Alex

Before we get into today's episode, I wanted to give you a heads up that we're talking about some pretty heavy themes, which some might find upsetting. Take care while you're listening.

Daniel

I just zoned out, I'll was just there in tears, and I was just watching him and I felt like just sick. Just sick and it was like single handedly the worst I've ever, ever been through.

Alex

In this series, we hear stories about the role masculinity plays in today's world, as I try to become a better version of myself every day. Join me and let’s discover this together.

In this episode, we'll find out how a young man reacts during a moment of shocking violence. Daniel's dad ran a wheel clamping business. He would go to football stadiums on the weekend comp cars that were parked illegally, and then wait for the angry drivers to come back and pay up. One Saturday afternoon back when Daniel was just 17 he went along with his dad to help out with the paperwork. They were parked in a van outside Tottenham a football stadium waiting

Daniel

or sitting out thinking I know the people coming back are all going to be lads lads football hooligans, and I'll sit in it and I was just like, what, what am I doing here? And I remember them walking back. I remember seeing like a charge of people and they all knew what happened straightaway. They could see this big yellow clamp on the car. We've got a big fan that says parking enforcement. When they clocked us. That was it. They started running over and you could see them they were like, they switched. So they're like, by on the doors and get out. We're always going on. Almost terrified, got sick and I just remember my dad just literally two seatbelt off, ready to go and open the door and that was it. He was ready to go. My dad was gone five foot seven eight. He wasn't a tall guy. bullheaded, Graeme. Frou Frou just got out of the car, and was like, right, who's gonna pay first. And it was like 15 Min now. And I remember they were shouting screaming him they were shouting me. And he just, he just stood there. His mentality was so strong, it didn't faze him. Like he just sat there and it's nothing to me. So after they calmed down a bit, they started to pay one by one. So what I was allowed to do or is allowed to take the camera off the car and took the camera off. So which is big yellow triangle, untie the chain and what you meant to do you meant to call the chain to write and you meant to then wrap it around your legs and nobody can take the chain. I was new he was learning I pulled the chains by right and slayed it next to the side of me. But this is like a heavy industrial chains. You know, this does not move you need actual grinder to cut it. And what happened was is that as he was as he was taking paperwork and payments, another person, one of the people were picked up the chain and they basically lashed it around the back of my dad's head. concow back in his age, heads caved in bleeding. There's uproar, people scream and shout and I just ran over to my dad, I was holding him I was screaming at this person. I was sat down on the floor. I pulled him by his like shoulder on my phones. And his head sort of was hanging over the edge of my thigh and I was just in tears. I was holding him I was just looking down. I just didn't know what to do. There was blood everywhere. I had all these strangers around me. I was just there looking at him. And people were coming up to me saying the numbers coming in. I just didn't clock any of it. I wasn't even just zoned out. I was just there in tears. And I was just watching him and I felt like just sick. Just sick and it was like single handedly the worst thing I've ever ever been through. He was literally laying there. I mean, he was just he was gone.

Alex

How long was he in hospital for? And at what point did you know that he was it was gonna be okay.

Daniel

By the end of the amas people when they were in the back of the car, they were telling me to calm down, you know, and I remember they were doing was vitals and stuff and they were doing all this and I remember all I all I had in my head was if they're not got that shock thing. Then he's okay. Because I saw the beep you know the machine and it was thing and I remember we got to hospital. They were going through Oh, and they said to him said to me, you know since he's been in hospital just got away but we think He's okay. He's lost a lot of bucks, but we think he's okay. But I kept this in my head. He hasn't got the shot thing on him. And he's a lawyer. I just kept on thinking that and he must he was in hospital for about two months. Then he had broken skull. He had damage to the back of his his eye afterwards and he became pretty much not blind in one eye but very poor sight.

Alex

And what sort of condition is he in now?

Daniel

So unfortunately, two years ago, he actually passed away from cancer. And so that was a, that was a whole different scenario because I remember seeing my dad is the super fit. Guy, you went through that, that incident. And again, I mean, after two months, when he went back up when pumpkin was six year old, he was welcome. It was just hard as now explain everything. And I remember when he got diagnosed with cancer, that was the only time ever I saw him, like frail, ever. Right to the final date and stuff. And yes, unfortunately, he's passed away now. But he was like, give my mind a stereotypical skin it man's man, you know, ready to ready to throw rounds whenever. And then probably the least compatible science any sort of violence or any sort of like, conflict, I think I was just completely opposite. And, you know, it was a very different sort of, personally, I knew from when I was younger to the end,

Alex

it's a constant kind of topic for me that I'm always always fascinated by is letting go and being able to surrender. How did you deal with the situation where your dad is in hospital, because of the mistake that you made, which probably anyone could have made, it was a small mistake you've made but how were you able to let that go? Or have you been able to let that go. And then by

Daniel

doing guys, I didn't go back to work for a good a good month. And I remember acts as a family rep is that business, Granddad owned it and he had all these different world hampers, I took the month off. So I was just a jar didn't have to deal with situation. And I remember asking my mom about it, because she had worked in the family business sames about Dad for literally like 30 years plus. And I remember saying to me, she said Mike, you know, if it was your dad, you would never hold anything against you. And we'd be back out there. And I remember that, just that sort of moment when she was talking me about it. It took me a while to like, except it wasn't like a malicious fault. You know, I thought in my head, as it was said to myself should do better should do better acknowledge the situation and just made a real effort to learn from it. I then got my site licence, started doing a wheel campaign. And I realised very quickly, I did it for about two months. And I just realised that I didn't have the grit in me that my dad, I didn't have the mentality that you know, people do walking up to the me when they get there will come and instantly I'm thinking I'm going back to that scenario. I'm thinking that's going to happen again. What do I do? I was like, this isn't, I can't do this. This isn't for me. There's so many different stories I can tell you where other will confess I've had paint cans thrown from like 14 Storey, high rise buildings like next them trying to, you know, the hits them, it kills them knives pulled, guns pulled. And I remember, I just I spoke to my mom and spoke to my grandma was like, I've not got the grit in me to do what you're asking me to do. I can do it. Like, technically, I know how the process works. But I can't physically get in my car, drive an hour to London, sit on there. Look for an opportunity when somebody's parked incorrectly, and then wait for them to return. It was the element of the weights and I was sitting outside, I just can't do it. And it's definitely been the most sickening job I've ever done. And I've always been open to challenges and taking things head on and sort of dealing with things that are broken. I like to fix things, but that was just a different kettle of fish.

Alex

When I'm thinking about a situation where you've clumped someone's K, put a ticket down, you're waiting for them to come back and you get out of your car. Were you aware of how you were coming across to do the person where you're trying to not show that you're scared? But deep down? You are?

Daniel

100%? Yeah, I mean, at this point, I was 18 I did it for when I was 18. And I was relatively small. And often they'd laugh at me, you know? Or they say where's the other guy come in, but I'll it's me. I'm the guy. You know, I'd have the steel cut boots on that were like, look like they were massive house shoes for me because I was still so small. And it was that was an element. As long as I hated I knew visibly that I did not look intimidating, scary. I didn't look like a wheel camper. I looked like a kid. And that was awful. Because every single time I stood stood at the car. It was always a battle just from an image perspective, let alone the actual incident where I'm asking somebody for under 50 quid take the clamp off. It was a case of they've got to take me seriously. First,

Alex

we have the stereotypes of your vehicle clamper. So you must look tough.

Daniel

You know, I've worked people that are like, proper jacked up, you know, they are benching Gods six times that I really much and some of them just again, they could not deal with it. And I learned from my dad 90% of its mentality. One of the best world has ever worked with. She was female. She was five foot four She was terrifying. You just didn't mess with her. She was just so good. And, you know, if you've got the right mentality, you'll find something I learned as I got older. I learned more about like impostor syndrome, I learned very fast that that is me for now, I've always been, I like to think into I've been quite successful. My career, I've done lots of different jobs in an area manager hotels in London, and, you know, manage the contact centre of like, friends or people and property management. And I'm getting these jobs in theory, because I must be good. But every job without fail, always done. I will always come home, I'm like, I'm not doing good. Or, God, I'm gonna get the sack or like, that is just my mentality. And I think because of that, I overwork I overcompensate, I do too many hours. I know I do. I've always got my missus jumping on me about it and stuff. And I've just obviously had a new newborn baby. And I think I'm working really hard now to really sort of reflect when I do work well. And when I know, I'm allowed to take a step back. And I'm really fortunate. The managers have worked in the past have always been supportive, but there's still an element like, I still need to, like, be the best and seek the well. So the CEO likes me, I wasn't going to get the boat that is always seven days a week from my mind. And that's a it's a hard weight to carry continually, forever. Definitely.

Alex

So you're what you're saying to me is fear is driving you to get better and better.

Daniel

100% I think it's out and this sounds like really calling cheese that you know, you do those Mr. And Mrs. Games as oh, what's your, your misters biggest fear, and my girlfriend will always say the fear of failure. Like for me, failing is like, just out and out there the worst thing in my mind, like if I fail, once that no matter how big it is, how small is it still is the end of the world. Because if I failed in my job, if I've got an email wrong, or if I've got like, a situation wrong with a staff member, you know, in my mind, I'm thinking, I said, I've got the boat, I'm gone. Now. And I've never, I've never been able to overcome that as of yet. You know, and I, and I don't even know if that goes back, you know, this could be something crazy subconscious that fade in getting that chain, right. And that incident of what happened, could have caused this all these years now, God only knows, you know, other people will take the failings and grow from it. I will take the failures and dwell on them.

Alex

Why is it human beings must go straight to oh, well, I'm gonna get the sack because I sent this email wrong. Why? Why do we do that? But what I shouldn't say why do you do that?

Daniel

I think it's pressure, you know, people are scared now to if you don't have a job nowadays, it's really hard to live. Like it's really, really difficult. You know, so much of your time is taken up with work, you know, you spend the majority of your life at work. So you need to find a job that you love you love. That's not an easy feat. And it's not as easy as people make it out to Serbia to just get a job in London, do this movie star where you find a cafe find your your boyfriend by serving a coffee, it just doesn't work like that. Nowadays, we didn't know. And I think it's just the fear factor. I think just your subconscious is all around you. You know, and the only time the people that are saying that live your life. And yes, they are super successful. But I guarantee you those people that are super successful, they've had many years or years of pure hardship and hates and is only at the top, they'll Now go enjoy your life. But they didn't enjoy it the whole way through, I can guarantee it just doesn't work.

Alex

Yeah, you're right. And you look at these people in the spotlight, and you've got this sort of this is at the point at which they became successful, or they became famous or whatever. And you see this bit but you didn't see all of the graft, all of the, you know, 810 1220 years or whatever, of this just hard graft and just this failing, I think it goes back to what you were saying before. But the fear of failure is if you only do things that you know, that you're going to succeed at, you'll never strive for anything more. So you'll never be able to push yourself as a human being.

Daniel

You do need to push yourself and you do need to strive and I think you need to have normally people around you as well. I've got an amazing friendship group and, you know, a love of my life and she's so good in that aspect where she's like, you know, come on down, you can do this or no, she always remind to remind me and, you know, whoever you got, you know when your life. They give you that vehicle, I have it yourself. But you know, I think having the people around you is so much more important. I've done it myself as well. I've done the whole lone wolf thing, and it's not enjoyable. You know, I've lost friends and relationships for weeks, I've always gone. I'm gonna work a million hours a week and I'm gonna be the best human in the world and make a million money and I've done it and it just fails. It really does. And it may be worse for some people but for my experience, it's just you need the people around you to push you. I think normally as well. It takes you to lose something or lose an opportunity to recognise that and make that happen. We You know, I lost a job and lost a partner. And in theory on paper, he looked outside, everything look amazing. That's great place. I was born in London, because I'm a penthouse thing. I was living life to the best, but closed doors is a different kettle of fish. 100%.

Alex

Just going back to your dad, once he recovered after those two months in hospital, did you have that conversation with him about what had happened? And what was his response?

Daniel

No, I don't think no, we didn't. I think it was more relief. He was home. And I think he wasn't a talker. You know, he was really old school, you know, it was worse, God must be in 5060 hours, you know, a minimum of a week to come in work, go home, and just repeat. We never really had that conversation. He was never he was close, but was close from a just more of a South Weber distant perspective. Like we never, I never really dealt with things emotionally with him ever, and vice versa. And we was closest buddies and friends. Were nowadays you know, there's so much more emphasis on talking about mental health and how you're feeling and stuff, which I think is the right thing to do. But I think when I was growing up my dad, I was close with him, because it was always the case of Hayden, some good data you did want to be Yeah, and that was it. And that made us close, which was fine. By now I don't think we ever, we never really discussed it, it was more of a case of he was home, he was safe. And I think it was probably just, I kind of block it out.

Alex

I've spoken to so many friends about their fathers, it's that baby boomer generation, they don't, they don't say very much they they keep their feelings to themselves, and they never reveal any sort of vulnerabilities. And then, as a situation with your dad, once they've passed away, you'd left with more questions and answers, because you never really knew what was going on through their heads.

Daniel

100% Yeah, I realise, I realise now that when I, when I'm driving back from London, I wish I could call him and say you're right, and actually have a conversation with him. Because I never talked to him before. When I did talk to him, it was always quick chats about football. That's pretty much it, you know, really sort of like man's man chat. I never would talk to him about what was going on in my life or, you know, what was happening, like good and bad. And, you know, I look back at now, I think when I'm driving home on the motorway, I'm stuck in the one, like an hour, I wish I could pick up the phone and go, Dad, I've had a really bad day today. All right, and have that conversation and ask him the same thing as well. You know, I wish I could do those things. And there's always hindsight, you know, as you get older, people will say Hindsight is a gift and stuff and never when you're young and everything, but it's things you think you're invincible, you're gonna change the world. Daniel wishes

Alex

he could still speak to his dad. So he could say what he really wanted to say to him, and for his dad to be proud of the new career that he chose. It's a reminder for me to speak openly with my dad and my stepdad about how much they mean to me. And it's also an invitation for you to do that with yours as well. I think it was an incredibly strong and manly thing to do, to say I don't want to do this job anymore. And I want to walk away from the family business. Some other men out there might think it was a cowardly choice to stop. But I think it took a lot of strength to say I don't want to continue doing this. I think that's real self awareness to really stand up for what you believe in. Daniel has gone on to having a very successful career. But the trauma of that event has made waste out his whole life and has morphed into a fear of failure. But the way he deals with it is through having a fantastic network of people that are there to support him who is part of the support network in your life that helps you face your fears.