Cold Open

Setting: A library at Harper’s law school.

NARRATOR

It's another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis; where the superheroes save the day and the lawyers save the superheroes! Though perhaps not the day you were expecting. Listeners, by now you’ve seen Harper Hallo in action at Smith, Schmit, Smed, and Smithers. But how exactly did they come by the opportunity to join the rest of our heroes in their fight for justice? To answer that question, today we go back two whole years, to Harper’s first year at Megalopolis Law…

HARPER

Hey, Devon!

DEVON

[tone says “ugh”]

Oh, hey, Harper.

HARPER

Is this seat taken? The library’s so crowded this time of year!

DEVON

Um… no, I guess not.

HARPER

Great!

[Harper sits down]

DEVON

What’re you even doing here? Aren’t you done with finals?

HARPER

[oblivious to the bitterness]

Yep, I’m all done! Are you still studying? Do you need any help?

DEVON

No, thank you. And you didn’t answer the question.

HARPER

Oh! I’m taking a J-term elective over Winter break. Thought I might get a head start studying!

DEVON

[scoffs]

Of course you are. Your straight A+’s this semester weren’t enough for you?

HARPER

[picking up on the bad energy for the first time]

Uh, well… should I not have told the study group about that? I don’t want to drive a wedge between any of us; I mean, I couldn’t have done it without you!

DEVON

Yeah, you could’ve.

HARPER

Well, probably.

GIDEON

Excuse me, Harper Hallo?

HARPER

Oh, yes, that’s me! Hi, um… have we met?

GIDEON

We shared three classes this semester. Civil procedure, torts, contracts. Gideon Smurton.

HARPER

Oh, sorry! I’m really bad at remembering the people in my classes – too busy concentrating on the professors, I guess!

DEVON

Wait, you didn’t notice Gideon Smurton was in our class?

HARPER

… should I have?

DEVON

I mean, yeah. The Smurtons are national laughingstocks. His parents were those execs at Harcourt International who got caught in that sexting scandal like ten years ago.

HARPER

[definitely thinking of their own family issues]

Um, Devon, that’s pretty rude, bringing up someone’s family…

DEVON

Oh, don’t worry, we don’t have to make fun of his parents, he’s humiliated himself plenty. He was on a load of talk shows defending them back in the day. Hasn’t anyone sent you the “Gideon Smurton bites James Night the Night Knight” video yet?

GIDEON

[real, real nasty]

I see, you pass the time watching MeTube videos! That must’ve been what you were doing when you left your crim law textbook unattended.

DEVON

[jolts to their feet]

You know where my crim law textbook is?!

GIDEON

Yes! At the bottom of Davies River.

GIDEON

The bookstore closes in twenty minutes. You’d better hurry.

[Devon rushes off, grumbling about fucking gunners]

HARPER

That was horrible!

GIDEON

Oh, and doing opposition research on your classmates isn’t? They got what was coming to them. They were right about one thing, though, Hallo – you should know who I am.

HARPER

Well, sorry if my meme knowledge isn’t up to snuff. I’ve been busy studying law.

GIDEON

[angry]

Not because I’m a meme!

[collects self, goes back to smug]

Because I pulled straight A+’s this semester.

HARPER

Oh? So did I. So you’re the person who’s tied with me for top of the class.

GIDEON

For now. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking about taking a J-term elective. May I ask which one?

HARPER

Professor Milton’s criminal law mock trial course, obviously.

[Gideon laughs]

What’s so funny?

GIDEON

Nothing, nothing. Just glad to see that there’s some business sense in that little head of yours. Makes this all much more exciting.

HARPER

Well, everyone knows that the adjunct professor acting as judge for that course is a real judge looking for a new law clerk.

GIDEON

And the jury is usually made up of local biglaw lawyers.

HARPER

It’s a surefire path to a job.

GIDEON

Exactly. So I’ll need someone halfway competent to beat if I’m going to make an impression.

HARPER

[scoffs, indignant]

Oh, you’re not going to beat me.

GIDEON

I suppose we’ll see about that. See you in class, Hallo.

HARPER

Yeah, Smurton, you will.

Scene 1

Setting: Classroom.

NARRATOR

Three weeks and two mock trials later, Harper and Gideon have left all their classmates in the dust.

GIDEON

As you can see, it is impossible for Mr. Slip n’ Slide to have gotten into the vault, even with his liquefaction powers. In fact, I would go so far as to say that continued suspicion against my client on the basis of his powers is textbook discrimination!

HARPER

People of the jury, consider the evidence you’ve seen here today. It does not matter that Mr. Cerberus was a goat at the time of the murder – he was the only one with access to the victim, and an expert on animal transformations has testified that he likely kept his memory of his sister’s death.

NARRATOR

Now, in the last trial of the class, they finally go head to head.

RACHEL

Ugh, it’s just our luck to be up against Anklebiter in the finals. This tournament structure really goes against the school’s claim that law school should be less competitive.

HARPER

[has never heard the phrase “less competitive” in their life]

Well, someone’s gotta win the class.

RACHEL

Yes. Winning. That’s the point of school.

GIDEON

Good morning, Hallo. Hallo’s co-counsel.

RACHEL

My name is Rachel!

HARPER

Smurton! What’re you doing over here? Don’t you have an argument to polish?

GIDEON

Just checking in to see if you want to save yourself some humiliation and bow out.

HARPER

Ha! Sounds like someone is scared to face me.

RACHEL

… and me.

GIDEON

You wish. Guess I’ll see you on the floor, then.

HARPER

Unfortunately for you, you will.

[beat, Gideon walks away]

RACHEL

I can’t tell if you’re foaming at the mouth or just drooling.

HARPER

[near-rabid intensity]

We’ve gotta get those candlesticks thrown out. I don’t know if the lead pipe in the conservatory helps us or hurts us, but –

RACHEL

Okay, okay, slow down, let me write.

PROFESSOR MILTON

Alright, counselors! Does anyone have motions in limine?

HARPER and GIDEON

[as though racing to say it first]

Yes, ma’am!

RACHEL

Uh, yep.

GIDEON’S CO-COUNSEL

Sure.

PROFESSOR MILTON

Wonderful. Prosection, we’ll start with you.

[Montage]

GIDEON

Firstly, the blood-covered domino mask on the kitchen floor. It is known to be the victim’s mask, so the blood may have been his, but it disappeared from evidence and reappeared fully dry-cleaned before the DNA could be tested. Clear chain of custody problem, clearly inadmissible.

PROFESSOR MILTON

Granted.

HARPER

The lead pipe in the conservatory is obviously prejudicial evidence, and I see no probative value.

GIDEON

Objection, that pipe contains crucial DNA evidence –

HARPER

– that belongs to neither the victim nor the accused, hardly relevant. And because the victim has family members made of lead, it comes with obvious implications.

GIDEON

But your client isn’t aware of the victim’s leaden family –

PROFESSOR MILTON

Prosecution, please. I agree, the lead pipe is inadmissible.

GIDEON

The so-called bite marks on the rope in the kitchen. There’s no way that’s a firm enough surface to maintain any information.

HARPER

I’d prefer to hear that from a forensics expert during trial. Why should we trust your word?

GIDEON

You’re not trusting my word. You’re trusting your own common sense, defense, if you have any.

[indignant Harper noises]

PROFESSOR MILTON

Prosecution, we can do this without insults.

HARPER

Thank you, Your Honor.

PROFESSOR MILTON

However, I side with the prosecution. The rope is not admitted.

[more indignant Harper noises]

HARPER

The fingerprints on the candlestick in the library were acquired as part of an illegal search –

GIDEON

Really, counsel? You must know that’s absurd.

HARPER

The library is detached from the rest of the house. It was not covered by the search warrant, therefore –

GIDEON

It’s all the same property! Any reasonable interpretation of the search warrant –

HARPER

Reasonable, counselor?! Perhaps you would interpret a warrant as broadly as possible, but a truly reasonable person would respect the rights of a private citizen enough to take the warrant at its word! Property rights are part of the foundation on which this nation was built!

PROFESSOR MILTON

Counselors –

GIDEON

Yes, they are! And that is precisely why I will not allow you to make a mockery of them by –

HARPER

Well, I’m so sorry that you think the Constitution is a mockery –

PROFESSOR MILTON

COUNSELORS! Mx. Hallo is correct. The fingerprints are inadmissible.

[Gideon grumbles. Montage music ends, Harper returns to their desk and sits next to Rachel.]

Alright. Do either of you have any other motions in limine?

HARPER and GIDEON

[sullen]

No, Your Honor.

PROFESSOR MILTON

Excellent. Then we’ll have a short recess now. Everyone, be ready to reconvene in ten minutes for opening statements!

Scene 2

Setting: Classroom.

HARPER

Alright, well, that could’ve gone better, but it also could’ve gone worse. We took care of the candlestick, at least.

RACHEL

Yeah, no, it definitely could’ve been worse. But, um, you might want to… pace yourself. Y’know, emotionally.

HARPER

What?

RACHEL

I mean, that was just motions in limine and you and Smurton are already ready to kill each other. Maybe cool it a little?

HARPER

Oh! No, don’t worry! I’m just really hyped, that’s all.

RACHEL

Okay, but…

HARPER

Now you’re ready to give the opening, right?

RACHEL

You mean the one part of this you’re letting me do? Yeah.

HARPER

Remember, you have to hit the talking points I wrote here–

RACHEL

I know what I need to do!

HARPER

But the motions in limine change things!

RACHEL

Harper, you wrote me a different script for every possible outcome of the motions. I’m good.

HARPER

I guess if you’re sure–

PROFESSOR MILTON

Alright, if there are no objections, we’ll get started on opening statements! Counselors?

HARPER and GIDEON

[as though racing to say it first]

Ready!

RACHEL

Ugh.

PROFESSOR MILTON

Then we shall begin. Defense?

RACHEL

Yes, Your Honor. People of the jury —

NARRATOR

Listener, we know what you’re here for. You’re here to listen to the dearly beloathed rivals, to our hero’s not-so-far-back story. So trust me when I tell you, Harper’s and Gideon’s co-counsels did a perfectly adequate job with their opening statements. And let’s move on!

PROFESSOR MILTON

Thank you, And now, prosecution, are you ready to call your first witnesses?

GIDEON

Yes, Your Honor. Prosecution calls Mrs. Blue to the stand.

[montage music starts again]

Now, Mrs. Blue. Please tell the court what you witnessed on the night of the murder.

MRS. BLUE (CLASSMATE)

[bored, only half paying attention]

Uh, yeah, I saw the victim walk into the kitchen, and then Mr. White walked in after him, and then I heard a struggle, so I called 911.

GIDEON

Did you see anyone else enter the kitchen?

MRS. BLUE

Nope.

GIDEON

No further questions.

HARPER

Mrs. Blue, can you please tell me more about what you heard in the kitchen? What did this “struggle” sound like?

MRS. BLUE

Um… like a struggle?

GIDEON

Mr. Purple, please state your relation to the deceased.

MR. PURPLE

[doing, like, the worst, fakest cockney accent]

Oi, I’m the maid, ain’t I!

GIDEON

And please tell us what you saw the night of the murder.

MR. PURPLE

Well, I’m going about me business, cleanin’ the paintin’s, when all of a sudden what do I see? Why, it’s Mr. White goin’ into the kitchen all furtive-like! Got his arms full of cleanin’ supplies, he did!

HARPER

Mr. Green, can you state your relationship to the victim?

MR. GREEN

[the very stilted delivery of someone trying to act but not very good at it]

I’m, uh, his brother.

HARPER

And can you tell the court where he was on the night of the murder?

MR. GREEN

Yes. My brother was with me. He was definitely with me. We were apple picking.

MRS. BLUE

I mean, yeah, they were really struggling. That’s what it sounded like.

HARPER

Can you be any more specific?

MRS. BLUE

Not really, Harper.

HARPER

Wow. “Not really, Harper.”

GIDEON

And have you ever known Mr. White to do his own cleaning before?

MR. PURPLE

Well, you know what, I haven’t!

[accent getting more garbled]

I was thinkin’ it was right odd, I was thinkin’!

HARPER

Objection, um. Could you repeat that, Travis?

MR. PURPLE

[worse, if anything]

I was thinkin it was right odd, it was!

HARPER

Okay.

GIDEON

Ms. Yellow, what was your relationship to the victim?

MS. YELLOW

[overdramatically crying]

I’m his wife. Well… his widow!

[sobbing]

GIDEON

Please, take all the time you need.

HARPER

So you don’t even remember the specifics of this “struggle” you heard. How, exactly, can you be sure that what you heard was a murder?

MRS. BLUE

I don’t know! Because it sounds murdery!

HARPER

Murdery.

MRS. BLUE

Yeah! Like a murder!

GIDEON

Mr. Green, are you aware of what time the autopsy estimated the murder took place?

MR. GREEN

Uh… should I be, Professor?

PROFESSOR MILTON

You’re improvising, it’s up to you.

MR. GREEN

Then… yeah.

GIDEON

Then you’ll know it was 11pm. Why were you and your brother apple picking at 11pm?

MR. GREEN

Uh…

HARPER

Mr. Purple, what were you doing immediately before the murder?

MR. PURPLE

Why, I was doin’ me job, I was!

HARPER

Yes, cleaning at the party. Were you perhaps partaking in any of the refreshments while you were working?

MR. PURPLE

Well, I’m an Irishman, ain’t I? I gotta get a few nips in!

PROFESSOR MILTON

Wait, I’m sorry, is this supposed to be an Irish accent?

MR. PURPLE

[accent starts lilting Scottish]

Of course! What else would it be?

MS. YELLOW

I just…

[bursts into tears again]

I’m so sorry, it’s been so hard!

GIDEON

Yes, take your time, Ms. Yellow.

HARPER

Objection, she’s been doing this for, like, twenty minutes. She can’t possibly take any more time.

MRS. BLUE

Oh my god, okay, I didn’t prep any details here. Professor, can I just be done?

PROFESSOR MILTON

You know the rules, Samara. Harper and Gideon helped with your trial, you have to help with theirs.

[groaning from Mrs. Blue]

MR. GREEN

Late night apple picking is a time honored family tradition?

GIDEON

You don’t sound too sure of yourself.

HARPER

Objection, not a question.

GIDEON

Withdrawn. Are you sure about that, Mr. Green?

MR. GREEN

[not sure]

Um… yes?

[montage music fades out, signaling we will be sticking with this next witness for a while]

HARPER

Mr. White, thank you so much for joining us today. Could you please tell us what you remember from the night of the murder?

RACHEL (playing Mr. White)

Well, I was hosting a party. Everything was going fine. Only midway through the party Ms. Yellow and Mr. Magenta got in a fight, and everyone started yelling, and it was really stressful, and sometimes I clean to relieve stress, so I started cleaning the kitchen. And then, uh, my brother found me and decided to take me out apple picking.

HARPER

I see. And what of this “struggle” that Mrs. Blue claims to have heard?

RACHEL

Honestly, I have no idea. I might’ve been gone apple picking by that point. Sometimes the cat knocks the hanging pots and pans together? He got mutated by alien cat food and can fly.

HARPER

No further questions, Your Honor.

PROFESSOR MILTON

Prosecution, your witness.

GIDEON

Mr. White, how would you describe your relationship with the deceased?

RACHEL

Relatively neutral. We traveled in the same circles, thus him being invited to the party.

GIDEON

Interesting. So you wouldn’t say you were close?

RACHEL

Not particularly. I was sad to hear of his passing, of course.

GIDEON

Mr. White, did you have any reason to murder Mr. Black?

RACHEL

Of course not!

GIDEON

Hm. What are your feelings on the Statue of Liberty?

RACHEL

Um…

HARPER

Objection, relevance?

PROFESSOR MILTON

Overruled for now, but get where you’re going quickly, prosecution.

GIDEON

Of course, Your Honor. Mr. White, the question?

RACHEL

Uh, I have no particular feelings on the Statue of Liberty.

GIDEON

Did you hear about its crown being stolen last year?

HARPER

Objection! Your Honor, come on.

GIDEON

I’ll rephrase, then. Isn’t it true that you stole the Statue of Liberty’s crown last year?

[jury of other students gasps and giggles]

RACHEL

[milking it]

I-I-I don’t know what you’re talking about!

GIDEON

I think you do. In fact, I think you’ve been keeping the crown in your unreasonably large attic.

HARPER

Counsel is testifying!

GIDEON

Withdrawn! Mr. White, isn’t it true that Mr. Black is the land manager of that attic? Isn’t it true that he had seen the crown?

RACHEL

I…

GIDEON

ISN’T IT TRUE that he was BLACKMAILING YOU over knowledge of the crown to the tune of monthly payments of ten thousand dollars?!

RACHEL

…YES! IT’S TRUE, ALRIGHT?! HE WAS GOING TO TAKE EVERYTHING!!!

GIDEON

So I’ll ask you again – did you have any reason to murder Mr. Black?!

RACHEL

… I didn’t kill him. But I’m glad the bastard died!

[Gasps. Rachel starts to take on a more jokey tone.]

If only I had rented a storage unit! It’s just that my attic was already so big! I’d forgotten that I had a landlord! Whyyyyyyyyyyyy

[class breaks into giggles]

HARPER

[muttering to themself]

Seriously, Rachel?

PROFESSOR MILTON

[getting the class under control, also giggling a bit]

Alright, alright! Why don’t we take a short recess while we all… recover from this?

[gavel bangs]

Scene 3

Setting: Hallway outside classroom.

HARPER

Did you really have to go that hard?

RACHEL

Sorry, sorry, I got caught up in the moment. How’d he even know about the crown thing? I didn’t tell anyone about it.

HARPER

Obviously he read your mind, he’s been using his powers this whole class! But we can’t prove that, and we’ll just be accused of power discrimination if we bring it up.

RACHEL

So what do we do?

HARPER

Okay, um… we’ve still got those silver spectacles in the kitchen. They didn’t belong to the victim or the defendant, it casts doubt on them being the only two people there.

RACHEL

Those could’ve gotten there anytime, there’s nothing to indicate they belong to the murderer.

HARPER

Dammit.

RACHEL

Can we shift blame onto anyone else? Ms. Yellow had been buying up all those weird abstract unicorn statues, maybe there’s some money laundering going on.

HARPER

Maybe…

GIDEON

Well, well, well. I knew I’d find you if I just followed the smell of desperation for long enough, Hallo and Hallo’s co-counsel.

RACHEL

We’ve been in this class for a month! You should know my name!

GIDEON

A month in which you’ve yet to do anything relevant.

RACHEL

I’ve watched the video where you piss your pants on national TV, how’s that for relevant?

GIDEON

[angry]

That was not piss, it was —

[cuts himself off, collects himself]

Anyway, I must say, Hallo, this was far less of a fight than I expected it to be. I’m almost disappointed!

HARPER

[talking big, but frustration showing]

I could say the same about you! Assuming you’ve won before it’s over, shouldn’t you know better?

GIDEON

Oh, please. Like you can come back from that. A rookie mistake, letting me near someone with secrets!

HARPER

Well it’s not like I could stop you from doing the cross! And forgive me for expecting you not to cheat!

GIDEON

Is it cheating to use every resource at my disposal? I have a duty to my client, Hallo. It would’ve been irresponsible not to make sure your witness was telling the truth.

HARPER

You have a duty to not be a dick!

GIDEON

Ah, we’re resorting to ad hominem. That certainly won’t hold up in court.

[murderous Harper noises]

Face it, Hallo – I won this round. And not because I cheated, but because I was better than you.

HARPER

If you were better than me, you wouldn’t be relying on your powers as a crutch. I’m going to win this, without any superpowers, because I’m smarter than you!

GIDEON

Talking big, but the evidence says otherwise. You wouldn’t be saying any of that if you could read the jury’s minds right now. They’re eating out of the palm of my hand.

HARPER

Oh, that’s what you think. I’ve got some tricks up my sleeve. In fact, if I lose this, I’ll… I’ll bow out of the running for valedictorian.

GIDEON

[shocked]

You wouldn’t!

HARPER

Of course I wouldn’t. I’m not going to have to. That’s how sure I am that I’m gonna take this.

GIDEON

[shaken, trying not to show it by being angry]

Posturing is useless, Hallo. Why can’t you ever just admit defeat?!

HARPER

I’ll admit defeat when I’ve been defeated. And I’m not going to be, certainly not by you!

GIDEON

I’ll hold you to this.

HARPER

Only if I lose.

[starting to get the upper hand]

Y’know, we could make it a bet, if you’re so confident. Hm? Do you want to make the same statement?

GIDEON

N-no, I’m not insane!

HARPER

Well, here’s the thing, Smurton – neither am I. I’m just right.

[beat, Gideon searches for a comeback]

GIDEON

You’re ridiculous, Hallo. I’ll show you in trial.

[Gideon walks away, fuming]

RACHEL

Holy shit, you showed him! How’d you do that? What’s your plan?

HARPER

Um…

RACHEL

You do have a plan, right?

HARPER

Yes! It’s just… a bit risky. I have an argument that I think will work.

RACHEL

Great! What is it?

HARPER

I can’t tell you that. He’ll just read it from your mind.

RACHEL

… won’t he read it from your mind, though?

HARPER

No, he won’t. Look, my twin has telepathy – which is, of course, a completely normal power that a ton of people have – so I know how to get around it. But I need you to stall for twenty minutes.

RACHEL

Is this dangerous?

HARPER

[not convincingly]

Uh… no.

RACHEL

Harper –

HARPER

Look, just trust me, okay? I’ve got this, I promise.

RACHEL

Alright. Twenty minutes.

HARPER

Thanks!

[running off]

You won’t regret this!

RACHEL

Yeah, we’ll fucking see about that.

Scene 4

Setting: Classroom.

RACHEL

So, uh, as you can see. The horoscopes of the witnesses are crucial evidence…

PROFESSOR MILTON

Rachel, come on.

HARPER

[rushing into the classroom, sitting down]

I’m back!

RACHEL

And I’m done!

[they go sit down]

PROFESSOR MILTON

About time. Now, if there are no other motions, we’ll go right o n to closing statements. Counselors, are you ready?

HARPER

Ready!

GIDEON’S CO-COUNSEL

Uh, Gideon?

GIDEON

Their thoughts are… strange. They did something.

GIDEON’S CO-COUNSEL

Gideon, closing statements.

GIDEON

Ah, uh, r-ready.

PROFESSOR MILTON

Wonderful. Prosecution, you can begin.

[Gideon walks up to the front of the room]

GIDEON

People of the jury. Um…

[we get a brief window into Harper’s thoughts as heard by Gideon, which features odd, kind of calming water-sloshing-back-and-forth noises and maybe some humming]

[quietly]

What the hell?

PROFESSOR MILTON

Prosecution?

GIDEON

R-right. People of the jury, today we are gathered here to decide the fate of one Mr. White, who is accused of murdering the dearly departed Mr. Black. By now, we have discussed huge arrays of evidence, and the picture that that evidence paints is undeniable. Mr. White was the last person seen with Mr. Black. Multiple witnesses have testified of an altercation in the kitchen, and that Mr. White covered that altercation up. Mr. White’s only alibi is his brother, who has shown himself to be more than willing to lie on the stand and loves Mr. White dearly. And most importantly of all – Mr. White had ample motive to kill Mr. Black, in order to cover up his own crimes. The defense will tell you…

[more sloshing and humming from Harper’s head, Gideon speaks through gritted teeth]

The defense will deny all of this. But you know what happened on March 23. You know who took Mr. Black from the poor, grieving Ms. Yellow. You know the truth about Mr. White – that he is a dangerous man who has lied, who has stolen, and who has killed in cold blood. Do what you have come to do. Take that man out of society, and protect your fellow citizens. Give Mr. Black’s family some small measure of peace. Prosecution rests.

[light applause from the other students]

PROFESSOR MILTON

Defense?

[Harper goes up to the front of the classroom]

HARPER

[not slurring or anything, but they are SLOSHED right now, so play it a little overdramatic and spacy]

People of the jury. The prosecution is correct about one thing – you have heard a lot of evidence today. Witness testimony, security camera footage, and yes, motive. Mr. Smurton has put together a compelling case, I admit. But what truly stands out to me about this case is the evidence that we haven’t heard.

For example, the prosecution has not presented a single piece of DNA evidence. They didn’t tell you this, of course, but that’s because there was not a single trace of the victim’s DNA in the mansion. There has, in fact, never been any DNA tested that belonged to the victim, not even outside the case. And why is that, people of the jury?

Well, to answer that question, we can look to the victim’s family. Specifically, to their superpowers. Several of them possessed leaden skin, a power that made it impossible to draw their blood. And as we all know, such abilities run in bloodlines. So I posit the following: perhaps the victim was impervious, due to undisclosed superpowers!

GIDEON

What?!

HARPER

It would explain why Mr. Black felt confident running blackmail schemes against powerful people! If that is the case, and imperviousness is hardly a rare superpower, the prosecution has failed to identify a realistic murder weapon. With such a power, it would have to be far more complicated than a simple knife or blunt instrument, and the prosecution has not put forth any evidence that such a murder weapon existed.

Which brings me to the next piece of evidence that we have not seen: a body. Mr. Black’s body was never found. So I ask you, was there truly a murder on March 23?

GIDEON

I’m sorry, you’re arguing that he isn’t dead?!

PROFESSOR MILTON

Prosecution, please!

HARPER

I am arguing that if he’s dead, then you, Gideon Smurton, have not proven it beyond a reasonable doubt! Yes, you have shown that something may have happened on March 23 between Mr. Black and Mr. White, but there is no proof that it was a murder. A fight, almost definitely. A murder attempt, maybe. But Mr. White is not on trial for a murder attempt.

People of the jury, ask yourselves: is this enough to send a man to prison for life? Witness testimony and circumstantial evidence, when it hasn’t even been proven that a crime took place? Look inside yourselves. I think you’ll find the answer.

[crowd goes wild]

GIDEON

What the fuck.

Scene 5

Setting: Classroom.

PROFESSOR MILTON

Alright, I believe the jury has finished deliberating. Would you like to read the results?

CLASSMATE 2

In the case of The People v. Mr. Black, we find the defendant… not guilty.

HARPER and RACHEL

YES!!!

[They start celebrating, jumping around and hugging and yelling. Suddenly, Harper burps and the celebration cuts off.]

HARPER

[dreamy, indicating that Gideon is hearing their thoughts]

Woah! That tasted like Everclear.

GIDEON

[throwing himself to his feet and screaming]

ARE YOU DRUNK RIGHT NOW??????????

PROFESSOR MILTON

What?!

HARPER

[definitely drunk right now]

Uh… who, me?

[burps again]

PROFESSOR MILTON

[pissed]

Mx. Hallo! Answer the question!

HARPER

[getting a little more visibly slurred as they go]

I will answer that question with another question – is it not our responsibility as attorneys to perform to the best of our abilities, even at the detriment of our physical health?

PROFESSOR MILTON

I would argue that getting drunk for trial is not performing to the best of your abilities! This is tremendously unprofessional!

HARPER

It’s performing to the best of your abilities when Gideon Smurton is your opponent! Professor Milton, with respect, is it unprofessional to use every resource at my disposal? I have a duty to my client! It would’ve been irresponsible not to stop his telepathy! Not only that, but I outperformed him even with a significant handicap against myself!

GIDEON

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?

PROFESSOR MILTON

I… I guess that’s valid? But I’m sorry, I cannot give you full marks for this one. You just knocked yourself from an A+ to an A.

HARPER

What?!

GIDEON

HA! In your face, Hallo!

PROFESSOR MILTON

You get an A too, Mr. Smurton.

GIDEON

WHAT?! But they’re drunk!!!

PROFESSOR MILTON

And they still beat you in this trial. No A+’s for either of you.

[Harper and Gideon groaning]

Well! It has certainly been an exciting last day of class. I can honestly say that I’ve never seen anything like this before. I see a lot of future lawyers with a lot of potential in front of me, and I hope you’ll reach out if there’s ever anything I can do for you. But for now, you’re all dismissed. Good luck in next semester’s classes!

[chorus of “thank you, Professor!”s and footsteps as students start filing out]

HARPER

Um, Professor. About that clerk position –

PROFESSOR MILTON

Oh, yes! Rachel, could you hang back for a moment? I would love to talk to you about that.

RACHEL

Really? Yes, I would be honored!

[they walk off, chattering, and Harper and Gideon leave, disappointed]

GIDEON

Well, I hope you’re happy with how this turned out, Hallo.

HARPER

I’m happy you lost.

GIDEON

Why, you –

MAL

Excuse me! Harper Hallo, Gideon Smurton?

HARPER

Oh, hello, Mr.…

MAL

Malcolm Aria. I’m a senior associate at Schmith, Schmick, Smith, and Smythe law.

PHIL

[elbowing his way into the scene]

And I’m Phillip Aria. I’m a senior partner at Waylon, Aria, and Edgerton.

MAL

That was a clever gambit you pulled at the end there, Young Hallo. And Young Smurton, excellent performance throughout.

PHIL

Yes, I agree. Waylon, Aria, and Edgerton should have spots opening up for law students in the coming year. Based on the skills you showed today, I would be eager for you both to apply.

MAL

What a coincidence! Smick, Smed, Smithson, and Smith will also have spots opening up around that time, and I would also be eager for you both to apply!

HARPER

Smick, Smed, Smithson, and Smith? I thought it was –

PHIL

What it is is a firm that’s stuck in the past. Everyone is miserable there – how could they not be? I have it on good authority that Malcolm requires all the briefs that are served to him to be written in Courier –

MAL

Well, it’s better than working for that horrible Edgerton man. He himself has been on trial several times, for crimes ranging from white collar to fratricide –

PHIL

Nothing was ever proven! At least we have control of our AI.

MAL

LOIS is the latest model, and nobody in our firm has any complaints about her!

PHIL

Oh, please. Maybe she was the latest model when Infinity developed her in –

[Mal and Phil continue bickering, fading to the background]

GIDEON

Well. Looks like we have more to compete over, Hallo.

HARPER

It appears we do, Smurton.

GIDEON

I am going to destroy you.

HARPER

Ha! Bring. It. On.

NARRATOR

And there you have it, listener, the start of a beautiful enmity! We'll see you again soon listener; for wherever there are lawyers being super, there are supers needing lawyers. Join us next time for another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis, here on Super Suits!