Welcome to the Mother-Daughter Relationship. Show the podcast for mothers and daughters who want to build stronger bonds, deepen their understanding and transform their relationships. I'm your host, Brittany Scott, licensed therapist and mother-daughter relationship coach. After years of working with hundreds of daughters. And mothers. I've developed strategies that help break generational patterns, heal wounds, and create the loving relationships you've always wanted. Each week I'll be sharing insights from real clients, expert interviews and practical tools you can use immediately to improve your mother-daughter dynamic. Whether you're struggling with communication breakdowns, navigating major life transitions, or simply wanna take your already good relationship to the next level. The show is for you. And yes, the transformation I guide my clients through can be yours too. I'll share more about how you can work with me. It's time to experience the relationship you both deserve. Are you ready? Let's dive in. Hey, welcome back. It's your host, Brittany. I wanted to tell you something that happened to me a few years ago. I was at a woman's event, you know, one of those inspiring gatherings where everyone seems so connected and supportive when everything is inspirational. And I look around the room and I see groups of women laughing together, hugging, sharing with each other. Instead of feeling included, I sort of felt this like ping of loneliness even though I was surrounded by great women, amazing women. I felt like I was watching through glass like I was there, but not quite close enough. Like there was this invisible barrier between me and the kind of deep friendships, deep female friendships that I was seeing happening around me. And the thing is here they looked deep. I have no idea if they actually were, because I mean, I was just in this room. I bet there was a lot of other women that were in that room and came in alone like I did, but it looked close and it felt like I was on the outside. Maybe you know this feeling, maybe you've looked at other women who seem to have best friends, who have those ride or die girlfriends who have their person that they can call at 2:00 AM and you've wondered what's wrong with me? Why don't I have that? Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with you. It's not that you are broken or you're doing something wrong. I bet it's that your first relationship with a woman, your mother taught you something about what to expect from relationships with other girls or women. And if that relationship was painful and consistent for unsafe, it makes sense that trusting other women would feel scary. Today we're talking about something I'm starting to see discussed more, but I. How our mother ones affect our ability to build deep, meaningful friendships with other women, and more importantly, how we can heal this so we can experience the beautiful sisterhood that you deserve because you do deserve it. You deserve relationships with other women who see you, celebrate you and show up for you. And it's absolutely possible, even if it doesn't feel that way right now. So if any of this is resonating with you, stick around relationships with women is episode. Let's start with understanding why struggling and friendships happens. I like to always start with why. Why things happen, why things occur, because I think it helps us have more compassion for ourselves and our struggles. Your relationship with your mother was your first blueprint for what relationships with women look like. It was your introduction to what energy, love, and communication from other girls or women would be like. That blueprint lives on in your nervous system, shaping your expectations and responses to all women who come after you. If your mother was loving, consistent, and emotionally safe, if she celebrated your wins, comforted your losses, and made you feel valued just for being you, then your nervous system learned that women and girls were safe. You learn that relationships with them can be nurturing and supportive. If your mother was critical, unpredictable, competitive, or emotionally unavailable. Your nervous system learned something very different. It learned that women might hurt you, judge you, abandon you, or use your vulnerabilities against you, which means you fear relationships with other girls or women. And here's the thing, your nervous system doesn't distinguish between your mother and other women. When you meet a new friend, your body is unconsciously scanning for familiar patterns. It's asking is she safe? Will she hurt me like my mom did? Can I be vulnerable here? Maybe your mother was hypercritical. So now when you're around other women, you're constantly worried they're judging you. Maybe she was unpredictable with her love. So you find yourself walking on eggshells in relationships with other women trying not to do anything that might pull them away from you. Maybe she was competitive with you commenting on your appearance, your achievements, your relationships in ways that felt more like rivalry than support. So now when other women succeed, part of you feels threatened instead of celebratory or maybe your mother taught you directly not to trust women. I hear this often. I can't tell you how many clients have told me that their mother said things like, girls are just jealous of you. Or Don't get too close to other girls. They'll stab you in the back. It's better to have guy friends. Guys are less drama like those all tells, we say to girls, we're just teaching them not to trust each other. These messages, whether spoken or unspoken, taught you that women are dangerous, that relationships with girls and women are something to be cautious about rather than something to be celebrated. Let me describe some patterns you might recognize, and I want you to know if these resonate. You're not alone, you're not broken. These are normal responses to what you may have experienced. First surface level connections. Maybe you have lots of acquaintances, but no one you call. You can chat easily at parties. You're friendly with your coworkers. You might even go to lunch with women occasionally. But when it comes to really letting someone see you, your struggles, your fears, your real self, you keep that locked away. You might find yourself keeping conversations light and safe, talking about work, maybe kids, the weather for events, anything except what's really going on in your heart, because somewhere inside you learn that showing your vulnerability to women isn't safe. Second. Fear of judgment. You might find yourself constantly worried about what other women think of you. You analyze every interaction. Did I say the wrong thing? Do they think I'm weird? Are they talking about me when I'm not around? You might feel like you don't fit in with groups of women. Like there's some secret handbook, everyone else, got, that tells them how to be in good friendships and somehow you missed it. You might feel like you're performing in friendships rather than just being yourself. Third. Competition instead of celebration. This one can feel really shameful to admit, but it's so common. Maybe when other women succeed instead of feeling happy for them, you feel threatened or jealous. Maybe when you see women with close mother-daughter relationships, it stings instead of inspiring you. You might find yourself comparing constantly, your appearance, your achievements, your relationships, keeping score in a game you don't even want to be playing. Fourth difficulty with reciprocity. Maybe you're either completely self-reliant, never asking for help or support, or you're constantly giving, or you're constantly giving, but never receiving. You might not know how to be interdependent. That beautiful balance between being able to give and receive care, being able to ask for help when you need it, and be helpful when someone needs it, or not even waiting for somebody to ask, but noticing what your friends need. That balance of interdependence and finally. Acquaintances instead of intimacy. You might have plenty of people you can grab coffee with, but no one you'd call when you're falling apart. No one who really knows your story or your dreams or your struggles. You keep everyone at arm's length because getting closer just feels too risky. I want you to know that all of these patterns make perfect sense given what you learned about relationships. Your nervous system is trying to protect you based on your earliest experiences, but these protections that once kept you safe might be you. When I look at behavior, I always come with the the thought or the perspective that all behavior makes sense, or maybe I should say most behavior makes sense. There's rarely any behavior that's happening out of context with something else. So if you struggle to trust women today as an adult, that behavior is going to make sense for what you experienced in your childhood. So most behavior makes sense if we're gonna look at context. So don't beat yourself up if you notice any of these in yourself. It's not that you've done anything wrong, it's that you're just responding to what you experienced. Most behavior is gonna make sense when we look at the context. Okay? So now that you know this, what do you do about it? How do you learn to trust your judgment about which women are safe to get close to? First, let's talk about green flags. Signs that a woman might be emotionally safe for deeper friendship. Safe women validate your feelings without trying to fix or minimize your experience. When you share something difficult, they say things like, oh, that sounds really hard, or I can see why you'd feel that way. Instead of immediately jumping to advice or telling you why you shouldn't feel that way. They're consistent in their words and actions. They show up when they say they will. They follow through on plans. They don't promise things they can't deliver. Consistency builds trust slowly and safely. Women celebrate your wins without making it about them. When you share good news, genuinely happy for. They don't immediately shift the conversation to themselves or their own similar experience. They can hold space for your joy. They respect your boundaries. When you say no to something, they don't push or make you feel guilty or make you feel bad about it. They understand that boundaries are healthy, parts of relationships, not personal rejections, and they show up during difficult times not to fix or rescue you or show you pity, but just to be present. They check in when you're going through something hard. They offer support without expecting anything in return. Now, I want you to hear those green flags and know that you also have to show those green flags in your own behavior. You can't just look forward to other women and not be doing these things yourself. Okay, now let's talk about red flags. Signs that someone might not be emotionally safe for deeper. Women who gossip about other friends are likely gossiping about you to someone is constantly sharing people. Pay attention to that pattern 'cause they're probably doing it with your business. Also, women who make you feel bad about your choices, who are constantly giving unsolicited advice, who seem to need you to be struggling in order to feel good about themselves. These are not safe people to be vulnerable with. Keep your vulnerabilities to yourself. Maybe keep this person as an acquaintance. Women who are only available when they need something, who disappear when you're going through hard times. Who can't celebrate your success. These patterns tell you a lot about their capacity for genuine friendship. They're looking for green flag women when they are actually red flag Women and women who feel competitive or threatened by you, who make subtle digs about your appearance or achievements, who seem to need to one up you in conversations, your nervous system is probably picking up on something real here. You're probably not safe with her. Trust your gut feelings. Trust your inner knowing. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself consistently, if you feel like you're walking on eggshells around them, if you feel drained rather than energized after spending time with them, listen to that Trust yourself. This may not be someone that you wanna be close friends with. Okay? So let's say you've met one or a few women who you may want to be close friends with. How do you start to build deeper relationships? When trust can feel so scary, I want you to go slow. Start small. Test the waters. Think of it like dipping your toe in the pool before you jumping in. You don't have to dive into the deep end of vulnerability right away. You can share something small and see how it's received. Maybe you share a minor struggle you're having and see if she responds with empathy or tries to fix you. Now the fixing part, some people are just eager to help and be supportive and be helpful. So that's not an immediate like red flag, but if it comes across as like she knows what she's doing and you don't, maybe then it's a red flag. Maybe share a small success and see if she celebrates with you or seems threatened by it. Pay attention to how you feel after these interactions. Do you feel seen and heard? Do you feel judged or misunderstood? Do you feel energized or drained? I've said this before, I'm probably going to keep saying this again and again and again. Your body is always giving you information about whether someone feels safe or about whether you are safe. Look for reciprocity. Does she share things with you too? Are you both contributing to the conversation and the relationship? Healthy friendships have a natural give and take. And lastly, be patient with yourself. If you've been protecting yourself from relationships with other women for years, it's going to feel vulnerable to start opening up again. That's normal. You're not going to fix this in a few days. You don't have to push through the fear. You can acknowledge it and move forward gently and slowly, and take your time. There's no rush to make this happen. Here's an example of what taking it slow can look like. If you're into books and you enjoy reading, I want you to join a book club where the focus is on the book and not personal sharing. Maybe there's some personal stories that come up, but you're really discussing the book that was read that month. Okay? Start small. Maybe there's gonna be a woman in that group that you resonate with or that you like and want to be friends with. So you start by having coffee with her. Then slowly, very slowly. You start sharing more of yourself, you become vulnerable with her. You check in with each other throughout the month as you're reading the book, you arrive to the book club together. Like this is what slow can look like. Nothing has to be all in. You don't have to jump into the deep end. Take your time, see how things feel. Okay, so I wanna give you a few concrete strategies you can start using today. First, I want you to practice vulnerability in small doses instead of sharing everything or nothing at all. Try sharing something medium sized and see how it's received. Maybe you mention that you're feeling anxious about a work presentation or that you're struggling with a parenting decision. Second, I want you to ask deeper questions instead of staying on surface level with how's work or what's bringing you joy lately, if anyone's even asking that kind of question. But you get where I'm going. Ask deeper questions, invite deeper connection. And also when you do that and you ask the question, you're making the person in front of you that you're speaking to also feel safe to share 'cause you're opening up the floor for them to go deeper with you and showing them that you are also safe. Third, share your struggles, not just your highlights. We live in a social media world where everyone seems to be living their best life all the time, but we all know that's real. Yet we all feel a way about it. Still. Real friendships happen when we can be messy and imperfect and be human. If you can't do that and you're only sharing a highlight reel like we do online, this is not a deep friendship. It's not real. It's fake. So figure out who you can be real with. Share a struggle. Fourth, be the friend you want to have. Like I said earlier, show up for others the way you want them to show up for you. Check in when someone's going through a hard time or when they've gotten quiet. Check in. Maybe they're not sharing, they're having a hard time, but it would be nice for someone to notice, celebrate their wins. Genuinely. Be consistent, be reliable. Reciprocity here is also going to take you, putting in some work. Fifth, join communities aligned with your values, whether that's a spiritual community. A hobby group, like a book club, a professional organization, or a volunteer activity. When you're around people who share your values, friendship tends to develop more naturally and a lot easier. And finally, give yourself permission to outgrow friendships that no longer serve you. It's totally okay to recognize that some relationships were right for certain season of your life, but aren't healthy for you anymore. Growing means being selective about who you give your energy to, paying attention. Work harder to make this relationship work or noticing that this relationship just isn't going to work with who you've become today. We don't have to get rid of all of our relationships, but maybe there are some that they just can't go where you're going. And then maybe there is one or two where you can actually put in the hard work to fix this relationship, make it deeper, and make it safer because you are now different and have better skills. I want you to know that you deserve beautiful, supportive, nourishing friendships with other women. You deserve friends who see your heart and cherish it. You deserve to experience the unique joy that comes from being deeply known and loved by other women. It's it's special, like what women share together is so special and so unique, and you deserve that too. Your mother wound might have taught you that women aren't safe, but that was just her limitation. It doesn't define what's possible for you with other women. The healing happens in relationships. I say that a. Healing happens in communities. It happens inside our relationships. It happens with other people. As you start to experience safe loving connections with other women, you are literally rewiring your nervous system to understand that the love from them can be trustworthy. I promise you can do this and you can feel this and you deserve this. In next week's episode, we're going talk about something that might feel even more vulnerable than this. But the jealousy that comes up when we see other women have the mother-daughter relationships that you never had. It's painful to discuss for some, but it's so important to bring us out of the shadow. So I'm gonna help you face it. Until then, I want you to try one thing. Reach out to one woman in your life with a slightly deeper question or share. Maybe text a friend and ask how she's really doing. Maybe share something real with a coworker. If you trust them. Coworkers are iffy on becoming deep friends. But yeah, maybe share something real with the coworker instead of just talking about the weather. You don't have to do anything dramatic, just one small step toward the kind of connection that you want. You are worthy of beautiful friendships and healing. Your relationship with women starts with healing your relationship with yourself. I'm so proud of you for going along this journey with me and, and doing this work. If you're actually putting in effort to. But anyway, I'll see you next week. That's all for today's episode of the Mother-Daughter Relationship Show. Thanks so much for spending this time with me. I hope you picked up some valuable insights that you can start using right away in your own relationship to create deeper connection and understanding. If something from today's episode resonated with you, don't keep it to yourself. Share it with the mother or daughter in your life who needs to hear this message. And while you're at it, please consider leaving a rating. And review so we can reach more families and transform the way mothers and daughters relate to each other. For those ready to take the next step, you can visit my website to learn more about my private coaching programs and my program designed specifically for mother-daughter pairs. Whether you're dealing with communication challenges, life transitions, or just wanna strengthen an already good relationship, I'm here to help. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you in the next one.