A sign told me the other day that she only has

casual relationships, because she has been hurt a few years

ago by her boyfriend, and since ever, then she just doesn't want

to be vulnerable anymore. Another client told me that she

has a hard time making new friends, because she's much more

focused on what those friends want her to be, or what

interests she should share with them, rather than being open and

being vulnerable. Do you also struggle with vulnerability, and

that feeling of opening up and letting people see who you are?

I think vulnerability is something that is in many ways

an issue, a block that stands between us, and more deeper and

meaningful relationships. So when you really, look what

vulnerability is, it is a scary thing in the dictionary, it

says, exposing yourself to the possibility of being attacked

either physically or emotionally. Well, yeah, I mean,

if that's what vulnerability is about, of course, there is

something that we want to avoid. Because, you know, mainly, we

want to avoid being judged and rejected. But I do believe that

we have it backwards, we are looking at vulnerability from

the wrong end. Because ultimately, we only make it

about other people. And the potential eyebrow raising and

negative responses we could get, when we share what's inside of

us. It's like a little bit skiing, you know, when you I

don't know, we like skiing, I like skiing, but you would only

think about while I'm putting myself on these fiberglass, you

know, thingies, hoping I won't break my leg. Or you would say

I'm getting married. But ultimately, I'm exposing myself

to the risk of getting divorced. There was vulnerability. It's

like, well, I'm opening up. But ultimately, I'm taking the risk

of getting rejected, criticized, regular, ridiculed, embarrassed,

olive, we think about all of those things only in regards to

the danger they pose to us. Naturally, it takes a lot of

strength and courage to do them anyhow. But what if we actually

look at vulnerability as not something that's about others?

But that's really about us. And what if we are not calling it

vulnerability anymore, but we are calling it authenticity,

being your authentic self. Because then you would say,

well, maybe if I can be my authentic self, then I can have

deeper and more meaningful relationships, because people

know me better. And they can relate to me more. Maybe when I

am my authentic self, and I'm sharing the truth within, I can

also be an inspiration to others, or maybe they can learn

from my mistakes. Or maybe when I am more authentic, they can be

more authentic. And then we do also learn from each other, but

ultimately being authentic. Maybe that's the freedom and

that sense of peace with yourself. That deep inside, I

think we all desire breaking away from the illusion that we

can only be accepted conditionally. And that we have

to otherwise blend in or be invisible, to survive. I think

choosing to be authentic, rather than trying to be vulnerable, is

a much better perspective. Now authenticity is not easy. That's

like you know, being vulnerable is not easy. But the difference

is, they often think when people try to be vulnerable. It's like

inviting people others into their home. But the home they

don't really know very well. They don't know where to sit

people that don't know exactly where the powder rooms are or

anything like that, because they haven't really spent a lot of

time there. Plus, it's not very well decorated, and maybe it's

even a mess because it never really has been decluttered or

cleaned up. So being vulnerable often means that you are letting

people see you in a Maybe more confused or more hurt state and

you're hoping that it's still going to be okay. Hopefully

they're going to like you, hopefully they gonna have mercy

with you or maybe make you feel better. So there's always kind

of an agenda with that vulnerability. Three of you are

seeing, again, the invitation to have others comment, and join

you or share a time with you. If you see this analogy with

authenticity, your home is something that you own, your

home is something that you have spent time with that you know,

the ins and outs, you know, the strength, and maybe the things

that still need to have a little work done. You know, what you

can share with the people that come in the things that you

rather keep private or share with very few. But you invite

people not because you want to be liked, or you want to get

approval, you invite people into your home of authenticity,

because you feel that you want to share and connect with those

people. And it's a joy for you to share that space. That is a

difference between authenticity, and vulnerability. And to become

vulnerable, to become authentic. To become authentic, there is a

little work that needs to be done. You know, we cannot just

say well, authentic just means that I gonna broadcast

everything I'm doing, I gonna do a play by play of all the

thoughts and feeling I'm having, I am bombarding everyone with my

deepest inner secrets, and also my judgments, meaning like I

tell my parents, you know, when the pod roast sucked on Sunday,

and I gotta tell my boss that, you know, he's really horribly

dressed or whatever, no, that's not authenticity, that's pretty

much spilling it all out and being out of control. You know,

like brandy Brown said, you know, being vulnerable or

authentic doesn't mean that you're broadcasting your, you

know, bikini vaccine life. It just means being authentic that

you first and foremost, take an interest on yourself. When it

takes courage, for vulnerability, it takes self

awareness and curiosity, to gain authenticity. So rather than

running away from yourself, or always looking at what other

people won from you, or how you think you should be in order to

please them, just set some time with yourself. Look inside,

listen to your thoughts. I had a client the other day, write down

simply three times a day, how she feels, and what thoughts she

has connected to those feelings. It was eye opening for her, she

really felt like wow, I finally actually pay attention to myself

and, and I told her not to judge herself, or shame herself for

even negative or darker thoughts, she could just be much

more open and in many ways accepting and even compassionate

for what was going on inside of her. And, lo and behold, when we

are more curious, and are not having the expectation,

everything has to be perfect, and we have to have it all

figured out. And the only emotion that is really

acceptable is happiness, or maybe having a little bit of

contentment with it. If we really let all of those things

go and just go in with curiosity and saying, Who am I really? Why

am I responding to certain situations? without emotion? Why

am I doing certain things habitually? Is that really still

something that is in alignment with me? Or is it something that

I'm forcing myself to do? Because that's familiar. And

maybe that's what's expected from the outside. You're just

asking yourself some really opening questions to gain a

deeper understanding. And again, being more you know, the

anthropologist who is interested in finding out what you're all

about, rather than the judge who says you're good or bad, then

you start to get a better relationship with yourself. And

then you feel also a deeper sense of self responsibility,

where you're noticing, Hmm, I have these patterns. I'm slave

driving myself to overwork or I'm never giving myself rest. Or

I have the pattern of always you know, pleasing others and never

really asking for help myself. And then you realize that that

will really feel Right anymore, there's something out of

alignment, it's not really authentically who I want to be,

and who I am. And then gradually you change those patterns. And

that is a form of authenticity that you're sharing with others.

So it's not about sharing all that's going on in sight. By

sharing things that are more in alignment with you, you know,

maybe you can share authentically, that, you know,

you want to also be someone who is not telling the person that

you usually only listen to

what's going on what is happening in your life, or maybe

you feel like authentically, it's important for you to not

always be available to, you know, go on the weekends out and

you know, have parties or all those things that you may have

felt you need to do, but that you need some quiet time, and

that you sometimes also need some alone time. That showing

the world more your preferences more, what really is feeling

right to you, that is a form of authenticity, that you know, for

some may feel like, Oh, that's vulnerable, because somebody may

not like it. But if you own it, and if you feel that this is

your relationship to yourself, that counts your opinion of what

is right for you, that matters more than the opinions of

others, being authentic, is ultimately being free. And then

you're allowing also others to be free with you. Because I

noticed this all the time, how often we are worried about

getting judged, because in our mind, we are judging others all

the time. So it's almost as if we are setting ourselves up to

live in a world where judgment, criticism, good and bad is

normal. And we judge ourselves as much as we judge others. And

so we are assuming naturally Well, everyone probably does

that. But is that really true, and Is it really necessary. So

if we are becoming more authentic, allowing people just

to be themself, whether they are pretending to be this way,

whether they have still a fear of opening up exposing

themselves, whether they have now also found a way to express

what's going on inside of them from an authentic place. And it

may not really what we used to hear from them, having that

decision of not judging them. And just also embracing their

authenticity as a win. That allows hopefully, in all of your

relationships, a ripple effect to go through, where we can all

root for each other's realness and authenticity, where we no

longer creating these threats and dangers for others because

they are afraid of being themselves and where we are

leading by example, and showing the joy of just being authentic

and real. Now that takes a little work. being authentic,

instead of being vulnerable is like learning a new language.

You know, when you are vulnerable, and you're afraid

you're speaking a different language, and you just say the

bare minimum because you're afraid of being ridiculed. When

you're feeling more and more authentic, that doesn't mean

that you are broadcasting on TV, a big speech because you may not

really know your authenticity, yet so clearly. So being

authentic, as the analogy of a language may mean that you're

sharing this also just gradually, maybe with a person

that you feel the closest with or the most comfortable with.

And then you are gradually venturing out and having more

experiences and conversations in that authentic way. The point

is, take your time. Don't worry that well I need to be now

authentic, right in this moment and all the time. Just see it as

a longer journey, a journey home to yourself a journey where

you're creating a space within you that is so solid and so

safe. And where you know so much who you are and what you're

about that nothing from the outside can shake you up. You

may be open to hear, you know other people's input and

consider suggestions or feedback, but it doesn't feel

like an earthquake. Like it often fails. When We are

vulnerable. And then we are feeling shaken up. As soon as we

don't get the response we want. And you feel that authenticity

and you're sharing this authenticity. You know, whatever

your share is something you stand behind. And whatever

people feel about them, is usually seeing way more about

them, then about yourself. So next time you're afraid of being

vulnerable,

just realize, well, maybe I'm afraid because I don't really

know and appreciate myself enough. Maybe it's not about yet

feeling okay, I have to be more vulnerable. It's apparently

really something that society ones and social media, people

always talk about how vulnerable they are. But ultimately, it's

kind of a pretended vulnerability, because it has an

agenda, the agenda to get some positive affirmation, some legs,

some nice comments. And it's really not necessarily a self

contained sense of, I'm just sharing this, because this is my

truth. And it doesn't really matter what you think about it,

I hope it's inspiring you, I hope it's making you you know,

think about something deeper. But it is not something that I

need to feel either I have to apologize or need to get some

approval for. So when you really next time going to this place

off, I'm afraid of my vulnerability of being

vulnerable. Just change your thoughts to I am curious about

how to know myself better, how to embrace myself more how to

find out more, what it is that home within that home of

authenticity and truth. And then when I'm feeling comfortable, I

am ready and open to invite others into join me in that

space. So no rush, no need to force yourself to be vulnerable.

But maybe that feeling of vulnerability is just a reminder

that it's time to spend a little bit more with yourself and be a

little bit more open to figure out how amazing you truly are.