Hello, hello, and welcome to the Borealis

experience. I'm your host Aurora. And I'm very happy to be

spending some time with you.

Mondays and Thursdays is when I published my episodes. And yeah,

I don't know how that is for you. Maybe you download the

episode on that same day, maybe during the week sometime, but

for me, it feels like a zoo fix.

Like, a regular meeting with friends and people I can learn

from and it's just so incredibly precious for my soul for my

mental health. And, yeah, I hope I can bring you lots of value,

inspiration and hope and reflection as well.

It is December already, the year is coming to an end. And I don't

know how this year was for you. But it was a really tough one.

For me, as much as there was joyous times there was really

tough times as well. Lots of learning. So, yeah, all in all

very interesting.

Um, today I want to talk about fighting.

aggression. I feel we need to talk about those strong emotions

a little more often because they are embedded in our nature.

As much as some people would like to say that no, that never

aggressive and No, we never fight with anybody, especially

not with our spouse. Um, I don't think that is the truth.

I don't think that it is.

Yeah, real. I don't think that avoiding aggression at all cost

is healthy. And yeah, as you know me already or are getting

to know me better was every episode. What I express here is

my opinion. I'm a life coach. I'm a physiotherapist. But you

take it all with a grain of salt you take what is yeah. Good for

you. What resonates for you and you leave what doesn't feel

good? doesn't resonate with you? So how is it in your life? Do

you have conflicts on a regular? If you look at your

relationships, maybe you are in an intimate relationship right

now.

reflect for a moment. How honestly, you express yourself

in that relationship.

And then if you're not in a committed relationship, romantic

relationship, however we call it nowadays.

Look at your closest people and how you interact with them.

Especially when something Bugsy, when something annoys you,

when something is not going the way you imagined, because that's

when

friction arises, right? We don't run around and pick fights, I

guess. Yeah, there's these people too.

But when something happens in a different manner than we

anticipated, when a person reacts differently than we

wanted them to or expected them to.

When people do things in different ways than we are used

to doing them.

What else can we think of when we feel disrespected when we

feel the other person? Yeah, is not really valuing our reality.

Our there's so many, so like endlessly.

Like how do you say endless reasons to feel uncomfortable

and to have aggression come up inside of you.

And how do you deal with that?

I will share with you in a moment.

How it is for me and how it was for me.

I like especially with my partners, I used to be very

fiery.

And what that means is that every time I felt triggered

every time something yeah was bugging me,

I

started the argument. And I also have to say that I was a very

wounded woman back then, and I was with a partner, who was

yeah, really pushing my

buttons, and really touching my wounds on a regular and I did

the same for him, you know, not in a good way. We just push each

other's buttons, if not on a weekly, but bi weekly, and it

really got really explosive, many times. And when it came to

these fights, and I felt so triggered, and I felt so hurt, I

would enter the argument with an intention to hurt the other

person

with an intention to destroy something, not in the physical

world, like no material, no, no stuff that was laying around,

you know, not throwing things. But emotionally, mentally, I was

ready to, yeah, cause damage.

And of course, if you

know that this energy comes up, what is the outcome going to be?

The outcome is going to be pain, disappointment, separation? And,

yeah, lots of hurt feelings. And is that going to help the

relationship to grow? Hmm, it turned out and I had to learn it

the hard way, like so many things in my life, that it was

not strengthening our relationship.

What I've learned now in recent years,

and this is why I'm so passionate to talk about because

it was such a huge thing for me to find out, is that fighting is

not a bad thing. Because that's what what I, you know, concluded

is that fighting is gonna destroy a relationship. And then

it's basically the end.

And you can pack your things and get separated. And I tried to

suppress my anger in the future, in other relationships. But that

didn't work either. Because they ended up being aggressive in a

very subtle, manipulative, and passive aggressive way. So I was

really, yeah, hopeless with with that situation, because I didn't

know okay, these feelings are there, I can't do anything about

them. But how can I channel them outside of me

and turn the argument into something productive.

And what I'm learning now is that it is

very much possible, we can learn to express our anger or sadness

or disappointment, in a way that our partner will understand. And

for the future, will do everything, to not make it

happen again. And the fine line there is

that you have to find out okay, did the other person actually do

something to hurt me? Or is there something inside of me

that I still have to heal? Because sometimes when

aggression comes up, yeah, it can be our neighbor, a sibling

or partner doing something that is really stupid and annoying,

and doesn't make any sense and is maybe even harming others.

But I want you to look at it in the future. And see that

sometimes we feel aggression. We feel irritation and agitation

inside of us, triggered by someone on in the outside world.

But it has nothing to do with them. They just pushed the

little button. But we have to take ownership of those those

strong feelings now and find out why we are getting

being so aggressive, and why we are feeling so sad,

disappointed, powerless, helpless, in specific moments.

And then the art is

to express it. And to sit down with that person

in taking ownership how you feel, not blaming the other

person, because I tell you what 90% of the time, if not more, it

is you having to do some work on your wounded internal life. And

it has nothing to do with the person who pushed your button,

because they didn't know better, they didn't know that he was

still in pain, because we don't see it as an outsider, we don't

see where you are still in need of feeling the people around you

are not given a manual on how to handle you. This is how I think

we have to approach pretty much every relationship we are in, we

have to assume that the people know nothing about us. And we

have to do our part, to communicate the best way

possible, on how our brain or heart functions, what our soul

is longing for. And that is what true intimacy is for me

nowadays, is to open up to my partner and to say, hey,

you know what you said earlier,

I felt hurt.

It made me feel

unvalued let's say it made me feel small. And you might not be

aware that it makes me feel weird when you say these things.

But this is what happened in the past. And I'm working on it. I

don't want to be, you know, and victim mentality. I'm trying to

hear from this.

Can we talk about this a little further, and then move on.

So

and you can say this in a very emotional way, right? You it's

not about suppressing all your feelings and suppressing what

comes up. But taking ownership for what you feel. I think that

is the important thing that we we can all all learn here. Hey,

this really hurt me. Instead of trying to blame and shame the

other and attack back, which I, I used to yeah, do

we say Hey, this is actually what's going on inside of me

when you do these things, when you say these things? And can we

do something about it. And then the other person learns

something about you without feeling blamed or shamed. So

their channels of communication are still open, they're not

experiencing a shutdown.

And you get to express yourself, what's going on, and it is

incredibly healing.

It is so awesome, because

the argument is, as short as possible, the suffering is as

short as possible. And it is just, yeah, a great way to

connect with your partner on a deeper way. in a deeper way,

sorry. You know, so often we are in long term relationships, and

kind of start accepting things that Yeah, I know I asked about

the other person, but we decide not to say anything, because it

is not really important. And some things are really not

important to mention. But some some things are and if you

decide to not talk about it, then it is like a blister, you

know like a pimple

that is growing and growing and growing and it's gonna start to

hurt and you're gonna start and be sharp and like weird with

your partner, you're going to maybe start avoiding them, or

you're going to start teasing them and and hurting them. And

that is not good. That is going to create separation. People are

going to start building walls and guard their heart. And

it's, it's not good to live that way. And I observed that you

know, with my

Parents with my grandparents even

many, many times

to then see me acting the very same way. So it is so

interesting to look at. How do your parents fight? How was it

when you were small? And you observed or were in fights

yourself? What did you learn about arguments? Did you learn

that it is a bad thing and it leads to separation on pain? Or

did you learn that it is okay to express your emotions and to

totally lash out? Or did you learn on how to communicate when

something is? Yeah, not so awesome in your life. So, as

usual, I'm burning to hear your experience with fighting and how

you deal with with fights with your spouse, with the parents,

with your friends, with your siblings, whoever it is,

because I believe we can all learn from each other. We can

all help each other out. Connect with me on Facebook, Aurora

Eggert coaching, or simply Aurora Eggert. shoot me a

message there. You can connect with me on Instagram the

Borealis experience. And if you don't mind, make some time and

leave a review on Apple podcast

or a rating. And same goes for the Aurora Eggert coaching

page. It means the world to me and helps me to be more visible

to people out there who would yeah greatly need the content to

heal and to feel less lonely. And yeah, you are playing a big

part in that. Thank you so much for listening. I'm sending my

love out to you. Until next time, take good care. Bye bye