But for the sake of this, if I'm a good partner, you should want to

have sex with me. Super fucking common for guys.

So what's the hidden need underneath that? Welcome to The King Within,

a podcast for men who seem to have it all yet feel like they're losing

what matters most. I'm Mike Salemi, and I've been there. Successful

on paper, but disconnected on the inside. This isn't about grinding

harder. It's about mastering your emotions, leading with calm

strength, and rebuilding trust at home. Each week we dive into

real stories and tools for becoming the man your family runs towards,

not away from, because you didn't build this life to lose yourself in it. This

is The King Within. Let's do the work. Most men don't

realize they're walking around with a list of unspoken deals

they've made with their partners. These are called covert contracts.

They're invisible and they destroy intimacy and they breed

resentment over time. In today's episode, I'm breaking down 7

of the most common ones I see in men today, and most

importantly, how you can bring them to the surface in a healthy way to get

your actual needs met and build real genuine connection

instead. Let's get into it. So it is

11 00:01:10

30 PM right now on a Monday night, and I'm

11 00:01:14

about 4 days late getting this podcast to my

11 00:01:17

producer. So full disclosure, thank you, Harry, for

11 00:01:21

always showing up, brother. These last 2 weeks for the Salemi family,

11 00:01:25

just for some context, if you've not seen me much on social media, uh,

11 00:01:28

this is why. I'm about to explain. The last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind,

11 00:01:33

um, a lot of stuff going on in the background. But one thing in particular,

11 00:01:36

our pup Basil, who's our little French Bulldog who's about 6 years

11 00:01:40

old, he's been going through some challenges. So about 2 weeks

11 00:01:43

ago, we started noticing that he was shaking

11 00:01:48

just out of the blue. And it was going on all day and we started

11 00:01:51

getting a bit concerned. But we remembered years ago, probably like 4 years

11 00:01:55

ago, we had left some pot or some pot somehow fell on

11 00:01:59

the ground and he had eaten it and a similar thing happened. He was

11 00:02:03

lightly shaking and we were worried. But

11 00:02:06

after calling the vet, like, we just realized that he'll work it, he'll work

11 00:02:10

it out himself. And in less than 24 hours, he was

11 00:02:14

back to normal. So not ideal, but that's what we thought

11 00:02:17

this time it was. And so he was shaking all day one, and they

11 00:02:21

were like, man, okay, let's let him work it out. Then come day two, it

11 00:02:25

was still happening, and we're like, oh man, this is not good. So

11 00:02:28

we took him to the emergency vet, and, you know,

11 00:02:32

he's had a history of trauma, specifically when he got neutered. He had

11 00:02:36

a big trauma. The vet, they put him in, uh, uh, the crate

11 00:02:40

for the surgery, but he didn't want to go in. And so one of the

11 00:02:43

vet techs slammed the door and he basically bashed his eye and he had a

11 00:02:47

huge hematoma. So since then, he has not liked

11 00:02:50

vets. He's great with us. He's great with Luca, but he's not liked vets.

11 00:02:54

So when we went there, he was already activated and shaking and

11 00:02:57

clearly in some degree of pain because the other thing that we observed

11 00:03:01

was, and this was right before we took him in, which really prompted us to

11 00:03:04

like, okay, we need to go now, is we started noticing that

11 00:03:08

he was, uh, walking funny, almost like

11 00:03:11

discoordinated. And there seemed to be some weakness.

11 00:03:14

And dogs don't express pain like humans do. And

11 00:03:18

so when we started seeing his legs almost like they're losing

11 00:03:22

function and then the shaking, we're like, we need to go right now.

11 00:03:26

So we take him in and the vet does their assessments and they couldn't

11 00:03:29

really do too much because he's petrified

11 00:03:33

of the vet, even though we've done so much training and so

11 00:03:37

much things over the years. But

11 00:03:41

that being said, they were basically able to conclude that he has a disc

11 00:03:44

herniation. Now, French Bulldogs, as I'm learning now, tend to have

11 00:03:48

respiratory issues due to their smushed snout, but also they can have

11 00:03:52

issues in, uh, disc degeneration. And so that's what's

11 00:03:55

happening. And so it's absolutely heartbreaking, but I'm bringing this up, one,

11 00:03:59

to share what's actually happening in my life and in our life and where we've

11 00:04:02

been, But also, I was brought to this— the,

11 00:04:06

the reminder, maybe you've heard this before, of a

11 00:04:10

healthy man has 100 wishes, but a sick

11 00:04:14

man only has one. And it really reminded me

11 00:04:17

of what really matters in life. Like,

11 00:04:21

it kills me that my dog's not doing well, and to see him in pain

11 00:04:25

just breaks our heart. And so over these last 2-ish weeks,

11 00:04:30

um, He's been on a bunch of meds and unfortunately he's not doing

11 00:04:33

better. And so fingers are crossed, prayers are strong,

11 00:04:38

and we're really hoping that with time

11 00:04:42

to rest and recover, he comes through this.

11 00:04:45

And again, the reminder for me is what really

11 00:04:49

matters and to value and cherish even more the

11 00:04:53

people and the animals that I and we love. And

11 00:04:57

to hold them close. So that's where I've been, and that's why I'm

11 00:05:00

recording this show for you, um, tonight at

11 00:05:04

8:30 PM. Uh, and the topic

11 00:05:08

though that I want to get into tonight is something that I see

11 00:05:12

so often in men's work, and it's been really helpful to unpack

11 00:05:16

it. And it's something that I first heard, or first read actually,

11 00:05:19

in Dr. Robert Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy, which is a

11 00:05:23

classic book for men's work, very popular. If you haven't read it, get

11 00:05:27

it. You can check it out on Audible as well. And before I

11 00:05:30

unpack this one concept called covert contracts, as he

11 00:05:34

shares in his book, I want to ask you something.

11 00:05:38

Have you ever found yourself thinking something like this?

11 00:05:43

After everything I do for her, how does she

11 00:05:47

not see it? So maybe you're working hard, maybe you're working

11 00:05:50

damn hard. Maybe you've tried to be supportive. Maybe you've tried to be

11 00:05:54

a good man. Sound familiar? Like a really good man.

11 00:05:58

But yet something inside you feels frustrated because you feel

11 00:06:01

unseen or unappreciated. So what if I told you

11 00:06:05

in those moments there was actually an unspoken hidden agreement

11 00:06:09

running in the background? Now, that's exactly

11 00:06:12

what Robert Glover calls covert contracts.

11 00:06:16

These are unspoken agreements that we make and

11 00:06:20

largely our partners have no idea they're happening.

11 00:06:24

And they can lead to a lot of problems.

11 00:06:28

And so a covert contract, as mentioned, is an unspoken agreement that we create

11 00:06:31

in our mind. The structure of it's going to sound something like this:

11 00:06:35

if I do this, then you should do that. So a

11 00:06:39

more specific example could be, if I work hard and provide, you

11 00:06:43

should respect me. Now remember, the other person

11 00:06:47

has never agreed to that deal and probably has no idea that you're carrying it

11 00:06:51

in your mind in the first place. And so there's 3

11 00:06:54

parts, as Glover shares, to a covert

11 00:06:58

contract. And it sounds like this: I do something for you,

11 00:07:01

I expect something in return, and I never say that

11 00:07:05

expectation. And as I was going through this, I was thinking

11 00:07:08

about where do these show up in my life. And a few years ago in

11 00:07:12

a men's group, that I was in and then later assisted with

11 00:07:15

my mentor Ted Ryder. He took us through an exercise one night on

11 00:07:19

this very thing, and he's really big in the No More Mr. Nice Guy

11 00:07:23

circles. And so he guided us through this for us

11 00:07:27

to list out the COVID contracts that were running

11 00:07:31

in the background in areas like our business or intimate

11 00:07:34

relationships. Now, this one rocked me because

11 00:07:38

I had started the first one. I had a whole— it's like pages of this

11 00:07:42

blew me away. But I remember the first one, and it

11 00:07:45

was, if I'm the main or the primary

11 00:07:49

financial provider in the family, then

11 00:07:53

it was dot, dot, dot. And I filled out almost

11 00:07:57

half a page of different covert

11 00:08:00

contracts that all were contingent on being the main financial

11 00:08:04

provider. You know, one or two might have been, if I'm

11 00:08:08

the primary financial provider for the family, then when I get

11 00:08:12

home, dinner should be made. If I'm

11 00:08:15

the main primary financial provider for the family, then you

11 00:08:19

shouldn't question my decisions. And I kept writing and I

11 00:08:23

was like, oh my God, it was such an aha

11 00:08:26

moment for me because I had no idea

11 00:08:30

the weight that I was unconsciously putting

11 00:08:34

on my relationship with my wife and all of these

11 00:08:38

expectations. And I remember in that moment I felt a huge—

11 00:08:42

I mean, truly just a huge amount of shame. I was like, oh my

11 00:08:46

goodness. And so I remember though, at the end of

11 00:08:49

that session, I, I was so glad that I had that awareness because I was

11 00:08:53

like, that's not how I want to live. That's not

11 00:08:57

like— she didn't agree to that. We never spoke about that,

11 00:09:00

you know. It's largely an assumption. And yeah, there's certain

11 00:09:04

assumptions that we kind of get, and they are unspoken,

11 00:09:08

uh, unspoken agreements. But the, the extent of that list,

11 00:09:12

I was like, well, she definitely didn't agree that that definitely doesn't seem fair,

11 00:09:17

right? And so getting clarity on this, it

11 00:09:21

can be one of the most helpful things that we can do to get our—

11 00:09:24

especially our needs met, because largely covert contracts have hidden needs

11 00:09:28

underneath, and we just don't know how to express it. No one ever taught us

11 00:09:32

how to express our needs, and it can really

11 00:09:36

I mean, it can really block connection in relationship and start leading to

11 00:09:40

a lot of resentment. Now, what are

11 00:09:43

some of the reasons why men create covert contracts to start with,

11 00:09:48

right? So many men growing up believe, I need to be a good man,

11 00:09:52

or don't cause problems, right? Don't cause problems, don't create conflict,

11 00:09:56

don't express too many needs. You need to earn approval

11 00:10:00

through a particular behavior like working and earning. And so what does

11 00:10:04

the strategy end up being? The strategy ends up being,

11 00:10:07

well, be helpful, be responsible, be supportive, do

11 00:10:11

everything right, and then people should— right, there's that should word.

11 00:10:15

You're shooting all over ourselves. People should treat me well

11 00:10:19

because it seems reasonable. It's a formula. If I do this,

11 00:10:23

then this. But relationships do not function in formulas.

11 00:10:27

And so for tonight's podcast, What I'd like to do

11 00:10:31

is I was thinking about what are some of the primary

11 00:10:35

contracts, covert contracts, unspoken agreements

11 00:10:38

that is going to be really common in a lot of guys. Some that are

11 00:10:42

directly from me, some of them are from my men's group, some of them are

11 00:10:46

from coaching. Um, so a lot of this is from my own

11 00:10:50

personal life and also personal observations of others.

11 00:10:54

So here are 7 primary covert contracts, and as I'm going

11 00:10:58

through this, my ultimate goal is for you to uncover this

11 00:11:01

for yourself, just like Ted guided me originally through this. And I learned in the

11 00:11:05

book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Start thinking and even writing

11 00:11:09

out what are those unspoken agreements that are present in

11 00:11:12

your life, okay? And if any of these hit, write

11 00:11:16

it down. So the first one is the contract of the

11 00:11:20

provider, which is very similar to what I said earlier. So

11 00:11:23

an example could be, if I, you know, bust my ass

11 00:11:27

and provide financially, then you

11 00:11:31

should let me do what I want, or you should respect my decisions. So what's

11 00:11:35

the need there underneath it? Because in part, I want you to— I want to

11 00:11:39

invite you to not only clarify the COVID contract, but also feel

11 00:11:43

a layer deeper into it. What's the need underneath that that you're having

11 00:11:47

difficulty connecting to and communicating?

11 00:11:50

Okay, in this case, the hidden need could be

11 00:11:54

freedom or even respect, right?

11 00:11:58

If you want to be, uh,

11 00:12:01

the free to do whatever you want, then yeah, that's freedom. Or, uh, free

11 00:12:05

to respect, or, uh, respect your decision, that's respect. So the next

11 00:12:09

one is the COVID contract of the good man.

11 00:12:13

So if I'm a good man, you should treat me well.

11 00:12:17

Well, what could be the need there, the hidden need there?

11 00:12:20

Maybe it's for fairness, or maybe it's for love.

11 00:12:25

How about the next one? The COVID contract of the peacekeeper, the

11 00:12:29

peacemaker. This one really hits me. So if

11 00:12:32

I stay calm and avoid conflict, you shouldn't

11 00:12:36

criticize me. You know, as an Enneagram Type 1,

11 00:12:41

uh, and also with a high Type 9— if you're not familiar with the

11 00:12:45

Enneagram, we've done a bunch of podcasts on this— and and actually the creator of

11 00:12:49

the Inner Compass 9 system, which is the Enneagram system that I use in

11 00:12:52

my coaching all day, is coming on the show

11 00:12:56

either next week or the following. We're still trying to dial that in.

11 00:13:00

Jason Olivier. And this just—

11 00:13:04

this one hits me. The 1 is the

11 00:13:08

perfectionist, can be very critical of self and critical of

11 00:13:11

others, and also experiences

11 00:13:15

the experience of being criticized, whether it's true or not. That's the experience,

11 00:13:20

and they hate it. I hate it. It really triggers me

11 00:13:24

because there's a belief that I'm afraid of making

11 00:13:28

mistakes or doing the— being— doing something wrong or being

11 00:13:31

bad. And so when I experience criticism, it hits on that core

11 00:13:35

wound. And so— and also, I have

11 00:13:39

an elevated 9 score, which is the peacemaker. So there's a desire for

11 00:13:42

harmony and to avoid conflict. So this one of the peacekeeper contract hits

11 00:13:47

home because I learned early on in childhood that if I stay calm and avoid

11 00:13:50

conflict, that's where safety is. And I believe

11 00:13:54

that you shouldn't criticize me. So what could be the hidden need in

11 00:13:57

that? Well, maybe it's, you know, emotional

11 00:14:01

safety or even harmony, right? Especially for

11 00:14:04

peacemakers. Like, one of the most destabilizing things is

11 00:14:08

when harmony is disrupted. Okay, the

11 00:14:12

next covert contract, number 4, is the contract of the fixer.

11 00:14:16

So if I solve the problem and take care of the things, whether it's

11 00:14:21

fix the broken light or fix the

11 00:14:24

car, or if I solve problems,

11 00:14:29

you should appreciate me. Right? So what's the hidden need there?

11 00:14:33

Feel into that for a moment. I would imagine it's

11 00:14:37

appreciation and recognition. Next.

11 00:14:42

Number 5, the COVID contract, the sexual contract. So if I'm a good

11 00:14:46

partner, if I'm a good man, you should want to have sex with

11 00:14:50

me. Now, what is a good partner is really—

11 00:14:53

I mean, that's to be clarified. And so if that hits you,

11 00:14:57

if any of these hit you and some of these words are a bit more

11 00:15:00

general or vague, like, clarify. Like, how do you know? What are the things that

11 00:15:04

you're doing that, that, that tell you you're being a good partner?

11 00:15:08

Whether it's beliefs around, again, financial providing or

11 00:15:11

dressing well, whatever those are. Get more clarity on it.

11 00:15:15

But for the sake of this, if I'm a good partner, you should want to

11 00:15:17

have sex with me. Super fucking common for guys.

11 00:15:21

So what's the hidden need underneath that? I

11 00:15:25

would imagine it's desire,

11 00:15:29

maybe some validation, could also be connection.

11 00:15:35

Next, number 6, covert contract, the strength contract.

11 00:15:40

This might look like, if I stay strong and don't show

11 00:15:43

weakness, or never show weakness— let's take it a step further— and never show weakness,

11 00:15:48

you'll feel safe, right? So what could be the hidden

11 00:15:51

need there? Maybe it's security.

11 00:15:56

Last one, number 7, the COVID contract around

11 00:16:00

giving. This one's super common. So if

11 00:16:04

I meet all your needs, if I do it all right, if I meet all

11 00:16:07

your needs, if I'm the perfect husband or the perfect partner, you

11 00:16:11

shouldn't reject me, right? So what could be

11 00:16:15

the hidden need there? What could be underneath that? You know, maybe

11 00:16:19

it's a need for belonging. And so

11 00:16:23

the cycle of COVID contracts, which

11 00:16:27

largely will end up creating great degrees of resentment, which resentment

11 00:16:31

in my experience is absolutely corrosive to

11 00:16:34

relationships, is if I give, for

11 00:16:37

example, then I expect. That expectation once

11 00:16:41

again is not communicated. And so the need doesn't get met.

11 00:16:45

What does that lead to? What I just said, resentment, right?

11 00:16:49

So how do we, how do we shift? And if you've got

11 00:16:52

a pen and pad out and you've been with me up until this point, My

11 00:16:56

strong encouragement is to write this stuff out.

11 00:17:00

You would be amazed in 10, 15 minutes

11 00:17:04

what focusing on this and breathing and just get clarity, like, what are these

11 00:17:07

unspoken agreements in my life? Because largely,

11 00:17:11

even though they're not spoken, I'd be

11 00:17:15

willing to bet anything they're felt.

11 00:17:18

They're felt by your partner, they're felt by you. And this is

11 00:17:22

when shit comes out sideways. Because when you keep

11 00:17:26

experiencing the same negative loop cycle, the same activations, the

11 00:17:30

same triggers in relationship, and you keep wondering, why does this keep happening? And

11 00:17:34

then you start projecting and blaming and you get defending, all of that

11 00:17:37

stuff— not always by any means,

11 00:17:41

but oftentimes— this is one of the first places I would

11 00:17:45

look, right? So what do we do

11 00:17:48

about this? How do we First step is clarifying it,

11 00:17:52

taking a moment to write it all down.

11 00:17:56

Then also, just like I was going through some of the, the most common of

11 00:17:59

7 common contracts, covert contracts, is

11 00:18:03

know your needs. Know your needs. Know,

11 00:18:06

know your base needs. We all have needs as humans,

11 00:18:11

right? Get really intimate with what you're needing. And then

11 00:18:14

the second step in that, or actually the third step, so if you write it

11 00:18:17

down first, if you were to Explore the needs underneath the

11 00:18:21

COVID contract second. Then third, my

11 00:18:24

invitation to you is be fucking courageous enough to communicate them.

11 00:18:30

Express them. So many guys, I mean, myself included, I'm not exempt from

11 00:18:34

any of this, and I continually practice this and

11 00:18:38

challenge myself. And this work does take a lot of

11 00:18:41

courage. Try to communicate it.

11 00:18:46

I try to communicate it with your partner. What do you need?

11 00:18:50

And the third step, and this is really important, this is where,

11 00:18:55

I mean, all this is where most of us guys get stuck, but the

11 00:18:59

final one, number 4, is accept, accept

11 00:19:02

that the other person may be a no to your need or your

11 00:19:06

request. So this is where we bring in

11 00:19:10

not being attached, right? Because a lot of the work is

11 00:19:14

first in the clarifying, then, right? That is like,

11 00:19:18

we got to bring this stuff, uh, what's the saying, you know, it's

11 00:19:22

going to be in the shadow, it's going to be hidden until we shine light

11 00:19:25

on it. So we're allowing it to emerge from the shadow, and as soon as

11 00:19:29

we do that, it immediately loses some of its power. Like,

11 00:19:33

yes, you might feel some emotions for sure, like I did, In the examples I

11 00:19:36

shared earlier, I shared, felt a lot of shame around it, but I immediately

11 00:19:40

felt like it gave it also a little less power because I was like, man,

11 00:19:43

this has been here all along. Shit. Now I just know it. Now I'm

11 00:19:47

owning it right now. I can go through the process and actually, again,

11 00:19:51

dig deeper within myself to know my needs, to practice communicating

11 00:19:54

them. And the final step, once again, to reiterate it, is to just

11 00:19:58

let it go. And that, that

11 00:20:02

can take some work. Right? But I promise you, if you do the other

11 00:20:05

steps and, you know, you bring it

11 00:20:09

forward to your partner, you know, being

11 00:20:13

in your feet, feel your feet when you have that conversation, place your awareness on

11 00:20:16

your feet, get out of your head, feel your feet,

11 00:20:20

deepen your breath, you know, choose a time of

11 00:20:23

day where it's actually conducive for connection. Don't bring

11 00:20:27

up these things. My encouragement to you is not to bring up these things

11 00:20:32

when she's making dinner or when she's caring for the kids. Like, no, set

11 00:20:36

up a container for this. Like, set up a time for

11 00:20:40

you two to connect and bring— like, hey, I want to have,

11 00:20:45

uh, um, I want to have a talk with you tonight. I want to share

11 00:20:46

something that's been on my heart. And are you available

11 00:20:50

tonight after the kids go down for bed? Are you open to just sitting down

11 00:20:53

over some tea? Like, set yourself up and her

11 00:20:57

in this case, set yourself up for success, or as much

11 00:21:01

success as— I mean, that's, uh, for me,

11 00:21:05

success is going through this process and

11 00:21:09

being courageous enough to go through the 4 steps. So if

11 00:21:12

you're courageous enough to go through the 4 steps and set the container, then you're

11 00:21:15

doing a damn good job, my man. So just recognize that.

11 00:21:21

So If you haven't written it down,

11 00:21:25

please do. And I would love

11 00:21:28

to hear what type of impact this has on your life.

11 00:21:33

And, you know, you can

11 00:21:37

write me on social, you can send me an email, you can write

11 00:21:41

a review on Spotify, Apple,

11 00:21:44

YouTube. But let me know, like, what has this been

11 00:21:48

able to do for you and your relationship? Has it, has it helped the level

11 00:21:51

of resentment that you carry? Are you able to let some of that go? Maybe

11 00:21:54

on certain issues it was level 10, maybe it's not back

11 00:21:58

down to level 0, but shit, if you went from

11 00:22:02

level 10 resentment around something that you've been holding and you get it

11 00:22:06

down to a 6 or 7, for heaven's sake,

11 00:22:10

that is massive, massive for the longevity

11 00:22:14

and the health of a relationship. Because remember, resentment is corrosive

11 00:22:18

and you're learning a skill You're learning a skill,

11 00:22:22

especially of connecting with your own needs and communicating that clearly,

11 00:22:26

that will serve you for the rest of your life, right? And if

11 00:22:30

you've got kids, you'll be modeling to them that,

11 00:22:34

and more than likely you'll be healing generational cycles

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by doing so. That's the number one reason I've come

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to conclusion of why I do this work. I believe the men

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by and large are the leaders. I mean, there's always exceptions and

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I'll just say it. I believe men are the leaders of the family or have

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the opportunity to be. And when we lead,

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it's a gift. It's truly a gift because

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we're leading not just for the benefit of ourselves, we're

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leading for the benefit of our woman, we're

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leading for the benefit of our kids, we're leading for the benefit of all,

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right? We're considering them, we're recognizing the ripples

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of our choices, of our actions. We're owning our part. We're

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taking radical responsibility. We're doing the fucking hard work

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and we're showing up. Not perfect. Well, we're showing up.

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And that's amazing. Amazing. And when we do that,

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the cycles that get passed down specifically on the male

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line from great-grandfather to grandfather, grandfather to

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father, father to son, Like, you get to be— I get

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to be the end of those negative cycles and

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also still honoring the ones that are positive,

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right? Because our kids, their work in this life will

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pick up where you, I, we leave off.

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And so I am committed to the best of my ability to not

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just— yes, like, leaving a financial legacy

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to Luca, but to leave him a legacy

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of the heart, to leave him the

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teachings and the lessons and these things that we're talking about right now—

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how to communicate needs, how to give voice

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to these contracts that he's going to experience in his life, and

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how to be a man. And this is, in my opinion, a

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part— not the only, but a part— in being

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a solid man, a solid leader, and one who takes

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responsibility for the life he's creating and the choices he's creating.

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So please try this exercise. Let me know how it

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goes. Let me know how the conversation goes. I would love to hear.

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And if you're interested in doing some of this work at a much deeper

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level, then we have our Men of Movement retreat happening in just—

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shoot, it's less than 2 months now. It's May 6th through the

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9th out in Mount Shasta, Wednesday to Saturday. We finish the day

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before Mother's Day, and I've got some phenomenal

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facilitators. And one of the things that we hear time and time again

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from guys, and it's usually some version of this, is

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I came in with who I thought I was or who I thought I needed

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to be, and I left with a much greater and much deeper

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understanding of who I really am.

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And that, my friends, is

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incredibly healing and freeing

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and liberating. So if you want more information,

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actually right now we only got 3 spots left. So get

11 00:25:41

in contact. I'll put a link in the show notes. Would love to share more

11 00:25:45

information. And there's also more info on my website, MikeSalemi.io/retreats.

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Have a beautiful, beautiful evening. Take it easy. Peace.