E121 - The 4 Not So Obvious Signs That Pop Up When You're Finally Ready To Let Him Go (That You Need To Be Aware Of)

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After today's episode, you will be able to predict the four very specific things that are likely to happen when you are ready to step off of the narcissistic rollercoaster.

Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.

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Welcome back to the episode. Today we are talking about what happens when you finally make that internal decision to change. When you say, enough is enough, I have hit my rock bottom. Maybe you have come to this place before and you have actually left in the past, and maybe that was the hardest thing that you ever had done.

And maybe you went back once or twice or several times. Leaving is not just logical. It is [00:01:00] neurological. It is emotional, it is biochemical. It is an unraveling of a trauma bond in a lot of cases that has been wired into your system.

So it's not only hard to get to that readiness place where you're like, again, this is my rock bottom. But then there's another set of things that are very predictable that happen that you have to be able to move through. We're covering those four things today and why those things aren't signs that you should go back, but they're actually signs that you're on the edge of very real, tangible change in your life. So if you are completely exhausted and tired of living in survival mode, but really frustrated that breaking the cycle feels. So hard this conversation is for you because inside this conversation today, you are going to see the reason

why leaving can actually feel more terrifying than staying. You're going to understand exactly what to look for, those four predictable signs that are gonna happen when you [00:02:00] make the mental readiness shift into change, and you're going to see the deeper healing path that actually will help you rebuild your nervous system, find your identity, and build that self-trust from the ground up.

And be sure to stick around to the end of the episode because I will always pull an Oracle card that will offer you a message that you can use this week to stay more conscious in your healing. Okay? Take a deep breath.

Let's begin.

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To start today's conversation, I wanna start with my story. My story of what I moved through in leaving my narcissistic ex. So I'm gonna start this with a once upon a time because it really did feel like a fairytale. It really felt like that shining white knight came in on his horse and just. Swooped me up and showed me what love was supposed to be.

It was too good to be true. It felt really fast and really [00:03:00] intense, and really sort of like mind spinny of how we could be so perfectly compatible for each other. He liked all the same things that I liked. He was desiring me so hard. He was chasing me so hard. It was euphoric. It was intense. It was. It was a lot.

And at that time in my life, going from chasing men prior to this person, I was really the one who was chasing unavailable people. And so to be finally the one that was chosen and wanted and desired and chased

it felt fucking great, the love bombing stage. At that point in my life, I was like, whoa, this is what love is supposed to be like. And I totally fell into it. We were in that stage for a little bit of time, and then things started feeling a little bit strange. I started recognizing that I was really anxious a lot of the time, that there was a lot of eggshells that I was walking on.

It felt kind of like there was this [00:04:00] just underlying crack in the relationship that I was trying to constantly fix. Like it was just constantly trying to fix what felt broken, and as I was trying to fix it, he was over there with the hammer, just like continuing to spread the crack,

every conversation felt like it turned into a fight. It felt like we couldn't hear each other, we couldn't agree on something there. There was actually not space to share an opinion without the other person getting triggered or getting defensive, and I also was very passive aggressive and did not have good skills in this relationship, so I take responsibility for my part in these conversations as well. But it felt a lot like talking in circles. I would start with one thing that was maybe upsetting me, and we would somehow turn around all the way around until I was the one apologizing for even having brought it up.

It was like just defeat. Defeat after defeat. And like I said, there was a lot of eggshell walking. [00:05:00] There was a lot of me being passive aggressive because that was an old skill that I knew from growing up, and I really sort of just felt perpetually. In the freeze state when we're talking about the fight, flight or freeze in trauma responses, it was sort of like that frozen, oh, if I just freeze and don't have any needs and don't bring anything up and don't walk, then I won't walk on the eggshells.

I won't break something. I won't wr, I won't rock the boat.

So it was a lot of internal pressure. I had to try to again, like fix this crack in the foundation. As I was trying things, there was a lot of blame for bringing things up or for trying to be the therapist in the relationship or not letting him sort of live his life, and I never felt like I was enough, right?

It was either I'm not enough or I'm too much because I'm causing all of these problems and you've likely felt some amount of similarity here, and you know that it's exhausting, that constant giving with nothing in [00:06:00] return, the constant trying to fix the constant, trying to anticipate his actions, his needs, so that I could feel safe.

The constant trying to help him and his sobriety, trying to manage his life, trying to manage his health. It was so draining and I was in that place of, of effort and trying and exhaustion for about two years before I actually attempted to leave the first time.

And when I did finally get to that rock bottom place where I was like, I can't, I can't do this. This is not how it's supposed to be. We separated, took some space, and he came back. And then I got sucked back in again.

He came back with the promises and what seemed like real self-awareness. He was using all the right psychological terms. He was taking what sounded like accountability for his behavior in the relationship. How hurt I was, how he saw me. It was that that flood of feeling. [00:07:00] Scene of feeling understood, which is all that I ever wanted from him.

So everything inside of me was like, he's changed, he's got his shit together, he's now wanting to go to therapy. We're gonna do this together. It's going to be better this time.

And. It was not better that time. There's only a couple of weeks of that euphoric time before things escalated very quickly, and to have to get to the decision point again, that rock bottom place again to say the words were over. Was actually up until that point in my life, the hardest thing I had ever done, getting myself to actually say the words was the hardest thing I had ever done up until that point. And then after I did finally say that there was tremendous post-separation abuse that occurred.

And then that was the worst thing that I moved through up until that point. And I can tell you that. Trying to come to that [00:08:00] place of saying, I'm done.

When, for years, my confidence and my self-worth and my sense of self were like chipping away. They were just flaking off of me. I was losing myself completely by the end of the relationship

when I had gotten to the second rock bottom, when I knew it had to be the final one, I didn't know who I was anymore. I had been so focused on him and the relationship and fixing it and fixing myself that I, I had lost sense of myself completely, and I had like negative amounts of self-confidence, negative amounts of self-worth or self-respect.

I talk about through the, the post separation abuse that happened, I had to go from like kindergarten to grad school in setting boundaries. I did not understand what boundaries were. I always felt guilty when I tried to set boundaries prior to that, and it was like a very steep learning curve [00:09:00] to have to set boundaries for my physical safety, my mental safety

to really have to put myself as the, the first priority. And that was just one layer of the identity rebuilding the self-worth, rebuilding the, the trauma healing that I had to do to heal from that type of relationship. So, so I tell you this story because I know.

Like I deeply, deeply understand when a woman comes to me and she is constantly doubting her decisions. I understand what it feels like to feel so far away from your intuition and your guidance that you feel lost, that you feel hopeless, that you feel like there's nothing in the world that could save you from feeling the way that you feel right now.

I know what it's like to feel like suffering is just part of a relationship and to not understand what you could actually expect in a healthy relationship.

I understand what it's like to try to love somebody into their potential or their self-growth or their [00:10:00] sobriety. I know what it's like to burn out completely from focusing my whole self and all of my energy and my life around him.

To ruminate and spiral and go down all of the podcasts and YouTube rabbit holes around. Why? Why is he acting this way? How can he be so cruel? Was this even real? Did he ever love me and I know what it's like to know that you need to leave and to be absolutely terrified that you are going to be alone forever and that nobody is going to want you.

So when I say that I am passionate about helping women detach from the narcissistic cycle of hell that they have been in, I'm saying that from the deepest place in my heart, the deepest place of empathy for you.

Because I also know how hard it is to actually reach out for help.

It's so tricky. Like I said, when your confidence and your self-worth and your self-respect and what you believe you deserve has [00:11:00] been in the negatives, it's really hard to take that step. To find it, to put yourself first. You are combating embarrassment and shame and guilt, and these, these emotions that you don't actually know how to be with most likely, like the rage and the grief and then the relief. It's like, how can I be feeling all of these things at one time? There are moments when you think, Ugh, I'm, I'm fine. I don't miss him. Good riddance. And then there are moments when you are absolutely on the floor and cannot catch your breath because you're crying so hard.

So to even get to the place. Again, that rock bottom place where you're like, I actually can't continue doing what I'm doing, I have to reach out for help. I have to get off of this rollercoaster to get to that point. Is tremendous. And then once you get to that point and you take the step to schedule the free call or reach out to [00:12:00] somebody, then there are four very predictable things that happen that I've observed in myself and over the many years of helping women through this work. I wanna let you in on these four things of what to expect because despite how they may make you feel, they're actually positive signs from within and the universe to keep going, that you are going in the right direction.

So let's go over those four predictable things right now. The first thing that will happen when you make the mind up to change is immediate self-doubt, like getting slapped in the face with self-doubt, thinking maybe it's not that bad.

Or maybe I'm overreacting, or I can probably just handle this on my own. When you feel that urge to dismiss what's been happening or go back to your isolation place, that's your nervous system pulling you back into a familiar place. That's what you have been used to. There's a saying that we will always choose a familiar [00:13:00] hell over an unfamiliar heaven, and that is because even though the familiar is hurting and is not serving you in your life, it's predictable and because it's predictable, the body feels like it is safe, so it will try to pull you back into the familiar place.

Your familiar place right now is downplaying. What has happened is focusing on protecting his image is feeling embarrassed that you are too emotional, quote unquote, and is second guessing every decision, right? That's what you've been practicing over and over, so that's where your body is gonna try to pull you back into that self doubt.

The second thing that will happen is that he will very likely come back around and or you will feel a surge of hope for the relationship to be different.

So it's almost without fail that when you decide that you're done, something shifts, you get a text, you get a compliment, you get an apology, you get an I miss you. There's some sort of crisis that you feel too [00:14:00] guilty to leave him during. And it can feel cosmic. It can feel like the universe is giving you a sign to stay. Maybe you're thinking he's different now, or he's sober, or he just lost his job. There's no way I can leave him now, or maybe he's different this time. He's saying all the things that I've always wanted to hear. You're hearing those things and part of you wants to stay or go back, the truth is that going back will relieve that discomfort temporarily. It will give you a dopamine hit and it will give you short-term relief. But you have done this enough times to know that the cycle always repeats.

And once it does, you're right back in survival mode stuck in that trauma bond. So when you reach out for help, and in the case with me, I offer an intro session. So when people book an intro session, that is the part of you that is making that decision. Who knows that you can't do the short term fixes anymore?

The third thing that will [00:15:00] happen is that you will feel a lot of fear. Fear is gonna get really loud in your brain. So thoughts like, what if I fail again, or I should be stronger than this? Or, what if this is the wrong decision? Fear comes in so hot and ready

because your confidence is at an all time low right now, and you have been doubting yourself for a very long time. So putting yourself first feels foreign to go back to the familiar, unfamiliar, very unfamiliar, very scary is what your body is saying. We don't know what to anticipate in this way of living, so that is scary.

Here is the fear to match that.

You might be finding yourself really second guessing the decision to get help. You might find yourself thinking, well maybe I'll just wait until I feel stronger to actually get the support. Or maybe you're back in that hope place thinking, well, maybe he changes and that will save me from actually [00:16:00] having to choose. But I wanna tell you that these urges, these thoughts are not your intuition. It's discomfort and fear avoidance.

And the fourth thing that is very likely to happen is that your schedule is going to somehow fill up. This one specifically is so interesting to me because.

The moment that you prioritize your healing, it's almost like the universe is giving you a test. It's like, are you actually thinking that you're important enough to put yourself first because a work conflict will appear or your kid will need something or a friend will have a crisis or, something more, more urgent pops up.

And this is exactly how self abandonment has survived in your life. Up to this point, you are highly capable. You take care of everyone. You are used to putting everybody's needs first and your needs on the back burner, so you can always justify postponing yourself. [00:17:00] There's always a good enough reason to talk yourself into it.

So I want you to just notice this pattern without judgment.

And when those things start popping up for you on the week or the day that in this case you've scheduled a free session, I want you to ask yourself, if this were truly as important as I say it is, would I reschedule

Sometimes you need to move things, life happens. Sometimes there's absolutely no way around whatever is happening, so I just ask you to really sit with it. Is this something that needs my attention immediately right now?

Is this something that I can postpone to put myself first in this way? If you do need to reschedule,

follow through, and reschedule immediately so that you can really protect that space so you can show the part of you like, I'm serious about this. I'm serious about putting you first and healing you.

I want you to start just putting your mindset around like healing is not optional maintenance [00:18:00] anymore. It is foundational for you, especially if you are coming off of this narcissistic, hellish rollercoaster. It is foundational to every way that you're gonna show up in your life from. Your kids, to your parents, to your friends, to the way you engage in work.

It will change everything.

Okay, so these four things, self-doubt Him coming back around, feeling that surge of hope. Feeling intense fear and your schedule filling up are the four predictable things that will happen. And these can be the convincing signs, quote unquote, that you shouldn't make the change, that you shouldn't move forward. You should just back away.

Your system is sensing a change. It's sensing a disruption in the predictable role that you've had in this relationship. Again, change is unpredictable. Unpredictability is scary.

But when you take that step over the threshold into a [00:19:00] healing space that can actually hold you, that is when you begin to find the end to your pain.

When I work with clients, their pain is tremendous, similar to my experience that I just shared. They don't understand the cruelty, the why, and the how They feel lost because they don't know who they are anymore.

They're grieving who he was, who he promised to be, who he'll never be, the life that they will never have. They're feeling that physical aloneness and their nervous systems are completely jacked up because they have been living in survival mode for years. So when I hold clients through their healing, there is a very intentional four part process that I use to help them find that deeper healing and that emotional freedom that they are craving.

Let me give you just a brief overview of what that looks like. So the first part is to tend, we're tending to the nervous system, so helping to calm from that constant stress and anxiety and [00:20:00] hypervigilance. So that you can feel what it is to come back into nervous system regulation. You can get into that practice of finding that calm, that safety in the body.

The second part is really understanding, so I know likely you have been deep diving about all of this information about narcissism and narcissists, but this part of the process is gonna help you understand your patterns, your specific reasons why things unfold for you, the way that they do in relationships,

and for you to see exactly what is in your control to change. The third part is processing. Really safely being able to feel and release these big, overwhelming emotions and trauma. So that you're no longer stuck in the rumination or the rage, or the anger, or the sadness, or the confusion. This is the part where you're also really witnessed and held in the truth of what happened to you. And the fourth part is shifting, rebuilding that self [00:21:00] trusts, rebuilding that confidence and really being able to lead from that, that powerful center, from that powerful self-love place with the appropriate tools to handle triggers that come up and

to set appropriate boundaries so that you can be operating from this place of the woman that you want to become in all relationships that you're in. I can say with so much certainty that we need all of these things to genuinely heal from really fucked up situations with narcissistic people to really actually step off of the rollercoaster and not be tempted to get back on it.

Your healing is not just about learning more about narcissism and narcissist to try to make sense of what happened to you. It's not about just trying harder to go no contact. It's so layered and nuanced and takes a safe space for you to be able to land so that you can really begin to unpack it all and trust yourself and trust [00:22:00] others again.

I wanna leave you with this because I want you to remember that if you are here and you have made it through this episode, it's not because you are being dramatic or crazy or because you hate him it is because you are exhausted.

You're exhausted from the survival mode, from the overthinking, from the having to be the strong one and doing all the work and still feeling so uncared for, and something inside you knows that you can't do it anymore.

And that voice, that voice is the part of you that has been lost. She is like peeking her head back up like, Hey girl, do you hear me? Because I need you. I need you to come down into this well and help me out of here. Because we have gotten so deep into this shit but she knows that you're capable. She knows what feels true. She knows what feels steady, and that is more than enough. Trusting that voice is what you need.

So then the question [00:23:00] really is, can you take the next right step to honor the part of you who needs it? And if that answer is yes, and through listening to this podcast you have felt some safety and some some sense of being seen from me, I invite you to go to the show notes and click through and schedule that intro session.

We'll have a grounded, compassionate conversation to explore where you are and if we are aligned with the type of space that I hold.

And remember, if you do go and schedule that intro session, be aware of these four things that we talked about in this episode. The self-doubt, him coming back around, the fear and your schedule suddenly filling up.

You can move through the rock bottom. You can move through those four things. I know because I did. And it would be my honor to guide you. Okay. Lastly, let's pull an Oracle card and see what the message is. [00:24:00] The message that came through is the judge, so let me find the judge in the book and I will read to you what it says.

The judge sits in a tall chair overseeing a situation, argument, decision, or conflict. It's a position and a perspective of reverence and responsibility. Looking through the eyes of the judge, you find yourself in a position of authority, one that requires patience, discernment, and compassion. The judge does an indiscriminately pass judgment without all the facts, context, data, empathy, and love.

It's a perspective of wholeness. See the whole picture and make the best decision you can at this time. If you need more information, get it. If you need to take time, take it. If you find yourself at a crossroads of a big decision, the judge is here to remind you that a decision made with a little bit of distance and time is better than one made from reactivity or fear

I'm so seeing you and everything that you are feeling and navigating and [00:25:00] moving through, and I really, really hope that I get to meet you. That link for the free intro session is in the show notes. And until I see you then or in the next episode, please, please, please remember that you are not alone.