Have you ever snapped at a loved one?

Your partner, your child, or a friend?

And the second the words left your mouth, you felt that gut wrenching regret.

Or maybe you've gone from totally calm to seeing red in an instant.

And afterwards you found yourself thinking, what the hell just happened?

Why do I keep losing control?

If you're like most people, you probably believe anger is something that happens to you.

Something uncontrollable, like a storm that sweeps in before you even see it coming.

But what if I told you that anger isn't just some uncontrollable force?

What if right now you're making a choice without even realizing it that's keeping you stuck in the same cycle?

In today's episode, I'm removing the curtain on one of the biggest misconceptions about anger.

By the time we're done, you'll have a whole new understanding of whether anger is really a choice and how this simple shift in thinking could be the key to finally breaking free from those blow ups you regret.

Hello, and welcome to episode 24 of the Anger Management Podcast.

I'm your host, Alistair Dews.

Over the last 30 years, I have taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more loving relationships.

In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, happier, and more peaceful lives.

Today, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to discuss one of the biggest misconceptions about anger.

Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode, too.

I'll summarize Jake and Sarah's conversation and tell you how to control your anger once and for all.

Let's get started with Jake and Sarah's deep dive.

Have you ever, like, just totally snapped on someone?

You know, like, said or did something in the heat of the moment and then instantly regretted it?

Oh, yeah.

It kind of makes you wonder, right?

Is anger something we actually choose, or is it just like this automatic thing?

You know, that's a question I think people have been wrestling with for centuries, and it's not an easy yes or no answer.

Yeah, it's complicated.

Just imagine this.

You're in a huge argument, right?

Your heart is pounding, palms are sweaty, and then your partner says that one thing that pushes you over the edge and you lash out.

So did you choose to get angry then?

Well, in that moment, it really doesn't feel like a choice.

It's more like a reflex almost.

It can definitely feel that way, but here's where things get really interesting.

Okay, what if I told you that we all have these early warning signs that pop up before we get really angry?

Oh, early warning signs, like what?

Think of them as signals from your body and your mind.

Little cues that you're getting close to that boiling point.

It could be physical, like your heart racing or your jaw clenching.

Oh, yeah.

Or maybe it's more emotional, you know, feeling totally overwhelmed or super irritated.

Some people even notice, like specific thought patterns they have.

Like what?

Like they feel like everyone's against them or something.

Ah, so these early warning signs are kind of like a heads up that anger is coming.

Exactly.

Okay, but what if we don't even notice them?

Right.

Does that mean we're not choosing to be angry?

That's one way to look at it, I guess.

Okay, you could say that if you aren't aware of those signs, you're probably going to react more instinctively.

Right, but here's where the idea of choice comes back in.

It really all boils down to our beliefs.

Beliefs like what I believe about the world.

How does that make me angry?

Well, our beliefs are super powerful.

You know, they shape how we see things and how we react to them.

Okay, so let's say your partner criticizes something you did.

If you believe deep down that any criticism is a personal attack, Right.

You're probably gonna get upset and angry.

Yeah, I could see that.

But what if you believed that your partner is giving you feedback because they care and they wanna help you?

Then you might react totally differently.

With more understanding, maybe even gratitude.

So basically the same situation can trigger a totally different reaction depending on what we believe about it.

Exactly.

Things.

That's fascinating, but don't we just kind of have our beliefs like they were mostly formed when we were kids?

Right.

That's what a lot of people think.

Yeah, but the really cool thing is we can actually challenge and even change those beliefs as adults.

Wait, are you saying I can choose to believe something different and that will change how I react?

That's the idea.

Wow, I'm definitely intrigued.

Tell me more.

So how do we even start to figure out what beliefs are making us angry?

It sounds pretty complicated.

Well, it definitely takes some looking inward, but it's worth it.

One thing you can do is try to really pay attention to your thoughts when you feel that anger coming up.

Okay.

Ask yourself, what am I telling myself about this situation and what beliefs are making me think These things.

So, like, if I'm totally furious because someone cut me off in traffic, it's not just their bad driving.

It's more about what I'm telling myself about.

Exactly.

Like, maybe I'm thinking they disrespected me or that everyone's out to get me or something.

Right.

Once you can figure out those beliefs, you can start to question them.

Okay, health.

Ask yourself, is this belief actually true?

Is there another way to see this situation?

So I can take a step back and challenge those automatic reactions, those stories I'm telling myself, I can see how that could be helpful.

But changing those deep down beliefs doesn't sound easy.

Where do we even start?

It is a process for sure, and it takes time and effort.

But there are lots of tools and techniques that can help.

Oh, really?

Like what?

Things like journaling, mindfulness, and even cognitive therapy can be really effective.

Okay, so let's say I'm ready to tackle those beliefs.

What would that actually look like?

All right.

Imagine you're stuck in that traffic jam again.

You feel your anger rising, and you realize you're thinking, people should just follow the rules.

This is so disrespectful.

That's when you pause and challenge that belief.

Ask yourself, is it realistic to expect that everyone will always drive perfectly?

Could there be another reason for this person's driving?

Maybe an emergency?

Oh, I see.

So it's about moving away from that black and white thinking, Right?

It's about having more understanding and compassion for yourself and others.

I like that.

And remember, changing your beliefs is a journey, not just a destination.

Be patient with yourself and celebrate those little wins along the way.

Okay, so we've got this idea of challenging our beliefs, but what about those times when the anger just feels overwhelming?

Sometimes it feels like anger just comes out of nowhere.

Is that even possible?

You know, it can definitely feel that way.

But remember those early warning signs, right?

They can be subtle sometimes, like a tightness in your chest or a change in your breathing.

So I might not even notice them consciously, but they're still happening.

Exactly.

That's why being aware of yourself is so important.

Okay.

The more in tune you are with your body and mind, the better you'll get at recognizing those little cues before the anger gets out of control.

So awareness is key.

But what can I actually do when I notice those early warning signs?

How can I stop the anger from taking over?

This is where having coping mechanisms really helps.

Think of it like a toolbox full of techniques that you can use to manage your anger when you're triggered.

It's like taking deep breaths, going for a walk, or listening to calming music.

Exactly.

Those are great examples.

It's all about finding what works best for you.

Some people find exercise really helpful, while others prefer things like meditation or journaling.

So it's like having a menu of options for dealing with anger.

Right.

And the more tools you have in your toolbox, the more prepared you'll be to handle those tough situations.

This is so empowering.

It's like we're not just stuck with our anger anymore.

We have choices.

Absolutely.

And one of the most important choices is to seek support when you need it.

You mean like therapy or anger management programs?

Those can be super helpful, but support can also come from friends, family, or even online communities.

The important thing is to reach out and connect with people who understand what you're going through.

Like sharing your struggles can actually make them easier to deal with.

Exactly.

Sharing your experiences and learning from others can be really validating and empowering.

You're not alone in this.

I love that this has been such an insightful conversation.

I think our listeners are realizing that anger management isn't just about controlling outbursts.

Right.

It's more about creating a whole new way of understanding ourselves and others.

You got it.

It's about growing emotionally, both as individuals and in our relationships.

And that sounds like a journey worth taking.

Okay, so we've talked about those early warning signs and changing our beliefs, but how does all this stuff actually work in relationships?

Like, how can we use these ideas to handle conflict better?

That's a great question.

Because, you know, relationships can be tough.

They can bring up a lot of anger, but they can also help us grow and connect more deeply if we're willing to work through conflicts in a healthy way.

Right.

So how do we do that?

It all comes down to communication.

Communication?

Really?

Yeah.

It's the foundation of any good relationship.

And it's especially important when we're dealing with anger.

Okay, I guess that makes sense.

Yeah.

But what's so special about communication when it comes to anger?

Well, you'd be surprised how often anger comes from miscommunication or just not communicating very well.

When we're angry, we tend to fall into these communication traps, like interrupting, blaming, or getting defensive.

That just makes things worse.

It's like pouring gasoline on a fire.

Definitely.

But how can we communicate better when we're angry?

One of the most important skills is active listening.

Active listening?

Yeah.

And I don't just mean nodding your head and pretending to pay attention.

It's about really trying to understand what the other person is saying, even if you don't agree with them.

Oh, okay.

It's about trying to see their point of view and acknowledging their feelings.

So like making eye contact, asking questions and repeating back what you hear?

Exactly.

It shows the other person that you're really listening and that you care about how they feel.

I can see how that would help someone calm down.

Definitely.

When someone feels heard and understood, it can really de escalate the situation makes sense.

And remember, it's okay to take a break from the conversation if things are getting too heated.

You can always come back to it when you're both calmer.

That's good advice.

We've covered a lot today.

We've explored those early warning signs, talked about challenging our beliefs, the importance of self forgiveness, and now we've got some communication tools for handling conflict better.

It's been a great discussion.

And remember, managing anger isn't about never getting angry.

It's about understanding your anger, developing healthy ways to cope, and choosing how you want to respond instead of just reacting.

I like that.

It's about taking back control and choosing peace over just reacting.

Well said.

And if you're feeling overwhelmed or stuck, remember you're not alone.

There are lots of resources out there to help you.

Speaking of resources, I want to remind our listeners about the great work of anger management expert Alistair Tuz.

Yes, Alistair has a ton of free resources on his website, including a free anger management training that can help you put all of these ideas into practice.

His website is angersecrets.com definitely check it out.

It could make a huge difference in your journey towards a calmer, happier life.

I totally agree.

Remember, you have the power to change your relationship with anger.

It starts with awareness, intention, and a willingness to practice.

Thank you for joining us on this deep dive into the world of anger.

We hope you've learned some valuable things and feel empowered to create a life where anger doesn't control you.

It's been great talking about this with you.

Until next time, remember to be kind to yourselves, stay curious and keep exploring.

We'll see you next time on the Deep Dive.

Okay, thanks for tuning in to today's episode of the anger management podcast.

I hope you found this deep dive into whether anger is a choice useful.

Before we finish, let's summarize the main ideas that Jake and Sarah talked about.

First, anger feels automatic, but it's not out of your control.

Many people think anger just happens like a sudden storm you have no say in.

But here's the thing.

While you might not choose to feel that initial surge of anger.

What happens next is where your choice comes in.

The key is awareness.

You can only make a choice if you know there's a choice to be made.

That's why the first step to controlling anger is noticing it as it builds.

Body, emotions and thoughts all give you clues.

Tension in your chest, feelings of frustration or a sudden urge to argue.

The sooner you catch these signals, the more control you have.

Without awareness, anger controls you.

With awareness, you take back control.

Secondly, your beliefs shape your reactions.

Ever wonder why two people can face the same situation, but one stays calm while the other explodes?

It all comes down to beliefs.

You'll likely get defensive and angry if you believe someone's criticism is a personal attack.

But if you believe they're giving feedback because they care, you'll stay much calmer.

Beliefs aren't set in stone.

You can challenge and change them.

And when you do, you change how you experience anger.

Lastly, at the end of the day, anger is a choice.

When you boil it all down, anger is always a choice, but at different levels.

In the moment, you can only choose how to respond if you're aware it's happening.

But on a deeper level, your beliefs and interpretations shape whether you get angry at all.

The more you train yourself to be aware, challenge your beliefs and choose a different response, the less anger will control your life.

Okay, I hope you found this episode helpful.

If you did, I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to follow this podcast on your favourite podcast app and leave a quick rating and review.

This helps other people find the show and start their journey to a calmer, happier, healthier life.

Remember too, for free support to control your anger, including access to a free training or a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website, angersecrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angersecrets.comcourse to enrol in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System, I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.

Finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

I'll see you in the next episode.

Take care.

The Anger management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.