INTRO VOICE:

Content Warning: Screaming, brief sounds of torture, and what might be called lack-of-body horror.

SFX: News Intro Music

NEWS READER JESS: (at mic)

Good morning to the Front Range, and thanks as always for tuning in to XTTY: Independent Internet News and Music for Fort Collins, Loveland, and Longmont.

And as a reminder, the phones are open! Got a sighting? A theory? Spotted yet another wreck at College & Horsetooth? Call XTTY at 970-591-2401. We’re here to listen, we take music requests, and we never talk to the Feds.

I’m Jess, here for your morning commute or walk of shame, but that will be changing soon. I’ve received approval to start a late-night program here on the only station to bring you the news behind the noise. So stay tuned for more info on my upcoming show, A Disturbance in the Frequency.

But for now, it is 7:57, skies are mostly clear, and today’s high should be 69°. Nice.

It is, of course, a bit cooler up in the mountains to the west, specifically Cripple Creek, where rumors of the Tommyknockers are resurgent. Local teens who slipped away from the tour group in the Mollie Kathleen Gold Mine claim to have heard the ominous creaks and knocking sounds associated with these gnome-like creatures moments before a cave-in had them crawling through the rubble to get back to the main tunnel.

While it is more likely that the sounds were the shifting of earth and support beams that herald a cave-in, one of the teens swears he photographed the prints of tiny bare feet in the dust of the floor. If he sends the promised pic, we’ll update you.

For now, let’s bless your commute with an oldie but a goodie from Izzy Izzy Isabelle, “Are You Kidding Me With This Email?”

But first: To that gent that called the hotline and left a message about something terrible happening under Denver International Airport today? You said your name was…Virgil? Vincent? Something with a V. Please call back. We’re here to listen.

SFX: Good Morning Evildoers theme music fades in then out.

WINIFRED: (at mic)

Good morning, Evildoers. Time for another productive day at Global Synergy Amalgamated! This is Winifred from HR with your daily announcements, still out here in Colorado at the base under Denver International Airport.

I have to say, even though I’m looking forward to coming back to the main lair, Colorado has been a delight. Crisp mountain air, incredible night-time skies, and have you ever heard wind in lodgepole pines? It sounds like the sea! What a fascinating plant we have here to subjugate.

And speaking of, remember that we’re still doing employee matching of donations to Nature.org — ‘cause you can’t conquer a world if there’s no world to conquer, mm? That’s The Nature Conservancy at Nature.org: Conserving the lands and waters on which all life and unlife depends.

Well! On to the first things that oughta be first, yes, we know, and we have a ticket in with Facilities about the gravity fluctuations in Sector 9. If you regularly use that long hallway past the soul reclamation chambers, reach out to Supply and get some weighted or magnetic boots. Don’t yeet yourself into the ceiling. Are they not saying ‘yeet’ anymore? That’s a shame.

In happier news, big congrats to R&D! With a bit of judicious bribery, and reams of paperwork, their new Lesser Plague slid right under the radar at OSHA! This is a huge win. I know the team has been working very hard on that. I’m so excited to see if the nasal tentacles symptom made it through testing. That’s a hard one to explain away to the other moms in the car pool lane. I think we’re going to see some anti-maskers wearing a little something to conceal those wigglers. That’ll be fun.

Speaking of fun, this week’s Lunch and Learn will be pre-empted for a safety training entitled How To Survive When The Walls Start Breathing. I know it’s not the best title, but if any of you recall the Respiration Decimation of ‘89, you’ll remember how tricky that was!

And hold on to your lungs, evildoers, because this session will be presented by none other than Archivist Mother Palps! Yes, that Mother Palps. You know she catalogued the screams last time and has been asking for a repeat scenario ever since. Make sure to arrive early and don’t step on her spinnerettes. There are some things even HR can’t save you from.

Quick reminder. I know that Fridays are “Veil Between The Worlds” casual, but please remember that must conceal anything that makes you giggle when it’s stroked. Some of your coworkers have vision that extends beyond the standard three dimensions so don’t get cute with that. We’re evil, not harrassers.

Well, that’s everything for now. Go on out there and be your worst self today! Bye-bye now!

_____

Whew! All done with that, Coelacanth. Are you ready to come with for the meeting with the Atlaneans? They’ll love your tentacles as much I…

SFX: Coelacanth growling

Honey, why are you growling? You can’t be between me and the door, baby. Even if you don’t want to go, I have to. This is important. We need to smooth over… stop that! No! Bad dog. You let me go this instant.

What has gotten into you!

SFX: Coelacanth growling and whining

Sweet boy, I don’t know what’s wrong, but this is important. You can stay here if you like, mm? I’ll be right back. And tell you what, we’ll wait here until sundown, and then go out for a run before we head back to the main lair, okay?

SFX: Coelacanth whining

Coelacanth: (struggling w/ human speech)

Don’t. Go. Bad. People.

WINIFRED:

Oh. Oh! Sweet boy. You’ve never spoken before. C’mere. Come here, sweetheart. There. There. Is that better? I know the Higher Ups are bad, Coelacanth. We all are. We’re evil. That’s…kinda what we do.

Oh. I’m so sorry, my sweet boy. I promise you, it’ll be okay, mm? What have I always told you? “I’ll come to thee by moonlight, though Hell should bar the way.”

That’s right. Calm down. Better? Hm? Okay. I’m gonna go handle this meeting and then we’ll have some snuggles.

SFX: Coelacanth whining, door opening, footsteps retreating

Coelacanth: (faintly)

Good. Dog. [pause] Good. Dog. Get. Help.

SFX: Footsteps, door opening

WINIFRED:

Well, good morning, so glad to see you all [dissolves into screaming]

SFX: Wet noises, then silence

WINIFRED: (glitchy computer noises throughout)

Hello? I…I can’t see. I can’t see anything I can’t…I can’t hear? Hello? Anyone there?

Anyone? There’s nothing…there’s nothingness. I can’t see I can’t hear I can’t touch…

Is anyone there?

Anyone?

Coelacanth..?

Hey y’all. This is Steph. And here endth the second season of Good Morning Evildoers. We’ll be returning on February, Friday the 13th for the third and final season. I have ideas for other stories and entities set in this world, but this was always the plan. I don’t want to linger past the plot and wind down into that territory where people say, “Man, that show really fell off.” And I’m nothing if not a viciously severe showrunner.

Viciousness has been the theme this year. I want to thank those of you who stuck around during the hiatus. My mother, who is largely the basis for Winifred, passed away in September. As you can imagine, this episode was a bit difficult to wrangle into place as a result.

I wish you’d been able to meet her. Her name was Ann. You’d have liked her. And if you do feel so inclined in this season of generosity to sling five dollars at a charity in her honor, I’m sure both she and Winifred would approve of either your local food bank or Nature.org. Things are rough out there. We could all use a little more of Ann’s kindness. And maybe Winifred’s determination.

In much happier news, which absolutely blows my mind, we’re now well over 11 THOUSAND DOWNLOADS. What can I say? Y’all have excellent taste.

And now the obligatory pimping: Please avail yourself of digital merch at goodmorningevildoers.gumroad.com and of physical merch at goodmorningevildoers.com/shop. And as always, I’m thrilled when y’all interact with us on social media. We’re on Tumblr, because of course we are, as well as Bluesky, Instagram, and Slasher.tv.

If you didn’t catch the number for Jess’ upcoming call-in show, it’s 970-591-2401. Be featured on the podcast! We’ve received one message that will air already and…look, y’all better bring it, because it was amazing.

Special thanks this episode to the Podcast Book Club, my long-suffering loved ones, and Derrick Valen for the wet noises.

And just to let you know, Coelacanth is okay.