Foreign.

Welcome to the Own youn Choices on youn Life Podcast. I know you are here wanting to change and rewrite your story. You are desiring to step into the impact that you know you were here to create. I am here to guide you with the proven tools and strategies used by myself and our speakers to support you in taking radical responsibility in your life and learning how to own your choices to change your story. My name is Marcia Van Winesburg. I am a storytelling, business coach, master NLP trainer, speaker, podcaster, and seven times published author. My clients have found freedom and purpose from overcoming their shame stories and learning how to share them with the world. I am so grateful you are here. Let's get started.

Foreign.

Welcome back to the show. Today we are speaking with Sandra Lena Silverman. Sandra is a beauty, wellness and self love advocate, best selling co author of From Bullshit to Botox, A Rebel's Guide to Self Love and Eternal Youth, and a bold voice redefining what it Means to age with confidence. With over 570,000 followers on Instagram, Sandra is known for her candid, no shame conversations around beauty, cosmetic procedures, and the deeper emotional work that fuels lasting transformation. Now in her 50s and often mistaken for somebody a decade younger, Sandra openly shares her personal journey through cosmetic enhancements, including Botox, facelifts and intimate procedures, while emphasizing that true beauty begins on the inside first. Her path includes extensive mindset, work, life coaching, and healing from childhood trauma, all of which have profoundly transformed her self worth, marriage and sense of purpose. Sandra's mission is to empower women to own their choices, release judgment, and invest unapologetically in themselves, inside and out. She challenges outdated narratives around aging and beauty, replacing them with self love, emotional resilience and personal responsibility. Through honest humor and lived experience, Sandra inspires audiences to embrace growth, grow boldly, and create a life that feels authentic at every stage of life. I cannot wait for you to hear this episode. Amazing. Welcome to the show today Sandra.

How are you?

Great.

How are you? Thank you for inviting me.

Oh my God. So welcome. So welcome. I'm grateful to have this conversation with you. I want to dive in to all parts of your story. Would you just give everyone a quick synapse as to who you are today and what you do?

I'm an author. My name is Sandra Lena Silverman. I'm 54 years old and wrote my book a couple of years ago. It was released last year. So basically at the age of 53 I started an entirely new life. So my past life I owned a residential lending company with my Ex. We started it in 1998. We decided to separate for the fourth time last summer. So in 2024, we separated in July, and my life literally just took off after that. So it's been an amazing journey. But, yeah, so in my 50s, I started a brand new life.

Oh, I. I mean, I looked at your Instagram. I'm looking at your book. Your book name.

I love.

You're like, my person. What's the title of your.

What's.

What's the title of your book?

From Bullshit to Botox.

Okay, so perfect. Just, like, just say it as it is. I love that. Did you ever have a time where you felt like, okay, if I don't do this by this time, that it's too late in life? Was there a point that you felt like that before or. No. Is that not how.

No, not really. But I can honestly say to you and your listeners that I was living a life that felt like I was an Al in an alternate, like, reality. Like, it didn't even feel like the life I was was supposed to be living. And I felt for my own doing, like, basically a prisoner in my own mind. Like, I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy in the marriage. I know that I should have left in 2009. I didn't purely because of fear. And, you know, at that time, I had small kids. I was afraid. I was afraid of what was on the other side. I had really lost myself so much in the marriage where, you know, leading up to having kids, I was super independent woman and fun and carefree. And then all of a sudden, I find myself in this marriage that was all wrong. I shouldn't have been in the marriage. I knew in 2009, like, it was going in a very bad direction. And instead of taking ownership of my life, I stayed. And I'm hoping for your listeners and other people, you know, that read my books that they take charge of their life and they don't stay because, honestly, I stayed for all the wrong reasons.

Thank you for sharing all that. And where was the turning point where you went? Okay, I know I'm afraid of changing, yet I'm actually more afraid of not moving. Like, where's. Where was that turning point for you?

I would say I stayed in the marriage and I wasn't happy. So we were separated for the third time in 2023, and I was. I still wanted to work it out. I was. I decided to start writing the book then, but I was still scared. So we got back together for a year, and during that year I realized that I was really unhappy, and that's. My book was finished. I was ready to go, and if he hadn't left that summer, I was going to leave. So he left July of 2024. It happened at the right time. If he hadn't done that, I already had it in my head, like, I can't do this anymore. So I would say that summer is probably the Turning Point in 2024, where I was absolutely ready. My book was done. I was ready to take the next step and just kind of, like, live my life the way I wanted to and just kind of take off.

That's amazing. And so now that you did something like that and you, like, overcame the fear, did the jump, made the change, does that help you to be in a space of, like, overcoming the fear faster next time?

A hundred percent. So part of that also, I worked with two life coaches. The first one I started working with in 2023 when we separated, and he basically was like, you have got to get this toxicity out of your life with friends, your ex, everybody. Like, I want you to program his name in your phone under pain. So every time he calls you, you see that word pain. After I was working with him, I was also working with another life coach, really, for my business. So, you know, I had the book written. I wasn't sure what to do. I. I told her I just started the Instagram, where I had 800 followers at this time, and publishers were like, but you don't have a following. You need something. You know what I mean? Like. Cause it's a nonfiction book and nobody knows who you are. So I was working with her, and I'm like, I can't do this, like. And she's like, of course you can. So she made me do so many exercises to literally bring me out of my mental shell to. She was like, of course, if you did this exercise this quickly, why can't you do this? And she was right. So I started slowly with the Instagram with where I was posting videos that pertain to my book, things I talked about in the book, but I was too afraid to talk. Last January, I found a social media company to kind of help me elevate the page. And I. The first time I worked with them in their studio, they're like, you're going to talk today. And I was like, no, no, no, I can't talk. I can't talk. That's so scary. And they're like, we don't care what you say. It was a disaster. We would, like, if I Said three lines. I don't know. We stopped and started for, like, an hour. And now it's a lot. It just comes natural. But it took time, and I was so afraid of the camera. And at the same time, I started working with the media coaches, so they helped a lot as well. And it just kind of went from there. So now I'm no longer afraid of the camera. But all these things that if you asked me a couple of years ago, I would have been like, okay, I didn't even know I was gonna write a book. I certainly didn't know I was gonna have a following on Instagram when I had 800 followers. And I never thought in a million years I was gonna talk in front of the camera.

And you're doing all of it. I think that's a great example for anybody who is listening. Like, you can look back and almost be like, wow, like, look at what I've done. Look at how far I've come. And there is no cap on the age of when you can reinvent yourself.

Absolutely not. Because some of my followers, they're in their 70s, and they're doing these amazing things on Instagram, like, they're fashion models and doing. And I'm like, wow. Like, this is so inspiring, because you can. With social media and YouTube, you could do anything that you want at any age.

I think that we can sit in the box for so long and think that I'm too late for this or I'm too whatever. But you're right. You're exactly right. Now, you said. Did I hear this correctly? Like, January of 2024, you had 800 followers.

No, it was 20. Yes. Not January. I'm sorry. It was.

But 2024.

20, yes. So this April of 2024, I had 800 followers. And I'm like, what am I gonna do? Because the publishers are like, well, I mean, yeah, we can help you with your book. But I ended up not using a traditional publisher. And the reason for that is. Cause I felt like what I was writing about was more time sensitive. And I really. I didn't want to wait, like, another year, year and a half because the book was finished. So I ended up going with a company called Palmetto Publishing and for self publishing, So I could control the release date, and I could control the actual. The COVID of the book. And. But still, I went down that route of talking to publishers, and they're like, you need a following. And then I thought, well, they're right, because who's gonna read my book if I don't have a following. So I found this company, it was a marketing company that helped me do like a massive DM campaigns to promote the book. And so that helped so much. And then I did a really big campaign while it was for like on pre sale for the Kindle. So I did a huge like campaign of like 3 million people and it became a bestseller like the first week. And I was like, this is just crazy.

Okay. So like, like we're literally talking about reinventing on all of us.

The whole thing. The whole thing. Reinvention. Wow.

And that's why I asked that because there's a lot of, like, what I hear is a lot of identity work that you had to do to see yourself as that version, right? Like, yes. And I think that's something I would love to know because if you're in a space where in, you know, say even a year and a half ago, you had 800 followers and you have what now?

Five. A little over 500,000.

Yeah. And so it's not about the numbers, but it's. It's just. I want to put paint a picture in a sense. Like that's a massive identity shift to go from 800 to this, to be able to get your book out into this many people and share it. Like, I've worked with authors, we actually help publish books. So this is.

I understand.

Yeah, I do, I understand. Like so many people. There's some great self publishing ways that you can do your book. There really is. But either way, you still have to be able to share it, promote it and put it out. Right? Like you want people to read it. You really, that's why you're doing it. But the identity piece of even being an author, was there a point of identity wise where it was like, okay, I'm excited. My book's out there. And then like, holy crap. Like is now it's out there. What was that process like for you?

That part felt great. And I think maybe because I was what I was writing about, I know about these procedures and beauty treatments so well because I've done them from so many years. So I have so much experience and knowledge. So the part of writing the book just seemed natural. A natural progression where I'm just gonna share this with everybody because they can use it kind of as a guide. I'll have experts in the book to share. Exactly. Step by step, each process, each procedure, what the expectations are, you know, is there scarring, is there downtime, whatever. And so the whole first part of the book is all about external beauty. The second part of the book is about internal beauty. And I talk about life coaching and holistic treatments and things like that where not everybody's going to want to go in and have surgery, but there are alternative beauty treatments as well. And. But I also wanted people to realize where I was so focused on the external part. Cuz I wasn't happy that I skipped the internal part. And then once I realized, okay, externally I'm done all this and I'm still not happy, something's gotta give, like I need to like wake up. And that's when I went through the whole like internal part, which really, it should have been flipped.

I know, but it never is. That's not how it works. We tend to do it one way and then it's like, oh wait, that's a missing piece. Mm, that's identity work. And that's what you're talking about there. Like if people could, you know, sometimes we wanna fix things so badly, but we also have to do the inner work to see ourselves as that version to actually like change that identity. So you talked there about like you skipped the internal part and I know you kind of just hinted at it, but how do you catch now when you're not looking at the internal part first?

I have to be very careful. And people have asked me, even now they're like, would you have another surgery? Would you do this? And the answer is only if I absolutely have to. So yeah. So I've done all these things because I know it didn't really bring me the kind of happiness that I thought that it would. So I have to be very careful and like, just focus on making sure that I'm completely balanced. And because I know that it's so easy to go down like a rabbit hole at any moment. So it's all consistency. So I'm very consistent with my workouts, with my diet. I mean, I'm a very boring person when it comes to food because I pretty much eat the same things every day, same just, just to like keep the calorie count low and that sort of thing. So I'm just extremely consistent. Cause if I'm not, I know that just a month of not being consistent, I'm not gonna feel great, I'm not gonna feel the way that I should, I'm not gonna feel balanced. So I try to stay very consistent with workouts. My sleep pattern, the nutrition, the training that I do, the weight training and that sort of thing. And you know, and just kind of also spending time by myself, like where I walk or I'll just started meditating recently.

I'm still working on that. But yes.

Yeah, I went to a meditation with my friend, and I posted it, and people were, like, laughing, like friends. They were, like, damning me. This. This is for real. Like, you really went there. And I was, like, actually enjoyed it, you know, and just, like, staying consistent with those things.

Mm, beautiful. So when you're in a space that you were like, you. How you were just sharing that. Can we then take that a little bit further back and talk about the first part of the book? So when women are wanting to do, like, external work on themselves, and, boy, is there a lot of opinions one way or the other. Like, this is. And so I would just love for you to share a little bit of your journey and your book.

When it pertains to this. I feel like women can do as much work as they want as long as they're doing it for themselves and to make themselves happy. And not doing that because they're on social media and this person they feel looks better than them or they have a significant other that's telling them that they aren't good enough for me. When I started, the first procedure was breast augmentation. I was 27. I had met my ex when I was 26. And the first month into the relationship, he had looked at me one day just out of the blue, and he was like, oh, your body's soft and you need to go to the gym. Well, I didn't know. I was like, really? Because, no, I never felt like there was anything wrong with me until that moment. And I know it doesn't sound like a big thing that he said that, but subconsciously, it crushed me. Like, it changed the whole relationship in my mind where I felt like I. Now I no longer. Even though it was a month in, I really didn't feel safe with this person. And I'm sure I should have left, but I, you know, I didn't know because, you know, I was young and we had talked about starting our business together, like, two months into the relationship. And, you know, and he would also say nice things as well. So I just thought, okay, I guess I need to go to the gym. But I think subconsciously that really messed with my head. And he would also talk about an ex that he had dated before me who had this perfect body and she had perfect size D boobs, and she had this and she had that. Even though he didn't stay with her, I felt like, okay, well, maybe I should look better because. And then that's how it all started.

It's not hard. It's not hard. Subconsciously. We, you hear it and we like part of what we do is we take that perception on as that. It's like that's, that's speaking about me. Like, that's what I thought. It's about me. And whether it is or isn't, it's very normal to take that on.

It is. And now like moving forward, I would never, like, if I date somebody now and they say one negative thing, I won't tolerate it. I won't. I've had a few people that I dated since the separation where one person in particular just kept talking about my age because I was older than him. And I was like, I can't do this anymore. You know what I mean? Like, I, I'm do not want to talk about my age anymore. And then I met another person in September, same thing. Like he was just, you know, would make these references and I mean, he would say nice things too. But I'm like, you know what? This is exactly what I had before and I'm not doing it. So unless the person is like complimentary and they're staying like consistent with me, I won't. And I've had other people like stay consistent. I've even dated younger guys than the, the one that was complaining about my agent of thinking, well, how come they're not saying anything about my age but you are. You know, it's just crazy to me.

Some people have different insecurities, like own internal issues. Right. And so then they just keep projecting that back on you.

Oh, exactly. And that person now is with somebody and he treats her so bad. I mean, I hear it because she, that person knows a friend of mine and he says the most God awful things to her and I'm like, thank God that that's all he said to me. And I walked away. Because you're right.

Yeah, no, it's, it's actually, it's interesting because I, I feel like what happened is I'm like, I heard you say, you know, I should have left sooner, but like, you wouldn't be able to do the work you're doing today if you hadn't walked through all of that, like your book wouldn't be like it. And I know it's like there are times we look back and think, God, I wish I could have learned this faster. Like, why did this take me so long to learn it? But I'm sure that like, I know we're not the only ones, but it was necessary to get to do the work that we're doing now.

Right. I wouldn't have the platform at all. Nope. If I didn't have all those experiences, I wouldn't have been able to write my book, because I probably wouldn't even have gone down that rabbit hole to begin with. Of procedures. And for sure, I wouldn't have the second book that hasn't been released yet. That's from bullshit to broken hearts. It's all about my marriage, narcissism. I mean, all the books are very humorous, but a lot of serious topics, but. But written in a humorous way, so they're easy reads. I for sure wouldn't have that content.

No.

I mean, he gave me the best content of my life.

When I get hateful content and hateful comments in my DMs, which still happens quite often, and I always share it with my clients. Just so. It's like. Just so you, like, know, you think that it stops. It doesn't stop. There are people that will say things that. It's like, wow. And I often sit back and I. I put it in my stories. I'm like, thank you for the content. You've given me content for my podcast. You have given me content for, like, sharing in my koshi containers. This is amazing. Thank you. So, yeah, thank you.

I had a lady the other day on the show on YouTube make a rude comment, and I told my assistant, I'm like, reach back out to her and ask her if she wants to be a guest on the show so she can explain why she feels the way she does about me. So we'll see. I don't. I don't know if she replied back, but I just invited her on as a guest.

But even there, do you see how, like, that is? Like, that's a huge growth thing. It's like you're taking something that you're obviously triggering in them and say, okay, have a seat.

Yeah, let's discuss it and tell me why.

Yeah, that's.

But that.

I mean, most people who are going to be negative about someone else are not going to sit face to face and have this conversation.

Right.

They're going to do it behind a screen where they feel safe.

Well, I would love for her to come on. Well, we'll see. Maybe she will.

No, absolutely. So even your, Even your approach there feels like light.

It's life sense of, like, everything is light. The books are light. The. The show is light. Because that's what I've realized, too. I'm not this unhappy, dark person that I Turned into. During this marriage, like, I turned into somebody that I didn't even recognize, I didn't even know with my whole personality, because I was always this carefree person. Like, I grew up watching fairy tales, so, you know, I was always this, like, carefree person. Didn't care about much. Like, just kind of floated around, like, went with the flow. And then I turned into this unhappy person who was, like, a control freak. And I'm like, wait, what's going on? Who are you? Wow. But now I've gotten back to my old self. Thank goodness I found her again.

That's good.

That's good.

I'm glad. I'm curious. Do you get much pushback from women when it comes to cosmetic work?

The only time was I was in People magazine and Daily Mail, and I got a lot of negative comments. More. So they were talking because in the article, there was a picture of myself with my kids, and they were talking about my daughter, and they were like, oh, you're a bad influence on her. And I know it's a fine line, And I don't 100% disagree with that, because there were times when she was younger where I would look in the mirror and be like, oh, my God, I look so fat today. And I'm on the scale, like, a million times a day. And she started doing that. Yep. And when that happened, I was like, no, no, no, no. Like, I need to stop. So I stopped with the scale. I stopped, you know, making those negative comments about myself. Well, so those types of things, like, there have been times where I don't think I was, like, the best influence on my child. But I corrected, so I course corrected. And she's great. Like, she has no interest in plastic surgery, you know, and she has her own thing going. She's a very successful dancer and looks amazing. So. But yeah, I would say there probably. There's probably some truth to that. When I got the negative comments from the People magazine article.

Yeah. Some women, I. I can see some women, like, being in that space.

And.

And sometimes it's more. Because I don't know if we just don't understand it, or is it that we've also seen some very extreme cases of people who. With cosmetic surgery.

Well, yeah. And that's the thing. Like, you have to know, like, there's a mind.

Yeah.

So you can. I've had so much work done, but I don't look like a crazy person. So nobody would look at me and be like, oh, my God, she's had all this crazy work done because you have to know, like, first of all, you need to go to the right people. You need to go to somebody that specializes in whatever you're having done. So if it's a facelift, don't go to somebody that does facelifts and tummy tucks and mommy makeovers. Go to somebody that just focuses on the face. And I feel like if you keep that in mind when you're looking for those, like, the right surgeon, chances are you're not gonna really get, like, a botched job unless you take it too far, where you're getting a facelift every couple of years or whatever it is. So you just have to be careful, like, there is a fine line. And also know that you have to do these things for you. And if you're not, that's a problem. And some people get obsessed. And also because they're looking at social media and they're looking at AI characters and they're taking those pictures into their surgeon's office. And, like, I wanna look like this. Like, you have to be realistic. Mm.

It's. And some people still don't know. Like, it's like that. That's AI. You're comparing yourself to something that was computer generated, that's not even a person,

but it happens a lot. And you also have to be realistic. Like, I'm 54. I know I'm never gonna look 30 again. I'm never, ever gonna have the same skin that I had when I was 30. Can I maintain the way I look now for, like, the next 15 to 20 years? Probably, yeah, I think that I can. But I'm never gonna be able to reverse back that far, and I'm okay with it.

Yeah, that's just a different perspective that I don't think is always discussed. One of the things you did say in the notes and things that I went through is like, what is it? I'm curious, from your perspective, what does it mean to age with confidence?

I feel like aging with confidence is that you're looking at the aging process where you are being realistic and you're okay. Like, you're so strong with yourself, like, internally that you're okay with what I just said. Like, I know that I can't reverse back to being 30 years old and know that it doesn't matter. Like, the age doesn't really make a difference. It's how you really feel about yourself, really on the inside. And I feel like I finally have gotten there where I'm okay being 54, almost 55. I feel like I'm finally Happy and balanced. And I'm not really searching for any other type of happiness like I was in the past. So I feel like aging with confidence. It's pretty much like how you feel about yourself, you know, internally.

Yeah. And I mean, I know you have already answered it, but I. I don't know if you can relate to this and if this lands. Like, I actually feel so different in my 50s than my 40s to me, like, even outside of other things that have happened, et cetera. But there's just this level of, like, I know who I am now, and I do not have a problem in, like, and showing up and being her a hundred percent.

I have so much more confidence now than I did in my 40s and for a lot of different reasons. I. Besides being in the unhappy relationship, I didn't understand how to navigate menopause and like, perimenopause and all of these changes because 20s and 30s, I got away with so much. Like, I didn't have to work out as hard. I could eat what I want. All of that changed in my 40s, and I didn't understand how to navigate that. And the biggest thing that I learned in my was about lymphatic work. I didn't understand all these procedures and surgeries that I had probably messed with my lymphatic system because all of a sudden I'm puffy now. Like, even though I had a facelift, my face is still puffy. Like, it didn't make sense to me. Once I realized that my lymphatic system didn't work and I had to incorporate that in my daily routine, everything changed. I'm not puffy anymore. Everything, you know, looks better, looks different. And I didn't understand any of that in my 40s, so it just didn't make sense to me. I'm like, wait, why is my face puffy? Why does it look like this? Why are there all these facial changes? And my body's changing so drastically. And I didn't understand, like, how to, like, prevent it, stop it. And I feel like now I do. So I have a big grasp on that and I'm feel so much better, you know, at this age.

No, I love that. And it's interesting because I. My Instagram, my algorithm has definitely picked up a lot of lymphatic work and, like, certain ways to start your day for work. Like, apparently that's what I'm searching for because it's all over my algorithm right now. It's fascinating. I've been doing like a series. It's about 10 minutes every day to start the day. And I like, it does feel different.

It does. And you feel probably less puffy, I would imagine. Like you're not really feeling like you have so much inflammation. I know for me, I don't really have a lot of inflammation anymore like I used to.

No. And I mean, as we do age, our joints change, things change. So if we can support ourselves lymphatically, it's only going to help everything else.

Yeah. And women need to realize, like, it's all like we were talking about before, about consistency, but you really need to incorporate certain things that are non negotiable into your day. And I'm a big believer in the lymphatic. I'm a big believer in the nutritional part where you're eating enough protein. So many people, they don't even understand that you sh. Women should have at least a hundred grams a day if you want to build muscle. And it's really important to do the weight training for 40s and 50s and beyond because you need that muscle. And a lot of people still are doing like Pilates and they're running or, you know, doing their cardio and that's great. But you need to incorporate the weight training as well and the lymphatic work. I would say those three things are a hundred percent non negotiable.

Amazing. With all those things that you're doing now, how do you also support your mindset with like the amount that you're doing? You've got another book coming out, your platform's still growing. You're, you know, you're out here on podcasts with your.

Yeah, it's not that easy actually. It's. When you, when you say it like that, it sounds overwhelming. It's time blocking. And you know, I've helped too. I have an assistant that helps me so much. But it's a lot of time blocking and just staying consistent. Like, I just, I, I don't have time to go off the rails. Like, I wish that, you know, some days I could, but, you know, but yeah, a lot of it's the time blocking. Cause I'm on vacation right now and still doing the podcast, still working every day. So I'm not really taking much time off, which is fine because I love it. So to me, it doesn't feel like work. And I feel like once you find something that you love, it's not ever going to feel like work.

No, it doesn't. And it is you. You nailed it there. Exactly. Because there are times where I will Take time off. But then I'll take one hour or two hours and I will go and I can like, I can get like four hours of work done. That would be in that time. But when you love what you do, it's huge.

Exactly. So. And for you. So it just doesn't feel like work.

No, it doesn't. It doesn't. So I'm curious, with all of the changes you talked about, the physical changes that you've gone through, then we've got a lot of internal changes that you have gone through. How has that changed your self worth? And what do you wish more women knew about self worth?

I didn't love myself. Myself. I didn't. People would tell me, like, know your self worth. Know your self worth. And I'm like, I would sit there and I was like, I don't even know what my self worth is at this point because I. I was just so confused. And now I understand and now I can talk about it and help other women as well. You have to figure out how a way to love yourself and choose you. Because if you don't choose you, nobody else is choosing you. Like people, you're going to. It's like laws of attraction. You're going to attract what you put out there. And if you don't love yourself, why should somebody else? And that's. It took me a long time to realize that. And then once I got there, I'm like, you know what? I am choosing me. Like, I will refuse to have, you know, certain people in my life. And, you know, I want to live it a certain way and I have a vision for it and I'm not stopping.

Hmm, that's beautiful. So as you did that, you can feel so self worth to you, the way you can describe it is like, it's like actually loving and valuing yourself.

Yeah, choosing you, not choosing. Like, I chose to stay in that relationship. I didn't choose me. And I don't mean like, choose yourself where you're not taking care of your kids. I just mean choose you. Like, do you deserve this? Like, do you. Should you be in this environment? And it may not even be with a significant other. It could just be with friendships.

Oh, a hundred percent. I was actually, it's as I was talking to a friend today who has had, you know, she's in her 40s and she's noticing how some of the friendships are changing. And I said, but. But they should fall away if they're

not the right words.

I know it doesn't feel great, but they should fall away because you want to continue to surround yourself with people where it's a good fit, like they pour into you, they believe in you, vice versa. But it's normal for those circles to change.

I work with a relationship coach. Her name is Spicy Mari and she's amazing. So if any of your listeners want to follow her, she's so good. And she explained to me so perfectly. Like in. Let's say you're. You're starting a new relationship and both people are making deposits into the relationship. So you go out a couple times, you each put a hundred dollars into the. To the bank account. And if something happens that's not great on your part or their part, there's a major withdrawal from that account. And the same with like your friendships. Like you're constantly making deposits and, you know, something happens, like something small or something minor with the friendship. Yeah, there could be like a little bit of withdrawal, but you still have money left into the account. But if it's like massive and all the money's gone, then you need to leave that relationship or friendship.

That is such great advice. I was just talking to a different friend who was going through a really difficult time. They had a loss in their family. And she said, you know what? It was wild to me because the people that I thought would actually reach out to support never did. And some of the best support came from people that I wasn't expecting it from. So it's like, it's just sometimes being open that it can come from places that you don't even expect it to.

Right. And you have to look at those things because maybe those people aren't the right people to stay in your life. And you know, we. During college, you make all these friends and you're all on the same playing field. And then by the time you're in your 40s, people change so much. And if they're no longer. You're a cheerleader, you can't stay in that friendship.

No. And I love what you're sharing because I think this is really important. I feel that if we. I'm going to say women for a second. If we could prioritize ourselves, like love on ourselves, to take care of ourselves, whatever that looks like, that will raise our self worth. And when our self worth rises, it gets easier to pour back into ourselves. And it's like this beautiful cycle.

Yes. And also pour into other people as well. Because if you don't love yourself, like, how are you loving others? Yeah.

You can't.

And why should they love you? Because you don't care about you.

Oh, ouch. It's so true, though.

I mean, really, like, when you think about it. Yeah.

It starts from. And I mean, you can't give from an empty cup either, right? If the cup is, like, bone dry, I would say that you can't. If the cup is bone dry, you have nothing to give to others. And unfortunately, moms can sometimes fall into that trap where it is giving, giving, giving, and. And having nothing left for themselves.

And that's. Yeah, that's exactly what was happening to me. I had nothing left. Only because. And I was always, like, really good to my friends. And, like, I don't want to say, like, I haven't been a good friend because I've been, you know, really good friends to people. But in terms of, like, I was so depleted in this relationship, like, every day. I didn't know if I. It was. I was in flight or fight every day because my ex was constantly either leaving or trying to leave. So every week it's like, oh, I'm not happy. I don't wanna stay. I don't wanna do this. And I didn't even know what to expect from week to week, day to day. Like, I don't even know how I did it. I don't even know how. I don't have medical issues from this because my cortisol level had to have been so high. I don't even know how I did it. Cause I know right now the person I am now. I would never be able to repeat that.

Yeah, I was gonna ask you that.

Like, that is.

When you're in a constant fight or flight, it takes your nervous system time to learn how to not be in a fight or flight. So I. I mean, I was just gonna ask you, how did you recover from that? But it's almost like. I don't know. Just. I would. I wouldn't do that again. But have you been in a situation at all where it's like, you feel that fight or flight pop up and it's like. Oh, like, radar. Not going this way. Yeah.

With the person. Okay. So I haven't been in a serious relationship, like, serious committed relationship since the breakup. But I have dated and I felt. And this is how spicy. Mari has helped me realize she's like, every person that you've met because you aren't doing the internal work that you need to do for you is an extension of your ex. So you had a broke version of him. You had an Arab version of him, you had an Indian version of him. You Had Hamptons. I met a guy in the Hamptons version of him. And she was like, we have to stop this. Like, this is it. Like, we have. Like, every guy is like a version of your ex. So I started working with her. She was a guest on my show, and I loved her so much, I started working with her. So all the exercises that we're doing now, I'm, like, completely aware of what. Exactly what she's saying and, you know, just kind of like, being, like, so aware of that. It's helped. So now moving forward, the people that I meet, I'm very, very picky. Like, if I see one little thing, like, I'm. I'm out, which has to be like that.

I. I totally understand. There are times where I'm somewhere and I'm like, this is not gonna work. This is not the right people. And I know it's not, and that's okay. Like, we can have people that expand us and trigger us to show us what's possible, but not trigger us to tear us down, Right?

No, exactly. Yeah. And not all these people were like that. I'm just saying, for one way or another, she's like, they all were similar, and they all had some characteristics of my ex, which is normal, because I'm with this person for 27 years. So I'm going to gravitate now. I'm not doing that now. I'm gravitating toward people that are completely different. So. Which is good, because that's where I need to be.

That's okay.

I completely understand.

So you have another book coming out. Tell us again what it is in

From Bullshit to Broken Hearts. It'll be out in 2026. And that's all about. It's going to be super juicy. It's all about my marriage and narcissism and dating at 53 and the journey. And it's good. It's funny, but it's, you know, very informative. And I hope that women who read that are going to feel empowered to not. So they don't stay in these toxic relationships or even friendships that they choose themselves and get out.

So I think that's. I think it's so powerful. I really do. I feel like that is a message that so many people can take home. Because whether it is family or friends or partners, that it's like you, you know, coming to a space of you believing that you deserve better and knowing you deserve better a hundred percent. Oh, amazing. Amazing. So where can people connect and learn more about you?

My website is Sandra Lena Silverman. And everything's on my website. The show, it's called Parties Over Show. It's on YouTube. The vlogs. Yeah. So everything's on. I say it all the time. So it was like, perfect, Perfect title for the show. And my Instagram is Sandra Lena Silverman. So either way, everything's listed on both. Either the show or the Instagram or website. My book is on Amazon and Barnes and Noble and for the US and then a bunch of platforms outside of the US Amazing.

And I can't wait to dive into it. And then also your second book. I just think there's so much power in that. And I love seeing women share a message that is, you know, this is who they are. This is what we're here to do and not like getting smaller and hiding and actually using your voice for a platform. I love it.

Thank you. Thank you so much for inviting me.

Oh, my God, you're so welcome. I have one more quick question for you, and it is, what lesson in life are you most grateful for?

I'm grateful for the lesson to actually learn that you have to love yourself. And that's something, like I said, I didn't do for so long. And that's like the number one lesson I can tell anybody, any age. Like, you have to love yourself.

Mm, I love that. And can I ask you, is that something that your kids can see in you now?

A hundred percent. I'm sure they haven't said, but I'm sure that they see that I'm way happier, even though I shielded them from a lot and I would put on a happy face and basically pretend. But I think now they can see because they can see my whole life has changed, like, in front of everyone's eyes. So, you know, people are like, wait, what just happened? So that. Yeah, they can see what? That I'm doing something that I love. And.

Oh, I love it. I love it. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for sharing everything that you did.

Thank you so much. This is great.

Thank you so much for tuning in tuning in to another episode of Own youn Choices, Own youn Life. If you love this episode, I invite you to tag me on social media with your takeaways or share it with a friend. Please. If you Feel called, take 30 seconds to leave a five star review and I will be forever grateful. Until next time. Remember, when you own your choices, you truly own your life.