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Gift biz unwrapped,

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episode 232 if you're in the eye,

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we evaluated to see whether or not it's a legitimate threat

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and then we give it a high five and keep walking

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Attention. Gifters,

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bakers, crafters,

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and makers pursuing your dream can be fun.

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Whether you have an established business or looking to start one

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now you are in the right place.

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This is gift to biz on rapt helping you turn your

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skill into a flourishing business.

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Join us for an episode packed full of invaluable guidance,

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resources, and the support you need to grow your gift biz.

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Here is your host gift biz gal,

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Sue moon Heights.

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Hi there,

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it's Sue.

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And can I just say you are in for a special

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treat today.

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This is a powerful episode that can guide how you communicate

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with others moving forward.

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I'm being dramatic on purpose because I believe it to be

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just that important.

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But before we get into this though,

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a quick message to let you know that there's still a

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little bit of time to sign up for my masterclass.

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It's already in progress,

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but if you're listening to this show right as it's been

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released, you can still sign up for one of the two

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final classes that are happening this week.

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The program is completely free and it's specifically for those of

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you in the beginning stages of your business development or if

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you're just now considering a business from your handmade products.

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When you attend this online class,

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you'll learn the single biggest thing people miss when they start

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their business.

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Four critical elements to include when you're pricing your product,

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how to attract customers and the secret to attracting loyal customers

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who will buy from you again and again.

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The exciting news is the category of handmade small business is

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steadily growing as the big box stores are seeing declines.

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We get into this too all in the masterclass.

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To join us,

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go to gift biz,

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unwrapped.com forward slash masterclass and select one of the two dates

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that are still available this week.

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That's gift biz unwrapped.com

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forward slash masterclass don't delay because the last class is this

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Thursday. Now about today's show.

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It's inevitable in life that there are going to be times

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when you need to have a conversation with your spouse,

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partner, or a friend about a serious topic.

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It may be uncomfortable or challenging and you're just not sure

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how it's going to be received.

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Wouldn't it be great to have some structure around how to

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handle these discussions and know what to do based on the

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different types of reactions you might receive?

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You may be in this place,

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right thinking of telling your spouse that you want to open

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your own business and what it will entail in terms of

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an investment or possibly quitting your nine to five.

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In this episode,

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you're going to learn the four steps to manage the conversation

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in the most respectful and caring way and what to do

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next. Based on the three potential responses you'll receive,

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you'll be able to apply this process to any important topic

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that arises in your life.

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I can't wait for you to hear all about it.

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It is my pleasure to introduce you to a very special

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person with a very special topic.

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It's my pleasure to introduce you to Anna Osborne.

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She's the owner of life unscripted counseling and host of the

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her life unscripted podcast where she focuses on reconnecting couples and

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inspiring individuals.

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She helps couples and individuals to improve communication,

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deepen intimacy,

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and change negative patterns of disconnection in their love relationships and

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also works with entrepreneurial woman to inspire and motivate them to

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step fully into their voice and live their lives out loud.

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She believes that your primary relationship can be your greatest tool

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or greatest barrier to success.

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Anna, welcome to the gift biz unwrapped podcast.

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Thank you,

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Sue. I'm so delighted to be here.

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I am too,

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and we're going to dive right in with my traditional introductory

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question and that is to have you describe yourself as if

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you were a motivational candle.

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So if you were to pick a color and a quote

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that created a candle,

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that is totally you.

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Anna, what would your motivational candle look like?

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Yes. I'm so excited by this question.

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I would be that really cool.

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Emeril, the green is what the color I would be and

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the quote would be sexually.

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I got it from a John Maxwell book and it says,

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how far can I go?

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And that's honestly a question that I ask myself a lot

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of times when I'm in that place of fear or overwhelm,

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especially around home life or business growth and just asking this

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question of how far can I go and using it to

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really combat those self limiting beliefs and that kind of like

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doubt monster some sometimes can really take over.

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I love those words doubt monster because you always hear imposter

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syndrome, right?

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I never heard this before and when you said it,

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what it brought to me right away was the thought that

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we're in total control of how far we go.

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We often think that other people put limits on us,

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but I think it's ourselves who are limiting our own growth.

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What do you think about that?

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I totally agree.

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Yeah. I mean other people definitely can project their stories on

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to us and put limits on us,

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but the limits that we put on ourselves are far greater,

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more intense,

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and they are just so warped in ways these ways that

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we get in play small or keep ourselves small because we

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let fear make decisions for us.

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I tell my kids this all the time is that we

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look fear in the eye.

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We evaluated to see whether or not it's a legitimate threat

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and then we give it a high five and keep walking.

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There you go.

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You like that?

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I liked that a lot and I have to say I

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think this is going to get to be a deep conversation,

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Anna. As I start working with more and more people and

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I'm guilty of it myself,

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so I'm not preaching,

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I'm agreeing and I'm actually putting myself in the circle with

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everybody else.

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We often think that our ability to progress is limited by

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outside factors.

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When I really think the biggest barrier we have sits right

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inside ourself.

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We have everything we need,

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but we don't realize,

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recognize or have the courage sometimes to access it.

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Yeah, and I think That what really is hard to,

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and cause I'm in that bucket too,

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right, is what's really difficult is that when we realize that

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we are the greatest ones that hold ourselves back,

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the power of that,

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that sometimes can be so overwhelming that we want to place

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it on something that's external.

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Because when we really recognize that our ability to step into

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our voice,

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step into our power to not fit the mold of somebody

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else's story onto us,

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that that can be so overwhelming that we want to go

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back to playing small.

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But once we are aware of our power,

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you can't ever unknow that.

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I think of it like,

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I call it my hot dog analogy where essentially you can

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enjoy a hot dog.

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You can have one at a 4th of July barbecue or

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kids' backyard barbecue,

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things like that.

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But once you read the ingredients of what's actually in a

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hot dog,

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you can still have one but you never enjoy it quite

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the same because you kind of know what's in there.

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And awareness is this the same way as once we know

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something and that deep gut intuitive knowing way we can never

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unknow it about ourselves.

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And so when we see ourselves fully in our passion fully

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in our creative,

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fully in our power,

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we can have a run from that or unknowing.

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And I really do believe that the more we become comfortable

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with that full version of ourselves,

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the more we crave it.

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We're overwhelmed by it,

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but it's an exhilarating overwhelm and that is a process to

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more into that and kind of tread these ideas of who

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we thought we were supposed to be in a smaller way

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and who people needed us to be in that smaller way.

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Yes, I agree with you,

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but I have to say I am one who doesn't really

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want to know what's inside that hotdog because when I have

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them, I want to love them.

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Right. I'm with you a hundred percent don't show me the

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ingredients. I'm just better not knowing.

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Yes, I don't have hot dogs enough to worry,

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but I really want to enjoy them when I do.

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Yes, and I think also when you recognize this,

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the more serious side,

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when you get comfortable with this and you think that you

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can be in total control of what's going to happen next

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for you,

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it's so empowering and so exciting when you really think of

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the possibilities that do exist.

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And we're going to get into all of this.

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I know,

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but before we do,

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can you share with us a little bit about how you

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decided that this is where you are going to place your

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energies and your focus for your career?

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Yeah. I,

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I actually,

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I was premed when I started my undergrad and I was

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very much the science and the just the facts and I

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took a random psychology class.

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I was required to take it and I was at the

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university of Arizona,

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so it's five,

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600 people in lecture halls and I'm just walking in with

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my sophomore pissy attitude and I'm sitting in that class and

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the very,

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very, very back of the class and the professor started speaking

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and all of a sudden it's like the whole world shrunk

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down to just her and I having a conversation and she

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was speaking a language that I thought everybody looked at the

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world through this lens.

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Like I thought that was just how people saw the world

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through that interconnectedness and that relational component and being able to

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see things in a million different shades of gray.

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And I didn't realize that that wasn't something everybody experienced.

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And I remember where I went home and I called my

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parents and I said,

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I'm changing my major to psychology.

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And they said,

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do you want to go to class number two?

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Like go to day two and see?

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And I said,

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no. Like we literally had this soul to soul conversation even

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though there was,

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you know,

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hundreds of people around us.

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And it completely changed because the way I'd always seen the

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world and these relational kind of interconnected pieces,

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I didn't know that that was a thing that you could

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study. I didn't know it was a thing that you could

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do. And that really just put me on this track to

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getting my undergrad in psychology and then my master's in psychology

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and getting my license to be a licensed marriage and family

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therapist. And I've now been practicing therapy for about 14 years

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now. And I work at the very beginning of my work

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with a lot of trauma survivors and that was really,

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really intense,

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powerful work and high burnout factor and realizing that I won't

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make a ripple effect in my community and that if I

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could work with relationships before they became unhealthy or if I

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could work with relationships that had been modeled,

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unhealthy stuff that could I help create a ripple effect to

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my community to have a folks creating a different branch to

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their family tree by really modeling just more connection,

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more healthy communication,

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more fun because it was safe enough to do so.

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And that's where I've spent the last 10 years as a

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couples therapist.

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And as a business owner,

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I've owned my own business for the last night and I

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have a seven year old twins and I'm a wife of

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11 years.

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And so that complexity of building a business and growing a

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business and being so passionate about it.

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Okay. And then also wanting to show up in my marriage

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and my kids is where I've just found so much enjoyment

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out of just encouraging women to lean into their gifts.

264
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And so that's what brought me to your podcast and what

265
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brought me to reaching out and saying,

266
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I want to get to know your audience more.

267
00:11:41,710 --> 00:11:43,840
Yeah. There's a couple of things I want to say about

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this. The first is it always amazes me how there can

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be one single moment in time that literally changes everything.

270
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And yours is a perfect example.

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There was just one class that hit you right?

272
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And that was it.

273
00:11:59,710 --> 00:12:02,590
Yes. It's so cool when those things happen,

274
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even though it was a totally different track.

275
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So what did your parents think?

276
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Were they cool with it or did they think you were

277
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crazy? Oh,

278
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they were totally good with it.

279
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I'm the middle child of three girls and my dad always,

280
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it doesn't sound unloving,

281
00:12:15,910 --> 00:12:17,740
but he always says in the most loving way,

282
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but you're the only person that can land in a pile

283
00:12:19,450 --> 00:12:20,080
of, you know what?

284
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:21,460
Coming out smelling like roses.

285
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:22,980
So that is my personality is that I,

286
00:12:23,010 --> 00:12:24,210
for better or for worse,

287
00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:25,560
I tend to dive in and go,

288
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okay, now how do I do this?

289
00:12:27,030 --> 00:12:29,730
And so they knew that about me and I wasn't doing

290
00:12:29,730 --> 00:12:30,990
the best in school school.

291
00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,580
It was because I wasn't passionate about what I was doing.

292
00:12:33,790 --> 00:12:36,610
I thought I wanted to help people in that realm.

293
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:39,040
But the way I've been able to connect with people through

294
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:41,770
the work of therapy has been just something that I light

295
00:12:41,770 --> 00:12:42,220
up about.

296
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And so I think saw that.

297
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:43,930
I'm sure.

298
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:45,610
I can only imagine after I hung up the phone,

299
00:12:45,610 --> 00:12:45,790
you know,

300
00:12:45,790 --> 00:12:49,480
three States away of the conversation they had,

301
00:12:49,660 --> 00:12:50,920
she goes again,

302
00:12:51,190 --> 00:12:53,500
a hundred percent a hundred percent that's probably what it was

303
00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:54,150
like you said.

304
00:12:54,150 --> 00:12:55,800
It was that perfect time where I could hear it.

305
00:12:55,830 --> 00:12:57,690
And I think what was so powerful for me was I

306
00:12:57,690 --> 00:13:00,420
went in with just this negative attitude thinking,

307
00:13:00,510 --> 00:13:01,620
Oh, psychology.

308
00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:03,900
Oh, I just had such a negative belief system.

309
00:13:04,090 --> 00:13:05,980
We had seen a family therapist late in my high school

310
00:13:05,980 --> 00:13:10,210
years, and the person was just ever three example of why

311
00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:11,170
you shouldn't go to therapy.

312
00:13:11,170 --> 00:13:11,350
I mean,

313
00:13:11,350 --> 00:13:12,460
just bad that bad.

314
00:13:12,660 --> 00:13:14,760
So I had such a negative idea in my head of

315
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:15,960
what those people do.

316
00:13:16,020 --> 00:13:16,260
I mean,

317
00:13:16,260 --> 00:13:19,050
just very 19 don't know anything,

318
00:13:19,050 --> 00:13:20,070
but I thought I knew everything.

319
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:22,870
And so it was the exact perfect time to just burst

320
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:23,560
me open and go,

321
00:13:23,590 --> 00:13:24,100
Oh my goodness,

322
00:13:24,310 --> 00:13:26,180
yes. This is how I look at the world.

323
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:28,700
Like I can't believe that I could do something like this

324
00:13:28,700 --> 00:13:30,740
and make a living and enjoy it and grow as a

325
00:13:30,740 --> 00:13:31,760
person by doing it.

326
00:13:31,910 --> 00:13:32,660
Yeah. Well,

327
00:13:32,660 --> 00:13:35,030
I have to say that when you see things that are

328
00:13:35,030 --> 00:13:36,410
being done wrong,

329
00:13:36,620 --> 00:13:38,450
when you then look at the opposite,

330
00:13:38,450 --> 00:13:42,050
it's even a better learning for you of what you should

331
00:13:42,050 --> 00:13:43,670
be doing to do it the right way.

332
00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:49,400
So possibly you having that experience negative on family therapy.

333
00:13:49,790 --> 00:13:52,130
Luckily you kept your mind open for the future,

334
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:55,490
but then you saw this is exactly what is not going

335
00:13:55,490 --> 00:13:57,320
to be happening in my practice.

336
00:13:58,030 --> 00:14:00,760
Definitely. And it's really how I've built my practice is wanting

337
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:01,180
to say,

338
00:14:01,180 --> 00:14:03,700
okay, like how even if I'm not the right fit for

339
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:04,810
somebody and they're reaching out,

340
00:14:04,810 --> 00:14:07,000
how can I give them a warm hand off to somebody

341
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:07,690
who's a better fit?

342
00:14:07,690 --> 00:14:08,570
Because you know,

343
00:14:08,590 --> 00:14:10,570
working in your community for 14 years,

344
00:14:10,570 --> 00:14:12,400
you know a lot of people that do different stuff than

345
00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:14,530
you. And so that's something that has been always near and

346
00:14:14,530 --> 00:14:15,880
dear to my heart that when somebody says,

347
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,620
Hey, we didn't have the right fit before,

348
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:19,990
I want to try and get them the right fit because

349
00:14:19,990 --> 00:14:21,490
it is so hard to reach out for help.

350
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:21,820
I mean,

351
00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:23,380
it's hard to ask our partners for help.

352
00:14:23,380 --> 00:14:25,030
It's hard to ask our friends for help,

353
00:14:25,220 --> 00:14:26,780
pick up the phone and ask a therapist for all of

354
00:14:26,780 --> 00:14:29,360
them. There's so many messages that are connected to that that

355
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:30,770
are hopefully inaccurate,

356
00:14:30,770 --> 00:14:32,720
but still they become great barriers.

357
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:33,890
Right? For sure.

358
00:14:34,260 --> 00:14:38,580
Okay. So I'd like to take this conversation in two separate

359
00:14:38,670 --> 00:14:42,470
paths. One is going to be relationships and the other will

360
00:14:42,470 --> 00:14:45,830
be having a support system for your business.

361
00:14:45,830 --> 00:14:48,560
So someone that you can go to to lean on in

362
00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:50,750
those inevitable times when you need support.

363
00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:53,090
This may be your significant other,

364
00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:54,740
but not necessarily.

365
00:14:55,070 --> 00:14:58,760
So let's go with number one first relationships.

366
00:14:58,790 --> 00:15:02,690
And let's talk a little bit about communication with all the

367
00:15:02,690 --> 00:15:05,540
various people who are significant in our lives.

368
00:15:05,900 --> 00:15:07,460
Do you have any direction for us,

369
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:11,990
especially if someone is looking at entering into some conversations that

370
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:13,850
could be a little risky,

371
00:15:13,970 --> 00:15:15,980
such as starting a business,

372
00:15:16,490 --> 00:15:21,080
how do we ensure that our relationships are on a solid

373
00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:25,220
foundation before we even enter into those types of conversations?

374
00:15:25,530 --> 00:15:26,400
Well, yeah,

375
00:15:26,430 --> 00:15:29,730
no, I think that's a great question because relationships thrive off

376
00:15:29,730 --> 00:15:30,390
of stability,

377
00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:32,400
whatever the version of stability is,

378
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,260
right? All of our homeostasis looks different,

379
00:15:34,260 --> 00:15:36,150
but relationships thrive off of stability.

380
00:15:36,150 --> 00:15:37,410
It's they thrive off of safety.

381
00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:41,250
And yet when we are doing something new or growing a

382
00:15:41,250 --> 00:15:42,540
dream, growing a passion,

383
00:15:42,570 --> 00:15:43,740
that requires change.

384
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:47,440
And so those two stability and change are trying to exist

385
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:48,700
in the same system.

386
00:15:48,790 --> 00:15:50,230
It can create a lot of angst,

387
00:15:50,230 --> 00:15:51,130
a lot of worry,

388
00:15:51,130 --> 00:15:52,240
a lot of confusion.

389
00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:55,890
And so I think fundamentally we have to know that our

390
00:15:55,890 --> 00:15:57,780
relationships thrive on that stability.

391
00:15:57,780 --> 00:16:00,150
And if we're throwing in currents of change,

392
00:16:00,340 --> 00:16:03,790
it's understandable that it's going to create some level of disruption

393
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:05,150
and to disruption.

394
00:16:05,150 --> 00:16:07,070
Does it necessarily have a negative connotation?

395
00:16:07,070 --> 00:16:09,290
Right? Disruption is just some waves that we've got to manage.

396
00:16:09,460 --> 00:16:11,890
So I think that if you go in knowing that it's

397
00:16:11,890 --> 00:16:13,570
going to create some waves,

398
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,910
we aren't as surprised by them.

399
00:16:15,910 --> 00:16:19,210
We aren't as horrified or we don't use them as those

400
00:16:19,210 --> 00:16:19,750
enter the,

401
00:16:19,750 --> 00:16:20,500
see, I knew it,

402
00:16:20,590 --> 00:16:24,220
right? It's like we see this one little indicator of disruption

403
00:16:24,220 --> 00:16:24,490
and we go,

404
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:25,450
Oh, it's too hard.

405
00:16:25,450 --> 00:16:25,960
I can't do it.

406
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,600
Right? We don't use those to validate our fear story.

407
00:16:28,810 --> 00:16:32,530
So I think one is knowing that communication or that relationship

408
00:16:32,530 --> 00:16:33,550
piece needs that stability.

409
00:16:33,550 --> 00:16:36,160
And yet change kind of creates a little bit of waves.

410
00:16:36,390 --> 00:16:38,640
So when we approach communication,

411
00:16:38,850 --> 00:16:42,510
then we have to approach it knowing that we want to

412
00:16:42,510 --> 00:16:46,470
get to the fear place to have the real conversation.

413
00:16:46,750 --> 00:16:48,340
And what I mean is fear,

414
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:49,480
worry, overwhelm,

415
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:51,850
any of those just really icky feelings to have.

416
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,480
Those are the ones that are just very vulnerable and close

417
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:55,050
to us.

418
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:58,070
The ones that are a little bit farther removed,

419
00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:00,800
we call them secondary emotions are more the ones that our

420
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:02,270
friends or our partner,

421
00:17:02,330 --> 00:17:03,860
our support system might see.

422
00:17:03,950 --> 00:17:04,820
Then we're overwhelmed.

423
00:17:04,820 --> 00:17:06,140
Maybe we're a little agitated,

424
00:17:06,140 --> 00:17:07,520
frustrated, irritable.

425
00:17:07,740 --> 00:17:09,630
They're kind of more of the distancing emotions,

426
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:14,370
right? So we're approaching communication and we're in those distancing emotions

427
00:17:14,370 --> 00:17:15,060
that your ability,

428
00:17:15,060 --> 00:17:15,990
the frustration,

429
00:17:15,990 --> 00:17:16,830
those sorts of things.

430
00:17:17,110 --> 00:17:19,660
We just stay up there on the noise and we never

431
00:17:19,660 --> 00:17:21,670
get to the heart of him overwhelmed.

432
00:17:21,670 --> 00:17:23,050
I need some reassurance or Hey,

433
00:17:23,050 --> 00:17:24,880
I can see that you're really worried about this.

434
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:25,950
I hear you.

435
00:17:25,950 --> 00:17:26,880
Let's talk about it.

436
00:17:26,910 --> 00:17:29,490
And so really the number one tip when it comes to

437
00:17:29,490 --> 00:17:32,850
communication, especially when change is happening is the closer you can

438
00:17:32,850 --> 00:17:37,120
get to more of those softer but our emotions and stay

439
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,130
out of the noise in terms of the frustration,

440
00:17:39,130 --> 00:17:39,880
that irritation,

441
00:17:40,110 --> 00:17:43,500
the more authentic conversation you're going to have and honestly more

442
00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:46,080
of the forward moving conversation will take place.

443
00:17:46,140 --> 00:17:47,280
Cause you're talking about,

444
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:48,260
you actually need to talk about,

445
00:17:48,470 --> 00:17:50,600
Okay, so I understand you correctly.

446
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:54,920
We're talking about a solid relationship where they're not going to

447
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:57,500
seek information and support elsewhere.

448
00:17:57,980 --> 00:18:02,720
When you're approaching a conversation with a relationship that's already solid,

449
00:18:02,940 --> 00:18:06,440
obviously understanding that there's ups and downs with all relationships,

450
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:09,820
right? But this is a solid relationship and you're going to

451
00:18:09,820 --> 00:18:13,060
be approaching a topic that could be really sensitive,

452
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:16,900
like maybe quitting your nine to five because you're thinking of

453
00:18:16,900 --> 00:18:18,190
starting a business,

454
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:20,440
right? And let's just pretend it's me.

455
00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:23,800
Let's say I am now talking to my husband and I'm

456
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:25,030
approaching this topic.

457
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:26,350
Hey honey,

458
00:18:26,410 --> 00:18:26,920
guess what?

459
00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:27,790
I've got news.

460
00:18:27,820 --> 00:18:31,840
I am quitting my corporate job to start my own business.

461
00:18:32,270 --> 00:18:36,770
And so what you're saying in situations like that is recognize

462
00:18:36,770 --> 00:18:39,740
that you will probably be throwing the relationship,

463
00:18:39,770 --> 00:18:42,080
not the long term stability of the relationship,

464
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:46,100
but the current relationship a little bit off kilter by that

465
00:18:46,100 --> 00:18:50,300
announcement because you're messy with the safety and the stability of

466
00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:51,230
the relationship.

467
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:52,850
Would that be fair to say?

468
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,570
Absolutely. Cause you're coming in,

469
00:18:54,620 --> 00:18:55,480
you're enthusiastic.

470
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:56,500
I'm going to live my dream,

471
00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:59,230
right. Goodbye to the corporate world and partner,

472
00:18:59,260 --> 00:19:00,280
they may move into,

473
00:19:00,370 --> 00:19:01,930
yes, that's amazing.

474
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:05,020
But usually our partner moves into a counterbalance move,

475
00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:05,410
which is,

476
00:19:05,410 --> 00:19:06,670
wait, what are you going to do?

477
00:19:06,700 --> 00:19:08,200
Right? And so when we hear that a little bit of

478
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:10,390
doubt or that question is coming from them,

479
00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:13,780
usually we can interpret that as they're not supportive or,

480
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:16,420
and then we move to a place of frustration because we

481
00:19:16,420 --> 00:19:16,930
feel hurt.

482
00:19:16,930 --> 00:19:19,390
Right? I came to you with this big old exciting thing.

483
00:19:19,630 --> 00:19:22,030
You seemed a little bit but not so excited.

484
00:19:22,260 --> 00:19:24,690
And so now I have maybe a little bit irritable or

485
00:19:24,690 --> 00:19:25,590
my feelings are hurt.

486
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,660
And so that's when you usually move up into that part

487
00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:29,440
of communication.

488
00:19:29,670 --> 00:19:30,660
It isn't so productive.

489
00:19:30,660 --> 00:19:32,940
Right? Because you're kind of in that the noise as I

490
00:19:32,940 --> 00:19:35,850
call it versus you and a partner and you're saying,

491
00:19:35,850 --> 00:19:37,080
yes, I'm so excited.

492
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,540
I'm sure that might be a big question marks for you.

493
00:19:39,660 --> 00:19:40,650
How are you feeling?

494
00:19:40,650 --> 00:19:44,340
Right? You move into more of that softer piece because they're

495
00:19:44,430 --> 00:19:46,950
maybe lackluster response isn't because they don't support,

496
00:19:46,950 --> 00:19:48,600
it's because they're scared they're going,

497
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:49,260
well wait a second.

498
00:19:49,260 --> 00:19:50,470
What about our benefits?

499
00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:51,780
Or, or how are we going to meet?

500
00:19:51,810 --> 00:19:52,650
How are we gonna afford this?

501
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:55,170
Like they can move into all those fear based questions and

502
00:19:55,170 --> 00:19:56,820
so the more that you can move in there and have

503
00:19:56,820 --> 00:19:58,260
the conversation in that place,

504
00:19:58,490 --> 00:20:01,920
much more productive because you're really hearing each other's questions and

505
00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:06,540
their fear rather than interpreting that as doubt or unsupport and

506
00:20:06,540 --> 00:20:07,530
those sorts of things.

507
00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:10,540
Yeah. Cause I could see it spiral out of control.

508
00:20:10,570 --> 00:20:15,880
Yeah, because you're so excited and you're presenting your idea and

509
00:20:16,450 --> 00:20:21,010
it's probably just the overall concept because you don't have all

510
00:20:21,010 --> 00:20:22,840
the detail behind the idea yet.

511
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:25,150
It's just an overall thought.

512
00:20:25,540 --> 00:20:29,890
They may seem less supportive and now you're all upset because

513
00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:31,840
what you were excited about,

514
00:20:31,870 --> 00:20:34,060
it looks like you are going to be meeting with some

515
00:20:34,060 --> 00:20:38,620
resistance when for you at that point you need a super

516
00:20:38,710 --> 00:20:40,420
ton of support to get going.

517
00:20:40,650 --> 00:20:44,380
Right. And if you don't talk more about it on that

518
00:20:44,380 --> 00:20:44,950
deeper level,

519
00:20:44,950 --> 00:20:46,060
like you're saying,

520
00:20:46,650 --> 00:20:49,440
it can grow into this big smoke bomb.

521
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:55,020
I'm thinking of emotion and frustration and all that where that

522
00:20:55,020 --> 00:20:56,550
never really needed to happen.

523
00:20:56,700 --> 00:21:00,930
Absolutely. So this is actually leading to a question and I

524
00:21:00,930 --> 00:21:03,450
have to keep talking or I'm going to forget it,

525
00:21:03,450 --> 00:21:08,370
Anna, but is there a certain way to approach this or

526
00:21:08,370 --> 00:21:11,760
a structure or steps we should follow?

527
00:21:11,790 --> 00:21:16,170
Or what would you suggest to somebody who is anticipating that

528
00:21:16,170 --> 00:21:18,690
they're going to be in some type of a situation like

529
00:21:18,690 --> 00:21:22,020
this? I guess I'm thinking here about preparation.

530
00:21:22,020 --> 00:21:26,130
Do you have any tips on how you prepare yourself to

531
00:21:26,130 --> 00:21:27,690
enter into this conversation?

532
00:21:27,690 --> 00:21:30,890
So you get the best result and you're being sympathetic to

533
00:21:30,890 --> 00:21:33,350
the person who's going to be receiving your message?

534
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:34,700
Yes, absolutely.

535
00:21:34,700 --> 00:21:37,370
So the first is you as the speaker right?

536
00:21:37,370 --> 00:21:40,310
You as the one getting ready to lean into this passion

537
00:21:40,310 --> 00:21:43,670
to lean into this creative space and grow a business is

538
00:21:43,730 --> 00:21:46,970
you need to be clear of what you're needing from part.

539
00:21:47,870 --> 00:21:50,450
Because the majority of people that I work with,

540
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:51,470
even in couples therapy,

541
00:21:51,470 --> 00:21:53,630
that when they get a clear message from their partner what

542
00:21:53,630 --> 00:21:54,200
they need,

543
00:21:54,410 --> 00:21:58,220
they're so eager to meet that need because it's clear,

544
00:21:58,460 --> 00:22:01,670
right? It's when we use these kind of vague words that

545
00:22:01,670 --> 00:22:03,920
our partners tend to get that deer in the headlights and

546
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:04,580
go, Oh my goodness,

547
00:22:04,580 --> 00:22:05,780
you're asking for something.

548
00:22:05,810 --> 00:22:07,370
I don't know exactly what it is.

549
00:22:07,610 --> 00:22:09,230
And so I'm either going to try this approach or I'm

550
00:22:09,230 --> 00:22:10,670
going to do nothing cause I don't wanna make it worse.

551
00:22:10,910 --> 00:22:13,730
So the number one thing is you've gotta be clear of

552
00:22:13,730 --> 00:22:16,220
what you're needing from partner so that you can verbalize and

553
00:22:16,250 --> 00:22:17,420
accurately ask for it.

554
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:21,210
So when you're starting a conversation of this nature,

555
00:22:21,210 --> 00:22:24,120
when it's coming out of left field even,

556
00:22:24,630 --> 00:22:27,690
could you or would it even make sense to say something

557
00:22:27,690 --> 00:22:31,320
like, I have something really new to talk with you about

558
00:22:31,470 --> 00:22:35,310
and I'm really interested in your thoughts and your opinion on

559
00:22:35,310 --> 00:22:37,590
this, but I want you to hear me all the way

560
00:22:37,590 --> 00:22:39,300
through before you say anything.

561
00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:41,630
That way it gives you a little bit of space and

562
00:22:41,630 --> 00:22:43,760
time to talk where you know you're not going to be

563
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:48,080
interrupted, but the person who's listening also realizes that they're going

564
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:50,870
to get time to respond and voice their thoughts.

565
00:22:51,070 --> 00:22:52,030
A hundred percent yes,

566
00:22:52,060 --> 00:22:55,150
because it's clearly knowing what you need and there's sometimes where

567
00:22:55,150 --> 00:22:56,980
you go into communication with a partner and you're saying,

568
00:22:57,010 --> 00:22:58,030
I need you to be supportive right now.

569
00:22:58,060 --> 00:23:00,280
Even if this sounds crazy or the sounds like you've got

570
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:01,240
a million questions,

571
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:03,100
I need you just to have a smile on her face

572
00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:04,120
and say yes,

573
00:23:04,340 --> 00:23:06,530
and then once I get it all out and I feel

574
00:23:06,530 --> 00:23:07,130
your support,

575
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:09,740
then we can dive into maybe some of the questions you

576
00:23:09,740 --> 00:23:11,000
have of just being really,

577
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:12,410
really clear with what we need.

578
00:23:12,660 --> 00:23:14,760
And so that really sets up the second piece.

579
00:23:14,940 --> 00:23:15,900
That's beautiful.

580
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:16,580
Yeah. Right?

581
00:23:16,580 --> 00:23:18,980
Because if we know what we're need usually,

582
00:23:19,010 --> 00:23:20,810
not only are we more likely to get it,

583
00:23:20,810 --> 00:23:22,100
but we feel so hurt.

584
00:23:22,100 --> 00:23:24,650
And so seeing because we were clear with it and partner

585
00:23:24,650 --> 00:23:25,820
was able to clearly meet it,

586
00:23:25,850 --> 00:23:29,360
but it creates an expectation that occurs and that feels really,

587
00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:31,400
really reassuring to the relational unit.

588
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:31,910
Got it.

589
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:32,960
Yeah. Super.

590
00:23:33,170 --> 00:23:35,030
Okay, so that's the first piece,

591
00:23:35,030 --> 00:23:36,650
right? That the first piece is knowing what we need.

592
00:23:36,650 --> 00:23:37,760
But the second piece is,

593
00:23:37,820 --> 00:23:38,990
it occurs after,

594
00:23:38,990 --> 00:23:42,860
but it's actually almost simultaneous is that we have to invite

595
00:23:42,860 --> 00:23:44,240
partner into the conversation.

596
00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:46,330
Meaning if know what I need right now is you to

597
00:23:46,330 --> 00:23:48,790
be my biggest cheerleader and put your doubts aside until I

598
00:23:48,790 --> 00:23:51,850
get this all out and then we can discuss is that

599
00:23:51,850 --> 00:23:53,620
I need to now invite you into that space.

600
00:23:53,650 --> 00:23:56,830
Because what happens in just day to day communication is that

601
00:23:56,830 --> 00:24:00,220
we've been running something over through her head for quite a

602
00:24:00,220 --> 00:24:01,540
while and then we go to partner and say,

603
00:24:01,540 --> 00:24:02,320
Hey, by the way,

604
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:04,270
and that completely is the first time they've heard this,

605
00:24:04,270 --> 00:24:06,850
right? Or they've never heard it organized in this fashion.

606
00:24:07,150 --> 00:24:09,040
So that's when we move into the invitation,

607
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:09,550
which is,

608
00:24:09,670 --> 00:24:11,230
Hey, I want to talk to you about something.

609
00:24:11,260 --> 00:24:13,570
A big idea I've got is now a good time for

610
00:24:13,570 --> 00:24:17,680
you and I really need you to be open and supportive.

611
00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:19,000
Is now a good time for you?

612
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:22,150
So that partner is now knowing what they're walking in to

613
00:24:22,150 --> 00:24:24,280
and what the expectation of them is.

614
00:24:24,470 --> 00:24:26,600
Because if a person walks through the door and we kind

615
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:27,380
of pounce and say,

616
00:24:27,380 --> 00:24:28,430
I've got this thing to tell you,

617
00:24:28,430 --> 00:24:29,090
you ready?

618
00:24:29,210 --> 00:24:30,050
And partner's saying like,

619
00:24:30,050 --> 00:24:30,800
well, no,

620
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:32,840
I'd like to put down my bag and put on some

621
00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:34,430
comfy clothes or whatever it is,

622
00:24:34,670 --> 00:24:37,530
right? Like we have to invite them into that space and

623
00:24:37,940 --> 00:24:40,400
it's okay for the party partner to say,

624
00:24:40,580 --> 00:24:41,180
you know what,

625
00:24:41,300 --> 00:24:43,220
not right now can we do it in an hour?

626
00:24:43,460 --> 00:24:46,310
But it needs to have that book end knowing that we're

627
00:24:46,310 --> 00:24:47,210
going to follow up to it.

628
00:24:47,210 --> 00:24:49,820
Because if you come to partner with all of this excitement

629
00:24:49,820 --> 00:24:50,270
and say,

630
00:24:50,510 --> 00:24:52,250
Hey, I've got this big idea that can we talk about

631
00:24:52,250 --> 00:24:52,700
it now?

632
00:24:52,700 --> 00:24:53,990
I really need you to be supportive.

633
00:24:54,230 --> 00:24:54,740
And they say,

634
00:24:54,740 --> 00:24:55,320
no, no,

635
00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:56,690
it's not a good time.

636
00:24:56,750 --> 00:24:58,280
And they just walk away.

637
00:24:58,580 --> 00:24:59,690
That feels like rejection,

638
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:02,150
right? That feels like we came to them with this vulnerable

639
00:25:02,150 --> 00:25:03,350
thing and we got rejected.

640
00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:07,720
So that's really why that second step is so important.

641
00:25:07,980 --> 00:25:09,210
We've got to know what we need,

642
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:11,880
but we've got an invite partnering in that space and if

643
00:25:11,890 --> 00:25:12,900
partner says yes,

644
00:25:13,020 --> 00:25:16,410
but in 20 minutes we've got to honor that because we're

645
00:25:16,410 --> 00:25:18,930
setting an expectation and they need that space to kind of

646
00:25:18,930 --> 00:25:19,770
wrap their head around,

647
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:20,970
okay, let me take some breaths,

648
00:25:21,180 --> 00:25:23,940
let me move into that supportive place so that I can

649
00:25:23,940 --> 00:25:25,440
be there in the way that my partner needs.

650
00:25:26,300 --> 00:25:30,350
That is so brilliant because honestly,

651
00:25:30,410 --> 00:25:32,690
I mean timing is all important,

652
00:25:32,690 --> 00:25:36,740
right? The same message delivered at a time when someone's in

653
00:25:36,740 --> 00:25:40,040
a position to receive it versus when someone is super stressed

654
00:25:40,070 --> 00:25:44,030
just coming home with other things on their mind and just

655
00:25:44,030 --> 00:25:47,540
exhausted it would be received in an entirely different way.

656
00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:49,940
Yeah. We have a thing here in the office,

657
00:25:49,970 --> 00:25:50,570
my assistant,

658
00:25:50,570 --> 00:25:53,150
Lori and I that when we come in first thing in

659
00:25:53,150 --> 00:25:53,870
the morning,

660
00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:54,590
it's like,

661
00:25:55,010 --> 00:25:56,810
let us sit down,

662
00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:57,980
take our coat off,

663
00:25:58,010 --> 00:25:59,090
put our stuff away,

664
00:25:59,090 --> 00:26:00,500
wrap up a computer.

665
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:03,260
Maybe if we have to check an email or something like

666
00:26:03,260 --> 00:26:08,140
that, but literally settle in before we start going over questions

667
00:26:08,140 --> 00:26:10,330
that we have for each other or to do lists or

668
00:26:10,330 --> 00:26:13,660
goals or that kind of thing versus bombarding each other.

669
00:26:13,660 --> 00:26:16,480
The second we walk in the door with things that are

670
00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:18,490
on our important to do list,

671
00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:20,650
so similar type of thing.

672
00:26:20,650 --> 00:26:21,310
I'm thinking.

673
00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:23,400
Yes, absolutely.

674
00:26:23,460 --> 00:26:24,870
Yeah. Okay,

675
00:26:24,900 --> 00:26:29,760
so you have to know specifically in your mind exactly what

676
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:32,520
you're going to need from your partner and then you let

677
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:35,430
them know that you'd like to have a conversation and you

678
00:26:35,430 --> 00:26:36,900
ask if this is a good time,

679
00:26:37,110 --> 00:26:37,830
is that right?

680
00:26:38,430 --> 00:26:40,410
Right. And then your rip cord,

681
00:26:40,500 --> 00:26:42,810
right. That kind of third cord is to be able to

682
00:26:42,810 --> 00:26:44,370
let partner have their response,

683
00:26:44,550 --> 00:26:46,890
right? Or it's to let them have their feelings because think

684
00:26:46,890 --> 00:26:47,190
of it,

685
00:26:47,220 --> 00:26:48,660
let's say we had this podcast,

686
00:26:48,810 --> 00:26:50,130
right? We've got this scheduled,

687
00:26:50,390 --> 00:26:52,580
let's say three minutes before we're recording.

688
00:26:52,670 --> 00:26:53,930
I send you a message and I say,

689
00:26:53,930 --> 00:26:54,470
Hey Sue,

690
00:26:54,530 --> 00:26:55,640
don't be upset,

691
00:26:55,940 --> 00:26:57,980
but there's a class to the gym I didn't want to

692
00:26:57,980 --> 00:27:00,110
miss. And so we need to reschedule the podcast.

693
00:27:00,170 --> 00:27:02,000
Right? So that's not fair.

694
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:03,950
Right? You're allowed to be upset by that.

695
00:27:03,950 --> 00:27:06,560
You're allowed to be disappointed like you had set the time

696
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:09,590
aside. I set the time aside and then I just disregard

697
00:27:09,590 --> 00:27:12,780
it. So we need to let people have their feelings.

698
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:14,580
And could you be upset?

699
00:27:14,670 --> 00:27:16,560
Absolutely. Could you be disappointed?

700
00:27:16,620 --> 00:27:19,790
A hundred percent does that mean that I'm a disappointment?

701
00:27:19,940 --> 00:27:20,780
No. No.

702
00:27:20,780 --> 00:27:23,450
That doesn't mean my being as a discipline appointment did.

703
00:27:23,450 --> 00:27:25,250
That was I being kind of inconsiderate.

704
00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:27,620
Yeah, but that doesn't mean I am inconsiderate.

705
00:27:27,870 --> 00:27:30,300
And so when we move into this conversation with a partner,

706
00:27:30,620 --> 00:27:31,640
we're clear what we need.

707
00:27:31,850 --> 00:27:33,380
We've invited them into this space.

708
00:27:33,580 --> 00:27:36,310
They feel like they're willingly coming in because it's on their

709
00:27:36,310 --> 00:27:37,330
terms. Also.

710
00:27:37,650 --> 00:27:38,880
We can't then say,

711
00:27:38,970 --> 00:27:41,040
Hey, I want to tell you this really big thing,

712
00:27:41,100 --> 00:27:43,830
but you can't be worried or you can't have any questions

713
00:27:43,830 --> 00:27:44,460
or you can't.

714
00:27:44,460 --> 00:27:48,420
Like, we can't dictate that from them because that's their feelings.

715
00:27:48,420 --> 00:27:49,440
That's their response.

716
00:27:49,850 --> 00:27:52,340
They have the freedom to have whatever feelings are going to

717
00:27:52,340 --> 00:27:56,380
come up A hundred percent we have a responsibility of not

718
00:27:56,380 --> 00:28:00,610
taking that whatever feeling they have in terms of a way,

719
00:28:00,610 --> 00:28:02,380
as a negative depiction of us.

720
00:28:02,410 --> 00:28:05,620
Meaning if you respond back in this fictional email and you

721
00:28:05,620 --> 00:28:07,120
say, thanks for letting me know,

722
00:28:07,270 --> 00:28:08,380
I'm really disappointed,

723
00:28:08,410 --> 00:28:11,680
right? I then don't need to take the meaning away of

724
00:28:11,740 --> 00:28:13,780
well, she must hate me and I must really be a

725
00:28:13,780 --> 00:28:18,880
disappointment and this means that you start rolling into this narrative

726
00:28:18,910 --> 00:28:19,960
that doesn't exist.

727
00:28:20,180 --> 00:28:23,270
And so really the third piece is let your partner have

728
00:28:23,270 --> 00:28:28,020
their feelings and be really cautious of how you're interpreting those

729
00:28:28,020 --> 00:28:30,990
feelings as meaning as belief systems.

730
00:28:30,990 --> 00:28:35,340
Because there is a difference between how we feel and the

731
00:28:35,340 --> 00:28:37,710
meaning we take away from things the difference.

732
00:28:37,970 --> 00:28:38,530
Got it.

733
00:28:38,690 --> 00:28:42,740
They are entitled to their feelings and you can't internalize their

734
00:28:42,740 --> 00:28:46,510
reaction to be how they're feeling about you overall.

735
00:28:46,810 --> 00:28:50,680
It's just how they're feeling about the situation you're presenting at

736
00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:51,190
the time.

737
00:28:51,300 --> 00:28:52,200
Yeah, definitely.

738
00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:52,500
So, yeah,

739
00:28:52,500 --> 00:28:55,380
that's the third piece is let them have their feelings and

740
00:28:55,380 --> 00:28:57,930
just be really cautious about your own meaning that we take

741
00:28:57,930 --> 00:28:59,610
away. Okay.

742
00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:01,080
Can I ask you a question here?

743
00:29:01,230 --> 00:29:01,620
Go ahead.

744
00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:06,460
So I've been in conversation with people before who are already

745
00:29:06,460 --> 00:29:11,190
anticipating that when they bring up an uncomfortable idea,

746
00:29:11,220 --> 00:29:16,100
they're already anticipating that the reaction is going to be negative.

747
00:29:16,270 --> 00:29:20,590
So do you think by them anticipating that they've set themselves

748
00:29:20,650 --> 00:29:24,010
up to actually be in receipt of that reaction?

749
00:29:24,070 --> 00:29:25,030
You see what I'm saying?

750
00:29:25,450 --> 00:29:26,800
Growth at self fulfilling prophecy.

751
00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:28,210
Yeah. Yes.

752
00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:33,550
Self fulfilling prophecy versus particularly as they're listening to us now

753
00:29:33,820 --> 00:29:35,770
and they go through these steps first,

754
00:29:35,830 --> 00:29:39,360
they can kind of lead to their partner having a more

755
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:41,560
positive and comfortable reaction.

756
00:29:41,590 --> 00:29:43,810
Because you've said what you need,

757
00:29:44,050 --> 00:29:45,430
you're inviting them in.

758
00:29:45,820 --> 00:29:49,330
You're going to be accepting of whatever reaction that they have.

759
00:29:49,870 --> 00:29:53,200
So maybe you're not going to get that reaction that you

760
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:55,270
assumed initially would be so negative.

761
00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:56,480
Yeah, absolutely.

762
00:29:56,480 --> 00:30:00,680
And sometimes we can create almost a UTURN and communication.

763
00:30:04,220 --> 00:30:06,260
Uh, you turn in communication.

764
00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:09,560
That sounds interesting and we're going to hear more about that

765
00:30:09,710 --> 00:30:11,020
after a word from our sponsor.

766
00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:15,170
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767
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768
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771
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772
00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:27,350
Uh, you turn in communication,

773
00:30:27,380 --> 00:30:29,030
meaning you're having these conversations.

774
00:30:29,060 --> 00:30:30,920
I would be curious if somebody says,

775
00:30:30,920 --> 00:30:31,070
you know,

776
00:30:31,070 --> 00:30:33,380
I think my partner's going to get really upset.

777
00:30:33,650 --> 00:30:36,230
They don't like change or whatever the case may be.

778
00:30:36,450 --> 00:30:37,470
I'd want to know the why.

779
00:30:37,530 --> 00:30:39,270
Like why is that?

780
00:30:39,660 --> 00:30:41,610
Are you assuming that would be the response?

781
00:30:41,860 --> 00:30:45,550
Well, their dad had a really unstable job and their mom

782
00:30:45,550 --> 00:30:48,250
was the primary caring provider and she was,

783
00:30:48,280 --> 00:30:50,200
we barely were able to make ends meet.

784
00:30:50,410 --> 00:30:51,670
And so you start getting to,

785
00:30:51,730 --> 00:30:53,320
Oh, so you saying,

786
00:30:53,320 --> 00:30:56,410
Hey, I'm going to leave the corporate world and start my

787
00:30:56,410 --> 00:30:57,790
own business.

788
00:30:58,060 --> 00:31:00,070
That really represents a lot of fear to them.

789
00:31:00,130 --> 00:31:02,380
Right? So if they know the why going in,

790
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:03,700
then you can speak to that.

791
00:31:03,730 --> 00:31:05,110
Meaning, Hey,

792
00:31:05,380 --> 00:31:07,090
I want to talk to you about this big idea.

793
00:31:07,090 --> 00:31:08,230
You've got a got,

794
00:31:08,550 --> 00:31:10,380
there's some parts of it that might sound kind of scary

795
00:31:10,380 --> 00:31:12,180
and overwhelming and that's okay,

796
00:31:12,210 --> 00:31:14,100
but I want to share it with you so we can

797
00:31:14,100 --> 00:31:15,210
kind of talk our way through it.

798
00:31:15,470 --> 00:31:16,460
So you're almost creating this,

799
00:31:16,460 --> 00:31:20,090
you turn by naming the why or naming the true trigger

800
00:31:20,090 --> 00:31:22,650
feelings that could come up from partner so that when they

801
00:31:22,650 --> 00:31:26,190
start feeling this feature or this overwhelmed that you anticipated,

802
00:31:26,250 --> 00:31:27,870
and you've put that U-turn in there,

803
00:31:28,100 --> 00:31:31,580
it almost prevents their mind from diving all the way there.

804
00:31:31,580 --> 00:31:34,220
It almost plays a role of validating it,

805
00:31:34,250 --> 00:31:35,240
right? Because you're saying,

806
00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:36,440
I know this might be scary,

807
00:31:36,470 --> 00:31:38,870
and then you're having the conversation and they're feeling scared.

808
00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:40,350
They're usually able to go,

809
00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:41,250
Oh, okay.

810
00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:42,840
But they knew this was going to be very,

811
00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:43,770
and we can still do it.

812
00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:46,730
So sometimes you can actually create that U-turn for them by

813
00:31:46,730 --> 00:31:51,170
knowing the why I around whatever assumption you have going into

814
00:31:51,170 --> 00:31:52,160
this sort of conversation.

815
00:31:52,710 --> 00:31:53,190
Oh my gosh,

816
00:31:53,190 --> 00:31:54,570
that's so good.

817
00:31:54,870 --> 00:31:59,550
And it also shows the person who's initiating the conversation that

818
00:31:59,550 --> 00:32:03,330
they've taken into consideration what the reaction might be.

819
00:32:03,540 --> 00:32:06,750
So there's a level of caring that's already established there.

820
00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:09,390
Yeah, because our greatest need in our relationship is to be

821
00:32:09,390 --> 00:32:11,610
seen and heard like that is like from cradle to grave,

822
00:32:11,610 --> 00:32:14,730
right? This is like attachment theory in its purest form is

823
00:32:14,760 --> 00:32:17,160
our greatest need is to be seen to be heard.

824
00:32:17,190 --> 00:32:20,040
We just transfer that need from the child caregiver,

825
00:32:20,350 --> 00:32:22,620
a relationship to our instrument partner,

826
00:32:22,710 --> 00:32:24,000
like just cradle to grave.

827
00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:26,690
We have this need throughout our entire lives and so when

828
00:32:26,690 --> 00:32:28,220
we walk into this conversation and say,

829
00:32:28,220 --> 00:32:29,210
Hey, this is what I need,

830
00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:30,890
is this a good time for you?

831
00:32:31,100 --> 00:32:33,020
Not only are we requesting to be seen,

832
00:32:33,050 --> 00:32:35,270
but when we put that uterine in or we validate this

833
00:32:35,270 --> 00:32:35,990
might be overwhelming,

834
00:32:35,990 --> 00:32:36,830
this might be scary.

835
00:32:36,860 --> 00:32:38,660
We help partner to also feel seen in that way.

836
00:32:38,950 --> 00:32:41,890
It grounds the conversation with so much more quickly and just

837
00:32:41,890 --> 00:32:42,910
really remarkable ways.

838
00:32:43,210 --> 00:32:45,280
The forthright is just giving some breathing room,

839
00:32:45,370 --> 00:32:48,220
right? Because the thing is we're pushing this conversation.

840
00:32:48,220 --> 00:32:50,110
Like I said initially we're kind of coming in with an

841
00:32:50,110 --> 00:32:50,860
advantage, right?

842
00:32:50,860 --> 00:32:53,950
Like, we've got all of this planning and rehearsing and roleplaying

843
00:32:53,950 --> 00:32:56,380
that we've done in our head around how we want to

844
00:32:56,380 --> 00:32:57,310
present this to partner.

845
00:32:57,580 --> 00:32:59,230
Then we need to give some breathing space for them to

846
00:32:59,230 --> 00:32:59,980
process through.

847
00:33:00,220 --> 00:33:04,330
Relationships are that perfect definition of the balance of the counterbalance

848
00:33:04,330 --> 00:33:05,110
the into the gang.

849
00:33:05,340 --> 00:33:08,790
And so the typical pairing in most partnerships is one person

850
00:33:08,790 --> 00:33:10,200
is an external processor,

851
00:33:10,400 --> 00:33:14,090
meaning that on their problem solving something or mulling something over,

852
00:33:14,300 --> 00:33:17,360
they want to do it verbally with somebody that is supportive,

853
00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:18,830
right? So they want to externalize it.

854
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:21,930
And the perfect match to that is somebody who's an internal

855
00:33:21,930 --> 00:33:24,000
processor, meaning they need to take that time,

856
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:26,250
they need to kind of be reflective to where they kind

857
00:33:26,250 --> 00:33:29,400
of process through to a more balanced place.

858
00:33:29,630 --> 00:33:32,360
And when we rush either people out of their process,

859
00:33:32,540 --> 00:33:34,940
it's when we tend to have the most miscommunications.

860
00:33:35,030 --> 00:33:38,180
So really the fourth step is give us some breathing room,

861
00:33:38,240 --> 00:33:41,120
is that we can't go into change with a sense of

862
00:33:41,150 --> 00:33:43,070
urgency, that it's you don't decide yes,

863
00:33:43,070 --> 00:33:45,980
that you're onboard to support me in the next 10 minutes.

864
00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:47,060
It means you don't love me.

865
00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:49,310
We have to allow for that breathing space so that we

866
00:33:49,310 --> 00:33:51,620
can almost redistribute that power balance,

867
00:33:51,620 --> 00:33:53,960
right? That we're both come coming in with an advantage,

868
00:33:53,990 --> 00:33:56,870
meaning we've both given the time that we need to process

869
00:33:56,870 --> 00:33:59,120
it through so that we can come to a problem solving

870
00:33:59,150 --> 00:34:03,770
a logistic planning and implementation or action element of the conversation.

871
00:34:03,770 --> 00:34:05,660
But we can't get there until we both feel heard and

872
00:34:05,660 --> 00:34:06,290
both feel seen.

873
00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:09,150
This is so concrete and so directional.

874
00:34:09,180 --> 00:34:11,610
I'm so happy we're sharing this with everybody.

875
00:34:11,940 --> 00:34:14,700
Let me tell you what I did with my husband.

876
00:34:14,790 --> 00:34:18,360
I've now started two businesses where I've had to have this

877
00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:19,710
kind of a conversation.

878
00:34:20,460 --> 00:34:22,650
I didn't approach it exactly like this,

879
00:34:22,970 --> 00:34:24,050
but the outcome was good.

880
00:34:24,050 --> 00:34:26,240
So I think I did an okay job.

881
00:34:27,290 --> 00:34:29,510
One of the things I also did was I said,

882
00:34:29,540 --> 00:34:30,620
okay Michael,

883
00:34:30,710 --> 00:34:33,110
this is what I see it looking like.

884
00:34:33,380 --> 00:34:35,600
So when I started my first business,

885
00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:36,350
I said,

886
00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:38,420
I'm going to start in about six months.

887
00:34:38,450 --> 00:34:39,320
In the meantime,

888
00:34:39,350 --> 00:34:42,350
I'm going to be planning for it and this is how

889
00:34:42,350 --> 00:34:45,590
much I would like to invest from our family funds.

890
00:34:46,070 --> 00:34:48,650
Then I'm going to run the business for six months and

891
00:34:48,650 --> 00:34:50,360
then reanalyze.

892
00:34:50,390 --> 00:34:53,960
We'll see how it's doing and then determine from there what

893
00:34:53,960 --> 00:34:55,010
would happen next.

894
00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:57,590
And then as things were progressing,

895
00:34:57,620 --> 00:34:59,000
I would keep him informed.

896
00:34:59,030 --> 00:35:00,680
It's not like I had to report back to him all

897
00:35:00,680 --> 00:35:01,160
the time,

898
00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:04,250
but I just gave him some updates here and there because

899
00:35:04,250 --> 00:35:06,170
that way he wasn't kept in the dark.

900
00:35:06,200 --> 00:35:09,980
Because I think a lot of times the fear of unknown

901
00:35:10,130 --> 00:35:12,710
makes people really uncomfortable and uneasy,

902
00:35:13,040 --> 00:35:17,300
especially if your family finances are part of this conversation because

903
00:35:17,300 --> 00:35:19,580
we were investing not a lot of money,

904
00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:21,800
a little bit of money for the first business,

905
00:35:22,100 --> 00:35:24,380
much more money for the second business.

906
00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:28,610
Any comments on this approach or things that you could have

907
00:35:28,610 --> 00:35:29,990
added where I w you know,

908
00:35:29,990 --> 00:35:31,310
things that I could have done better.

909
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:35,240
Absolutely. Keep them informed and I love that idea of,

910
00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:37,890
and this is kind of how long I'm going to give

911
00:35:37,890 --> 00:35:38,580
myself, right?

912
00:35:38,580 --> 00:35:41,640
Or this is how long we're going to just stay grinding

913
00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:43,950
it out or whatever the case may be because there is

914
00:35:44,130 --> 00:35:44,670
so much,

915
00:35:44,700 --> 00:35:47,670
as much as we can keep our partners informed about our

916
00:35:47,670 --> 00:35:48,510
business growth,

917
00:35:48,510 --> 00:35:49,530
our business obstacles,

918
00:35:49,530 --> 00:35:51,150
they're still in the dark a lot of ways because they're

919
00:35:51,150 --> 00:35:55,380
not living it every day and it's not their necessarily their

920
00:35:55,380 --> 00:35:57,900
passion that is now being turned into a business.

921
00:35:57,900 --> 00:35:59,610
So being able to keep them informed,

922
00:35:59,800 --> 00:36:02,980
but those little markers set an expectation of,

923
00:36:03,010 --> 00:36:05,830
Hey, this is really overwhelming or scary for you.

924
00:36:05,980 --> 00:36:09,130
This is how long I'm asking you to tolerate that discomfort

925
00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:09,970
versus, Hey,

926
00:36:09,970 --> 00:36:12,610
I know this is overwhelming for you and you just need

927
00:36:12,610 --> 00:36:13,180
to deal with it.

928
00:36:13,180 --> 00:36:15,520
As long as I feel like diving into it so that

929
00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:17,500
timeline or that for the next six months it's going to

930
00:36:17,500 --> 00:36:21,010
look like this helps to also create these markers and they

931
00:36:21,010 --> 00:36:24,040
might be arbitrary meaning that in six months it might look

932
00:36:24,040 --> 00:36:24,490
like this,

933
00:36:24,490 --> 00:36:28,210
but it keeps a touchstone in both people's minds of being

934
00:36:28,210 --> 00:36:28,540
able to say,

935
00:36:28,540 --> 00:36:30,580
okay, the six months has come and gone.

936
00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:32,290
Do we keep leaning into it?

937
00:36:32,290 --> 00:36:34,480
Is there some ways that we can help help it grow

938
00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:37,150
more? Is it something that six months was long enough to

939
00:36:37,150 --> 00:36:38,800
see whether or not it was a viable business?

940
00:36:39,020 --> 00:36:41,450
So that really helps to ground it because we've got some

941
00:36:41,450 --> 00:36:44,060
indicator of how do we measure growth,

942
00:36:44,060 --> 00:36:47,600
how are we coming back to having monthly or quarterly conversations

943
00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:49,190
around this so that we're all on the same page.

944
00:36:49,780 --> 00:36:50,770
Okay, perfect.

945
00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:53,950
So we've talked about how to deliver the message and how

946
00:36:53,950 --> 00:36:55,480
not to internalize it.

947
00:36:55,790 --> 00:36:59,600
So let's say we've given our partners some breathing room and

948
00:36:59,630 --> 00:37:01,760
they come back a little while later and they're like,

949
00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:02,660
you know,

950
00:37:02,930 --> 00:37:06,170
I've given this some thought and I am not with this

951
00:37:06,170 --> 00:37:09,140
program for whatever the reasons are.

952
00:37:09,470 --> 00:37:10,520
I don't like it,

953
00:37:10,940 --> 00:37:12,590
I don't buy into it.

954
00:37:13,290 --> 00:37:14,520
Then what do you do?

955
00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:15,730
Well, back in my early,

956
00:37:15,730 --> 00:37:16,810
early days of therapy,

957
00:37:16,810 --> 00:37:17,170
like I said,

958
00:37:17,170 --> 00:37:19,930
I worked a lot with trauma survivors and at the local

959
00:37:19,930 --> 00:37:21,190
domestic violence clinic.

960
00:37:21,190 --> 00:37:22,510
And then I worked with foster youth.

961
00:37:22,510 --> 00:37:24,520
So I was just in the throws of trauma work.

962
00:37:24,550 --> 00:37:27,340
And one thing that part of being a therapist for foster

963
00:37:27,340 --> 00:37:29,440
youth is that we just have to go to these meetings.

964
00:37:29,620 --> 00:37:32,860
They're called TDMs team decision making meetings where we'd sit around

965
00:37:32,860 --> 00:37:35,350
if there was a placement change for our kiddo or a

966
00:37:35,350 --> 00:37:36,310
school change,

967
00:37:36,310 --> 00:37:38,440
some really big change in their life as we all had

968
00:37:38,440 --> 00:37:40,690
to sit down as the support people in this child's life

969
00:37:40,780 --> 00:37:41,590
and make a decision of,

970
00:37:41,590 --> 00:37:43,540
okay, are we going to change placements or what are we

971
00:37:43,540 --> 00:37:45,160
going to do to help support this kid?

972
00:37:45,460 --> 00:37:47,590
So it would be myself as a therapist,

973
00:37:47,590 --> 00:37:48,910
the attorney for the child,

974
00:37:48,940 --> 00:37:49,960
maybe the bio parent,

975
00:37:49,960 --> 00:37:50,920
maybe the foster parent,

976
00:37:50,920 --> 00:37:52,780
maybe, I mean the social worker,

977
00:37:52,780 --> 00:37:55,200
like we're all sitting in this room and we'd come up

978
00:37:55,230 --> 00:37:58,500
with the best decision that we thought possible to really help

979
00:37:58,500 --> 00:37:59,190
this kid thrive.

980
00:37:59,490 --> 00:38:02,700
And then this amazing thing would happen where we'd have to

981
00:38:02,700 --> 00:38:05,430
then go around the room with this said decision that had

982
00:38:05,430 --> 00:38:06,810
been kind of discussed and compromised.

983
00:38:07,050 --> 00:38:09,840
And we had to say whether or not we supported the

984
00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:10,740
decision, right?

985
00:38:10,740 --> 00:38:13,870
Like I agree with the decision and I will support it.

986
00:38:14,020 --> 00:38:16,420
Meaning the actions that I am going to do are going

987
00:38:16,420 --> 00:38:18,400
to be in support of yes,

988
00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:20,850
I agree with this decision or we had to raise our

989
00:38:20,850 --> 00:38:22,110
hand and say,

990
00:38:22,140 --> 00:38:23,130
I don't agree with the decision.

991
00:38:23,160 --> 00:38:23,880
I'm not on board,

992
00:38:24,260 --> 00:38:25,580
but I'm not going to work against it.

993
00:38:25,730 --> 00:38:28,190
Meaning I will agree to the steps that have been outlined

994
00:38:28,190 --> 00:38:31,050
in our plan as a service provider to this child and

995
00:38:31,050 --> 00:38:32,580
I'll do it with a pure heart,

996
00:38:32,820 --> 00:38:33,630
but I really just,

997
00:38:33,630 --> 00:38:34,200
I'm just,

998
00:38:34,230 --> 00:38:35,740
I don't agree with what decided here.

999
00:38:36,100 --> 00:38:37,510
Or the third option was,

1000
00:38:37,690 --> 00:38:38,800
not only do I not agree with it,

1001
00:38:39,130 --> 00:38:40,300
I'm not doing what you're asking me,

1002
00:38:40,420 --> 00:38:41,680
like I'm not going to sabotage,

1003
00:38:41,710 --> 00:38:44,470
but I'm not doing these things that are outlined in my

1004
00:38:44,530 --> 00:38:48,530
realm to help this plan move forward and that skill,

1005
00:38:48,530 --> 00:38:51,320
like that experience way early in my career is something that

1006
00:38:51,320 --> 00:38:55,640
I've applied to really working with entrepreneurial women when they have

1007
00:38:55,640 --> 00:38:56,690
a partner who's saying,

1008
00:38:56,870 --> 00:38:59,300
I'm not on board is really getting down to the heart

1009
00:38:59,300 --> 00:38:59,840
of, okay,

1010
00:38:59,900 --> 00:39:01,700
that is hard to hear and we want to kind of

1011
00:39:01,700 --> 00:39:04,850
process through the emotions that come with it because that's a

1012
00:39:04,850 --> 00:39:05,570
hard thing to hear,

1013
00:39:05,570 --> 00:39:08,240
right? But we've got to also then with partners say,

1014
00:39:08,240 --> 00:39:10,040
okay, so of these three,

1015
00:39:10,070 --> 00:39:12,020
right, if you're saying if we rule out,

1016
00:39:12,080 --> 00:39:12,980
I agree with it,

1017
00:39:12,980 --> 00:39:13,700
I'm going to support it,

1018
00:39:13,940 --> 00:39:14,900
right? If partner is saying,

1019
00:39:14,900 --> 00:39:15,650
I'm not on board,

1020
00:39:15,930 --> 00:39:17,550
but our two other options then remain,

1021
00:39:17,550 --> 00:39:19,200
which is you don't agree with it,

1022
00:39:19,830 --> 00:39:23,430
but you're willing to support me in whatever this capacity looks

1023
00:39:23,430 --> 00:39:24,900
like as I do it anyway.

1024
00:39:25,620 --> 00:39:26,610
Or is it,

1025
00:39:26,610 --> 00:39:29,220
I don't agree with it and I'm not going to do

1026
00:39:29,220 --> 00:39:32,700
anything to support it And hopefully not sabotage though.

1027
00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:34,060
Right. And hopefully not sabotage.

1028
00:39:34,060 --> 00:39:36,340
Right. Which was never really a fourth option in these big

1029
00:39:36,340 --> 00:39:37,030
old meetings,

1030
00:39:37,030 --> 00:39:38,980
but there was some side glances that maybe there was,

1031
00:39:39,670 --> 00:39:40,450
we're going to do that.

1032
00:39:40,450 --> 00:39:41,490
Right? Yeah.

1033
00:39:41,490 --> 00:39:44,400
But they could be in a relationship like we're talking about.

1034
00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:45,420
They could be like,

1035
00:39:45,570 --> 00:39:47,280
no, it's not right.

1036
00:39:47,310 --> 00:39:48,360
I don't want you to do it.

1037
00:39:48,720 --> 00:39:52,830
Or heaven forbid you have someone who is super controlling and

1038
00:39:52,830 --> 00:39:56,190
dominating and says you cannot do this.

1039
00:39:56,680 --> 00:39:58,960
Yes. And that's really because if we kind of spoke to

1040
00:39:58,960 --> 00:39:59,470
the first group,

1041
00:39:59,470 --> 00:39:59,740
which is,

1042
00:39:59,740 --> 00:40:00,310
I agree with it,

1043
00:40:00,310 --> 00:40:01,060
I'm going to support it.

1044
00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:03,440
What we're talking about right now has kind of these two

1045
00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:05,570
or maybe three categories in terms of the sabotage or,

1046
00:40:05,800 --> 00:40:06,760
but if it's the second one,

1047
00:40:06,760 --> 00:40:07,120
which is,

1048
00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:07,840
I don't agree,

1049
00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:09,280
but I will support it.

1050
00:40:09,490 --> 00:40:10,690
That's not terrible.

1051
00:40:11,020 --> 00:40:13,600
That one really what we want to do there is just

1052
00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:14,200
be cautious of,

1053
00:40:14,410 --> 00:40:16,760
it's not terrible and we just have to be really cautious

1054
00:40:16,760 --> 00:40:20,810
about the meaning that we take away around partner's love for

1055
00:40:20,810 --> 00:40:22,550
us because they will agree,

1056
00:40:22,550 --> 00:40:23,210
but not support.

1057
00:40:23,240 --> 00:40:24,650
They're talking about this idea.

1058
00:40:24,890 --> 00:40:27,590
But I think of myself and a lot of business owners,

1059
00:40:27,680 --> 00:40:30,320
what I do is a part of my identity,

1060
00:40:30,320 --> 00:40:32,000
right? And so if a partner says to me,

1061
00:40:32,250 --> 00:40:33,990
Hey, I don't agree with this idea,

1062
00:40:34,470 --> 00:40:36,720
but I'll encourage you along the way.

1063
00:40:36,960 --> 00:40:38,400
We've got to be cautious that I don't then take the

1064
00:40:38,400 --> 00:40:39,030
meaning and say,

1065
00:40:39,060 --> 00:40:41,310
Oh, well they don't really love me because they don't believe

1066
00:40:41,310 --> 00:40:42,180
in my identity.

1067
00:40:42,240 --> 00:40:45,210
Like we've just gotta be so cautious there with that kind

1068
00:40:45,210 --> 00:40:46,170
of second group,

1069
00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:47,310
right? It's not the worst,

1070
00:40:47,530 --> 00:40:49,330
but we've just gotta be really careful that it doesn't kind

1071
00:40:49,330 --> 00:40:50,980
of create these messages that we,

1072
00:40:51,010 --> 00:40:53,940
even to the marriage or the relationship that create,

1073
00:40:53,940 --> 00:40:55,580
that have a lot of resentment or injury.

1074
00:40:55,790 --> 00:40:56,210
Like I said,

1075
00:40:56,210 --> 00:40:56,810
be cautious there.

1076
00:40:57,460 --> 00:41:01,600
I think to clarify what won't support or won't work against

1077
00:41:01,630 --> 00:41:05,410
means, because for some people who are going to start a

1078
00:41:05,410 --> 00:41:09,490
business, the first way that they're initially going to sell means

1079
00:41:09,550 --> 00:41:13,330
going out to craft shows where they might be taking time

1080
00:41:13,330 --> 00:41:17,500
away from their weekends or night times and their partner might

1081
00:41:17,500 --> 00:41:20,950
be, well now I'm not seeing you as often because of

1082
00:41:20,950 --> 00:41:22,720
this new career you have.

1083
00:41:22,900 --> 00:41:25,240
And resentment might start building up in that way.

1084
00:41:25,690 --> 00:41:27,010
Furthermore, they might say,

1085
00:41:27,010 --> 00:41:27,460
and you know,

1086
00:41:27,460 --> 00:41:30,370
don't expect me to be spending my weekend sitting with you

1087
00:41:30,370 --> 00:41:31,420
at craft shows.

1088
00:41:31,450 --> 00:41:34,460
I want to be fishing or playing golf or something like

1089
00:41:34,460 --> 00:41:38,720
that. So they might not necessarily agree with it because in

1090
00:41:38,720 --> 00:41:39,950
my example,

1091
00:41:40,160 --> 00:41:42,650
they're not supporting it because of time.

1092
00:41:43,280 --> 00:41:47,870
So maybe having some clarification over what their concerns are about

1093
00:41:48,020 --> 00:41:49,070
supporting you.

1094
00:41:49,490 --> 00:41:53,450
Um, maybe time is their issue and if you're a way

1095
00:41:53,450 --> 00:41:54,590
to overcome that,

1096
00:41:54,620 --> 00:41:56,090
then they'd be more supportive.

1097
00:41:56,120 --> 00:41:59,870
Right. But it goes down to communication because they're really not

1098
00:41:59,870 --> 00:42:02,990
trying to put you in kind of an I told you

1099
00:42:02,990 --> 00:42:05,900
situation, they just have different concerns.

1100
00:42:06,370 --> 00:42:08,500
Definitely. And that meaning thing goes both ways,

1101
00:42:08,500 --> 00:42:11,690
right? Because if the maker is going to crash shows on

1102
00:42:11,690 --> 00:42:13,030
the weekends and things like that.

1103
00:42:13,030 --> 00:42:15,400
So if they're being cautious about not taking meaning away when

1104
00:42:15,400 --> 00:42:16,000
a partner says,

1105
00:42:16,030 --> 00:42:16,600
I disagree,

1106
00:42:16,600 --> 00:42:17,540
but I'll support you,

1107
00:42:17,540 --> 00:42:18,430
you go do your thing,

1108
00:42:18,430 --> 00:42:19,470
right. That,

1109
00:42:19,470 --> 00:42:20,440
that doesn't mean,

1110
00:42:20,500 --> 00:42:22,030
well then you don't really care about me.

1111
00:42:22,290 --> 00:42:23,040
Yeah. Like,

1112
00:42:23,070 --> 00:42:24,600
okay, well don't expect me,

1113
00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:25,740
I'm not doing that.

1114
00:42:25,860 --> 00:42:26,610
Well, okay,

1115
00:42:26,700 --> 00:42:27,510
now you know.

1116
00:42:27,570 --> 00:42:28,780
Right, Right.

1117
00:42:28,810 --> 00:42:30,340
And also being upfront of,

1118
00:42:30,340 --> 00:42:31,990
okay, and when I go,

1119
00:42:32,020 --> 00:42:34,510
what happens if you start feeling resentful of where I'm spending

1120
00:42:34,510 --> 00:42:34,870
my time,

1121
00:42:34,870 --> 00:42:37,120
like how do we have a plan to come back and

1122
00:42:37,120 --> 00:42:40,150
start talking to each other if that resentments growing.

1123
00:42:40,180 --> 00:42:42,190
Right. Like so really it's kind of getting to a plan

1124
00:42:42,190 --> 00:42:43,660
of it's okay if you don't agree with it.

1125
00:42:43,660 --> 00:42:46,080
Right. I appreciate that you're saying go do it,

1126
00:42:46,110 --> 00:42:47,550
but I don't want to be a part of it.

1127
00:42:47,770 --> 00:42:49,540
But what happens when I go do it?

1128
00:42:49,840 --> 00:42:52,090
And you start feeling a little bit pushed away.

1129
00:42:52,150 --> 00:42:54,370
Can you come to me and let me know that like

1130
00:42:54,370 --> 00:42:57,910
can we have ongoing conversations so that we're still nurturing our

1131
00:42:57,910 --> 00:43:01,690
relationship despite this really big exciting thing that I'm doing that

1132
00:43:01,690 --> 00:43:03,040
you may not be on board with.

1133
00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:05,620
So that's really where the conversation lies.

1134
00:43:05,680 --> 00:43:09,400
Yeah, like maybe almost even formally setting checkpoints.

1135
00:43:09,460 --> 00:43:11,620
Like every month let's go out to dinner,

1136
00:43:11,650 --> 00:43:14,470
I'll share with you what I'm doing and where we're at.

1137
00:43:14,950 --> 00:43:15,520
In turn,

1138
00:43:15,520 --> 00:43:18,250
you can feel free to ask me questions and I'd also

1139
00:43:18,250 --> 00:43:22,030
like input your thoughts and let's just have a conversation about

1140
00:43:22,030 --> 00:43:22,450
all this.

1141
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:24,820
So everything is always staying out in the open.

1142
00:43:25,460 --> 00:43:28,340
Definitely. And usually when we sat at that time aside,

1143
00:43:28,370 --> 00:43:31,100
where that intentionality that we're showing partner is we're showing that

1144
00:43:31,100 --> 00:43:31,820
they're a priority,

1145
00:43:31,850 --> 00:43:34,700
right? And so even if it is once a month,

1146
00:43:34,700 --> 00:43:36,710
we're going to sit down and do it because we keep

1147
00:43:36,710 --> 00:43:39,650
that time as sacred and we've spent other weekends at other

1148
00:43:39,650 --> 00:43:43,550
craft shows or building the business is usually partner can see

1149
00:43:43,550 --> 00:43:47,000
the consistency around that intentional time together and less of that

1150
00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:49,730
resentment or less of that negative meaning is attributed to the

1151
00:43:49,730 --> 00:43:51,830
other time away because they see that they are also a

1152
00:43:51,830 --> 00:43:55,730
priority. So it has amazing effects of just the consistency of

1153
00:43:55,730 --> 00:43:57,440
it and then what comes out of the conversations.

1154
00:43:57,850 --> 00:43:58,690
Okay, perfect.

1155
00:43:58,750 --> 00:44:02,890
And then what happens when you get that full slam door

1156
00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:05,160
response? It's a tough one.

1157
00:44:05,190 --> 00:44:06,690
There's a lot of honestly,

1158
00:44:06,720 --> 00:44:09,690
kind of mourning that has to happen around the response that

1159
00:44:09,690 --> 00:44:10,530
we really wanted.

1160
00:44:10,620 --> 00:44:13,890
Right? I'm not saying morning around the relationship ending,

1161
00:44:13,890 --> 00:44:16,170
but morning around there's a lot of loss.

1162
00:44:16,170 --> 00:44:18,240
I'm feeling around this part of me that feels like it

1163
00:44:18,240 --> 00:44:22,320
needs to be put life into and I'm being told that

1164
00:44:22,320 --> 00:44:24,960
not only his partner doesn't agree with what I wanting to

1165
00:44:24,960 --> 00:44:26,600
do, but they're not going to support it.

1166
00:44:26,630 --> 00:44:29,810
Right. That they're going to potentially make it hard or for

1167
00:44:29,810 --> 00:44:33,180
me, I've got women I've worked with where they're building this

1168
00:44:33,180 --> 00:44:35,940
business and it looks different when you are building a business.

1169
00:44:35,940 --> 00:44:38,070
Then when you're in the nine to five like it just

1170
00:44:38,130 --> 00:44:40,650
a lot of times to some people it may not look

1171
00:44:40,650 --> 00:44:42,330
like what exactly are you doing right?

1172
00:44:42,330 --> 00:44:42,840
And you're like,

1173
00:44:42,930 --> 00:44:44,040
I am working so,

1174
00:44:44,190 --> 00:44:47,050
so hard and yet it doesn't look the same way.

1175
00:44:47,210 --> 00:44:47,850
And they will say,

1176
00:44:47,910 --> 00:44:49,070
I've worked all day.

1177
00:44:49,100 --> 00:44:51,620
I'm out there trying to build my confidence and grow my

1178
00:44:51,770 --> 00:44:54,900
skill and I come home and all the things that maybe

1179
00:44:54,900 --> 00:44:57,540
I was in charge of or had been divvied up prior

1180
00:44:57,540 --> 00:45:00,390
to this are sitting there waiting for me to get done

1181
00:45:00,530 --> 00:45:03,990
and the after I've come home like that just feels so

1182
00:45:03,990 --> 00:45:05,830
unsupportive. Kids are still awake,

1183
00:45:05,860 --> 00:45:08,550
nobody's been fed and it feels like a big old just

1184
00:45:08,550 --> 00:45:11,250
punch in the gut of what is going on here that

1185
00:45:11,250 --> 00:45:14,580
I'm being really feeling like I'm being sabotaged by partner in

1186
00:45:14,580 --> 00:45:17,310
terms of them kind of dusting off their hands and saying,

1187
00:45:17,310 --> 00:45:17,610
you know what?

1188
00:45:17,610 --> 00:45:18,120
You do it,

1189
00:45:18,120 --> 00:45:19,290
but nothing else can change.

1190
00:45:19,560 --> 00:45:20,070
And it is,

1191
00:45:20,070 --> 00:45:21,960
it does come with a lot of feelings of mourning,

1192
00:45:21,960 --> 00:45:22,440
a loss.

1193
00:45:22,440 --> 00:45:25,590
And really the biggest piece is can we get to the

1194
00:45:25,590 --> 00:45:28,950
why? Like what is it that's going on for partner that

1195
00:45:28,950 --> 00:45:31,830
is making them dig their heels in so much?

1196
00:45:32,200 --> 00:45:35,230
Because the more we dig our heels in,

1197
00:45:35,230 --> 00:45:39,540
the more stubborn place that we tear into you usually just

1198
00:45:39,540 --> 00:45:40,290
because of fear.

1199
00:45:40,470 --> 00:45:43,800
Like we will not move our position because we are fearful.

1200
00:45:44,060 --> 00:45:47,780
And you ask a stubborn person if they're scared and they

1201
00:45:47,780 --> 00:45:48,710
look at you like you're crazy,

1202
00:45:48,710 --> 00:45:50,140
right? So you have to know that it,

1203
00:45:50,140 --> 00:45:53,570
it's using language of help me understand why it's such a

1204
00:45:53,570 --> 00:45:56,210
strong note or help me understand what is about it that

1205
00:45:56,210 --> 00:45:57,290
makes you disagree with it.

1206
00:45:57,540 --> 00:46:00,750
And usually as long as you're filtering down and filtering down,

1207
00:46:00,780 --> 00:46:03,780
it will come to a place of fear.

1208
00:46:03,990 --> 00:46:06,000
But it takes some time to get there because I'm a

1209
00:46:06,000 --> 00:46:08,850
very stubborn person and I'm very in touch with fear now.

1210
00:46:08,850 --> 00:46:10,530
But in my younger years,

1211
00:46:10,530 --> 00:46:12,390
like I would deny to anybody that I was scared of

1212
00:46:12,390 --> 00:46:14,520
anything. And now fear is a friend of mine.

1213
00:46:14,700 --> 00:46:16,770
I learn a lot from my fears.

1214
00:46:17,280 --> 00:46:19,470
Well, and they may not be able to put words to

1215
00:46:19,470 --> 00:46:20,310
it either.

1216
00:46:20,520 --> 00:46:21,000
They just,

1217
00:46:21,000 --> 00:46:22,500
it feels uncomfortable to them.

1218
00:46:22,500 --> 00:46:24,780
They can't necessarily describe why,

1219
00:46:25,230 --> 00:46:25,500
you know,

1220
00:46:25,500 --> 00:46:29,070
perhaps they've never had an entrepreneur or someone in their family

1221
00:46:29,070 --> 00:46:32,730
who has done anything other than working for somebody else.

1222
00:46:32,730 --> 00:46:35,490
So this is really unfamiliar territory.

1223
00:46:35,850 --> 00:46:39,540
It's against any stability that you would want to feel.

1224
00:46:39,540 --> 00:46:40,680
And that's important.

1225
00:46:41,250 --> 00:46:41,760
In that case,

1226
00:46:41,760 --> 00:46:44,400
you're trying to get to the why and I guess that's

1227
00:46:44,490 --> 00:46:47,640
a relationship issue then that you try and work on.

1228
00:46:48,380 --> 00:46:51,290
But then you need support from somewhere.

1229
00:46:51,380 --> 00:46:52,580
I think you'll agree with me,

1230
00:46:52,580 --> 00:46:56,150
Anna. So if it's not going to be your spouse or

1231
00:46:56,150 --> 00:46:58,760
it's only going to be your spouse to a certain level,

1232
00:46:58,790 --> 00:47:00,200
as you were saying with number two,

1233
00:47:00,200 --> 00:47:01,970
so they don't really agree,

1234
00:47:01,970 --> 00:47:05,150
but they're not going to work against what you're doing.

1235
00:47:05,750 --> 00:47:08,690
You would still want some type of an advocate,

1236
00:47:08,720 --> 00:47:12,410
some strong supporter that you would find from somewhere.

1237
00:47:13,490 --> 00:47:14,500
A hundred percent I mean,

1238
00:47:14,560 --> 00:47:16,300
there's got to be a group,

1239
00:47:16,330 --> 00:47:17,110
a community,

1240
00:47:17,110 --> 00:47:17,710
a tribe,

1241
00:47:17,710 --> 00:47:18,550
whatever you call it,

1242
00:47:18,550 --> 00:47:20,200
around you that is there to support you.

1243
00:47:20,200 --> 00:47:22,570
And this is a group that it looks different people,

1244
00:47:22,570 --> 00:47:22,840
I mean,

1245
00:47:22,840 --> 00:47:26,950
a lot of my business support people are online people that

1246
00:47:26,950 --> 00:47:28,900
I've created wonderful connections with,

1247
00:47:29,150 --> 00:47:32,840
and it's being able to speak that entrepreneurial lab language because

1248
00:47:32,990 --> 00:47:33,770
if I go to,

1249
00:47:33,770 --> 00:47:35,720
I mean my husband was raised by two entrepreneurs,

1250
00:47:35,720 --> 00:47:36,590
so that's a huge,

1251
00:47:36,590 --> 00:47:37,790
huge asset to our marriage.

1252
00:47:38,020 --> 00:47:39,310
But if I go to him and I'm S,

1253
00:47:39,340 --> 00:47:39,670
you know,

1254
00:47:40,180 --> 00:47:41,410
the sky is falling,

1255
00:47:41,740 --> 00:47:42,760
the barn is burning,

1256
00:47:42,760 --> 00:47:45,130
right? If I go to him in these panic places,

1257
00:47:45,190 --> 00:47:47,230
there may be a way he's reassuring in the moment,

1258
00:47:47,230 --> 00:47:49,000
but he's panicking them inside.

1259
00:47:49,240 --> 00:47:52,090
Whereas if I go to somebody who is a business owner

1260
00:47:52,090 --> 00:47:53,860
and I'm panic about whatever it is,

1261
00:47:54,040 --> 00:47:56,680
they're not going to then take that internally as that and

1262
00:47:56,680 --> 00:47:57,400
go, Oh my God,

1263
00:47:57,850 --> 00:47:59,230
she's gonna make her mortgage.

1264
00:47:59,260 --> 00:48:01,570
Right? And so sometimes even if we've got a really,

1265
00:48:01,570 --> 00:48:02,620
really supportive partner,

1266
00:48:02,870 --> 00:48:06,590
we still need that community in whatever way we define it.

1267
00:48:06,590 --> 00:48:10,070
To be able to speak that language and be able to

1268
00:48:10,100 --> 00:48:13,820
air out those fears and not have it create relationship traumas

1269
00:48:13,850 --> 00:48:15,080
around, Oh my gosh,

1270
00:48:15,200 --> 00:48:16,070
what's going on?

1271
00:48:16,280 --> 00:48:17,000
So that community,

1272
00:48:17,030 --> 00:48:18,800
and that's one of the reasons I enjoy your podcast.

1273
00:48:18,800 --> 00:48:21,680
So much of just the community of women that are listening

1274
00:48:21,710 --> 00:48:23,240
and building connections around.

1275
00:48:23,330 --> 00:48:25,070
Yes, this is something that is possible.

1276
00:48:25,100 --> 00:48:27,620
And there's also lots of things that happen.

1277
00:48:27,620 --> 00:48:29,570
I mean I think we've all seen that meme of what

1278
00:48:29,570 --> 00:48:32,150
we think the entrepreneurial journey looks like and it's like a

1279
00:48:32,150 --> 00:48:34,700
straight diagonal line versus what it actually is.

1280
00:48:34,700 --> 00:48:35,720
And it's that up and down,

1281
00:48:35,720 --> 00:48:36,440
up and down.

1282
00:48:36,830 --> 00:48:39,720
We need that community And it needs to be someone who

1283
00:48:39,720 --> 00:48:40,770
truly gets it.

1284
00:48:41,340 --> 00:48:43,860
Hopefully someone who's doing it at themselves.

1285
00:48:43,860 --> 00:48:46,350
So that's really awesome cause it can be reciprocal.

1286
00:48:46,710 --> 00:48:47,730
You can support them,

1287
00:48:47,880 --> 00:48:48,840
they can support you,

1288
00:48:49,590 --> 00:48:51,090
that would work beautifully.

1289
00:48:51,600 --> 00:48:53,940
So what do you think of where you can go to

1290
00:48:53,940 --> 00:48:55,650
find other supporters,

1291
00:48:55,830 --> 00:48:59,990
friends, maybe you have a sister-in-law who shows interest and is

1292
00:48:59,990 --> 00:49:01,400
excited about your plans,

1293
00:49:01,670 --> 00:49:05,030
someone who is outside the business but can be a sounding

1294
00:49:05,030 --> 00:49:07,700
board that you can go to when you need a pick

1295
00:49:07,700 --> 00:49:10,490
me up or just to bounce ideas off of.

1296
00:49:10,520 --> 00:49:12,500
Do you think that's important too or,

1297
00:49:12,750 --> 00:49:14,550
Yeah, and you're going to do it very similar to how

1298
00:49:14,550 --> 00:49:17,130
we talked about with partner is that if you're going to

1299
00:49:17,160 --> 00:49:18,540
best friend and saying,

1300
00:49:18,570 --> 00:49:18,990
Oh my gosh,

1301
00:49:18,990 --> 00:49:20,100
I'm so overwhelmed right now.

1302
00:49:20,130 --> 00:49:21,870
Can you just listen to me vent and tell me everything's

1303
00:49:21,870 --> 00:49:24,020
going to be okay and best friends like girl,

1304
00:49:24,020 --> 00:49:24,650
I got you.

1305
00:49:24,680 --> 00:49:26,270
Go for it like this.

1306
00:49:26,270 --> 00:49:27,110
This is good.

1307
00:49:27,260 --> 00:49:28,640
So it is okay,

1308
00:49:28,730 --> 00:49:31,310
but we also have to let them know because especially,

1309
00:49:31,310 --> 00:49:34,070
and I think this is the difference between sometimes we are

1310
00:49:34,070 --> 00:49:36,500
lucky enough to have our support system,

1311
00:49:36,500 --> 00:49:39,800
meaning our friends and our family get it right and sometimes

1312
00:49:40,100 --> 00:49:43,540
they love us but they don't necessarily get it in terms

1313
00:49:43,540 --> 00:49:45,610
of that business growth way.

1314
00:49:45,800 --> 00:49:48,230
I have a dear friend and she works like a very

1315
00:49:48,230 --> 00:49:50,720
traditional schedule and if I go to her and I'm panicked

1316
00:49:50,720 --> 00:49:51,890
about my business or you know,

1317
00:49:51,890 --> 00:49:53,270
just whatever the case may be,

1318
00:49:53,500 --> 00:49:55,180
she might be really supportive,

1319
00:49:55,240 --> 00:49:57,980
but she doesn't necessarily get it in terms of that same

1320
00:49:57,980 --> 00:50:01,010
way. So it's okay for us to have different people in

1321
00:50:01,010 --> 00:50:03,350
our support system that serve different roles.

1322
00:50:03,500 --> 00:50:06,770
Maybe we have a friend that really enjoys cussing and she's

1323
00:50:06,770 --> 00:50:07,100
like, girl,

1324
00:50:07,100 --> 00:50:08,900
you call me up and you vent and you use every

1325
00:50:08,900 --> 00:50:09,800
dealer word in the book.

1326
00:50:09,830 --> 00:50:10,700
I can tolerate it.

1327
00:50:10,900 --> 00:50:12,910
Like who knows what that that strength is,

1328
00:50:13,130 --> 00:50:14,140
feels that we need in the moment.

1329
00:50:14,170 --> 00:50:17,020
But it's very similar of knowing what you need,

1330
00:50:17,470 --> 00:50:18,400
asking for it,

1331
00:50:18,650 --> 00:50:22,850
but also knowing your relationships well enough to know that you're

1332
00:50:22,850 --> 00:50:25,550
asking for something that like this person can really easily provide

1333
00:50:25,550 --> 00:50:28,460
you. And then you get to be that reciprocal person based

1334
00:50:28,460 --> 00:50:31,370
on your strengths or your skillset that what you bring to

1335
00:50:31,370 --> 00:50:32,210
that support system.

1336
00:50:32,470 --> 00:50:35,500
Yeah. And I think also somebody who doesn't have a vested

1337
00:50:35,500 --> 00:50:39,520
interest in the outcome so they can be pretty much objective

1338
00:50:39,610 --> 00:50:42,520
even though they're a good friend of yours and I'm actually

1339
00:50:42,520 --> 00:50:44,740
thinking right now of a good friend of mine who has

1340
00:50:44,740 --> 00:50:45,790
sometimes said,

1341
00:50:45,790 --> 00:50:47,950
Sue, I don't agree with you.

1342
00:50:48,370 --> 00:50:51,820
I think you've got it all wrong and I'm thinking this

1343
00:50:51,820 --> 00:50:52,600
other way.

1344
00:50:53,080 --> 00:50:56,530
Someone who's willing to not just agree with me but make

1345
00:50:56,530 --> 00:50:58,870
me look at things a different way,

1346
00:50:59,140 --> 00:51:00,310
challenge me a little bit.

1347
00:51:01,030 --> 00:51:02,320
I think that's really helpful.

1348
00:51:03,040 --> 00:51:06,850
But you can only do that when you really have solid

1349
00:51:06,940 --> 00:51:08,440
levels of trust.

1350
00:51:08,650 --> 00:51:12,400
Honesty, you don't think there's any underlying motive.

1351
00:51:12,940 --> 00:51:15,280
Like they're not setting you up to fail or something.

1352
00:51:15,430 --> 00:51:17,770
They really have your best interest at heart.

1353
00:51:18,280 --> 00:51:22,150
And those conversations come from close friends in my opinion.

1354
00:51:22,660 --> 00:51:24,490
Possibly online connections too.

1355
00:51:24,550 --> 00:51:25,990
But close friends.

1356
00:51:26,530 --> 00:51:28,090
Yeah, and they're ones that you've built.

1357
00:51:28,090 --> 00:51:29,710
I have to have become dear,

1358
00:51:29,710 --> 00:51:30,280
dear friends.

1359
00:51:30,280 --> 00:51:31,120
And we did meet,

1360
00:51:31,150 --> 00:51:33,370
one was a colleague introduced us and the other one was

1361
00:51:33,490 --> 00:51:35,500
I met her at a conference and the three of us

1362
00:51:35,560 --> 00:51:39,020
have become such great friends and one of them is,

1363
00:51:39,080 --> 00:51:41,990
she's just so nurturing kind that anytime I've got a doubt

1364
00:51:41,990 --> 00:51:43,040
or I'm just overwhelmed,

1365
00:51:43,260 --> 00:51:44,460
she's right there love on me.

1366
00:51:44,700 --> 00:51:47,010
And the other one is such a straight shooter that when

1367
00:51:47,010 --> 00:51:48,000
I raised my fees,

1368
00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:49,110
which as a helper healer,

1369
00:51:49,110 --> 00:51:50,190
that's a hard thing to do.

1370
00:51:50,430 --> 00:51:51,600
Yeah, I'm sure.

1371
00:51:51,700 --> 00:51:53,740
Yeah. I think raising our fees and talking about money,

1372
00:51:53,830 --> 00:51:54,850
it's such a hard thing.

1373
00:51:55,040 --> 00:51:56,600
But when the helper healer community,

1374
00:51:56,600 --> 00:52:00,140
unfortunately there's a lot of shame that is associated with are

1375
00:52:00,140 --> 00:52:00,860
you a good helper,

1376
00:52:00,860 --> 00:52:03,410
healer? If you'd make enough to live like it's just so

1377
00:52:03,410 --> 00:52:04,220
backwards and garbage.

1378
00:52:04,220 --> 00:52:05,330
But that's another conversation.

1379
00:52:05,330 --> 00:52:07,790
And so this is my fees and she's such a straight

1380
00:52:07,850 --> 00:52:10,340
shooter. And the way she called me out on our 3%

1381
00:52:10,340 --> 00:52:11,000
text message,

1382
00:52:11,280 --> 00:52:12,990
I could feel her love because I know her,

1383
00:52:12,990 --> 00:52:13,470
but I'm like,

1384
00:52:13,500 --> 00:52:15,390
girl, you're the only person in the world that could say

1385
00:52:15,390 --> 00:52:17,850
this stuff to me and that I hate you're it.

1386
00:52:18,120 --> 00:52:21,330
And I use it as growth points versus I hear it

1387
00:52:21,330 --> 00:52:22,920
and I get my feelings hurt or I hear it and

1388
00:52:22,920 --> 00:52:23,910
disregard it and say,

1389
00:52:23,910 --> 00:52:24,810
you don't know me,

1390
00:52:24,810 --> 00:52:26,460
or whatever the case may be.

1391
00:52:26,580 --> 00:52:30,810
Right. So really it's fostering those friendships and knowing the person

1392
00:52:30,810 --> 00:52:33,090
well enough that that she just got so much love for

1393
00:52:33,090 --> 00:52:35,710
me, but she can say things like that and I never

1394
00:52:35,710 --> 00:52:38,020
hear them as something that is unkind.

1395
00:52:38,020 --> 00:52:39,610
It's always just so filled with love,

1396
00:52:39,640 --> 00:52:43,540
even if it's so much more direct than I may approach

1397
00:52:43,540 --> 00:52:47,570
it. Different relationships offer you different types and different levels of

1398
00:52:47,570 --> 00:52:49,430
support. That's for sure.

1399
00:52:50,190 --> 00:52:55,410
This has been a fabulous conversation and these four steps in

1400
00:52:55,410 --> 00:52:58,860
terms of approaching a conversation I know are going to serve

1401
00:52:58,860 --> 00:53:03,630
me and our listeners really well and although we used it

1402
00:53:03,630 --> 00:53:08,130
specifically for entering into a conversation about starting a business,

1403
00:53:08,370 --> 00:53:13,320
clearly this can be used for any potentially powerful,

1404
00:53:13,320 --> 00:53:17,700
impactful, important conversation that you come up with in your life.

1405
00:53:18,150 --> 00:53:20,670
I also really appreciate your direction.

1406
00:53:20,820 --> 00:53:23,490
I've never really thought of this before in terms of how

1407
00:53:23,490 --> 00:53:28,920
you would handle a conversation and clearly never recognized or realized

1408
00:53:28,950 --> 00:53:30,510
these three levels of support.

1409
00:53:31,200 --> 00:53:34,170
Obviously you'd like the reaction with the first one.

1410
00:53:34,260 --> 00:53:35,880
The second one is okay,

1411
00:53:36,450 --> 00:53:37,560
I mean you can work with it,

1412
00:53:37,590 --> 00:53:38,880
but the third one,

1413
00:53:38,910 --> 00:53:40,830
what do you do if someone really,

1414
00:53:40,830 --> 00:53:46,040
really is against what your dreaming of at least understanding where

1415
00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:50,060
you can go next and having some concrete steps I think

1416
00:53:50,060 --> 00:53:54,250
is really helpful and some of our listeners are thinking about

1417
00:53:54,250 --> 00:53:55,600
having this conversation.

1418
00:53:55,630 --> 00:53:59,380
They're ready to take their next step and talk about this

1419
00:53:59,380 --> 00:54:00,880
with their significant other.

1420
00:54:01,330 --> 00:54:02,860
So thank you so much,

1421
00:54:02,860 --> 00:54:05,080
Anna. This has been golden.

1422
00:54:05,670 --> 00:54:08,670
This is one of those interviews where I'm not sure exactly

1423
00:54:08,670 --> 00:54:10,890
what we're going to be talking about as we get into

1424
00:54:10,890 --> 00:54:13,500
it and now that we've gone through it,

1425
00:54:13,950 --> 00:54:16,470
it is so much more than I ever could have hoped.

1426
00:54:16,530 --> 00:54:19,560
So thank you for that and I know that all our

1427
00:54:19,560 --> 00:54:21,480
listeners are saying the same thing.

1428
00:54:21,660 --> 00:54:23,730
My pleasure to in exchange,

1429
00:54:23,850 --> 00:54:26,220
I'd like to present you with a virtual gift.

1430
00:54:26,450 --> 00:54:30,050
It's a magical box containing unlimited possibilities.

1431
00:54:30,050 --> 00:54:31,010
For your future.

1432
00:54:31,070 --> 00:54:34,580
So this is your dream or your goal of almost unreachable

1433
00:54:34,580 --> 00:54:36,290
Heights that you would wish to obtain.

1434
00:54:36,950 --> 00:54:39,830
Please accept this gift and open it in our presence.

1435
00:54:40,100 --> 00:54:41,600
What's inside your box?

1436
00:54:42,370 --> 00:54:43,650
Hmm. I love this question.

1437
00:54:43,940 --> 00:54:47,300
Inside my box is the ability to just connect with women

1438
00:54:47,300 --> 00:54:49,850
on these conversations is being able to,

1439
00:54:49,880 --> 00:54:50,990
through speaking,

1440
00:54:50,990 --> 00:54:52,520
through social,

1441
00:54:52,520 --> 00:54:54,680
through being able to just reach more ears,

1442
00:54:54,680 --> 00:54:55,280
more listeners,

1443
00:54:55,280 --> 00:54:58,160
and being able to encourage them to step fully into their

1444
00:54:58,160 --> 00:54:59,840
passion. And so for me,

1445
00:54:59,840 --> 00:55:00,470
looking at this box,

1446
00:55:00,470 --> 00:55:01,670
it looks like more speaking,

1447
00:55:01,730 --> 00:55:02,330
more workshops,

1448
00:55:02,330 --> 00:55:05,630
more conferences of just on this topic and having this really,

1449
00:55:05,630 --> 00:55:07,000
really rich conversation.

1450
00:55:07,040 --> 00:55:10,410
Because I love the therapy work that I do and it's

1451
00:55:10,410 --> 00:55:13,230
also work that in 14 years has taken.

1452
00:55:13,490 --> 00:55:15,050
It takes a lot of you and I love that I

1453
00:55:15,050 --> 00:55:15,560
do that,

1454
00:55:15,720 --> 00:55:18,690
but being able to also balance it with speaking and speaking

1455
00:55:18,810 --> 00:55:20,010
in this realm.

1456
00:55:20,410 --> 00:55:22,990
I'm thinking back to that day in your class when you

1457
00:55:22,990 --> 00:55:24,880
made the decision to make a change,

1458
00:55:25,240 --> 00:55:28,030
you have so much talent and so much skill in what

1459
00:55:28,030 --> 00:55:30,590
you've chosen to do and I so want your gift to

1460
00:55:30,590 --> 00:55:33,860
be true to where you can keep sharing because we all

1461
00:55:33,860 --> 00:55:34,910
so need it.

1462
00:55:35,360 --> 00:55:36,770
It all works hand in hand.

1463
00:55:37,250 --> 00:55:39,650
How can our listeners learn more about you,

1464
00:55:39,650 --> 00:55:40,480
Anna? Yeah.

1465
00:55:40,480 --> 00:55:43,240
The best place is to head to my website life unscripted,

1466
00:55:43,240 --> 00:55:47,350
counseling.com and I've got all my links to social.

1467
00:55:47,350 --> 00:55:49,060
I've got links to my podcast.

1468
00:55:49,060 --> 00:55:52,930
I've got a weekly blog that is literally a relationship tip

1469
00:55:52,960 --> 00:55:55,510
every single week for them to be able to check out

1470
00:55:55,730 --> 00:55:58,460
and there's also actually a link on there for a seven

1471
00:55:58,460 --> 00:56:00,320
day relationship challenge that's free.

1472
00:56:00,320 --> 00:56:03,440
They can click on that and sign up and it's delivered

1473
00:56:03,440 --> 00:56:06,230
to their inbox every day of just different ways to dive

1474
00:56:06,230 --> 00:56:08,370
into relationship skill building,

1475
00:56:08,370 --> 00:56:10,110
relationship conversations.

1476
00:56:10,140 --> 00:56:12,810
They can do it one day for seven days.

1477
00:56:12,810 --> 00:56:14,880
They can parcel it out and have it be part of

1478
00:56:14,880 --> 00:56:15,960
an every other week,

1479
00:56:15,960 --> 00:56:18,450
date night that they kind of take the scripts and the

1480
00:56:18,450 --> 00:56:19,380
activities too.

1481
00:56:19,380 --> 00:56:21,300
But I love to offer that to your listeners because it

1482
00:56:21,300 --> 00:56:24,880
is just a really guided concrete way to dive in into

1483
00:56:24,910 --> 00:56:27,520
just a deep clear part of knowing each other and our

1484
00:56:27,520 --> 00:56:28,690
relationships. So yes,

1485
00:56:28,690 --> 00:56:29,470
life unscripted,

1486
00:56:29,470 --> 00:56:30,820
counseling.com is my site.

1487
00:56:31,070 --> 00:56:32,810
Perfect. And gift biz listeners,

1488
00:56:32,810 --> 00:56:34,670
I'll just remind you of the show notes page,

1489
00:56:34,670 --> 00:56:37,910
so if you weren't able to capture information right this minute,

1490
00:56:37,940 --> 00:56:40,100
you can always go and resource it later.

1491
00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:43,290
Anna, thank you from the bottom of my heart for this

1492
00:56:43,290 --> 00:56:44,460
conversation today.

1493
00:56:44,490 --> 00:56:47,790
I know it is going to help so many people and

1494
00:56:47,790 --> 00:56:51,060
it has been absolutely marvelous having you on the show.

1495
00:56:51,310 --> 00:56:52,090
Oh, thank you Sue,

1496
00:56:52,090 --> 00:56:53,710
and thank you for the work that you're doing.

1497
00:56:53,710 --> 00:56:54,160
I really,

1498
00:56:54,160 --> 00:56:56,500
really enjoy your podcast and I'm just so excited that we've

1499
00:56:56,500 --> 00:56:59,890
connected virtually now and I'm excited to just continue to listen

1500
00:56:59,890 --> 00:57:02,050
to your podcast and just being a fan of the work

1501
00:57:02,050 --> 00:57:02,470
you're doing.

1502
00:57:02,770 --> 00:57:03,190
Oh my gosh,

1503
00:57:03,280 --> 00:57:04,750
Thank you so much for that.

1504
00:57:04,840 --> 00:57:07,720
And I know we'll definitely stay connected for sure.

1505
00:57:09,910 --> 00:57:12,920
No, I used to get a pit in my stomach every

1506
00:57:12,920 --> 00:57:15,710
time I had to approach a difficult conversation.

1507
00:57:16,490 --> 00:57:19,940
I really feel that now with Anna's direction,

1508
00:57:20,240 --> 00:57:23,690
I can be much more in control of how I introduce

1509
00:57:23,690 --> 00:57:27,650
an issue into the conversation and then manage through what happens

1510
00:57:27,650 --> 00:57:28,370
from there.

1511
00:57:28,940 --> 00:57:32,210
It all goes back to communication and respecting one another,

1512
00:57:32,570 --> 00:57:37,370
but having the structure helps so much as we close out

1513
00:57:37,370 --> 00:57:38,270
the show this week.

1514
00:57:38,300 --> 00:57:40,850
One last reminder about my masterclass,

1515
00:57:41,090 --> 00:57:45,050
it's called how to turn your handmade product into an income

1516
00:57:45,050 --> 00:57:49,010
producing business and the link to register is gift biz on

1517
00:57:49,010 --> 00:57:54,560
rapt.com forward slash masterclass I'll see you out here again next

1518
00:57:54,560 --> 00:57:56,060
week. Bye for now.

1519
00:57:57,020 --> 00:57:58,310
After you listened to the show,

1520
00:57:58,370 --> 00:57:59,960
if you like what you're hearing,

1521
00:58:00,200 --> 00:58:03,200
make sure to jump over and subscribe to the show on

1522
00:58:03,200 --> 00:58:04,490
Apple podcasts.

1523
00:58:04,730 --> 00:58:07,970
That way you'll automatically get the newest episodes when they go

1524
00:58:07,970 --> 00:58:11,270
live and thank you to those of you who have already

1525
00:58:11,270 --> 00:58:12,530
left a rating and review.

1526
00:58:13,160 --> 00:58:14,180
By subscribing,

1527
00:58:14,210 --> 00:58:15,500
rating, and reviewing,

1528
00:58:15,560 --> 00:58:18,950
you help to increase the visibility of gift biz on wrapped.

1529
00:58:19,280 --> 00:58:21,980
It's a great way to pay it forward to help others

1530
00:58:21,980 --> 00:58:24,290
with their entrepreneurial journey as well.