…yes, thank you, I remember. The new broadcast system.

Honestly. So primitive. A microphone. What was wrong with the direct cerebral link..?

Good morning, Evildoers. Time for another productive day at Global Synergy Amalgamated! This is Winifred from HR with your daily announcements, coming to you from our shiny new broadcast booth.

I know. It’ll take some getting used to. But change is healthy. Keeps us from becoming stagnant — with all apologies to Dona, VP of Sludge, and our other esteemed bog witches. You know I love you, ladies!

Well. Best get on with it, mm? What’s first in the queue today. Oh! This is exciting. Today we’re opening registration for our Evil Monologue Workshop!

This is of course hugely popular every year, and for good reason. Mastering the art of the evil monologue without letting some tedious little “hero” type get the better of you is an important part of well-rounded villainy.

Now, this is a working session, so come prepared. We’ll of course provide coffee, water, and O negative, and lunch will be catered by our friends at Donner Party Planning. I just love their sandwiches.

Y’know, since Donner Party Planning is catering the event, let’s take a listen to one of their messages, mm?

Well I dunno about you, but I’m getting hungry!

This year, the workshop will take place in the Countess Karnstein Memorial Auditorium. Madame Madness will be leading the session — some of you may remember her from her presentation “Blow It Up, Burn It Down: Disproportionate Response and Your Personal Evil Journey.” That was a popular one.

She’s been kind enough to give us a little sneak peek of the topics under discussion, so you can arrive ready to work on your best monologue yet!

First, she’ll be covering various types of villains, so you can customize your monologue to your strengths and your audience. Are you a megalomaniac? A ravenous revenant? An evil engineer? Or maybe you’re the haunted villain with the tragic backstory. That one’s a perennial favorite. Very popular with the … what’s the phrase? The girls, the gays, and the theys? I swear, TikTok has been one of our most successful endeavors.

Next, she’ll be discussing tone and language. What’s your emotional through-line? How will you use rhetorical devices like repetition, irony, and metaphor? And of course, those techniques need to be tailored to the situation. A stand-off with guns drawn requires different choices than a scenario when you have them chained to the wall in a dungeon. Like everything else, it all comes back to location, location, location.

And, of course, she’ll cover ending with impact. A great villainous monologue should leave a lasting impression — very important to nail that final line before unleashing the hounds or pulling the lever for the trapdoor.

All rightie. One more important note before I let you go.

We will be flushing the secondary volcano vent at HQ today. Anyone in sectors V1 through V6 should know where their gas masks are and be prepared to deploy any necessary safety devices.

And really, you should all know where the basic safety equipment is at all times. Gas masks, exorcism kits, ibuprofen. We’re evil, not stupid.

Well that’s everything for this morning. Go on out there be your worst self today! Bye-bye now!