SFX: News Intro Music

NEWS READER JESS: (at mic)

Good morning to the Front Range, and thanks as always for tuning in to XTTY: Independent Internet News and Music for Fort Collins, Loveland, and Longmont. As always, I’m Jess, here for your morning commute or walk of shame. It is 7:58, skies are clear, and today’s high should be around 82°

All of which will be excellent news for Fort Collins’ mutant rabbits. No, this is not a case of our radio station reporting on the cryptids others refuse to cover. Rabbits have been seen for two summers now in and around Fort Collins with strange, black, twisted growths around their heads and mouths. Resembling horns or feathers, these growths are caused by rabbit pap il lomas. According to Colorado Parks & Wildlife, this virus is not transmissible to humans or other animals.

Personally, I’m keeping a closer eye on the local rabbits just in case.

In other news not acknowledged by Parks & Wildlife, the corpse of a decimated pronghorn was found in Barr Lake State Park north of Denver International Airport. A drone hobbyist in the area claims to have footage of a small dog-like creature with tentacles in the area, but we cannot yet confirm the recording exists.

Loyal listeners may recall the recent and still unsolved mystery at DIA of missing intoxicants. Alcohol and cannabis began to disappear from in and around the airport, with clear liquors being replaced with water, brown liquors with iced tea, and cannabis with oregano. Some riders on the trains between concourses claim to have seen a similar creature, shortly after which all the booze and blunts returned to their usual potency.

More as this story develops. But for now, let’s turn up the volume on your commute with an oldie but a goodie from Podcast Book Club, “Finch, You Can’t Kill my Jam.”

SFX: Good Morning Evildoers theme music fades in then out.

WINIFRED: (at mic)

Good morning, Evildoers. Time for another productive day at Global Synergy Amalgamated! This is Winifred from HR with your daily announcements, and we have got to talk about your badges!

Now, when you were hired — or, y’know, when you woke up in employee housing with your memory selectively erased and several new flesh or cybernetic enhancements — you had to read and sign the employee handbook. I know because I wrote the onboarding procedure. And because every time someone signs, HR gets a little sulfurous puff of smoke. Sort of like when there’s a new pope!

But despite all of that, every so often, employees get careless. And around here, well, that’s a bit more dangerous than if you work at the Food Lion. You know there aren’t even any lions there? Deceptive advertising…

Sorry. Got distracted. The point is you’ve got to hold on to that employee ID! I mean, it’s more than just a keycard — it is the sole tether between your mortal identity and the Global Synergy Amalgamated personnel registry!

If I may quote from the handbook: “Loss, theft, or unauthorized duplication may result in complications, including but not limited to: reassignment to a non-corporeal department, irreversible nasal tentacles, or going unrecognized by internal security measures such as the skunk apes or the supersized white blood cells. Should you misplace your badge, report it to Security immediately — before the badge finds a new bearer on its own.” End quote.

Also, there’s a $5 charge to replace it!

Honestly, that’s just because it means I have to futz with spreadsheets. I really need to learn more about the department computers. And computers in general frankly. Turns out they’re not just a flash in the pan. I mean, I can handle my email and use Sharepoint and get to the scripts for the partners like Donner Party Planning, but there’s so much more to learn, especially the Internet parts. You have to understand, back when I got my first abacus, I thought I was hot shit! Still, change is exciting, isn’t it?

And speaking of change, we’re rolling out a new recycling initiative! This was one of the ideas dropped into the Suggestion Casket outside the Politics & Ratfucking Department — because if anyone knows about the importance of properly disposing of paper, it’s those folks. Which reminds me, we should play the missing eighteen and a half minutes from the Nixon tapes at the next potluck. Haven’t heard that in ages. It’s a giggle.

Anyhoo, you’ll see the new bins rolling out this week. Black will still be the color for regular refuse, blue is for paper, silver is for metal and styrofoam, and green is for toxins, poisons, or any biological waste not suitable for the Reincarnation & Necromancy Department.

Let’s see. What else? Ah! Yes. So apparently, the haunting aria in the elevator shaft next to the volcano conduit is not a wellness initiative. None of our sirens or rusalkas are involved, so until we get to the bottom of that little conundrum, don’t sing along. We can’t guarantee your survival.

Now, this bit’s important, mm? Listen up. In a few days, we’re going to be hosting a delegation from Atlantis. Some of you may recall the weird Good…thing out here in Denver? Making the mole people disappear? Well, when I…ah…dealt with it, it wasn’t completely obliterated, and a fragment made its way back to the Atlantean settlement. And they’re blowing up the emails and phones and bloodstone circles of the Higher Ups. We’ll be having a meeting to smooth things over. So if you see slender, glowing figures with gills, about eight feet tall? Play nicely. They’re already in such a mood.

Oh! And anyone finding extra limbs in the break room fridges should store them in the “Parts for Later” freezer, not with the ice cream.

Well, that’s everything for now. Go on out there be your worst self today! Bye-bye now!