Either you're dating from your saboteur and your little girl, which means you're

going to be compatible with someone else's saboteur. You are dating from

the sovereign woman, from the heroine, and then you are going to be

compatible with someone who's also sovereign, a sovereign king,

I would like to call it. So it's not that love doesn't

exist and you have to give up on love. In fact, I believe the love

you'll experience is far greater than, than any love you

could fathom. But here's the difference. When you are in your

heroine, when you are in your sovereign woman, you will

attract a partner who meets you with the woman that you

are and where you're coming from in yourself. So I think of

the men that I meet now in my life match the

heroine that I am, not my saboteur. Hello,

beautiful Kate Harlow here. Welcome back to the New Truth

podcast. And if you are new, this

topic, the Fairy tale. It's been a while since

I've gone directly. I don't even know if I've done anything about

the fairy tale in season three, but it feels like time.

I just finished the starting over weekend and you

know, of course, Catherine and I started. Those of you who've been around for a

long time know that Katherine and I started the New Truth because

we kept seeing over and over again women breaking their own hearts

based on this attachment to the fairy tale love story of

what love is supposed to look like and how, how

totally disillusioned women are and have been because of

this story that we were raised on as little girls. And of course,

when we're little children, I talk about this often. Dr. Bruce Lipson,

Dr. Bruce Lipton speaks of how our brains are in

a hypnotic state from age 0 to 7, which is why children

learn so quickly. So they're little sponges just

soaking up absolutely everything they see. Monkey see,

monkey do. And that's how they, that's how the brain develops. And if

you, if we're watching, you know, Disney, okay, Disney's come a long way in

the modern world. But when I was growing up, I was watching the Little

Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin

and, you know, all, every single Disney story was a love

story, Rapunzel. And it was of a princess

waiting Snow White. So I'm like, they're all coming back to me now.

Princess waiting to be rescued by a prince. And this is, we were

watching the, like, I was watching these when I was two years old, three years

old. So the brain's developing, and that's how we're

learning what love and relationship is. And it. And it

sets in. And then, of course, as we get older, we watch other shows and

movies and songs, and everything feeds the same

story. So the reason I felt inspired to talk about this

today is because I just finished a weekend workshop that I've been

talking about the last couple of weeks called stream. Starting over for women going through

breakup, divorce, big transition. And one of the

women in the group was talking about how she feels this

pressure. I think she's in her early

30s and she said all her friends are getting married and

she's feeling this pressure. And I hear this so often. You know, it's

really rare when I attract a woman who hasn't already

checked the boxes and headed for, you know, divorce or isn't

already divorced. Usually they're still in

the fantasy fairy tale thinking on some level.

And, you know, I think it really affects all women, like, even women who've

shut off from love because they think, you know, it's all

bullshit. But then someone comes along that.

That entices them and they feel this feeling, and all of a sudden there's this

pressure and this. This expectation, this

desire for things to move quickly, to be swept off our feet, for them to

show up in a certain way. And so I hon.

The conditioning and the programming of the fairy tale affects all of us, I don't

think. And I say all of us. If you've done a lot of

deprogramming like I have, then maybe you're a little bit less

susceptible to it. But I've been doing 20 years of deprogramming over

here, so I think we kind of have. Have to have these conversations

over and over and over again. Because really, the messaging of

love being big and fast and furious and hot and cold,

and he loves me, he doesn't love me. You know, all this

intensity that we are sol. Um, And. And.

And that idea that we're just gonna find the guy and

then everything, then we live happily ever after. Like, literally, that was

our programming. That was the mantra. And then they

lived happily ever after. And even

weddings mimic a fairy tale when you think about it.

Like how over the top are weddings? And why.

Have you ever thought about why are weddings so over the top?

Why? In the modern world, I think people spend on average

like tens of thousands of do, if not over a hundred thousand

dollars, some people even more on a wedding. But have you

ever stopped to ask yourself why? Like, why is.

Why. Why do we do that? Where Is that actually coming from

so often in the human experience, we just do what we're told

to do. We do what everyone else is doing.

Okay, So I remember being that age and feeling the pressure to

get married and feeling the pressure like it was around 20 for me.

27, 28, 29 when all of my friends in my circle got

married. I was a bridesmaid 11 times. And

I was in a relationship at the time, a five year relationship. And I remember

us talking about our wedding. Every time I would gather with my

girlfriends, they'd ask me, so when is it your turn? When is it your turn?

Like, it's just this, like, expected thing even that. How

crazy is that that we expect everyone to

get married for one. How crazy is it that we expect

people in their 20s and 30s to get

married when you don't even know who you are? Like,

so young and, you know, the world is so different. And here we are

in 2020, almost 6

cars can drive themselves. Technology is so advanced,

and still we think there's only one option for,

for our romantic lives that, that we're supposed to, at a

very young age, meet someone and it's just going to

click and they're going to be the one and they're going to be this grandiose

person and it's going to be this extraordinary love, and then

that's it, we're good. You get married and then you have some kids, you

know, you, you build a life. But like, that's it.

There is, there are so many flaws to this story. And it,

it baffles me that there's not a lot of

people even talking about this and that we're

still so programmed to follow

this path. And I just want to say, like, none

of, none of this episode is to put down marriage or to say

that it's not ever a good idea or that it's a

horrible thing. It's not about the marriage, it's not about the wedding.

But everything that I talk about with my clients and

everything that we're working on is unpacking.

What part of you is choosing this? Where is it coming

from? Is this choice rooted in

fear? And I would say for most women, it is.

So let's go back to the title, what the Fairy Tale Didn't Consider. And I

have three things that I want to talk about. The first

thing the fairy tale didn't consider is you.

I mean, I would say the first and most important thing is you.

Like, nowhere in your

upbringing, unless you had a super enlightened parent,

you Know, I think maybe that's possible nowadays. But

for the most part, those of you that are listening, nowhere did

somebody sit us down and say, it's time to

get to know your own soul. You've graduated high school, you've graduated

college, whatever. You know, you're at this age where you're going out

to explore the world. It's time to explore your

own soul. It's time to get to know the magic

of who you are. It's time to fall in love with your essence and your

gifts and the world and create a life that

lights your heart on fire. Can you imagine, like, if

that was what we got sat down and talked about?

I mean, most people's parents aren't even pressuring them to get married. Some

are, but most people probably aren't.

And yet still we have this internalized

pressure, especially women in their 20s and

early 30s. I remember having it and I, and I was lying

through my teeth. Did I love my boyfriend? Yes. Did I

want to get married? No. But I, I, I, I

didn't not want to. Like, I didn't know who I was. I remember

just feeling kind of sick when my friends would ask me

that question. And what I think is the most

wild thing about it is that how, how,

how, how, how, how do we decide

that? Be

married before we even have

an extraordinarily healthy relationship. And

without the three things I'm talking about today, I don't think you

can have an extraordinary healthy relationship.

So the fairy tale didn't consider you. Let's come back

to that. So there's no conversation

about getting to know who you are, getting to understand the

core of who you are, getting to understand the difference between your soul

and the wound. Wounded little girl. And when the wounded

little girl is in charge, which we all have one,

she's the one that gets hooked in. She's the one that wants the

next text message, the next day. That's anxious. Avoidance style is

a child. An avoidant

style is a teenager.

Both of them are wounded, younger,

fragmented parts of you and most

women and men, I would say, but I'm speaking mostly to women here.

Most women have that part of them choosing their relational

partner, choosing how fast the

relationship goes, choosing what they want even

before they attract a partner. That story of like, I just want to meet him,

where is he? It's like, how do you even know that's what you need?

One of the things we talked about on the starting over

weekend is, you know, even this idea of manifesting,

like, I think so many People's saboteurs are manifesting. They're like, I'm

gonna manifest love. I'm gonna manifest this thing. Like,

what if we really boil down again to where is that coming

from? For most people, it's coming from fear, right? It's coming from control.

I'm gonna use the universe. I'm gonna

control my reality. So I have the thing that I think that I want.

But my love, the thing that you're actually meant to

experience is far greater than the thing that you think that

you want. Because everything we think we want

and everything we think we are is the

program. Literally your whole entire

life, there has been a computer program that's just been

added to your whole life that this is who you

are, that this is what you're supposed to want, that this is who you're supposed

to be, that this is how women are, that this is like, you have

been deeply programmed, like a robot, to be a certain

way in life. Which is why, to me, it's such a flag when someone

says, I just want a relationship. Okay? If we dig

down deep enough. Why do you want a relationship? Is it because you feel lonely

or alone and you think that's going to negate that? That's going to

cancel out that feeling? Because I promise you, it won't. Wherever you go,

there you are. Right. I know a lot of married women who

actually feel lonelier than the single women

who at least have freedom. Right? So, like,

am I wanting this thing to make me feel better?

Right. Is there a part of me trying. It's like having a glass of wine

because you feel anxious or socially awkward or

overwhelmed and stressed. It's like, am I having this wine to make me

feel better, or am I actually genuinely connected to the

sensual, pleasurable experience of this glass of wine that pairs with

this meal? There's a big difference. Yes. One is

a heroin experience, really? And the other is, is your

wound taking the wheel and your saboteur coming up with a

strategy to try and numb pain. And we do that

with the fairy tale story. Now, if you

haven't gotten to know your own soul, which obviously the new Truth

podcast is all about that. I was like, we have, like,

300, and I should find out how many episodes were in season three. So I

don't know how many episodes. I still say we. I feel like Catherine's always

my. She's here in spirit. Not that she's. She's still here on

planet Earth, but she's no longer on the podcast,

but she's always a Part of it, to me, it's our. It's still ours in

my heart. But, you know, obviously the new truth

is all about getting to know your own soul. So if you are new to

the new truth or you're like, but how. I mean, go back and

explore some episodes. Come with me on a heroin journey. This is

what I do with women, is help them break free from all these scripted stories

of what we think is going to make us happy and feel better versus actually

waking up those repressed parts of you so you can have a life that you

love and you can feel amazing in your skin and connected

to who you really are. Like, that's what's available. But the

fairy tale doesn't consider you. We watch a little girl

in a tower. A little girl lost in a castle.

Rest. Rescued by her captor. Her captor. The, the,

the beast. Beauty and the Beast. We see a little girl in

a coma and the prince saves her by,

you know, it's always a, A, a girl being saved and

she's a princess, which means she's a girl, right? In all of

these stories, this is a girl. And the girl is waiting

for the prince to come along and rescue her, for the prince to come along

and make her feel beautiful and chosen amongst all

the other women for the prince to make her feel worthy and

lovable. And then they live happily ever after.

So nowhere in that story is there anything to do with

getting to know you. And if you are

getting into a relationship from that place, you

100% are getting into a saboteur relationship.

And you know, we, we can easily look around on

Instagram or you can look around to your friends and family and think that

so many people around you have the most amazing love. Actually, I'll tell a story.

This even happened to me a few years ago. I

had this couple that this woman I knew and I had met

her partner a few times and they ended up getting married and they

had such a beautiful relationship and they. From the outside and they were both

really spiritual and they did all these amazing things together. And I

saw their posts and I was so, so sparked by them

that there was so much energy in the photos. And both of them

had really beautiful energy when I met them in person.

And so I used to, back when I used to manifest.

So this would have been like. It was back when I was in Vancouver.

So it was at least over five, six years ago probably

I was inside of a relationship that was out of alignment and I, it

was, it was already coming to an end. And I. I

suppose my saboteur, which I didn't even realize at the time

was my saboteur, was looking around going, okay,

who are expander couples that I can. That I can look to?

And, you know, that's what I want. Like, they have emotional intimacy, they

have spiritual practices together, they have fun together. Like, and this

was. These were people I knew, but they didn't live in the same place as

me. So I wasn't witnessing their relationship. I just was

witnessing it online. You know, I had seen so many photos and. And

stories and them post things about each other. So I was witnessing their

dynamic online. And I was so. I was like,

so sparked by them. And I called them my expander couple. There's a woman

named Lacey Phillips who does. She has these. This amazing

library of meditations and manifestation, and that's her thing.

And I had done some manifestation

meditations with her, and she used the word expander, and she said,

look for expanders. So I would call them my

expander couple. And then turns out

about a year or two later, I find out

that they are divorced, that he was a

toxic narcissist, and that they had a really

painful relationship inside of that relationship that I saw

online. So what I learned from that experience

is even me, I've been teaching this for so long,

and, you know, I broke free, I'd say from fairy tale thinking around

love in my early 30s, when I left my perfect on

paper relationship with Charlie, who I thought I was going to marry,

but I was not feeling. It was not feeling right because I didn't know

my own soul, because I was doing it from the little girl. I didn't know

that at the time, but I thought I'd totally broken free.

And here I am. You know, this is. This would have been,

gosh, like 12 years later. Or not, maybe not

12, eight years later after leaving Charlie, that I had

this expander couple in mind and I knew nothing about their

relationship. So it just goes to show, you know, you can

look around you and think, wow, that I. I

want what they have, even your closest friends.

But let me tell you, my loves, unless the people inside

of the relationship, and. And even these people I'm talking about, they were like

coaches and healers and somatic practitioners. Like, they

had done a lot of healing. So even then,

there's still so much fantasy, right? And

we consume so much fantasy every single day.

So Catherine and I have talked about this before, kind of the fairy tale went

from being like, I want a knight in shining armor to

I want A conscious man who does breath work and ayahuasca

ceremonies in Peru. With me, like, it became this like new

fairy tale, new fantasy. And the reality is

that wounded little girl is always going to be looking for that

thing to rescue her. She's always going to.

And that wounded little girl, no matter how much healing you do,

the beauty of the expanded love method, which is my work that I

do with women, which is uncovering and identifying, learning about your

saboteur, who's protecting the wounded little girl and your heroine.

The beauty of it is you have such self awareness

that you can see and you learn that your saboteur and the

wounded little girl are always going to be there. I've been on this

journey for 20 years, still here to a degree.

However, my heroine is a lot stronger than

the wounded little girl and my saboteur. And for the most part, except

for that little sneaky experience with that couple, for the most part,

my heroine leads. And when the wounded little girl and saboteur show up,

I have practices, I have ways to connect, I have ways to work through it,

but I don't stay stuck in it for too long. That's the thing to

look forward to. Someone said to me the other day, oh, I hate that the

journey never ends. And it's like, no, it's such a good thing. You get to

discover more parts of yourself. You get to unlock more,

more desires and more, more aspects of you, more

gifts. We just keep growing in the most beautiful ways.

But the more, the deeper you go into your heroine, into your

sovereignty, into your soul, the stronger that part of you

gets. But in the beginning, that, this is where it's a little

bit uncomfortable. In the beginning, your saboteur is simply

just stronger, right? Your saboteur and the wounded little girl have just been

running the show for way longer. So in order

to let your heroine take charge, it takes a whole

lot of presence, consciousness, devotion

and commitment. In the beginning, I'd say in the first, like, gosh, for

me it was at least the first five, 10 years. It took so much like

practice, practice, practice, practice, practice. Until one day the heroine

becomes stronger and she starts to take the lead. Sometimes it's sooner.

I mean, in the work I do with women, quite often within

the first six months of us working together, their heroin becomes incredibly strong

and the saboteur becomes less strong.

So it's so powerful because you can then go

on dates, you know, get to know men or women

or whoever you're dating. You can, you can get into relationships, you can even

get married from your heroin and you can see clearly when it's

not your heroin because you know the difference in your body.

So. But most women are choosing love from this feeling, from

this story we've been fed. I just want the story. They

say, like, I just want the happily ever after. I just

want the beautiful wedding. I just want to have

that day to celebrate with all my friends and family. Okay, so for

really, like let's go back to the wedding. Why is it such a big production

then? Why do people spend so much money if it's really

about the love? Why is it such a big production where

everything has to be perfect and everything goes in the same

order at every wedding? And everything's so like it's scripted. That

is part of, and everyone says it was the best day of my life at

the end of the day and at the end of the wedding. And then what

happens if we look inside of their relationship for five, maybe 10 years down the

road, sometimes one year down the road, either they're divorced or they're not

having sex anymore, or they are having sex but

the woman is saying yes when it's actually a no just because she wants to

keep her husband, or they deeply resent each other

or they sweep things under the rug or someone's having an affair.

Like for so many relationships, that's what's happening. And

I'm just, I just listed a few problems, a few challenges that

occur. And the problem is not relationship. Like I hear people

say all the time, relationships are work, relationships are hard. It's

like the problem isn't the relationship. The problem is how we enter the relationship and

what part of us is in the relationship. If you do not

have a deep relationship with your wounded little girl and your saboteur

and you don't know how to let your heroine lead. And

it doesn't have to be like you can use the language of your soul, your

sovereignty. If you don't have that level of self

awareness, there will be a wounded child leading a relationship and that's where

your relationship's going to go. And then so many women wake up

because we feel way more like men. Well, first of all, there's countless

studies that men are happier married because usually women take care of them, take care

of everything and they, they feel more relaxed and taken care of. Whereas

women are burnt out and miserable and resentful because they're doing too much

self sacrificing and over functioning. So they're happier single. These are the

studies. But so many women,

because we are Way more attuned to our feelings. We

feel everything. So we're the ones crying in the closet five years

after the wedding or five minutes after the wedding, going, what

the fuck? I have everything I ever wanted. Why am

I not happy? This is the most common phrase I hear women

say in my work. Like, that's how they get to me,

is like, I have it all and I'm still not happy. And I share this

with the young, younger women who haven't married yet, who

are still in the fantasy story, who are still in the but where is

he? But I still want that. I want the picket fence. I want the whatever.

It's like you. The. The. The conditioning

runs so deep. You almost can't even tell a young woman that,

like, she has to walk through the fire, think, that's

the thing, wake up one day crying in her closet to realize

that's not the thing, that's not the answer. The answer is not outside of

herself. I think that's it. It's like trying to tell a teenager

to not, you know, try smoking or to not,

you know, whatever. Like trying to tell a teenager to not do

something that's bad, to not do drugs, to not party.

They have to go through the experience of partying their ass off and barfing

all night long and feeling horrible the next day to actually

learn the consequences of that. And unfortunately,

teenagers don't feel hangovers like adults do. So I think it takes

them a while to, like, really, really feel the

consequences. But that, like

telling a fantasy addict saboteur to stop

being in fantasy and to that. That that script

isn't real is so. So if you're a younger woman and you

haven't been married yet and you're still attached, that's why. Because

your teenage saboteur has to walk through it in order to

really get it. And that's okay. Like, there. There's no mistakes.

This isn't about, you know, the. The new truth journey isn't about doing anything

perfectly. I just am here to plant seeds, to share new

perspectives to help you see. And then one day you will. Even if it's

like a week before your wedding and you're like, oh, is that. Is this the

feeling where my anxiety's so high my gut is screaming

no. Is this the time where I say, where even though

we've, you know, so many people are involved, even though I'm going to let people

down, even though I'm going to lose a lot of money, even though people are

going to waste their gifts, their Time and their energy. I'm still going to

have the courage to say, this isn't for me. I'm calling this

wedding off. Like, maybe that was your initiation

into the queen that you are, right? Maybe that's your first step into coming

into your true power and sovereignty. So I'm not

here to stop you from quote unquote, making mistakes because there's no such thing.

Right? You're going to take a step and you're going to learn. And so often

the women I work with don't fully get something I'm teaching them and

then a year later they're like, oh my gosh, I get it, because I just

went through this experience and everything you said happened

and then I got it on a deeper level. So we do, we have to

learn through experience. So this is not to try and protect

you from making this mistake or choice, but just for you

to know. You know, the more you can be connected with your

sovereignty, the more you can be connected with your soul

and have a deeper, deep, loving relationship with the

wounded little girl and your saboteur. The more

likely or the more, the more you'll be set up for a

healthy, thriving relationship. So the first thing the fairy tale

didn't consider is you is any of that, right? Your

relationship with all of you. Your little girl, your

saboteur and your heroine, your sovereign woman

soul. So the second thing the fairy tale

didn't consider is the passivity that comes with

thinking that once I have that thing, then I'll be happy.

Right? So then they lived happily ever after.

We've heard that story a million times. You've heard that phrase a million

times. Then they lived happily ever after. And I hear women even say

it, oh, I'm not affected by the fairy tale story. And then, like, I just

want my happily ever after. Like, I just

want my happily ever after. There's no such thing.

There's no such thing as being happily ever after.

In fact, I feel sad when I hear that

phrase because it infers that there's

some destination for us to get to where we're just going to be happy in

every moment forever. Amen. And I think of the

absolute contrast

that we will experience in this human experience. Like, you can't

not, first of all, you cannot stick to even self aware,

conscious people who are sovereign and know their

saboteurs and know their heroines and heroes. You still

can't have two people living in a home together,

doing a relationship together, raising children together without

having conflict and challenge come up. It's not possible.

So it's not going to happen in a relationship ever,

because your stuff will get activated in relationship.

In fact, I think relationships are one of the greatest places to grow

because it's a mirror. I mean, even when I have a crush on someone,

it's. I love it because it's like, ooh, look at all

the patterns that just came up. Wow. Look at

the part of me that just wants to get. Get smaller and be sweet or

wants to people please or wants to control

the situation and make something happen. Like the

moment I have a crush on someone. And even though I'm so

much in my heroine now in my life, the moment I have a crush on

someone, all the patterns come up. It's like, whoa, so cool.

And I actually love seeing my patterns now.

And they don't, you know, it's, it's. They don't hijack me, but I can

see them. And I'm like, ooh, thank you for revealing yourself so I can grow

even more from this experience. So it's always an opportunity to

grow, but there is no relationship that's just going to be happily ever after. This

just not possible. You come from two different, you know, maybe

cultures, two different family systems with different traumas. You

come from different neighborhoods. You come from different social circles. You come from different

maybe age brackets. You come from like different sexes.

There's so many factors that will

cause two people to activate each other. And I

believe that's kind of the purpose of relationship is this

person activates our pleasure and our pain, which allows us

to grow so much more, even the pleasure, right? I can see where my

pleasure walls are. I can see where I'm uncomfortable fully

receiving and fully surrendering into this moment. And

a way that women are uncomfortable receiving is when your

fantasy addict, part of your saboteur is always in the future, that means you're

uncomfort receiving. Like, if we can't be present

fully with this experience and let it organically unfold,

there's a part of us that actually won't receive it. You're going to miss

it, right? And you're probably on some level,

whether it's probably unconscious, you're probably on

some level waiting,

wanting to receive this thing. But maybe you're afraid to

receive, right? Because if it's the little girl, if

it's the wounded little princess who's in this relationship wanting

this man to choose her, wanting this love, well, underneath

that, she doesn't believe she's worthy of love. That's why she's wanting a Man to

give her love or a woman, whoever you're into. It's like you

are waiting for that person to make you feel worthy, to make you feel

lovable, to make you feel chosen, to make you feel good enough. And if that

is where it's coming from, you will never feel it.

I remember being in a relationship in my early 20s. I had never

felt love like this. I'd never experienced a man love me so much. I was

living in Australia. I don't know if it's because I was foreign, I

was from a different country. He was so enamored by me

and it was such a beautiful experience. I still love and

adore him to this day. And I remember

feeling so special and so seen and so loved,

and yet still it never felt like enough. And the

reason it didn't feel like enough is because I didn't believe I was

enough. So even though he adored me, it never.

It was like a bottomless pit. Nothing he could ever give me would be

enough because I was trying to fill my not

enoughness from him. That's underneath the fairy tale

story. All of us trying to get the. To meet

the one. To meet our one great love. To meet like this

grandiose love story that we've been painted,

thinking once that love comes along, loneliness will not be

their. There are a lot of women lonely in relationships. As

I said earlier, that sadness won't be their bullshit. Anxiety won't be

their bullshit. Fear won't be their bullshit. Like all the things like the

story is, the safety is in this man coming and rescuing us on a

horse and sweeping us off our feet. But the reality is

we never feel safe. None of that ever goes away from

the love. And the love, we never feel safe with the love,

it's never enough because it's a little girl who

doesn't believe she's enough trying to get the love.

Here's the difference, my loves. When you are in your sovereignty,

when you are in your heroine, you do not need this

relationship. You do not need this marriage.

You do not need the big fancy wedding. You do not

need him to give you words. You don't need him to like, pour his love

language into you and make sure it's the right love language so you can receive

it. I mean, even that I'm. Maybe I'll do an episode on that.

Like, I think it's all, it's all we're all trying to

control. Like, okay, it's nice to know the words feel nice, but it's like,

what part of Me, I used to be obsessed with the love languages. I've never

said this out loud before. This is just coming through right now. I used to

be obsessed with the love languages, but when I was obsessed with

them, I was still very insecure, needing validation, needing words,

needing love. And now that I don't need them, I get

them all the time, but I don't need them. So it's like

there's. I. It's such a different feeling. And I'll get to it on the

last, the last point for what the fairy tale didn't consider.

But when you're in your sovereignty and you're dating, your

life is already full of love. You are full of

love, you are worthy. You have a life that lights

you up. You're connected to your gifts, you're confident, you know who you are, you're

fully expressed. This is the heroine. If you do not feel this

way, come work with me. I have amazing, amazing programs

both online and offline, one on one, and the

immersion and all sorts of things. But like, this is the most

important journey you could go on is getting a master's degree. That's what

it's equivalent to in your relationship with yourself. Because

when you're living from sovereignty, there is a fullness

inside of you already. So you can go on dates

and it's not so painful. It's only painful to date

because the little girl is dating and the saboteur. And the saboteur is like, well,

that guy's not the one. That guy's not the one. This guy's potential. But he's

not texting you back. It must mean you're too fat or you're not smart enough,

or you're not beautiful enough. Like your saboteur takes

over only because the wounded little girl is trying to get love from dating,

right? So dating is not painful when you're in your heroine. Nor is

marriage, nor is being in a long term relationship, nor is being

single. You actually just are you everywhere you

go. And when activations arise, you look in

the mirror and you work through them and you love yourself through them till you

come back to that sovereign place. And then you have

a conversation with your partner and then you grow and then you

deepen. It's a very, very different experience. I experienced it

in my last relationship that also lovingly ended with so

much love and consciousness. I mean, we talk all the time, we're still very dear

friends. But so much more is possible when you're in your

sovereignty, because you're not. You're not wound. It's not a wounded part of

you. And you know, I think of the weekend,

the weekend with the women I just did starting over.

When we're talking about sovereignty, so many women are like, but how do I find

my heroine? It's like the beauty of this journey is you don't

have to find her. She's already inside. She's the one that's

screamed no on your wedding day when your saboteur's like, we gotta go through with

it because look at all those people and they're gonna be disappointed and we're gonna

waste money and people will be mad at us, so we gotta go through with

with it. Like, do you know how common that story

is? That is insane. Like, we must

absolutely lie to everyone in our lives and lie to every.

Like lie everywhere so that we don't get found

out. So that people don't get mad at us, people don't judge us.

It's like everybody else has their own life. Let

people judge you, let people be mad at you, Let people think

you're crazy. Their life is not your life. Your life is

your own. And to make decisions, going against

your heroine, she's always inside of you. So if you have anxiety

on a regular basis, chances are most likely you're going

against your truth in many ways. Probably in many ways.

Most women are doing it in so many ways. Like you're eating food that don't

feel good to your body. You're saying yes to things that don't feel good. You're

in friendships that you're, that you've totally outgrown, that are no longer aligned. You're in

a job that sucks the life out of your soul. You're treated like shit in

different relational dynamics and it's the wounded little girl still stuck in them.

You're like, it's endless, right? But most people

are loving from this place, are in relationship, are

living from this place. So number one, the fairy tale didn't consider

you, your relationship with yourself, your sovereignty and how to

actually have a healthy relationship is to have be living from that

rooted self worth, sovereign place that most women

aren't. Number two is destination. Thinking

like I. Happily ever after is what I talked about because it's

passive. If I think I'm just going to get to a destination and be good,

like, first of all, that's not possible. Second of all, it's

passive. Like how passive? I'm just going to arrive. That's

why people become so passive in relationship. They sign the contract,

they sign the Marriage contract. They do the thing, they do the song and

dance, whatever, and they're like, okay, now that. That area of my life

sorted. I've heard women say this so many times. That tick that box,

that sorted. Now I'm going to focus on my career. I'm sorry. Life is not

so compartmentalized. If your life is compartmentalized like that, you're living from a

script. You're not actually experiencing your life

because there is no destination

and nothing is just sorted. Your relationship is a

living, breathing thing. You are a living, breathing

thing. And if you don't know how to tend to both, your

own heart, your own truths, your own feelings, your partner's heart, their

truths, their feelings, your. Your relationship, the union, how to feed

it, how to have honest conversations, how to keep

staying connected, how to keep deepening in intimacy and

growing through challenge and conflict. If you don't know how to do that,

then your relationship will be dead. And this is why people stop having sex.

That's why people stop having sex in relationship or stop having good

sex or. It's, like, so good in the beginning because you're all high on fantasy,

and then later you're, like, loathing the person because you have

all this animosity, all this resentment, all this stuff between

you because you thought you were going to live happily ever after and check a

box and your relationship would be good. That is what kills a

relationship. Your relationship is a living, breathing thing. You have

to tend to it, and you have to tend to your relationship with yourself first

and foremost. So the last thing the

fairy tale didn't consider, and this is, this one is so

important, is Soul

Expansive Love. The Expanded

Love method is my work in the world. And,

you know, I think when I started this podcast, I don't even know

if I believed in love to the degree that I do now.

But I think a lot of women hear

this message and they think it means they have to give up on love

and that, you know, okay, so then I just have to be an independent woman

who takes care of herself and loves herself, and then I won't need love. And

then I'm just, like, giving up on that dream altogether. This is so common that

I hear this, and that's actually quite the opposite of what this

is. When you are loving from your saboteur and

your little girl, you are going to attract toxic relational patterns and

dynamics that match your saboteur. Right? Like

all the women that are like, I'm breaking free from a narcissistic, abusive

relationship, which is one of the most common things talked about right now

in the relational space. The only reason

anyone is in a relationship with a narcissist is because they are a fantasy

addict and a self sacrificer and a shapeshifter. If you

did not, if you were not in your saboteur and you were in your

sovereign woman, in your heroine, you would not attract

that, not even for a second, you would not be compatible with that.

So either you're dating from your saboteur and your little girl, which

means you're going to be compatible with someone else's saboteur and their little boy

or little girl, or you are dating

from the sovereign woman, from the heroine, and then you are going to be

compatible with someone who's also sovereign. A

sovereign king, I would like to call it. So it's

not that love doesn't exist and you have to give up on love. In

fact, I believe the love you'll experience is far greater

than any love you could fathom. But here's the

difference. When you are in your heroine, when you are

in your sovereign woman, you will

attract a partner who meets you with the woman that

you are and where you're coming from in yourself.

So I think of the men that I meet now in my life match

the heroine that I am, not my saboteur. And I feel

so met and I feel so seen. And there's

no part of me that's like, I need you. Well, okay, that's not true. That's.

There's a little part, like I said, when I have a crush on someone, like,

the little girl might be there and I can tend to her and love her.

She's not the one dating. She's not the one getting to know the person.

The expanded love that you get to experience far

surpasses any, any little girl. Princess,

rescue me in the tower. Let's get married. Let's rush through this

whole thing, sweep me off my feet, save me, and let's rush to the

finish line together. Like, that is

empty. You know, you might get like hits of high. It's like dopamine

hits, right? It's like doing drugs versus meditating.

Like, you do drugs, you get, okay, sure, you get dopamine hits, but then you

feel like you want to die after versus, like years of meditating and going

deeper and deeper and deep into that space inside of yourself. I

have psychedelic experiences meditating all the time, but it

only expands me, it doesn't deplete me. That's expanded

love. And, you know, I think of my life there's so much expanded

love everywhere. I have love everywhere. I'm. I have the most meaningful,

deep, intimate relationships. I meet the most expansive people.

And every day in Kenya, I can't even believe the souls that I'm meeting.

That so amazing. And there's such a beautiful

connection, and it's so different to what I used to

attract when I was in my saboteur. But the soul

love, of course we have soul mates. In fact, I

believe when you're a mate to your own soul, meaning your

devotion is to you and to living from your heart and living from your

soul and honoring yourself and loving yourself and treating

yourself with. With love and surrounding yourself with people

and places and experiences that feel so nourishing to be around.

When that is your path, you will attract all of your

soulmates. And I don't think there's just one. And I'm not talking romantic,

but of course we're meant to experience soulmate love.

But soulmate love is not graspy. It's not

needy. It's not, oh, my God, I feel so good when you're here and so

bad when you're not. That's a drug addiction. Soulmate

love is just. I'm living and

breathing and being and expressing from my soul.

And now I'm looking at someone who's a man

who is living or a woman. Like, again, fill in the blank,

who is living and breathing and expressing from

their soul. And wow, our souls are a match. And

wow, this feels amazing. It's the feeling of being

met by someone. It's like you're.

There's an equalness. And I don't mean like in the traditional sense of like the

word equality. It's energy. There's an

energy match because neither of you are vampires trying

to siphon something from each other. Neither of you are in a

fantasy thinking somebody else is responsible for how I feel.

I need to get this thing from them. And the moment they stop being my

source, I'm going to get mad at them and I'm going to be resentful and

bitter that they're no longer my source. That's saboteur love.

That's little girl extractive love. Real

soul love is the feeling of being met. And when you're a

soulmate, when you're a mate to your own soul, we get to experience that in

so many forms. So when the romantic one comes along,

it's less jarring,

it's not so dramatic. It's just beautiful.

And, you know, I have experienced it, and it's like the most beautiful

thing and the most satiating feeling and the most

incredible energy. But it's not.

It's not something that you need to have to feel good, because you already feel

good from this place. You have

way more potential to have a healthy, thriving relationship

because there's two sovereign souls who are connected to their souls,

who are fully alive, who are fully responsible for themselves.

And then they come together and they relate. And when the mirror comes up and

all your stuff arises, it's your job to know how to be in

relationship with all of your pain and all of your insecurities that

arise when the relationship mirrors

that to you, because it always does. Whether you're dating, you have a crush

on someone, or that you're friends with them and you're getting to know them, or

you're in a relationship or you're married. Like you will. Your stuff

will arise. But just know if you're in relationship to your

feelings, to that little wounded little girl, if you know how to hold her and

love her through it. Now those triggers become

a massive opportunity to deepen more into your heroine, to

expand your life more, and to deepen an intimacy with your partner.

So it's not that love is impossible. Expanded love is. Is so

possible. Soul expansive soulmate love

is so possible, but it doesn't come from the wounded little girl

in the fantasy story of being swept off your feet, having one person forever and

ever, and you just get the picket fence and then you're good. You have the

big production of a wedding and then you're good. It's so much deeper than that.

So hopefully this episode served you. Please

share it with every woman you know who needs to hear this message

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you next week.