Self-care is literally, the way I define it is it's being in total alignment, okay?

In every aspect of your life.

Your physical, your mental, your social, your emotional, your spiritual,

you being in total alignment in all areas of your life at the same time.

Think about that being in total succinct in harmony.

What would life be like if we were in total succinct, in harmony in

all areas and aspects of our lives?

Are you leading well but secretly running on empty Today on seek,

go create the leadership journey.

We speak with Bonita Williams, known as the self-care surgeon.

Bonita specializes in helping leaders break free from

exhausting cycle

of performance-based leadership and step into a supernatural

flow of stewardship and purpose.

Through her unique approach, she empowers entrepreneurs and executives

to lead from a place of rest, renewal, and radical alignment with God's

design for their lives and businesses.

Get ready for an honest conversation about identity, clarity, and

the real meaning of success.

Benita, welcome to Seat.

Go create.

Thank you so much, Tim, for having me.

It's a pleasure to be here with you.

I'm glad you're here too.

we almost lit into conversation before we hit record and we were probably about to

say some stuff that we needed to capture.

so anyway, we're recording now.

Let me start off with, the only question I've prepped you with and, I just told

you about it before we hit record.

So, would you rather answer what do you do or who are you?

Pick it and start.

Wow, that's a interesting question and I think I'll take the approach

of who am I, reason being, you know, Jesus had many names.

He was known by many names, you know, and so a wonderful counselor,

peace, you know, lamb of God course, the Son of God, savior the world.

So I'll take that approach, because I feel like I have.

you know many names to who I am.

so first I'll start off by saying, I'm the middle daughter of, two, college

sweethearts who fell in love and, were married for over 41 years, my mom and dad.

And so, my mom actually passed away in 2012 and so, but they had a

beautiful life together and, from that union came, you know, three girls.

And so I'm the middle child of three.

but I feel oftentimes that I am the Joseph of the family.

So, a lot of responsibility kind of fell on my shoulders.

And so, I've been.

Kind of playing that role and playing that part for most of

my life, all my life really.

and so I think I wear it with a badge of honor just being able to help my family.

I've always been the one to keep the family together and that kind of thing.

So, I would say that, a part of my upbringing really had to deal with that.

just having to, grow up and have an old soul, if you will.

I love being around older people and having conversations, with older people

because I believe I identify with responsibility and nurturing and all

the things that come with, adulthood,

I often tell myself or tell other people that I don't feel like I was a typical

12-year-old, I feel like at 12 I was probably more of an adult ready to do

adult things than I should have been.

But that was just the motivation behind, me, having responsibilities,

taking care of my younger sibling,

And really helping out with my mom and dad.

anything from finances.

I worked ever since I was 14 years old.

just always had that, sense of responsibility that

carried on into my adulthood.

outside of that, who am I?

I am definitely, a kingdom ambassador.

you know, Jesus Christ is my Lord and savior.

And, I, I came into a, a knowledge and relationship with

Christ at a very young age.

I, again, I was about 14 years old, when I developed my relationship

with Christ and became saved.

And, you know, of course I've gone through, several occasions where,

you know, I have had to, you know, we dedicate my life, of course, but that

foundation was laid at an early age, ever since I was a little kid, in, in Sunday

school, my grandmother was always going with my grandmother to Sunday school.

I. And I was one of those inquisitive kids.

You know, I always had to ask the question, you know, if you tell me the

story about Jonah being swallowed by a whale, well, I wanted to know, you know,

how big was the whale and why, and how did Jonah come out alive and all those things.

I was very inquisitive as a young girl, interested in the Bible stories and

things like that, but seeking a deeper meaning, seeking to understand and really

make a connection even at a young age.

And so I think that kind of, carried over into, my adulthood as well.

And so today I coined myself the self-care surgeon and, there's

definitely a story behind that.

But, pretty much it just balls down to, me acknowledging.

that there's something deeper at the core for all of us when it comes to self-care.

It's not this surface level, commercialized thing of self-care,

but it's really at a deep root.

what is really causing, burnout, what is really causing anxiety and the stress and

the overwhelm and things Then so, I like to take a surgical approach and really

peel back the layers and get down to the root cause of what is really driving us

to, having anxiety and panic attacks.

What's really driving us to.

being overwhelmed and overburdened, you know, and those things.

And especially since I don't believe that God ever intended for

that to be the design of mankind.

Not at all, not one bit.

And so really want to delve into, you know, why this is

happening, you know, in society.

And then what can we do, especially, Christians in the marketplace?

What can we do to make sure that we're not coming from a place of

burnout, but we're coming from a place of thriving in Christ and in

the original zone that he has for us.

And so, but I'll also say, I meant to add as well that I am

a a mother and a wife as well.

I have a bonus daughter.

my husband and I got married and it'll be 16 years this year.

And so, I'm also his caregiver.

he has a significant disability.

And so caregiving has been a role again that I've, I've.

Played the part probably ever since I was 14, 15 years old, you know, being

with my grandmother and then my mom who had a terminal illness and, and now my

husband who has a significant disability.

So in the role of caregiving, of course, burnout and exhaustion and

overwhelm, all these things come up.

And so I had to understand and realize that if you don't prioritize

yourself first and foremost, then you cannot really be there the way

you need to, to be supportive, for those that you care and love for.

there was so much good info there.

And the cool thing is, Benita, I had some questions along the way that

I was gonna connect and then you started connecting some of them, but

I might dig a little bit more on them

Sure,

and because I heard a lot of cool stuff.

what's interesting about it is, when I do my research on people that I'm gonna be

talking to, I'll either read the book or listen to some podcasts they've been on,

which is, the easier thing to do nowadays.

And I've listened to you on a few podcasts and I've never heard.

Two things that you just brought up then.

I've never heard that you were a middle child and maybe I missed it.

Maybe you had shared it

and I

never heard that there was an age that something significant happened.

And I'll say it's that 14 years old.

I heard you say it two or three times when I kinda let you speak there.

and then I knew that I wanted to ask you about the caregiver role because I do

think it's significant in your journey.

And I think it's significant when we start trying to connect that to self-care.

Because many times people that care for others do not care.

You know what?

I'm gonna keep saying it the way I was gonna say it.

They care for others.

They don't care for themselves.

Absolutely, absolutely.

Absolutely correct.

and, but they won't, they don't admit that because they feel some, either a

burden or responsibility or whatever.

So my first dig deeper is for those of us that are the first born

mm-hmm.

in a family.

So we're the first born and I was the first born and at least on the

maternal side of the grandfather,

Okay.

you know,

Yeah.

not on my dad's side, but so I was first, and when I hear people talk about middle

or the youngest, I kind of nod and I go, yeah, okay, what's the big deal?

'cause I was like the center of everybody's universe

for this period of time.

So what do people that are not middle children need to know?

And I know we're generalizing, but what do they need to know

about being a middle child?

So I think a lot of, comes to mind for me is, this proven energy.

interestingly enough, I'm very competitive.

I always had a competitive nature, competitive spirit, and I could just

talk about myself, but it might be true for other, middle children as well.

But, for me, very competitive, always seeking attention, because you're

right, the firstborn always gets the attention and then the baby always gets

the attention and the middle kid kind of gets like, left out a little bit.

And so, that was at least my experience a lot, is that, there were times where I

felt like I needed to carve my own path.

I needed to, create my own identity.

Make my own identity because, I often felt like I was

overlooked even though I wasn't.

I wanna make that clear.

I wasn't, but it was just my own perceived, value at the time.

Right.

So, really sought out to carve my own path, make my own way, make my

own decisions, that type of thing.

very strong, headstrong and opinionated and, very confident as well.

And I think that the, the middle child is just trying to, again, just to self

identify and stand out, because the firstborn already has sort of like the

rights, so to speak, the rights, whatever that may mean or be, in a family you

kind of get first rights and then the baby is usually left with, you know,

You know, well, they're the last, so they can, just do whatever they want.

Nobody cares.

Exactly.

They don't have no discipline.

Nothing like that.

Come on.

oftentimes, you are looking after, the baby of the family, but at the same time,

I feel like you really have to chart your own journey, have your own path, and

really create an identity for yourself, as that middle child, to really stand out.

But that's just my story.

so you mentioned that you were an old soul.

You were also curious.

did you feel the need to grow up and perform, at a higher level than,

the older and we're not throwing your siblings under the bus here.

I hope.

Hope they don't listen.

Podcast interviews,

they go, oh my gosh.

Renita for

throwing

us under.

bus.

'cause reason we, our, our son who's the youngest,

mm-hmm.

we refer to him as an old soul.

Mm-hmm.

and,

and,

and he has a seriousness about him that I think it's nice to say he's

an old soul, but then it's also like he's a lot more serious about things

Yes.

and we don't know if he carries different burdens if he thinks, I don't know

what he's thinking, but what is it?

and go ahead and tie it into something that occurred when you were 12 to 14.

That obviously was when you really became aware of that.

'cause you mentioned it

Yes, absolutely.

So I do believe, to answer your question, that, there is, this level of

seriousness, really seeking, to, know who you are to come into identity, to

understand more about, The dynamics of family, understanding the dynamics

of how you fit in a family and what is your contribution to family.

I will say that, our family's very tight knit.

we grew up very close, very tight knit family.

And so we always were looking after one another.

It was my responsibility literally to look after my younger sister.

my older sister and I, there's like nine or 10 years apart, so

she was kind of like not around.

And so I did step into that role and kind of became, the older

sister looking after the younger.

and I just took that as a responsibility that I had.

And so at 14, I gave my life to Christ.

It was because I was on a quest.

I was searching to know more about, Some of the things I experienced as a child,

growing up I had a very strong, what I now know was a prophetic calling on my life.

didn't know it at the time, being young and in the church, the church that I grew

up in, we didn't really talk a lot about, the prophetic and that kind of thing.

And so I, there were things going on with me that I really didn't know

what to do about and how to handle.

I would get dreams and visions and I would see things, before

they happen and stuff like that.

And so I wanted to understand more about what was that, you

know, and how do I handle it?

How do I navigate?

So, at the age of 14, I just remember, it was one Friday

night and I had made a decision.

Actually, I could have gone with some friends, and I decided to

go to a prayer meeting instead.

So, I did that as a Friday night, and, that night is when I gave my

life to the Lord, for the first time.

And so, it was a very, just a moment in time that sealed kind of like, you know,

this path that I'm on now, you know?

And kind of laid the foundation and so I. From that time forward, you know, in my,

during my college years, I rededicated my life to Christ, you know, and in my

young twenties, I went on and encounter a powerful encounter that really changed the

trajectory of, you know, this Christian walk and what this really meant for me.

And so why I am here, you know?

now talking about self-care during that encounter, I remember just feeling very

exhausted and, overwhelmingly exhausted.

I was a young wife.

I was married, to my ex-husband, who has since passed on.

God rest his soul, but he had a significant disability as

well, and I was his caregiver.

So I'm in my young twenties and we are, dealing with,

terminal illness at that time.

and I didn't really understand how much it would have taken a toll on me.

And so I went to this encounter and, I just remember.

surrendering to God, like, just God, here I am.

I'm overwhelmed with the burden, of being a caregiver and all the duties of

a wife and this and that, and I just, I'm just laying it all, at your feet.

just surrendering myself.

And it was in that moment that I heard God say something to me and

he said, I just want you to rest.

I just, I want you to rest.

And I heard it so clearly, Tim.

I heard it so clearly Rest, it was just so out of the box.

Like

What is that?

What is rest?

and so simplistic at the same time.

but again, my analytical nature is always like kind of find the meaning

and dig further and find out what does that really mean exactly.

that kind of began my journey of this whole thing of resting in God.

and it would evolve into the message that I carry today.

rest is literally a gift from God.

It's what he says, Come unto him all he or a heavy lady and I will give you rest.

that's a real statement.

and that's what he desires for his people.

And so, I come to understand that rest is something that is a gift

from God that not many of us are really having the benefit of.

We don't really understand it, the benefits rest and why it's

so important to self-care.

Well, I obviously you were not going to call yourself at 14 the self-care surgeon.

and this is another thing.

This is one of the things I try to pick up on, and if I make too

much of this, you let me know.

But you've mentioned caregiver, I lost count of how many people

you have been caregiver for.

And I think it's four to five if I'm counting right.

And there may be more.

I think this is like one of the most important things to really

begin with, to kind of start going, moving towards the self-care surgeon.

But most people don't equate.

Caregiving to self care.

Usually it's a pour out everything to other people first, and then if

something's left over, maybe, and I've seen it from my wife, just so you

know, I haven't lived it 'cause I'm that firstborn child and I haven't,

Right.

I haven't cared for anyone.

I only care for myself.

Right.

Come on.

No, I don't need the self care 'cause I've been doing that my whole life.

But no, my, yeah, but my, my, you know, so my wife's kinda unique

in that with her father's first marriage, she was the youngest with

his second marriage, she was the.

Oldest and then, and then also the middle.

So she kind of had all of that going.

and then her parents went through divorce and all that again, so she always had

this perform to keep everybody happy.

And then she moved into caregiver role with her mother, even when

her mother kind of didn't need care, but she kind of, their roles

reversed and all this kind of stuff.

So I've seen it and I've seen what it looks like for someone to be

burdened with the office of caregiving.

And, there's guilt that comes into it.

I think there's a spiritual aspect to it also that we might,

could unpack a little bit.

And all of this kind of comes in and then I think it causes someone

to really think I'm doing something for God and he's gonna take care of

it, but we're, I think we might be doing it for other reasons, maybe.

So all of that, I just said a bunch of stuff, so you take whatever you want

and refute it or agree with it and keep

going.

No, absolutely.

You're spot on.

Actually.

this is a discovery, this is a path, a journey.

So it's not a quick fix.

It's not an overnight success.

It's not something that you arrived to add and then like all of a

sudden you got it figured out.

No, this is a journey.

It's a course.

And so, what I understand about it, to this point, to this degree,

is that we do, we carry a burden,

A need to be needed, so to speak.

You know, there's this need to be needed.

And, I identified with that early on in my life, I realized that, part

of why I am in a caregiving role is because I permitted it, right?

It's something I permitted.

So I had to dig down and really understand, well, why am I permitting it?

You know, what is it giving me?

You know, what is this actually giving me, that I'm either enjoying or that I

feel secure in, or that I find safety in, or whatever the case may be.

And so when I dig down deeper, I realized that I had a need to be needed.

And so that's what was driving, that was the motivator and the

motivating force behind why, I stepped into the caregiving roles.

And so, but I had to kind of reexamine my life and say, well,

what would this look like if I didn't have that need to be needed?

You know, and why, what am I feeling insecure about in my

own self and my own identity?

As to why I feel like I need the validation of others, I

need to feel like I'm needed by others and that kind of thing.

And so that kind of led me down a path and a journey to understanding what's at the

core of that, what's at the root of that.

So, yeah, I just wanna fast forward a little bit.

So where I, my breaking point was actually, in 2014.

It was right after my mom had, gone to Glory.

part of my role was that I was in, nonprofit executive

management for over 20 years.

So being in the nonprofit sector, of course, any type of human service,

role that you play, you see the pattern just continue to play out.

Even in my professional career, in some way, shape or form, I'm advocating

or, caring for the needs of others, looking after others and caring for

their needs, typically before my own.

And so that played out in my professional life as well.

For over 20 years.

I was an executive director in a nonprofit organization.

And so, a lot of the, work came home with me.

I took a lot of the work home.

And so, it was one day when I was getting ready for, a business

retreat, actually, ironically.

And, one of my coworkers came into the office and she kind of like

just stood in my doorway and she's like, Hey, are you feeling okay?

I was like, yeah, I feel great.

Why?

You know?

And she was like, well, you, you don't look like you're, you're feeling great.

And I was like, what do you mean?

And so I took out a mirror and just sort of like looked at myself and

I was literally unrecognizable.

I did not recognize myself.

I did not recognize my reflection in the mirror because, half of my face

had literally lost all muscle mask.

And, half of my face was drooping.

I didn't feel it, there was no sensation behind it or anything like

that, but I definitely realized that something wasn't right, you know, that

there was definitely something wrong.

And so from that point, I ended up going to the emergency room.

And that began a year long process of literally understanding that

I had hit a wall of burnout.

there would be series of tests, series of, you know, going to the doctor.

I had to come outta work.

So my whole life literally got turned upside down in that one moment.

And because of that, I understood, you know, at that point that.

I could never go back to doing life the way that I had been doing it because

I literally was neglecting myself.

I put everybody and everything else on the front burner and I

literally was on the back burner.

And I just did not know, I was not aware, of how to be kind to myself.

And it was in that moment again that I heard that whisper, that voice

from God saying, I need you to rest.

I just, I want you to rest.

So here's a recurring theme now that's going on in my life.

and God often speaks in patterns.

He often speaks in patterns.

And so here I am again approached with this identity of, or this

ideal of rest and what that is.

And so I understood that I needed to understand that in order to

navigate this dark path of change, I have to get down deeper to.

How do I get this rest that God has for us?

What is this really all about?

and there began my journey honestly to, what I've come into now, which is the

self-care surgeon and understanding more about God's rest for us and why it's so

necessary and so important regardless of the roles that you play, regardless

of the patterns you know, that, that are in your life or the hats that you wear.

there is a rest for all of us, and God has it for us, and we just have

to be mindful of how we can tap into it, how we can stay in it, how we can

flow in it, and literally how we can steward well that which he has given

us because it is actually stewardship.

It's a stewardship principle, that I've come to understand about rest.

there's so much there.

I'm watching my time 'cause I want us to move into,

we'll

call it post 2014 and some of the things you've learned, but I wanna

spend just a couple of minutes

on

pre 2014 because we've got leaders listening in.

We've got leaders in ministry and business and some of them might be going and this

theory is becoming, I think, less than a theory and more of a hardened truth.

And that is that as smart as we all are, some of us that are coaches and

we are

spiritually advanced, we think, and blah, blah, blah, all this kind of

stuff, we know that we need to rest.

God told you a few times that you need to rest.

God told you, Bonita, I hate to hammer that, but God told you.

And if you're not gonna listen to God, who are you gonna listen to?

But yet we don't make the changes until what I call a catalytic event occurs.

Absolutely.

know, for us, 2008, the financial downfalls, kind of what God said,

oh, now I can get your attention.

It sounds like for you 2014, you were almost having a stroke-like symptoms,

sitting in your office of all places, and a friend or a coworker had to

come in and say, something's not right with you, and you didn't even know it.

Unaware.

So first of all, I want to ask why is it that we fool ourselves in

thinking we've got our act together.

Mm-hmm.

and kind of secondarily, I want you to talk about leaders that are leading in

the pre 2014 mindset that you were leading in, because in a little while we're

gonna talk about how we should be leading

now.

But anyway,

Absolutely does.

Yes.

Absolutely.

All right.

So, and thank you for that.

So, just to go back to pre 14 again, it comes from, it stems from this, this idea

of self effort, this idea of performance management, this idea of, I, I got it.

I can handle it, you know, again, from my childhood all the way up.

It was this responsibility that I had, this overarching responsibility,

whether self-induced or not, whether induced by environment.

It doesn't matter.

It still was a pattern.

It became a pattern for me, for the way that I carried out and conducted my life.

It was that I'm in charge, I'm in control.

I have to have this responsibility.

I have to take care of everything.

and that morphed into this, performance mentality.

I can never break down, I have to be strong.

I have to be the one to carry the load.

I put the way I, I, I, me, me, me, me, me, me, I, I, I. and I really believe

that that is the catalyst of what, drives this motive of self effort and

self, producing and all the selfs.

You know, all of the things that come along with, effort.

And I believe that's the root of where burnout and exhaustion

and overwhelm and the stress and anxiety and everything comes from.

And I believe what God is telling us is that there is a more excellent

way we don't have to have these self, efforts and these self-promoting or

self, performance mechanisms in place.

there is a more excellent way, and it's the way of stewardship,

understanding that, what we've accumulated, is really not our own.

It belongs to God.

And that's the first thing, being able to let go of what's mind.

Mine, mine, mine.

And I, I, I, I, I, we belong to God.

And then everything in the earth belongs to God and the fullness thereof.

So we understand that we own nothing.

It all belongs to God, and he is allowing us and permitting us to be able to steward

well that which he's giving unto us.

And so it's really about self effort versus stewardship, or what I wanna

call ownership versus stewardship.

Yeah.

Love that.

We talk about that a lot.

one quick question though that I wanna ask about your role, and this is a

trick question, I'll go ahead and tell you right up front, it's gonna

be one that you're gonna go, Ooh, I wonder how I should answer that.

mind right now.

Yeah.

I'm an engineer from Georgia Tech, so I'm trying to do, do you think that knowing

what you know now, that you really were.

as good at what you were doing pre 2014 as you really thought you were, because

I'm sure you got your promotions, you were an executive, you were running the

show, people were coming to you, you were awesome, but were you really that good?

I mean, obviously you were a time bomb.

There was a ticking time bomb going on, but tell me about some things.

I mean, and I don't even know if you could think of exact decisions.

You know, when you think you're, you're the owner and if it's, if it is to me,

it's, if it is to be, it's up to me.

Benita, I'm the one

Right.

versus what you know now, which is rest and release.

So were you really that good or were you

not?

here's the question here.

Was I really in that much of control or was I not?

And the answer to that is a resounding no.

No, I wasn't as in control as I thought I was.

And really that's what it boils down to, Tim, it's not really about anything else.

It's not the performance, it's not the numbers, it's not the

profitability and the projectability.

It's really about control.

Was I really in control as much as I think I would like to have been, and

the answer to that is no, not at all.

Not at all.

I could tell you that because in 2019, I actually, left the company not by

my own will and my own choice, but I actually had no other choice but to leave.

And it just, showed me how much I was not in control as I thought that I was.

and things like that happen in life, right?

you think that you're in control one minute and the next minute, you

know, the rug comes and just kind of sweep the rug out from under your

feet and you're left on the floor.

Like, what just happened?

And so that's what it's like.

But it's a wake up call for us to understand who's really in control.

Who's really in control, you know?

And when we can surrender our own, perspective of control

and self-control and like come from, come out of self-control

into willful surrender, right?

Willful surrender, that's an important word.

Not just surrender because there are things of life that can happen to

you that will cause you to surrender.

But what I'm talking about is we can get to a place in God where there

is willful surrender, where it is done not as a consequence, like in

my case and in your case, right.

But it's done as, as a. An acknowledgement and awareness that

God, all that I have belongs to you,

Hmm.

apart from you, I'm nothing.

it's a willful surrender and, a posture of our heart.

And when we can get into that heart posture of surrender, there

are miracle signs and wonders.

There's a supernatural overflow of God that will be unleashed, that we

won't have home enough to receive.

And that's really the message that I bring today, is that we literally

can go from toiling and self effort and striving to this place of

supernatural overflow abundance more than enough with less effort.

If we come into this posture, this heart posture of surrender, the

highest form of faith is rest.

Yeah.

And it's hard.

It's so hard for achievers to get that.

What's interesting, you mentioned you were for one year, in the hospital.

I think you were probably a caregiver at that time and typically someone

in the hospital can't be a caregiver 'cause everybody else is having to care.

Then I'm, I'm guessing,

and

we don't want to go here 'cause I'm gonna, I wanna move on, but I'm guessing that

it wasn't immediately willful surrender.

It was probably like you were fighting it, surrender, but eventually it

became

willful.

Oh, I had no choice in that, in that, scenario.

It was not a willful surrender.

It was definitely a forced surrender.

Yeah.

So everything I knew about my life had totally changed overnight, and the things

that I was once, you know, in control of, I thought I was in control of.

I totally out of my hands, literally to the time that I wake up in the morning,

to the time that I go to bed at night, to me, operating a vehicle, to me preparing

meals for my family, for me taking care of other people, I had to surrender all

of that, everything that I had known, you know, not being able to work a job.

I mean, it was like night and day, completely different, but I had to learn

how to navigate this dark path of change.

It's almost like wrestling with the angel like Jacob did when

he wrestled with the angel.

And he said, I won't turn you loose until you bless me.

But when he came out of that moment, he came out with a limp, right?

The Bible, his name was changed from Jacob Israel, but he had a limp,

which was a reminder, a constant reminder that he had wrestled.

And so, I will literally say that my body, I know my body so well now, I'm so in

tune, in sync with it until I'll get those little messages, those little like mm-hmm.

When I've over exerted myself or when I'm not in rest, or when I'm not, really

fully surrendered, I will get those little nudges and taps on the shoulder

saying, don't go back into that self, imposed self effort and self control.

don't do that.

Was there a physical diagnosis of what you went through or

was it just stress related?

Do you still have a limp?

I mean, for those that are listening, they're watching video.

Your face is beautiful so you don't have half your face sagging right now.

Beautiful smile and all that.

But um, was there anything physical?

The reason I bring it up is that,

mm-hmm.

let's see, Alicia, Michelle is an episode that either released maybe

right before you or after you went through a physical challenge in 2017.

We've had so many

that have

gone through situations and there is often a physical diagnosis, but

most will say in all likelihood it was stress related or inflamed

or induced or something like that.

What, real quickly, what was there

physical aspect?

Yeah.

so, absolutely.

So, it was first diagnosed as seizure disorder.

but then later on after, again, a number of tests and things, there

is this, condition called, and it's a long word, so I'm trying to make

sure I enunciate, correctly, but it's Hemi, he speral facial spasms.

So it's facial spams of a hemisphere, if you will.

That doesn't sound good.

That doesn't sound good

That doesn't sound good at all.

No, and it's like where the nerves just kind of spazz out in the back of, the

brain that connects the neck part and it just kind of, yeah, goes on this

little spazz out tarn and so interesting.

that's what it was known, but it was definitely triggered.

There are triggers for that or to that and stress being of

course, number one up there.

Alright, so,

so

so let's fast forward.

You continued working in that nonprofit world.

It's real interesting, I noticed a lot of people that are in

nonprofit and kinda caregiving.

There's this aspect of giving.

but now you're in this role where we will call you the self-care surgeon

and tell me a little bit about that.

'cause that makes you move from working for someone else, which has its own

issues to now sort of working for yourself and then working with others

that are high performers, executives, leaders, and all the people that listen

in here, by the way, for the most part.

So talk about that transition and what that was like,

because that could be kind of

stressful also.

Oh, absolutely.

Yeah.

Entrepreneurship, welcome to the world of, of even more stress, right?

so, yeah.

what happened, is after I, I guess back in 20.

16, 20 17, after I, I was on this journey again of, of self-healing,

like learning about my body, being in tune with, you know, what the

self-care looked like for me.

It's different for each individual person, but how can I become more aware of the

warning signs of burnout and things like that as it pertains to myself.

while I'm seeking knowledge and information to help me, to guide me,

what I realized is that my goodness, there may be other people out there

that are experiencing and going through some of the same things.

And some of the things that I was looking for at the time that I was

going through, I did not find, like I was seeking, you know, wise counsel.

I was trying to, you know, find any coaches or someone that could help me.

I did not wanna go into, you know, the medical spectrum, if you will,

and be labeled and diagnosed and all these things and go down that path.

So I was always looking for something that was more holistic, something

that was more, catered to, to my beliefs and things like that.

But I didn't find that connection.

And so I realized that what God had given me.

This process of how I can renew, and refocus.

how I can come into rest.

I realized that that was something that would be beneficial

for other people as well.

So in 2017, I was, I was on a business trip.

I went to a, a business retreat.

They call it a, a spiritual business retreat, literally.

And so, while I was there, again, just laying humbled before God and praying

to him about what is my next direction?

What is my next step?

And I literally heard him tell me that, destination, he

gave me the word destination.

So it's like destination with a R Destination.

And so, and, and rest the nation is, this is this point of where

divine purpose meets dominion Rest.

It's, it's where you come together and realize, you know, that there

is a way that seems right, but that way leads to destruction.

And so you want to.

Chart the more excellent path, you know, the more excellent way.

And so, you can literally bring together, what I call faith in

business can literally coexist together, and live together in harmony.

And so, that's where that was birthed from.

And so from there, I just, you know, I was working a business on part-time on the

side, and, I was in the nonprofit sector still until 2019 when I, again, not of my

own doing, but circumstances and things happened, which caused me to, no longer

be with that particular organization.

And I just went full time into what guy had given me.

And I've been doing this ever since.

so God gave you a couple years to get ready

Yes.

and then, you know, some people say, oh, I don't think God took her out

of that job To me, I'm listening in.

It was time

It was

and it wasn't fun because, you know, this is the big deal.

Let's go and call it out like it is

Yeah.

to get a paycheck every

To

get learned everything I needed to learn there.

So he literally told me like, now is the time you've learned

everything you needed to learn there.

Yeah.

And, and you know what, we can get kind of comfortable getting a paycheck every

two weeks versus all of a sudden, in your new organization, entrepreneurship,

you may not get a paycheck

every two weeks.

Right.

Not at all.

No.

There is definitely some seeds to be sown.

Yeah, and the thing about it is that that's where the trust and the, and I

think that's where that surrender for me, because I get comfortable in certain

situations and oddly enough, I've just.

Taken a role that would be called a job at 61 years old.

And I was telling my wife, I said, this is gonna be interesting 'cause

I haven't had a quote unquote job.

it's with a great friend and a client and a great company that I've been working

with as a coach for five years, but

wow.

I've taken a, a sort of a job and I haven't had a job since 1996.

So it's like, we'll see how this works out.

I'll get back with you on that.

I'm sure it'll go great.

but, it's real interesting that that shift, Benita, so you're working now.

what, how would you define, the ideal or the avatar that you work with now?

What does it

like?

What type people?

Yeah, so now it's definitely, it's shifted actually quite a few

times, since I began back in 2017.

most recently it's definitely dealing with the leaders who identify with

doubt, who identify with self effort, who want more than just, to make a living.

But they wanna make an impact, but they want to do it without

the consequence of burnout.

they really want to be more influential, but they want to do it without

the consequence, again, of stress and overwhelm and anxiety wanna

come out of the performance based.

system and into more of a stewardship based system.

Those are the leaders, those are the CEOs, the founders

that I'm looking to work with.

There is a message from God I truly believe.

and it has to deal with overflow and us really stepping into the overflow of God.

You know, the more than enough, the having more with less effort.

there is a real place in God where we can experience those things, and we

should be experiencing those things on a much higher rate than we are.

as a body of believers.

And so I just believe that God is preparing us, preparing our hearts to

receive more, but to steward well that which he has given unto us in this time.

Right.

I'm curious, are you working

mm-hmm.

with people that are wanting to not go through situations

like you and I and others have?

Are they get, are they ahead of that curve or are you seeing people that

have gone through it and they need help to kinda keep moving through it?

What are you seeing more of in your

people

that

are attracted to you?

Yeah, so I'm seeing more of the latter.

Something has already happened.

Darn.

hoping that people,

I was hoping people would learn

from

our mistakes.

I know, right?

you think about society, you think about, the younger generations

now are experiencing more stress and burnout and anxiety and

overwhelmed than thought imaginable.

I mean, it's off the charts with younger generations experiencing,

voluntary, absenteeism or, mental health and all these other things that are

going on, which is costing businesses billions of dollars, by the way.

Right?

And so, yeah, this is definitely, the pandemic showed improved.

just how much we are engulfed in, this burnout and this exhaustion, society as a

whole just being burnt out and exhausted.

And how do we bounce back from that?

How do we really recalibrate?

You know, and come into, more of an alignment, what I like to call an

alignment with God's design and his will for our life and how he purposed

us to really experience, overflow and supernatural abundance and grace and

the favor and all the things we talk about, but rarely are we achieving that?

and, you know, seeing it in droves.

And so that's the message I come with.

let's, in our time, we have left here, 10, 15 minutes, something like that.

I would really like to, 'cause we've had a great, we've kind of gotten to

this place where now I want us to talk about maybe some practical things.

And the first thing that I wanna do is I wanna overcome this perception that

some of us might have about self-care.

Because self-care is a word in our culture that gets used

for a lot of different things.

And some people might say, oh yeah, you just need to get a therapist.

And some people may, some people you've mentioned you didn't

want to go down a medical route.

Some people may need to do that.

I like more natural and different things like that, and I would be one Benita.

So I'm gonna have you convince me maybe a little bit as a, I would be one that

I would sort of poo poo self-care.

It's like, come on, that sounds like, oh man, you gonna just gonna go

get a therapist and get a mani-pedi every other week and, you know, maybe

a massage or something like that.

Right.

with that snarky cynical prep for you, tell

me how you define self-care.

Absolutely.

First of all, I say self-care is essential to peak performance.

For people like you and me, high achievers, go getters, go

givers, all the things, right?

Self, performance is, is, is high on our, on our list, right?

We're always seeking ways that we can perform better, and,

and get more out of ourselves.

And so what I say is, self-care is essential to peak performance.

If you want peak performance.

You cannot achieve peak performance without self-care.

Alright?

That's first and foremost.

And self-care is literally, the way I define it is it's

being in total alignment, okay?

In every aspect of your life.

Your physical, your mental, your social, your emotional, your spiritual,

you being in total alignment in all areas of your life at the same time.

Think about that being in total succinct in harmony.

What would life be like if we were in total succinct, in harmony in

all areas and aspects of our lives?

At the same time.

And I truly believe that that is, a level in God that he wants us to achieve.

I believe that that's where he wants us to go.

As leaders, as founders, as caregivers, whatever your role is, I believe that

there is this, again, this more excellent way, this path, to, to total wellbeing

and to total health and wholeness.

And it begins with self-care.

It's being able to identify, with those areas of your life that is not quite

in alignment with where God would have you, and really surrendering those

areas of control, to God and allowing him to come in and help us to get his

perspective on what it truly means to live in total wellness our bodies as a

temple, our mindsets, our careers, our families, all these are gifts from God.

How are we stewarding?

Well, what he has given us, rest again is essential.

I believe that rest is the highest form of faith, our total trust in God to

receive from him what he has for us.

And I believe that's where it starts.

So Benita this, this I think might be my last cynical question, and

then we'll do something different.

Part of me, I actually have this hyper optimistic and hyper pessimistic

sometimes living inside me.

I don't know if it's like, you know, the angel on each shoulder

where one looks like the devil with a pitchfork and the other one

looks like, Michael, the archangel.

part of me would ask a follow up question to say, do we really think

that that total harmony and alignment is possible in this natural realm?

We live in this side of whatever, you know, if it's heaven or whatever.

do we really think that's possible?

And if so, let's start talking about some practices, maybe things that

we can do to get to that place.

if it's something we're just almost always getting to, that's fine because

I think most people need to get closer than they are now to whatever that is.

Right?

So,

so

start taking us down that path.

great question.

And I would say yes to that.

It is a journey.

However, I think what we are looking for in society is the quick fixes.

We want the overnight, wins the overnight successes.

We want the one time deals and then everything is good right from here on out.

It doesn't work that way.

It is definitely a process.

It is a posture, what I call a divine sequence, if you will, divine sequence to

receiving the overflow of God to receiving the more than enough the all that he

has, and I truly believe that there is, a way that we can journey that path, that

we can be on the path to achieve that.

That's the thing.

you gotta be willing, first of all, acknowledging and being willing to

surrender to saying, you know what?

I'm not in control.

I don't have it all figured out.

I don't know, all the things or whatever the case, but I'm

willing to surrender, to learn.

I'm willing to surrender to God who will help me to understand and come

into, this knowledge and wisdom.

Solomon asked for it.

You think about it in the Bible, Solomon, what he asked for.

He didn't ask for riches.

He didn't ask for, money and things like that, he said, God, I need your wisdom.

I need your wisdom.

I need your knowing.

I need your insights.

Or insights, okay?

As to, as to how to lead these people, right As a leader,

how to lead these people.

And what he was literally asking was, God, I need you to show me how to

steward well that what you have given me.

Stewardship is a gift.

It's a gift from God.

It's not something that we automatically come into and no,

you don't automatically know how to steward all that God has for you.

But he said, seek you first.

The king of God is righteousness.

And then all these things will be added.

Why seek you first?

Because we need the wisdom.

We need the know how from God in order to steward what he's given.

So yes, the answer to your question is yes, there is definitely a

way, there's a path to this.

but how we go about it is we seek his wisdom on it.

We understand that, you know, Rome was not built in a day, as they say.

with this, there are definitely, hills and valleys, there are gonna be times

of surrender and times of we recognize and identify we haven't surrendered.

Right.

And then how do we do that?

So there's definitely a divine process and a flow, and, that's part of

why I'm here to share this message.

That's good.

So, I love the reference to Matthew 6 33 too.

That's like a foundational scripture for me,

Mm-hmm.

that Seek first did a big study on the Kingdom of God.

Yes.

All right.

You mentioned something earlier about being in tune with your body

and what's going on, and obviously going back to pre 2014, you weren't,

No, not at all.

tell me I am better.

I.

Now at that than I once was.

I'm monitoring how well I rest and sleep.

if I feel a little bit of a something, I'll try to allow it to recover and heal.

I'll try to be mindful of my mood and mindset and attitude and

what's going on with the little, digestion and parts of my body.

tell me more about how, like, kind of specific, how are you in tune with your

body that other people might need to know?

'cause I kind of get the feeling you teach people that some, so

tell me a little bit more about

because I think that's really important.

Absolutely.

I believe that, again, awareness is key.

I believe that awareness, if you're aware, then you can start to make change, right?

You can only make change of what you become aware of.

And so I think awareness is where it begins.

And so it's really becoming, Just quieting the noises in your life, the

distractions in your life, really coming into, a spiritual awareness, first of

all, I can, I can honestly say that in the stillness and the quietness in my times

with God in my prayer and in my, my times of meditation are in my times of just

sitting quiet, sitting still before him is where things get revealed the most.

It's how things become revealed the most.

And so, even as it pertains to my health, even as it pertains to my mindset

and my mental agility and things like that, when I connect and tune in with

the spirit of God, when I silence the noise and I tune out every distraction,

and I'm in this place and position of posture and rest with God, that's when

things start to become clear to me.

That's where the clarity begins.

For not just my physical, but my mental, my emotional, my social, my spiritual,

all aspects begin to come in alignment.

It's like you build an altar and you lay yourself prostrate at the altar, and then

he's able to take literally, all the cares of the world away so that you can tune

in directly and have that one-on-one time with him, and he'll reveal to you the

things that may be causing, the strife in your life or the stress in your life,

or the overwhelm and things like that.

And so when you come out of that, you really get an understanding and awareness,

like, wow, you know, I need to drink more water, or I need to, you know, be able to,

what I call intentional rest throughout my day, take periods of time and really step

away from the hustle and bustle and the grind, and really get back in alignment.

Allow yourself to readjust and get realigned with God's spirit.

Be able to be in tune, stay in that posture.

that takes work.

But you can get into a rhythm, where you can have active rest

cycles, and intentional rest cycles, where throughout your day you're

taking these intentional pauses and you're just getting in realignment.

You know, you get in realignment with God and hearing from him and being

able to move according to that rhythm,

Yeah, I think that's one of the things we, tried to do before we hit record.

I said, Hey listen, let's pause and take a second.

It's on my notes to do it.

Mm-hmm.

other habits or practices before I ask my final few questions?

Just maybe a good little practical habit or tip that can really help somebody

Yes, I would say, recognize the warning signs early.

looking back now, I can see that there were definitely

some warning signs, for me.

if you have no off switch, if you're always constantly on go mode.

we weren't designed to be on goal 24 7, right?

We were designed to, to again, have a off switch, to be able to switch off.

So if you're carrying your work home, for example, don't carry your work home,

really set boundaries, for yourself and give yourself time and space to,

come away from the day-to-day work.

I practice a formula called the 90 20 rule, where I'll work on focus work for

90 minutes, and then I'll break away and do 20 minutes of non-focused activity.

But you do the 90 20, you work hard, for 90 minutes, and then

you break away for 20 minutes.

that way it gives your brain a recharge because your brain is one of the largest

organs that uses up the most energy, you need to definitely recharge your

brain multiple times throughout the day.

the 90 20 rule has been really practical, for me in my life.

What,

that as well.

what's your favorite?

20? What?

Is it something that you really dig doing

that 20 minutes?

I am a writer.

I'm a scribe for Jesus, if you will.

So taking that time is still in the way.

And journaling, writing things like that for me, is beneficial.

I love walking.

I'll take walks, you know, nature, just kind of getting reacclimated

with, the sense and awareness of the moments that are going on.

Unplugging from technology and really just being present in the moments.

it could be, Journaling or, coloring.

I've heard that some people like to color, they like to take out a coloring book

and just, color and do things like that.

Whatever kind of disconnects you from that focus work, that hardcore focus work and

just kind of puts you more in the mindset of creativity and imagination and play and

that kind of thing is what you wanna do.

Yeah.

Interesting.

my wife has done that.

She actually has a, something on her

iPad

that she could doodle and color and all that.

Crochet and I'll do, yeah.

Make patterns and different things like that.

So anything like that that'll allow you to tap into your creative juice.

Yeah, I've, I've got one more, what I'll call an exclamation point

question, but before I do Benita, tell everybody how they can find you, how

they could work with you, or if, if someone says, Hey, I'd just like to

follow up and talk to you or something.

Tell everybody how they can do that.

We'll include it down in notes and all that, but give that

to

everybody.

I've got one more question we'll finish up with.

Absolutely.

Yes.

So you can reach me@bonitawilliams.com.

It's just my name, bonita williams.com.

And you can go there, to schedule an appointment with me.

I'd love to chat with you.

if anything about, you know, burnout, you know how you can get, more out of yourself

without, you know, with less work and less effort, anything about stewardship

or even just tapping into the overflow, I believe that there's definitely an

overflow, a supernatural abundance of God that he has for all of us.

And I'm here to help you, with that.

So benita williams.com.

All right, we'll include all that.

All right.

Here's my final, this is, I'm gonna call this an exclamation point.

I want you to speak directly to a specific group, and I believe that there

are many people out there who might feel trapped in the role of caregiver.

Hmm.

They believe that they're either caring for a parent, child, spouse,

someone else, and we may even have something like that in our title that

might attract them to this episode.

So, Benita, I want you to take, 20, 30, 60 seconds, whatever.

And I would love for you to encourage someone who is feeling overwhelmed

or trapped in that role of caregiver, especially since you were wired that way.

You probably still are, you're still caregiving, but you've sort

of, aligned and harmonized with it might be a best way of saying it.

so speak directly to someone who might be trapped

in, in caregiving.

Absolutely.

Thank you again.

First of all, Tim, for your time today.

I really, really thoroughly enjoyed our time together.

So to the leader that's wearing all the hats, because

caregiving is a hat, it's a role.

I will say to you, to be kind to yourself, first and foremost, be kind to yourself.

God loves you, and he charged us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves.

So the first rule of that Is to love yourself.

Listen to your body.

you don't have to be super man or super woman.

we have a savior who loved us so much that he saved the world.

He saved us.

And so we can rely on his strength, we can draw from his source, we can

draw from his energy, we can draw from his spirit, and we can be refreshed.

We can be restored, we can be renewed.

I will say that our bodies are the temple of the Lord.

And so if we're gonna house the temple of the Lord, we're gonna house Holy Spirit.

We have to be mindful how we shepherd, how we steward, our bodies.

And so I would just invite you to become aware, to let go of the shame and the

guilt, of whatever you may be feeling.

And to really allow God who is already in control, To take the lead and

orchestrate your life, your plan, it's already been planned out and

you're simply just walking the path.

And so just rest in that, that God has you.

And that he has, you on his heart and he's put people in place, such

as myself, to help you along this journey, to be kind to yourself.

Thank you, Benita.

I appreciate that.

Benita Williams, the self-care surgeon, this has been a great conversation and

it's kind of hit upon a theme here at Seat

create

we've had for a number of episodes.

And I might even start including the links to kind of, you almost do a

masterclass in some of these topics.

So, make sure you go check out Benita, go to her website, take a

look at all that she's done, and, I know it'll be a blessing to you.

We're seek go create here.

We've got new episodes every Monday.

We, so appreciate everyone who has been putting all the comments over on YouTube.

We're growing there at a, at a fast rate podcast.

All the things.

We just appreciate all of you.

we'll see everybody next week on Seat.

Go create.