Welcome to the Mindful Dog Parent, the podcast for overwhelmed and anxious dog owners who are doing their best but still feel like they're getting it all wrong.

I'm Sian, a trauma informed coach and ethical dog trainer.

I created this podcast because dog parenting isn't always cute reels and perfect walks.

Sometimes it's tears after training, guilt in the quiet moments, or just feeling like you're the only one struggling.

If you've ever said, I love my dog, but this is really hard, you're in the right place.

Each week, I'll bring you calm, compassionate guidance to help you build confidence, regulate your emotions, and reconnect with your dog.

Even when things feel messy because you're not failing, you're just overwhelmed.

And you don't have to figure this out on your own.

You've probably heard people say, just be authentic.

Just be yourself.

Just be you all of the time.

But when you're tired, when you're anxious, when you try and hold it all together, what does that even mean?

Over the past few episodes, we've been talking about calm, connection and confidence.

But underneath all of that sits something even deeper, and that is authenticity.

Because this is the truth, and it's a hard truth, and it's an uncomfortable truth, but it is true nonetheless.

You can't find calm or connection or confidence if you are pretending to be someone that you're not.

Not in your life, not at work, not in your business, if you have one, and not with your dog.

That's where the link comes in with our dogs here.

If you've ever found yourself smiling on the outside, but your insides are saying, I'm not comfortable.

I can't do this, then this episode is for you.

So what does authenticity even mean?

And why is it really so hard?

So I want to start first by unraveling what it actually is.

Not necessarily as a buzzword, because it can just be thrown out there as a buzzword, but as a nervous system experience.

So authenticity for me, isn't about sharing everything.

It's not about laying your soul bare to everybody that listens.

But it's also not about being brutally honest either.

Those are extremes.

It's about alignment.

What you feel on the inside is matching how you show up on the outside.

That's authenticity.

That alignment between your inner voice, inner feelings, inner thoughts, and what you are putting out there.

And again, not in the extremes, in nervous system terms, that authenticity equals safety.

So when we're masking, when we're faking calm, when we're pretending we're fine, Our brain and bodies get out of sync.

And I've listened to another podcast recently that talks about how our brains and bodies are one.

They're not two separate entities.

They get kind of looked at separately a lot of the time, but they're very much connected.

And mindset can have a big impact on what our bodies are doing and how physiologically things start to happen and nervous system wise, how things start to happen.

So that disconnection and that, that misalignment with how your brain and body are sinking keeps us in a low level stress response.

And here's where our dogs come in.

Haven't forgotten about that link.

They don't read our words, they hear words that we say and they link them to certain things.

So if you say treat or if you say walk, or if you certain Teddy's name, they learn what they mean.

Any, any kind of training cue that you say, they will learn what they mean through repetition.

That pattern is what's teaching them and the motivation is teaching them that this thing means this.

But your dog won't be listening to me on this podcast right now, absorbing all of the words that I'm saying and taking them on board.

It would be great if they could, but it's just not happening.

As far as science is telling us right now, who knows what's happening in the future?

But they read our energy, they read our posture, they read our breathing, they read our tone of voice, they read our scent signals and the things that our bodies are telling them through scent.

So when we're saying it's fine, but our shoulders are tight, our breath is shallow, our dogs feel the truth and our tone of voice that they can pick up on.

They look at everything like that.

They read our body language really, really well.

And all those little subtle things that we don't even know half the time that we're doing, it's all subconscious.

So when we're saying it's fine, they will be reading all of those signals.

So authenticity then isn't about perfection.

It's about alignment.

It's about saying, I'm having a rough day instead of forcing a smile when you just don't want to do it.

It's about letting your dog know through our energy that it's okay to slow down today.

It's not about more, more, more, more, do it faster doing what's happening next.

We can say it's okay to slow down today.

So you might remember a few episodes back, I mentioned using a values filter.

So this is asking whether what you're doing Aligns with your core values.

So this would be in dog training terms.

I used an example of spraying water.

So somebody tells you to do it.

It could be a professional trainer.

It could be a friend, a family member, or a stranger at the park.

They see something happening, and they see the behavior, and they say, I did this with my dog.

And it worked.

You put that through your value filter, and if it doesn't align with your values, don't do it.

Because you're gonna say, I feel guilty.

I hate myself for doing this.

You're gonna say sorry to your dog like I did with my dog.

So in the episode, I talk about the example of spraying water.

A dog trainer in a class told me to spray water in my dog's face because she was barking.

It's about understanding what they're telling us.

My dog was really stressed in that situation, but the barking was annoying to the trainer and to the other dogs in that and humans in that group.

That's how it felt.

So she gave me this spray bottle and said, spray her in the face with the water.

I really, really, really did not want to do it.

I felt really bad because I said, I'm sorry.

And I did it once, only a little bit, and I felt awful.

The way she looked at me.

The stories in the previous episode.

But that's a value filter.

And I never went back to that class ever again.

And I never, ever sprayed my dog in the face with water ever, ever again after that.

And I rebuilt our connection after that one moment that that that happened.

And I made that choice that I did not want to do, but felt I had to.

If anybody told me to do anything like that, whether it was with my dogs or in life and I didn't feel comfortable, I would say no.

Or I would say, okay, take it on board and then not go do it.

If it's a stranger at the park, you might not see him again, or they'll see you the next time you say, did you try that thing?

And you could just go, yeah, or not really.

I don't really want to do it.

Whatever you want to say, but you're not doing it because it's not aligning with your values.

If kindness is one of your values.

So this is about authenticity, living and breathing out loud those values.

If kindness is one of yours, that does include.

I want to remind you, it does include kindness to yourself, not just to everyone else and your dog.

This is about being kind to yourself, too.

So if kindness is one of your values, be kind to yourself.

And it's harder.

I do know because I've experienced this myself.

I haven't been kind to myself when I've been kind to everyone else.

So it's something that I've experienced and gone through.

But it's something that I do do now and I give myself grace.

So if you have done stuff like this where like I sprayed my dog in the face with water, I made sure to give myself grace once I realized how bad I felt about it and I said I did it in that moment.

I only did it once I felt pressured to do it, but I realized that I didn't want to do it and I didn't go back.

So that was giving myself some kindness there.

So when we're living out of alignment, it does cost us.

There is a cost to that both physically and emotionally.

So maybe you felt that quite exhaustion that comes from constantly trying to get it right, having perfect training sessions, trying to always stay calm, to always prove that you're a good dog parent.

And that can be to others and to yourself to try and convince yourself that you're a good dog parent because you're doing the perfect training and always trying to stay calm.

This isn't just mental fatigue going on here, it's nervous system fatigue as well.

Every time you override what you feel, whether that's frustration, whether it's sadness, whether it's fear, your body is going to pay the price for that.

And it's the same with our dogs.

When they are suppressing a natural communication signal because they've been told no barking or no growling, it is going to build stress underneath the surface.

They already potentially feel stressed when they're doing to those two things.

Now, context is important.

Looking at the whole dog's body language is important.

So dogs can growl during play and it can be absolutely okay, my dogs do it.

I've worked with dogs in the past who are running around really happily, but they sound like they're about to go into full on attack mode.

But I know from that context that they're okay, the other dog's okay, and it's just fun.

But growling can also be I am very, extremely, extremely stressed right now.

I feel very threatened.

It's a big kind of step up the ladder of stress.

They have maybe given other signals prior to the growl.

They're telling you something with the growl.

So when they're told no, don't growl, they still feel the same way, that stress and anxiety is still there, but.

But they're suppressing it.

They've been told no, don't do this.

So they're going to not do that one thing.

But what's a big danger with that is with growling.

I will just add, as a little thing, that's not something that I was going to mention in the episode.

But when it comes to growling, the next step up the ladder is a bite.

So if you have corrected your dog for growling, again, no judgment from me.

If somebody's told you to do that or you think it's something that you don't want your dog to do, that's just you don't know what you don't know.

The next step up is a bite.

They will still feel the same way.

And that's where dogs can bite out of the blue.

It can seem like the dog has bitten out of the blue, but in the past, they've done all these other signals.

There are so many other signals below this that they're giving off the lick in their lips, the stress yawns, the showing the whites of their eyes called whale eyes.

So if you look at your dog's eyes when they're comfortable and happy, you can't see the whites of their eyes.

If they show the whites of their eyes, they're not very happy if they're rolling on their backs again.

Some dogs do this to say, give me a belly rub.

Some dogs are doing it because in context, they're saying, I don't feel comfortable right now.

I'm laying on my back and I do not feel super comfortable.

Please don't hurt me.

I'm not going to hurt you again.

People can get bitten because they go, oh, they want a belly rubber.

It's reading.

All of you can see how reading all of their body language and understanding what they're trying to say is super important.

I can put some details in the show, notes of some resources that you can use to understand your dog's body language in more detail, because it will really help.

But that's just something that I wanted to mention.

I've gone off piste about it, but I think it's really important because it is going to build stress underneath the surface if we're ignoring or correcting these signals.

But the same applies to us when we suppress, it leaks out in other ways and that will be through snapping, through, shutting down, or if it's quite extreme and it's been going on for a while, burnout.

It does lead to that because our emotional needs aren't being met.

We aren't listening to what our bodies are telling us, and therefore it has to go somewhere it has to come out in some way.

So if you've been trying to stay endlessly calm following every dog training account and still feel intense, it is not because you're bad at it.

It's not because you can't be calm, it's because you are human.

This isn't about being these things all of the time.

It's not about being a calm, connected, confident dog parent 100% of the time.

It's impossible to feel all of those things all of the time in all situations.

So do again, think about those values.

Be kind to yourself in these situations.

When you haven't shown that because you've snapped or you've shut down or you, you're just in burnout.

I've been there myself.

So I can say through experience that I have done all those things and I've suppressed things and it's led me to do some of that snapping and with family members and that kind of thing.

It comes out in different areas of your life.

So the really good part is when we drop that mask, our body starts to relax.

So it's a tiny exhale that, okay, this is what's real.

It's regulation in action.

So that's where our nervous system says I start.

I'm starting to feel safe now.

I can be real and I can, I can start to feel less tension, less stress, less fight, flight or freeze.

So authenticity literally down regulates your nervous system.

You're not fighting with yourself, you're not fighting yourself here.

When your body relaxes, your dog starts to mirror it as well.

So I've seen it happen in sessions.

So I've turned up to clients, houses for sessions for the very first time.

And it might be a puppy who normally when people come in goes absolutely like overwhelmingly into Zoomies, or they might wee on people's feet when they first come in.

It's just full on extreme excitement.

When I've walked in, the puppy is, you know, there's some excitement there, but I'm nice and calm inwardly and outwardly.

I've made sure when I turn up to that session that I'm in that right state.

So then I go in and the puppy, there is some excitement there, but not on that level.

And the human says, what are you doing right now?

My puppy never reacts like this when people come in, why are they so calm?

Because they've had that bit of excitement and then they start to relax with me.

They said they never do this with anyone and it's because the dog is mirroring me.

I have come in And I'm calm and I'm relaxed.

Bear in mind, I am only there for that 45 minutes or for that hour or for however long the sessions are.

I'm not living it 24 7.

So that's how co regulation can start to happen.

It's not magic.

I'm not a dog whisperer in this magical woo sense.

I am making sure I'm regulated for that session.

Therefore the dogs can feel that way as well.

So when we allow honesty, we can create safety.

And safety is what both of our nervous systems are craving for.

Our nervous systems and our dogs, that is what they need.

So that is what we want to try and start to create.

So how do we start to live and train more authentically?

So turning it into something practical here, some things that you can start to do, to start to do that again, it's not about doing it 24 7.

It's just some things that, where.

Where we can start to show up more authentically.

So number one is notice where you're performing.

So ask yourself when you're pretending to be okay, maybe it's smiling at the trainer even though you want to cry.

And I've had that in sessions where a client has said, you know, I've gone in and they've been quite, you know, their tones being quite happy and all the things.

But then we start to get into it and I ask some questions and I kind of see that there's a bit of, you know, discomfort there from them and I don't push it.

But when we get into it a little bit deeper, they start to cry.

And I don't like seeing people cry.

But I think it's a good thing when it happens because I know that that person feels safe with me.

And we can talk it through, we can figure it out and we can start to sit with how that.

What that feeling is and start to like, pick it, pick out what's happening in that situation to try and get that pressure off a little bit more.

So that can happen.

Or you might be posting online that you had a great walk that day with your dog, but it really wasn't a great walk.

And you've taken a picture and that picture is like one moment from that walk where it was.

It felt like the only 10 seconds that your dog like looked at you or kept still or whatever it is, didn't ignore you and you got that photo and you said great walk today, but it really wasn't.

That's where you might be just doing that little performance where you are feeling one way, but you're outwardly trying to show something else.

The second thing is naming what you actually need.

So do you need rest?

Do you need reassurance?

Do you need a calmer environment for your dog?

So this can be.

If your dog is getting super distracted out on a walk by other dogs or you, you've gone to a place that is just too stimulating for them, that's where really kind of saying to yourself, I think we just need to go to somewhere calmer here, because that will really massively help naming.

That turns that spinning thought into something tangible you can support.

So if you need rest, if you need reassurance, if you need a calmer environment for your dog, whatever it is that you need, naming that can turn the things that you were starting to feel and the spinning that you were doing those thoughts into something tangible that you can then do.

And that's what we need.

So you can say, I need rest right now.

Let's not do a walk today.

Let's do.

Thought my dog got triggered by me saying walk.

Then let's not do a walk today.

Let's do do some enrichment time.

So let's have a sniffy experience in the garden.

Let's book a paddock and have a freedom walk where there is no pressure, no expectations on either you or your dog.

No one else is going to come and bother you.

That kind of thing.

That's what will really start.

So you can see how you can start to support yourself when you need to with that.

And then the third one is choosing one authentic action.

So like I say, it might be skipping a busy park walk, saying, we're working on this instead of, he's fine, so we're going to start working on it instead of saying, he'll grow out of it.

That tends to be something that most people think if a puppy's doing something and it's continuing to happen, they won't just grow out of it, potentially.

So some things like puppy biting because of teething, yes, they will grow out of that because they're not going to be doing it forever.

But.

But there will be some things where the mouthy behavior might continue because they think that's how you interact.

And then their teeth get sharper and they get bigger and it starts to become less fun for anybody that it's happening to.

So that kind of thing, rather than saying always fine or a grow out of it, we're working on it or even posting something real instead of polished.

So I like to be authentic.

I like to put things out there.

And I've told stories of things that have happened with me and my dogs in the past because I'm not a perfect human being and perfection doesn't exist.

So authenticity does not mean oversharing.

So do not overshare if you don't feel comfortable to do that.

It just means not abandoning yourself to meet expectations that were never yours.

So the expectations of others, the expectations that society puts on on us, those are the things we don't want to do.

We're living authentically to our own values and we're not abandoning ourselves in order to get there.

So the dog parent path, everything that I have, that I teach and create and have started to build over the last 12 months is built on truth.

Calm and confidence come from alignment stage by stage.

We are moving from awareness to calm, from calm to confidence, and from confidence to integration.

So we're starting to see things happen on a more real world, real life, day to day basis and that then builds resilience.

So authenticity is the thread that's connecting all of those things.

Because when you're aligned with, when your words, your energy, your emotions are all saying the same thing, your nervous system is communicating clearly with your dogs.

I use the term two nervous systems, one lead.

So you, you have your nervous system, your dog has theirs.

There is one lead that connects you.

That is where we're coming out from this.

So when you start pretending, you both can finally start to exhale.

And this is, this is hard stuff.

It's not going to just be dead easy to do.

Those questions that I've asked and the questions you should ask yourself, they're hard questions to answer because you have to feel uncomfortable.

You know, you've got to get uncomfortable with it to be able to get to the bottom of it.

So feel comfortable with feeling uncomfortable, I think people say, or words to that effect.

So your challenge for this week is that I want you to start to practice micro authenticity.

So it means choosing one small thing, one small way to show up more honesty, honestly, one thing to turn to show up more honestly with yourself, with your dog, or the people around you.

Maybe it's admitting when a walk feels too much.

So are you actually talking to the people in your life about things that are happening?

So somebody shares something with me, but they haven't shared it with their partner.

That can be just one small step and just say, this is how I feel right now.

Maybe it's saying no to advice that doesn't feel right.

So that values filter coming in really useful.

Maybe it's celebrating something that did go right instead of minimizing it and just saying oh, it was a fluke or it's only going to happen once or you know, we don't know how to do this.

Celebrate that thing that happened or didn't happen that you wanted to happen or not happen.

So instead of minimizing it and making it smaller, celebrate it and say that happened.

My dog checked in just they don't normally do that.

My dog walked with me for three more steps than usual on a loose lead.

Amazing.

Each time you do that, your body is going to learn it's safe to be me and that is what we want.

And your dog learns that it's safe to be with you as well.

So that is the real calm connection.

That is what we're trying to get at with all of this.

So my sign off for this episode, I always say you don't need to be perfect, you're not failing, you just need to be real.

And this isn't about, like I say, the extremes and going all in with this.

If you want to, great, but let it be your permission slip just to show micro level authenticity.

Because your dog doesn't need the Instagram version of you here, they just need you and that's what's going to make the biggest difference.

So thank you so much for listening to the Mindful Dog Parent.

If this episode has brought you some relief, calm or courage, please do follow the show, share it with another dog parent who might need to hear it today and go listen to some of those previous episodes.

I'll put links into the show notes to the episodes that are relevant to what we've talked about with the values filled and I'll see you next time on the Mindful Dog Parent.

Thanks so much for tuning in to the Mindful Dog Parent.

If this episode gave you something to think about or it just made you feel a little less alone, I would love it if you followed the show and shared it with another dog parent who needs it.

You'll find all the links and resources mentioned in the show notes@lavendergarden animalservices.co.uk podcast and I would love to stay in touch so head there if you want to explore more ways to work with me or get support.