, or nothing will change.

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Here are five tips to help you make 
that mindset shift one day at a time:

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Reframe What You Are Keeping 
OUT with Your Boundary

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When you erect a boundary, it’s to keep 
away things you don’t want in your life.

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You are not punishing anyone or pushing 
away something that is good for you.

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If you’re worried that having a 
boundary will offend or alienate people,  

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consider this: anyone who doesn’t 
respect a natural and reasonable  

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boundary is not someone you want 
in your life in the first place!

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It is no prize to figure out 
how to manipulate yourself  

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in order to keep such a person in your world.

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If you have poor boundaries, you actually end  

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up attracting precisely the kind of 
people who like pushing boundaries.

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If you forfeit your own needs, you 
will find plenty of people around  

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you who are happy to follow 
your lead and do the same.

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A boundary keeps out anyone or anything 
that will make never-ending demands on you.

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That’s a good thing.

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The next time you’re hesitant 
about saying no or drawing a limit  

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because you worry that you’re putting 
someone on the other side of the line,  

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remind yourself that this is behavior you 
want to put on the other side of the line.

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Draw a line and put stress, obligation, 
guilt, and fear on the other side of it.

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Mindset shift: “If I turn him down, he’ll 
be offended,” could be, “If I turn him down,  

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I’ll feel less pressured and won’t have to deal 
with that feeling of guilt/obligation anymore,  

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and I’ll feel more confident in 
myself and what I really want."

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You’re not keeping a good thing out (this 
man’s approval) but keeping a good thing  

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in (your own self-confidence) and a 
bad thing out (his potential offense).

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Trust Your Feelings

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People-pleasers love dismissing their 
intuition, downplaying their emotions,  

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and assuming that their reactions are 
silly, inaccurate, or disproportionate.

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It’s all just a way of saying, 
“My feelings don’t matter."

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They do matter!

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Your feelings matter because they allow you to 
recognize your own wants, needs, and limitations.

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They alert you to the fact of a potential boundary  

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violation and let you know when 
you are pushing yourself too far.

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Your habit may be to quickly squash 
down any feelings of anger, fear,  

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exhaustion, or disappointment.

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But instead, you could welcome these feelings 
and choose to listen to what they’re telling you.

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No, this doesn’t mean you lose control 
and let your feelings flood you;  

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it just means you respect them.

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This teaches others to respect them, too.

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Trusting and naming your feelings 
is work nobody else can do for you.

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Mindset shift: After someone invades your 
privacy, for example, and you feel a pang  

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of anger, instead of swallowing this anger 
and saying, “Oh, it’s nothing, don’t worry,”  

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you acknowledge your feelings and calmly say, 
“Actually, I’m not happy that you did that.”

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Your feeling of anger is the foundation 
on which you build your boundary.

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Without it, you are left floundering, 
trying to be “polite” and getting nowhere.

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Respect Other People’s Boundaries

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It may not be nice to hear, 
but people-pleasers can often  

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be the worst offenders when it comes to 
walking over the boundaries of others.

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If we routinely dismiss our own needs, it’s 
actually easier to do the same to other peoples’.

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Our relationship with ourselves is always 
mirrored in the relationships we have with others.

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Person A could fail to establish a clear and 
solid boundary by not properly communicating their  

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limits—for example, they fail to say, “I don’t 
like you dumping your emotional baggage on me.”

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Person B then violates that boundary, i.e., dumps 
a whole lot of emotional baggage on Person A.

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Person A is upset but, again, 
doesn’t communicate this feeling.

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They lash out at Person B—and in doing so, 
they break Person B’s boundary, in turn.

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Person A gets so frustrated that they share 
details of Person B’s life with someone else,  

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encouraging gossip and violating Person B’s trust.

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Having poor boundaries is 
not just a private matter.

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The way we conduct ourselves is reflected 
in our relationships with others, and our  

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attitude ripples out to influence our broader 
workplace cultures, families, and communities.

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Work at respecting and being grateful for 
other people’s clear and healthy boundaries.

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Practice what you preach.

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Mindset shift: Instead of quietly thinking, 
“They always push me around, so they owe me,  

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and that means I don’t really have 
to respect their boundaries,” think,  

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“Respect is not a transaction 
or a bargaining chip.

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I accept other people’s boundaries gladly because 
it’s nothing less than I would expect for myself.”

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Give up Explaining

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People-pleasers, at their core,  

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secretly feel that they don’t quite deserve 
to take up as much space as everyone else.

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For this, they apologize, and 
their apologies take the form  

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of “explaining” and justifying their 
feelings, their actions, their choices.

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To whom?

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To the people they believe do deserve it.

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In other words, people-pleasers 
may make the unconscious assumption  

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that the default is for them to put 
others first, and any time they don’t,  

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they better explain themselves and 
have a good reason for doing so!

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“I can’t help out with the 
fundraiser, I’m so sorry.

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I’ve been having an awful time 
with my mental health lately,  

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and really, it’s because I’ve taken too much on.

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I ordinarily would have said 
yes, but I’m pretty exhausted,  

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and I think it might have something to do 
with the cold I caught two weeks back ... ”

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When you first start setting healthier boundaries,  

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you may discover that there are lots 
of genuine reasons to have them.

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But then you may have another insight: you also 
deserve to have a boundary for no reason at all!

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And even if you do have a reason, you’re not 
required to offer it to the other person.

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You can say no just because you want to say no, 
and you don’t owe anyone a long justification.

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You especially don’t want to get 
trapped into inappropriate oversharing.

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Say no, then stop talking.

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Assert your boundary, and just hold that boundary.

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Justifications often sound like 
excuses to other people, anyway,  

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because unconsciously they 
will hear the hidden apology.

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Mindset shift: “I have to tell them all the 
reasons I’m not doing what they want me to do”  

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becomes “Is there any reason to do it?”

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Acquiescing endlessly to other people’s 
demands is not your default setting.

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Follow up with Action

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It can be scary asserting a boundary.

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Let’s say you have a demanding friend 
who always invites you out but pushes  

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you to come on inconvenient days 
to places you don’t really like,  

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and where half the time, you end up paying 
because they “forget” their wallet at home.

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This friend is constantly using you 
as free therapy, and you’re frankly a  

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little fed up with the endless “emotion 
dumps” (hello, it’s Person B again).

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You decide to set some boundaries.

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For example:

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“I have work in the morning so I 
can’t do a late night, I’m afraid!”

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“I’ve been overspending on nights out lately.

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Would you like to do something that 
doesn’t cost anything, instead?

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Let’s do that hike we keep talking about.”

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“I’m sorry, can we talk about something else?”

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Most people mean well.

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If you set a reasonable and valid 
boundary with calm conviction,  

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most people will respect it, 
even if it does take a few tries.

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But that’s most people—some people will 
see your boundary and walk right past it.

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What then?

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Implicit in any boundary is a soft ultimatum.

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You are announcing your limits, your 
desires, and the terms of engagement,  

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i.e., the rules you have in place 
for how you interact with others.

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There is nothing wrong with this—we all have 
conditions on which we’ll engage with others.

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If those conditions aren’t met, 
we stop engaging, end of story.

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It can be helpful to literally sit down and draw 
up a list of “dealbreakers” for engaging with you.

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For example:

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I won’t tolerate lying.

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I won’t spend too much time on people who 
have no genuine interest in me as a person.

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I will never allow someone to 
belittle me or call me names.

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You don’t have to communicate these rules.

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You just have to know what 
they are, set your boundaries,  

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and then, if those boundaries are violated, act.

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And yes, acting may mean reducing 
contact with that person.

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It may even mean permanently 
ending a relationship.

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For a people-pleaser, this 
can look like a scary outcome,  

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but remind yourself that if someone repeatedly 
violates a clearly communicated boundary,  

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then it is not you who is de-valuing 
your relationship, but them.

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Mindset shift: You could say,  

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“It will be a disaster if I have to put 
my foot down or end a relationship."

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Or you could say, “I don’t have to continue 
engaging with people who don’t respect me.

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The disaster would be to know I 
deserve respect ... and continue to  

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tolerate a situation where I know I won’t get it.”

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Boundary-setting seems hard when you’re not 
used to it, but it’s actually really simple.

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1.

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Identify your need or limit

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2.

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Communicate it clearly in terms of that need (not  

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in terms of the other’s behavior, 
just in terms of your own need)

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3.

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Behave accordingly (i.e., if the 
boundary is not respected, take action)

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For example:

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1.

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“I need to have enough rest and free time.”

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2.

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“I don’t check my emails in the evenings or 
during weekends, as that’s when I’m off work.”

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3.

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Set an automatic reply for 
your out-of-office hours,  

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and commit to only replying to emails 
or answering calls during work hours.

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A boundary is easy to understand when you 
think of it as a rule you have for yourself  

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and the “rules” on which your world runs.

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It’s not a demand on others’ behavior, a threat, 
a justification, a plea, or a punishment.

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It’s an assertion about the 
standards you hold for yourself.

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Once you realize this, things 
become so much simpler.

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thanks for listening to social skills coaching  

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if you like what you heard we hope you'll pass 
along our web address newtonmg.com to your friends  

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and colleagues and also that of our author today 
bitly slash PK Consulting this has been a Newton  

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Media Group production join us next week for 
the next episode of social skills coaching