1 00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:04,720 Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I invite you to 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:08,160 join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever 3 00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:11,759 problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get 4 00:00:11,759 --> 00:00:15,465 started. Hey 5 00:00:15,465 --> 00:00:19,305 there, beautiful soul. My name is Amanda, and this is New View Advice. If you're 6 00:00:19,305 --> 00:00:22,425 new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the 7 00:00:22,425 --> 00:00:25,865 healing journey. It's not my intention to give you all the answers. I believe you 8 00:00:25,865 --> 00:00:28,185 have all the answers you seek. You just may need a new view and a 9 00:00:28,185 --> 00:00:31,520 little help along the way. Thank you for joining me for this episode. In this 10 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:35,280 episode, I'm answering a question from a listener who is wondering why they seek validation 11 00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:38,820 from their parents even though this listener already knows their parents are unsupportive. 12 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:43,040 And when they seek this validation, they're often left feeling unhappy. I love 13 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:46,395 this question. I think so many people can relate to this question. Why do we 14 00:00:46,395 --> 00:00:50,155 seek parental validation even though we know we're not going to get 15 00:00:50,155 --> 00:00:53,274 it? Or why do we hold on to the hope that something will be different 16 00:00:53,274 --> 00:00:56,795 this time even though the past shows us that our parents are unable to give 17 00:00:56,795 --> 00:01:00,510 us this validation we're seeking? So in this episode, I discuss why so 18 00:01:00,510 --> 00:01:04,030 many of us continue to seek this validation from our parents. We discuss how so 19 00:01:04,030 --> 00:01:07,870 often our need for parental validation and approval is tied to deep rooted human 20 00:01:07,870 --> 00:01:11,310 fears, including the fear of rejection, the fear of abandonment, the fear of 21 00:01:11,310 --> 00:01:14,935 criticism, and the fear of being unlovable. My intention for this episode 22 00:01:14,935 --> 00:01:18,295 is to help you to feel less alone, help you to feel validated in your 23 00:01:18,295 --> 00:01:22,134 experience, and offer you ways to begin healing from these fears and how we can 24 00:01:22,134 --> 00:01:25,735 begin to validate and love ourselves one step at a time. Before we jump in, 25 00:01:25,735 --> 00:01:28,290 I always like to mention that if you haven't checked out my site, I invite 26 00:01:28,290 --> 00:01:31,930 you to check it out after this episode for more free resources. You can 27 00:01:31,930 --> 00:01:35,530 check that out at newviewadvice.com, and today's episode show notes will be at 28 00:01:35,530 --> 00:01:39,130 newviewadvice.com/112. So with that, let's jump on 29 00:01:39,130 --> 00:01:39,630 in. 30 00:01:45,284 --> 00:01:48,725 Why do I look for validation in other people like my parents or 31 00:01:48,725 --> 00:01:52,265 possible boyfriends? It leads me to nothing but unhappiness, 32 00:01:52,645 --> 00:01:56,460 especially since my parents aren't the best supportive people and the men 33 00:01:56,460 --> 00:02:00,300 I talk to aren't going to save me from my situation. But my brain 34 00:02:00,300 --> 00:02:03,740 likes to think that it does. I do wish to have a boyfriend, but I 35 00:02:03,740 --> 00:02:07,420 don't want to be dependent on him for my gratification and happiness. I know 36 00:02:07,420 --> 00:02:10,965 that job is made for me and me alone. Thank you so much for this 37 00:02:10,965 --> 00:02:14,084 question. I think this is a great question that so many people can relate to. 38 00:02:14,084 --> 00:02:17,765 I know I can relate to this question. I feel like everybody at some 39 00:02:17,765 --> 00:02:21,285 point in their life has sought parental validation and not received 40 00:02:21,285 --> 00:02:25,060 it. Maybe some people never receive it. Maybe some people receive it 41 00:02:25,060 --> 00:02:28,660 sometimes, but I really believe that these parental wounds are 42 00:02:28,660 --> 00:02:32,260 universal. I think everybody on some level has a mother wound or 43 00:02:32,260 --> 00:02:36,100 father wound. And if you don't, god bless you. But there's a lot of us 44 00:02:36,100 --> 00:02:39,455 out there who can understand this question and have sought that 45 00:02:39,455 --> 00:02:43,055 validation you speak of. So for your question, I'm really going to 46 00:02:43,055 --> 00:02:46,655 focus on seeking validation from our parents even when they're not the most 47 00:02:46,655 --> 00:02:50,495 supportive people. I think the other relationships you mentioned likely tie 48 00:02:50,495 --> 00:02:54,190 into this parental validation that you're seeking. But I do wanna mention that 49 00:02:54,190 --> 00:02:57,230 if at the end of this episode, you want me to focus on boyfriends because 50 00:02:57,230 --> 00:03:00,510 you don't feel like your question was fully answered, please write in again, and we'll 51 00:03:00,510 --> 00:03:04,350 do another episode fully on boyfriend validation. So 52 00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:07,345 I chose to focus on parents for this episode because I think that for so 53 00:03:07,345 --> 00:03:11,105 many people, the root wound or the beginning of this pattern of 54 00:03:11,105 --> 00:03:14,785 seeking validation originated in childhood by 55 00:03:14,785 --> 00:03:18,465 seeking the love and acceptance from our parents and feeling as though we did 56 00:03:18,465 --> 00:03:22,170 not get it or receive it or feeling unseen by our parents. 57 00:03:22,170 --> 00:03:25,710 But I believe that as we go about life and we're seeking this validation, 58 00:03:26,170 --> 00:03:29,690 very often, it's rooted in an original wound that 59 00:03:29,690 --> 00:03:33,150 started in childhood. So that's why I wanted to focus on that for this episode. 60 00:03:33,475 --> 00:03:36,035 And for me personally, even though I have experienced a lot of trauma in my 61 00:03:36,035 --> 00:03:39,475 life that was done by people not in my family structure, I've actually found that 62 00:03:39,475 --> 00:03:43,075 healing some of these core parental wounds are just as painful as 63 00:03:43,075 --> 00:03:46,835 other traumas, if not more painful. For me in my life, I've found that 64 00:03:46,835 --> 00:03:50,510 that lack of love when I look back at my childhood, it's not that 65 00:03:50,510 --> 00:03:54,189 there was no love, but there was conditioned love, which we're gonna talk 66 00:03:54,189 --> 00:03:57,709 about today. That when love becomes conditional and is 67 00:03:57,709 --> 00:04:01,390 not unconditional, it can create a lot of wounds and 68 00:04:01,390 --> 00:04:04,465 can create a lot of fears such as the fears we're going to touch on 69 00:04:04,465 --> 00:04:08,305 today. And before I jump into discussing this childhood wounding further, I do 70 00:04:08,305 --> 00:04:12,065 wanna say here upfront that seeking validation from others is very 71 00:04:12,065 --> 00:04:15,825 human. We are wired for connection from one another, and being 72 00:04:15,825 --> 00:04:19,449 validated by one another is a way that we feel that connection and 73 00:04:19,449 --> 00:04:23,050 we feel belonging and acceptance. And these are things we 74 00:04:23,050 --> 00:04:26,729 inherently seek as humans. Of course, we wanna feel connected to one 75 00:04:26,729 --> 00:04:30,410 another. Of course, we wanna feel seen by one another. Of course, we wanna 76 00:04:30,410 --> 00:04:34,005 feel like we belong. So don't judge yourself for 77 00:04:34,005 --> 00:04:37,765 seeking external validation. I saw that in your question. You were like, this is for 78 00:04:37,765 --> 00:04:41,605 me and me alone. And, yes, we want to learn to 79 00:04:41,605 --> 00:04:45,270 validate ourselves. But don't judge yourself if you are 80 00:04:45,349 --> 00:04:48,870 seeking external validation because as I mentioned, being validated by one 81 00:04:48,870 --> 00:04:52,710 another creates that connection, so, of course, we're seeking it. Today, 82 00:04:52,710 --> 00:04:56,389 we're just focusing on why you keep seeking it from a place 83 00:04:56,389 --> 00:04:59,975 for this question. It's your parents where you know you're not actually 84 00:04:59,975 --> 00:05:03,735 going to receive it. So we wanna look at this question because it 85 00:05:03,735 --> 00:05:07,495 can become unhealthy for us when we continue to seek that validation from people who 86 00:05:07,495 --> 00:05:10,775 aren't able to give us that validation. And for so many of us, it's our 87 00:05:10,775 --> 00:05:14,430 parents. And this is a painful truth that it's taken me 88 00:05:14,430 --> 00:05:18,190 many years to see in my own life that the validation and the approval 89 00:05:18,190 --> 00:05:21,970 I was seeking from from my parents, I will never receive. 90 00:05:22,430 --> 00:05:26,190 So I could either live my life as I will never be good enough for 91 00:05:26,190 --> 00:05:29,764 my parents' approval, or I can live my life as I am 92 00:05:29,764 --> 00:05:33,305 already enough, I am always enough, I am always worthy. 93 00:05:33,604 --> 00:05:37,365 Unfortunately, my parents don't mirror that back to me every 94 00:05:37,365 --> 00:05:41,044 day. And I believe that you will find people who 95 00:05:41,044 --> 00:05:44,550 validate you, and this will happen more easily 96 00:05:44,690 --> 00:05:48,450 as you begin to validate yourself. I also find with this question that 97 00:05:48,450 --> 00:05:52,210 if we don't truly validate ourselves, someone outside of us can validate us 98 00:05:52,210 --> 00:05:55,430 and we just won't see it or it'll be a temporary fix. 99 00:05:56,145 --> 00:05:59,765 Very often, you won't even be able to hear when somebody's validating 100 00:05:59,825 --> 00:06:03,665 you because you'll be in your own head or your own mind, and you'll be 101 00:06:03,665 --> 00:06:07,185 making up stories about how maybe you think that person's lying or they're not being 102 00:06:07,185 --> 00:06:10,940 truthful or you just won't believe them, or they'll validate you in that moment. 103 00:06:10,940 --> 00:06:14,540 It'll feel good. And then the next day, they'll say something else, and 104 00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:18,380 that'll feel like an invalidation. And then it'll, you know, send you down a 105 00:06:18,380 --> 00:06:21,835 rabbit hole of feeling invalidated again. So the reason we 106 00:06:21,835 --> 00:06:25,275 validate ourselves is really because that's how we begin 107 00:06:25,275 --> 00:06:29,035 to embody our worthiness, our lovability, and 108 00:06:29,035 --> 00:06:32,875 feel that validation we deserve. It's because very often it 109 00:06:32,875 --> 00:06:36,650 starts within. And when you validate yourself, you'll believe the validation that 110 00:06:36,650 --> 00:06:39,930 comes to you. And when somebody doesn't validate you, it won't change your point of 111 00:06:39,930 --> 00:06:43,770 view of yourself. It won't rub your self esteem wrong. You'll know your 112 00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:47,525 worth. That's why we do this, if that makes sense. So for this 113 00:06:47,525 --> 00:06:50,825 question, I broke down why we may be seeking validation 114 00:06:51,285 --> 00:06:54,745 from our parents into 4 fears that this 115 00:06:54,965 --> 00:06:58,405 lack of validation may be triggering. So for each 116 00:06:58,405 --> 00:07:02,070 listener, childhood wounding is different, but I'm going to touch on 117 00:07:02,070 --> 00:07:05,510 these very common fears and wounds that can lead to seeking 118 00:07:05,510 --> 00:07:09,270 validation from your parents even as an adult because these are just 4 119 00:07:09,270 --> 00:07:12,630 wounds that so many people can relate 120 00:07:12,630 --> 00:07:15,850 to. So the first fear we're gonna talk about is the fear of rejection. 121 00:07:16,335 --> 00:07:19,955 And the fear of rejection very often can lead to us seeking 122 00:07:20,095 --> 00:07:23,775 external validation because we are trying to prevent ourselves from 123 00:07:23,775 --> 00:07:27,615 feeling rejected again. So I find that the fear of rejection is very often 124 00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:31,380 a root cause to seeking this external validation. I think for so many 125 00:07:31,380 --> 00:07:34,840 people, there are many times throughout our youth when we experience rejection. 126 00:07:35,220 --> 00:07:38,580 And I've talked about rejection on the podcast before. And one thing I find really 127 00:07:38,580 --> 00:07:42,020 interesting about rejection is that it triggers in our brain the same place gets 128 00:07:42,020 --> 00:07:45,575 activated as physical pain, meaning that it feels just as 129 00:07:45,575 --> 00:07:49,175 painful to be rejected as it does to get punched or to 130 00:07:49,175 --> 00:07:52,475 experience physical pain. And I actually read a study where 131 00:07:52,615 --> 00:07:56,235 participants took Tylenol before discussing experiences 132 00:07:56,295 --> 00:07:59,870 of rejection, and that actually alleviated the emotional pain. 133 00:08:00,090 --> 00:08:03,610 And that to me is so fascinating. And so I think this is important to 134 00:08:03,610 --> 00:08:07,229 note because, of course, we develop coping strategies 135 00:08:07,370 --> 00:08:10,935 when we're young to not experience rejection if it's that 136 00:08:11,175 --> 00:08:14,535 painful. Just like you know that if you throw yourself down a flight of stairs, 137 00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:18,294 that's really gonna hurt, so you don't do it. So if you know a 138 00:08:18,294 --> 00:08:21,895 certain conversation is going to lead to you feeling rejected, you 139 00:08:21,895 --> 00:08:25,430 won't have it. And so many times we 140 00:08:25,430 --> 00:08:28,870 develop these ways of being in order not to feel 141 00:08:28,870 --> 00:08:32,470 rejection because rejection is very painful. And so if you felt 142 00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:35,590 rejected by your parents in your childhood, you may be playing out a pattern where 143 00:08:35,590 --> 00:08:38,924 you are seeking that validation to heal that feeling of rejection. 144 00:08:39,485 --> 00:08:43,164 But since your parents are unsupportive, as you said, instead of it healing that 145 00:08:43,164 --> 00:08:46,945 feeling of rejection, instead it's just triggering that feeling of rejection 146 00:08:47,084 --> 00:08:50,925 over and over again. And oftentimes, we play out these patterns because we're 147 00:08:50,925 --> 00:08:54,519 looking to heal that feeling of rejection. Right? So why do you seek validation from 148 00:08:54,519 --> 00:08:58,360 your parents? Likely because there's a wound there, and you're looking for that wound to 149 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:02,120 be healed. And currently, when we seek something, we're never 150 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:05,665 gonna get we're going at it in an unconscious way. But the more 151 00:09:05,665 --> 00:09:08,944 consciousness you bring to this, the more awareness you bring to this, the more you'll 152 00:09:08,944 --> 00:09:12,704 be able to heal and no longer seek the validation that, 153 00:09:12,704 --> 00:09:16,545 unfortunately, you are not going to receive or is very unlikely for 154 00:09:16,545 --> 00:09:20,080 you to receive. So some examples of being rejected by our parents can 155 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:23,920 include that when we were children, we experienced something very difficult, such as 156 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:27,680 a hard experience with a sibling or we experienced something difficult at school, 157 00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:31,280 such as bullying, and our parent rejects us. They do not bring us 158 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:35,084 comfort or validate our feelings. They can sometimes invalidate us 159 00:09:35,084 --> 00:09:38,845 and reject our experience. For example, in my life, I used to feel 160 00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:42,204 rejected when I would come home from school and I would talk about the girls 161 00:09:42,204 --> 00:09:45,964 at school who were bullying me, and my mom oftentimes asked me what 162 00:09:45,964 --> 00:09:49,670 I did in the situation. Rather than validating the hurt I was feeling. 163 00:09:49,670 --> 00:09:52,470 I was often asked, what did you do? What did you do to create this 164 00:09:52,470 --> 00:09:56,230 situation? And for me, I internalized this 165 00:09:56,230 --> 00:09:59,990 as being rejected not only at school by the girls who I felt were bullying 166 00:09:59,990 --> 00:10:03,589 me, but also by my mother by not validating how painful it was to be 167 00:10:03,589 --> 00:10:07,404 bullied, excluded, and honestly shunned at certain points of my 168 00:10:07,404 --> 00:10:11,165 childhood by girls who I considered friends for a really long time. So I experienced 169 00:10:11,165 --> 00:10:14,845 that rejection over and over again, and that was really painful for me. Another 170 00:10:14,845 --> 00:10:18,389 example could be where our parents reject what we're good at. So say you're a 171 00:10:18,389 --> 00:10:22,070 creative and your parent rejects that part of you. That could be very painful and 172 00:10:22,070 --> 00:10:25,750 could lead to feeling rejected. Or say you had something you were really 173 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:29,510 proud of and your parent dissed it. That could be 174 00:10:29,510 --> 00:10:33,105 internalized inside as rejection. Another example of 175 00:10:33,105 --> 00:10:36,065 rejection is when you try to share your feelings and emotions with your parent and 176 00:10:36,065 --> 00:10:39,905 they reject your experience or your feelings or they make it about their experience and 177 00:10:39,905 --> 00:10:43,665 their feelings. Many parents, unfortunately, lean on their children to 178 00:10:43,665 --> 00:10:47,330 validate their experience while not validating their children's 179 00:10:47,330 --> 00:10:50,950 experience. So that can lead to other unhealthy coping strategies 180 00:10:51,090 --> 00:10:54,870 for children as well where they take on the emotional burden of their household. 181 00:10:55,170 --> 00:10:58,930 The next fear I wanted to mention that can be a reason that we seek 182 00:10:58,930 --> 00:11:02,745 external validation is the fear of abandonment. You may fear that if you are 183 00:11:02,745 --> 00:11:06,505 yourself or if your parents disapprove of you and your actions that they 184 00:11:06,505 --> 00:11:10,345 will abandon you. As I mentioned at the top of the episode, it's not wrong 185 00:11:10,345 --> 00:11:13,885 to seek validation. It just becomes extremely painful, honestly, 186 00:11:14,185 --> 00:11:17,960 to seek validation from the wrong people. Because as I mentioned, so many of 187 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:21,399 us are seeking that feeling of belonging. And for a lot of people, no 188 00:11:21,399 --> 00:11:25,240 matter how painful your childhood was or no matter 189 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:29,000 how emotionally mature your parents may have been, you may always feel like you belong 190 00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:32,725 at home. You may always know that at home, I'm at least 191 00:11:32,725 --> 00:11:36,485 accepted to some extent. And so that can lead 192 00:11:36,485 --> 00:11:40,085 to us fearing being abandoned. So you may 193 00:11:40,085 --> 00:11:43,845 know that if you act a certain way at home, you'll be accepted, but 194 00:11:43,845 --> 00:11:47,445 you fear that if you were to change or disrupt the norms that you may 195 00:11:47,445 --> 00:11:51,089 be exiled, shunned, ignored, or abandoned by your family. 196 00:11:51,389 --> 00:11:55,149 We all desire community. We all desire acceptance and 197 00:11:55,149 --> 00:11:58,509 belonging. And if your family is a place where you feel 198 00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:02,190 community, say, you don't have a big community outside your family, it could 199 00:12:02,190 --> 00:12:05,865 really scare you to feel abandoned by your family. 200 00:12:06,245 --> 00:12:09,925 But the truth is that as scary as it is to go against the 201 00:12:09,925 --> 00:12:13,765 norm of family structures and to rock the boat, so to speak, the 202 00:12:13,765 --> 00:12:17,205 truth is that if your family was to abandon you because you were being 203 00:12:17,205 --> 00:12:20,970 yourself or because you're being your authentic self or because you were following your heart, 204 00:12:21,029 --> 00:12:24,790 it means nothing about you and instead says something about your 205 00:12:24,790 --> 00:12:28,550 family's emotional maturity. And this can be a really hard thing for us 206 00:12:28,550 --> 00:12:32,215 to accept, but this is true about anybody. If somebody 207 00:12:32,215 --> 00:12:35,815 abandons you because you are yourself or because you have 208 00:12:35,815 --> 00:12:39,195 hard feelings or because you try to maturely 209 00:12:39,575 --> 00:12:43,035 express something and that leads to someone abandoning 210 00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:46,535 you, that does not mean anything about you. No matter what 211 00:12:46,535 --> 00:12:50,029 happens, in this moment right now, you could not heal from 212 00:12:50,029 --> 00:12:53,470 anything else, you could stop listening to healing stuff, you could just go about your 213 00:12:53,470 --> 00:12:57,010 day exactly as you are. There are a few things that are always true. 214 00:12:57,470 --> 00:13:01,310 You're always worthy, you're always enough, and you're 215 00:13:01,310 --> 00:13:04,894 always loved. It is us who forgets that. 216 00:13:05,355 --> 00:13:08,975 It is us who believes the lies of the world, 217 00:13:09,274 --> 00:13:12,654 the lies of these relationships, and who takes on beliefs that are untrue. 218 00:13:13,115 --> 00:13:16,634 Because, again, no matter what, you're always worthy. You're 219 00:13:16,634 --> 00:13:20,110 always enough, and you are always loved. And these are 220 00:13:20,110 --> 00:13:23,790 truths that we go on the healing journey to remember. It's not 221 00:13:23,790 --> 00:13:27,089 to get something we ever lost. It's to remember 222 00:13:27,310 --> 00:13:30,829 this. But throughout life, we experience a lot of 223 00:13:30,829 --> 00:13:34,575 pain. I sure know that. I've experienced a lot of pain throughout my life, and 224 00:13:34,575 --> 00:13:38,255 I forgot those truths for a very long time. Especially as a sexual 225 00:13:38,255 --> 00:13:41,555 violence survivor, I labeled myself as an unworthy, 226 00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:45,400 horrible person for a very, very long time. But the more I 227 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:49,000 heal, the more I connect back to myself, I realize that the 228 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,520 truth is I was always enough. I may have gotten a little 229 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:56,280 lost. I never deserved to be punished for getting lost. I wish 230 00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:59,915 the world was a little more forgiving, a little less hostile, a 231 00:13:59,915 --> 00:14:03,675 little less divisive. But I mentioned that because the journey of 232 00:14:03,675 --> 00:14:07,355 healing is a journey of remembering, and it's a journey of coming home to yourself 233 00:14:07,355 --> 00:14:11,050 and remembering your lovability, remembering your worthiness. And 234 00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:14,810 so with these fears we're talking about today, if 235 00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:18,569 your family does reject you, if your family does abandon you, you are still worthy, 236 00:14:18,569 --> 00:14:21,850 you are still enough, and you are still lovable. And you deserve all the good 237 00:14:21,850 --> 00:14:25,545 things that are coming your way. Because you deserve to feel free to 238 00:14:25,545 --> 00:14:29,065 be yourself, to make mistakes, to grow, and to learn without the fear of 239 00:14:29,065 --> 00:14:32,825 abandonment. And so I mentioned that here because as 240 00:14:32,825 --> 00:14:36,590 you move forward and you begin to become aware 241 00:14:36,590 --> 00:14:40,110 of why you seek this external validation, I want you to remember those truths, and 242 00:14:40,110 --> 00:14:43,250 I want you to remember that you will find your people. 243 00:14:43,950 --> 00:14:47,790 And maybe the more you stop seeking validation from your parents, maybe your 244 00:14:47,790 --> 00:14:51,615 relationship with them will change and grow as well because you will no longer 245 00:14:51,615 --> 00:14:55,074 be seeking something they can't give you, so maybe it'll make room for something else. 246 00:14:55,375 --> 00:14:58,975 You never know with these type of relationships how they will change 247 00:14:58,975 --> 00:15:02,495 when you begin to no longer seek something that they're 248 00:15:02,495 --> 00:15:05,770 unable to give you. And so for me, one thing I want to mention here 249 00:15:05,770 --> 00:15:09,290 is that for me, the fear of abandonment always manifests as the fear that people 250 00:15:09,290 --> 00:15:12,910 won't have my back. So as you're diving into these fears, 251 00:15:13,050 --> 00:15:16,825 you may find that you have specific language for these fears. So I don't really 252 00:15:16,825 --> 00:15:20,665 tell myself I fear being abandoned. Instead, I tell myself I fear people 253 00:15:20,665 --> 00:15:24,425 won't have my back. That's the wording that plays on repeat in my head. 254 00:15:24,425 --> 00:15:28,200 What if they don't have my back? And for a long time, 255 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:31,240 I had an immense fear of being abandoned. I still can hear that in my 256 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:34,540 head. What if these people don't have my back? What if nobody has my back? 257 00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:38,520 When it comes to my parents, my fear of abandonment really goes back 258 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:42,305 to feeling abandoned and ignored in my deepest times of need. You know, 259 00:15:42,305 --> 00:15:45,105 I tried to think of a specific example, but the truth is I had a 260 00:15:45,105 --> 00:15:48,725 lot of hard feelings growing up, and I didn't have a support system. 261 00:15:49,024 --> 00:15:52,704 I didn't have anybody who validated my experience. I either would get 262 00:15:52,704 --> 00:15:56,100 yelled at, which was actually being rejected for those hard 263 00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:59,779 feelings, or nobody would come to my aid. I cried myself to 264 00:15:59,779 --> 00:16:03,540 sleep so many times as a child. I cried in my room all by myself 265 00:16:03,540 --> 00:16:07,380 knowing everybody could hear me and everybody just walked around me like they were 266 00:16:07,380 --> 00:16:10,055 walking around on eggshells, which was very hard for me. I was the youngest in 267 00:16:10,055 --> 00:16:13,575 my family. I have one older brother, and I had 2 parents. I was the 268 00:16:13,575 --> 00:16:17,334 youngest, and I felt like people ignored my pain and 269 00:16:17,334 --> 00:16:21,014 walked around it like it didn't exist. I felt abandoned in my 270 00:16:21,014 --> 00:16:24,800 deepest, darkest hours. And so I mentioned that because 271 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:28,639 all that was very, very painful. And I 272 00:16:28,639 --> 00:16:32,100 ended up changing myself after that to 273 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:36,075 become somebody who wouldn't be abandoned. In my 274 00:16:36,214 --> 00:16:39,894 college years, actually, I stopped telling everybody how hard it 275 00:16:39,894 --> 00:16:43,654 was. I began bottling all that up, and I began pretending I was okay 276 00:16:43,654 --> 00:16:47,355 because I realized people didn't abandon Amanda when she was okay. 277 00:16:47,415 --> 00:16:51,240 People only abandoned Amanda when she wasn't okay. So if Amanda pretended 278 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,839 she was always okay, people were around. But the truth was, I 279 00:16:54,839 --> 00:16:58,279 wasn't okay. I wasn't okay in college. I wasn't okay in my 280 00:16:58,279 --> 00:17:02,120 twenties. I'm just getting to be okay in my thirties. And 281 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:05,595 I mentioned this because I developed this coping strategy that maybe some of you have 282 00:17:05,595 --> 00:17:09,355 developed as well where I became a people pleaser, and I 283 00:17:09,355 --> 00:17:13,194 became somebody who did not share their feelings with others because I 284 00:17:13,194 --> 00:17:16,794 labeled them as too much. That's what I learned in my youth, that my feelings 285 00:17:16,794 --> 00:17:20,390 were too much. And if I shoved them down and I dealt with them on 286 00:17:20,390 --> 00:17:23,990 my own, then I wasn't too much and people wouldn't reject or abandon 287 00:17:23,990 --> 00:17:27,750 me. But this was a temporary fix because by doing this, I disconnected from 288 00:17:27,750 --> 00:17:30,705 myself. I disconnected from the truth of who I really was, and I didn't feel 289 00:17:30,705 --> 00:17:34,465 seen in my relationships. I didn't feel loved in my relationships and resentment grow. 290 00:17:34,465 --> 00:17:38,304 So I had to become honest with myself throughout my healing journey and allow myself 291 00:17:38,304 --> 00:17:41,424 to be who I am, who I truly am, no matter how I show up. 292 00:17:41,424 --> 00:17:44,865 Some days I'm good. Some days I'm having hard days. That's okay. That's 293 00:17:44,865 --> 00:17:48,420 life. I just mentioned all that because throughout that 294 00:17:48,420 --> 00:17:52,020 journey, I was still seeking that external validation from my 295 00:17:52,020 --> 00:17:55,860 parents, which is why I changed myself. The third fear I wanted to 296 00:17:55,860 --> 00:17:59,540 touch on that can lead us to seeking validation from our parents is the fear 297 00:17:59,540 --> 00:18:02,995 of criticism. Many times when we are criticized as 298 00:18:02,995 --> 00:18:06,755 children, that's extremely painful. Criticism can look 299 00:18:06,755 --> 00:18:10,595 like direct criticism. It can also look like comparison to siblings or 300 00:18:10,595 --> 00:18:14,135 comparison to other children your age or comparison to adults 301 00:18:14,195 --> 00:18:17,809 even. And so when we're criticized as children, we learn that there's 302 00:18:17,809 --> 00:18:21,010 something wrong with us. We learn that we're not enough as we are. We can 303 00:18:21,010 --> 00:18:24,690 feel like we're not loved when we're criticized. So that can lead to 304 00:18:24,690 --> 00:18:28,305 us, again, changing our behavior, changing how we show up in the world, 305 00:18:28,545 --> 00:18:32,385 changing what opinions we share and how we act, and that can lead us 306 00:18:32,385 --> 00:18:36,145 to seeking external validation from people who can't give it to 307 00:18:36,145 --> 00:18:39,825 us. Because say your parent always criticizes your external appearance, and 308 00:18:39,825 --> 00:18:43,419 you keep going to that parent for validation with your external appearance. But 309 00:18:43,419 --> 00:18:47,100 they're likely gonna just continue to mirror back to you that your external appearance isn't 310 00:18:47,100 --> 00:18:50,940 enough. Even if you lose weight, even if you gain weight, even if you 311 00:18:50,940 --> 00:18:54,220 gain muscle, even if you cut your hair, even if you change your look, they're 312 00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:57,865 probably still gonna mirror to you that it's not enough. Or eventually, you're gonna 313 00:18:57,865 --> 00:19:01,705 become this person that's not you to make them happy, and 314 00:19:01,705 --> 00:19:05,305 then you're not gonna be happy. But if somebody is criticizing your external 315 00:19:05,305 --> 00:19:08,985 appearance, it's not about you. It's about them. And that 316 00:19:08,985 --> 00:19:12,350 again can be really hard for us to see. But when people 317 00:19:12,350 --> 00:19:16,110 are criticizing us, it's truly not about 318 00:19:16,110 --> 00:19:19,710 us. Even though they're gonna tell us it's all about us, it's really not. And 319 00:19:19,710 --> 00:19:23,149 it's so hard not to take things personally. I can still struggle with this. I 320 00:19:23,149 --> 00:19:26,865 can still take things personally. I'm human. But I always remember that it's 321 00:19:26,865 --> 00:19:30,625 really not about me. This came up for me recently that I met a woman 322 00:19:30,625 --> 00:19:34,385 who's a fellow survivor, so I mistakenly thought we would 323 00:19:34,385 --> 00:19:38,145 get along. We did not get along. I don't think she likes me, which 324 00:19:38,145 --> 00:19:41,380 is okay, but it took me a little bit to accept that. But what I 325 00:19:41,380 --> 00:19:44,980 saw in that moment was that I was seeking validation from this woman. I really 326 00:19:44,980 --> 00:19:48,740 wanted her to like me. And the second I stopped seeking validation from her, I 327 00:19:48,740 --> 00:19:52,580 felt so much better. We can have this conversation better if I'm not seeking 328 00:19:52,580 --> 00:19:56,305 anything from her. I'm actually much more confident in myself when I'm not looking 329 00:19:56,305 --> 00:19:59,985 to her for approval. Because when we look to somebody else for approval and for 330 00:19:59,985 --> 00:20:03,525 that validation, we're really giving our power away. And when we can understand 331 00:20:03,585 --> 00:20:06,965 that when somebody maybe insults us, intentionally or unintentionally, 332 00:20:07,580 --> 00:20:11,420 and we choose to be like, that has nothing to do with me, we take 333 00:20:11,420 --> 00:20:15,100 our power back, and we let it go, and we move 334 00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:18,940 forward with more connection to ourselves and reminding ourselves of 335 00:20:18,940 --> 00:20:22,725 our worthiness. So this fear of criticism in parental relationships, as I 336 00:20:22,725 --> 00:20:26,245 mentioned, can be insults directly from your parent. Maybe you had an emotionally abusive 337 00:20:26,245 --> 00:20:29,924 parent. But if you did, you may change yourself or seek 338 00:20:29,924 --> 00:20:33,590 validation in order to try, like we've said, to heal that part of you 339 00:20:33,590 --> 00:20:37,130 that still feels that criticism that you received from your parent. But, unfortunately, 340 00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:40,790 people who are critical tend to remain critical, and they tend to be critical of 341 00:20:40,790 --> 00:20:44,390 everybody. And, again, it's just important to remember that critical people are 342 00:20:44,390 --> 00:20:48,105 really actually the most critical of themselves. People don't 343 00:20:48,105 --> 00:20:51,865 criticize others when they have empathy and they can understand somebody. 344 00:20:51,865 --> 00:20:55,225 They criticize things because very likely inside they have their 345 00:20:55,225 --> 00:20:59,065 own wounded inner child that they have not dealt with. The last 346 00:20:59,065 --> 00:21:02,850 fear I wanted to mention here is the fear of unlovability. I think all 347 00:21:02,850 --> 00:21:05,890 of the fears I've mentioned, the fear of rejection, the fear of abandonment, and the 348 00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:09,430 fear of criticism can all tie back to the fear of being unlovable, 349 00:21:09,730 --> 00:21:13,570 which also to me is the fear of being unworthy of love. I think 350 00:21:13,570 --> 00:21:17,030 at the heart of all wounds, it's this fear of being unlovable. 351 00:21:17,745 --> 00:21:21,505 Humans are beings of love. We're here to love one another and to love 352 00:21:21,505 --> 00:21:25,185 ourselves and to remember that we are loved and we're worthy and we're enough no 353 00:21:25,185 --> 00:21:28,945 matter what is happening, no matter what anybody says. And in every moment, as 354 00:21:28,945 --> 00:21:32,600 I've mentioned, we are loved. But for many of us, we did not experience this 355 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:36,380 unconditional love from our parents. We learned that love was conditional, 356 00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:40,520 which is a very painful experience because at the heart of life, when we feel 357 00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:43,915 loved, we feel safe and we feel good and we feel connected to 358 00:21:43,915 --> 00:21:47,355 ourselves. And it's that unlovability that so often creates fear, 359 00:21:47,355 --> 00:21:51,055 suffering, separation, and disconnection from ourselves and from one another. 360 00:21:51,115 --> 00:21:54,955 So when we're still seeking that parental validation, it very often stems back to 361 00:21:54,955 --> 00:21:58,580 this core wound of feeling unworthy and feeling unloved or feeling like the 362 00:21:58,580 --> 00:22:02,259 love within your home was conditioned, and you're looking for it to feel 363 00:22:02,259 --> 00:22:05,539 unconditional. And the truth is so many of us wanna feel like our parents love 364 00:22:05,539 --> 00:22:09,380 us. So many of us know logically that our parents love us but do 365 00:22:09,380 --> 00:22:12,445 not feel that love, or we don't feel that love at all times, and that 366 00:22:12,445 --> 00:22:15,965 can lead us to changing ourselves in order to gain that love. But the truth 367 00:22:15,965 --> 00:22:19,565 is that love isn't to be gained or taken away. True 368 00:22:19,565 --> 00:22:23,085 love is unconditional. And that's why on the 369 00:22:23,085 --> 00:22:26,860 healing journey, we're practicing self love. It's because we're 370 00:22:26,860 --> 00:22:30,400 remembering that that love is unconditional for ourselves. 371 00:22:30,620 --> 00:22:34,380 Because the outside world may not mirror back to us 372 00:22:34,380 --> 00:22:38,140 unconditional love, but true love is unconditional. True love is 373 00:22:38,140 --> 00:22:41,945 knowing that in every moment, you are lovable. No matter what mistake 374 00:22:41,945 --> 00:22:45,625 you made, no matter what you are looking for forgiveness on, it did 375 00:22:45,625 --> 00:22:49,245 not take away love. It's a moment of suffering. 376 00:22:49,865 --> 00:22:52,985 You know, for me as a rape survivor, it's been a really hard lesson for 377 00:22:52,985 --> 00:22:56,500 me knowing that in every moment of my life, there was a higher power and 378 00:22:56,500 --> 00:22:59,860 also myself. My heart loved me through all those moments. It's 379 00:22:59,860 --> 00:23:03,620 incredibly humbling to come back to the truth that we 380 00:23:03,620 --> 00:23:07,140 are always loved, and it's humbling to realize how 381 00:23:07,140 --> 00:23:10,585 conditional love can feel from other people. It's 382 00:23:10,585 --> 00:23:14,105 incredibly painful to feel like when we are ourselves, we are not 383 00:23:14,105 --> 00:23:17,385 loved. And so that's why so many of these fears go back to that fear 384 00:23:17,385 --> 00:23:21,225 of, oh my god. If I'm myself, will you not love me? What does 385 00:23:21,225 --> 00:23:24,710 that mean about me? And the truth is humans are 386 00:23:24,710 --> 00:23:28,250 humans, and they're only able to love you as much as they love themselves. 387 00:23:28,710 --> 00:23:32,390 So anytime love is conditional from another human, it means that they're 388 00:23:32,390 --> 00:23:36,070 blocking themselves from that love as well. So that's why, again, we go back to 389 00:23:36,070 --> 00:23:39,695 practicing unconditional love with ourselves. And so why 390 00:23:39,695 --> 00:23:42,655 do I bring all these fears up? I bring all these fears up because all 391 00:23:42,655 --> 00:23:46,495 the above fears can lead us to disconnecting from ourselves. And so how 392 00:23:46,495 --> 00:23:50,175 do we let go of this need for parental validation which leads us to 393 00:23:50,175 --> 00:23:53,395 disconnecting from ourselves, and how do we reconnect to ourselves? 394 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:57,720 So my first suggestion is to practice self awareness. That's what we've begun doing 395 00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:01,480 on this podcast is by bringing awareness to these fears. So these 396 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:05,000 are some questions you can begin asking yourself to help you to become more 397 00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:08,140 aware and to connect back to your truth. 398 00:24:08,415 --> 00:24:12,195 So some questions I suggest are, why do I seek validation 399 00:24:12,255 --> 00:24:15,695 from my parents? How do I think I will feel when my 400 00:24:15,695 --> 00:24:19,535 parents validate me? What's a time that comes to mind where I 401 00:24:19,535 --> 00:24:23,130 wanted my parents' validation and I did not get it? How did that 402 00:24:23,130 --> 00:24:26,970 feel? How did I handle that situation? Am I 403 00:24:26,970 --> 00:24:30,730 able to validate myself? Why or why not? Do I have a fear 404 00:24:30,730 --> 00:24:34,410 of rejection, abandonment, criticism, or unlovability? If 405 00:24:34,410 --> 00:24:38,055 so, explore this deeper. And what do I 406 00:24:38,055 --> 00:24:41,435 believe about myself when I do not receive external 407 00:24:41,495 --> 00:24:45,335 validation? So these questions will help you to become more aware 408 00:24:45,335 --> 00:24:49,095 of your situation and where this seeking external validation may originate 409 00:24:49,095 --> 00:24:52,770 from. I also invite you to become aware of your thoughts when you're 410 00:24:52,770 --> 00:24:56,530 around your parents as well as your feelings. Do any specific 411 00:24:56,530 --> 00:25:00,370 feelings arise when you are with them? For me, 412 00:25:00,370 --> 00:25:03,345 I found for a long time, I felt hyper alert when I was with my 413 00:25:03,345 --> 00:25:06,405 parents. I felt like I had to act a certain way to make them happy. 414 00:25:06,625 --> 00:25:09,365 So for a long time, I had to pretend I was okay like I mentioned, 415 00:25:09,585 --> 00:25:13,425 and that was exhausting. And I felt like I was hypervigilant, and I was really 416 00:25:13,425 --> 00:25:16,465 on guard when I was around them. And so for me, it took me becoming 417 00:25:16,465 --> 00:25:19,160 aware of this is how I felt, and this is what I was doing in 418 00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:22,460 order to begin understanding why I was doing that 419 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:26,679 and healing and moving forward in a new way. I 420 00:25:26,679 --> 00:25:30,200 also find when we are practicing self awareness, it can be helpful to read 421 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:33,675 books. A few books I recommend for healing parental 422 00:25:33,675 --> 00:25:37,115 wounds and healing this need for external validation from your 423 00:25:37,115 --> 00:25:40,955 parents is 1, Running on Empty by Jonas Webb. This is 424 00:25:40,955 --> 00:25:44,500 about overcoming your childhood emotional neglect. This is a 425 00:25:44,500 --> 00:25:48,100 great book that talks about really the things that may have been 426 00:25:48,100 --> 00:25:51,380 missing in our childhood. So you may be listening to this episode like, well, my 427 00:25:51,380 --> 00:25:55,059 parents were great. They didn't abuse me, all these things. But this book 428 00:25:55,059 --> 00:25:58,715 talks about how maybe there was something missing. And sometimes the thing that 429 00:25:58,715 --> 00:26:02,555 was missing can be harder to identify than the thing 430 00:26:02,555 --> 00:26:06,155 that happened. If you experienced abuse, it's easy to be like, oh, that was 431 00:26:06,155 --> 00:26:09,435 abuse. But if something was missing, you may not have the language for it, and 432 00:26:09,435 --> 00:26:12,490 this book could really help you. I found it helpful on my own journey. The 433 00:26:12,490 --> 00:26:16,330 second book I recommend is adult children of emotionally immature parents. This is by 434 00:26:16,330 --> 00:26:19,870 Lindsay c Gibson, and this book really talks about how 435 00:26:20,010 --> 00:26:23,755 emotional immaturity from our parents can really impact us. The 3rd book 436 00:26:23,755 --> 00:26:27,515 I recommend is How to Do the Work by doctor Nicola Pera. She talks 437 00:26:27,515 --> 00:26:31,275 about her own experience throughout this book. The book is really broken down in 438 00:26:31,275 --> 00:26:33,835 how to do the inner work, but throughout the book, she talks about her own 439 00:26:33,835 --> 00:26:37,640 relationship with her parents and how she began to become aware 440 00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:40,840 of that and how she saw how it was impacting her. So I thought that 441 00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:44,440 to honestly be the most helpful part of that book for me. The 4th book 442 00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:47,960 I recommend is will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers. 443 00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:51,795 This is for people who either wonder if their mother was a narcissist or have 444 00:26:51,795 --> 00:26:55,475 a narcissistic parent. I found this book really helpful along my own journey. And this 445 00:26:55,475 --> 00:26:59,315 book is by Carole McBride. And the 5th book I recommend is also for people 446 00:26:59,315 --> 00:27:02,515 who may be healing from narcissistic parents, and it's called Growing Up the Scapegoat by 447 00:27:02,515 --> 00:27:06,290 Narcissistic Parents by Jay Reid. And this book talks a lot 448 00:27:06,290 --> 00:27:09,670 about being the scapegoat, which is being the person within a narcissistic 449 00:27:09,890 --> 00:27:13,670 family who a lot of the blame is put on for problems 450 00:27:13,730 --> 00:27:17,190 within the family. And so I'll link all those also at nuvioadvice.com/112. 451 00:27:19,205 --> 00:27:22,805 The second thing I recommend for healing is to practice inner child 452 00:27:22,805 --> 00:27:26,325 work. I talk a lot about inner child work throughout the podcast, but connecting with 453 00:27:26,325 --> 00:27:30,005 your inner child will be really, really helpful for you in healing 454 00:27:30,005 --> 00:27:33,650 this wound of seeking external validation from your parents 455 00:27:33,650 --> 00:27:37,410 and healing these wounds we talked about today. So inner child 456 00:27:37,410 --> 00:27:40,610 work can be done in many different ways. I'll link a meditation in the show 457 00:27:40,610 --> 00:27:43,970 notes as well as a journaling exercise on how to dialogue with your inner child. 458 00:27:43,970 --> 00:27:47,765 But I find journaling with your inner child to be really helpful, meditating. 459 00:27:48,385 --> 00:27:51,905 You may find that working with a therapist could be really helpful. I also find 460 00:27:51,905 --> 00:27:55,665 when healing these parental wounds, working with a therapist can be really, really helpful 461 00:27:55,665 --> 00:27:59,289 or a mental health professional or somebody who can hold space for 462 00:27:59,289 --> 00:28:02,649 you to dive deeper into this because the truth is you deserve to be 463 00:28:02,649 --> 00:28:06,169 validated in your experience. And sometimes that's what a 464 00:28:06,169 --> 00:28:09,850 therapist is there for, just to validate you and your feelings and to tell you 465 00:28:09,850 --> 00:28:13,425 it's okay you feel that way. That's what I personally use my therapist for mostly 466 00:28:13,425 --> 00:28:16,385 at this point is just the things I'm working through. I come in and I 467 00:28:16,385 --> 00:28:19,905 talk about the ahas I had and the feelings I'm having. And my 468 00:28:19,905 --> 00:28:23,585 therapist says, yes. All your feelings are valid, and I always feel better 469 00:28:23,585 --> 00:28:27,205 afterwards. Because as we've talked about, it's okay to seek validation from others. 470 00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:30,280 It's just right now you're seeking it from a place where you're not going to 471 00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:33,880 receive it. And that can even be a really hard realization is 472 00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:37,720 that you may never receive the validation you are seeking from your parents. I know 473 00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:41,445 it took me a really long time to finally accept that I will 474 00:28:41,445 --> 00:28:45,125 never receive the validation or approval from my parents no matter how hard I 475 00:28:45,125 --> 00:28:48,245 work. It takes time to accept that and it takes a lot of hard feelings 476 00:28:48,245 --> 00:28:51,765 and connecting to that inner child. Another thing I love to do with the inner 477 00:28:51,765 --> 00:28:55,205 child work is to write letters to your inner child and to write letters as 478 00:28:55,205 --> 00:28:58,140 your inner child so if you write back and forth between you and your inner 479 00:28:58,140 --> 00:29:01,740 child. The third thing you can practice doing is 480 00:29:01,740 --> 00:29:05,040 allowing yourself to feel all your feelings. As you practice 481 00:29:05,340 --> 00:29:09,100 awareness and inner child work, you'll find that feelings arise or 482 00:29:09,100 --> 00:29:12,705 you'll become aware of your feelings Even if you feel disconnected from those 483 00:29:12,705 --> 00:29:15,585 feelings, you may be like, that makes me angry even if you're not connected to 484 00:29:15,585 --> 00:29:19,425 that anger. And so it's important to begin processing these feelings. Many 485 00:29:19,425 --> 00:29:23,025 people become aware, but try to skip the feeling the feelings part, but that's really 486 00:29:23,025 --> 00:29:26,809 where the goodness is. I like to view it, but it's the hardest part, 487 00:29:26,809 --> 00:29:30,250 which is why we avoid it. Oftentimes, we feel like our feelings will be the 488 00:29:30,250 --> 00:29:34,090 end of us. But the truth is that when we feel those feelings, 489 00:29:34,090 --> 00:29:37,630 1, the feelings won't last forever, and 2, that's when the relief 490 00:29:37,690 --> 00:29:41,505 really comes. So sometimes we bring the awareness, and we just keep playing 491 00:29:41,505 --> 00:29:45,105 the awareness on repeat because we're still in the mind. It's when we allow 492 00:29:45,105 --> 00:29:48,565 ourselves to feel our feelings. It's when that relief 493 00:29:48,625 --> 00:29:52,465 finally comes and we feel a release, and we're able to move forward in 494 00:29:52,465 --> 00:29:56,030 a new way. So feeling your feelings is similar 495 00:29:56,090 --> 00:29:59,610 to inner child work where you can meditate. You can 496 00:29:59,610 --> 00:30:03,450 journal. I think doing inner child work often brings up feelings. I 497 00:30:03,450 --> 00:30:07,130 also find creativity is a great way to process our feelings. So finding a way 498 00:30:07,130 --> 00:30:10,804 to use creativity to process your feelings, such as writing poetry, 499 00:30:10,865 --> 00:30:14,304 writing stories. You could color. I find sometimes when I 500 00:30:14,304 --> 00:30:17,905 color, it helps me to just feel sad if I have, like, the feeling of 501 00:30:17,905 --> 00:30:21,540 sadness or one of those softer feelings. But 502 00:30:21,700 --> 00:30:24,580 finding different ways to feel your feelings. Also, a big thing with feeling your feelings 503 00:30:24,580 --> 00:30:28,020 is making the time to feel your feelings. I think so many people run around 504 00:30:28,020 --> 00:30:31,700 all day with endless to do list in order to not feel how they're 505 00:30:31,700 --> 00:30:35,400 really feeling and not to look at their feelings. So for you, 506 00:30:35,524 --> 00:30:39,044 feeling your feelings may be giving yourself a full day, giving yourself a 507 00:30:39,044 --> 00:30:42,404 Saturday where you're just going to leave it unplanned and you're gonna unplug for the 508 00:30:42,404 --> 00:30:46,164 day, or maybe it's giving yourself 15 minutes in the morning or 15 509 00:30:46,164 --> 00:30:49,840 minutes in the evening to feel your feelings. And maybe the first couple times you 510 00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:53,120 sit down, you don't have any feelings for those 15 minutes, but it's a practice. 511 00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:56,640 Right? So the more you create space for your feelings, the more they will 512 00:30:56,640 --> 00:31:00,340 begin to come up. Me, personally, I feel my feelings through meditation. 513 00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:04,185 Every morning, I meditate. I do an energy cleansing meditation, and then I sit 514 00:31:04,185 --> 00:31:07,385 for about an hour. I know not everybody has the luxury of an hour, but 515 00:31:07,385 --> 00:31:10,585 that is how I feel my feelings at this point is that some days it's 516 00:31:10,585 --> 00:31:14,185 feeling really hard feelings, and sometimes it's reassuring myself that things will be 517 00:31:14,185 --> 00:31:17,680 okay. But I give myself the time of 518 00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:21,360 meditation to be with myself every single day. And that was a practice I 519 00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:24,960 built over time. Now I notice the days I don't sit down to meditate, it's 520 00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:28,240 very rare. But even Evan will be like, did you meditate today? And I'll be 521 00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:31,705 like, no. And he'll be like, okay. Go meditate because you are moody. So for 522 00:31:31,705 --> 00:31:35,325 me, meditations is an essential part of my healing and my day. 523 00:31:35,465 --> 00:31:39,225 Also, finding ways to move your body can move energy and move feelings. Yoga is 524 00:31:39,225 --> 00:31:42,125 a fantastic way to move your feelings, move your energy. 525 00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:45,880 Dancing and even going to the gym or going for a run can help you 526 00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:49,320 as well with finding different ways and what works best for you. That's gonna be 527 00:31:49,320 --> 00:31:52,200 a big part of feeling your feelings is that you're going to find the way 528 00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:55,880 that works best for you. And, again, with feeling your feelings, I mentioned 529 00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:59,365 therapy or working with a professional a already, but another way to feel your feelings 530 00:31:59,365 --> 00:32:02,645 is to begin working with a professional who can help you to heal back the 531 00:32:02,645 --> 00:32:06,165 layers, bring awareness, and to feel your feelings, and you may need help 532 00:32:06,165 --> 00:32:09,765 diving deeper. The 4th thing I wanted to recommend here for 533 00:32:09,765 --> 00:32:13,529 connecting back to yourself is practicing boundaries. So as you're looking at 534 00:32:13,529 --> 00:32:16,330 and healing this, you may need to set some boundaries with your family. I find 535 00:32:16,330 --> 00:32:19,769 that many times when we're healing relationship wounds, we need space from those 536 00:32:19,769 --> 00:32:23,130 relationships in order to see our own situation clearer and to give ourselves the 537 00:32:23,130 --> 00:32:26,905 safety and the distance to have all those feelings. So I like 538 00:32:26,905 --> 00:32:30,025 to view it that when we're healing these emotional wounds, I like to view it 539 00:32:30,025 --> 00:32:33,305 like a physical wound. So if you broke your ankle, you wouldn't keep trying to 540 00:32:33,305 --> 00:32:36,425 walk on that ankle. You would give it time and rest. It's the same when 541 00:32:36,425 --> 00:32:39,865 we're healing emotional wounds. So if you're healing a frontal wound, you may need some 542 00:32:39,865 --> 00:32:43,400 space in order to heal that. If you're unable to take space, you can also 543 00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:47,000 practice boundaries by knowing what conversations you're willing to 544 00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:50,600 have with your family. So I would invite you to not open up 545 00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:54,255 those vulnerable spaces as you're healing this. And 546 00:32:54,255 --> 00:32:57,855 then when you feel like you're in a more stable place, you can begin to 547 00:32:57,855 --> 00:33:01,375 create a new relationship with your parents. But as you're healing from 548 00:33:01,375 --> 00:33:04,895 their unsupportive behavior, I wouldn't be looking to them for 549 00:33:04,895 --> 00:33:08,495 support because you're likely just going to retrigger yourself, if that makes 550 00:33:08,495 --> 00:33:12,310 sense. And the last thing I want to mention here is that it's important to 551 00:33:12,310 --> 00:33:16,070 practice self love. I think practicing self love is the most 552 00:33:16,070 --> 00:33:19,910 important always, and it's easier said than done. Self love to me 553 00:33:19,910 --> 00:33:23,304 is unconditional love of self, and it's learning to validate 554 00:33:23,304 --> 00:33:26,985 yourself. It's learning to feel worthy no matter what happens and no matter what 555 00:33:26,985 --> 00:33:30,825 anyone else says or does. And this is hard work, especially when we've 556 00:33:30,825 --> 00:33:34,125 been seeking external validation for our entire lives. 557 00:33:34,500 --> 00:33:38,100 Self love is a practice. It takes time, but you are worthy of 558 00:33:38,100 --> 00:33:41,640 your own love, and that love of self will 559 00:33:41,700 --> 00:33:45,220 penetrate deep within your bones. That's how I'm seeing it right now is 560 00:33:45,220 --> 00:33:48,900 that the more you love yourself, the more you will always walk around with 561 00:33:48,900 --> 00:33:52,265 this almost shield of protection because that's what love is. It's a 562 00:33:52,265 --> 00:33:55,725 protection from that which doesn't serve you. Because if you love yourself, 563 00:33:55,945 --> 00:33:59,465 the words that would hurt you will just bounce off you because they won't 564 00:33:59,465 --> 00:34:03,305 penetrate you because you'll have your own back so deeply. And, again, this is 565 00:34:03,305 --> 00:34:06,880 a practice. Doing this work is hard work. And self love is so 566 00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:10,580 important here because the love a parent has for a child should be unconditional, 567 00:34:10,639 --> 00:34:14,400 but, unfortunately, this is not always the case. And this is why so many people 568 00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:17,839 honestly begin their healing journey is to heal from the mother wound, the father wound, 569 00:34:17,839 --> 00:34:21,635 those parental wounds. And the healing journey to me is really a journey of remembering 570 00:34:22,015 --> 00:34:24,975 that we are loved. It's a journey of love of self and learning to love 571 00:34:24,975 --> 00:34:28,415 ourselves unconditionally, especially when we didn't grow up in environments where 572 00:34:28,415 --> 00:34:32,175 unconditional love existed. So everything I just talked about takes 573 00:34:32,175 --> 00:34:35,909 time, and it's really just beginning to feel your feelings, have 574 00:34:35,909 --> 00:34:39,750 that awareness, and to love yourself along the way will go 575 00:34:39,750 --> 00:34:43,510 much farther than you may think. I find that people think self love 576 00:34:43,510 --> 00:34:47,349 and self compassion are these fruity things, but, truly, they are so important and they 577 00:34:47,349 --> 00:34:51,164 are so difficult. We build up all these walls to love. We build up all 578 00:34:51,164 --> 00:34:54,924 these walls to self kindness. And the more we begin to peel back 579 00:34:54,924 --> 00:34:58,444 those walls and we begin to give ourselves that loving kindness, the easier life becomes 580 00:34:58,444 --> 00:35:02,150 in all different ways and the more we feel that worthiness that we've 581 00:35:02,150 --> 00:35:05,190 always deserved to feel. Because that's how I just wanna end this episode is that 582 00:35:05,190 --> 00:35:08,790 you deserve unconditional love. You deserve to feel worthy. You deserve to feel 583 00:35:08,790 --> 00:35:12,230 enough. And though many of these steps I talked about can feel really hard or 584 00:35:12,230 --> 00:35:15,935 difficult and challenging, we go on this journey because we deserve to remember our 585 00:35:15,935 --> 00:35:19,695 worth. We deserve to remember how lovable we are, and I hope something in this 586 00:35:19,695 --> 00:35:22,115 answer was helpful. I'm sending you so much love. 587 00:35:27,855 --> 00:35:30,950 Thank you so much for joining me for another episode of New View advice. As 588 00:35:30,950 --> 00:35:33,750 always, I am so grateful to have this space here where we can have these 589 00:35:33,750 --> 00:35:37,590 type of conversations. If you enjoyed this episode, I invite you to leave 590 00:35:37,590 --> 00:35:41,290 a 5 star rating and a comment wherever you listen to podcasts. 591 00:35:41,685 --> 00:35:45,445 Ratings and comments and subscribers help to bring more people to the podcast 592 00:35:45,445 --> 00:35:48,965 and helps us to have more of these conversations. So I'm so grateful for everybody 593 00:35:48,965 --> 00:35:52,165 who has already left a rating and a review. It continues to help the podcast 594 00:35:52,165 --> 00:35:55,334 to grow. So thank you again for joining me for another episode of New View 595 00:35:55,334 --> 00:35:58,614 advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on 596 00:35:58,614 --> 00:36:01,594 whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love. See you next time.