Have you ever asked yourself, am I actually ready to date again or am I just tired of being alone?

Because those are two very different things and confusing them can keep you stuck in the same dating patterns over and over again.

Today's episode is for you.

If you have been through a divorce or a breakup and you're standing at that edge wondering, do I put myself back out there or do I still have work to do?

And you know what?

I didn't want to have this conversation alone.

I brought on my friend Amy Watts, who is not only someone I've had countless real unfiltered conversations with about dating, but she's also a transformation coach, speaker and somatic practitioner who helps people understand their patterns, regulate their nervous systems, and actually change the way they show up in relationships.

And me?

Well, if you're new here, I. I'm Andrea.

I'm your host.

I was married for over 20 years.

I've been divorced for nearly a decade and I've lived every version of dating after that.

The too soon, the not ready, the why am I attracting the same person again version, and now finally, the intentional version.

So today we're not just talking theory, we're talking real life, real mistakes, and how to actually know if you're ready this time.

Alright, guys, let's get into it.

Hey guys.

Welcome to from Mrs. To Ms. Where we don't just talk love, we reinvent it.

I'm Andrea.

I'm your host and your guide to living unapologetically, loving deeply and owning your power.

If you're ready to feel, flirt and maybe even fall in love with yourself again.

Well, let's go.

Hello.

Hello everyone and welcome Back to From Mrs. To Miss.

I'm your host, Andrea.

So today I have brought on a really great friend of mine and we're going to just chat a little bit about dating after divorce and how do you know when you're actually ready to do that?

So I want to start out by welcoming Amy Watts to the show with me.

Hi, Amy.

Hey.

And let's remember, this is a welcome back, Right?

This is a welcome back.

She's been here many times in season one with me.

If you guys haven't listened, you need to go back and listen.

She's so insightful and got so much great information and we've had so much fun on our, our previous conversations and episodes that we've done because we are both kind of in the same field here.

Amy is a transformation coach, a speaker and consultant and she loves to speak on life and just finding yourself and all of these amazing things you can do for your mind, body and soul, which I absolutely love.

And so we often join together just to kind of shoot the shit about dating and stuff.

Right.

I love the look on your face when you said that.

Dating.

Because we all feel that sometimes.

And so you and I have had many conversations about dating.

And just a little recap, actually.

Amy and I met on a dating site, although we didn't approach it in a way of dating.

Right.

We approached it as friends.

It was actually Facebook's, but, you know, I don't mind their site.

I actually met my current boyfriend on there.

So that's a great site.

I think.

I know.

And if you notice, I'm talking about them a little bit, so.

So that's kind of fun.

So, yeah, her and I met previously and when she was living here in California and we became best friends and.

And we were going through a lot of same things.

Very, very similar cohesive lives we were leading.

And so her and I just hit it off.

And we've had so many great conversations about everything to do with dating.

Right.

Yeah.

We even had a few days together on a cruise to really go deep.

Into some of these kids.

And so I think we've got some great stuff to share with your listeners today.

I think so, too.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So really, I want to talk about if you've ever asked yourself, am I ready to date again or.

Or am I just tired of being alone?

And if you've asked those questions, whether it's because you're divorced or you've come out of some sort of relationship or, you know, you are just really questioning, am I ready to kind of get back out there?

Then this episode is definitely for you.

So her and I have both been through this in real life.

I was married for 20 years, divorced about, gosh, going on nine years.

How long were you married and divorced for?

Let's remind.

Yep.

Yeah, I was married around 22 years and left that marriage in July of 2020.

So we're coming up on six years here.

Six years.

It's been a fun six years.

Yes.

Are you missing him?

Negative ghostwriter.

She is not great human.

That story was over.

We have moved on.

And I love that.

Lots of.

Lots of, you know, high, high points and low points in between that we can touch on.

Absolutely.

I think that's the key here, is there.

There are so many things.

And when I think back, you know, because it didn't work out as a marriage, as that type of relationship, I mean, I'm still Great friends with him.

And I. I love that.

Because you loved that person at one point, right?

You spend most of your life with them.

Like, for you and I both, very high numbers there on the marriage scales.

And we both know what it is like coming out after and trying to find yourself again, but also be brave enough to put yourself back out there to meet somebody else and to know when that is the right time.

Right?

That's tricky.

It's tricky.

Yes.

Yeah.

An important point there to.

To find yourself in that process and have that buffer period.

Allow that buffer period.

But intentionally, like, wait a minute, what am I taking this time for?

And we can kind of hit on some of those timelines.

What.

What did that look like for you?

So after your 20 plus years, your marriage, did you jump right into dating immediately?

Yeah.

Heck yeah.

So we're gonna real quickly get into episode titled Dick slapped in season one of.

You guys got to go way back.

We're in season eight now, people.

So we've been through a lot, but yes.

And there was a lot going on for me during that time.

And thinking back now, do I wish that I had really just slowed that down?

Yes, I do.

I wish I'd taken more time to just really work on myself, figure out who I was as a person, what I was looking for, you know, and just date more intentionally.

I read a lot of books.

I did the whole case Kenny stuff with single is your superpower.

You know, I did a lot of journaling.

I did worksheets.

I was listening to every single person that had anything to say about dating.

And then one day I'm like, whoop, I'm ready.

And I was so, so not ready because this was really in a matter of, like, weeks.

It wasn't.

It wasn't any kind of time frame, and it was really dating for the wrong reasons.

It was to get myself out of the loneliness.

It was to get myself, you know, just meeting somebody, even though I wasn't fully ready to do that.

So I think there's real questions that we need to be asking ourselves before we just jump back in.

And my first question is why we think that we're ready.

Like, what is it that makes us think that?

Right?

What makes us want to start dating again?

Do we think that people just confuse loneliness with readiness a lot of the time?

And what does loneliness actually feel like after divorce?

So how did you get through all of this stuff?

How are you coming out of your divorce?

Were you, like, give us a little background.

Were you over him?

And like, I am done with him and ready to move on or was there lingering stuff there?

Yeah, no, I think I.

There was like a. I think the appropriate term is conscious uncoupling.

Yes.

Thank you.

For almost two years.

For almost two years within my marriage.

But that was me doing that.

And my ex husband, I think, just did not believe me.

So it was kind of this like, hey, here's what I'm experiencing.

Here's the direction I want to go.

Here's what I'd like to see in our marriage.

This is what I'm willing to do.

What are you willing to do, sir?

And what would you like?

There just was never a matchup.

We literally had like every six months, these intentional meetings to discuss these things.

And I just think he didn't take me seriously.

So on July 1st of 2020, when I walked out the door with my five children in foster care and my two dogs, and it was the middle of the pandemic.

Right.

I was a full time nurse at the time, so I was working 60 to 70 hours a week.

And I was like, no, dude, I'm.

I'm serious.

So to your.

To answer your question, no, it was not hard for me.

But I just gave you the circumstances that I was experiencing at that time.

Right, right, right.

So all five of the kids with me, plus I had my daughter in college, but she was away at the time.

So the five children that were with me were all through foster care.

So I went through a process for about a year, you know, getting them either back home or in different placements or they aged out.

Different things happened.

So as my home became empty, then I just decided, okay, I want to do this just for fun.

I want to explore this dating world.

Right.

I got married at 23.

Girl.

Yes.

Well, we met when I was 22.

Yeah.

So I didn't have a lot of that.

Yeah.

And I had a super fun time right before marriage.

I mean, I lived in Manila, I lived in Chicago.

I just.

I traveled a ton.

It was.

It was fun and exciting.

And so here I am at 40.

I don't even know what I was.

44, 45, Something like that.

And I thought, oh, this is going to be a blast.

That's what I thought.

And I really thought that I was ready because there was no grief left over the marriage.

It wasn't like that at all.

It was more just like, okay, now I have to move forward and create life.

So I started off on the apps, and I knew that I. I was in the Chicago area at the time, and I knew that I wasn't going to stay there.

So I was dating.

I went to Atlanta.

I went to.

Well, I was in the Chicago area.

Dated there, just kind of all over.

And I loved it.

It was fun, and it was interesting because maybe it's like, energy attracts, like, energy.

Right.

Because I never really came across someone that was looking for something serious.

So that part was very easy for me.

Right.

Yeah.

Just fun.

And then I realized, actually, my sweet adult daughter pointed out to me, mom, have you ever heard the term centering men?

Centering men.

You said you are literally centering men.

Like you're creating your schedule around dating, whether you're on the app or you're hopping.

Whenever they say, hey, you know, do you want to have dinner tonight?

I was literally just being so available.

Yeah.

And then I stopped.

And really.

So I really took that in and I thought, what does that mean?

And I realized, wait a minute.

I have completely lost myself in this.

I didn't even know which direction I'm going.

Right.

Which.

It makes sense.

Two and almost two and a half decades of being in a marriage, it made sense.

So I chilled out and I did some of the things that you're talking about.

Right.

And I just went inward and did that exploration.

And then on a.

On a whim, I actually was supposed to go to Portugal to meet my daughter one week, and I ended up selling my house and thought, listen, I shouldn't leave the country right now.

So I was like, you know, I just want to go somewhere for the weekend.

Yeah.

Starlet North Carolina sounded like a fabulous, fabulous place to check out.

Right.

So again, to the apps.

You can set your profile on dating mode.

Right.

So I did that.

And I did that a few days before I left.

This was a semi spontaneous trip.

I booked it just a few days before I went.

By yourself?

So you were going by yourself?

Yes.

Yep.

Just getting to hang out in Charlotte for the weekend.

It's.

It's.

It is a great city.

It's fun.

Um, and so I changed my location to travel, or changed to travel Mode, and immediately connected with a gentleman.

And I was like, hey, I'm gonna be in Charlotte for the weekend.

Let's.

Let's make plans.

So we did.

He actually owns a luxury transportation company, so he arranged.

He picked me up from the airport.

Nice.

And I thought, oh, this is fun.

But he had.

He also owns multiple party bands, so he had a gig, an event that night.

So we just had a couple hours during the afternoon to hang out.

So we had coffee and the best, Andrea, the best Conversation.

I mean, he's asking me about my relationship with my mom.

It was just easy, right?

Yes.

So he had to go do his thing.

I hung out, actually.

True story.

And he knows this.

I had another date scheduled.

You the same night you were.

The same night.

Yeah.

I knew he was only available for coffee.

Yeah.

And I was like, look, right, I want to see the city.

So.

So I went on this second date, and girl, within 20 minutes, I'm looking at my watch like, when is this over?

So wrapped that up quickly.

Super kind gentleman, just not the vibe.

Wrapped that up quickly, went back to the hotel, called this first gentleman was like, hey, I'm here for the weekend.

If you're available again, let me know.

We ended up spending most of the weekend together.

And we are almost four years in now, and it has been off and on.

And here's to, here's this.

This brings us back to this conversation.

Right.

It has been off and on and is so much so in the beginning, because I wasn't ready.

I wasn't ready, but I didn't recognize it.

So let's, you know, let's help your listeners understand some reasons, like how do we know we're not ready?

And proactively.

I actually did a workshop on dating after divorce just a couple of months ago.

Perfect.

So it was to do all of your, all of you girlfriends listening to do all of us a favor.

It was to look at ahead of time, asking yourself the question, am I ready?

Versus getting into it?

And then realizing, three, six, nine months later, I am not ready for that.

Not ready.

Yeah.

And do you think, thank you for sharing that story, which gave so many things to, like, ask questions about in there, because that was very exciting.

But do you think that that is the thing that we're just like, jumping back in?

Because a lot of it is maybe loneliness or we're thinking, if I just meet that next person, I'll get over that previous person.

I think there's so many things going through our minds.

Right.

For sure.

And then, you know, let's consider too, what was the relationship that you just came out of?

Like.

Right.

Was it a healthy relationship where you're feeling whole and confident and mentally and emotionally grounded?

Or.

Or was it chaotic?

What was the end of that relationship?

How was that process?

Did you lose yourself in it?

Right.

So kind of where are you at this point?

Yeah.

Where did that previous relationship leave you?

And do you need to have a period of recalibration here before we jump back in?

Or are you good?

It was, you Know again, the conscious uncoupling, and we kind of were both well grounded and know exactly what we want moving forward.

So those are some.

Those are a couple of perspectives to look at.

Yeah.

And then to your point.

Yeah.

So am I lonely?

Do I.

Do I want proof that I'm still lovable and desirable?

Oh, yeah.

Am I scared I'll end up alone?

Yes.

I think that's a big fear.

I think that's a big fear for a lot of people, Amy, is like, we immediately think, oh, my gosh, this is it for me.

I'm going to be alone the rest of my life.

When you have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring.

Right.

All of a sudden, you meet somebody else.

You go away for the weekend to Charlotte and you meet somebody who you've now been with going on four years.

You just never know what is around the corner for that.

Do you think when you did that, going back to this little weekend you had, do you think that your second date was different or not what you expected?

Because the first one went so well.

Had those been reversed, do you think things would be different?

I'm just curious, like a curious as my friend.

Super great question.

I would say no, just because the other guy, super fun, attractive, all the things, but just not my type at all.

Not your type.

So, like, I could.

I, like, I think I instantly friend zoned him.

Right.

So.

But that's a great question because I.

Now I can see, though, had he been, quote, my type.

Yeah.

Why?

I think it would have played into, like.

But this dude that I just had.

Coffee with, like, I want to go back and explore that.

So, yes, I think that.

Let's call him gentleman number one.

Yes, he is now my number one.

So that's fair.

Let's just say that.

Yes.

No, he.

He grabbed me and grabbed my curiosity, and I was very interested immediately.

So, yeah, I don't think that anything was going to distract me from that at that point.

Okay.

I love that.

That's a very, very, very solid answer.

I love that.

So when do you think that you might not be ready, even though you think you are?

Because that's a lot.

That's a lot of times what happens, Right.

People, you know, kind of feel like, yeah, I think I'm ready to go.

I've had it.

I've read this book once.

I've journaled for a week.

I've done, you know, everything that I'm saying I did.

And for me, it was kind of like, yeah, I just wanted to get myself back out there.

You almost.

It's like not being a virgin anymore.

You want to get the first time out of the way, right?

Like, let me just get that out of the way.

I'm just going to go on a date.

I'm going to get over, get it over with, and then I can move forward and hopefully not feel so nervous or anxious or whatever it is that I'm feeling.

And so a lot of people, I think, jump in just to kind of like go, okay, did that.

Now what?

You know, so yeah, that's a great point.

And, and that can be valuable, right?

Yeah, that actually can be valuable.

But I think to go into it intentionally and knowing, like, I love to use the phrase get what you came for.

So be clear on what you're going into it for and make sure that you get that.

So if you are trying to get over that initial fear nervousness, keep it short and simple.

Don't make it a, you know, three hour dinner.

You've talked about this, right?

So keep it something that you are comfortable with.

But.

But yeah, I think that's okay to do that.

And then, you know, other reasons that you would know that you're not ready.

How do you feel in the moment?

Do you feel yourself closing down?

Right.

So I'm also a somatic practitioner, so I'm going to tune you into your body.

What's happening in your body?

Do you feel yourself shutting down?

Do you feel yourself getting defensive?

I just spoke with a client, a couple, actually, it was a consult a couple of days ago.

And she was like, you know, I'm not getting any second dates.

And so we talked a little bit about, okay, well, tell me what the first dates look like.

Walk me through that.

Well, what we discovered was she was literally holding an interrogation on every first date because it was a protective mode for her.

She wanted to dig deep, find something wrong with this person so she could immediately shut them down and protect herself from getting interested and then being hurt.

So when we brought her to that realization, then we could kind of work through that.

And that has completely changed things for her.

So much so that she actually went back to someone that she had recently done that with that she's like, actually, he seems like a pretty great guy.

What if I gave him another chance?

So we did some nervous system work with her too, to kind of release some of that so that she could go in clean and open and still protected to a point, but not to where she's never getting a second date.

Great.

That's such a great discovery that you found in that, and that's really a testament what you do for your work is, is really digging deep and finding out what is it that's stopping you from getting those next dates.

And a lot of times we find we are our own worst enemy.

Right.

Like we are self sabotaging things because for this very reason we are not fully ready.

But our minds are tricking us into thinking we are, even though our bodies are maybe saying no.

And so we're just kind of putting ourselves out there.

But then we're doing these things to make sure that we don't actually engage in these dates and that they work out because our fear is it not working out again?

It's, it's a really vicious cycle when you think about the things that we're doing in order to make this happen, but we don't really want them to happen.

Kind of crazy.

It can be a vicious cycle.

But that's where the magic is, is that you, you can break that cycle.

Right.

So it's, it's noticing those patterns.

And sometimes you do have to.

I say, you know, we can learn all the things where they started, what are they rooted in, what does it look like, how do these patterns play out?

But in order to, and to do the work, right, the nervous system work and the understanding and rewiring and creating new beliefs and new patterns.

But it really is rewired experientially.

So sometimes it is going on these dates.

Now again, knowing that you are, you feel emotionally safe, but being aware of, I just want to go out here and see if I can not be reactive or not shut down or not, you know, overly share.

Right.

We've all had those dates too where like, oh my gosh, my daughter was telling me about a date that she went on before she met her recent partner.

And this gentleman, he cried like three times.

It was a first date, it was like a 45 minute date and he cried three times.

We don't really need to let it all out either.

Some boundaries is good.

That is such a great example of somebody who was not ready to date on his end.

If we probably really tore that apart and looked into all everything that he's going through or when his last relationship was or why, we'd really probably discover he was not ready doing exactly what we're saying not to do right now.

Yeah.

Yes.

You know, if we break it down as simply, I here's, here's to me, the ideal situation of knowing that you're ready, you are so comfortable in your own skin, you know, that rejection is going to be a part of it.

And you've.

You're going to have your own back no matter what.

You know that you're going to navigate that transition.

You're well resourced with friends and family and support people and hobbies and a career that you.

Right.

So you're not looking for this person to come save you and make you feel whole again and loved again, but you have a beautiful life that you have created from a grounded nervous system and from a place of knowing who you are.

And then you're like, calling in this beautiful compliment to add to your life.

And that may happen on some random trip to North Carolina or also may take three years of, you know, dating every weekend.

Yes.

You kind of have to commit to the process.

I think you do.

And also understanding that not everybody is the same.

Just because your girlfriend, right, might have gone out and met somebody immediately on this weekend doesn't mean that that's going to happen for you or that it should happen for you.

We're all on our own timeline, so we need to really respect that and just enjoy the process of it.

I think we're in such a hurry to do everything right.

We miss the good stuff, which is really.

There's so much data to collect in the process.

Right.

Like data.

How did I feel?

How did respond?

Did I show up the way I want to?

What?

Oh, I noticed what I actually don't want in a partner or what I do want.

Not to create the list, but just things that, you know, do or don't feel right.

So, yeah, yeah, your.

Your point is perfect, that it's a process.

And just like everything else in life, right.

Like we're all on our own journey and timeline and to.

I think that pretty much everything we do in life, the underlying purpose and intention for me personally is to discover who I am and what's possible for me in the process.

I love that.

I love that.

So, you know, how do we know?

Okay, we're talking about, like, these signs that we are ready.

So what actual shifts do you think, like, really happen for us to know we're ready?

You kind of were saying, like, your body feels right about it.

Right.

Like you're not getting these weird sensors that are popping off going, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You know, what else do you think you can do?

And how do you know that you're not dating just from a place of pain at times?

What do you think?

That's a great question, too.

I think, again, noticing how you.

How do you feel on the daily.

Right like, are you constantly anxious?

Are you depressed?

Do you feel lonely?

Those are signs that we can meet those needs in other ways.

I think.

I personally again think that it's important before dating to build your tribe of people, whether that's male, female friends, whatever, but friendships, right.

Non.

Not intimate relationships.

Because you can also practice a lot of this discovery in those relationships, which then helps you be a little stronger and more clear in the dating.

Because, girlfriend, when, you know, all those neurochemicals start coming into play, it becomes very challenging to discern what's real and what is a.

A chemical experience.

Yeah, no, that's.

That's a huge, huge point.

And yeah, I think it's really important to look at all of those things that you were just saying and really work within your tribe or your group.

I love that.

I love that idea.

And I think that, you know, we need to prepare ourselves a little bit for dating.

I'm trying to think back when I was like, when I was getting ready to go out on some dates.

You know, a lot of it came from a place of anxiousness.

I know it definitely came from a place of loneliness in the, in the beginning.

And I was dating perpetually.

I was like going out with anybody who asked whether I was attracted to them or not.

It was a. Yeah, why not?

Because it was.

It was the fear of me sitting home alone, not wanting to be by myself, not wanting to truly look at myself and really put in the work.

And it was just easier to just be like, heck yeah, I'll go out, I'll go out here, I'll go out here.

I'll go out here and do all of these things when I wasn't really prepared or ready for it.

And so then I was finding that I'm coming home from these dates and I'm still feeling that same emptiness or loneliness because you need to find all of these amazing things in yourself first.

Right.

Like they say, whatever you are feeling is what you're going to attract out there.

If I'm feeling lonely and I'm anxious and I'm like maybe even a bit of an avoidant, you know, what I'm going to attract is pretty much the same because you want to be in this great place to attract somebody really great, and that's hard thing to come to.

Right.

You know, I think one of the most challenging goals is being stepping into something but being willing to be unattached to the outcome.

Right.

So I'm willing to risk this and have this experience and put myself out there.

And if it doesn't work.

I'm okay with that.

Right.

So being unattached.

But you made a great point, too.

So even you and I, when we met, what was it?

Last summer.

Early last summer, I think.

Yeah.

We had each other.

That we would bounce, you know, as soon as.

Like, as soon as the day was over, I was like, okay, this, this, this, and this.

And it was so helpful.

This speaks to building your tribe first, right?

Yes.

Or at least in process and, you know, conjunctively.

But we had each other to point out, like, okay, wait a minute.

So you've checked your phone 36 times, Amy, since you got home, and you.

Have a text that you got, and.

You're anxious about that.

That could be a sign that maybe we're not quite ready.

Yes.

And from so many angles there.

Right.

Like, we're just.

It's about the data.

And you hit the nail on the head with that earlier when you said about, we're collecting the data here, and it's stuff we really need to stop and look at.

And I think that even dating on these dating apps, as tricky, as frustrating, as debilitating as they can be at times, it is an opportunity to collect all this data.

You know, you can start to see how people are reacting to certain things.

So you're figuring out, like, what it is that you want when people are responding to you within.

Within the dating site and your conversations.

Right.

Like, I'm really big on.

If the guy right off the bat is like, hey, sexy, you know, we should hit the beach.

Or like, I'm like, no, thanks.

Right.

Because gross, first of all.

But I. I just learned really quick.

Ooh, I don't like those.

I'm gonna say Terms of Endearment.

I really don't think they are.

I think they're just a little bit cheesy.

But I don't love that right off the bat, you know?

Like, you don't know me at all.

You know, you don't even know that my pictures are these days, like, legit.

Right.

Or really who I am.

And so he's already talking to me like I'm an object.

I feel objectified already.

So, Andrea, it's not okay for him to call you babe in the first text.

I don't mind.

Sarcastic.

Okay.

For a second, I'm like, wait, wait, maybe she likes.

That's a red flag, listeners.

Yeah, I love.

I love a babe.

Baby, sexy, beautiful, lovely.

All of those things when I know who it is that's sending it to me or saying those things to me or We've had something that allows for that information, you know, or those names when you know nothing about me and you're going to come in, just starting out with stuff that I'm like, oh, if it gives me the ick right off the bat, I'm out on a good ick.

I. I don't like an egg.

It's funny, actually, in.

In my own personal life right now because I do have a boyfriend, which is.

I'm into myself.

This is very exciting for you.

Yes.

And I haven't really talked about him too much because, number one, I do like to respect his privacy.

But number two, I feel like, in all honesty, I've been through so many ups and downs over these last eight or nine years, you know, I feel like I want to hold out till I know it's really something solid because I don't want to come on here and be spewing things.

And then I'm like, okay, well, that one didn't work again either.

So I feel very good about this one.

Let's say that it's coming up on six months, which is amazing.

And one of the funny things that just made me think about this is the whole ick thing.

Right.

So I don't know if you have seen that show.

Nobody wants this.

Have you watched.

That's so good, right?

Such a great show.

So in the first season, one of one of the episodes, he was meeting her parents and he went and, like, changed his outfit.

He had on, like, a sports coat.

And then she came in, the mother came in and she said something about like, oh, he looks so Italian.

And then the main character, Adam Brody, was like.

He was like, prego, pray, prego, pray.

And it was such a icky way he did it.

And right off the bat, you could see her face was like.

And she got the ick in that episode.

So I've taken that and my boyfriend.

I've watched that many times.

And we've taken it into our own lives.

And we kind of have these moments where one of us does, like, an ick thing and we just don't say anything and we just go, pray, go.

Which indicates so good.

That was an ick.

And we start laughing.

But what it does with that.

And I am really going off on a tangent here, but it takes away, oddly, it takes away the ickiness of it because it just brings it to light so fast, right?

And we kind of laugh about it, but it also gives us a little bit of data.

And we're like, okay, like, he found that really Icky when I did that.

Not that I'm not going to do it again, but, like, you're learning somebody, right?

So you're learning from these things.

So instead of taking this ick that you can never recover from, we think kind of turned it into something that is fun for us and light and makes us laugh.

And then we.

We just have such a great laugh about it, and for some reason, the ick disappears.

It's.

It's wild how that has happened.

Maybe I just don't find anything icky about them.

There's that, too.

That is a gold star to both of you on the communication there, because when you can incorporate fun and light and playful with what could be a very challenging.

Yeah, like, that's brilliant.

That speaks to your relationship.

Thank you.

And I love that you say that because we have actually been really very, you know, we've been very intentional about our dating with each other and.

And things that we really enjoy in communication is one of them.

And we've been making really, a lot of efforts to ask questions.

I really went off on a tangent there, but I'm just trying to bring to light a little bit of, like, what.

Waiting for the right people person.

Taking your time, really analyzing that data, understanding each other, and finding somebody that gets you.

Like, you said it from your first time with your.

Your man now, like, he just got you.

He asked the right questions.

He made you feel safe.

He asked things that made you understand he was actually interested in you and not just a, hey, sexy, you want to go to the beach with me so I can see you in a bikini?

Now, had he asked me that, the answer would have been yes, but he did not.

He did not.

She's like, I would have because I wanted to see him.

Boyfriend's got a body, let me tell you.

But you know what, Andrea, you make a great point.

You know, back to our question of kind of the overall theme here is how do you know when you're ready, when you can communicate like that and feel open and safe and vulnerable and unthreatened?

That's is a beautiful foundation.

Yes.

You know, I actually, I'm pulling up in my brain here a few of the questions, examples that I had in my dating after divorce workshop of understanding your why for deciding to get into dating.

And so there was kind of.

I had a messy why and a clean why.

So, like, an example of a messy why would be like, I want someone to make me feel better.

I want to feel less alone.

Oh, huge.

Maybe that could be a messy why.

Right versus like a clean, cleaner, you know, antithesis to that would be like, I want partnership, but I'm willing to build it slowly.

I love that you can see a difference there.

Right.

Another example, we said this earlier, right?

I want proof and I that I'm still lovable and desirable or I want to share my life, not escape it.

Right.

I love that.

Amy, that is so good.

Because a lot of times we are just looking for that escape from our own reality and we think if we find somebody else that can take away that pain, that could mask a lot of things that we're going through, then that's our person.

Yeah.

One more example.

I want distraction from our emptiness.

Could be a messy why.

Versus I love this one.

I love this one.

I want values aligned connection, not just chemistry.

We talked about the chemistry, right?

The love bond that creates the chemistry.

But values aligned connection is more like a slow drip.

It's much less exciting but much more sustainable and overall fulfilling, right?

Yeah, absolutely.

Because we've said that many times before that chemistry and compatibility are not the same things.

Right.

There's such a big difference there.

And we can think, yes, we have chemistry and that means everything else should be aligned and that the butterflies mean something.

And sometimes we mistake those butterflies for good.

When it's really our nervous system going, wait a second, this is not right.

And our nervous system attracts to something that is familiar to us.

So if we're already experiencing all of these, this anxiety, and we've been on, you know, dates with people that cause us anxiety, we tend to go back to that familiarity again because it's easier.

So if you really slow down and do a lot of the things, it's not a checklist, it's just like you said, answering your why.

Really digging deep and finding out what type of person will make me happy this time around, you know, why am.

I after I know how to make.

Myself happy after you know how to make yourself happy, because you want to be that incredible, amazing person for them too.

So you got to think about that somebody out there that is absolutely amazing is looking for amazing too.

So become that amazing before you even put yourself out there.

And what can you have?

What could you find?

Yes.

So I think, yes.

So that's so good.

I love that state.

Become that amazing.

Yeah.

So to your points, if we went all the way back, so understanding what you're coming out of the previous relationship with and then giving yourself that recalibration period, I call it like attunement.

We want to make decisions from a grounded Nervous system anytime possible.

Right.

We can't do that in emergencies.

But there are no emergencies in dating.

Oh, I probably am going to someday.

Wish I never said that.

But off the top of my head, no emergencies in dating.

So.

Yeah.

So knowing what you came out of that relationship with and then getting attuned to yourself, building the life that you really want and then coming in, you know, seeking the partnership, but understanding too the patterns.

Okay, so I know these patterns have gotten in the way before, these patterns with, you know, my reactions, things like that.

So let me get clear on those.

Whether that's with a therapist or a coach or your best friend who's going to point your shit out to you.

Right?

Yes, yes.

Do that work.

Yes.

Read the books.

Yes.

Listen to the podcast.

But also like kind of call your tribe in front of you and be like, okay, I'm gonna sit in the hot seat for a minute.

Give me some feedback on things.

With love.

With love.

Right.

But give me some feedback on some things that you've seen me do or that you're seeing happen right now that might be beneficial for me to really examine.

Yeah, yeah, I love that.

I love that.

Those are all great things.

And really ask yourself some different things, you know, like what are your non negotiables in a relationship?

You need to know that before you even go out on that date.

Like, what are you willing to tolerate and what are you not willing to tolerate?

Are you ready to ask better questions earlier on?

That's another thing we tend to just, we don't want to ruffle feathers.

Right.

Sometimes we don't want to know as much.

So we let things slide.

And also really paying attention to those red flags because as they grow bigger over the trajectory of the relationship, those are just going to become bigger and bigger.

And the, the more you come out of that honeymoon phase, the more evident those become.

Right.

The more triggered, the more easily triggered you are by them.

You made a great point too, knowing your non negotiables.

So that kind of comes back to know your why.

Why are you going into this?

And then you said to ask the better questions.

Well, you're going to know what the best, highest level questions are.

When you have a clear idea of what your why is.

What are you looking for here?

What's your intention?

That's going to help you line up the best questions.

That's amazing.

You're so right.

I love that.

So you got some work to do.

That's just the big revelation really is just acknowledging, hey, you know what?

I've Got some work to do and that's okay.

And with where we both are now, you're in this fun, new ish relationship.

And I'm almost four years into a relationship that's been through a lot.

Like a lifetime, right?

Yes.

This doesn't end when you quote, find the partner, but it's this constant, like, because we're always evolving.

So staying attuned to self, keeping your.

This, you've given a beautiful example of excellent communication here.

Right.

And keeping the fun in it.

So, yeah, I love it.

And when it feels right and it all aligns like that, it's.

It's amazing.

It really is.

And you, you go, what was I doing before this?

Like, what was I tolerating all of that nonsense for?

You know, I love it.

That leads me to the last thing that I would love to say is, listen, we are all going to have those cringe dating stories, okay?

And even if they're not stories that were to tell anyone else, we're still gonna turn into shame internally.

So let yourself give full forgiveness, grace and compassion.

This is a journey that is probably new.

Dating is its own universe.

Right.

So just grace and compassion.

Grace and compassion take the next step forward.

Yeah, I love it.

I love it.

Well, if you guys are listening out there, if you're questioning whether you're ready or not, then maybe that's great place for you to be.

So listen to all of these things that we are offering, these tools of things to ask yourself and just be a little bit more self aware of what you're actually looking for.

You don't have to rush back into dating, but when you do, you know, don't abandon yourself in the process.

Be who you are.

Love yourself.

Be the best version of yourself.

So DM me the word ready.

If this episode hit you, you can find me on Instagram and TikTok at from dot misses dot the number two.

Miss Amy.

Where can they find you?

You have such great advice all the time and I love that.

Where can I.

Thank you.

Appreciate that.

I am on Instagram at Sociedid Life coaching and on Facebook at Amy Watts.

Oh, I love it.

You have some amazing retreats and stuff coming up.

You have workshops all the time which are awesome.

We will put a few of those in the show notes so you guys can join.

And she is awesome, you guys.

And she's my France.

So you guys only get her for a little bit of time.

Get her the rest.

I think my favorite thing about us is that we met on Facebook.

Dating.

I mean, come on, who can say that.

I know.

And then you've moved away, and we've been able to, like, sustain this relationship.

We just do zooms just to catch up with each other, which I love.

I love.

So you guys gotta find your own friend, though.

Don't steal mine.

Right.

Make your own Facebook dating profile.

That's right.

Go do it.

What's wrong with that?

Start out there.

Absolutely.

Give you some means.

So great way to think about it.

All right, you guys.

Well, thanks again for listening this week.

We will catch up with you again next week.

Have a good one.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.