J. Rosemarie Francis (00:01.176) My guest today is Debbie Weiss. Welcome Debbie. Thank you for coming and talking to us on Solar Mom Star. Debbie Weiss (00:08.654) Thank you so much, I'm thrilled to be here. J. Rosemarie Francis (00:11.458) Yes, absolutely. Before we get into what you do, could you tell us who is Debbie Wise? Debbie Weiss (00:17.796)

Boy, that's a loaded question. So I have been a family caregiver to three different family members for over 40 years. And around the age of 50, I kind of had a wake-up call and realized I needed to take care of myself too. And I've been on a journey for about 12 years now. J. Rosemarie Francis (00:42.638) Ah, okay. All right. So, you were taking care of someone and then decide, well, maybe I need to take care. Isn't that something we neglect to notice? I'm gonna say notice. As women, especially if we're moms, that everybody is a priority except us. Debbie Weiss (01:11.755) Exactly.

J. Rosemarie Francis (01:12.843) So what was the defining moment? Did something happen to give you that aha moment? Debbie Weiss (01:20.288)

It did. And I don't think that I realized just how aha it was in the moment. I, my dad, when I was 17, had a massive stroke. He was only 45, but he survived, became permanently disabled. My parents were divorced and so he was my responsibility. And in the beginning, you know, I was thrilled to be able to help him. And, and of course I always wanted to help him and I'm not saying that that's not the case. But over time, you know, then when I did have my kids and I also have a business and you know, my husband and all of the people, you know, I just was always stressed. I was always, you know, if you said hello to me in a funny way, I would explode and it made no sense because it was just building up from not, not taking any time for myself. J. Rosemarie Francis (01:51.15) That's right. J. Rosemarie Francis (02:11.608) Debbie Weiss (02:18.753) Right. Feeling that it was selfish and I didn't have time because I had to take care of my father and my kids and, and my business and all the things. And when I turned 50, my friends insisted that we go away for a weekend. And I thought, how am I going to leave my family? And my dad had actually passed away about a year earlier. And, but I went and on that weekend. J. Rosemarie Francis (02:19.235) Yeah. J. Rosemarie Francis (02:25.006) Everybody. Yeah. J. Rosemarie Francis (02:38.702) Nothing.

Hmm. Debbie Weiss (02:47.369) Literally from the minute that we met at the airport, we went to Bermuda for, two nights. We just started laughing, just laughing. And I, through that whole trip, you know, they would turn to me and say, what do you want to do? And it was almost like I was looking over my shoulder, right? Like me, you're asking me what I want to do. I don't even know the answer. And one night at dinner, we were having a discussion of.

J. Rosemarie Francis (02:52.941) Hmm. J. Rosemarie Francis (03:06.422)

Yeah, yeah. Debbie Weiss (03:17.239) You know, what are our hopes and dreams? And I had a lot of hopes and dreams for my kids, but none for me. It felt like me, you know, my life, this is it. Right. And coming home from that and, and just seeing what it felt like to just take two days that were really all for myself and J. Rosemarie Francis (03:24.398) Mm-mm. J. Rosemarie Francis (03:31.224) Yeah, yeah. Debbie Weiss (03:44.196) One more thing for me, something about the number 50 really made me stop and look at my mortality. And I thought, I don't want to be that person who gets to the end of their life and looks back with regrets. And I don't mean I don't have any regrets for taking care of my father and my kids. One of my kids has special needs and eventually I took care of my husband. I don't have any regrets.

J. Rosemarie Francis (03:53.838) Hmm. J. Rosemarie Francis (04:02.432)

Yeah. J. Rosemarie Francis (04:08.386) Mm-hmm. J. Rosemarie Francis (04:12.887) Okay. Debbie Weiss (04:14.381) Just because we're taking care of everyone else doesn't mean that we don't deserve to take care of ourselves. And that's what changed for me. So it was that Bermuda trip that did it.

J. Rosemarie Francis (04:19.51) Right. J. Rosemarie Francis (04:25.961)

Wow, that's amazing. There is something about 50. One, it was my turning point as well. I took a vacation for the first time. I walked into my boss's office and say, I'm taking the week off. And he go, OK, go ahead, because I'd never taken a vacation, you know, at 50. And the second thing is that we neglect our own dreams and desires. Debbie Weiss (04:35.147) J. Rosemarie Francis (04:56.201) We may not recognize it, but it does build up some form of negative thing in us until we do what you did and get away and, you know, focus on you, right?mDebbie Weiss (05:11.255) Yeah, for sure. just felt, you know, this is, of course, you know, I, I wanted to have a family. went through a lot to have my own kids. I, you know, had six IVF cycles, you know, I, I love them more than anything, but at the end of the day, what happens, you know, we do our job as parents and eventually J. Rosemarie Francis (05:37.677) Mm-hmm. Debbie Weiss (05:39.959) Hopefully they go off and live productive lives and be good adults. And you know, what, where are you left kind of thing. J. Rosemarie Francis (05:48.308) Right. Yeah. Yeah. I often say, you know, everyone has their own path. It doesn't matter who you're with or what your responsibilities are. You have a personal path because whether you believe it or not, scripture says we all have to give an account of our own actions, regardless of outside forces. Right. So, yeah, of course. So are you a Solo mon? Debbie Weiss (06:17.143) I am, I am. I've been through, I couldn't figure out, you know, I knew I wanted to do something to help women who were like me. You know, I figured, I think I'm fairly halfway intelligent that I, was like I had a revelation. So I think there must be other women out there who are kind of like I was, you know, head down, not thinking about.

J. Rosemarie Francis (06:18.282) Okay. J. Rosemarie Francis (06:32.044)

Mm-hmm. J. Rosemarie Francis (06:45.42 Mm-hmm. Debbie Weiss (06:46.857) anything but the to-do list for today and everybody's appointments and where you have to drive people and all those things. But I didn't know how do I get to those people, right? And so I've, I've over the last, let's say five years or so kind of just been figuring it out and enjoying every second of it. J. Rosemarie Francis (06:53.312) Yeah. J. Rosemarie Francis (06:58.123) Right. J. Rosemarie Francis (07:11.071) Yeah, that's good. Now you mentioned IVF. Is that something you want to talk about? And if you could talk about it in the context of if someone is struggling with that right now. So you talk about your own struggles if you, know, as much as you want to and let us know about it. Debbie Weiss (07:16.536) Mm-hmm. Debbie Weiss (07:20.002) sure. Debbie Weiss (07:32.58) Sure. Okay. So I got married when I was 30. My husband was 36. I have an insurance agency and he and I kind of started it together, but it is my agency. so we weren't able to, we did it right kind of when we got married. And so I wasn't able to start trying to have children maybe until I was, I don't know, 33 or 34. And we were unsuccessful and went to the gynecologist and, uh, you know, they start you on, can't even think of the name of the medication and that didn't work and did things, you know, uh, artificial insemination in his office. And after about a year, which was very frustrating, he sent us to, you know, a fertility doctor. And at the same time. I was having one, was probably about, gosh, maybe 150 pounds overweight at that point in my life. I also was having, issues with my back and in, in, I found out that I needed to have a spinal fusion. so the fertility doctor said, don't even bother coming to me because you have to get that taken care of first. J. Rosemarie Francis (08:42.797) Mm-hmm.

J. Rosemarie Francis (08:52.749) Hmm. J. Rosemarie Francis (08:59.242)

no. Debbie Weiss (08:59.875) So that made it like another year, you know, and you know, as everybody else around you is pregnant and now, you know, I'm like 35, my husband is 41 and you know, my friend's kids are in high school practically, you know, it just got more and more frustrating. seemed like every barrier, you know, there continually was a barrier. And in the end, when we J. Rosemarie Francis (09:03.179) Yeah. Debbie Weiss (09:28.759)

did go and we had the testing, it turned out that even though, yeah, there was a little issue with my husband's sperm, that was not the main problem. It was that my eggs were prematurely aged. So let's say I was 35, but I had the quality eggs of, you know, I don't remember, let's just say a 45 year old. And because of that, and again, this was J. Rosemarie Francis (09:44.589)

Mm-hmm. Debbie Weiss (09:57.54) This was, you know, like 25 years ago. So technology today is much different than it was back then when they took the eggs. Now they test the quality. can test everything. Then you couldn't. So, um, it was, it was very, very difficult. I had two, uh, IVFs where they, I had four, four, they're not embryos, but J. Rosemarie Francis (10:10.731) Mm-hmm. Right. Debbie Weiss (10:27.671) You know, put transferred back and I did not get pregnant. And then the third time I, hit it lucky and, got pregnant and had my oldest son. then six months later, I went back to try for number two. And just in that timeframe, the situation was much worse. And so.

J. Rosemarie Francis (10:28.661) Okay. Debbie Weiss (10:56.127)

One of the issues when your eggs are, are, you know, old basically is that even with the medication that they give you, was not producing a lot of eggs to even have them, you know, try. And so I did it once and I didn't get pregnant. The second time I didn't even have enough eggs. J. Rosemarie Francis (11:11.841) I'm gonna lie. Debbie Weiss (11:21.175) to have them have the retrieval. There was like a minimum back then of like four and I did not have that. And so at that point, it was very important for me to have a second child one way or another. My oldest child was not hitting his, you know, milestones, not all of the milestones. And at this time we started taking him for testing based on what the pediatrician advised and I wanted him to have a sibling. so anyway, I was, you know, the doctor said, look, there's really not much I can do. I, I will do it one more time. I will give you the maximum, maximum dosage of medicine. He did that. There was enough for the retrieval, but the day of the transfer back, there was only one viable. embryo. And I started talking to my husband about adoption, about, donor eggs, you know, because I, I wasn't letting it go like that. That's kind of me onto the next thing. And J. Rosemarie Francis (12:31.53) Yeah. Debbie Weiss (12:38.285)

That embryo's name is Ben. Yeah. He is definitely, definitely a miracle. Yes.

J. Rosemarie Francis (12:40.621) So your miracle. That's awesome. That's awesome. Well, thank you for sharing. I know that's deeply personal, but nothing we go through, we are unique. Someone else is either going through it or have been through some, in some way, shape or form the same experience. So I appreciate you sharing that. So, nice. Debbie Weiss (13:07.989) It's a, it's a very, very difficult experience. Very, very, very difficult. Yeah. J. Rosemarie Francis (13:14.317) I imagine, I imagine, and there's some who don't want theirs, but anyway, that's another conversation. Okay, all right, so before we go on, before I start picking your brain again, tell us what you do for your clients. I see you have two books, On Second Thought and The Sprinkle Effect. You could talk about. Debbie Weiss (13:20.779)

Yeah, exactly. Debbie Weiss (13:29.507) Okay. Debbie Weiss (13:35.767)

Mm-hmm. J. Rosemarie Francis (13:41.387) those as well, what you do for your clients and how we can get in touch with you. Debbie Weiss (13:46.254)

Sure. So I have written two books. As you said, the first is on second thought. Maybe I can. It's my memoir. I actually wrote it, not wanting to do it this way, but wrote it as my husband was dying. And so it was, therapeutic in a way to have something else to focus on. had received a terminal blood cancer diagnosis and died six months later. J. Rosemarie Francis (14:16.301)

Wow. Debbie Weiss (14:16.459) And it was just at the point that I was considering writing a book and wasn't going to do it once he got that diagnosis, because, know, obviously my life was turned upside down. I didn't know what the future looked like. And, anyway, a therapist advised me, I said, well, obviously I did it by taking a course or not a course, like a small group coaching program, because I had never. J. Rosemarie Francis (14:30.433)

Mm-hmm. J. Rosemarie Francis (14:42.123) Mm-hmm. Debbie Weiss (14:44.439) had a desire to write anything, didn't know if I could, but took the leap of faith and the therapist said, I think this is actually a good time for you to do it because you'll need something of your own during this difficult period. And she was right. So it is just a memoir, meaning it's, you know, there's no advice. It's just some of my life and the story and the transformation and J. Rosemarie Francis (14:54.263) Mm-hmm. J. Rosemarie Francis (14:59.284) Yes. J. Rosemarie Francis (15:10.177) Mm-hmm.

Debbie Weiss (15:13.001) After that was published, I, everyone said, well, how did you change? What did you do after you turned 50? And that's where the second book comes into play. It's called the Sprinkle Effect. And the idea is that sprinkling in just different things into your life makes the change. It's not one big thing. it's chapters are like a sprinkle of perspective of mindset, belief, action, discipline, joy. J. Rosemarie Francis (15:25.111) Mm-hmm.

Debbie Weiss (15:41.955) curiosity, those kinds of things. And then there's an accompanying workbook. So actually I sell my books and I also am a professional speaker. J. Rosemarie Francis (15:42.475)Yes. J. Rosemarie Francis (15:55.258) Okay, awesome. Thank you. if you could, well, later I'll collect some links from you so we could put them in the show notes so we could go visit your, where you're speaking. Yeah. Okay. Debbie Weiss (16:09.411) Why, thank you. Yeah, my website is DebbieRWeiss.com.

J. Rosemarie Francis (16:13.459) Okay, thank you. Alright. Okay, awesome. So you've gone through a lot. Yeah? Yeah. You lost your husband and then the struggle with having your two sons. But tell us. Debbie Weiss (16:21.473)

Yeah, haven't we all? J. Rosemarie Francis (16:36.843)

Tell a solo mom, right, who feel like they're constantly starting over, just always going through it. What mindset shift helped you rebuild?

Debbie Weiss (16:48.735) yeah. I mean that my mindset shift literally changed my life. I didn't realize it, but I had a victim mentality. I felt that everything was happening to me. You know, it felt like one thing after another. And of course this is even before social media. I'd be comparing myself to, you know, my neighbors, my friends, the people I work with. And it seemed like their life was easy. J. Rosemarie Francis (16:56.15)

Mm-hmm. Debbie Weiss (17:16.823) Compared to mine, mine just seemed like boom, one thing after another kept hitting me. And so even though I was happy on the outside, you know, it wasn't like I'm a, I was ever a negative person, but inside I did feel put upon and why, why me? You know, my oldest son, when he was two was diagnosed on the autism spectrum and then he added other diagnoses. that, you know, was, was and continues to be,

J. Rosemarie Francis (17:19.883) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. J. Rosemarie Francis (17:30.76) Mm-hmm. J. Rosemarie Francis (17:36.107) Yes. Debbie Weiss (17:47.32) tough thing. So when I started going through my journey after 50, I realized that it was all in the way I was looking at things and that we all go through struggles. Some might be harder than others. There's a bazillion people out there who've been through worse things than I have and people who have easier and it's J. Rosemarie Francis (17:48.897) Yeah.

J. Rosemarie Francis (17:56.801) Mm-hmm. Debbie Weiss (18:16.737)

You know, all of it doesn't matter. The fact is I was not taking any responsibility for my life. I was blaming all these outside forces, all these things that were happening to me. And I was kind of letting myself off the hook by saying, well, what am I supposed to do? You know, and just listing all these horrible things and you know, how busy I was. J. Rosemarie Francis (18:19.735) Mm-hmm. J. Rosemarie Francis (18:30.125) We hope. We hope.

J. Rosemarie Francis (18:39.913) Right. J. Rosemarie Francis (18:45.687)

Mm-hmm. Debbie Weiss (18:46.007) But I was really lying to myself. And so I think you have to take a real honest, hard look at the stories that you're telling yourself. Because if you want to do something, if I could write a book while my husband was dying and I had the responsibility of my business as well, you know, I don't know. I just feel like there's, there's always, even if it's five minutes a day. J. Rosemarie Francis (18:57.323) Yes. J. Rosemarie Francis (19:02.924) Hmm. J. Rosemarie Francis (19:10.689) Yeah. J. Rosemarie Francis (19:16.045) Mm-hmm. Debbie Weiss (19:16.579) of doing something, you know, for your business, doing something, whatever feeds your soul. Like you can always figure out a way to find that. J. Rosemarie Francis (19:24.267)

Yes. Yes. Yeah. Awesome. Yeah. Thank you. It does take that shifting mindset though. And that's the crux of the matter, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. So you talk about in the sprinkly effect, adding joy back into your life.

Debbie Weiss (19:35.32) It is. It's hard. J. Rosemarie Francis (19:49.176)

through small steps. And of course, the mindset shift is probably the starting point of that. For solo moms juggling many responsibility, what are a few simple sprinkles they can add to make life feel lighter and more fulfilled?

Debbie Weiss (20:07.917) So one of the things that really changed things for me was something I did not believe in at first, but well, let me just tell you, and that is a gratitude practice. know, people would talk about it. Everybody would talk about it online. Some groups I was in, let's say what we're grateful for. And I thought, this is dumb. I mean, I really did. thought it was a waste of time. What am I supposed to say? Every day I'm going to say, I'm grateful for my kids. I'm grateful for my job. You know, what is the point of this? And then someone sent me a gratitude journal as a gift. And I was annoyed because now I have to try it because she gave it to me as a gift and she's going to ask me how I like it. And I appreciate her thinking of me. So I'll try it. And. J. Rosemarie Francis (20:41.847) Mm-hmm. J. Rosemarie Francis (20:54.423)

Yeah. J. Rosemarie Francis (21:00.437) Yeah Debbie Weiss (21:02.307)

It had different prompts, different questions that you would answer. And pretty much every day, my answers were the same. And one day I was walking my dog, as I always do, and instead of having my face in my phone or talking on the phone or whatever it was, something made me look up and I noticed how blue the sky was. And I thought, oh, wow. J. Rosemarie Francis (21:06.167) Mm-hmm. J. Rosemarie Francis (21:19.521) Mm-hmm.J. Rosemarie Francis (21:23.949) Hmm. Debbie Weiss (21:28.999) grateful for that blue sky that's something I can put my gratitude journal and I did and what I found was is that just by doing this practice I really it was almost like it wasn't like I was walking around all day looking around saying what can I be grateful for but because it was in my mind I started noticing things I started appreciating when I went into the pharmacy to pick up my medication

J. Rosemarie Francis (21:48.748) Bye. You noticed. Debbie Weiss (21:56.996)

And I talked to that same person, you know, every week or whatever it is, how often, know, a little chit chat. I'm like, you know, I enjoy talking to her that brightened my day. And you, when you, so when you do this, you start to realize and be present for those little things. All throughout our day that we do have to be grateful for. And something like that really doesn't take time. can be, you know, waking up or going to bed first thing or. J. Rosemarie Francis (22:04.789) Right? Mm-hmm. J. Rosemarie Francis (22:22.017)

Yes. Debbie Weiss (22:25.891) you know, last thing and just thinking about three things that you're grateful for. For me, just writing it down is just a little more, I don't know, having something that reminds me to do it, you know, putting the gratitude journal or the notebook, you don't need a gratitude journal on your table or wherever you are. For me, I like it first thing in the morning to remind me to do it. And, you know, you start to realize that there is joy. J. Rosemarie Francis (22:27.223) Mm-hmm. J. Rosemarie Francis (22:36.876) Yes. J. Rosemarie Francis (22:43.934) Mmm. J. Rosemarie Francis (22:47.477) Yeah. Debbie Weiss (22:52.129) built into your day, even if it's busy, even if a lot of crummy things are going on in your life. And, you know, a lot of times it just takes, unfortunately, just last Friday had a 60 year old friend pass away and, you know, it, it makes you realize, huh, what the heck am I complaining about? You know, J. Rosemarie Francis (23:08.959)

Hmm, sorry for your loss. Yeah. Debbie Weiss (23:19.233) So sometimes you just need to put things in perspective. And I think that that helps. The other thing I'd say is make, take the time to make a list of all the little things that bring you joy, right? For me, you know, most people, women would say, a cup of tea and, or not me. I get a McDonald's diet Coke every morning, no matter what that is my go-to. I quit smoking like 30 something years ago and that's when I started this habit. It's bad for you. I know don't say anything, but for me that brings me joy. J. Rosemarie Francis (23:54.476) Thank you.

Debbie Weiss (23:59.588) It's little, but when I don't have it, I can't stand it. And when I get it, just that little sip every single day, I'm like, ah, it makes me so happy. So, you know, start to make a list of those little things. Start to think about what did you do as a kid that you enjoyed and how can you make that happen now as an adult? It takes, it takes effort. You know, you, it does take effort. Nothing's going to happen. J. Rosemarie Francis (24:01.205)

Yes. Yes. J. Rosemarie Francis (24:09.479) Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. J. Rosemarie Francis (24:18.519) Yes. J. Rosemarie Francis (24:25.078) Yeah. Debbie Weiss (24:28.449) and just suddenly appear. You have to make it happen. But anyone can. J. Rosemarie Francis (24:32.375) Yeah. Yeah, it's true that, true that. Thank you very much, Wise, for coming and speaking to us today. And on that note, I'm going to ask my usual question. What is Debbie grateful for today? Debbie Weiss (24:47.168) my goodness, see? That's a nice segue.

J. Rosemarie Francis (24:50.385) Yes. Debbie Weiss (24:51.607)

Well, I'm grateful for this opportunity to meet you and to speak to your audience for sure. I'm glad we connected. J. Rosemarie Francis (24:58.665)

Amen. Yes. thank you. Yeah, yes, I'm sure. And I'm grateful for this opportunity and that podcasting gives us to connect with people we probably would never normally cross paths with. So, yes, I am grateful for this too. Thank you, Debbie Wise, for coming and talking to us on Solo Moms Talk. We really appreciate you. Any parting shots? Debbie Weiss (25:01.643)

that's it. I can come up with a lot of other things. Debbie Weiss (25:29.417)

I will leave you with my favorite quote, which is from Glinda the Good Witch and the Wizard of Oz, who said, you've always had the power, my dear. You just had to learn it for yourself. And I always thought whenever I heard that, that just meant Dorothy, click your heels and say, there's no place like home. You could have gotten there in the beginning of the movie, but it means so much more. And, and I think we have to realize J. Rosemarie Francis (25:42.989) aww J. Rosemarie Francis (25:53.303) Yeah. Debbie Weiss (25:58.295) We all have the power within us. We just have to realize that we do and learn how to use it. J. Rosemarie Francis (26:04.747) Yes, amen. Thank you. Debbie Weiss (26:07.575) Thank you.