Welcome back to become a calm mama. I'm your host. I'm Darlene

Childress, and I am a life and parenting coach. And on today's

episode, I'm actually gonna combine the two parts of

my brain and my skill set from the life coach part and the parent

coach part, sort of put them together because could it today, we're gonna

be talking about what I call a parenting manifesto.

And in my program, in the commama club and in my 1 on

1 programs, when you work with me, you get the commama handbook, which is like

a 100 pages of all my thoughts about parenting

all put together in one place. And the first

page of it has what I call the Come Momma manifesto. And

I've kinda designed this, manifesto, so it

looks kinda cool and kinda, interesting with different

bolded words. And so it's like the word cloud looking thing.

And I've always thought, oh, it'd be so cool to get these printed and, like,

you could put it up in your house somewhere or in your desk or

whatever. So if you're a member of my newsletter

or on my Instagram, you'll see we posted the Calm Mama

manifesto on our social media, on my social media, as

well as sent it as a document that you could download

in the newsletter in the email. But, essentially,

a manifesto, what is that? Okay. So a

manifesto is a list of principles to help guide

you how you wanna live each day. This came to me originally

Well, I realized I actually made a few manifestos in the past but didn't call

them that. But how this came to me was I was in a business

program, a program that teaches you how to run an online business

because I'm a good coach, but I didn't know anything about business. So I needed

to learn how to, like, do what I do in a way that helps

people hire me. And so I took a bunch of different programs throughout

the years. And one of the programs I took, one of the first programs I

took, I got a paper, a poster that said the

doers manifesto. And it was essentially a list, a

guideline for people who were gonna

create an online business and, you know, promote their business and what they were committed

to. You know? And it said things like focus on the

task, be willing to fail. I don't even remember what it all said, but

kind of those ideas. And I was staring at this for a while and I

was thinking, okay. If I have a business manifesto

or a work ethic manifesto, why would I not

have a parenting manifesto? Which is the thing that is

the most important thing to me was raising my children. And I wanted

to have a list of principles for how to I wanted to

live my life, how I wanted to to, like, make sure I

was committed to as a parent. So what I did was I just

sat down with a piece of paper and I wrote down a list of

20 things that I was committed to as a parent.

And that's what I want to invite you to do in

this episode. I want you to actually you can borrow mine for sure.

Go, you know, go to Instagram or download it on the newsletter, whatever.

Message the team if you need can't get a copy, we'll give you one. You

know, so you can copy mine. It's pretty good. You know? And I'm gonna read

it to you. But you can also spend some time looking at your

own life and thinking about what it is it that you're committed to

as a parent. So this isn't really a family manifesto. It's

not like I was saying as the Childress', we

are committed to taking care of

our items or something like that. Right? It

wasn't anything like we're gonna serve as a family, or we're gonna

commit to being kind to each other. This was

more for myself, what I was committed to as my kids'

moms. Of course, if I made a mistake, if I didn't show up the way

I wanted to, I would forgive myself. Absolutely. And then remember,

wait. No. I have principles. I have values. I have things that are

guiding me each day. And so I wrote it up. I made my

own manifesto, and I called it my parenting manifesto.

And now this is really the call mama manifesto in the program.

So I wanna read to you a couple of them just to get your brain

going and start thinking about maybe what are your

values. And then I'm gonna talk a little bit about what now that I've kind

of raised my kids, what I noticed was missing here. And then because it

wasn't what I focused on, it actually didn't happen.

Because what you focus on is what you create.

What you spend your time thinking about is is what you end up

doing. And so I just think that's kind of interesting. I'm not beating myself

up about it. I just thought, well, what was missing from this list? And then

I realized a couple of things. And then I'm gonna give you some prompts of

help you to ask yourself some of these questions. That way you can make your

own manifesto. I could have called this the Darlene manifesto or

whatever. But really it was about me being a mom, not a person. Well, I

mean, I am a person and a mom, but I wanted to focus on my

parenting. K. So the first thing that I committed

to is that parenting is my opportunity for

growth. I wanted to look at this

experience of raising children as an opportunity

to become a more whole and healed

person, to let the learning

that I was going to have with my kids, to

invite that learning in and not fight against parenting, but

realize all these obstacles. They're just opportunities for me to grow and

heal. That actually came to me that concept came to

me around the time that Lincoln was 4 when I started to explore all

these parenting conversations and get parent education.

And I was struggling so much as a mom. I was becoming a reach for

mom, mad mama. I was like, I think I was

fighting against the, uncertainty and constant work of

parenting. I was just frustrated by it. So when I sunk in

and realized, you know, this is gonna be challenging, and this is gonna be

good. All the things that I'm gonna experience while being a parent,

they're my opportunity for growth. So that is the top of my

manifesto, just kind of framing the entire parenting

experience as this way that I can

become more whole and more healed. Some of

the other commitments I made to my kids was that I would demonstrate

love without condition, no matter what they say or

do. So this was really important to me because I didn't

wanna be a parent that only showed love

or showed kindness or showed care to my

kids only when they were being good. Right?

I chose to not just ignore their

misbehavior and instead see, of course, that feeling strive behavior.

And that I would I would love I would not just love them, but I

would demonstrate love. I would take action without

condition, no matter how what they said or did. I

would never pull my love away. That's a commitment I've

made. That's a foundational principle of how I approach parenting.

That's the second one. Okay. Another one is I would listen

with curiosity and compassion. So I wanted to

commit to listening to my children,

either being curious about their life, their thoughts, being

interested in them, finding them fascinating, choosing

to think they were interesting so that I could stay curious. Do you

hear I am saying choosing to think they're interesting?

Choosing it. I had to choose to think these are really interesting

people. And when I was thinking that, then I was like, oh, my gosh. What

are they saying? What are they thinking? What's going on in their lives? And I

became genuinely curious. And I would listen to

them because I want to get to know them. So it's listen with curiosity

and compassion, really being committed to listening

to them from that compassionate place where I could see

where are they coming from, what is going on, what lens are they

looking at the world through, what is going on that's

driving this behavior or whatever they're saying.

So, listening with curiosity and compassion was another

commitment. That was my third one. The 4th one was

model, work, play and rest. So, I wanted to be a

parent who showed up and showed them what hard work looked

like. So I was willing to do hard work, and I modeled that. I

also was willing to play. I want to be playful. I

actively chose to be a playful parent. I read books

called Playful Parenting and How to Bring More Play. I adopted

kind of an idea, like, that like, I was a preschool teacher. I was an

elementary school teacher. I was like a middle school teacher. I kind of brought in

to my parenting some of the strategies that, you know, teachers

and camp counselors would do just to connect

and play. Of course, I love the outdoors. I love the wilderness,

and I love being outside. I love being by the pool. As you guys

know, I love being outside and doing all those things. And that's really play for

me and rest for me. So I brought my kids into that world of

mine. Whatever I did for play, I included them in a story when

they were really little. And then I modeled rest. So

I would let my children see me rest. Not as

much as I think I could have because I was they were so rambunctious

and wild. But they did see me like, I'm gonna, you know, I'm

gonna lay down for a few minutes or I'm gonna take the week off of

work and we're gonna just rest and recover. And we chilled

out on the weekends a lot. We weren't busy all the time because I wanted

to model all three of those things. So that shows my values. I value

work, I value play, and I value rest. So I modeled those.

That's the 4th one. The next one was what I was willing to

provide. So I always say this that, like, my job as a

parent and I know I'm going fast. You might need to pause this. But remember,

you're gonna get this, manifesto. You can download it. So

you can see it and study it on your own. I'm just kinda going over

some of these things that I was committed to so you get the idea of

what maybe what you're committed to. So what I wanted to do is I I

would say you get you give your kids access and opportunity,

but we can't make them take the opportunity. So I can give my

kids access to piano lessons and the opportunity

to learn the piano. I cannot actually make them

play the piano. Cannot I mean, I could put my hands on top of

theirs. But I'm just gonna expose my children. I'm gonna provide for

them. So I am willing I'm committed to providing,

obviously, food, shelter, education,

opportunity, support, advice, guidance,

modeling, and love. So I'm gonna provide these things. What am I

gonna provide for my kids? Obviously food, obviously shelter. I could have put

healthcare in there I guess. That one's missing. But, you know, whatever you

wanna write. The next one that this was really important to me

because of how I grew up that my mom

was she didn't always really take good care of herself, and she

allowed her health to deteriorate, you know, in in taking

care of kids and stress and all that. And then that actually did create

problems for me in adulthood because I had this parent who was

unwell. And I don't I'm not blaming her, like, whatever.

It's fine. But I just made a commitment to take care of myself, so my

kids didn't have to. I just decided I was gonna be healthy. I

was gonna be strong. I was gonna eat well. I was gonna move my body.

I was gonna manage my stress, have a good social

life, have meaning and purpose in my life that I was gonna

take really good care of myself so that I didn't deteriorate as I aged. Now,

you know, jury's still out. But, so far so good.

Another one, I'm committed. I talk about this on the podcast. I will

be comfortable with my kids' discomfort.

That is a commitment I have made.

So it's not just a thing I say all the time. I'd be comfortable with

your kids' discomfort. This is a commitment that I've

made that no matter what is going on for them and

how overwhelmed or stressed or terrible they're

behaving or sad or mad

or hurt or confused. Like, I am just

gonna be okay with the mess that they bring to

me. That I'm gonna be comfortable. I'm not gonna let it rile me

up or or tip me over. Just gonna

stay like an anchor in a storm of their life.

And that's what I think about as being comfortable with your discomfort. You

could say be an anchor in your emotional storm of life, whatever you want.

I also committed to showing up for them, not for me. So I

didn't wanna make their life about myself. I didn't wanna live

vicariously through them. I didn't wanna make, you know, your grades

reflect on me, Your behavior, if you're not kind, that means I'm

a bad parent. I just really didn't wanna create any of that,

sort of, you should behave because it's good for me.

I wanted to just show up for them, not for me. I wanted

to parent for them, not because I got something out of it.

Like, you know, that there was some sort of tether

between how they acted or how they performed

and what I would get from that. Now, I know that's really tricky. I could

do a whole episode on how to do that. But just sort of unwinding

as much as I could that they are an individual separate from me,

and they have a whole life and a whole set of choices that I

actually don't control. I'm letting myself be okay with that.

I committed to encouraging their passions as they grew. I didn't

even know what that meant. Now that it's all said and done, I'm not even

sure what my kids were passionate about. Like, I don't know, Pokemon

and Lego and stuff. Like, what were they like,

passion for children. I don't know. But as they've gotten older and

teenagers, you know, one loves the guitar and one loves fashion. And

so I am I do encourage their passions as they

grow. Here's another one that I think is really important, and

it's respecting myself and my boundaries.

So the more that I respect myself, that

I believe that what I want is valuable, what I want is

important, and that I am worthy

of my boundary. The the more inner work I do on my self

worth, the stronger my boundaries are, the stronger my self respect

is. And then I don't have to wait for my children to

respect me in order to feel respected. I bring the

respect to the relationship and I hold my

boundaries and I'm committed to those. So that was a

commitment. I also am committed to being forgiving of them.

So I will forgive them when they make mistakes. And I will also another one

that says admit when I'm wrong. So I will admit when I

have done something wrong, and I will let them admit it as well and

forgive them and not hold it against them. I am

committed to speaking kindly.

I have actively chosen. I don't swear

at my children. I don't really use I didn't really start swearing

in front of them until they were, like, late teens. I

don't insult them. I don't criticize them.

I'm not mean. And I I just

wanted to speak kindly and patiently and loving

as much as I possibly could. It's been very rare that I have gone outside

that boundary. And I think it's a lot because I just chose, like, I was

gonna speak kindly to my children. I know you guys do too,

but I'm just not everybody does. And then this is one

that's very unique for me and I don't think this is true for every parent.

But I chose to be 100% honest with my kids.

Obviously, not about, like, fairy tales and things like that. I let them

have a childhood and let them believe in fantastical things.

But I didn't lie to them. So, like, I wasn't a sneaky

mom. I didn't, sneak vegetables and brownies

or tell them your friend isn't coming because

their mom said no. I would just whatever was going on. I don't have good

examples, but I would just say the truth. And that's

because from my childhood, I was really wounded by people not

being honest with me and telling me what was going on. And as a

kid, I knew things were weird and not right,

and nobody would talk about it. And so I just kinda chose as a

family. We're gonna be honest. We're gonna put stuff out there. We're

gonna say how it is. Like, Kevin and I were fighting at a certain point

in our marriage. It wasn't going well. And I didn't put it on the kids.

I just was, like, narrating. Yep. Your dad and I are in

a stressful time. We're working on it. If they said, are you

guys gonna get divorced? I'd say, I don't know. There's no plan

to. There's there's no intention to do that. And I'm

not making any promises. We are gonna work as hard as we can.

So I just was, like, really straight up with them. They asked me a

question, I would be honest. I don't know how else

to talk about that. This is something I actually have

as a value in my work and in my

life and with my relationships. And it's it's radical

love, radical grace, and radical listening.

So I am willing to go above and beyond

to show love where it doesn't even make sense

anymore. I am I'm willing to go above and beyond,

giving someone grace or the benefit of the doubt or forgiveness or mercy

We even when it doesn't even make any sense, like, you

like, they deserve differently. I just choose radical

grace, radical love, and radical

listening, deep, deep listening, listening on a deep

level. What are they saying and then what are they not saying?

This is how I do approach my work even with any of the moms who

I work with. I listen to you so carefully, so

so deeply with so much love and so much grace.

There's no judgment in the listening. There's just that, like I said, curiosity

and compassion. I've committed to let my kids make mistakes.

Not everybody does this. I actively chose. I'm

gonna let my kids fail. And boy did they

do and have they done. They have failed and failed and failed.

I mean, when they were littler, way less failing.

But it prepared us possibly for some of the bigger doozies that

we had in adolescence. And I just I just

let them make mistakes and then let them fix their mistakes. So that's the

second part of it. I have written here, I would commit to teaching

you how to admit when you are wrong and letting you fix

your mistakes. I wanted my kids

to not just use blame as an excuse like, well, you didn't tell me

or it's your fault or, you know, I did it because you didn't do that.

I just was like, nope. That's on you. Where what part is

yours? I'd own my part if there was any part of it. And then it's

okay. So how are you gonna fix it? You made a mistake. No problem. Mistakes

are normal. And I'd give them the opportunity to fix the

mistake because I know that that feels really good. Okay,

last one. I am committed to seeing you

as you are. So that seeing you

it's almost I think now if I would have write written this I would say

accept you as you are.

That's so important for a lot of the parents

I work with. That's one of the things we work on is like parenting the

kid in front of you. Right? Not the one you wish you had or

the one you're afraid they'll become. Where's your kid right now? Let's meet

them where they are. But the second part I have written here

is see you as you are, allow you to change.

I never wanted to pigeonhole, is that the word, my

kids and saying, oh, you're an extrovert, or you're friendly,

or you're grumpy, or you're selfish, or you're whatever

behavior. Right? You're you're a stingy kid or something like that. I would

say, well, looks like you don't want to share right now. Let's talk about that.

I'm curious. Tell me more. What's going on? Or I'd make a guess. Makes

sense you wouldn't want to share because you love your toys, and you

probably worry that you're not gonna get them back. That makes sense. Of course, you're

worried. You don't know. You want to try it? See what

happens? So I would meet my children

where they are and not judge their behavior.

Just kind of observe it. Listen to

what's going on with curiosity and compassion. But then the second

part is allowing them to change, assuming you

are going to become a person who is very

generous. I hold these high values. If I

had like a family value list, which I don't right

now, maybe I'll do one. But if I had a family value set of

values, it would definitely be generosity,

Because that's something that's really important to my husband and I. We're very

generous. We're very kind. We're very loving. We're very

open. Right? So we have all these values and I just trust

my children are going to catch those values. And

that they're gonna be instilled in them. That even if it doesn't happen on

my timeline, I allow them to change. I trust they're gonna

become whoever they're meant to be. Okay. Isn't

that cool? That's the Come Momma manifesto. I love

this. I look I still look at it, to be honest with you, quite

frequently because it's really important to me to remember what my

values are as a parent. Now, one thing I noticed,

I said I would tell you, like, you know, Easter egg, here it

is, Of what was missing.

And you know what I did not commit to was holding my kids to high

standard. And I wish I would have. I wish I would

have committed because I think I thought it was gonna happen

inevitably because I have really high standards and my husband has really high standards.

But I didn't really hold my kids to the same to the standards I hold

myself to. And, probably because I was trying to be so

gracious and so loving and so compassionate. But I didn't, like,

expect the I don't even wanna say expect the best of them. But, like,

anyway, hold you to a high standard is probably what I write would write today.

And I didn't. And I don't think my kids are, like, standardless or anything.

But I think I could have done better at holding them accountable and having a

better work ethic, work habits. So that's, you

know, revision is history. Revision is parenting.

I'm not gonna do too much of that. But it's just something I noticed. I

was like, oh, that's a gap in maybe my

parenting over the years. And also, maybe it's a

gap in my kids' lives, and they're learning it. They're figuring out their own standards.

Anyway, that's interesting. The whole, like, reflecting back

on parenting and maybe where I what I would have

changed, that's a fascinating conversation. I don't know if you guys want me to talk

about that on the podcast, but I don't even know if I can yet. I'm

just still processing it for myself. But it's been very

interesting. As the boys are gone and out of the house and I have more

time to think about, like, where are we? What happened?

How'd it go? You know, that kind of thing. Okay. I'm derailing. How do

you do this for yourself? That's what I wanna give you is some tools

of how to make your own manifesto. Like I

said, you can download mine. You can copy it for sure. I made

it on Canva. So if you're really interested, we can give

you the Canva link so that you can make your own, you know, using

my model and make make your own. Connect with me if you want that.

Okay. Here's your prompts. Okay. Here's your action

steps. The first thing you could try is just making a

list of 10 things that you are committed to as a

parent. Just like I'm committed to

10, these 10 things. I think I have like, I have like 16. So

anywhere between 10 to 20 things that you're committed to as a parent.

Now, if you aren't sure what to write, here's some

questions you can ask yourself and these will help get you to

those commitments. One is

what's important for me to model for my kids.

Like, when your kids grow up, you want them to be like, what type of

people? So what do you need to model to get them there?

So taking care of myself, respecting myself,

modeling work, play, and rest, listening, things like

that. Those are sort of my values showing up in like, I

wanna model these things for my kids. Here's the next question.

What kind of parent did you need or want? Like,

what are some gaps that you reflect on with your the way you

were parented that you wish your parents would have done? That's a really

good way for you to see, like, oh, that's what you're committed to. The things

you want to do differently from your parents, those are your

commitments. Flip side, things you love that your parents did.

My mom, honestly, she 100%.

For one, she thought I was amazing. So she just thought I was, like,

the best thing ever. So that was super cool to

have somebody who just thinks you're amazing. So I I just had that in

me. That's a cool thing to give to your kids. And the other thing is

that I felt her unconditional love. Like I feel like I,

I felt like I could never ever do anything to lose

that. So that was really beautiful. So that was my demonstrating love without

condition. That's like an homage to my mom. And I only talk

about my mom because I didn't have a relationship with my dad. He abandoned our

family when I was 5, or 6. I don't know how old right now. I

can't remember. And, I was I went into reunion with

him at the age of 30. So I didn't speak to him for most of

my childhood and young adult life. And then reconnected

at the age of 30 after I had kids already. So totally different

experience with him. You want to see what kind of parent did you need or

want and or what kind of parent did your parents how'd your parents

show up? Another question you could just ask be like, what kind of parent do

I want to be? I want to be the type of person who I want

to be the type of mom who I want to be the type of parent

that Right? You just get to write out what do you

want. Who do you wanna be? Write it out. Make a

list. And then another prompt could

be what kind of parent does my kid need me to be? So you

could start with, like, my child needs me to be or

to do or to say whatever that is, and

then fill that out. And you can kind of build up your manifesto

by using these prompts. Okay. I am glad I had

a chance to do this episode because it's been on my mind for a long

time. And I realized I've never done an

episode where I lay out, like, the values

that the commitments we have as moms. Right? Like, it's I think

I kinda thought it was it didn't need to be said. But

then, of course, I say it when I work in my programs. So I wanted

to just have this episode where we talked about it and we talked about the

Calm Mama manifesto. If you have any

questions at all, please, of course, if you're on the newsletter, reply to the

email. That goes right to my inbox, to be honest, and I just

reply right away. If you need anything, like you can't get the download

working or whatever. And also my team, it gets that in inbox too, so

they'll reply and help you. And, or you can message me

on Instagram, book a discovery call, a consultation.

All that is available to you. So, yeah.

I'd love to see your list if you're also like, you kinda wanna share them

with me. I'd love to see them as well. I'm sharing mine and I don't

know. Curious to see what yours is all about, what your commitments

are. Okay. Great job. Heavy work, but

I think it's worthwhile. Yeah. If you don't do it, that's fine too.

Like, don't give it. Don't put this on your list if it's not something you

need. You just start thinking about it, to be honest. Like, what am I committed

to? Just let that go in your brain and it'll kinda worm its way

into your heart and into your values, which is so cool. That's how

mindset works. You know, just small shifts. Alright, mamas.

I hope you have a great week, and I will talk to you next

time.