[00:00:00] Dr Renee White: Knowledge is power, and we are all about empowering the mamas of the world. In each episode, we will unravel and interpret the latest research and evidence-based practices for pregnancy, postpartum, and motherhood. As mums and researchers ourselves, we have experienced firsthand the overwhelming complexity of information myths and those classic old wives tales.

[00:00:27] Dr Renee White: I'm Dr. Renee White, and this is The [00:00:30] Science of Motherhood. Hello and welcome to episode 175 of The Science of Motherhood, I am your host, Dr. Renee White. Thanks so much for joining me today. We've got a Check In Tuesday episode, and it has been spurred on by one of our followers on Instagram. Now, the context around this particular episode is that I posted a carousel and I've got it here with me. I've got my phone in front of me. [00:01:00] It is talking about that elusive village that we all hear about, that evidently everyone tells us that we need, and the carousel post is looking at, you know, what if, instead of focusing on the Instagram worthy nursery, you made a list of people who could, you know, hold your baby while you napped, give you shoulder rubs and a foot soak, cook fresh postpartum specific meals and snacks, or provide [00:01:30] consistent mental health check-ins and birth debriefs for you and your partner.

[00:01:36] Dr Renee White: And so I prompt people by saying, you know what, if this week you start building the village you truly needed for postpartum and it's got a lot of love, I have to say a lot of love. And I talk about in the caption how I had not a single clue about preparing for postpartum and these are the kind of the things that in [00:02:00] hindsight, I would absolutely focus on.

[00:02:01] Dr Renee White: 'Cause I was like too busy trying to like put together the most idyllic baby room. And you know, you, you do that as a first time mum. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you don't, but what I'm also saying is make space for these things as well, and interestingly, I had, a follower who reached out on the post and she said, [00:02:30] how do you start building a village, especially when you can't count on anyone because they say they are quote unquote, too busy or other excuses.

[00:02:39] Dr Renee White: And that is what has prompted this episode on the podcast. I wrote a blog about it because I thought, you know what? That's a really great question because you know, lots of people are busy and sometimes we can't expect friends and family to be consistent [00:03:00] with their support and care, and so I kind of wrote a blog article and now I'm talking about it on the podcast because I think some people are visual learners and some people love it in their ears. So I'm going for, I'm going for gold on this one. And I think it's a really important thing as well. And I wanted to give it a bit of airplay because I was definitely that person. I was the poster gal for how do you find your village?

[00:03:29] Dr Renee White: So. [00:03:30] You know, we are always searching for this elusive village. I feel like it's um, I feel like it's like Lord of the Rings like trek of like, where is this village hiding from us? You know, we're on this great big pilgrimage to find, what is supposed to be this group of people that are going to be, you know, around us, you know, all the time and it's gonna be bliss and all the rest of it.

[00:03:55] Dr Renee White: The first thing I'll say is that it doesn't need to be this huge group. Like [00:04:00] it can literally be two people, like two people who you really rely on. And so I wanted to share my story with you about how when I was 33 weeks pregnant, I moved to a new suburb. I didn't know anybody, like not a single soul except for my husband.

[00:04:23] Dr Renee White: I didn't know where the local cafes were. I didn't know the parks, the playgrounds, where did everyone hang out? [00:04:30] And so, as I said, I'm officially the poster girl for like, how the heck do you find your village? And so I wanted to share with you five things that I did. Probably quite subconsciously as well.

[00:04:43] Dr Renee White: Like I was just kind of like, oh, this feels right, so I'm just gonna kind of, you know, go with the flow and see how that happens. So the first thing that I did was I attended like a local, um, what was called rhyme time, and that was at [00:05:00] the, um, library up the road and it was essentially like this, kind of playgroup thing where people would turn up with their kids and one of the librarians would, you know, make a circle and sometimes did we have instruments?

[00:05:14] Dr Renee White: I can't even remember. Maybe we did. There might've been a couple. And you know, there was lots of kind of baby mats in front of us and stuff. And you could put the babies in front of you and there was just sorts of kind of singing and rhyming and things like that. And [00:05:30] so what eventually happened is, you know, you would see like that same mum there, or you'd sit next to a mum and you would kind of like get the courage to like, have a chat to a mum and be like, hi, how you going?

[00:05:42] Dr Renee White: Or like, you know, if a mum had to go to the toilet, you know, you'd kind of hold their baby or watch their baby on the mat or whatever it is. And so these kind of like sideways glances of like hi would turn into, you know, grabbing a coffee afterwards, which would then evolve into like [00:06:00] exchanging numbers and park meetups and things like that.

[00:06:04] Dr Renee White: And so my recommendation is, you know, start asking your maternal child health nurse or like your community center, what's available near you. They will have all of those contact points. Many communities run free or low cost, kind of new parent meetups, like whether they be baby sensory classes or library story times, um, even breastfeeding support groups are [00:06:30] fantastic for this and you know I totally get that like your first visit can feel really awkward and it does, 'cause you're like walking into a room and you're like, oh my God, I was talking to someone about this the other day. Like when you become a new mum, you're like, oh my God, I've gotta like learn how to make new friends again. And that can be quite difficult for people who are introverts particularly.

[00:06:54] Dr Renee White: And so, yeah, like just, just know that like [00:07:00] showing up even once can spark a connection, like you're not committing to it forever. Like it's just opening the door. So just give it a go and, and see how that works. So that's my first tip, you know, like attend some local parent or baby groups. Just go once, see how you feel about it.

[00:07:19] Dr Renee White: So it's kind of like face-to-face stuff. The other, I guess, aspect is always social media, but I would say be really mindful about that when you're [00:07:30] finding, you know, local mum groups, things like Facebook peanut, local groups on Instagram can be amazing for connection. I would be searching for things like mums of insert your, you know, suburb of city or like due in, and then your birth month. That's actually quite a popular one. A lot of our clients, our doula clients do that and so you are making connections while you're still pregnant and then it kind of [00:08:00] becomes a little bit easier 'cause you've got that established relationship already.

[00:08:05] Dr Renee White: And then also don't be afraid to just post, Hey, does anyone wanna like, have a coffee, like walk or whatever it is. That is like gold, like do that, it totally works. It really does. Because you know what? You just need one brave mom to like put it out there and you're probably gonna get like three or four other people who are like, oh, actually, yeah, I would really like to do that.

[00:08:25] Dr Renee White: So, totally, totally do that. The other thing I'll say is that I would [00:08:30] keep your eyes peeled for, there's a new app. Coming out this year that I've kind of got, um, the one up on, on this, it's the Wombe app. It's W-O-M-B-E e.app. So look, look at that for, on Instagram, they are creating something very, very cool.

[00:08:49] Dr Renee White: I'll put that in the show notes as well. The link to their Instagram page. So that's a social media kind of aspect. The. The third thing that I [00:09:00] did was, and it sound, it might sound a little bit weird, but. I kind of created this really consistent routine. I, I've got an A type personality, so I like structure and we all know that structure goes out the window when you have a newborn.

[00:09:17] Dr Renee White: But what I tried to do was I. We had a cafe at the end of our street and I kind of religiously visited that around 10:30 AM most days. Okay like there was [00:09:30] some days where I was like, hell no, I'm not doing that. I haven't even like showered or like whatever. But it's funny how when you start visiting like the same place.

[00:09:44] Dr Renee White: At the same time, you start to see familiar faces. And that was really good. 'cause again, it's kind of like that rhyme time thing where you're turning up consistently on the same day and the same time and you start to see those familiar faces. [00:10:00] So my advice to you would probably be, you know, pick one place to go every week, like the same cafe, or the same playground, or the same pram route.

[00:10:11] Dr Renee White: Familiar faces will eventually turn up, you know, they will turn into like some small talk, which will turn into maybe a friendship or an again, exchanging of numbers. And you can just kind of like consistently see those people over and over again. And like, as I said to [00:10:30] you, this is about, this is about building your routine, not just your bubbies.

[00:10:36] Dr Renee White: And so like, just go with it, like see what happens. Just turn up to the same cafe every time, maybe every like other day of the week and then just see what happens. Oh, my fourth tip is something that I really, really struggled with in the beginning. And look, you know what? Still not perfect. I'm never gonna be perfect at this.

[00:10:59] Dr Renee White: [00:11:00] And you know, that's totally okay and my fourth tip is asking for help and accepting it even if it's imperfect. I was terrible at this so, so bad because I thought that I could do it all and do it all by myself, like. Like you can't do that, especially in motherhood. Like it just sucks, right? But over time, and I've had a lot of practice, I have become better at it, so [00:11:30] it can feel really uncomfortable, but saying I need help to a friend or a family member, even if it's been, you know.

[00:11:39] Dr Renee White: A bit of a time period between if they've been distant, you know, give them a chance to step up you might be pleasantly surprised. They might not offer the perfect solution, but you know what? Imperfect support is better than none, and like it can simply be you know a quick text message [00:12:00] saying something like, you know, I'm feeling really isolated.

[00:12:03] Dr Renee White: You know, any chance we could go for a walk or like, you know, did you wanna FaceTime today or can I book in a time to like chat with you? Or like, something really simple as that. Give them an opportunity to really step up for you. And then my kind of fifth and final tip, is it doesn't need to be friends and family.

[00:12:25] Dr Renee White: Right? If you feel like, if you feel like your friends and [00:12:30] family are being like a bit flaky, maybe look outside the box. Like your, your village doesn't need to be, you know, all the people in your inner circle that you normally have. It could be a postpartum doula like us. It could be a counselor who is, you know, well versed in this area, like of maternal mental health.

[00:12:53] Dr Renee White: It could be a lactation consultant, it could even be your gp, because these people can all provide really [00:13:00] key emotional support in early motherhood. And let's be honest, these people get it. Like they get it, they kind of walk the talk and they are around mamas just like you all the time. And they can hold space maybe, you know, when others can't or won't.

[00:13:18] Dr Renee White: So I would say, you know, building a village, it includes both, you know, personal and maybe professional support as well. [00:13:30] So I guess to kind of wrap it all up. My first tip is always attend local parent and baby groups. Even if it's just the one time, like just give it a go. Like you may love it, you may hate it who knows? Maybe that local group is not for you. You can try something different. My second tip is use social media, but be really mindful of it. Don't slip down the rabbit hole of like getting unsolicited advice. Because it can be, [00:14:00] it can be a little bit dangerous and then, you know, if it feels like it's causing anxiety for you, step back, step out of it, um, for sure.

[00:14:08] Dr Renee White: Try and create a consistent routine where you're doing the same activity in, outside in public, you know, every day or every day, like pick one day of the week that like that's what you're gonna be doing. You might be pleasantly surprised who you stumble upon time and time again. Fourth [00:14:30] one, asking for help. That's a tough one. If you find it really challenging to ask for help, I would dip back into one of our previous episodes with Katie Parker, and I'm just trying to find Episode 82.

[00:14:46] Dr Renee White: Episode 82. Why is it so hard to ask for help? Have a listen to that one because if you struggle then you know you might need a little extra help. And my fifth tip [00:15:00] is it doesn't need to be personal, they can be professional village members as well, so just ask, you know, take the time, be courageous, but know that you are not alone in this search.

[00:15:15] Dr Renee White: Like, you know, your village is totally out there and sometimes you just need to knock on a few new doors. And you know what? You could be pleasantly surprised. I, as I said, I'm the poster girl for it. I [00:15:30] turned up. I knew no one. And did it, did it happen overnight? Absolutely not. But I would say over, you know, 2, 3, 4 months, we had a solid group of people who we consistently like saw at the park and you know, we were hanging out and getting fish and chips for dinner and you know, particularly during [00:16:00] covid times when things got really, really challenging, there was some consistent families and not a lot, like I'm saying, there was probably two families that we really like leaned on and that we could consistently say, yep, they are totally part of our village.

[00:16:15] Dr Renee White: And then we kind of like had a outer circle, like a periphery type of thing where it'd be like, of course you would like hang out with them at the park, but it would be, but we wouldn't be at each other's houses. You know what I mean? So yeah, it doesn't need to be a big village. It just [00:16:30] needs to be yours and it needs to be something where you feel safe and that you feel loved and heard and listened to.

[00:16:37] Dr Renee White: So with all that, good luck. If anyone has any other further questions, feel free to jump in on our Instagram at Fill Your Cup underscore dive into the dms. I'm more than happy to answer your questions and maybe I'll turn it into a podcast. Alright everyone, see you later. Bye.

[00:16:58] Dr Renee White: You loved this [00:17:00] episode please hit the subscribe button and leave a review. If you know someone out there who would also love to listen to this episode, please hit the share button so they can benefit from it as well.

[00:17:13] Dr Renee White: You've just listened to another episode of The Science of Motherhood proudly presented by Fill Your Cup, Australia's first doula village. Head to our website ifillyourcup.com to learn more about our birth and postpartum doula [00:17:30] offerings where every mother we pledge to be the steady hand that guides you back to yourself. Ensuring you feel nurtured, informed, and empowered so you can fully embrace the joy of motherhood with confidence. Until next time, bye.