Hello everyone and welcome back to the Happiness Challenge podcast where I'm diving into the science based habits to enrich our life.

My name is Claudia Mitura and today we are exploring further the topic that definitely requires some vulnerability and openness, the attachment styles in our relationships.

So in episode 150, why do we love the way we do?

Dr.

Katherine Bejanian, dating and relationship therapist, introduces us to the concept of attachment styles.

She gives lots of fantastic examples of how those attachment styles are playing out in our relationships.

So have a listen.

In episode 151 I recapped some of the key information about attachment styles and introduce you to some practical actions that I would love you to have tried this month to move towards secure attachment.

And in this final Part 3 episode I share my reflections and some further practical tips on this hustling the attachment styles with your partner.

So let's dive in.

So I guess my first biggest reflection around attachment styles is that they can feel quite intense and definitely we need to be very vulnerable with each other and possibly with our partners to really reflect on them.

I mean I'm already sharing what is my attachment style and I mean it doesn't necessarily feel very comforting.

I say to say, well, I have a tendency for anxious attachments and therefore I really need lots of reassurance or I might have a tendency for avoidant attachment.

And actually I'm hiding quite lots of emotions from you and I'm not going to exactly tell you how I truly feel.

So these are obviously very deep, vulnerable aspects that we may want to share or reflect on.

So I think when discussing attachment styles or reflecting on them, we definitely need to approach the topic with vulnerability and self compassion.

And what really helped me here to think about the attachment styles is a great advice from Linda Hill, author of Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Recovery.

Great book.

And she emphasizes that attachment styles are learned behaviors and they very much lack language that we grew up speaking.

And if our attachment style is insecure, it's like using a language that no longer serves us.

So we must learn a new language to foster happier, more fulfilling relationships.

So really think about attachment styles as shaping how we think and behaving relationships.

But they don't define us.

We are not the language that we speak.

Speak, we can change and grow and we can learn to communicate more effectively with our partners.

So even though it feels terrifying to be vulnerable and say yes, I have a tendency for anxious attachment style or avoidant or disorganized one, and that means that I may have some unhealthy habits when it comes to relationships, we can grow, we can learn, and we can change them.

This is the language that I grew up speaking, but I know it does not long get serves me.

Therefore I'm going to change it.

I'm going to work on it.

My second reflection about attachment styles is that it's absolutely fantastic that we willing to put the work and we reflecting on them.

And maybe you have been trying some of the tips and I know I have worked on my anxious attachment styles for attachment style for years now.

But ultimately relationships are not one way street and it's important we discuss the attachment styles with our partners and we ask our partners to actively participate in that process of building more fulfilling relationships.

And this is also very important from the sense that research shows that if we don't have a consistency in our relationships, if our partners have certain behaviors that fuel our attachment styles, it's very difficult to move towards a secure attachment style.

So again, discussing attachment styles with your partner is definitely very intimate and requires care, but it's something that is very powerful that can help us to create more fulfilling relationships.

So my question for today's episode is very much about how can we soften the way we communicate the attachment styles to our partners?

How can we do it in a very loving, open, caring, valuable way so that our partner will be on board with this idea of working on our attachment styles?

So some tips that I definitely tried out in the conversation with my husband and definitely they can soften and help us to have much more successful conversation.

So number one is using I statements.

So instead of saying you, we're trying to say I, I feel.

For example, instead of saying you never spent time with me, we saying I feel lonely when we don't spend much time together.

Rather than saying, well, you are in denial about this.

You saying, well, I feel you might be withdrawing somehow from this conversation.

This approach helps avoid putting our partner on the defensive.

Okay, so we're not accusing our partner of anything.

We're saying how we feel and how we feel about their particular behavior.

Tip number two is generally using a softer language.

So rather than using things like never, always use language like perhaps maybe slightly.

So we try just to dial down the language.

So for example, rather than saying, well, you never listen to me anyway, we saying, well, I feel that perhaps you are not listening to me right now.

So we making it about specific behavior right now.

We think I feel and we adding that benefit of a doubt, perhaps you are not listening to me.

And we waiting for response from our partners.

We giving a Space to our partner to respond to us.

Tip number three, labeling emotions.

So reflecting back what your partner is expressing.

So it's being very honest, showing that we are listening, showing that we are acknowledging their emotions and saying well it sounds like you feel frustrated when I do X, Y and Z or it sounds like you don't appreciate when so again just naming it back, naming those emotions that the partner is expressing.

Tip number four, using the phrase I wonder.

I love that phrase to very much inspire reflection.

So rather than being very rigid in the language and saying well stop being so stubborn about sharing what you truly think, we say I wonder if you are not putting too much emphasis of being secretive on what matters to you.

Again we trying to create this benefit of doubt, create that space for discussion and just well I wonder, I wonder if this is true.

I wonder if you, if you considering this, I wonder if you hiding maybe what matters to you.

But I'm just wondering about this.

So we're just having this conversation.

Tip number five is about asking open ended questions.

So again not assuming necessary what our partner needs things or wants.

So using questions like what do you think about this?

Or how can we move forward of okay, what would be appreciated by you in this situation?

What would work for you?

And final one, always showing gratitude.

I know we can take for granted that our partner owns us to share their emotions, to share their specific aspects of what they need, but actually they don't.

Of course it's important they do, but they don't.

So so thank your partner for sharing.

Acknowledge their courage in expressing their feelings.

Even if you think wow, I don't agree with that but say okay, thank you for sharing.

Let me reflect on it.

Thank you for sharing.

I appreciate that you're sharing something so difficult to you.

I feel X, Y and Z.

So I think it's really important that we we soften our communication when talking to our partner about attachment styles and actually before discussing them, let's prepare.

So I think it's really useful to write down your thoughts because often how it sounds in our head doesn't necessarily will come across that way.

Seeing it written can help us consider how your statements will sound and what actions you want to inspire in your partner.

Be very clear, this is what I need more of or less less of in terms of their behavior.

Avoid assuming they know what you need as well.

You know the classic silent treatments and you know guess what?

What I'm annoyed about the very unhealthy behaviors in the relationship.

Be clear about your intentions, be clear what you need what you expect, what's important to you also reflect why you need those certain changes.

So if what you need comes really from this positive space of building healthier relationship comes from a positive space of wanting to be closer to your partner, that's fantastic.

That's what we need to understand and showcase to our partner.

But if it's because, you know, you feel very insecure, or you actually jealous, or you actually envy of your partner, or you very disappointed and angry and frustrated, think about that because you need to then consider whether your partner's behavior can genuinely change those feelings or whether you need to work through those feelings first before going and having that conversation with your partner.

Try to anticipate your partner's responses as well.

If they disagree to what you're going to talk to them, how are you going to respond constructively?

How you going to turn the conversation around so you can talk about those attachment styles in a positive, vulnerable way?

Attachment styles are very, very powerful.

I had a quite interesting situation when my friend was sharing their struggles in a relationship.

They were dating someone and how things were not going right.

And I shared the theory of attachment styles and you know, they turned around to me and said, well you know what, I kind of hate you to the point because you are absolutely right.

This is exactly what's happening.

You know, I'm having the tendency for avoidant attachment.

The person is having tendency for avoidant attachment and this is the kind of almost a tango of avoidance that we playing.

And I just remember, you know, finding it very cute with my friend said, well you know what, hate you for the fact that you are so right about this.

But yes, in order to change this, I need to change and have that conversation as well.

So in summary, discussing attachment styles with our partner is challenging, but it's absolutely crucial for fulfilling relationships.

We can do much of the work individually of course, and take responsibility and accountability for our actions.

But open, honest conversation can really help align our needs and find compromises.

So it's important to remember that relationship thrive on collaboration and understanding.

So so thank you so much for tuning in.

I really hope that this episode will inspire you to have meaningful conversation with your loved ones.

For other tips and insights on the science of happiness, follow me on LinkedIn and subscribe to my substack newsletter.

So until next time.

As always, I dare you to be happy.