Have you ever thought, why is making friends as an adult so hard?

You're not alone.

In our younger years, friendships seemed to happen effortlessly through school, through work, or our kids activities.

But after 50, things shift.

We move, we retire, we change.

And suddenly making new connections can feel like an uphill battle.

But here's the thing.

It's never too late to build deep, meaningful friendships.

Today we're talking about why making friends after 50 feels different.

And more importantly, how to create genuine, lasting connections in this stage of life.

It's good to be alive, but it's best to truly live.

Let your spirit fly.

Celebrate the journey every single day.

Aging with grace and style in our own special way.

Welcome to Aging with Grace and Style, the show where we embrace midlife with confidence, purpose and joy.

I'm Valerie, and if this is your first time listening, I am so, so glad you're here.

If you've been here rocking with me for a while, then welcome back.

I appreciate you spending this time with me.

Today's episode is all about friendship.

Because let's be real.

While we might crave deep connections, actually finding and maintaining friendships in midlife, it's a whole different story.

So grab your coffee, your water, your tea, whatever it is you want to sip on, get comfy, and let's dive in.

So why does making friends as an adult feel so much harder?

The truth is, life gets in the way because between careers, family obligations, and personal growth, our social circles naturally shift.

Sometimes friendships fade due to distance, evolving priorities, or just the busyness of life.

And let's be honest, putting yourself out there can feel intimidating at this stage.

But here's the good news.

Meaningful friendships are still possible.

We just have to be intentional about how we approach them.

I honestly think that having real friendships in midlife is more crucial than ever at this stage of life.

I've come come to realize just how important real friendships are.

It's not about having a large circle.

It's about having people in your life who truly know and love you.

For me, the friendships that have stood the test of time were formed at work and at church.

I have worked for the same company for over 30 years.

And in those 30 years, I've developed lifelong best friends.

One of them, Yvette, is someone that I don't see often.

We met when I first started with the company.

She was already working there.

And when I tell you she knows all the skeletons she does.

And I will forever love her for being who she is and for the relationship that we have, then there's another Friend Tanya, who I've known for 17, 18 years, also met at work.

Our relationship is different than mine with Yvette, but I think that happens.

Your relationship with each friend is going to be different, but we share a tight bond in our own way.

I have come to understand that every friendship has its own unique space.

What you share with one friend may be different than what you share with another, and that's okay.

As a matter of fact, I truly believe that each friend brings something different out of you.

Now, for me, I am going to be me, my authentic self, regardless of what friends I am with.

Because to me, that makes the friendship better, knowing that I can be me.

But I think each person or each relationship brings something different.

And depending on what's going on in life, it might be something that, hey, I really need to talk to my girl who has known me for 30 years because she's really going to know the history and we're going to be able to work through it.

Or it could be something else where I need to talk, talk to the other friend.

But then there are my church friendships.

I vividly recall meeting my friend Regina.

Now, what's funny is that it was her daughter who was about six at that time.

She was the first one to try to befriend my son, who was about three.

She saw this little boy and she wanted to invite him up to children's church.

But Regina was one of the first to befriend me when we were new to the church.

Of course, she and her husband, even still to this day, are always the ones that are welcoming people.

But they took us in well over 20 years later.

And we're not just friends now, we're family.

We've been through those milestones with our kids and we know each other's families.

And so those are truly the relationships that matter.

And of course, I can't forget my granny group.

They're a wonderful group of women from church.

Also, over the years, we found common bonds, shared interests and similar goals.

And we've come together in such a meaningful way.

At this point in my life, as I said before, I don't need a lot of friends.

I just want a few real friends.

It's quality over quantity.

And that, my friend, makes all the difference.

Making friends in midlife is a unique challenge.

But understanding why it feels different can help us navigate it with more confidence.

Here are a few key reasons.

We're not in built in social environments anymore.

In our younger years, we made friends through school, through work or parenting activities.

After 50 many of those structured social circles, they dissolve, making organic connections harder to come by.

Our priorities shift.

We start valuing quality over quantity.

We don't just want surface level friendships.

We want deep, meaningful connections.

And those they take time to build.

We've been hurt before, so let's be real life experiences.

Life experience comes with this fair share of betrayals, disappointments and trust issues.

Many of us are more guarded than we were in our younger years.

And there's fear of rejection.

Putting yourself out there is scary at any age.

But after 50, the fear of being vulnerable, it can hold us back from reaching out.

Maintaining friendships can be just as hard as making them.

If you've already have great friendships, it's important to nurture them.

I personally struggle with reaching out.

I get busy, time passes and before I know it, months have gone by.

And it's not at all that I don't value my friends.

I just need to be more intentional about staying connected.

But knowing why it's tough is only the first step.

Building lasting friendships isn't just about meeting people.

It's about fostering real connections.

And to do that, we have to focus on three essential pillars.

They are proximity, shared experiences, and energy.

These three elements, they create the foundation for natural, fulfilling and long lasting friendships.

So let's break them down a little further.

Proximity isn't just about physical closeness.

It's about the frequency of interactions that naturally foster deeper connections.

People tend to form friendships with those that they encounter regularly in their daily lives.

In our earlier years, as we mentioned, structured environments like schools or workplaces provided built in opportunities for regular contact.

For us, it was youth sports.

We were with parents on the teams all the time.

When we were on traveling teams, we traveled with those parents.

So those repeated interactions over time created opportunities for casual interactions that developed into deeper connections.

As we age these opportunities, they diminish, making it essential to seek out new avenues for consistent interaction.

The key to all of this is repetition.

And then there vulnerability and shared experiences.

Those are important elements in building and deepening friendships.

Opening up and sharing personal thoughts, feelings and experiences that we're going through, they help with communication.

Examples would be confiding in each other about personal struggles or maybe bonding over a project or taking a trip together.

This can bring emotional intimacy and strengthen bonds.

To cultivate this element or this pillar, we can engage in new activities together that really push the comfort zones.

We can practice active listening and nonjudgmental responses and share personal stories and reflections.

After shared experiences, we want to create safe spaces for open and Honest communication and then, you know.

Friendships, like any relationship, require energy.

The amount of time, emotional investment and effort that we put into maintaining them determines their strength.

A friendship that feels one sided or or neglected, it won't thrive.

Both people need to invest time and energy.

We should make friendships a priority.

We know life gets busy and if we don't carve out time for our friendships, then they're going to fade.

Just a quick check in text or a phone call or a coffee date can help keep a friendship alive.

Trust me, I suck at this.

Which helps me transition into the Let Them theory.

So a huge source of frustration in friendships is unmet expectations.

Maybe you felt like you're always the one reaching out or you've been hurt by a friend who didn't show up the way that you expected.

Instead of holding on to that disappointment, we need to just let them.

We free ourselves from frustrations by allowing people to be who they are and focusing on those who genuinely reciprocate.

Reciprocate.

I first heard of the Let Them theory through Mel Robin Robbins.

It's a simple but powerful mindset Shift.

Instead of stressing over how others behave in our friendships, we shift our focus to our own actions and reactions.

If someone is not showing up the way we hoped, we let them.

We stop chasing friendships that feel one sided and we start investing energy into people who naturally meet us where we are.

Let them be who they are.

Not everyone will be as available, as expressive or as engaged as you might like.

And that's okay.

Accept them as they are instead of trying to change them.

Let them leave if they choose to.

Some friendships fade and that doesn't mean they weren't valuable at one point in time.

If someone drifts away, then let them.

Forcing connections rarely works.

Let them show you who they are.

Pay attention to patterns and behavior.

If someone consistently cancels, or if they they don't reciprocate effort, or if they never reach out first, believe them when they show you where their friendship stands.

This is actually helpful to me because as I've said, I am sometimes the one who doesn't reach out first.

And it's not because I don't want the person in my life.

I actually think of them often.

I'm that person who in the morning says oh you know what, I need to contact so and so.

And the day goes by and then I never contact so and so.

I really need to get better with this.

I need to stop saying that I'm going to get better and just get better.

So that's what I'm going to work on.

When we embrace the let them theory, we stop pouring energy into relationships that deplete us and we start nurturing the ones that truly matter.

We've talked about some foundational stuff, but you might be wondering where to meet like minded people.

Instead of hoping friendships will just happen, place yourself in environments where repeated interaction is natural.

Here are some places to start.

Maybe join a group or a club.

So whether it's a book club or running group, the gym, joining a group that's centered around a shared interest is one of the easiest ways to connect.

Engaging in your own interest and hobbies can lead you to kindred spirits.

Get involved in your community.

Volunteering or attending church events or participating in community activities.

It's a great way to meet people with similar values.

As I mentioned earlier, I've met some of my best friends at church.

Take a class.

Whether it's a yoga class or an art class or a cooking workshop, learning something new brings you together with others who share your curiosity.

Engaging in activities that you genuinely enjoy makes it easier to connect with others who share those interests and then reconnect with old friends.

So sometimes the friendships that we need are already in our lives.

A simple text or phone call to an old friend can reignite a connection.

Finding time for coffee, lunch, or even a phone chat can rekindle meaningful relationships.

Now, once you found opportunities to meet new people, don't forget the friendships need nourishing.

Schedule check ins with existing friends if you're like me and don't always reach out first and set reminders to check in with friends.

A simple thinking of you text goes a long way.

Regular meetups, small gestures of kindness and genuine effort, they keep relationships strong.

Here's your challenge for this week.

You know I always give one every week.

Take one small step towards deepening or creating friendships.

Send a message, schedule a coffee date or say yes to an invitation.

As a matter of fact, the minute I am done with this, wait, I'm picking up my phone right now and I am sending a message to a friend just to tell her I was thinking about her.

I've gotten that done.

I have a few more that I need to send when this is over.

If this episode resonated with you, then share it with a current or prospective friend and let's build a stronger community together.

Cheers to having real friends in your 50s and beyond.

May we keep them.

May we find them, make time for them, appreciate and love them.

Remember, friendships don't happen by accident.

They happen by intention so keep showing up, keep reaching out.

Keep embracing this chapter of life with confidence, style, and of course, just a little bit of sass.

I'll be back next week, same time, same place.

And since we're friends, I hope you'll join me.

Thanks for hanging out with me today.

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Until next time, keep shining with grace, style, and a touch of sass.