E086 - How Narcissists Use Sex To Manipulate You & Why The Connection Feels Intoxicating

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[00:00:00] In this episode, you will discover how a narcissist use sex to manipulate you and why it feels so intoxicating.

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Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.

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Okay, so let's get into the topic. I love a good metaphor, and this is the perfect way to sort of paint the picture of what sex with a manipulative, narcissistic person feels like.

So go with me on this journey. Okay? I want you to imagine that you are dating somebody, this, this new person, and he shows up on this date after maybe you've gotten to know each other a little bit with this full feast of all of your favorite foods. He has cooked them by hand. They are like baked goods made from scratch.

It was, it's [00:01:00] dessert. It's the main course. It's appetizers. It's a fucking feast. Okay? Shows up with this full spread for you. Beaming with his smile, love, outpouring from him, right? All of his desire, all of his attention focused on you, showing you that you care. You matter so much that he took the time to make this feast for you.

And what do you feel? You feel cared for, you feel special, you feel worthy. You have the thoughts going through your head like, oh my God, nobody has taken care of me like this. Nobody has, has even given me like barely the time of day. No less made me a feast like this. And you feel so satisfied. You feel in awe of this human.

And how can this person. Even exist and why haven't you met them sooner? You have thoughts of like, he's my soulmate. This was so meant to be. We fit together like a puzzle and just are flooded with all of this dopamine and flooded with this [00:02:00] oxytocin because the feast you guys are enjoying together.

You're in this super gooey state of eating together and feeling very lovey-dovey around each other.

And this feast keeps showing up for you day after day as the relationship progresses. And again, you just feel so special. You're like, how do I deserve this? How did I find this man? He's giving so freely. He's giving his time, he's giving his energy, his love. I've never felt so loved in my life.

And then after some time that you have been together, the feasts turn into him cooking more of a simple meal for you. And these are still meals that show up every day, but it's more of like the chicken and rice and broccoli situation, which is not bad, but it's not the feast. So you start to wonder like, huh, I wonder why the feast isn't showing up anymore, but chicken and rice and veg feels all right. Like this is still substance. We're still eating together. He's still taking the time to cook for me.

Yes, it lacks a little bit of forethought and a little bit of that special time that I thought he was giving [00:03:00] me, and it doesn't really make my taste buds explode, but like we're here and we're enjoying a meal together, and then more time goes by and instead of cooking for you, he starts to occasionally just order in food.

And this is not happening all of the time. So you're not really sure when food is coming, when it's not. And he's ordering in from places that you told him in the beginning of the relationship that you didn't like. So you really don't like Chinese food and he's ordering Chinese food. And although this is irritating to you on one level and you recognize that this is a little bit bizarre that he's not asking me what kind of food I want, you're eating it. You're still feeling grateful that he's thinking of you and that he's ordering in this food for you.

Even though it could happen more often and feel more intentional and kind of be something that he cared about what you wanted, it's still happening occasionally. And then he starts not having dinner with you at all anymore, just not coming home for dinner,

and you end up waiting so long for him sometimes that you actually skip the [00:04:00] meal yourself. And it gets to be eight or nine o'clock at night, and you're like, oh, well that's too late for dinner now you just go to sleep. Kind of sad and frustrated and not knowing what went wrong.

And maybe as you're trying to fall asleep, you have all of these thoughts trying to figure out, where did I go wrong? Did I say something that really kicked in his avoidant attachment? Is my anxious attachment coming through too much? What am I doing? I feel like I have been trying to bend over backward in this relationship to make him feel good and to show up in the right way.

I feel like I've been trying to say things the right way. I just don't understand why he's no longer coming home for dinner

and there's no answers. There's no answers from him. And in your mind, you're like, I, I don't care if we sit down and eat canned tuna at this point. Like, I just wanna sit down. I want you to be predictable. I want you to be with me here. And you start to really think that it's all about you. Something is wrong with you, you're not good enough, and you're just striving after this answer, this rumination in your head of, what did I do?

What did I do? What [00:05:00] can I do to fix it? And then after several days of not coming home for dinner, not texting you, not giving you a phone call, not giving you any explanation of what happened, he shows up with the full fucking feast again. He lays it all out on your kitchen counter, the baked goods, the appetizers, the main course, the everything that you loved and you explode.

Like you're, you're all of the dopamine and the oxytocin in your mind. Like if you imagine fireworks, this is what I see in my head. Is you're just popping off. Like everything in you explodes because it feels so fucking good for him to acknowledge you again. For him to bring in this closeness, for him to show up and take the time to make you feel special, and you're like, oh, what was I worried about?

Like, I'm totally worthy. I'm totally enough. He totally loves me. He just had some weird couple of days. He needed some space. He's totally an avoidant attachment person. And I was [00:06:00] just overreacting, right? You come in with all the justifications because this feast feels so good to you, so validating, so satisfying, so delicious that it wipes the whole slate clean.

This is how we get hooked. Okay? This. Feast is the mind blowing sex. Insert one for the other. In this situation, it does the same exact thing to our brain, to our body, to our sense of self. And when he comes back with the feast after being gone for a while, that connection, that intensity feels so damn intoxicating.

Because we have been starved. He has been slowly pulling away, slowly withholding that attention, withholding that closeness. We are feeling a bit abandoned. And so when he comes back that it like reinforces how strong, how much we need that it, it becomes like a [00:07:00] drug

And to add to the intensity of it all in the beginning, the over the top passion, the over the extravagance of the feast or the sex is calculated intensity. He's paying attention to everything that you want, that you need, that you're saying you love, you desire that you've always wanted, and he's pouring it on you in exuberant amounts.

He's giving all of, giving you everything you've ever wanted, right? In the beginning of these relationships, it's like this is too good to be true. And I'm sorry hun, but it is, it is often too good to be true because that is calculated. They're using something called a mirroring technique to understand your desires and your fantasies and become everything that you've ever craved.

And once you've experienced that, it's really hard to experience them pulling away from being that person. Because we have had that experience, we're like, we know they're capable of that. Why are they acting a whole different way? Why are they pulling away? And we don't know [00:08:00] that this is on purpose.

We don't know that this is a way that they are exerting their power in their control by keeping us either close to our arms length with intentionality around making us feel really worthy and giving them validation for being such an amazing person. Or keeping us feeling like we're not enough, which keeps us sort of like crawling back to them, which again gives them that like disgusting validation that they're looking for.

They want to know that they have you on this puppeteering little game where they can keep you seeking. They can keep you coming back. They can keep you starving and desiring so that when they come back, it's again that explosion of, oh my God, you're amazing.

Everything that you've done between the first feast and this feast doesn't matter because you actually really do love me, and love gets so tangled in our mind with this intensity and this chaos and this seeking.

I. So you've experienced really passionate, intense, [00:09:00] intoxicating sex with this person, and one of the biggest fears that I think I hear from clients is, what if I leave and I never feel this way again? I'm never gonna have sex like this again. And that's one of the things that actually can keep you hanging on in the relationship.

And it makes sense, right? It, that part feels really good. That part feels really like it's a drug. It's that overp pouring of all of the good, feel good hormones. So you're not wrong in, in like wanting that part of the relationship and. If you have been hanging on in an unhealthy relationship because the sex is just great, like there's no shame here, it makes perfect sense why you would want to feel good, especially if all periods of the relationship other than that feel really bad.

It's like, why do, why, why would I give up the one thing that actually makes me feel good?

But I want to really highlight here [00:10:00] that the sex that you're feeling, this intoxicating sex feels good because it's releasing all these hormones in your body, right? It's that act of closeness, but really at the basis of, of what we're feeling is connection, and we're feeling connection because we finally feel worthy.

Enough to bring that connection close. So the sex is really confirming who you are as a person. Am I a worthy enough person for this man or am I not? Because when I, when I am worthy and enough, he comes close, we have sex. If I'm not worthy and enough, he pulls away. So your sense of self is very much dependent on his mood, on his ability to control you.

So he's using the sex to make you either feel worthy, connected, and whole or make you feel like you're not Those things, and I don't know about you, but that that is terrifying to put your entire sense of self in someone else's hands. And we do this so [00:11:00] unconsciously. Again, there's not anything wrong with you if you have fallen into this trap.

It is intentionally manipulative. It is intentionally orchestrated to feel that way. And what happens when our sense of self is outside of us is that we get very frazzled and we feel very out of control because we never know when they're gonna come to validate who we are. And I have fallen into this too.

So I'm using we a lot in this episode because I get it. I feel you so deeply and how confusing these experiences.

So what I wanna ask you then, is acknowledging that there's a fear that you're never gonna feel this intensity again. How would it feel to not have your sense of self dependent on when he shows up for sex dependent on him at all? Would you trade this high, high and this low low for somebody who can show up consistently and isn't giving you that validation, but is giving you the mind blowing [00:12:00] orgasms and the the physical pleasure and the sense of safety and the sense of love making. I mean, they call it love making because you're, you're exchanging love with another person, right?

Where we are acting out our love physically when we have sex with a healthy person in a healthy relationship, and that type of intensity, that type of orgasm or orgasmic connection is so deeply satisfying. So you're not gonna feel the same like jacked up nervous system, the same flood of all the hormones, the same validation of self, but you are going to feel passion and deeply held safety that allows you to open in ways that you have never experienced pleasure before.

So you don't have to choose between intensity and orgasms, right? Like it's such a real fear that when we get out of these relationships that we [00:13:00] think we're just gonna have this boring ass vanilla sex and be daydreaming about our unhealthy ex the whole time. That doesn't have to be your reality.

Real love doesn't leave you second guessing. It doesn't leave you anxious. It doesn't leave your self worth on the table for somebody else to pick up or put down real relationships, real sex, real love feels safe, and I want you to experience that safety. When you're trying to heal from these types of narcissistic relationships, oftentimes sex is used as a form of control and that up and down, whether it's sex that's putting you on the up and down rollercoaster or some other way that they're using control to exert their power over you.

It leaves your nervous system really on edge, where we get used to having to be hypervigilant. We don't know what calm, what safety even feels like in our body anymore.

So beginning to find nervous system regulation [00:14:00] while you're doing the deeper work to really establish your sense of self and your your self-esteem

is vital. If you don't wanna get caught in this shit again with another person,

We have to be able to fulfill that from the inside and not be looking for someone else or something else to validate that we're okay or that we're lovable.

If we are looking for the outside thing, we're going to, we're gonna reach for the next relationship that's gonna give us the same highs and lows that we're used to it's gonna fit like a puzzle piece right back into this nervous system dysregulation. So we have to do both things in tandem.

Tend to the nervous system, teach your body what it feels like to be calm, to be safe, and. Creating that sense of self, really building that strength, that confidence from within those two things are such key pieces of how we heal from this type of manipulation in these narcissistic relationships, so let's just recap what we just learned in this episode that you can refer [00:15:00] back to it as you're trying to continue to make sense about these relationships. You know now why this most intoxicating sex of your life is not love.

You understand now how your body and all of these chemical releases actually kept you hook, even if part of your analytical mind knew better. And you know now that safe, connected, healthy sex can be mind blowing and can be something that you're looking forward to and not something that you are dreading.

I understand the desire to really free yourself from these experiences once you've seen them in a relationship, whether you're in the relationship right now or you're looking back on a relationship and you're like, oh my God. I was under so much control and like realizing that for me was such a disgusting feeling.

And I, I remember this so clearly with my therapist. I'm like, we gotta dive into the shit because I don't want him having control over my mind anymore.

And I did. I dove in [00:16:00] headfirst to nervous system regulation, to building my sense of self, to figuring out what the hell I even liked anymore. I had, I totally needed to rebuild my sense of self, and I had to work through all of the traumatic experiences that I had with this person, and I dove in

because I was so motivated finally to get out from underneath the puppeteering. If you're there, if you've hit this rock bottom moment of like enough, enough is enough of being under some sort of manipulation by this person, whether you're in it or you have left the relationship already.

I am here and I do what I do because I have been where you are and I understand exactly the feeling that you're feeling right now of how this is so disgusting and how do I heal from this? This feels way too big of a Mount Everest to climb, and I'm standing here at the bottom with flip flops and I don't have any water.

I don't know how I'm gonna get to the top of that mountain. We need help. We need help [00:17:00] when we're trying to find clarity around these things and heal from these types of relationships. It is complicated. It is nuanced. But it's possible and what I want for you is to be able to go into your next relationship, even if it's five years from now.

'cause you can't imagine being with a man at this moment, even if it's five years from now. I want you to go into that relationship knowing who the hell you are. Knowing what you stand for, having the confidence to walk away when the first red flag appears and not justifying it away for five years and not settling anymore.

You get to experience healthy love, and I don't want you to look back in another six months or a year or two years and be like, oh, I should have done this work sooner. I lost so many years of my life with this, with the next unhealthy person. I don't want that to be a regret of yours. So if you are in that place of really wanting to explore how to finally find the freedom, how to finally [00:18:00] re-pattern all of this stuff in your body.

There's an interest form in the show notes, and there's no obligation. You fill it out. We have a free call and we chat more about where you are and how I can help

because you deserve that. Okay, now let's see what message wants to come through for you. From the deck. I'm starting to shuffle the Oracle cards here. This is the way that we end these episodes. I'm just asking what is the message that wants to come through today? It is Elixir and it's a picture of a cauldron.

And an elixir. So I'm gonna find this message in the book and I'll read to you what it says. Elixir is here because it is time. The medicine is within you. It flows through you, like blood. The healing energy of self-love and goodness are here for you now as they have always been.

Open yourself to the embrace your woundedness. Elixir is the source of your power. Clean the dirt from your wound, gently apply the solve you need, whether it be music, connecting with others, rest, or [00:19:00] screaming at the sunset. Quit picking the scab. Allow the natural process of healing to occur with the power of your intention.

Patients and care are required now. Move through the pain and you will wear your scars with honor and reverence for the whole of life's experiences that you have lived. Use your medicine. You are healing. You will heal. Ugh, I love this one. This one doesn't come out as much. Some of these cards come out more than others.

I mean, could I have said it any better? That's pretty much the sum up of this episode. And you will heal. You will heal from this. You will make understanding, you will find clarity. You will get to the top of Mount Everest and you will look down and you'll be like, that was hard as shit, but I'm here.

And you can take that deep, full breath of fresh air as always. I see you. You are not alone, and I'll see you in the next episode