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I think this might be one of the
most common problems that I see

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when I'm working as a therapist
or as a coach with my clients.

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Uh, and that is the belief that
if we don't know what is causing

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ourselves to feel anxiety or anger
or depression or fill in the.

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that we can't fix it.

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And actually brings up another problem,
which is the idea of fixing these things.

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Hey,

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I'm Justin Sunseri.

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I'm a

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therapist and coach.

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I love to work with people to help
them feel more calm, confident, and

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connected without psychobabble or woo woo.

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Welcome to Stuck Not Broken.

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This is of course not therapy or,
nor is it intended to be therapy.

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Well, before I even go to this, this
is, I'm gonna respond to a question

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I got from within my community.

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Basically I'll read it
first and then go into it.

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The person says, "this is in
regard to safety anchors."

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I have a course called building safety
anchors and a book called stuck now

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broken book two building safety.

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It talks all about both the course and
the book talk all about how to feel

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safe, how to recognize it, how to do
it again and build up the capacity

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to feel safe, um, day in, day out.

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"This is in regard to safety anchors.

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I'm not sure they will work for me.

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I don't know what's
triggering my anxiety."

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And then it gives me a year by year
rundown of some of what he's been

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through and what he's attempted.

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And it sounds like he's definitely
putting quote unquote, the work

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he's, he's done everything that
one could ask of him to do.

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And then says, uh, "my biggest
problem is I don't know what's

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creating this internal anxiety drive.

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If I don't know what
it is, I can't fix it.

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It would seem that over the
years I have created some safety

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spaces and recovered, but there
is still some driving underneath.

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I felt safe running safe at university
and then safe at a specific area.

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They never lasted."

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So that's the context.

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So I want to respond to a
couple of pieces of this.

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By the way, if you have a question for
me, I love responding to questions.

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I also create episodes where I'm
trying to figure out what would people

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be interested in learning about my
community or my, uh, my audience.

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And then sharing about that.

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I'll keep doing those.

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It was sort of like preplanned outlined
episodes, but I really like this.

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I like to read from people
and answer their questions.

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That's just more exciting for me, even
though it might not be great for the

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Algorithm and channel growth, but this
is I like doing this So if you have

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questions put them in the comments
on YouTube email me if you like to.

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I can't promise I'll get to them,
but I prefer to do this than just

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try to figure out what the heck
you guys want to learn about.

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The first piece of this is if we
don't know what's causing the feeling

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can't we or can we not fix it?

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So on the one hand, like, yeah,
of course, knowing what is

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causing anxiety is super helpful.

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If you know that heights or spiders or a
certain person or just going to work, if

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you know these things cause you anxiety,
then yeah, it makes it a lot easier to set

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yourself up to potentially decrease the
amount of anxiety, if not eliminate it.

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altogether.

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So if you know that you're afraid
of spiders, well, you don't

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go around spiders and all of a
sudden you don't have anxiety.

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That pretty much solves
the problem, right?

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Does it help you grow and
face your fears and all that?

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No, not really, but it
gets rid of the anxiety.

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So problem solved.

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If you know that you're anxious
about going to work, like, I guess

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you could just stop going to work.

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Sure.

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But maybe you could start to identify,
identify more in particular what

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at work is causing you anxiety.

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Maybe it's not all the work.

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Maybe it's certain people at work.

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Maybe it's because your cubicle or
is, um, or your office is too cramped

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and you need to declutter and that
might help to reduce your anxiety.

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Maybe you need to get up and walk in the
middle of the day instead of being on

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TikTok or whatever social media platform
during your 15, 30, 15 minute break.

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Maybe you need to get move around.

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So if we know the context, heck yeah,
then it's a hell of a lot easier

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to address anxiety, or anger, or
depression, or whatever the heck.

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But, at the same time, no, we
don't need to know what's causing

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it for things to get better.

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So, like, if, let's say that
work is your anxiety trigger,

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well, I guess we already know it.

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But let's say you're going to
work day in, day out, and you

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have no idea why you feel anxious.

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A lot of good can come from
letting yourself feel anxious

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no matter the context.

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So if you give it permission to be there,
if you just give yourself permission

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to have all of your feelings, no matter
what they are, that actually helps, helps

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to reduce the intensity of the feeling.

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So you can be at work without
realizing that work is the trigger.

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So while you're at work, even though
you're not aware that work is the

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trigger, you can still notice your
feelings and then permit them to be there.

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And then listen to what
your feelings need.

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And if you truly listen to what
your feelings, what your body

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needs, it might tell you, get
up and take a walk on our break.

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It might tell you, put the
phone down, stare out the

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window and breathe mindfully.

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But you have to first acknowledge
that you have anxiety and

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then permit it to be there.

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And then listen to what it needs.

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And if you listen deeply enough,
it'll tell you what it needs.

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So you don't really need to know
what's causing it, but your body will

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tell you that "here's the answer.

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This is what we need."

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And that can help to alleviate it.

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Well, the other issue with this question
is, and actually the kind of like he

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said toward the end, which is some things
help or some contexts help to reduce,

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or he's, he's, he used the word recover.

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Some contexts helped me to
recover, but it's still something

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still "driving underneath."

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And that's a really big issue.

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And probably what brings people to this
channel or to the political theory in

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the first place is there's something
else happening within me that I don't

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know how to cope with or turn off.

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And it's never that
easy in the first place.

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But it's not just like we go to a
situation, we go to work, and then

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we're, well, okay, sometimes it is
like we go to, we're around a spider

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and we get triggered into anxiety.

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But many people have underlying
anxiety always present in their system,

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whether they're aware of it or not.

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But it's always there, at least at
a low level, ready to be triggered.

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So it's just kind of lingering.

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A lot of people have that issue and
that would be due to their autonomic

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nervous system being stuck, probably in
a state of sympathetic flight activation.

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So even though they're not
getting up and running around, the

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body is prepared to run around.

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The body is prepared to escape.

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The body is already sympathetically
driven, at least a little bit.

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So it's kind of always there.

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And then when we go to that certain
environment, like work or around that

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certain person, now it becomes triggered.

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It was already there.

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It was waiting.

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It was lying dormant.

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But now it's triggered by whatever

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and now we feel it.

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And now we think, well, what
the heck's causing this?

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And that's a valid question.

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But also, it was already there.

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So it's not just the thing causing it.

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One may always be in a state of
flight, fight, shut down, freeze.

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And so pinpointing a cause day
to day is kind of a moot point.

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And of course, it has a lot to do with
past, the way we were raised, the things

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we've been through, culture, family,
all the, everything, religious beliefs.

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All of these things contribute
to whatever state that we are

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stuck in, for better or worse.

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And that's where the question of
what's causing this really falls apart.

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Because it's not just
a thing causing this.

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Now we're talking about being
stuck in a state of defense

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potentially for a lifetime.

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The other piece that I want to
address here, and I don't think it's

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nitpicky I don't think it's me just
finding a problem where it's not if

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you think so feel free to let me know
in the YouTube comments or email me.

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This person and pretty much everybody
I work with in therapy and as a coach

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pretty I mean, I can't think of anyone
where this wasn't true They come to

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me and they want to fix how they feel.

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In no way do I blame them at all.

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And myself, I fall into this,
um, thinking pattern as well.

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So it's, no one's immune to this,
but the reality is that our feelings

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or emotions don't need fixing.

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When I call the podcast Stuck
Not broken, I really mean it.

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I don't think anyone here is broken.

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Broken.

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And anyone listening, myself,
I don't think we're broken.

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I think that we might be stuck
at some point, but not broken.

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If we're broken, we need fixing.

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If we're stuck, then, well,
we just need to get unstuck.

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And to continue down our path in life.

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And that's a long road, potentially.

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So, I don't think we need fixing.

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I don't think that our emotions,
our thoughts, are here because we

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are broken in some way, or that
we have some sort of illness.

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I I don't, I don't view
things that way personally.

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So when people come to me in therapy or
in coaching, they want to fix things.

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There's an obstacle there
because well, you're not broken.

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And the way that you feel is
damn near 100 percent of the time

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I've worked with people, a direct
result of their life context.

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Is someone born more or
less likely to be anxious?

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Maybe I don't, I have no way of verifying
that or proving that whatsoever.

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But every time I met with someone
and they tell me what they're going

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through and I learn about their history.

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Yeah, it makes sense.

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It makes sense why somebody would
be stuck in a state of flight,

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fight, shut down, or freeze.

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It makes sense why they would adopt
whatever coping mechanisms they

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have to deal with that stuck state.

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So what, how could we fix, it doesn't
make sense to me how we could fix

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something that makes complete sense.

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It's not broken.

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You're not broken.

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Your stuck state is there for a reason.

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It's normal based on the
context of your life.

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What's, I don't understand
what's broken about that.

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I don't understand what
needs fixing about that.

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And no, again, I don't
think it's me nitpicking.

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I don't think it's me creating
a problem where there is none.

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Maybe it is, but I don't think so.

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So instead of that, if we can tweak
the way we think about this, and I know

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people in my email lists are going to
say, Justin, you don't like it when

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people focus on thoughts as the root
of the problem, I, of course I agree.

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And I don't think it's the root of the
problem, but if we can reframe about

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that, we'll use a cognitive skill.

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We will reframe the need to
be fixed with normalizing.

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With validating, normalizing, and
even permitting how we feel, if we

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can put those cognitive skills into
place, I think we're better off.

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Cause now all of a sudden our emotions
are valid or we acknowledge them.

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They make sense based on
the context of our life.

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That's the normalization piece.

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And we can permit them at step three,
we can give them permission to be there.

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And what I find time and time and
time again, whether in my Client work

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one on one or in my live cohorts that
I do in my community, when we can

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validate, normalize, and actually
permit our feelings to be there instead

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of trying to fix them, they actually
soften, they get quote unquote better.

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They don't go away completely.

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They're not, it's not a cure, but when we
go through that process, it significantly,

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time and time again, significantly
reduces the intensity of what we're going

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through and it opens up some capacity to
feel it, to feel, to go deeper into it,

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especially when combined with safety.

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Passive and mindfully
grounding in our safety state.

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So it's I, I fixing and
making things better.

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I get the sentiment.

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I don't blame anybody at all.

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We've all been there.

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Again, no one's immune to this,
but if we can do a reframe here.

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So instead of fixing, it's
actually, I'm just stuck.

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And if you're into this polyvagal
stuff, like I am that stuck message

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should really resonate with you.

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So I would invite you
to take that seriously.

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I would invite you to, to reframe that.

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And if you can do that now, all of a
sudden, can you validate how you feel?

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Just acknowledge it.

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Can you normalize how you feel
based on the context of your life?

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And then can you give
permission to how you feel?

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And if you can do that, especially
when combined with safety, all of

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a sudden now you have a potential
to listen to your body, to feel

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deeply what you're going through
and then to act on those underlying

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sensations and impulses that come
along with your stuck defensive state.

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This is very top level, high
level understanding of it.

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Way more involved, um, the process
of validating, normalizing, and

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permitting the process of feeling
into your stuck defensive state.

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There's a lot of pieces that I
can't go over here, but that's the,

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that's the broad overview of it.

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I guess the, at a minimum, if you
could take something away from this

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is you're not, you're not broken.

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You are stuck like all of us on some level
where we have some level of stuckness.

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You're stuck with the potential
to get unstuck, not broken

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and desperate for fixing.

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Take that out- hopefully
you take that reframe.

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And the other piece of this
is that knowing the why of

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something can be really helpful.

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Is it necessary?

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No, not really.

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And even when I work with my clients one
on one, they always say, I don't know why.

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I don't know why I feel this way.

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I don't know why.

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We always figure it out.

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But, um, They say, I don't know why.

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And I'll tell them, we
don't need to know why.

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We just need to know what you
feel in the present moment.

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And that's, we got lots
to work with right there.

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As we feel things in the present moment,
the why of it becomes a lot more clear.

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Memories will start to come
up, feelings, old feelings.

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Those things start to come up, but in
the present moment, if we can get to just

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what you feel without making it go away,
trying to make it go away, without judging

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it, without minimizing it, if we can get
to how you feel in the present moment,

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there's so much there to work with.

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The why of it is still important,
but it's not necessary.

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Alright, that's it.

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Thank you to this person for messaging
this and letting me use it as a little

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00:15:29,153 --> 00:15:31,133
prompt to create an episode around.

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If you want to take the next
steps on getting unstuck, I

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00:15:34,823 --> 00:15:36,323
have the perfect option for you.

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00:15:36,733 --> 00:15:39,983
It is called the Stuck Not
Broken: Total Access Membership.

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00:15:40,563 --> 00:15:43,733
In the Total Access Membership,
you get access, you get total

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00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:47,563
access to the private community,
the Stucknaut collective.

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00:15:48,168 --> 00:15:50,798
And you get access to my courses.

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00:15:50,798 --> 00:15:54,608
There's five of them now with a
six one on the way you get all

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00:15:54,608 --> 00:16:00,578
my, uh, trauma recovery courses,
uh, for one low quarterly price.

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00:16:00,678 --> 00:16:03,608
As of right now, it's
90 bucks per quarter.

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00:16:03,638 --> 00:16:10,128
So about 30 a month or 25 percent off
when you do the annual membership, you'll

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00:16:10,128 --> 00:16:14,483
be able to connect with people and get
really clear learning all in one place.

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00:16:14,723 --> 00:16:15,953
I really hope to see you there.

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00:16:15,953 --> 00:16:16,413
Can't wait.

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00:16:16,433 --> 00:16:19,913
This is your invitation to join
the Total Access Membership.

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00:16:19,913 --> 00:16:21,173
Head on over to justinlmft.

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00:16:22,183 --> 00:16:25,883
com slash total access to learn more
or just message me and I'm happy

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00:16:25,883 --> 00:16:28,943
to, to answer any questions you have
about the Total Access Membership.

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00:16:28,993 --> 00:16:31,423
Again, justinlmft.

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00:16:31,423 --> 00:16:33,193
com slash total access.

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00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:34,383
Thanks for joining me in this episode.

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I really hope this has
been helpful for you.

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Bye.

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00:16:36,442 --> 00:16:40,202
This podcast is not therapy,
not intended to be therapy or

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00:16:40,202 --> 00:16:41,862
be a replacement for therapy.

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00:16:42,742 --> 00:16:46,092
Nothing in this creates or indicates
a therapeutic relationship.

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00:16:46,952 --> 00:16:50,602
Please consult with your therapist or
seek for one in your area if you are

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00:16:50,602 --> 00:16:52,612
experiencing mental health symptoms.

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00:16:53,507 --> 00:16:57,107
Nothing in this podcast should be
construed to be specific life advice.

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00:16:57,257 --> 00:17:00,517
It is for educational and
entertainment purposes only.

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00:17:01,397 --> 00:17:04,677
More resources are available in
the description of this episode

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00:17:04,707 --> 00:17:05,927
and in the footer of justinlmft.

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00:17:07,427 --> 00:17:07,827
com.