Heather Shannon (00:03.586)

I am coming to you with one of my favorite topics today. So we are going to talk about mental foreplay. So I gave myself some rules when I was coming up with what we're going to talk about today. None of the things I'm going to mention are going to involve touch. So when I say mental foreplay, it's getting in the mood without there being touch involved. I feel that this is the missing link in a lot of people's approaches to sex. And I don't feel like

It's necessarily talked about enough in the field of sex therapy and sex education. So let me know what you guys think of this episode, if it lands for you guys. All right. So what I want people to do when they're listening to this is just to start to notice what resonates with you, what seems true about your partner if you are partnered. So ask yourself, what does turn me on? Is that a thing?

Could it maybe be a thing? And I just haven't ever realized it before. I also want to say, you know, this is one podcast episode. We're not going to cover every single possible thing that can help get you in the mood without physical touch. But I think we're going to cover a lot of them. So stay tuned. OK, so the first one I want to get into, and I've kind of categorized these. So we have six categories. Each category is going to have several things that fall under it.

So one category of getting in the mood is someone being sweet to you, right? It's just like really basic. Be nice, have other people be nice to you, tends to lead to more sex, tends to lead to getting more in the mood. Couple things that fall under this. This is where we would find the love languages by and large. So if you are someone who's doing acts of service,

If you are somebody who's good at words, if you are somebody who even is a great listener, is very non-judgmental, if you're planning ahead and anticipating your... That's my kitten running around in the background in case you're wondering. If you're planning ahead and anticipating somebody's needs or if somebody's doing that for you, oftentimes that just makes us want to be closer to someone. And what I've learned through my work with my clients...

Heather Shannon (02:23.146)

is that just that feeling of feeling cared for and wanting the emotional closeness is often the kicking off point for something to turn sexual. Because how do we express closeness? Sometimes through physicality, right? And so it might be like, I just like love that you made dinner for me when I came home from work. You knew I had a really busy day and come here. I want to hold you. I want to cuddle you. It could be.

Noticing that your partner looks great that day giving them compliments that might bring them closer It could be you're receiving the compliments and you're like, I feel so special. I noticed that one for myself I noticed that feeling special feeling seen feeling noticed in a favorable way Makes me feel like okay. Maybe I want to be around this person more right and so we're we're basically just noticing if you are

making your partner feel special. If you are being sweet to them, they're probably going to want to be around you and vice versa. If they're making you feel special, if they're getting your oil change done for you, if they are really just holding space for you and listening and you're feeling seen, I think that's a big one. So this category is about sweetness. It's really about emotional intimacy. It's about

feeling secure in the relationship, like this is someone I want to be around on a day-to-day basis. This is somebody who brings out the best in me. Because when somebody else is seeing us in a favorable light, it helps us see ourselves in a favorable light. Which I do think that seeing ourselves in a favorable light is really what it comes down to sometimes. But having this other person that we're in relationship with can really help us to do that.

We see ourselves through their eyes, which is nice sometimes, right? We can be hard on ourselves. So I think that's important to have from other people. I wanted to give some examples too of like planning ahead and anticipating needs. I think this is an underrated one that I don't hear enough of, but when done well, so, so effective. Once again, that's my kitten making all the noise. Sorry for that. So example could be,

Heather Shannon (04:44.93)

Maybe you're going on a trip and maybe your partner is gluten free like me and you take the time to identify what are some gluten free restaurants where we're going so my partner doesn't have to stress about that. And then they're seen. They're like, wow, you took off some of my mental burden. You took off some of my load by thinking ahead and considering me. And I think this is important because

At end of the day, we all have to take care of ourselves. We all have our own interests. We all have our own goals. And life is busy and life is full. And I think we all know that. We can't expect everyone else to cater to us every moment. So when someone does, it's pretty exciting. It's like, wow, you're so busy and you have all your own stuff going on. And you took this time out just to be thoughtful and considerate towards me. So I'm emphasizing that because I want to remind you guys how

A little bit of effort in that direction can go a long way with helping with the mental form. Okay. So next category, someone being good at something. And this is broad, right? So someone could be good at athletics. Somebody could be good. Felix. Felix is knocking over lots of things, you guys. Someone could be very smart and just figure things out or...

be really into learning and have a lot of intellectual curiosity. Somebody could be really good with other people. So maybe you're at a party with your coworkers. Maybe it's like a company party and you bring this person around who you're married to or dating or somehow connected to. And you're like, wow, they're making me look good. Like they are so good at kind of making friends quickly, at being likable and getting people to like them.

They understand kind of how people work, maybe they're a little intuitive with other people, and that can be really appealing and attractive. So I know my aunt was in the finance industry, and my uncle is very good with people. And so she would just love being able to entertain clients and have him around and know that everyone's going to have fun, everyone's going to have a good time. So when we're really seeing our partner in that favorable light and we're seeing their best

Heather Shannon (07:06.254)

qualities that's hot. And I think at the end of the day, this is about, it's about social value to some degree, and we're all going to have different opinions on what we value, right? And so that's why it might show up as we're valuing creativity. If we have a partner who's really good at writing or art or music or comedy, that might be the turn on. So each of us is going to maybe care more about different

categories that our partner might be talented in and There's not a right or wrong here. You might also feel like Hey, my partner's just really good at their job. They're they're really good at bringing home the bacon They're really good at entrepreneurship or investing and like creating this financial stability for us, right? So there's so many ways that we can add value I've also noticed even just I'm sure a lot of you have noticed if you go to the gym

there might just be someone where like, wow, like that they're so good at working out and they're the physical prowess could be what is exciting or just watching their muscles move while they're lifting weights or something. So again, many different directions this can go in, but the tendency is this we're perceiving this person is high value, right? There's something about them. There's something they're really good at that we're perceiving them as high value and

because we're only human, tend to want to be associated with people that we perceive as high value. Now, the rest of the world might not perceive them as high value. Maybe we're like, hey, they're so spiritual and that's what we value and other people might be like, who cares? But it's what you perceive. So that's the key here. And I think this is also worth identifying, what are you really good at? Or what might someone else, sometimes we're not good at answering that ourselves, but what might someone else think you're good at? What have other people told you you're good at?

And like lean into that a little bit, because I think we also get a confidence boost from that. But I think there's something also here with other people taking note of our partner. And I think this is something that creates a lot of anticipation and attraction and sexual heat in the swinger community too.

Heather Shannon (09:26.774)

It's when other people take notice of our partner being good at something, being sexy, looking great, being athletic, being talented, being successful, being great with people. And we're like, I've been with this person for like 15 years and I kind of forgot that they're all that in a bag of chips. And now that I'm seeing other people taking note, it's like, yeah, yeah. And I get to go home with this person and you don't have to be a swinger to experience that. But I think that is a lot of what creates

some sexiness in the the swinger community as well and why that does work for some couples Okay, so next category laughter and fun so this has been what I've really learned from clients a lot, you know is we sometimes think of sex and sexiness as intense and hot and steamy and yes absolutely however Laughter and fun can often be what get us there

because this is a category, I think, that's really helpful with switching us out of fight or flight mode and into rest and digest mode. Because when we are working and we're hustling and we're trying to keep up with the household and we might be trying to keep up with kids or aging parents, and it can just be a lot. It could be like, my God, you know, I forget, did I give my cat his diabetes injection, his insulin injection?

I don't know. I know I fed him. I know I gave him water. And then I'm like, no, my terrible pet parent. So we all have these things during the day of like, my room is a mess. Or I forgot that I just like threw everything on the floor, didn't fold the laundry or, you know, I was supposed to like go get a key made for the babysitter or whatever it is. We all have these things where it's like there shoulds and supposed tos and what we could have done better and all these little pressures that really add up.

And when we're able to really take a step out of that, it doesn't mean we've finished all of it. Usually that list of the shoulds and the need to do's is never zero. But if we can just put it aside and go have some fun, that goes a long way towards sex mode. Because one, it's helping us get out of our head. It helps us get some endorphins going. So I've mentioned to you guys I do improv. So that's a really nice outlet for me.

Heather Shannon (11:55.769)

to kind of get out of work mode and into fun mode and creativity mode. So figure out what is that for you, right? Is it going to a comedy show? Is it music and concerts? know, like, hey, we have some artists we really like to see, or we just like live music. It helps us connect. It's something that we can enjoy together. That's a big piece of it, too. Maybe it's taking cooking classes, which has the added benefit of being sensual, right?

There's textures and colors and flavors and we're moving and we're doing things and we're really in our body and we're sharing it with each other. So all of these things are helping us get out of our head in a stressful way. They're often helping us get in touch with our senses and they're helping us get out of fight or flight and they're helping us connect with each other because we're doing it together. That's the key. And there's some research too with novelty, right? So if we're

just kind of doing the boring day-to-day stuff, it does feel mundane after a while. There's an element of us where we like some predictability sometimes. We like some routine. But if it gets too routine, then it's kind of like, OK. Well, I don't know. We just live together. And we clean the house and look after the kid and pay our bills. It's like, where's the sexiness? So we do have to be intentional and nurture our relationships.

which doesn't have to feel like work. can feel fun. It can feel really rewarding. But there is some effort involved, right? So bringing some novelty, going on some dates, and being a little silly or playful. So I would also put, doesn't always have to be dates. You can also just bring some silly and some playful and some laughter into your life at home. So maybe it's some light teasing, right? We want to be mindful of the flirt to roast ratio. We don't want to just go full on,

making fun of our partner and picking them apart or pushing their buttons in a mean way. But some light teasing, some flirting. You can do some karaoke at home, dancing in the kitchen, watch a funny movie, play some board games. And this is just going to start bringing in a different energy into your household. Because I've noticed even just visiting different people's homes or staying with

Heather Shannon (14:21.272)

people with friends for a day or two here or there, it makes a big difference, right? Some people, can feel like there's sort of a heavy energy in the household. Other people, it's going to be a much lighter, more playful energy. So be intentional about that. What kind of energy do we want in our household, and how do we create that? But I find that to be very bonding, that when people are laughing together, they tend to be having more regular sex and better sexual connection. OK.

Next category, getting physical and working out. This is a big one for a lot of people. So first of all, there is the physiological element here, where just getting the blood pumping will make you more likely to be turned on, right? So if somebody is sedentary versus if somebody's working out five days a week, who's going to have better blood circulation? And it sounds like so nerdy and boring and technical, feel like, but it is a real thing.

And it's also reducing inflammation in our body. And I may have shared this before, but I had a client who went on the keto diet, which I'm not promoting. But for him, that reduced inflammation in his body. He started having nighttime erections again. So better blood flow, better erections, less inflammation. That's what worked for him. Exercise, I feel like, is something I can recommend for pretty much everybody, unless your doctor has said not to or you're injured or dealing with a disability. But often, there's something we can do.

I notice and I've noticed with myself, it's like, oh, I tore my ACL or oh, sprained my ankle or whatever it is that's happened. It's like, oh, well, I can't work out. And it's like, well, maybe you can't go running, but could you do some sit ups or could you do some bicep curls or something? Yeah, so I think it's important to focus on what can you do here, even if there is some kind of limitation.

So we're getting the blood pumping. think working out also tends to create a lot of confidence in our bodies. And when I've worked with clients dealing with body image issues, oftentimes they're like, I gotta get back to the gym. I gotta lose weight. And two weeks in, they'll be like, well, I don't think I lost any weight, but I have been going to the gym and I do feel better about myself. So I do think there's an element of just showing up for our body, seeing what our body is capable of, experiencing progress.

Heather Shannon (16:39.117)

So maybe it's like, oh, well, I was only walking at like 3.0 on the treadmill, but now I'm up to 3.5. Or was only using like eight pound dumbbells, and now I'm using 12 pound dumbbells. Or I was only benching 100, now I'm benching 200. Who knows? So wherever you're starting, I think there's a confidence boost with seeing progress and with showing up for yourself. And then after we work out, we often shower. That's the other piece.

So there's the sensory awareness of showering, of feeling clean. There's the feeling of the water getting naked in the shower. So that also alleviates a lot of obstacles for people. It's just feeling like they're clean and they're therefore more ready to engage in sex. Plus, they've got the blood pumping. So if you were not motivated to work out for other reasons, maybe your sex life will be the motivation that you need.

Okay, and then the next category is grooming and style. And this is an interesting one because so often we just decide like, well, I'm not attractive or I'm just like not that great looking of a person. And what I have noticed is that it's actually a lot less about just like the natural genetics you were given in terms of how society perceives attractiveness. And I actually confirmed this with AI recently.

And it was saying that, in the US about 70 % of attractiveness is based on things that are in our control. So getting your hair done, grooming yourself while taking care of your skin, putting on a flattering outfit, figuring out what colors you look good in, makes a really big difference. And we did have an episode early on with Kimmy Seltzer where we talked about kind of confidence in style from the outside in. And this is something I noticed for myself.

where I might feel like, don't really want to go out, or I'm just feeling bloated and not that cute, or whatever. And once I put on a cute outfit and do my hair a little bit and put on a little bit of makeup, it's like, I do kind of feel like going out now. And so just seeing how that can change your mood, how that can change how you feel about yourself.

Heather Shannon (19:03.189)

I think is important because we can do a lot of emotional work on ourselves to accept ourselves unconditionally, which I am 100 % behind that still. But I do think working it from multiple angles is also important. And to be just like fully honest, this is going to be a faster path to feeling better about yourself. The emotional work does take longer typically, right? So figuring out for you, like what does that mean? Is it trimming your beard? Is it getting a new button down shirt? Is it?

buying a dress, is it some new accessories, is it a bolder lip color, is it trying a different hairstyle? All of that can really shift our energy in a way that makes us feel more likely to initiate, more confident, less afraid of rejection, more open and receptive to somebody flirting or initiating with us. And so therefore, great mental foreplay. OK.

Last category, and I think this one is important, it's actually when our partner is not fully available to us, right? So if somebody is bringing this puppy dog energy and we've got a lot of that sweetness I talked about in the first category, someone's being really sweet to us, we feel emotionally secure, they're a wonderful person, they're enhancing our life in general.

but there might be no sexual tension. If they are fully available to us, kind of a puppy dog.

that might not be something we're super into. I think what happens with that is almost they're putting themselves a little bit below us in terms of the social value. So we're kind of almost more in a power position or on a pedestal. Our partner is like, I'm at your beck and call, and we'll do whatever, and I'm always available. We lose attraction. So when our partner is kind of like, well, actually,

Heather Shannon (21:09.741)

I'm going to go to my basketball league or well actually I'm going to go to my Pilates class or my art class or I'm just going to take some time in my office to do my writing. That's really appealing, right? We actually like not being someone's whole world.

Right? Because that's what attracts us to that, usually, at the beginning, is all those other categories.

Okay. Excuse me, need a little water there. So we want to see what you're good at. We want to see you putting effort into putting your best foot forward in terms of your physical appearance. We want to have fun with you and be engaged. And we want to also take care of ourselves, right? But at the end of the day, we do actually want you to not be fully available. And this is something Esther Perel talks about and explains really beautifully.

There's that tension between wanting the novelty and you to have your own life and that space, that little bit of distance where it's like we want to bridge the distance. And that's where the sexual attraction and the sexual tension can come in. And if we're not leaving any space, then we only have the affection and the coziness, which we still want, but without the sexual tension. So I'm curious which ones of these

resonated most with you guys, feel free to shoot me an email at askasextherapistpodcast.com and let me know. And we are going through some shifts with the podcast. So my YouTube people, stay tuned. We will be getting back to doing the video episodes there. And everybody else, thank you so much for supporting the show. And we've been getting your survey results. So those are going to be incorporated soon. Thank you, everybody who's completed that. That's been amazing.

Heather Shannon (23:10.267)

and we will catch you next week with an amazing guest episode. Bye everybody.