E076 The #1 Thing You Need To Know Before Committing & The Red Flags To Watch Out For In Your Next Relationship With Denise Schonwald

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[00:00:00] In this episode, you'll discover what you absolutely need to know before ever committing again to another relationship.

Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.

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Oh, welcome back. In this episode, you are going to learn the red flags to watch out for in relationships. You're going to know how to absolutely clarify if your relationship is healthy or not, and you're gonna discover the number one thing that you absolutely need to know before you ever commit fully to anyone in relationship.

Again, I am talking today with a woman named Denise Schal. She's a licensed mental health counselor. She's an author. She's a family mediator. She's a public speaker, and she wrote a book called Elephants [00:01:00] Don't Marry Giraffes, which we're gonna get into more. In this episode, she and I are talking about all things healthy relationships and what to look out for, to signal that you're in an unhealthy relationship.

Which is so, so important because after you get out of these types of relationships, these narcissistic or otherwise traumatic, painful, abusive relationships, the idea of dating again, can feel foreign.

It can feel so terrifying to think that you're gonna end up in that same situation. And we need a lot of education around what to look out for. And understanding around how to be in our body in a different way when we start interacting with a new person and how to listen to what our body is saying.

So we're gonna go over all of that and more in this episode that you feel fully equipped to dip your toe back into the dating pool at whatever point that feels right for you. I really believe it's never [00:02:00] too early to start sort of thinking about these things. I know for me, the more that I sit with something and kind of ponder it, the more just slowly I start to naturally inch towards that thing in the future.

And if you're like so many of the listeners and so many of my clients really wanting a healthy relationship and that deep. Genuine, delicious love from, from a person. You're, gonna have to get back out on the dating field right at some point. So we're here to here to help you do that and give you all the information to help you feel safe, confident, and knowing that you can do it.

And as you're listening to these episodes, if you're like, oof, I really need to dive in a little bit more here, need to do some deeper work around that. I Have an interest form link in the show notes that you can fill out at any time to get in touch with me to see how we can work together.

And be sure to stick around to the end of the episode where I'll pull an Oracle card. This will offer you just a simple message that you can sit with, meditate on, absorb into your aura this week [00:03:00] as you step forward in your healing .

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Bre Wolta: welcome to the podcast, Denise.

Denise Schonwald: Thank you. Thank you for having me.

Bre Wolta: I am thrilled for this conversation today because so many of the women listening are coming out of relationships that didn't make any sense or that were very painful, and maybe they see some of the red flags that got them into that relationship in the first place.

But most, if not all of them are like, how do I not do that again? So today we're gonna talk about how to know what a healthy relationship looks like, how to know that you're in one, and to get to speak with you, Denise, about all of the couples that you have worked with in your clinical practice is just such a pleasure.

So thank you for, thank you for being

Denise Schonwald: You welcome.

Bre Wolta: I know you have a lot Of lot of information on the topic. Where would be most beneficial do you think, for women to hear about healthy relationships?

Denise Schonwald: Well, currently I'm a mental health counselor and I practice [00:04:00] here locally in Sarasota, Florida. I see a lot of

couples and one of the things that I think is important is when we ourselves are not healthy, I. And I mean mentally healthy balancing stress and certainly working through our own issues. It's very difficult to have a healthy relationship. Relationships are like mirrors of our own sort of struggles and so forth. And if we don't, are not clear on what we're going through and struggling with, it's impossible or very difficult to find a partner that's going to help us have a healthy relationship.

Bre Wolta: Yeah. Attracting that, that person that mirrors our wounding or that feels familiar in some degree to our childhood or to previous partners. It can be sort of mind bending if we are not putting together the pieces. Of why we're choosing the people that we're choosing. And of course there is manipulation and coercion that can go into that, especially when you're in relationship with a [00:05:00] narcissist.

Um, but there is a lot of places, even in those relationships, that we can take accountability as the person on the receiving end of that. And so diving in and really learning who you are, learning your boundaries, learning what you expect in a relationship, all of that is such vital work to, to set you up for success.

Denise Schonwald: Absolutely.

Bre Wolta: Yeah, so what are some red flags that we can have listeners look out for as they are maybe starting to think about dating again, or maybe that idea is just like so scary to them that they need a little bit of help, like even easing into that idea of something that's possible in the future.

Denise Schonwald: of the things before I was a therapist, I was a critical care nurse, and we used to say illness has a history. So when someone

would come in with something, it wasn't that that just sort of popped up. It actually had sort of a backstory. So it was very important to understand what led up to their heart attack or [00:06:00] some particular disease. Relationships also have histories, and when you're getting into a relationship, it's important to understand and take the time to learn about this person's history. If they have a

history of very toxic relationships and so forth, I mean, we think that maybe we're now the right person and we can sort of correct all this, which is unfortunately very irrational to think that we can all of a sudden save this person or we're the better person for them. If they have a

history, a, a long family history with, you know, having a lot of dysfunctionality and toxicity, it's not likely that we're going to form a very healthy relationship after that.

Bre Wolta: Yeah. Oh, I love that. Getting curious about, about how they even portray their history. I know what can come up a lot with my clients is the, the man, in most cases, the narcissistic person [00:07:00] describing all of their exes as the crazy bitches, right? Or like. How, how insane those women were and what rigamarole they put the man through.

And oftentimes that's not truth. Oftentimes the man actually did the things that he's saying that the, the exes had done to him. Um, but when you're in that position of hearing from somebody that you're just starting dating that you really like that they were treated so poorly by all these women. Part of our heartstrings, I think get, get tugged.

And this happened to me too, where I was like, oh my gosh, you don't deserve being treated like that. And to your point, I'll be the one that will treat you right. I'll be the one to show you that there are good women out there. And that is, that is such a slippery slope to, to roll into.

Denise Schonwald: Yes, and you'll notice that when the story is being told, there's no accountability.

I, I also, you know, didn't treat her well or I also had some struggles and so forth, and that's sort of a really important [00:08:00] missing link.

Yes.

Bre Wolta: Yes. Yes. And that is how us as women who have been through these relationships that are horrifying, right? When we start to share some of our dating history with the new person. I know another fear that I know I had and a lot of the listeners have is that I don't wanna come across across as crazy or, or say in the similar category of like.

Saying, all my ex-boyfriends were nuts. And so to your point, what you just said is so important, and I want listeners to really hear that, that you can explain your history while taking accountability for your part in that history. And that is the critical difference of saying, all of my exes were crazy versus I attracted some unhealthy people because I was an unhealthy place and this is the work that I've done The forward.

Yes. Yeah.

Denise Schonwald: absolutely.

Bre Wolta: So how, how people describe their histories. What their histories actually are to and [00:09:00] factual from, from what their childhoods looked like. And I'd throw in there perhaps like if they've done any work around that.

Denise Schonwald: Yes. Because a lot

of times they just want to move on to the next relationship.

Bre Wolta: Yes. Okay. So that's the first red flag What would be the second?

Denise Schonwald: The second would be that it's very interesting. I took, um, also a family mediator and one of the things that I learned in this class was that it takes about three years to really get to know somebody. I. Because, you know, we get caught under the pheromone spell where we think they're wonderful and everything they do is fantastic.

And you know, we, we sort of get in this delusional state where we think that this is our forever person. And not that there's anything wrong with that, but we need to give it enough time and space. Because what happens as relationships start to evolve is you start to notice and you become aware of things. Maybe what their relationship's like with coworkers, how they handle stressful [00:10:00] situations, and these are all really important. One of the first questions I ask for couples is, how long have you been married? If they're married, and how long did you date before you got married?

Bre Wolta: Mm.

Denise Schonwald: times it's, oh, we only dated six months and so forth, and now they're usually around the three year mark where they're starting to have some problems.

Bre Wolta: Going through several seasons with people is so important. I've heard that advice in sort of a, a smaller, um, magnitude where it's like you wanna be with somebody through the, at least four, four seasons, like one calendar year to see even how seasonality affects them. Or if a job loss happens or shifting or, or somebody gets sick and they have to step up or don't, right, you get, you see a lot of a person's personality through time and the decrease of the dopamine and the oxytocin and all the things that are happening in our brain when we're in that, that beginning stage,

Denise Schonwald: Yes.

Bre Wolta: [00:11:00] and specifically with women who are in narcissistic relationships.

That time period to come out of the love bomb window is really important. And oftentimes when things start getting more normal, when that, when there's less excitement, you see the masks start to fall. And that can be really challenging if coupled with that was a marriage or a pregnancy or something that is tying you more directly to them.

Denise Schonwald: Yes. Or if you're all of a sudden financially invested in each other, you've bought a house together or something, that now this is becoming more complicated.

Bre Wolta: Yes. So three years is, is what we're thinking for the, a good amount of time to be able to see people in, in all of their colors.

Denise Schonwald: and I was a little surprised at the length. I thought three years was a long period of time,

but over, you know, doing many, many studies, they're noticing that right around the three year mark is when you're really going to see exactly what you've sort of signed up [00:12:00] for.

Bre Wolta: And within that, those three years also inserting different, um, places where you can set boundaries, where you can hold your stance, right. And see how that person. Respond to you. 'cause I know that that's a missing piece in a lot of the relationships when we're looking in hindsight of, oh, I just sort of went with the flow, or I just did what he wanted to do because I didn't wanna rock the boat.

And so the, the sooner that we are, we as the, the more empathetic person who tends to get into narcissistic relationships, start to set boundaries and start to, to maintain a sense of self. The, the more you're gonna see if that person is receptive to that, if they celebrate you in your independence, if they, you know, like you to be your own person, or if there's some freak out of losing control of you, that starts to happen.

Denise Schonwald: Yeah, absolutely.

Bre Wolta: Okay. So paying attention to histories, paying attention to how they talk about their histories, um, and then [00:13:00] spending some time at least three years with somebody so that you can see them in a full breadth of situation. What would be a third, a third red flag or something to look out for?

Denise Schonwald: And I'll tell you this one is key. When we get uncomfortable in a situation, the first thing that we go to for help, if you will, is the mind. And the

mind is, it's like a computer. It remembers things. Maybe sometimes you don't even remember them accurately, but the mind is generally fear-based. And so

what we will do is we'll either overthink it or we create scenarios that we think might happen and so forth. And when we're in this sort of fear-based state, we're not making very good decisions. A narcissist is extremely perceptive to energy. And they can tell when you're in sort of this fear mind state, and they, they prey upon that. I mean, they know that they can use that to their advantage. What we don't do [00:14:00] is sort of rely on our instincts or intuition. How does this feel? What am I noticing? The mind jumps right in and starts to predict, but yet this time where you just sort of let it sit and let the energy play out is so important because that's where the true essence of the relationship is Lying. You know what, what exactly is happening? It can be

difficult because most people now are sort of at a steady, anxious, stressful state, and then add a relationship in there, and we're not as insightful as we probably should be.

Bre Wolta: Yeah. Oh, absolutely. I think most of us are in some sort of sympathetic nervous system response like most of the time, and you, you add a toxic relationship onto that and you're just living in this constant boiling water.

Denise Schonwald: Mm-hmm.

Bre Wolta: What's a one way that somebody could start to tap back into that intuition?

'cause I hear, I hear that a lot, like I've lost it. I don't, I [00:15:00] can't trust myself anymore.

Denise Schonwald: And this is one thing that we really don't want, or the mind doesn't give us any ability to create a space.

Bre Wolta: Mm. Yep.

Denise Schonwald: because the mind is always urgent. I, I used to be a critical care nurse and we think everything has to be done right now. Actually, when I was a critical care nurse, everything needed time. You know, we

would hang some medicine and we would see how it, they did. You know,

it wasn't quite as everything has to be done right now. The mind

gives us this false sense of everything needs to be figured out or it's not gonna be okay. And yet sometimes you just need some time to just get some better understanding and awareness of what's happening, how they're responding to me, how, how I feel when I'm around them.

Am I constantly got a knot in my stomach. That's not healthy, but we ignore that because the mind thinks, you know, we're, we're judging them or whatever it thinks. And unfortunately that will lead us down a [00:16:00] path that we might not want to go on.

Bre Wolta: Yeah. And, and with the space we have to be receptive to the answer. I think that that's a, a critical piece of this because if you are not willing to see the possibility of what is happening, the possibility of what the relationship is, you will continue to go into the justification. Space with what is happening.

So I almost see this as a, um, I, I worked in the addiction field for almost a decade before becoming a relationship clarity coach. And I almost see it as like a rock bottom that we have to hit where we are. We are mentally open to change

Denise Schonwald: Yes.

Bre Wolta: and sometimes that change doesn't happen for months or years. But when we hit that critical.

Place in our own psyche, then we can, we can almost like allow in all of the data, and I work with my clients on gathering data. [00:17:00] Like what is, what is actually happening in the relationship? What, what do they do when you set a boundary, not, not so much emotion around what's happening, but what is, what is happening in the relationship?

Because in the emotion is sort of in that fear bla quick place where we start to go to justifications. So having the, having the space to gather the data and being receptive to the

Denise Schonwald: Yes, and the willingness to do something different, the mind comes in and we fear change. We feel sort of rocking the boat and yet, you know, this is what's needed because this is why it's so uncomfortable.

Bre Wolta: yeah.

Denise Schonwald: But we don't, we don't like to be uncomfortable. So we'll go along and it's interesting 'cause what we do is we create a more difficult and challenging situation because we don't wanna be uncomfortable.

Bre Wolta: Yeah. It's so backwards because it's, it's uncomfortable no matter the which way you cut it. Right. Oftentimes, especially in these types of relationships, we're, [00:18:00] we're anxious, we're unhappy, we're, we're not living as our best selves in the relationship, but still the fear of leaving. Is bigger than, oh, well I know how to do this dance, right?

It's the devil, you know, versus what you don't. And we can get really sucked into that place and convincing ourselves that whatever is on the other side must be worse than where I am and I'm just gonna tough it out, or I'm just gonna fix him or fix myself, or whatever the, whatever the, um, focus is, I guess, that we put on to try to gain some control of the relationship.

Denise Schonwald: and the interesting thing is this is how energy works. When we continue to just sort of accept and keep push pushing forward and so forth, eventually what happens is the body will start to weaken and we get sick. And

of course we don't correlate the fact that I'm constantly sick or I'm coming down with all these illnesses or diseases. Back to the fact that I'm in a very unhealthy relationship. Few people can correlate [00:19:00] that they have actually a, a very definite connection.

Bre Wolta: And that's such a, it's such a phenomenon that we see over and over again. With chronic illness or just being like literally sick with colds or flus all of the time. 'cause your immune system is so taxed. But our energetic space is directly tied to, to our body and our mind.

And, you know, we're one whole complete being. There's no, there's no separation

Denise Schonwald: correct. And since you are, uh, referencing addiction, watch what the mind is choosing to go to for relief. So these are how addictions start to creep in because we're so unhappy and the body is, is really feeling stressed. So the mind

comes in with, again, a not so great choice of what we can do for relief.

I. And these

are where eating comes in. We seem to like, our devices are becoming our number one sort of favorite thing for relief or for ease. And

all the, as you know, with addiction, this just gets worse and worse and worse. And then the body continues to weaken [00:20:00] because the mind is really becoming overstimulated related.

Bre Wolta: And devices specifically are so normalized. It's so normalized to just like doom

Denise Schonwald: Mm-hmm.

Bre Wolta: or TikTok or binge watch Netflix. Like it's, we can, we can easily scoot that aside as well. This is just something that I like to do. When really it is being used in some capacity for a numbing behavior.

And especially if you're not, like, if you're not coming out of a state of sort of blah, like maybe, maybe you're not in total depression or total, um, frustration about the relationship, but maybe it just feels stagnant. It feels like I'm not happy, I'm not having highs, I'm not having lows, I'm just sort of existing.

And getting really real and honest with yourself of, is this a way that I wanna spend my life, spend my, my days and my nights? You know, just looking forward to my Instagram scroll as like the most exciting thing to do [00:21:00] next to my partner.

Denise Schonwald: Or we don't trust our partner, so we're constantly seeing how many, whom they're liking on Instagram and, and they're following and all of that, so that now we're, now it's even getting more and more complicated.

Bre Wolta: Yes, so finding, finding some space, finding some, some nervous system regulations that we're coming out of those habitual things that we're doing to try to relieve the pressure, but actually giving ourselves the space to move out of the pressure.

Denise Schonwald: And, and one of the things that will always sort of help us is how the body feels. I always

say that. People say, I think, I think I, I go, but how do you feel? Because we don't take a minute to just see how is this sitting on the body, because the body is extremely sophisticated.

Bre Wolta: Can you give us an example of this? 'cause I'm just imagining the listener being like, I don't know how I feel. Like what if they're not, they haven't really had practice of tuning into their body. I. Have you worked with a client or someone that could give a good story of what that

Denise Schonwald: [00:22:00] Well, or maybe all of a sudden you, you're in a partnership where the, maybe it's the guy's very, very controlling. So he comes in and he starts to ask two or three questions and your heart starts beating a mile a minute. Maybe you start to get really sweaty and, and so forth. Okay. This doesn't feel right. This feels very controlling and, and so forth. The body will quickly try to regulate itself. I mean, which is usually why we start to perspire and all that, but we've got to stick step back and say, why is it every time I'm around this person, I don't feel right? I. There's

something, there's, and I do this a lot of times with trust, like somebody will come in and I'll say, there's something about them that I'm not trusting their story.

I'm, and, and, and I'm asking questions , but something just doesn't feel right

or I'm seeing a couple and I feel like I'm missing a couple pieces.

I don't really know why or what I'm missing. I just, there's just something just doesn't feel right in this situation.

Bre Wolta: Learning [00:23:00] to tune back into that, especially when you've been gaslit or otherwise told that your reality is wrong or that you can't trust your yourself or your instincts. It can be so challenging to, to reorient ourselves from the external back into the internal place. So I just wanna normalize that for, for women listening, that that is often one of the biggest hurdles that we, we get over or we get through and moving through these types of relationships.

Denise Schonwald: Over explaining and, and so it's almost like you're trying to make your point and that's also a red flag. It's like, why, why do I feel like I have to explain all of why I thought what I did, what I did, and why I did it, and why I didn't

do it? And it, it becomes a lot of words that are very meaningful to say that there, there's some problems in this relationship.

Bre Wolta: yeah, because healthy relationships are supposed to be useful. They're not [00:24:00] easy, but they are more easeful where there's not a lot of, to your point, like trying to explain your partner's behavior to your family or your friends or yourself, there's not a lot of trying to justify their actions because it's contradicting what you

Denise Schonwald: Mm-hmm.

Bre Wolta: It's just sort of thing, things align and it's not so much additional energy that we're putting into existing with a person. I think sometimes. Or maybe like a big overarching red flag is just feeling completely exhausted all of the time in your relationship. When your relationship is supposed to be that thing that helps you recharge.

It's supposed to be that, that safe place for you to come back to your home base. It's not meant to be an additional suck that takes you away from your work and your friends and your hobbies and your sense of self, and you know, it's just like. Wow. Are, am I exhausted all the time? Is a good question to, [00:25:00] to be asking yourself when you're kind of thinking about how you feel in the relationship

Denise Schonwald: Mm-hmm. Yeah, nicely said.

Bre Wolta: Your book that you wrote, elephants Don't Marry Giraffes was wonderful to read. And I want listeners to, to look this up because the way that you structured the client story, the couple's story, and then gave your, your. Clinical thoughts and then gave your therapeutic advice,

it really helps you put yourself in those shoes and then see what you, would, you as Denise, as the therapist would say to me, potentially, right. If I'm experiencing the same thing. The, um, having the information in different ways of what relationships can look like and why that isn't so healthy was really.

Powerful. So thank you for, thank you for organizing your experience in that, in that way for for women, and I'm sure men are reading the book as

Denise Schonwald: Mm-hmm.

Bre Wolta: In thinking about that, thinking about your history, thinking [00:26:00] about all of the work that you've done with couples, what do you think is like the number one thing that we need to think about before making a commitment to somebody long term?

Denise Schonwald: Well, I'm sort of coupling this with what you just said. Relationships need to have flow. We need to give, we need to receive, we need to nurture them. Many couples don't really spend the time or make the time as particularly when we have children and careers to invest in each other. And although they're challenging, they shouldn't require so much effort.

We should have some understanding and, and some ability, and some problem solving and so forth if the relationship is so overwhelming and so exhausting and so much work. Maybe we need to take a step back and, and sort of develop some insight. What I see with couples going from one dysfunctional relationship to another is they never take the time to develop the [00:27:00] insight of what they learned from the first relationship and then they just carry the same problems into the next relationship.

Bre Wolta: And we wonder why we, we continue to be in the same cycle with different people.

Denise Schonwald: Mm-hmm. And if we're just roommates, I'll say, well, do you make time for each other? And they'll say, well, we watch a show together. But it, when they're watching a show, they're, they're both on their phones

Bre Wolta: Yeah,

And especially if you need qual, you know, quality time, quality conversation, quality experience to feel connection or to feel love, that can feel even more detrimental to be I. With somebody, but not interacting in a meaningful, a meaningful space. '

Denise Schonwald: cause we can do that at the airport. You know, we can, we can sit next to somebody and we can both be on our phones and that, that's not really a relationship.

Bre Wolta: Exactly. Yeah. To go with your, the word flow that you used, I hate come back to this metaphor over and over again about. A [00:28:00] couple that's, that's on the same, or let's say a couple that's, you know, sharing values, is curious about each other, is in that give and receive kind of flow. It's like paddling downstream together.

Whereas when you come to rapids or rocks, you can kind of navigate your way around it. Versus if you're not on the same page with those things. If you're with somebody who is more dysfunctional or you are dysfunctional yourself, it feels like you're paddling upstream. So you're still coming to all of those rocks and those rapids, but you're also moving the wrong direction and expending all of the energy to just try to get through, get through the day.

So that when those big things come, you're completely wiped. You can't navigate through the same way as if you were in the boat rowing with the partner in the same direction.

Denise Schonwald: Yes. And remember, when we're, connecting with each other through anger, so having a lot of arguments, jealousy, both wanna be right, ego, [00:29:00] okay? This tells me that they're both not in a good place and then that now this is how they're connecting and that's

not gonna be a healthy relationship.

So

Bre Wolta: the more that, the more that we can really bolster our sense of self and really know who we are, and know what we're standing for, be using our voice, be using our boundaries. Know about our weaker spots based on our own history so that we can be mindful of, oh, I tend to be passive aggressive when I get flooded with my nervous system.

Gets out of whack. Knowing, knowing your own blueprint, knowing how you enter relationships and, and work in relationships will help you shift that, help you keep your, keep yourself accountable to show up the way that you want to in those spaces.

Denise Schonwald: It is important to be very clearly defined and

when somebody is sort of challenging your boundaries, that you're able to navigate it with ease. Not that it's comfortable, but it's, as you start to panic, they know that they've got you.

Bre Wolta: They, they thrive on [00:30:00] the emotion. It really is the thing. They don't want you in the, in the calm, rational mind. They want you spun up and more easily grab-able from, from being in that emotional

Denise Schonwald: Absolutely.

Bre Wolta: Beautiful. Okay, so we have some red flags that listeners can look out for finding the flow when you're in a relationship.

Really looking for, is this feeling ease useful most of the time? Not that we don't come across the rapids, but are we working together? Is there a give and a take? Is there anything else that you wanna leave listeners with today?

Denise Schonwald: One of the things that I feel is the most important is to, as listeners, to continue to do the work on yourself.

If you wanna have a healthy relationship, if you wanna have a healthy relationship with your children, with your coworkers, most people are very, are very neglectful for toward themselves.

Bre Wolta: Yeah.

Denise Schonwald: don't spend the time in investing.

What makes them happy? How they [00:31:00] can be fulfilled to stay optimally, physically healthy, mentally healthy, spiritually healthy. If you want, if you want to sort of navigate through life as as easily as possible, you've gotta start from within.

Bre Wolta: Yeah, it's the renewable energy source, it's like the. We under. When we have that from within, we don't seek it externally. We don't need somebody else to validate that we are lovable or worthy or whatever. We're, we're just like it's coming from within. The light is shining. We're just shining

Denise Schonwald: Yes. And we will

attract that like energy that we're putting in. Like what whatever we put in ourselves, we will attract through other people from other people.

Bre Wolta: I really think that whether it's coaching or therapy or plant medicine or whatever you're using to, to be introspective about yourself is. The biggest return on investment. It's because if you're actually using that to shift the neural [00:32:00] pathways to shift out of generational trauma, to, to heal and actually do something different, right?

You're not just sort of going through the motions of therapy or coaching, but putting it into action and seeing a different results is, is so empowering at the least, and like life changing at the most. So that I know it's a time investment and a financial investment and an emotional investment 'cause this stuff is painful to dredge up

but it's so, so worth, worth it long term and relationships of all kinds. I.

Um, okay, so towards the end of these episodes, I like to pull an Oracle card as a message that the listeners can use. So I have a deck here and I'm gonna start shuffling Denise. And I want you to close your eyes and just take a breath, tuning your energy into the deck,

Bre Wolta: I'm just gonna ask what is the message that the listeners need to hear today? And as you feel your [00:33:00] intuitive pull, you let me know when to stop.

Denise Schonwald: Okay,

stop.

Bre Wolta: Okay, so we got silt, which is a picture of a heart that has silt on it. So let me find, lemme find this in the book and I'll read you the message. Silt is the mark of the soul's deep remembrance. The fine dust of relationship and experience that infiltrates the cells, coats the heart, the ash of love and pain and tenderness.

The silky soft remnants of experiences that have touched, changed, and moved the physical and spiritual body. The fine bits of love we acquire the ones that stay after digestion, absorption, elimination, silt is left behind All we take in consciously or unconsciously. SILT calls you to remember what matters, the memories that existed even before you came into this world.

Honor your past. Remember what you have chosen and what has chosen you. Silt calls you to [00:34:00] accept all parts of your past relationships, the pain, the love, and the lessons. Knowing that you can scrub away what doesn't serve you anymore. Perfect, perfect message. Thank you. Denise is where do you wanna point people to, to find you to find your book?

Denise Schonwald: I would love for listeners to visit me on my website, denise shoal.com. Um, if they're interested, I would love to send them a copy of my book,

Bre Wolta: Beautiful.

Denise Schonwald: Snow, Mary Giraffes.

Bre Wolta: And the title is amazing. I just, I love, I love everything about this book. I really encourage listeners to, to take you up on that offer. That's such a generous offer to be giving away your, your work. Yes. Thank you.

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And before you go for today, let's just recap a couple of the takeaways, the things that you learned by listening to this episode today. Denise and I talked a lot about the red flags, so you know, the red flags to look out for as you start to begin dating again. You also [00:35:00] know how to clarify if your relationship is healthy and what the healthy relationship is supposed to feel like.

And you know the number one thing. That you need to know before you actually commit to anyone. This episode is jam packed full of very useful information, so I really recommend coming back, bookmarking this episode and re-listening as you are actively dating to help remind yourself of these things, especially at the beginning of the excitement of a relationship, really having this episode as that grounding anchor for you to come back to.

And I know you are on your journey to really do relationships differently, so I want to offer you my free relationship reset guide. This is a free PDF with a video that's really gonna help you rewire your attachment style, help you understand what healthy love looks like, and the things that you can actively do today to start to move more towards healthy love.

It's gonna help you learn how to communicate your feelings without feeling guilty. [00:36:00] It's gonna help you navigate triggering moments maturely, so that we're not acting out from our parts, and it's gonna help you feel secure on your own. Which is super important while you are dating so that you're not just choosing people and anxiously attaching like maybe you have done in the past, but so that you feel really secure by yourself so that you can find the person who's really healthy and on the same path as you.

And as always, you are not alone in this journey. And I'll see you in the next episode.