Don't jump just into like, we need to, spice things up in the bedroom. And that's the issue. It's usually not. It's just, I mean, I'm just being very blunt today. It's usually not, you know?

It just doesn't work. It doesn't work in the long run and we need to actually learn how to listen and to understand first

like don't put the cart before the horse,

  This is the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I'm Heather Shannon, and in a world full of sexual censorship, I'll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships, and enjoying your body. Because it's time for you to Ask a Sex Therapist.

 Hello, my friends. We're here for a listener Q& A episode this week,  and these are super fun. So keep submitting your questions, please.  So if you go to heathershannon. co, scroll down to the footer, and there's ask a sex question. Um, and it's all anonymous. Super, super anonymous.  Um, if you want to message me on social media though, or even if you want to comment on this video on YouTube and just say, Hey, here's my question.

Can you include it in the next episode? I absolutely will. Um, any sincere questions that I think might be helpful to other people, but pretty much if it's a sincere question, I will include it. Um, okay. So. We've got a little handful of questions, but before we get into them, I do want to just shout everyone out.

Um, I, I really want to shout out our international listeners. Um, you know, we've been number one in St. Lucia. We were recently number one in Armenia and, uh, I appreciate that, you know, and there's, there's a lot of people from all different cultures and some of these cultures are really conservative about sex.

And I hope it's not like risky for people listening to the podcast. Um, but I'm just glad that people are getting this information. And I just want to Want to acknowledge and honor your journey, like wherever you're at in that journey and wherever you're at in the world. So thank you. Um, and one of the recent shows I mentioned that 43 percent of people listening to the show were not subscribed or following.

I'm like, that is huge. So the goal was to get it down to 30%. We're actually already down to 40%. So thank you guys for, for following the show. And it's also boosted our rankings on the chart. So it really matters. Even just a handful of people doing it makes a difference. So thank you. Or you're helping to spread the word about sex education.

Um, and okay. Speaking of which, one of our questions is going to be related to, uh, becoming a sex therapist and educator. But, but we're going to start with, uh, a fun one is squirting pee, is squirting pee. And this was asked by someone who's been debating it with his girlfriend. And they've got one of them on each side of the, uh, equation here.

One says, yes, it's pee. One says, absolutely not. So consulted my friend, Chachi PT for some of the science here. Um, and I also want to refer you guys back to our episode, entire episode on squirting, where I really get into all of the details. Um, but I'm going to break down the difference between squirting fluid and pee.  📍

So squirting fluid primarily originates in the skein's glands. So sometimes called the female prostate, um, which are located around the urethra, right? So the urethra is the pee hole,  uh, for all genders actually. And so what is it made out of? So there's something called prostatic specific antigen, PSA, uh, which is actually a protein that's also found in semen.

Um, so that kind of indicates like this is not something that comes from the bladder, right? This is coming from the Skein's gland. It's a specific compound that is produced by the Skein's gland. And then the other thing is that it contains glucose, uh, which is. actually further evidence that it's being secreted from the Skene's glands.

Because it is going into the bladder and being released from the bladder, there are small traces of urea and creatinine. And so those are compounds that are found in urine. Just because, again, it's almost like a cross contamination issue, you know, it's like both processes are using the bladder. However, overall, it's mostly water, and so my overall answer would be, are they the same thing?

No. If I had to pick yes or no, I would say no. Um, it's clear, squirting liquid is clear. It does not have an odor to it. Um, there's usually a larger volume of it. Whereas urine, uh, is produced primarily in the kidneys and just stored in the bladder. It's usually gonna be smaller amounts. It's going to have an odor and it's going to be more yellow in color.

And, um, it has uric acid in it, electrolytes and other metabolic waste. Um, and then it's yellow due to urochrome, which is the pigment from the breakdown of hemoglobin. Who knew? Learning so much today. Um, and then there's an ammonia smell, which develops when urine sits and breaks down.   📍 📍 📍 So, so the key differences are the presence of PSA, that prostatic specific antigen.

the much lower concentration of urea and creatinine in squirting fluid compared to urine and the visual and odor differences.  So, um, good question. I don't know who won the debate in your relationship, but hopefully you guys can just have a good laugh about it. And, uh, and I was hoping if, if this is a question in the relationship, that there's some squirting happening.

So just, you know, good job. All right. So next question was, How do you become a sex therapist? So somebody actually was just like, I don't know if this is a question that's like allowed, but you know, can I actually just ask about that? And I was like, sure. I've actually had a couple of people ask me that recently.

Um, so it is a commitment and a process. Um, To become an A, I'm going to go over the ASECT certified sex therapy process. So ASECT stands for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. And so the educators can be anyone who works in sex education. That one's going to be a little bit different.

easier to obtain in terms of, like, number of years of education. So if you're someone who is in a different field, um, I would say aim for that one. Um, if you are already a licensed mental health professional or in grad school for it, for example, or, you know, on the path in whatever way, um, Then you can become an ASAC certified sex therapist.

So that's what I am. And that process, you can actually start it apparently while you're still in grad school. So you don't need to have your license when you start the process, but you do need to have a license before you actually get certified. And There's, there's two main components to it, so there's an educational component, and if you're, if you're really curious on like all the details, you can visit asect.

org and, um, click over to like the certification process and requirements. So. There's about 160 hours ish of education required, and it can be, it can be kind of tough to be honest, like, and I'll tell you a little bit about my process, you know, so I've, I've been a counselor since 2006, so over 18 years now, that's crazy, um, and I went to private practice in 2011, and it was a number of years in private practice where I've I had looked into becoming a certified sex therapist.

I had thought about it, and I didn't do it because it's a lot, you know, and if you're just looking to kind of check that box and get your continuing ed credits, there are a lot more, you know, affordable, easier ways to do that. So you do kind of have to really want to go into this field specifically. Um, What I finally discovered, because if you, if you look over the list of educational requirements, you're just like, how do I even begin to, like, piece things together and, like, find ways to, to make this happen, right?

Um, and, and actually I'm, I'm seeing here that you need a math, not only a master's degree, but at least 2 years of post degree clinical experience. So if you were to start this in grad school, it's just going to be a much longer process for you. So I probably wouldn't. Um, it's good to get some experience, in my opinion, and just kind of see what different issues and types of people you like working with.

Um, so here we go with the actual requirements. The applicant will have completed a minimum of 90. Clock hours of academic coursework in sexuality education covering general knowledge and the core knowledge areas listed below. Uh, up to 75 may be earned through e learning, so you have to do some in person things.

And let's see, our core knowledge areas are ethics and ethical behavior, Developmental sexuality from a biopsychosocial perspective. Sociocultural familial factors. So like ethnicity, culture, religion, spirituality, socioeconomic status in relation to sexual values, um, issues related to sexual orientation and or gender identity.

Intimacy skills, intimate relationships, interpersonal relationships, and family dynamics. Diversities in sexual expression and lifestyle, including but not limited to polyamory, swinging, BDSM, and Tantra. Sexual and reproductive anatomy and physiology. Health and medical factors that may influence sexuality, including but not limited to illness, disability, drugs, mental health, et cetera, et cetera.

Um, range of sexual functioning and behavior from optimal to problematic. So that could include issues like desire, discrepancy, lack of desire, uh, difficulty, orgasming, difficulty, maintaining arousal, sexual pain. Sexual exploitation, cybersexuality, substance use, and the overlap with sexuality. That's actually part of the reason why I got into this.

I had some clients that were having that overlap between substance use and abuse and sexuality. Um, pleasure enhancement skills, learning theory, professional communication, and personal reflection skills, history of the discipline of sex research. principles of sexuality research and research methods. So, um, some of these are new, they're always updating it.

So if it is something that, you know, you're curious about, you know, double check before you get started. Um, and then there's an additional 60 hours of training and how to effectively carry out and do sex therapy with patients or clients. whose diagnoses include, you know, various psychosexual disorders.

So you'll notice, like, this is so jargony and academic, and this is just, like, not how I really talk, because I like to be a person before being a sex therapist. I'm not big on diagnosing, which you probably know if you've listened to past episodes. Sometimes it's helpful. Like, I think diagnosing can be helpful if it's like, Oh, we get it.

We get what's been happening. Um, let's go for it. But, uh, it's a good background to have. I still feel that the diagnostic manual is biased and sex negative. So this is part of why I work as a coach, right? There's just the philosophy doesn't totally vibe with me. Um, okay. So that's the educational piece.

Then you also need to get 50 hours of supervision over the course of at least 18 months while obtaining 300 hours of, actually working with clients. So that's kind of the main part of the process. Some of the supervision can be a group supervision, which I think is super fun and rewarding. And I actually think you learn more and you can have more than one supervisor if you want to learn like different styles, which is cool.

Um, and it's a really interesting group of people. You know, I think it's just a group of people who really value connection and see an area of society where there's just so much Do you know, there's some shadow work to be done, right? It's like, we're coming a long way in some ways, backsliding in others.

It's a society, but, um. But there is a lot of work to be done where we can really be able to talk about it comfortably and accept ourselves and communicate with our partners. And I think we need those ingredients in order to have a really phenomenal sex life that we deserve. So I hope that answers the question about the process.

There's different training programs, and honestly, I think that's like the best place to start. So I went to   📍 University of Michigan's. sexual health certificate program.  That's the largest program and the one that's been around the longest. For me, it was a little bit academic. Um, I've also taken some courses with   📍 sexual health alliance.

I think they're extremely progressive.  Um, I did not go through their whole program, so I can't comment on it, but if people are curious about programs. Um, feel free to reach out, um, and then also, uh, our podcast editor, Grace, is, uh, working on becoming a certified sexuality educator and has already completed their training program through a, a group called I C I S E E, um, so that could be another one to look into and I know that Grace had a good experience with them.

So I hope that's helpful, um, and we'll move on to our third question. And this one was about low sex drive due to perimenopause.   📍 So we do have an entire episode on optimizing hormones with Dr. Kelly Caspersen. So I'm going to also refer you guys to that one if you're someone who's also looking to kind of understand the link between hormones and libido.

 So the main hormones that impact your libido are both estrogen and testosterone. And so I think a lot of times that we think like testosterone is for men and women or estrogen is for women. And that's just how it works. And they're totally like separate based on gender. And that's just not the case. And a, and a lot of times people who are biologically, uh, female sex.

will have a shortage of testosterone and actually need more testosterone in order to have better mood or a healthier libido. And this can actually be something that's going on if people are experiencing depression too, that their hormones are a little bit off, right? And so you might be, working really hard with your therapist, but if something is off biologically, that could be a setback.

So I do encourage people to have their hormones tested. Unfortunately, I have found out through working with some clients that unless there's something really wrong, a lot of times doctors don't want to do the testing. And so I do think it's important to empower ourselves. If, if you have a doctor that's kind of pushing back, you know, one advocate for yourself, I'd start with that and be like, Hey, This is what I want to do.

This is important. And this is why. And if they just don't want to do it, you can actually order your own testing.   📍 These days, there's so many direct to consumer testing, like, um, Everly. Well, I believe is one.  I just ordered my own allergy test through quest labs. So you, I mean, ask chat GPT where he can order them or do some Googling.

But, you know, and they're not all hormone tests are created equal. You'll kind of have to figure out based on your symptoms, what type of test is going to make the most sense. So hopefully you do have a provider who can kind of consult you on that and educate you about the different types of testing. Um, but if not, you can do some self education on that.

So that would be my suggestion. It is normal for there to be a dip in libido. Um, perimenopause where their hormones are starting to vary. and it can affect their mood, it can affect their sleep, it can affect, you know, anxiety levels, libido, like our hormones really affect us in a very holistic way. Um, I also see this because   📍 I do work with the peanut app.

 I see this with new moms, you know, like hormones are different during pregnancy. Um, right after childbirth during breastfeeding. Um, our genetics impact our hormones. Obviously our cycle, like what phase of the cycle we're in impacts our hormones. Um, so take some time to educate yourself. Like it's, it's really not rocket science.

And, um, I just asked chat GPT everything. So, although I will say you must double check chat GPT answers, do not take them for face value. But it's a good starting point.

All right. And then the next one is inspired by some of the consultations I've been doing recently. Um, so how do I get the spark back with my spouse? We're more like roommates who fight. And Here I want to refer you guys   📍 back to the pathway to passion.  So the reason I've created the pathway to passion, which is my signature method for coaching people who want to get their sexy spark back  is because we need to create a foundation of being able to communicate and being able to manage our emotions.

And what I've been telling people recently is, you know, what I consider emotional mastery in the context of a relationship is being able to feel your own feelings, Regulate yourself emotionally to the point that you can hold space for your partner. Even if your partner is saying some stuff that's like, I could be getting defensive about this.

However, I'm aware of the parts of me that tend to get defensive. I can manage those. I can tell myself this is not personal. This is just my partner's subjective experience based on the stories they're telling themselves. And I can just be compassionate about that and kind of hold space for my partner to have their feelings knowing that, you know, I'll be able to express my feelings too, if important.

Um, but that's what's going to really help create safety and bring you guys closer. And I, it's an advanced skill. Most, frankly, most people are not very good at it. So I do think that it's something we need to put effort into. Because it's also something that has not been modeled for us. Um, but what happens is, is like, we can't even get to the point of having the conversations about initiating sex and fantasies and flirting and foreplay.

If you're fighting all the time, and so we need to first just kind of create some stability enough. Calm. It does not need to be perfect. I would say, like, if you're getting like an 80%, if you're going to be, you know, or better, you can probably move on to the next step. But if you're kind of like, we're barely passing, if that, right, then spend some time here.

Like, don't jump just into like, we need to, you know, spice things up in the bedroom. And that's the issue. It's usually not. It's just, I mean, I'm just being very blunt today. It's usually not, you know? Um, and the other thing I find that I think is really, really cool is when we start to address. Some of these other issues when we address our resentments when we learn how to resolve conflict instead of like Fighting sweeping it under the rug and then just moving on and like hoping it doesn't come up for a while So we can have like a little bit of peace.

It just doesn't work. It doesn't work in the long run and we need to actually learn how to listen and to understand first before we get into the solving. So it's like first validate, be curious, understand, then see if there can be a solution. That works. Um, so I just kind of want to remind you guys of that, right?

Like don't put the cart before the horse, like be honest about where you're at. Um, if you need to work on communication, I love the book, uh, 10 lessons to transform your marriage by John and Julie Gottman, who are also a couple and they run the Gottman Relationship Institute. Uh, they're both therapists as well.

So check that out, work on the communication. If you need to work on the emotional mastering, just being able to hold space.   📍 Meditation is phenomenal for that. Absolutely phenomenal.  And then I also think internal family systems, which is the method that I use is also phenomenal because there's something about understanding, you know, when you get triggered that like, this is just a part of me, this is not all of me.

And it kind of helps like depersonalize it and like disarm some of the defenses. And it's awesome way to communicate with your partner. So I hope that all of this is helpful.   📍 Uh, thank you again, all of you for listening. Don't forget to follow the show and we will see you next Monday. Bye everybody.  

  📍 Hey, everybody. Thank you so much for listening to the show. We are very happy to have you here. If you are a new listener, you are very, very welcome. Um, if you guys ever need to reach out to me, you can do that through my website, heathershannon. co. Again, that's heathershannon. co. And don't forget to follow the show.

It's such a small thing. It takes a second. It's free and it helps the show so much. So if you want more people to get this kind of honest and uncensored sex education and relationship advice, follow it, share it with a friend. If you're on YouTube, subscribe, hit the notification bell and we will catch you next time, everybody.