E057 - Do I Stay or Leave? Why The New Year Is The Perfect Time To Unlock Your Intuition

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Would you believe me if I told you that you can actively help yourself make the decision on if you want to stay or go in your relationship.

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Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.

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Welcome back to this episode and Merry Christmas to all of my Christmas celebrators The decision to stay or leave when things start to not feel quite right in a relationship is tormenting We are going to cover how you can use the darkest time of the year that we're in right now. To find moments of stillness, even when you're living in complete chaos. Y the being energy. As opposed to the doing energy [00:01:00] will help you elicit your higher self and Breng your rational brain online, which helps to make decisions. And how you can create really specific intentions for the new year that will continue to reveal guidance and clarity. while today maybe feel Merry and Breght to some people, whether you celebrate Christmas or not. I also know how it feels to be immersed in holiday celebrations and be totally tearing yourself up inside. To be unwrapping gifts from your partner and at the same time, second guessing if you will even be together next Christmas. Especially when you're externally, still putting on that.

I'm fine face. I want it to make this episode to give you a map that you can use to navigate the conflicting feelings, to navigate making that decision. And remember to stick around to the end of the episode, where I will pull an Oracle card, and this will give you a message [00:02:00] that you can hold onto dearly and tightly this week, as you move forward through the holidays in your healing.

So let's start by talking about the energies that are around us, within us at this time of year and how we can use those energies to really find guidance and clarity.

We just had the winter solstice a couple of days ago. And the winter solstice marks the darkest day of the year. The longest night of the year, it is the moment right before the sun starts to rebuild its strength to start to come back into our space. This is really symbolized by pause by introspection. By being, instead of doing.

It really helps me to think about animals who hibernate to sort of wrap my head around the energies of the winter solstice

So, If you think about an animal who hibernates, they are snuggled all cozy into [00:03:00] their den or their cave. They are resting. They are waiting. They are trusting that this time of year is not one where they have to be out in scavenging and gathering things and making decisions. They are just nestled in their cave. Not worrying. About what is to come. They're not pacing around the cave.

They're not doing anything.

They are being right where they are.

Until their intuition tells them to begin to stir. And re-emerge into movement. Okay. So when you're in a relationship that is feeling a little Rocky, you're a little unsure about. Maybe there's some red flags that have started to come through. We are living in some state of hypervigilance because we don't want to say the wrong thing.

That starts another fight. And we're bending over backwards and sideways to take care of the dishes, the laundry, to find the kids shoes so I can get them to school on time. So that [00:04:00] we can get to our meetings on time. And trying to do all the things because we maybe don't have support from our partner.

We're just living in a very fast paced. I have to do it, have to get it done. Can't think about it type of space. Our nervous system has two modes. The sympathetic and the parasympathetic. The sympathetic is the go do protect, fight flight, freeze, fun, freak the fuck out. It is the state that we're in. When we need the energy, we need the movement to get away from something to get something done. It's useful when we, when we do that in short bursts.

Okay. But then we're meant to come back into the parasympathetic, which is the rest and digest. I got away from the thing. Now I can relax. The problem is when we're living in these hypervigilant states, when we're living in these chaotic households. We can't really Breng our guard down. And so we're stuck in that sympathetic turned [00:05:00] on need to be aware, not relaxing state.

We aren't snuggled into the being energy, the energy of rest. And because of this, our brains are pumping cortisol. And our amygdala is running the show. If you think about like a security camera. This is the best visual that I have for this, where it's just scanning.

It's just scanning the environment for threat. It's getting the environment for when the body needs to turn on to prepare it is in constant seeking, seeking outward mode. And when the amygdala is on, it's taking a lot of energy from the other parts of the brain. So we are aware of threat, but we are not. Able to really tune into how we feel about the threat. So, if you think about a lion running at you.

Body turns on sympathetic gets activated and you run. You don't have time to think about how you feel about running from the line. You're just fucking [00:06:00] running from the lion.

so we're in that constant state of running from the lion. We're not in the state of introspection reflection. So we stay in the panic place of not knowing. And then we start judging ourselves because I can't tap into my intuition and I don't know how I feel.

And how is this going to be if I actually make this decision? We can't tune into what we really should do. We need to find the stillness. In the chaos. And I know that seems like maybe a insurmountable task. But we're going to break it down so that it feels very doable so that you can incorporate this in starting with small amounts. And the beautiful part of this is that the energy of the natural world right now is in your favor. So I want you to take a moment. If you're driving, please, don't close your eyes. If you're cooking, please, don't close your eyes. But you can just take a moment even with your eyes open and ask yourself. How can I incorporate stillness? And nervous system regulation. [00:07:00] Into my day.

What is the first thing that comes to mind that you have been wanting to do for yourself? And haven't made this space for, or have made all of the excuses, why you don't have the time to be able to do the thing. What's the first thing that comes to mind where you're like,

I miss that. That thing that gives me that moment of.

Uh,

is it wanting to go to a yoga class? That you haven't been to in several months. Is it wanting to just take a walk by yourself and maybe listen to your podcast or maybe not listen to anything and just be with nature. Is it wanting to take a weekend away so that you can wake up on a Saturday morning without the chaotic to do lists and the kids on top of you and the partner who's refusing to help and fighting throughout your whole Saturday afternoon.

Is it the journal that you haven't picked up in six months?

Is it taking a bath? Maybe you used to take really [00:08:00] extravagant, lovely bubble baths with candles and incense. You haven't done that in a long time. Or maybe it's just taking a shower where you can be in peace and close the door for 15 minutes and let your mind wander. Some of our best ideas or realizations or a high moments come in the shower.

Right. We hear people talk about that a lot. And why is that? The shower is really this place where we can kind of let our mind wander we're in a very routine sequence of things that we're doing with our soap and shampoo and whatever.

We're not having to cognitively think very hard. So it allows our body to go into that rest place. That parasympathetic place. It lights up other parts of our brain that we haven't been utilizing. Cause we've been in the amygdala. So it brings on the rational brain. It brings on this connection to our higher self, our emotional self. Where we are being, we aren't doing.

So think [00:09:00] about what, brings you that deep sense of calm. Where you are stopping and allowing yourself to do something that isn't productive.

Quote unquote.

What is that thing for you? Asking yourself, how can I go within to my cave? Right now. How can I go and hibernate for five minutes for 10 minutes for a weekend? To be with myself to come into some of that stillness for me right now.

The more space that you give the more time that we're spending in the parasympathetic. The more access that you have to your intuition and your higher self. The more that you will begin to hear that knowing that we're all wanting, like, I just want to know what the right decision is. We can't come into that.

Knowing when we are blasting, our nervous system was so much noise. It has to come from that place of stillness. And the rational brain will come more online. The more stillness that you [00:10:00] find as well. So to go back to the amygdala, taking all the energy. When we start to relax that energy can move outward, can turn on the other parts of the brain that we need that are necessary in order to make really good decisions in order to see a path forward. They always say that you shouldn't make a decision when you're angry.

Right. You've heard that saying. And why is that? It's because our emotions are so high we're in the amygdala state. We don't feel safe. We're in some sort of triggered response. So our rational brain is not online. We have to give ourselves some time to come out of the emotion, to come out of that state in order to access. Our adult self, right?

This rational part of us knows how to make the decision and how to follow through with what is needed after the decision is made. So you will feel much more competent. Much more confident. You'll be able to make a plan if the plan is to leave or do something different in the relationship so that you can stay.

[00:11:00] You will have more access to the intellectual and the wise parts of yourself.

So using the darkness of the winter solstice, this energy that we're in right now. To find some stillness. To find your cave place to carve out times to be, instead of do. The next energy that we can harness right now that we can really optimize for ourself is new. Year's new year's energy is, is, is here. coming or anticipating it. You hear everywhere, people talking about what is your intention for the new year? Energetically. This is really a way for us to focus and to realign. Now, really, we could do this at any time of year. Okay. Let's be honest. And we should but new years has this reputation for being the time where we actually stop and think about what do we want this next year to look like? And I know a lot of you are saying, Bre, I don't know what I want.

That's why I'm listening to this episode because I can't make a decision. [00:12:00] And I hear you. And that's exactly my point. So with this new years, intention, I want you to think less about a hard driving success focused or movement forward intention. I don't want you to be pacing around the cave. I want you to be in stillness. So what if your intention shifted from. Deciding if I want to leave this relationship. Two. Finding more stillness because we know stillness is going to help us make the rational decision. Even when I say that, it's like, oh, my intention is to find more stillness.

How much less pressure does that feel, then I need to make a decision. It's it's allowing yourself the time. It's trusting your ability to tune in, to slow down, to use all parts of your brain. So that you can come to the understanding of the next right step for you. One of my teachers [00:13:00] long ago gave me that piece of advice where she's like, you don't need to know how everything is going to turn out. All you need to know is the next right step. And as you take. The next right step and the next right step, it's going to lead you somewhere. It's going to lead you to that decision.

It's going to lead you to that decision. So giving yourself the permission to not need to know the full picture in this moment, because I was just going to add to your stress and anxiety and activate that amygdala. We're just intending to find more stillness.

It's reallyBreinging some importance to you, to your mental health, to your physical health, even in the smallest quantities to start with.

If thinking about taking care of yourself is like the last priority on your list. This is going to help train you. That this is one of the most important. Pieces of, of, I would argue your life because it's hard to expect other people [00:14:00] to take care of us. If we aren't caring for ourselves. If we aren't caring for ourselves, we don't know what to expect. We don't know what to ask for. And if we aren't used to it, We're not going to feel like we deserve it. So this has to start with you.

It has to start with you cultivating. I am worth the time. The take care of myself. I am worth taking this five minutes every day, because I know it makes me show up differently for my family, because I know it makes me feel more connected to my intuition and therefore more confident in my decisions. I am worth it.

So we have this intention that we can create around finding more stillness. One important thing that often gets missed with intentions. Is the followup of like, what the fuck does it look like? In my day-to-day life. So we have to include some behaviors that align with the intention. So that we can really dial our mind into, this is what it's going to look like.

I'm going to put this on my [00:15:00] calendar to make sure that I actually do the thing. Sometimes when we leave intentions very big and nebulous, it's kind of like, yeah. Yeah. Stillness. Uh, I'm going to get to that next week. This is like, what is the behavior that we're going to do to execute that? What is the behavior that we're going to do to succeed in that intention.

If your intention is finding more stillness. Maybe this is a behavior of a five minute morning meditation on my guided app before the house wakes up. I can literally put that into my calendar. Maybe it's journaling. On a Sunday for 15 minutes while my husband is watching football and the kids are. Coloring in there coloring book.

I don't know.

Making this doable. So like, how does your family operate? How do you and your partner operate? Where are those moments where you can insert. 15 minutes to say, this is what I do on Sunday afternoons. Creating the space, [00:16:00] making it real, putting it on your calendar. You can start small. And I want you to really keep this in. Focus. Intentions really drop off, by mid January for a lot of people. It makes me think of the drive that a lot of people have to, like, I'm going to start working out and all of the gyms, the beginning of January are packed full.

You feel this motivated energy. And then by February, you're kind of back to the normal people who were at the gym. So we want to keep it in focus. We want to keep it front of mind. A couple of ways that helped me to do this. Is putting a reminder in my phone. For a long time, I had an alarm. That went off at lunchtime. And it said check in with her. And to me, I knew what that meant.

That was check-in with my inner child, check in with my younger self. And my triggered, am I feeling something? Do I need to have a little internal hug? Checking in with her. And that was my reminder every day. I needed the [00:17:00] literal ping from my phone to remind me to do it.

And then it became more of a habit. You can also change your background on your computer to maybe a quote or something that feels inspiring towards finding stillness. Maybe it's a picture of something really relaxing that brings you stillness. A certain type of landscape or maybe a coffee mug and like a cozy something, you can get creative with what this looks like. Another cool thing to do is I've done this too. Like the queen of sticky notes. Is putting a sticky note, some sort of mantra, some sort of like very short reminder, that's easily understood for yourself in your makeup bag. On your mirror somewhere in your house that you see a lot. Um, I say makeup bags specifically, because if you are in a relationship that has felt manipulative or has felt like some of your vulnerabilities have been used against you. These are things better to keep more in [00:18:00] your hidden spaces.

So it's not really. I don't think your partner maybe would go in your makeup bag. Or if it's in your car, these places that you are, but not necessarily front and center for your partner to see.

And one other side note, because I was always that like, Uh, wanting to get straight A's student when I was younger. So for extra credit you can also take new year's day or new year's Eve we don't have to get too specific just dream into, like, what is your ideal day?

What would that look like? If you could just wave the magic wand and have your perfect day. What would that include? Are you sleeping in? Or getting up early. Are you spending time alone? Or are you connecting with others? If you're connecting with others, who are you connecting with? Is it your partner? Is it your friends?

Is it a mix? Are you working out? Are you going for a hike? Are you [00:19:00] meditating? Are you doing a yoga class? What does it look like? Very granularly details. What does it look like with your kids, with your schedule, with the routine? With your partner. And really get into those small in-between moments. You want to create your ideal day and be in the energy of how that's going to feel. And the more that you sort of dream into this day, the more you can start to see where potentially you can make some shifts in your current life to Breng more of that ideal illness into your day.

You have so much control over your experience here. And I know sometimes that. When we're in this place of the ping pong back and forth of, do I leave? Do I not feeling guilty? I'm even having these thoughts. Oh, now he's really showing up and loving and maybe we're going to be okay. That's a lot. So it can feel very out of [00:20:00] control.

It can feel very unpredictable. It can feel like, when am I going to know like that some thing in the future, that's going to just come to you out of the blue. I want you to remember how much control you have. And it starts with you realizing that you do have that control. So to recap. We talked about how you can harness these energies of this time of year to help you move more towards clarity and guidance place. In your decision, whether to leave your relationship or not. We talked about finding your cave. Making more time to be. In your cave and not do. Things that in your cave. Being not doing. We talked about why the energy of being will help actually Breng your higher self more in focus. Help you hear your intuition. And it will help your rational brain come online so that you can actually make really good decisions and feel [00:21:00] confident and competent. Two. Move through that decision. And then we talked about creating an intention. That is less hard driving with a deadline. Panic focused. And lean into something that will aid you in finding more stillness. More reconnection time with you. That is the utmost importance always, but especially when we're in this, this unpredictable energy in our relationships within ourselves. Coming back into yourself, coming back into stillness is going to help you tremendously.

I can guarantee it. And then as a further resource for inspiration to know that you're not alone. I want you to listen to episode 43. It's called. If I leave, will I be okay. Finding the strength to leave a narcissistic relationship? I interview a woman named Taj about her experience of doing this exact thing.

And it is. Brelliant and beautiful and vulnerable. And [00:22:00] we'll just be like that hug that you need right now, if you're in that place. As always. This podcast is for you and you are not alone until next time.