Welcome to another episode of Become a Calm Mama. I'm your host,

Darlin Childress, and today I am going to

talk about saying sorry. We're going to talk about

when you lose your temper. So we'll do another

episode on how to handle it when your kids make a mistake

and what to do, you know, how to help them

fix mistakes that they've made and how to say starry in ways that

are, you know, actually helpful. But today we're going

to talk about you and what happens when you lose your

temper. Here's the thing. Perfection is not

possible, right? Like, that's just true. Like, we can't

be perfect, nor would we want to be, right? Because there's no growth in

perfection if it's not possible in life. It's definitely not possible

in parenting, because being a mom or being a parent, you're

in a relationship with another person. And so it's very

difficult to, like, stay emotionally

managed and regulated all the time. All

parents lose their temper and speak or

act harshly towards their kids from time to time. I just

want you to know, like, it's normal, and it doesn't make you a bad

parent when you have these moments where

you have kind of lost your temper. I used to have a coach,

and she said, you know, blowing your top. I have

a friend, she says, like, lose your noodle or whatever. So however

you phrase it, these moments, they're sometimes

called ruptures because they interrupt

the connection between the parent and the child. It's like a little

volcano rupture or something. No one can actually make

you angry. Like, anger, it's an emotion,

and it comes from your thoughts about a circumstance.

So sometimes, like, your kid, you know, gets out of bed,

you know, you put them to bed, and you're like, okay, good night. You walk

out of the room, and it's no problem, right?

You're like, bye, good night. Right? And then some days they come out of

their room. I call that Jack in the box. And they're like, you know, can

I get some water? And you're like, yes, okay. And then, you

know, the next time they come out, you're like,

stop coming out. Right? The circumstance is

actually the same. Your kid coming out after you put them to

bed. And there's moments when it's like, not a big deal. And there's moments

when it is a big deal. So your anger, that's an

emotion. It's coming from your thoughts where you're like, this kid shouldn't be doing this,

right? This is annoying or whatever. And it makes you angry. Getting

angry isn't actually a problem. It's very normal. It's very

natural to feel anger just like any

other emotion. It's how you handle

yourself when you are angry. That's what you have a

lot of control over. When your child

misbehaves or their behavior creates a problem,

you have many ways to react to that circumstance.

Being really aware and doing the pause break. Right? Like pause

stopping and resetting your mind and body. When you

pause before reacting, you're going to have a

lot fewer parenting ruptures. You might feel that

anger, but you're not acting that anger out

with your kids. And so you're not going to need to apologize for your

anger. Right? It's really when we

act our anger out in ways that, like, hurt

our children or make us feel disconnected from them.

Obviously, the ideal situation is to not. Not act out your

anger. Right? Okay. But it's not possible.

It's just not. You're a person, so how do you handle it

when you do act your anger out? When you speak or act

harshly towards your child and you create that negative impact

and you create that disconnection, how you handle that

parenting rupture, that's what actually matters. Like, your anger is whatever

it is, and actually your action is whatever it is. When

you lose your temper and you act that anger out,

it's time to take responsibility for your actions and repair

the rupture repair is what we're talking about today.

Repairing that rupture repair is the

conversation you have with your child in order to mend

the disconnection between you. There are

unhealthy ways of handling a rupture. Okay?

Like, this is just. This is just how

it happens, right? Sometimes when we have a

disagreement with someone or conflict and we act our anger

out, we might want to blame or blame the other

person or justify our behavior. Right? So what does that look

like in parenting? It's like, I acted so upset

because they did blank. Like, if they would just do the right

thing, I wouldn't have to get mad. And yelling is the only thing that works

anyway, and it's my kid's fault that I got so mad.

When you're blaming your kid on your action,

when you're justifying your action because you

feel like you're entitled to acting that out because your kid acted out,

you're going to end up lecturing and punishing and, you know,

moving into, like, a resentment cycle with you and your kid

because you're not addressing your. Your actual, like, Your

actual behavior. You're just blaming your child on your

behavior. Another thing that parents do when they're don't

want to, you know, handle the parenting rupture they want to make repair

is they'll just dismiss it. So they'll just be like, oh, they'll get over

it. It's just easier. Like, it's not a big deal. It's easier just to,

like, ignore it and, like, pretend everything is fine. And so what

that does is it, like, leads to more disconnection. And also it's, like,

very confusing for the child. They feel less emotionally safe with you

when you sort of pretend that nothing happened, even if you

like. I mean, I've told these stories. Like, I used to yell so

much, like, spit would come out of my mouth because I was not spit.

Stopping to swallow. I would just, like, I just get so

raged, enraged. If I were just like, oh, they'll get over it.

Well, they're gonna be really confused. They're gonna be like, oh, I don't. Did that

even happen? Like, there, I'm a little kid. Did I deserve that? Like, it just

gets really confusing for them. Another thing that parents do after

they have, like, a parenting rupture is they'll feel really guilty.

Like, really guilty. Like, oh, my God,

I'm like, such a bad mom. You know,

I'm gonna, like. Then they wanna feel better, so they wanna get rid of

their guilt. So then they wanna, like, make it up to their kid by buying

a treat for them or something. Like, you know what? Oh, I yelled at you.

Let me buy you a treat. Like, you know, oh, it doesn't actually

make. Improve your child's behavior or yours.

And it can kind of build up more resentment. Like, you

will end up thinking, wait, they did something wrong. I got angry, and

then I bought them ice cream. Like, what? You won't

end up feeling great about it. The shame will come up too.

Like, I'm such a terrible mother. I can never get this right. My kid's gonna

get so messed up because I'm their mom. And, like, you kind of go into

a shame spiral, and then that kind of produces inaction and

despair, and that continues that

disconnection. So these. These patterns,

blaming, dismissing, you know, trying to

assuage your own guilt by basically bribing,

shaming yourself or being overly critical.

None of those. Resolve the conflict and

teach your children what. How to

improve their behavior by you showing them how you're going to improve your behavior.

It's not modeling anything. It's not teaching anything. It's not giving your

child emotional management tools, these strategies.

Oh, the other strategy is excusing yourself like, I'm the parent. Why should I have

to apologize? I do everything around here. I'm exhausted. Plus I have a headache. It's

no wonder I'm mad all the time. If you're kind of like, I'm

entitled to feeling this way, and you know,

you're in this pattern where you're like, I get to act this

way because everyone else in my family is a jerk towards me, you're going to

feel much more resentment towards your kids, and you're going to have more

ruptures and, and more lectures, and the

improvement in the behavior that you want isn't going to happen. All of these

strategies, they work in the short term, right? To resolve the conflict

and maybe create some peace. Like, you kind of shut down the

conversation, you turn it on your kid, you kind of pass

over it, whatever. But in the long term, these

strategies, they work against your parenting goals of building

emotional literacy in, in your kids, right? Emotional literacy. I

know what I'm feeling. I know how to talk about it. I know what to

do about it. When you model repair, you're

actually modeling. I know what I was feeling. I

didn't know how to talk about it, and I didn't know what to do with

it. And I'm gonna work on that. Like, you're kind of modeling your own

emotional literacy there. Even in retrospect, you can go back and

like, oh, I know what I was feeling. Now I know how to talk

about it, and now I know how to repair it. If you want to

develop kids, responsible kids who know how to manage their

emotions and fix their mistakes, you're gonna be wanting to repair

your ruptures with them by doing this

strategy that I'm teaching today because I'm gonna walk you

through how to have a repair conversation with your kids

that actually restores connection and stuff, strengthens your

relationship, and models to your kids

emotional management tools. Some of the benefits of

having a repair conversation is like, you're teaching your kid how

to resolve conflicts. Like, you've created a conflict because of your behavior

as the parent, and now you're resolving it. You're modeling that.

So you're teaching your kids that. You're modeling

restitution, like restoring back, like fix, fixing

mistakes, right? You're also giving your kids

permission to make mistakes and teaching them how to repair them.

You're helping build your kids self awareness. The way that we do

this strategy is you're Actually inviting your kid to talk about how they felt while

you were yelling at them or while you were stonewalling them or

criticizing them or whatever you were doing in your anger. You're giving your

kid an opportunity to become more self aware and to do

some self reflection. You're also teaching your kids how to practice empathy

because you're helping them see what was going on for you on your side and

you're helping them see what was going on for them on their side.

You're giving your kids like language about how to

narrate difficult circumstances. So you're going back through and

saying like, okay, so this thing happened. I said this and I did that and

this is what happened. You're giving them language to talk about

hard things. The other cool things that happen when you do these repair

conversations is you improve your relationship with your child. You create more

emotional safety in your home. You're removing fear

and blame and guilt and shame in that parenting dynamic.

And then plus you actually will feel better as a parent,

which is such a good thing. Right? Alright. So

a repair conversation has three parts. The first is acknowledge,

the second is recognize and the third is repair. So I'm going

to break these down for you. So acknowledging what happened,

recognizing the impact and repairing the mistake.

So that first step is acknowledging what happened. You're going back

and you're saying, here is what was going on and here's what

I did and here's how I acted.

Right? So you want to describe what you said or did and the

circumstance that was happening. Now the power of doing this is

because it actually gives your child language to describe what

happened. It kind of gives them words

instead of just emotion. Because when we have

emotion that without words, it can be really confusing and it can

create stuck feelings. You're narrating the

circumstance like, hey, this is what happened. And then you're narrating

your thoughts and feelings about why, how you were

feeling and thinking when you, when you acted that way.

And then you can talk a little bit about what you, what you could have

done differently. So you're describing the actions, you're

describing the situation and you're describing, you know, how they

responded. So for example, you'd say, when

I came to the kitchen and I saw that you had eaten 10

cookies and that, you know, I found the cookies,

I felt really angry and overwhelmed because I was

worried that you weren't going to eat dinner. And I was also

disappointed because I had made a nice dinner

and I grabbed the cookies and I threw them on the Ground.

And I said, no more cookies, in a really strong

voice. And then you started to cry, and you said,

I hate you, mommy, and you ran away. Is that how you

remember it? So you're going to describe what happened

how you what, like, the facts and, like, what was

going on inside of you. And then you're going to say, is that how you

remember it? Letting your child describe what they saw or

heard is really helpful for them to use those.

That language to communicate what happened so it doesn't get stored

in like, like a memory that, like, they

come. They come out, like, 10 years later. They're like, what happened that day when

you threw cookies at me? Or whatever. It's like you're actually creating a narrative

in that moment. So you're letting your kid describe what they saw

or heard. Now, your child, they may not have the facts straight,

and you might disagree. They might say things like, well, you didn't.

You hit me with the cookies, or whatever. You're gonna want to,

like, argue with them, especially because you. You're in a vulnerable place

apologizing, and, you know, you don't want to have. You

want the facts straight, but it's not really the time. Like, you want

to practice compassionate listening, like, listening without judgment. And

if there's a lot of confusion about what you said or done, you

can gently say, hmm, that's not how I remember it.

But go on, tell me more. So you're really letting your kid talk for

a couple minutes. That's acknowledging. The second is recognizing. So.

So you're recognizing the impact. So you're trying to narrate

how your impact, your actions might have impacted them and their

feelings. You would say, I wonder when I threw the

cookies on the ground and I yelled really loudly. I wonder if you

felt a little scared. I wonder if you were feeling a

little bit sad because you were enjoying your cookies and then mommy

came, right? Or if it's an older kid, you could be like, hey, I

wonder when I came in and I was like, came in strong and,

you know, criticized you for overeating. If you felt really

embarrassed, whatever the age is, you

want to match the emotional age with your voice.

But you're using the same tools, that connection tool of, like,

narrating and naming, by guessing what their emotion might

have been. And then again, you let your child talk, they're

going to say, yeah, it was scary, or, no, I don't care, or,

I wish you wouldn't have done that, Mommy. Or, you know, why do you have

to be like that if you have an older kid. You're just listening,

right? You actually did something wrong. So you're

listening and acknowledging, yes, I did that.

Yes, that impacted you, right? So you're acknowledging and recognizing.

And then that third step is repairing. You start by saying,

I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to

repair our relationship? Is there anything I

can do to fix my mistake? Like what? Right? You're probably like,

what, darlin? Right? You can suggest something kind or

thoughtful, like, if you hurt their body, you can be like, well,

I, you know, I did throw those cookies at you, and it did grab your

arm hard. Can I give you a hug? And can I give you some kisses

on your arm? Or with an older kid, it

rarely happens, but if you were really a little bit too physical, you can say,

you know, hey, do you. Do you need some ice? Or something like that. If

you harmed or removed a possession, like you broke the

cookies or you threw them in the trash can or whatever it

is, you can offer to replace that item if it's

actually theirs, saying, like, I know I took your. Your

lollipop and I threw it on the ground. Would it work for you

if I got you a new lollipop, you know, later this week? Or if your

words caused them suffering, like you were really critical or said something

mean? You can say, would it be okay if I drew you a picture?

Or, hey, I want to write you an apology letter? Does that work for you?

You're kind of offering a way to repair that mistake and

acknowledge and recognize and then repair that. And each

time you're going to pause and, like, allow your child to

forgive you if they want. If they make a reasonable suggestion,

you can make that happen. Like, mommy, you really scared

me. Can you read a book to me? Or

whatever it is? Yes, you can

repair what you've done, or just give a

nice hug and make a little snack that they like, or watch them play for

a short while or offer to listen to them play the

guitar or take. If they're older, go

for a drive or whatever the thing is so that you

can kind of build that connection back up. I want you to know,

like, there's no right outcome for these conversations.

You don't have to get to some sort of, like, really

deep connection or, you know, have your,

like, the way that you fix your mistake make this giant impact.

You don't need to get attached to, like, any specific result.

Your child doesn't even have to accept. Accept your apology. Really,

any reaction from your child is okay. The only

thing that's really important is your attempt to

communicate the mistake you've made, your

willingness to be vulnerable and to sit in that

discomfort of like, yeah, I didn't show up the way I wanted to as a

parent, and that's on me. Here's what was going on for me,

here's why, and here's what I would like to do differently.

And what was that impact on you? Okay, great. Let

me make that up to you. If it's at all possible, your

attempt at repair is the thing that is important.

So these conversations, they can be awkward and they don't always

go smoothly. Like, your child might not even want to have one. And

actually, that's also okay. It's when you go through the

work of doing this even inside of yourself, like, huh? What was

going on for me? Acknowledging, yes, I said that. Yes, I did

that. That must have had an impact on my child. Okay, I'm not going to

do that anymore. Instead, I'm going to do this. You going through that

process in yourself is going to create a new

dynamic between you and your child. Sometimes

these moments, these conversations can bring up old

resentments and past hurts. And your child

might say, like, well, you always do this, and you never let me have sweets.

And you, you're always saying no to screen time. And you took it away last

week. A lot of big feelings might come up. And

that's when you're shifting out of this repair conversation and

just into compassionate listening and narrating and naming those

feelings for your kids. Oh, yeah. It seems like you have some

big feelings towards mom. Like, you're upset with me right now

and I want to hear about it. Yes, that makes sense. Of

course. Of course you felt angry with me. Really kind of

validating, acknowledging and letting them

spill out some of their resentment towards you.

Stay as calm and present as you can. Now, if you notice

that you're starting to feel stress or anger, then just

pause right there and just be like, this conversation is getting a little intense

and I want to talk about this with you. I do, but not now,

because I don't want to say anything that I regret. I don't want to hurt

you. I'm gonna take a little break. That might bring up

morphe. See, this is what you always do. You never wanna talk about it. Like,

you're right, you're right. This is not a good moment for me. I am

gonna take a break. I'm gonna calm my body, and then we can talk about

it again. You always have that power to set a

limit. If Things are getting too intense for you,

or if they're getting really intense and they're not able to, like, come

down from the intensity of the motion, the emotion, then you get to

say, this is really. This is a big conversation.

And I can see that you have some really big feelings about it,

and I want to help you with that, but first we need to go drink

some water first. We need to go outside for a minute. I'm happy to talk

to you about this later. It's getting too many big feelings

right now, and you can just shift out in that moment.

Your takeaway this week is thinking about a

time where you did lose

your temper with your kids, where you have shown up in a way

that you didn't love. And thinking about those

five ways that parents avoid handling

a rupture. Were you blaming your kid? Were you dismissing

it? Were you feeling, you know, bribing them with guilt? Were you shaming

yourself? Were you excusing yourself? If you look back and

you think, oh, I've been in that pattern, okay, so the next

time that you do lose your temper, decide to go

back and have this conversation, this repair conversation,

and acknowledge what you did, recognize the impact on

your kids, how they thought and felt, and then offer to make it up to

them by doing something small. It will make a huge

difference in your relationship with your kid, but also

in the way that they handle when they make a

mistake, when they show up in anger or frustration

or overwhelm, that they are able to, like, know how to say sorry

in a way that works. Last thing, do not, do not, do

not beat yourself up, criticize yourself,

shame yourself. When you do make mistakes like this,

remind yourself this is normal. I'm learning, I'm growing.

I can repair this. There's no long term damage

here. And reset, have this conversation and

recommit. You're not a shitty mom. I promise. All

right. I hope you have a great week.