Welcome to the Peak Revival Podcast.

My name is Vesta.

I'm gonna talk about why change feels hard,

even if it's something that you really want.

If you've ever started something and not finished or

sabotaged your way through, or wonder why you can't make

the changes that you want, even though you really want

them, then I'm gonna talk about that in this episode.

Or what's at the heart of

change or why change is so hard.

One of the questions that came up in our coaching

group was, you know, women were asking like,

"why do I start things

and not finish them?"

Why does it feel so hard to change a diet

or change a habit?

And I've been doing this work for a long time, and

I have to say when we are looking at changing

our diet or our personal habits, it brings up a lot

of stuff for people, right?

Some people.

Find that they really have to use a lot of effort

to push through that.

Some people just have a meltdown, right?

I remember once we asked a woman to go get some

gluten-free oats and she, you know, almost tore the

group down online, like it was crazy reaction.

And some people just don't complete things.

They don't finish things and.

They look at it as self-sabotage and wonder

what is going on there.

Right?

So one of the things that I've noticed is that changing

your health and changing your patterns can often

bring up a lot of triggers, and I wanna explain what

is underneath all of that.

it's rarely a lack of discipline.

It's rarely a lack of willpower, right?

So sometimes we are not doing the right thing.

So if someone's given you some trendy, restrictive diet

or something, and it's hard for you to follow through,

it's because actually your body is just like.

I don't need more pressure right now.

I need to feel safe and relaxed.

Right?

So there's definitely the method, the protocol, the

thing that you're doing that could be not aligned

to what you need right now.

But when I look at the behavioral reasons why

we struggle to change is that it comes down to

we struggle with safety.

Our nervous system will prioritise safety

overgrowth, right?

What we habitually do feels more comfortable, even though

it makes us unwell than trying something new because

it challenges our identity.

And when I talk about identity, it's like who

you identify as being.

So someone that is.

You know, high performing or a great mom or an

athlete or whatever.

You identify as, right?

And so I wanna give you some examples of what I

mean, because it doesn't, 'cause once you shift your

identity, you are able to shift your patterns, right?

So our patterns are really tied to our identity, and

our identity is really something that we make up.

Okay?

So it's really, really simple like that.

But when I give you a bit more detail, you might

be able to see it land.

So if you are someone that's really high functioning,

you're organized, you're driven, you're successful,

then your identity is going to be around output.

Right.

Your safety zone is, if I'm productive, if I'm working

really hard and getting great results and achieving,

then I'm in a good place.

I'm safe.

This is good for me, right?

This is where the nervous system feels safe and relaxed,

but as soon as something's taking you away from that,

like requiring time or effort outside of that space where

it doesn't look like your normal output, that starts

to feel triggering, right?

It starts to feel like unsafe.

So for example, you know, I remember.

I explored this, I was like, why is it that, you

know, sometimes I wanna up my training and do like

more intense workouts and regularly, so even like

training hard every single day, I'm like, why can't

I become an athlete if I try to become an athlete?

I think I'd be really tired because once I really

increase my training, I get really tired and when

I look at it, I don't prioritise time for recovery

because I have to work and.

Produce and achieve, right?

So my identity is around that high functioning

woman who needs the output, the achievement,

and to be growing.

And that's where the focus is, right?

So that's where the safety is of my nervous system.

So if I'm to pull that away and go, okay, I

wanna train harder, which means I need more recovery

time, naturally, I won't be able to work as much.

And that.

Is just in my nervous system, doesn't feel safe,

so therefore I get fatigued.

But on an, on a different level, right?

So that doesn't seem worthwhile.

So I don't, I'm just like, oh, I'm too tired.

I can't keep doing that.

Right?

Do you see what I mean?

Like it's, it's almost becomes a choice, but

it's so unconscious that we don't see it.

And so maybe you're a high functioning woman and output

is part of your identity, but there's something

else that threatens that.

Maybe it's not trying to be an athlete, right?

Maybe it's.

trying to bring in a hobby or trying to do something

else, whatever that something else is that you've

tried, but it takes your time away from achieving

and therefore threatens your identity, right?

Because that is so, important because

it's, it often runs us.

We don't notice it.

It's very unconscious, but that is so important that you

are not willing to sacrifice your time away from your

output to do this other thing.

And maybe it's cooking, right?

Women say to me, I don't like to cook.

Okay.

But it's gonna be really important if

you wanna be healthy.

So therefore you are not taking that time away from

your output to cooking, which is not a high

achievement, which is not, you know, no one's gonna

recognize that and say, oh, she's doing an amazing

job in the kitchen there.

do you know what I mean?

Like, so you're not taking that.

Time away from your output and pulling it into there so

the value isn't there, right?

It's here.

'cause that's where your nervous system feels safe.

That's where it's used to operating from.

That's where it's accustomed to being in that place, right?

And as soon as it starts to feel triggering as you're

doing something new, is because the nervous system

is like, mm-hmm God gotta keep my focus here, right?

This feels safe, this feels comfortable.

This is a safe zone.

This is where slowing down feels like a threat.

This is where resting feels like a threat.

you know, anything that takes you away from your

work a holiday for a long time or switching off or

going offline starts to feel like a threat, you start

to feel unsafe because our identity is tied into that.

And then we can also look at the busy mom.

'cause one of the other things that the women said in the

program, but I'm a really busy mom, but I don't know

if that's just an excuse.

Like I am a busy mom, but other busy moms

can make it happen.

So what's going on there?

Right?

So we have to look at, is this 100% true that every

busy mom can't change their diet or can't go

for a walk in the morning or can't change something

about their life, right?

Is that a hundred percent true?

No.

Okay.

Now again, I'm not going to be saying, oh, that makes you,

you know, not an efficient person or whatever, right?

We're not about pointing fingers, it's about awareness

of our own patterns, right?

I told you about my pattern.

and this is just having awareness of your own patterns

in order to make that space.

So change is much easier and much more effortless.

So if you're a busy mom.

You know, that's something I see all the time, right?

It's easy for you to take care of your children's health,

make changes there, cook for them, nutritionally, get all

the things that they need.

Any kind of supplementation, like you will go above

and beyond there.

But when it comes to you, you're like, I didn't even

cook something for me.

I didn't have any of that.

Right.

I just snacked and ate standing up and grab what

was left over and Right.

If any of this is resonating, then it's because a lot of

women, their identity is in being, you know, serving

others and that makes them feel valuable and when you

are taking care of them.

You know, and their needs, then you'll feel needed.

And it's almost part of that rescuer profile, which I've

talked about many times.

and it can show up in different ways, right?

So when you are helping others, you feel needed

and it's like they can't do it without you, right?

And so I've identified with a rescuer in my work.

For forever.

not so much anymore.

This is definitely something I've been breaking down,

but there's a bit of that in that busy mom, right?

So your value comes from taking care of the needs

of others, and that gives you that permission, right?

You feel worthy, it feels stable.

It feels safe, right?

It gives you that you good mom, right?

That's a safe zone.

Okay?

And so as soon as you start to take some of that time

back for yourself to go, well, I need to eat well.

I need to take care of myself because then I

can't take care of my kids.

It starts to feel selfish, right?

So you don't give yourself permission to do that, right?

And so the safe zone for your nervous system is in

continuing to prioritise

the needs of others

above your own.

And so when you try to make changes for yourself, it's

gonna be very hard because the needs of others are

never going to stop, right?

And so you're always gonna be jumping there and you give

no energy over here, right?

No time over here.

So when you do give yourself time, it feels selfish, right?

It doesn't feel like it's allowed, right?

It feels, that you should be focusing on others.

'cause that's, again, where your nervous system feels.

The safest because it's accustomed to it.

Right?

And it can become even a cultural norm, right?

but it really is just a pattern.

There is nothing to say that, you know, when you

think about it, you should be taking care of yourself.

Shoulds I don't like, but it's important for you to

take care of yourself because how are you gonna show up

for others when you are empty and drained and miserable

and depressed or resentful?

Right.

And the other thing about the rescue, which I've

talked about before, but the rescuer doesn't allow

people to step up and, be resourceful for themselves.

So we actually rob people of that.

So I've talked about that in another podcast,

but I thought I'd just touch on it here, but.

If this is you, if you're a busy mom and you are focused

on the needs of others and therefore have no time for

yourself, then have a look at, this is a trigger for

you when you try to change something in your life, right?

You, I've got no time.

It's too hard when you've got kids or whatever, right?

Have a look at, this.

Identity that you have as the, you know, as a great

mom that takes care of everybody else that, you

know, has the needs of others prioritised above her own.

And, you know, that gives you a sense of value, gives you

a sense of self-worth, gives you a sense of, um, safety

for the nervous system, right?

And so as you start to change things, you've gotta

be aware that it's going to feel uncomfortable because

you're challenging that old identity and that old

narrative that you made up.

Right.

Your sense of worth and value does not come down to

being a good mother, okay?

You are inherently valuable.

You are inherently worthy, okay?

And so taking a piece of that time for yourself

does not change that.

Another thing that comes up for a lot of people

is like, why do I start but I don't finish right?

I run outta steam, I run out of motivation.

So definitely you need willpower in the beginning,

I will always say that, you know, you need to push

yourself in the beginning because you need to start

breaking habits, and that's why you have willpower, right?

To be able to make those changes using your mind

and your mental power and your willpower, you can

make those changes that you need even when you

don't have the energy.

Even when you don't have the resources, you

can make that happen.

And as you start building, you build momentum and then

it becomes easier and easier.

But there can also be an identity that you never

follow through, right?

And so it's, you know, when in our Baba burnout program

really talk about becoming a 100% finisher, developing

that trait as being one of the most important

things that you can do.

So whatever it is that you start the program

that you commit to becoming a 100% finisher.

Because the things that I've noticed in my life

before I had that habit is that I would, I would start

things and not finish them.

You know, I always used to say I was about an 80% finisher.

You know, I'd read a book to about the 80% mark, and

then I'd put it down and then pick it back up again.

I'd write articles about the 80%, Leave

it and not finish it.

Right.

When I'd go to a seminar, I'd stay and I'd leave

before the Q and a, right?

Because that was, again, that was always a 80% finisher.

So really identifying as a 100% finisher instead of

someone who identifies as, I never finish anything.

So when you look at to do something, right, I'm

not gonna finish that.

Why would I even purchase that or join that?

Right.

I'm not gonna finish it.

So you've got to.

I recognize that, that you've shaped that identity,

and again, our identity is something that we

really make up, right?

It's something that we've thought about

ourselves over and over and over and over again.

That becomes our personality or identity.

Okay?

It's completely made up.

And so we can change that by not only just creating a

different story, but stepping outside of that, right?

Proving it wrong.

And so, you know, you've gotta be committed, you've

gotta have the right system, but you've gotta be aware

of where does your, I mean, your identity may not be

in those things, right?

It may be something else, but I'm hoping that those

examples help you to see that actually, when we

identify with a particular way, stepping out of that

means risk and unsafety And scary for our nervous system.

So it's naturally gonna pull back to where it feels safe.

And that's why willpower doesn't really work in

the long term, right?

We need it in the beginning, but long term, because when

our nervous system feels unsafe or unregulated,

it's naturally gonna look for the safe zone, okay?

When we don't have awareness of this.

So when you have awareness, like you can

make a different choice.

Like for me, if I wanted to become an athlete,

which I don't really, but I pondered the question right?

But if I wanted to take my training up a notch, which

I do, then I would have to build in more recovery time,

which means I have less time for other things, right?

And that means that my identity may be challenged,

but then I'm going to be shaping something new, right?

Because is that really true?

Am I just someone who is achievement based and

high performing, whatever?

Not really, right?

There's other elements to me, but.

breaking that down.

So therefore I can start to do other things in

my life instead of just focusing on the one area.

so the question I'm gonna ask you, so rather than when

you are looking at doing other things, making changes

in your life, breaking a habit, instead of asking

yourself, why can't I do this?

What's wrong with me?

Or, I just need to try harder, I need more

willpower, more discipline.

Instead of looking at it from that perspective,

ask yourself, what is this new behavior?

Or what is his old behavior protecting me from?

What is this behavior protecting me from

feeling or losing?

where have I identified myself at?

Ask yourself that question.

I'd love you to leave me a comment below and let me know.