foreign

Russell and this is social skills coaching  brought to you by Newton Media Group and

Patrick King stick around and learn to be more  likable more charismatic and more productive

today is January 31st 2023.

if you're the kind of person who's derived  much of their self-identity from being nice

kind accommodating or charitable then Patrick King  has some advice for you to set up some boundaries

this from his book stand up for yourself set  boundaries and stop pleasing others foreign

When you people-please, you  often deny your own needs.

You take the hit and quietly resent it, or bite  your tongue when you desperately need to speak up.

Poor boundaries dent your self-esteem,  weaken your genuine connections to others,

and sometimes force you to try to meet  your needs indirectly, with bad results.

If all of this is true, then why  do people continue to have poor

boundaries and choose people-pleasing instead?

The reason is because there are  benefits to being a people-pleaser.

It actually does pay off—at  least in the short term.

In the moment, you may feel popular and in demand.

People may approve of you, and you may even  get the addictive ego-stroking that comes

with people openly acknowledging  that you are sacrificing yourself.

“Oh, you’re a saint!

Thank you so much.

I don’t know what I’d do without you!”

“He’s such a great guy.

He’d give you the shirt off his back.”

“You’re my star employee.

You’re ultra-productive and  nothing is ever too much trouble.”

This high is momentary, though.

What’s more, it’s usually quite superficial—i.e.,

the approval you garner seems to rest entirely  and exclusively on your doing what others wanted.

How genuine could someone’s approval and  respect have really been if it shatters

the moment you dare to have your  own opinion, limits, or priorities?

If you’re the kind of person who has derived  much of their self-identity from being nice,

kind, accommodating, and charitable,  this role can be hard to give up.

That’s why you need to remind yourself of  how expensive it is; i.e., what it costs you:

your self-esteem, your sense of calm and  balance, your dignity, your time and resources,

and the opportunity to pursue your own life on  your own terms according to your own values.

That’s a big price to pay!

People-pleasing has some benefits,  but it has far, far more drawbacks.

Setting appropriate boundaries is an adult  life skill that everyone needs to master.

Many people-pleasers unconsciously think,  “Oh, setting boundaries is something other

people do ... ” and they create a  special exception for themselves.

But it doesn’t matter if you’re  a busy parent or an employee in a

high-powered career ... everyone  needs boundaries, including you.

Before we look at how to  set and maintain boundaries,

let’s consider a few deeper core  beliefs that may be standing in the way.

You may say, “Oh, I couldn’t take a day off.

The place would be a circus  without me,” but deep down,

your reason for not setting boundaries at  work is not really because you are needed.

Beneath this excuse may be beliefs like:

I don’t deserve to get what I want or need.

My needs aren’t that important, or  not as important as other people’s.

Having boundaries shows I’m weak and can’t cope.

Having boundaries means I’m selfish and indulgent.

I may not want to do things, but I have to if I  want approval/safety/attention/love/validation.

We’ve encountered these very same limiting  and self-defeating beliefs before!

And we’ve also seen that  they’re just not accurate.

If we want a happier, healthier  life for ourselves, we need to

seriously challenge these underlying  assumptions, or nothing will change.

Here are five tips to help you make  that mindset shift one day at a time:

Reframe What You Are Keeping  OUT with Your Boundary

When you erect a boundary, it’s to keep  away things you don’t want in your life.

You are not punishing anyone or pushing  away something that is good for you.

If you’re worried that having a  boundary will offend or alienate people,

anyone who doesn’t  respect a natural and reasonable

boundary is not someone you want  in your life in the first place!

It is no prize to figure out  how to manipulate yourself

in order to keep such a person in your world.

If you have poor boundaries, you actually end

up attracting precisely the kind of  people who like pushing boundaries.

If you forfeit your own needs, you  will find plenty of people around

you who are happy to follow  your lead and do the same.

A boundary keeps out anyone or anything  that will make never-ending demands on you.

That’s a good thing.

The next time you’re hesitant  about saying no or drawing a limit

because you worry that you’re putting  someone on the other side of the line,

remind yourself that this is behavior you  want to put on the other side of the line.

Draw a line and put stress, obligation,  guilt, and fear on the other side of it.

“If I turn him down, he’ll  be offended,” could be, “If I turn him down,

I’ll feel less pressured and won’t have to deal  with that feeling of guilt/obligation anymore,

and I’ll feel more confident in  myself and what I really want."

You’re not keeping a good thing out (this  man’s approval) but keeping a good thing

in (your own self-confidence) and a  bad thing out (his potential offense).

Trust Your Feelings

People-pleasers love dismissing their  intuition, downplaying their emotions,

and assuming that their reactions are  silly, inaccurate, or disproportionate.

It’s all just a way of saying,  “My feelings don’t matter."

They do matter!

Your feelings matter because they allow you to  recognize your own wants, needs, and limitations.

They alert you to the fact of a potential boundary

violation and let you know when  you are pushing yourself too far.

Your habit may be to quickly squash  down any feelings of anger, fear,

exhaustion, or disappointment.

But instead, you could welcome these feelings  and choose to listen to what they’re telling you.

No, this doesn’t mean you lose control  and let your feelings flood you;

it just means you respect them.

This teaches others to respect them, too.

Trusting and naming your feelings  is work nobody else can do for you.

After someone invades your  privacy, for example, and you feel a pang

of anger, instead of swallowing this anger  and saying, “Oh, it’s nothing, don’t worry,”

you acknowledge your feelings and calmly say,  “Actually, I’m not happy that you did that.”

Your feeling of anger is the foundation  on which you build your boundary.

Without it, you are left floundering,  trying to be “polite” and getting nowhere.

Respect Other People’s Boundaries

It may not be nice to hear,  but people-pleasers can often

be the worst offenders when it comes to  walking over the boundaries of others.

If we routinely dismiss our own needs, it’s  actually easier to do the same to other peoples’.

Our relationship with ourselves is always  mirrored in the relationships we have with others.

Person A could fail to establish a clear and  solid boundary by not properly communicating their

limits—for example, they fail to say, “I don’t  like you dumping your emotional baggage on me.”

Person B then violates that boundary, i.e., dumps  a whole lot of emotional baggage on Person A.

Person A is upset but, again,  doesn’t communicate this feeling.

They lash out at Person B—and in doing so,  they break Person B’s boundary, in turn.

Person A gets so frustrated that they share  details of Person B’s life with someone else,

encouraging gossip and violating Person B’s trust.

Having poor boundaries is  not just a private matter.

The way we conduct ourselves is reflected  in our relationships with others, and our

attitude ripples out to influence our broader  workplace cultures, families, and communities.

Work at respecting and being grateful for  other people’s clear and healthy boundaries.

Practice what you preach.

Instead of quietly thinking,  “They always push me around, so they owe me,

and that means I don’t really have  to respect their boundaries,” think,

“Respect is not a transaction  or a bargaining chip.

I accept other people’s boundaries gladly because  it’s nothing less than I would expect for myself.”

Give up Explaining

People-pleasers, at their core,

secretly feel that they don’t quite deserve  to take up as much space as everyone else.

For this, they apologize, and  their apologies take the form

of “explaining” and justifying their  feelings, their actions, their choices.

To whom?

To the people they believe do deserve it.

In other words, people-pleasers  may make the unconscious assumption

that the default is for them to put  others first, and any time they don’t,

they better explain themselves and  have a good reason for doing so!

“I can’t help out with the  fundraiser, I’m so sorry.

I’ve been having an awful time  with my mental health lately,

and really, it’s because I’ve taken too much on.

I ordinarily would have said  yes, but I’m pretty exhausted,

and I think it might have something to do  with the cold I caught two weeks back ... ”

When you first start setting healthier boundaries,

you may discover that there are lots  of genuine reasons to have them.

But then you may have another insight 00:11:32

you also  deserve to have a boundary for no reason at all!

But then you may have another insight 00:11:39

And even if you do have a reason, you’re not  required to offer it to the other person.

But then you may have another insight 00:11:45

You can say no just because you want to say no,  and you don’t owe anyone a long justification.

But then you may have another insight 00:11:52

You especially don’t want to get  trapped into inappropriate oversharing.

But then you may have another insight 00:11:57

Say no, then stop talking.

But then you may have another insight 00:12:01

Assert your boundary, and just hold that boundary.

But then you may have another insight 00:12:04

Justifications often sound like  excuses to other people, anyway,

But then you may have another insight 00:12:08

because unconsciously they  will hear the hidden apology.

“I have to tell them all the  reasons I’m not doing what they want me to do”

becomes “Is there any reason to do it?”

Acquiescing endlessly to other people’s  demands is not your default setting.

Follow up with Action

It can be scary asserting a boundary.

Let’s say you have a demanding friend  who always invites you out but pushes

you to come on inconvenient days  to places you don’t really like,

and where half the time, you end up paying  because they “forget” their wallet at home.

This friend is constantly using you  as free therapy, and you’re frankly a

little fed up with the endless “emotion  dumps” (hello, it’s Person B again).

You decide to set some boundaries.

For example:

“I have work in the morning so I  can’t do a late night, I’m afraid!”

“I’ve been overspending on nights out lately.

Would you like to do something that  doesn’t cost anything, instead?

Let’s do that hike we keep talking about.”

“I’m sorry, can we talk about something else?”

Most people mean well.

If you set a reasonable and valid  boundary with calm conviction,

most people will respect it,  even if it does take a few tries.

But that’s most people—some people will  see your boundary and walk right past it.

What then?

Implicit in any boundary is a soft ultimatum.

You are announcing your limits, your  desires, and the terms of engagement,

i.e., the rules you have in place  for how you interact with others.

There is nothing wrong with this—we all have  conditions on which we’ll engage with others.

If those conditions aren’t met,  we stop engaging, end of story.

It can be helpful to literally sit down and draw  up a list of “dealbreakers” for engaging with you.

For example:

I won’t tolerate lying.

I won’t spend too much time on people who  have no genuine interest in me as a person.

I will never allow someone to  belittle me or call me names.

You don’t have to communicate these rules.

You just have to know what  they are, set your boundaries,

and then, if those boundaries are violated, act.

And yes, acting may mean reducing  contact with that person.

It may even mean permanently  ending a relationship.

For a people-pleaser, this  can look like a scary outcome,

but remind yourself that if someone repeatedly  violates a clearly communicated boundary,

then it is not you who is de-valuing  your relationship, but them.

You could say,

“It will be a disaster if I have to put  my foot down or end a relationship."

Or you could say, “I don’t have to continue  engaging with people who don’t respect me.

The disaster would be to know I  deserve respect ... and continue to

tolerate a situation where I know I won’t get it.”

Boundary-setting seems hard when you’re not  used to it, but it’s actually really simple.

1.

Identify your need or limit

2.

Communicate it clearly in terms of that need (not

in terms of the other’s behavior,  just in terms of your own need)

3.

Behave accordingly (i.e., if the  boundary is not respected, take action)

For example:

1.

“I need to have enough rest and free time.”

2.

“I don’t check my emails in the evenings or  during weekends, as that’s when I’m off work.”

3.

Set an automatic reply for  your out-of-office hours,

and commit to only replying to emails  or answering calls during work hours.

A boundary is easy to understand when you  think of it as a rule you have for yourself

and the “rules” on which your world runs.

It’s not a demand on others’ behavior, a threat,  a justification, a plea, or a punishment.

It’s an assertion about the  standards you hold for yourself.

Once you realize this, things  become so much simpler.

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