As the saying goes - Comparison is the Thief of Joy. Let me explain how comparing myself to others my whole life has affected me.

I need to give a little background first. I am the middle of 3 kids. I have an older sister, by 2 years, and a younger brother, by 3 years. Our parents divorced met freshman year of high school. Long story short our mom wound up remarrying & moving to another state. My brother & I both moved with her. My sister stayed living with my grandparents so she could finish high school at her same school she had been going to.

Meanwhile, by the time I graduated, I had been to 4 different high schools & one of them twice.

My sister graduated & went to college & got her bachelor’s degree. My brother changed schools a couple of times & wound up getting his GED & joined the Marines. Both totally normal & acceptable transitions after high school.

I chose to go to a “business / trade” school & studied graphic design. I got a certificate of completion for a 12-month program. Now I will say that my parents NEVER discouraged me or put me down or acted disappointed by my choice.

But there had been times I had been compared to my sister & how what she was doing was better. It was the “right” way. Went to college, started her career, got married, & then had kids. My brother, joined the military, got married, then had kids.

Me - not normal. My first husband Chris & I met in 1999. We moved in together in 2000. I was 21 & he was just 19. I found out I was pregnant in June of 2001. At about 10-12 weeks along I had a miscarriage. In fall of 2001 we bought a “new construction” house in a new subdivision about 40 miles outside of where we lived. Which meant moving further away from family. So we were able to be a part of the building of the house.

In February of 2002 I found out I was pregnant again. We moved into our new home in March 2002. Our first daughter was born in October. In Aug of 2003 we finally got married. A small, kind of last minute, courthouse wedding. So right off the bat, I’ve done everything wrong.

I didn’t go to school the right way, I started my adult life completely backwards - bought a house, had a kid, then got married. I had a corporate job at AT&T Yellow Pages and Chris had a good paying job installing commercial security systems. He got in a car accident when our 2nd daughter was about 5 weeks old (a story for another time). And while he had no serious injuries, he had residual pain in his knees & back. He started missing work & eventually was let go because of his attendance.

Thus begins our self-employment journey. So, now it’s late 2005-early 2006 and we’ve started our own business. Just one more thing that wasn’t normal. In 2006, I quit my job at AT&T to work in our business. There’s another thing not normal or “right”.

During this time the narcissism, gas lighting, drinking was slowly, but progressively getting worse. There was even some drug use by him going on now too.

So I’ve now spent my first 25 years of life comparing myself to my sister & brother (more my sister). Then Chris starts in about “why don’t we have money like them?” “Why isn’t our relationship like theirs?” “Why don’t we do/have the same kinds of things as them?”

It was “We should be more like them.” “We need to do this like them.” “We need to have that like them.” There was always this envy of what my sister & her family had & what they were doing. I should have been more like her. I should live my life more like them.

When we started homeschooling our girls, my stepmom even said that we were abusing our girls by not sending them to public school. (One of the many shitting things she has said & done about & to my family.) During this time there had been quite a bit of distance between my sister & I. As we didn’t really agree on how I should live my life. OR at least that is what I THOUGHT the reason was at the time.

Chris had been able to convince me that my family was wrong & he was right. But even still, I would be compared to her & her family - how they had their shit together & we didn’t.

So now, I’ve started my life backwards, we don’t have a “real” job, I’m abusing my kids/not raising them right, & I’m not handling my money right. During all of this time - growing up to now, I have struggled with my weight. My sister has been very dedicated to living a healthy, active lifestyle and so she has always been - what I’ll call “skinny”/ in-shape. Growing up I compared myself to her, other people compared me to her, then as a result of Chris comparing other parts of our life to hers, I continued to compare my body to hers.

While these thoughts may not have been an everyday thought, they were often enough that it weighed down my self-confidence. Not that this was the only thing that did that, but it was a big portion. In my mind my sister was BETTER THAN me. Everything she did, had, & was - was better than me.

My brother had kind of a bumpy start, but when he got out the marines he also then went to college & got his degree. He got his shit together and has been extremely successful in his career. Which I am so fucking proud of!

But again, he got his shit together. He has a good career, a great house, & is doing well financially.

But not me. Here I am still on the struggle bus. Just trying to survive day to day. So now I compare my entire being to how my sister & brother have lived their lives. On top of all of that, there is still the everyday comparison with society, with other people I worked with, and even distant acquaintances. I should be like them, I should do that, I should have this. I was never doing or living life right. Especially because at the same time, I was in an abusive marriage & couldn’t seem to get out of it.

I was never good enough.

I must point out that all of these people I compared myself with had NOTHING to do with it! Meaning they were just the innocent bystanders in my mental degradation of myself. They did nothing to cause the comparison.

After Chris died, I was able to get close with my family again. One day my sister & I were talking about how I had always compared myself to her. And she said something so mind blowing, so astonishing to me…. She said she wished she could be more carefree like me. That statement stopped me dead in my tracks. I t think I even started crying.

I had spent my whole life comparing myself to my big sister & here she was telling me she wished she could be more like me. I was FLOORED! Jaw dropping, floored. How could the ONE person I most wanted to be like & live my life like want to be, in any way, shape, or form, like me?!?!

This was an epiphany for me. So much so that I’m here making an entire podcast episode about it!

Here is what we have to realize, everyone does everything their own way. Just trying to get through this life the best they can in their own way. I am not my sister. We are about as opposite as it gets on most things. I wanted nothing more than to have a life like hers. But that is not WHO I AM! My brain doesn’t work or think like hers.

It’s not supposed to!!

I made my choices in life. They were different than a lot of people’s. But were they wrong? NO. They were just different. They are part of who I am and what has made me - me.

So, if you think someone else has something better than you or if you think they are living their life better than you or think they look better than you - STOP IT. Right Now. They are DIFFERENT not BETTER! This ties in with the previous episode on worthiness. No one is Better Than or Less Than. We are all humans. We are all different. And different is OK! Different is how new ideas are created. It’s how joy is shared. It’s how love is spread.

Don’t lose your joy or love or ideas because you think you need to be like someone else. You are meant to be you. Just the way you are. You have a purpose & are wanted & needed here on this earth. Don’t try to be someone else. Be you. Wonderfully, amazing you! Shine YOUR light. Not someone else’s - YOURS! Stop trying to be like everyone else. How fucking boring would life be if we were all the same?!?

So stop comparing - it does nothing good. Love you for you. Love, cherish, & nurture all that you love about yourself. Even if you think it’s just a little bit at first. Keep loving it & nurturing it. It’s ok to like certain aspects about people. But don’t “want” to be them. Be you. Tell those people what you like about them - who doesn’t love a compliment - I bet they tell you back what they admire in you. Hell, if you can’t come up with something on your own you like about you, go ask someone you are close to what they like and admire about you… There WILL be something - many somethings.

I was not meant to be my sister. I was meant to be me. If I was my sister, I wouldn’t be here doing this. I would be on a completely different path in life. And all of the good & wonderful things I have now, I wouldn’t have or be.

I know something about you, just based on the fact that you are listening to me right now… You have an amazing heart. You love. And I LOVE that about you! You keep on loving, deep in your heart. Spread your love wherever you go. Even if that means you’re different than the ones you think you want to be like.

Stay here, when I come back I’ll share some words of affirmation/gratitude that you can say to help you change your mindset & stop stealing your joy from yourself.

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And I’m back! Thanks for sticking around! Here are some words of affirmation & gratitude to help you remember that you are supposed to be you. Not someone else!

So here we go….. Let’s start by taking 3 deep breaths in & out…

Breathe in….. Breathe out.

Breathe in….. Breathe out.

Breathe in….. Breathe out.

Repeat after me - either in your head or outloud…

I am enough.

I am confident.

I believe in myself.

I am proud of my accomplishments.

My opinion matters.

I am talented.

I am beautiful - inside & out.

I trust myself.

I am thankful that I can always be myself.

I am grateful that I can do or be anything in this life.

I am thankful that I am not the same as everyone else.

I am grateful that I have been uniquely made.

Each day I am bold, and I walk on my path with courage.

Today, I choose to think positively and create an amazing and successful life for myself.

I love you.

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Say this often. Come back & say it with me. It is more powerful when multiple people say the same thing. Even if it’s a recording. Because my intention behind it is love.

Say these things until you believe them. Until you live your life as them. Knowing that this is WHO YOU ARE. And you are perfect just being you.

So, my loves, if no one has told you today… I love you. I love you for you & who you are in this very moment. Thank you so very much for listening. I hope you will come back for more.

In the meantime, here are my parting words:

Have Faith. Give Grace.

You ARE Worthy.

And…..

I love you.