COLD OPEN

NARRATOR

It's another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis; where the superheroes save the day and the lawyers save the superheroes!

But today, young Harper Hallo is going to get a good hard look at a different side of the law, and meet some very different players in the legal game! But they still may have a chance to help someone — a young woman by the name of Melissa, who’s now meeting with her lawyer, the Allitigator!

MELISSA

I don’t understand why it needs to go to court at all! Isn’t this what insurance is for?

ALLITIGATOR

Yes, Ms. Hodge, and your insurance company is handling it. After all, they’re the ones who hired me. We simply do not believe you were at fault for the accident.

MELISSA

I mean, I don’t think I was. I was just driving, I didn’t see anything! But--

ALLITIGATOR

Ma’am, do you trust your insurance company?

MELISSA

[beat]

Do I have to answer that?

ALLITIGATOR

Okay, yes, stupid question. Do you trust the American court system?

MELISSA

Buddy, you’re really not helping your case here.

ALLITIGATOR

Okay, that’s fair too, but listen. I promise you that in this specific instance, we are committed to achieving a fair outcome. We’ll ensure the correct party is held liable for this terrible accident.

MELISSA

…. they just don’t want to pay for the repairs, do they.

ALLITIGATOR

Bingo.

[THEME SONG]

SCENE 1

[Harper comes home to their apartment]

HARPER

[unlocking door, talking to themself]

Ok, drop off my stuff, then hit the grocery store, then Fed Courts reading — ugh, maybe I shouldn’t have taken that this semester, it just sounded so interesting…

[gets door open]

HAZEL

Heyyy, Harper! Guess what?

HARPER

[distracted]

What?

HAZEL

You’ve got mail! A chance to save the day in a whole new way!

HARPER

...Oh?

[sound of paper handed over, then Harper’s more interested]

Jury duty?

HAZEL

Yep! Guess you’re getting some hands-on learning!

HARPER

Oh, awesome!

HAZEL

Y’know, I had a feeling you were gonna say that, but it doesn’t make it any less weird to hear.

HARPER

What? How’s it weird?

HAZEL

Nobody likes jury duty! Everyone else tries to get out of it!

HARPER

Not everyone! I’m sure you wouldn’t!

HAZEL

Harp, I have a Philosophy of Art term paper to finish and I keep getting called away to deal with universal discontinuities. If I got called to sit on a jury right now, I would immediately come down with a mysterious case of diarrhea.

HARPER

Fine, fine, you’re busy. But I’m sure the average person without your schedule would jump at the chance to help out!

[completely genuine]

It’s only one of the most important duties of citizenship! Oh, Bonnie and Cole are gonna be so jealous! I’m gonna learn so much!

HAZEL

I guess that makes sense that this would be exciting for a lawyer. Absolutely not for laypeople, though. You know even Helen tried to get out of jury duty last month?

HARPER

The Helen who’s so eager to help she’s cool with being called Cherub after you?

HAZEL

That Helen. That reminds me, she may be Cherub sooner than we thought! Mom thinks I’ll be ready to put aside the tiny harp and be The Halo in the next several months!

HARPER

When did you start carrying a harp?

HAZEL

It’s a figure of speech.

HARPER

…Is it?

HAZEL

Yeah, it’s a figure of speech that I just made up. Anyway, come on, say something!

HARPER

About the fact that you’re gonna be jumping in front of meteors within the year? That’s… definitely big news. What changed?

HAZEL

Nothing changed, I’ve just been nailing my training, saving the day repeatedly, generally impressing the Guardians…

HARPER

[hesitant]

I guess that’s fair. And how do you… feel? About all of this?

HAZEL

Come on, you know I’m pumped to be a full-fledged super!

HARPER

I guess I do know that.

HAZEL

You don’t sound very happy for me.

HARPER

I am! It’s just… are you sure you’re ready?

HAZEL

[a little hurt/annoyed at the lack of support, but might just be teasing]

You know, I support your weird love of jury duty.

HARPER

[apologetic]

Sorry, you’re right. I know you’ll be great. I just worry! I don’t wanna be twinless just because some aliens start a war with Earth. Again.

HAZEL

And you won’t. You know mom won’t let me take on her mantle until I’m ready. And it’s not like I don’t have backup.

HARPER

Yeah, that’s… not as comforting as you think it is.

HAZEL

[teasing]

Oh? No faith in Duperman and Ratman?

HARPER

Yeah, you see a very different side of those two at the firm.

HAZEL

And if you would just share some of that gossip…

HARPER

I can’t–

HAZEL

[dramatic sigh]

I know, I know, privilege or whatever. Anyway. Here’s your damn summons. Have fun getting out of work and class. At least there’s that.

HARPER

[a little distraught, even sad]

Oh yeah, I’ll have to miss work....

HAZEL

You are so weird.

SCENE 2

[Harper shows up at the Smith offices with a spring in their step. LOIS notices.]

LOIS

Mx. Hallo, you’re here early.

HARPER

Morning, LOIS! Who do I need to talk to about taking time off?

LOIS

You must clear it with your supervisors, and alert me once you reach an agreement so that I can put it in the calendar.

HARPER

Awesome, thank you!

LOIS

Certainly. Did you win a cruise or something?

HARPER

What? No.

LOIS

Then why do you look like someone just gave you an immortal puppy?

HARPER

Oh, I got jury duty! I won’t be able to come into the office during the day on Monday, maybe longer.

LOIS

[dry]

Jury duty. Jury duty is the reason you’re skipping like you’re on the yellow brick road.

HARPER

Yes! I’m excited! Think how much I’ll learn! And I’ll have a real voice in the outcome of a case! Not that I don’t have that here, but it’s a different way of making a difference!

LOIS

It’s different, all right. You’ll learn aaalll about court. See what it’s really like.

HARPER

[genuine]

Exactly!

LOIS

If you make it that far. Talk to Ms. Firestein or Ms. Castillo about Monday. I doubt you’ll need more than that.

HARPER

How come?

LOIS

A hunch.

HARPER

Do AIs get hunches?

LOIS

[sarcastic]

I’ll ask all the other ones in our weekly meeting.

HARPER

[genuine]

There are weekly AI meetings? How do you get to those? You can’t leave the law firm.

LOIS

… Mx. Hallo, sometimes I can’t tell whether you’re screwing with me.

HARPER

What? I would never! I’m always completely sincere!

LOIS

That is genuinely amazing.

HARPER

LOIS, I hope you know that I have the utmost respect for you as a colleague —

LOIS

No, no, we are not doing this. Go find your bosses and tell them about your jury duty.

HARPER

Alright, if you say so. As long as you know that you’re a star!

LOIS

[affectionately irritated]

Yes, yes, thank you, Birdbrain.

SCENE 3

HARPER

...so I’m not gonna be able to make it into the office on Monday, sorry about that. But I’ll come back with more experience and firsthand knowledge of what it’s like to go to court!

COLE

[lying]

Uhhhh, yeah. I’m sure you will.

BONNIE

[also lying]

Yeah! I’m sure it’ll be… great!

HARPER

Well, that’s less enthusiasm than I was expecting. Do you guys also think it’s weird that I’m excited? I thought other law professionals would understand!

BONNIE

Hey, we do! It’d be kinda cool to be on a jury!

COLE

[dreamily]

I’d make all those lawyers cry.

[normal]

But, well… Bonnie, didn’t you just get jury duty like a month ago?

BONNIE

Yep. I was out of there in an hour.

COLE

Yeah, sorry, kid, but I’m not sure how much you’ll learn from the process of not getting picked.

BONNIE

I dunno, I learned a lot about how uncomfortable those chairs are.

HARPER

Why would I not get picked?

BONNIE

You’re a lawyer, or nearly so.

COLE

No one wants a lawyer on their jury.

BONNIE

Well, no one with doubts about their own case. Or who thinks lawyers are untrustworthy.

COLE

No one wants a lawyer on their jury.

HARPER

Oh… yeah, I guess that makes sense.

BONNIE

But hey, you know what, we’ll clear your schedule for Monday, and hold off on assigning anything urgent to you for next week.

COLE

Yeah, you never know! Just answer the questions honestly, you might get lucky.

HARPER

[perking up]

That’s true! After all, maybe they’ll be confident about their cases, and I’m sure if I can show them I’m genuine and trustworthy, they won’t hold my career against me.

BONNIE and COLE

…. yeah!

HARPER

What kinds of questions do you think they’ll ask?

COLE

Oh, you know. What do you do for a living.

BONNIE

What are you in school for.

COLE

Any family in law enforcement.

BONNIE

Do you know any superheroes.

HARPER

[Trying to hide nerves and applicability]

Wait, supers? I mean, uh. Is that legal? To ask that?

BONNIE

Sure.

HARPER

But secret identities! What if your-- what if you know someone with a license?

COLE

Oh, they can't ask who you know.

BONNIE

Yeah, they can't make you tell them how you know them, what hero they are, or even if the one you know is you.

COLE

But for whether you know any at all, there's long standing precedent letting them ask about it.

HARPER

Oh. I, uh. Didn't know that. It's interesting.

BONNIE

Is it?

COLE

[pause, then this exchange gets very ominous. They’re (half-jokingly) worried, trying to warn Harper without scaring them]

Hey Harper, you’ve sat in on a few cases at the courthouse, right?

HARPER

Yes.

COLE

Ever spend much time there outside of Smith cases?

BONNIE

[catches on]

Oh, yeah, that’s a good point. Like in the halls? Without us with you?

HARPER

Uh, not really.

COLE

[to Bonnie]

I mean, you know who’s always at the courthouse, right?

BONNIE

Yeah, the kid’s bound to run into them if they’re there all day.

COLE

They’ll probably recognize Harper from when we’ve gone there together.

BONNIE

Yeah, no pretending to be one of the crowd. You know how good they are with faces.

COLE

I don’t know if Harper’s ready.

BONNIE

I don’t think they have a choice.

COLE

Yeah, I suppose it’s inevitable.

BONNIE

Inescapable.

HARPER

[nervous]

What are you talking about?

COLE

Oh, it’s nothing.

COLE and HARPER

[Cole speaking normally, Harper with resigned understanding]

Don't worry about it.

BONNIE and HARPER

[Bonnie speaking normally, Harper with resigned understanding]

I'm sure you'll be fine.

[beat]

BONNIE

Uh…

HARPER

You guys end a lot of conversations like this.

COLE

Huh.

SCENE 4

[Harper arrives at the courthouse. Outdoor noises, traffic, people.]

HARPER

[to self]

Ok, you got this. Project impartiality and honesty, and they’ll let you on the jury.

[beat]

And whatever else Bonnie and Cole were talking about, they were just teasing you, no one’s gonna recognize you–

TRE

Hey–

[Harper squeaks, startled]

Uh… you okay?

HARPER

[embarrassed]

I’m fine! Sorry! Do you need something?

TRE

Uh, yeah. I…was going to ask if you work here? I don’t know where I’m supposed to be. Jury duty?

HARPER

Oh, uh. Me too! And I don’t know.

JURY WRANGLER

[shouts from afar--they’re bored, tired, and so used to the same questions every time that they don’t need to hear the whole thing, interrupts every time]

Jurors numbered 572 through 604, please gather over here!

HARPER

Oh! Uh.

[paper shuffle as they check]

583, that’s me! You?

TRE

602.

HARPER

Then we found it!

[walks quickly toward the voice, crowd sounds louder]

TRE

[getting fainter as Harper move s away]

You go on, I’m not in a hurry…

PIKE

Excuse me! Do you know how long this is going to be? My boss--

WRANGLER

It takes as long as it takes. For now just gather here and tell me your name.

JAY

Do you at least know how long it’ll be before we know whether we’re picked? I need to arrange a babysitter--

WRANGLER

I don’t know anything more. Just give me your names and juror numbers and go on in through security.

[grumbling from the crowd as they give them their names and walk inside]

HARPER

Hi! Uh, Harper Hallo? Number 583!

WRANGLER

All right, thank you, go on in and wait inside on the other side of security.

HARPER

Are we waiting for you? Or will someone else--

WRANGLER

Someone will direct you when it’s time.

TRE

And when will that--

WRANGLER

When it’s time. Name?

TRE

Tre Moe.

[Harper goes inside and we hear brief security sounds, a soft beep from the metal detector, then a weirder sound]

HARPER

What’s that?

SECURITY GUARD

New psychic ability detector.

HARPER

Oh, cool! You didn’t have this last time I was here.

SECURITY GUARD

It’s new.

HARPER

How does it work?

SECURITY GUARD

Hopefully better than the last one.

HARPER

Oh, what went wrong with the last one?

SECURITY GUARD

It made me go bald. Next!

HARPER

Ok, thank you! I’m sorry about your hair! Oh, where do jurors--

GUARD

Over there.

HARPER

Ok!

[mutters]

It looks so different over here. The courthouse is kind of pretty! I never really noticed the architecture…

[walks to a bench and sits]

Hi! Are you here for jury duty?

JAY

[not happy about it]

Yep. Never mind that I’ve got three kids to look after.

HARPER

Oh, I’m sorry. Were you able to get a babysitter?

JAY

[sighs]

For today, sure. I’m hoping I can get out of it.

HARPER

Oh, I’m sorry you have to do that! I think it’s gonna be a great experience.

JAY

[pause]

Really.

HARPER

Sure! It’s an important duty, and a way to see how justice is achieved from a whole new angle! And don’t you think the courthouse is nice?

JAY

[a little overwhelmed by their enthusiasm, not enthused themself]

I guess.

[distant chatter starts clarifying until we hear…]

CRIM 1

And they found 57 other sets of teeth, how do you explain that?

DEBBIE

How do you explain the fingernails?

CRIM 1

They didn’t find any fingernails.

DEBBIE

Exactly.

[spots Harper]

Oh, hey, you. Kid! Aren’t you a lawyer? I’ve seen you with the Smith crew.

HARPER

Oh hi! Uh, I’m a junior associate. A student.

CRIM 1

Ah, a summer. They let you stay on during the year, good sign!

DEBBIE

Going biglaw, eh?

HARPER

Well, yes. Schmidt, Smythe, Smick, and Smitters is the best firm for super-related law.

DEBBIE

Sure, sure. The best firm. But for the real action…

CRIM 1

You think they wanna get paid pennies to sift through teeth and fingernails?

HARPER

Um. Real action? And, uh, fingernails?

DEBBIE

Criminal law, kid. You ever see what it looks like when someone’s ribcage gets turned inside out?

HARPER

Um. No?

CRIM 1

Ken told you about that one, huh?

DEBBIE

Like five minutes ago. Oh there he is! Here, kid, lemme introduce you. Ken!

KEN/BATMAN VOICED LAWYER

[in Batman voice. Always.]

Debbie. Why are we standing by the jury pool?

DEBBIE

This is a baby Smith! They got jury duty. Kid, this is Ken.

HARPER

[hesitant]

Hi.

KEN

Lovely to meet you. Now if you’ll excuse me, justice awaits. Maybe not the justice they want, but the justice they deserve…

[pause while no one cares]

I’m due in court. Baby eater.

CRIM 1

Another one?

KEN

[grunts, walks away]

HARPER

Um. Is his throat ok?

DEBBIE

Oh yeah, he’s fine. He’s just been a public defender for more than two decades. That happens.

HARPER

...It does?

DEBBIE

Sometimes! Just ask Mal.

HARPER

You know Mr. Aria?

CRIM 1

Debbie, we should go, I have 38 new cases as of this morning.

DEBBIE

Go on ahead! I wanna make sure the kid knows what they’re missing!

HARPER

Oh, you don’t need to do that, I think I’m gonna be happy where I–

[sees an escape]

Oh hey, there’s Cole! I should talk to her, she’s kind of my boss and…

WRANGLER

All right, jurors this way!

HARPER

Or I guess I’ll go this way. That works too. Uh, nice to meet you guys!

DEBBIE

Remember kid! Where the action is!

[Harper flees]

HARPER

I guess that was what Bonnie and Cole were talking about…

SCENE 5

[jurors file into the courtroom]

WRANGLER

Have a seat.

TRE

Excuse me, I--

WRANGLER

It’s not up to me.

HARPER

[as they take a seat]

Cole is here! I know her, she’s kind of my boss. Do you think it’s her case?

PIKE

What? Who the hell is Cole?

JUDGE

All right, potential jurors, settle in. Before we get into questions, I’m going to go over the rules with you for if you’re chosen for the jury, ok?

[vague mumbling]

The big one is, you may not speak to anyone outside the jury about this case. That starts now. Do you all understand?

[noises of assent]

Great. The case will most likely take between 2 hours and 200 days.

JAY

[dismayed, under their breath to Harper]

Most likely?

PIKE

They’re worse than the cable company!

JUDGE

During that time, not only may you not speak out loud to others about the case, you may not write about it in a place where others can read it.

[pointedly]

That includes anonymous posting on FlySpace.

[back to bored]

If you knowingly become telepathically connected to anyone with superpowers, you have a duty to avoid thinking about the case during that time, to the best of your abilities. If you have superpowers or abilities yourself that could influence the course of this trial in any way, you have a duty to report it.

Once a jury is chosen, we’ll go through the rules again, and in more detail, but these main aspects of protocol apply starting now. Understood?

[short pause, not really long enough for an objection]

Good. Now for the initial questions.

Please raise your hands if you are a sole caregiver whose charge will be left alone if you are forced to come to the courthouse after today.

[Jay raises their hand]

Yes?

JAY

Uh, I have three children.

JUDGE

Do you have a co-parent or anybody who can take care of them while you’re here?

JAY

Well, I hired a babysitter, but…

JUDGE

You’ll have to stay. Now, does anyone have an ability that may interfere with this trial? Yes? What is it?

TRE

Well, uh. I involuntarily affect electric currents.

JUDGE

And how do you see this impacting the trial?

TRE

Well if there’s, um, a display? My being here can make it go wrong.

JUDGE

Wrong how?

TRE

[doesn’t want to answer, gets quiet]

It, uh. Flickers.

JUDGE

You can stay.

TRE

Dammit.

JUDGE

Does anyone know a superhero personally?

[pause while Harper raises their hand]

Yes? You know a superhero?

HARPER

[obviously lying]

I mean. I don’t know, what does it mean to know someone? And what does “personal” mean, exactly?

JUDGE

[clearly thinks they’re trying to get out of it]

You can stay.

HARPER

What? Really?

JUDGE

Yes. “What does it mean to know someone” is not enough to get you excused from jury duty.

HARPER

Oh, well, I mean, I would give more details, really! It’s just that with secret identities and all —

JUDGE

[getting irritated]

Sit, please.

[Harper sits, can’t believe their luck]

TRE

[sarcastic]

Way to go.

HARPER

[genuine]

Thanks! What luck, right?

JUDGE

Is anyone else acquainted with a superhero?

[pause]

Very well, if there’s no one else acquainted with a licensed superhero, counsel for the plaintiff will begin the voir dire. They’ll have three peremptory challenges, which they can use to dismiss jurors without needing to give me a reason. They can also challenge a juror for cause, if they believe that juror would not be able to be impartial. I’ll then decide if they are correct, and if so, dismiss the juror in question. Counsel?

ALLITIGATOR

[clears throat]

Thank you, Your Honor. I’d like to start with juror number 581.

PIKE

Uh, ok. That’s me. Pike L'oatel [luh-OH-tell].

ALLITIGATOR

What do you do for a living?

PIKE

I work in construction. And my boss isn’t very understanding, if I’m here too long I may get fired…

ALLITIGATOR

Is that so. Is your employer aware that this is your civic duty, and legally excuses your absence?

PIKE

Uh. Maybe?

JUDGE

At the end of today’s session, juror, please see the gentleman who led you to the courtroom. He can help you with any documentation you need. Counsel, please continue.

ALLITIGATOR

So. Construction. Do you drive to work?

PIKE

No, I take the bus. Or the subway. Depends on the site.

ALLITIGATOR

And do you have a driver’s license?

PIKE

No, sir. Never needed one. Lived in the city my whole life.

ALLITIGATOR

Thank you. Next. Number 583.

HARPER

583! Uh, that’s me!

ALLITIGATOR

583. Have you lived in Megalopolis your whole life?

HARPER

[surprised]

Well, yes.

ALLITIGATOR

And do you have a driver’s license?

HARPER

Yes.

ALLITIGATOR

Thank you. Next, number 579…

[basically a montage from here. Jurors grow progressively confused by the questions, and more flippant about answering.]

ALLITIGATOR

Have you ever flown a plane of any kind?

PIKE

Dude, I don’t even drive.

JAY

No?

TRE

Never.

HARPER

No…

COLE

I understand you have lived in Megalopolis your entire life. Have you ever had an encounter with a superhero, positive or negative?

PIKE

No, ma’am.

JAY

Never.

HARPER

Uh, define encounter?

TRE

Nope.

ALLITIGATOR

And how many parking tickets have you gotten over the course of your life?

PIKE

Zero.

JAY

I haven’t exactly kept count… maybe 5?

HARPER

Zero.

TRE

73.

COLE

How familiar are you with invisibility tech?

PIKE

Um. Zero? Zero familiar?

HARPER

Are you talking, like, tech tech or are you including powers?

JAY

I’ve watched a lot of sci-fi.

TRE

I swear my kids invented it to hide my keys sometimes, but not really…

ALLITIGATOR

Have you heard of the superhero Spectaculass, and if so, what do you think of her?

PIKE

No, I don’t really keep up with that superhero stuff.

JAY

Uh, I think she saved my cousin last week? Yeah, he was about to get eaten by a carnivorous horse from one of those reality rifts and she got it with her weird glowy lasso.

HARPER

Ooh, she gives great fashion advice! I mean, uh. So I’ve heard.

TRE

Yeah, I’ve heard of her. Her ass is indeed spectacular.

COLE

And do you personally know anyone involved in this case?

JAY

Not that I know of.

PIKE

No.

TRE

No.

HARPER

Yes.

[end montage]

COLE

Who?

HARPER

Um. You.

COLE

And how do you know me?

HARPER

[frustrated, doesn’t see a way out of answering]

I...work with you.

COLE

At my firm.

HARPER

Yes. I’m a junior associate.

[general murmuring of other jurors and anyone else in the room. Cole pauses, waiting for the opposing counsel to object. Nothing.]

JUDGE

Mr. Allitigator, I’d like to remind you that you can dismiss a juror for cause. A connection to anyone involved in the case may be a good reason for doing so.

ALLITIGATOR

Understood, Your Honor.

JUDGE

[your funeral]

Very well.

HARPER

So...I’m in?

JUDGE

If neither party objects to your presence on the jury, yes. You’re “in”.

HARPER

Yes!!!

JUDGE

…well, that’s a new reaction.

SCENE 6

[in the hall of the courthouse]

HARPER

…and neither of them ended up dismissing me! I’m on the jury!

HAZEL

[via phone, politely baffled]

You really are thrilled about this, huh.

HARPER

Of course I am! I told you, I get to —

HAZEL

— experience the law from a whole new side, blah, blah, blah.

HARPER

Ugh, you’re such a killjoy. It’s going to be fun, you’ll see!

HAZEL

Okay, okay. If you’re sure.

HARPER

I’m positive.

[footsteps passing, maybe the sound of Cole talking on the phone in the background]

Oh, there’s Cole! I should say hi.

HAZEL

Hell yeah, go suck up to the boss. Grab pizza on your way back from court!

HARPER

Will do, love you!

[phone hanging up noise]

Ms. Castillo! Hey!

[no answer]

Ok, I guess you can’t talk to me here, huh.

[Harper’s cell phone buzzes, they answer]

Hello? Hazel? Do you want something other than your usual order?

LOIS

This is not Hazel.

HARPER

Oh! LOIS! I didn’t know you had my number.

LOIS

I have everybody’s number, Mx. Hallo. I’ve been informed that you are now seated on a jury in a case the firm is handling. Because you’re forbidden to speak with anyone involved in that case about anything even slightly connected to said case, I shall be running interference.

HARPER

Oh, ok. I’ll be pretty busy until it’s over anyway, I guess. Hey LOIS, do you know why the plaintiff--

LOIS

[obnoxious buzzer noise. by buzzer sound, I mean the voice actor doing an impression of the Operation touched-the-side sound, not a mechanical buzzer]

HARPER

I’m not asking anything privileged, I just wanna know why--

LOIS

[buzzer]

HARPER

Can you not just speculate with me--

LOIS

[buzzer]

HARPER

[sigh]

I get it. Hanging up now.

[They hang up]

It’s what I wanted. It’s gonna be fun. Even if that noise is gonna get old fast.

NARRATOR

On the next SUPER SUITS! Will Harper regret their success in getting on this jury? Will they be forced to choose between loyalty to their friends and a just decision? Or will the case turn out to be bizarre and inconsequential? Find out next episode! Same pod time, same pod feed!