Stand Up For Yourself,
Set Boundaries,
& Stop Pleasing Others (if that’s okay with you…)
(Be Confident and Fearless Book 9)
Written by
Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.
“Hey,
could you stay late this evening and finish up all my work for me?
There’s a party tonight and I’ll miss it if I don’t leave now.”| “Oh
sure!
Of course!
Uh ...do you need me to give you a lift there?"
People call them doormats,
pushovers,
or people-pleasers,
but whatever they’re called,
they all seem to have the same playbook - be nice,
be helpful,
be kind,
and no matter what you do,
never ever say no.
In this book,
we’ll be looking closely at the seemingly irresistible need to please others
at all costs and how to tackle the sometimes devastating effects of putting
yourself last.
We’ll look at why you might be a people-pleaser and what lies at the root of
your mindset.
This way,
you can begin unpicking certain core beliefs so that you’re empowered to set
healthier boundaries and start to take charge of your life.
People may tell you,
“Just say no!
Just be firm!” but the truth is,
if you’re a chronic people-pleaser,
it goes a lot deeper than this.
We’ll explore some easy tips and tricks to “fake it ’til you make it,”
but we’ll also take a closer look at how to make more lasting and fundamental
changes.
These changes will help you genuinely feel more content,
composed,
and confident in yourself so that you truly don’t need to people-please
anymore.
A wonderful thing happens when people give up people-pleasing - they realize
that when they’re happy,
balanced,
and assertive,
their relationships are actually more respectful,
more intimate,
and more real—not less!
People-pleasing is a complex learned behavior,
but the good news is that with a little effort,
you can shift your mindset and start to engage with others on more genuine,
mature,
and equal footing.
No matter where you are right now,
this book will show you how.
One major cause of people-pleasing is the need to be liked.
Are you a people-pleaser?
Chances are you already know the answer to this question,
but there is one tell-tale sign that may reveal a deeper problem - you
constantly think,
“I wonder if they like me?"
Do They Like How I Look?
Do They Like My Work?
Do they think I’m interesting or intelligent or valuable?
Am I Needed?
Do They Like What I Say Or What I Do?
Do They Like Me?
First things first - wanting to be liked is not a problem.
It’s human.
We all seek out acceptance into a group and try hard to avoid being rejected.
Humans evolved in small tribes in which being a part of the bigger whole was
necessary for survival.
Therefore,
there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with caring about the opinions of others,
wanting their validation,
or feeling good about yourself because they feel good about you.
The trouble is,
a people-pleaser can have difficulty finding where to draw the line between
this need to please and their own need for authenticity,
dignity,
and self-worth.
In other words,
it’s a problem of balance.
There are people out there who don’t consider the opinions of others
enough—they may be callous,
inconsiderate,
uncaring,
or outright hostile to the idea of pleasing other people.
But if you’re reading this book,
chances are that you fall on the other end of the spectrum.
When it comes to your own self-concept and worth as a human being,
you give the opinions and actions of others too much weight.
Here are a few examples in which the need to people-please has tipped over from
a normal human desire into a set of behaviors that actively limits life’s
potential -
•You submit a project to a client who usually gives you effusive praise,
only to have them say,
“Thanks!” and move on without a second thought.
You spend all evening wondering what they really think and whether they
actually hated the project or worse,
whether it’s you they hate.
•You accidentally said something offensive and immediately apologized.
The other person is a bit hurt but has forgiven you and appears to have moved
on.
However,
you find yourself wracked with guilt and can’t stop thinking of things you
should be doing to make it up to them.
You keep apologizing until the whole situation is awkward.
•You’re dating someone new,
and all your focus immediately goes to finding out what they like so you can be
that.
You subtly alter how you speak,
dress,
or behave in an unconscious bid to be the kind of person you hope they’ll be
attracted to.
Dr. Roger Covin is a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Need to
be Liked.
His research has shown him that although people-pleasing has roots in natural
human social behavior,
it can cause a few problems - It can stop you from doing what you want (because
what will they think?).
It can stop you from exploring,
creating,
or trying something new (too risky).
It can cause anxiety and unhappiness.
Basically,
if your life’s purpose is meeting the needs of other people,
then what happens to your needs?
A people-pleasing life is often inauthentic,
stressful,
and unhappy.
At the core of this life are two lies - the first is that it is one hundred
percent totally and absolutely unacceptable for us to be disliked.
The second is that it is our job to make other people happy,
and that we are responsible for how they feel.
How do we let go of these lies?
Here are the insights and attitudes associated with a healthier sense of self.
You’Re An Ink Blot.
Think of a Rorschach ink blot test.
Everyone sees in those ambiguous blobs whatever they want to see.
And what they see has nothing to do with the blob itself.
Think of yourself the same way!
Some people will like you,
and some won’t.
Some people will love certain characteristics in you,
while others hate those same traits.
And it doesn’t mean a thing.
If someone says,
“I like you,” it’s not all that different from them saying “I prefer
strawberry ice cream to chocolate."
There’s no judgment,
and nothing is wrong.
The person is simply telling you their opinion,
which is their business.
In other words,
a person saying “I don’t like you” is not a problem to solve,
a mistake,
a crisis,
or an insult.
You might go on a date with a woman who announces that she doesn’t like
skinny men.
You,
being a skinny man,
could think either 1)
“I should bulk up at the gym or women won’t like me,” or 2)
“Oh well,
I guess we’re not compatible!"
There are seven billion people on this earth.
Can you even imagine the type of person you’d need to be to win everyone’s
approval?
It’s impossible.
Your Worth Does Not Come From Others’ Approval.
For our ancient ancestors,
being expelled from the group may literally have meant death.
For modern,
evolved humankind—not so much.
It’s normal to occasionally meet disapproval.
Really!
If you think about it,
you probably cannot think of a single person out there who hasn’t been
disapproved of by someone else at some point.
And you probably disapprove of many others!
People-pleasers may dwell on the agonizing question,
“Why don’t they like me?!” but really,
does the answer matter?
Can we have the courage to recognize that even if someone doesn’t like us,
we don’t vanish in a puff of smoke?
We are still who we are,
and our happiness is still what we make of it.
A healthy mindset assures us that our self-worth does not come from the
(fleeting,
potentially flawed)
opinions and tastes of others.
You may choose a career path that your family despises,
for example,
but makes you happy.
With a healthy mindset,
though,
you can tell yourself,
“I have worth whether or not they approve."
Who says you can’t live a happy,
healthy,
meaningful,
and awesome life while at the same time,
some people dislike you?
There’s Nothing Wrong with Having Needs—and Meeting Them Isn’t it funny
how people-pleasers rush to meet the needs of others,
yet dismiss their own?
Isn’t it strange how quick they are to take other people’s judgment as
gospel while assuming their own feelings,
thoughts,
and opinions are relatively worthless?
Perhaps you have a fear that not people-pleasing means you are irresponsible,
selfish,
or liable to get rejected or judged.
Perhaps you feel that you are not as entitled to have your needs met as other
people.
Or perhaps,
like many,
you have the unconscious belief - “I only have worth if I am valuable to
other people,
if I please them,
or if I make them happy."
We’ll explore all these beliefs in greater detail later in the book.
Occasionally,
a people-pleaser will realize that something’s got to give,
and they may lash out,
swing the other way,
or suddenly be cold,
harsh,
and selfish.
But this is not the solution,
either.
The problem is when you frame a situation as your needs Versus other people’s
needs.
It is never either/or.
It’s never a competition for scarce resources.
You can have your needs met,
and so can they.
A people-pleaser asks,
“What can I do to get them to like me?” whereas a healthier mindset would
have us ask,
“So what if they don’t like me?"
When you untangle yourself from other people’s opinions and judgments,
you free yourself to ask what You want,
what you care about,
and what you value.
Then,
you can act accordingly.
When you “live on purpose” this way,
you strengthen yourself.
When you live an authentic and value-driven life,
you’re more courageous,
so that when others disapprove,
it genuinely does not matter.
What could other people’s opinions mean to you when you are following your
heart and living the best life you know how?
You Are Not Omnipotent.
Now,
this may sound crazy,
but here’s a mind-blowing thought - people are living their own lives,
which has nothing to do with you!
Jokes aside,
a people-pleaser may make a continued error whenever they assume that other
people’s choices necessarily have something to do with them.
Unconsciously,
they put themselves at the center of everything.
If someone was randomly rude to you,
you automatically assume it’s because of something you did.
But really,
isn’t this a little arrogant?
Every person has their own life history,
their own mindset,
core beliefs,
and hidden interior world.
Some people don’t even understand their own motivations,
let alone make it clear to others why they do what they do!
It may sound weird,
but relax into the fact of your own probable insignificance in most people’s
lives.
You don’t know what others are thinking and feeling,
why they act,
or what they want.
You don’t always have complete information about any situation and your role
in it.
So,
that means you’re off the hook and don’t need to torture yourself with
guesses and interpretations for other people’s behaviors.
“Why does my mother-in-law treat me this way?
Does she do it on purpose?
Maybe she thinks she’s better than me.
Have I possibly offended her?"
One possibility you may have overlooked - you have no idea what’s going on in
your mother-in-law’s world,
and in truth,
she has barely given you a thought.
Remind yourself that neutral is not negative.
Sometimes,
people-pleasers can assume they’ve been rejected when all that’s happened
is ...well,
nothing.
Most encounters and interactions are just neutral.
And that’s okay.
The “Separation Of Tasks” Exercise.
Enter the founder of individual psychology,
psychiatrist Alfred Adler.
His theories placed emphasis on the individual’s need to adjust socially to
his or her community.
For him,
feelings of harmonious belonging within a community were a big part of mental
well-being.
According to the authors of the book The Courage to be Disliked,
Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga,
one of the most important things to master is the ability to ask,
“Whose task is this?"
To explain what this means,
consider the Separation of Tasks exercise.
Speaking about Adler,
the authors claim that,
“All you can do with regard to your own life is choose the best path that you
believe in.
On the other hand,
what kind of judgement do people pass on that choice?
That is the task of other people and is not a matter you can do anything about."
There are things we have control over,
and things we don’t.
Things we are responsible for,
and things we aren’t.
Our “job” and others’ jobs.
The trick is to wisely discern the difference.
A people-pleaser may anxiously think,
“I have to find a way to get this person to like me."
But this task of liking someone or not—whose task is it?
An alternative is to say,
“It’s up to them to decide if they like me or not."
This is a much less anxiety-provoking thought and quite a revelation .- Each
person is ultimately responsible for their own opinions,
reactions,
and actions.
It may sound simple,
but the ramifications of this short exercise can be profound.
Whenever you are feeling distressed or confused,
ask,
“What is my task here?"
With work colleagues,
relationships,
family members,
or friends,
pause and quickly ask if a certain task,
idea,
or thought is really your business.
Is it your responsibility?
Is it in your scope of control?
If not,
let it go without guilt.
Chronic people-pleasers tend to take on everyone else’s tasks.
We make it our problem to ensure people like us.
We take it upon ourselves to make sure everyone is happy,
that there is no conflict,
or that we are in their good books.
And then we’re anxious!
For example,
you may tie yourself in knots trying to organize Christmas for your family.
You have invited two people who are now feuding with one another,
and you’re anxiously wondering how to fix it,
how to smooth over everyone’s ruffled feathers,
and how to make sure the rest of the family still has a nice time.
But you could instead pause and ask yourself to separate out their tasks from
your own.
You would see that -
•It is not your business what goes on between two other people.
•You cannot control how people respond to this feud or how they feel.
•Your only task is organizing Christmas to the best of your abilities
(assuming this is a responsibility you were happy to take on in the first place!
Was that your task ...?).
Just asking the question,
“What is My task here?” can save you mountains of people-pleasing behavior
and anxiety.
When you catch yourself fretting over what others think or feel,
pause again to remind yourself that is not your job.
The Serenity Prayer is great for people-pleasers since we need to remember the
difference between what we can control and what we can’t.
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to know the difference."
In truth,
you can fret over other people’s tasks if you really want to.
But why would you want to when it doesn’t help them and certainly doesn’t
help you?
Chapter 2 .- Are You Generous?
Or Just Afraid of Rejection?
Some of us engage in people-pleasing because we desperately want other
people’s approval,
validation,
and liking.
But sometimes,
people-pleasing can come from a slightly different place.
“Rejection sensitivity” is what it sounds like—the heightened and
unreasonable fear of someone rejecting you.
More commonly,
though,
the real problem is all the stuff we do to avoid that perceived potential for
rejection.
One big way we can attempt to avoid the horror of being rejected is to engage
in people-pleasing.
Many people-pleasers feel awful at the prospect that they should be less kind,
less generous,
or less forgiving.
But consider this .- Is your motivation really compassion and kindness?
Or is it sometimes an attempt,
conscious or unconscious,
to try to control people?
If you view things this way,
then you quickly realize that letting go of rejection,
fears,
and people-pleasing behaviors is precisely what will allow you to be more
generous—or,
more genuinely generous!
Being giving is a beautiful thing.
But it’s less beautiful when it’s purely a strategy to help us moderate
anxiety.
A study in the 2016 academic journal Frontiers in Human Neuroscience (Dominguez
et al.)
found that “agreeable” people had a tendency to people-please in order to
avoid social stress.
The researchers discovered,
using fMRI scans,
that when faced with an opportunity to say no,
areas of the brain associated with cognitive dissonance lit up.
However,
when they said yes,
those same areas went offline.
What this suggests is that saying yes to requests is a way to reduce inner
stress and uneasiness (some might call it guilt!).
The authors had actually uncovered the physiological basis for that feeling of
“I just can’t say no!"
The fear of rejection causes us distress,
but by saying yes,
we quell that anxiety.
So,
being generous and giving is not really about the other person at all—it’s
about regulating ourselves.
Of course,
this doesn’t always work out so well because by saying yes,
we open ourselves to being taken advantage of,
to agreeing to things that actually violate our own boundaries,
and to making our own feelings of calm dependent on us being generous and
useful to others.
So,
what happens when we really do need to say no?
Fearing rejection,
we may fail to set limits and boundaries,
and we seem to get stuck in one-sided relationships with people who take and
take.
But once we’re in these situations,
we may feel even less able to say no—in other words,
the anxiety about being rejected actually increases.
For example,
you’ve agreed to look after your friend’s dog even though you really
don’t have the time.
You said yes just to keep the peace and avoid awkwardness ... But now he’s
asked you to look after the dog again.
And he keeps asking.
The pressure to say yes is even greater now (you’ve set a precedent,
haven’t you?),
so you keep saying yes.
Before you know it,
you’re trapped in a sickening and reinforcing cycle of guilt and obligation.
Perhaps in all this,
your own dog sits at home,
missing out on her walks while you’re away,
which makes you feel awful.
You give and give and give,
and yet you have low self-worth,
you’re stressed,
and you’re resentful.
In comparison,
the prospect of being rejected by your friend if you had said no suddenly
doesn’t seem so bad!
Rejection sensitivity is more common than you’d think ...and the irony is
that it often has the opposite of the intended effect.
For example -
•You’re terrified of being rejected in a big job interview,
but this makes you behave in meek,
unconfident ways during that interview,
causing the interviewers to pass you over for someone with more faith in
themselves.
•Meeting new people,
your desperate need to impress causes you to hog the conversation and be
boastful.
They’re not impressed.
•In dating,
your fear of rejection may lead you to waste time with people you don’t
actually like.
By doing whatever you can to avoid them rejecting you,
you miss out on a crucial detail - you’re not keen on them yourself!
How To Break The Fear Of Rejection Cycle.
Rejection is a normal part of life.
The weird things we do to avoid rejection,
however,
can be far from normal!
In their bid to be accepted by others,
people-pleasers can be timid,
neurotic,
and inauthentic.
Worse still,
others may perceive them as false,
passive aggressive,
or even manipulative,
creating a self-fulfilling prophesy where people actually may feel pushed to
reject them.
The good news is that this is all fixable.
No,
we cannot avoid rejection,
and there is no way to magically make everyone accept and embrace us.
But we can make sure that we don’t let the sting of rejection spiral out of
control and hurt more than it needs to.
Travis Corigan created the Rejection Inoculation Program,
and his strategy is not to twist you out of shape so nobody ever rejects you
again.
Rather,
it’s to make sure that the next time you are rejected (and it will happen),
you are resilient against it,
and though it may hurt,
it doesn’t shake your self-worth to its core.
Corigan’s technique is a form of what psychologists call exposure therapy.
You repeatedly expose yourself to the feared stimulus,
but in a safe environment that you control.
Why go through all this torture?
Because you are undoing a core belief at the root of people-pleasing behavior
.- I cannot survive rejection.
I must avoid it at all costs.
The thing is,
this belief is actually not true.
You can survive it,
and the only way to prove this to yourself is to willingly experience rejection
and notice how you feel.
Corigan’s program has three easy steps - 1.
Set Yourself A Quota.
2.
Set A Time Domain.
3.
Make Attempts To Hit That Quota.
What’s a quota?
It’s simply the number of times you are rejected.
Yup—you are deliberately seeking out rejection.
Merely framing rejection as something that you ask for and are in control of
takes some of its power away.
See the whole exercise as a game or challenge,
and not some life-or-death agony.
“By turning the thing you most want to avoid into the key performance
indicator (K. P. I. )
that you should optimize is a righteous trick for your brain.
You utilize one part of your motivation centers to break this log jam between
two competing motivations you have - the life you want for yourself and your
primate programming that being rejected from the tribe means death,” says
Corigan.
The approach may sound terrifying,
but it’s a brilliant way to completely turn your mindset upside down.
If you run screaming from rejection,
you may think it’s a triumph when you don’t have to experience it.
On the other hand,
never experiencing it allows you to fear it all the more.
Rejection becomes a big,
terrifying black hole in your psyche,
and when you eventually do encounter it (because,
again,
you will!),
you are unprepared and in the worst possible position to cope with it.
When you “inoculate yourself” against rejection and actually rehearse the
process,
you realize something.
Rejection is not that big a deal.
That queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach,
that awful hot feeling on your face,
and that sinking sense of dread and self-loathing ...it’s all transient.
Who cares?
Open your eyes and look around—you’re still alive,
you’re still a worthy human being,
and the world didn’t end.
And what’s more,
there may be a new stirring inside you,
something a little like confidence.
Let’s look at an example of the inoculation program in the context of being
overly generous and not saying no.
Katie is the biggest martyr you’ll ever meet.
She’s a teacher’s assistant who regularly buys things for her students from
her own pocket and stays late after school to help struggling kids.
She volunteers for more organizations and charities than she can count.
She tirelessly dedicates most of her weekends to organizing community events
and babysitting her nieces and nephews,
or helping her elderly mother with errands.
She does all this because she’s a good,
kind person.
She also does it because she’s terrified that if she says no,
all these people will angrily abandon her.
As you can imagine,
Katie has extremely low self-worth that is entirely conditional on how much she
does for others.
She’s frequently exhausted and stressed out,
but at least all this work proves her value and prevents others from rejecting
her,
right?
She tried out a version of Corigan’s program,
and it looked like this - Quota - start by politely saying no to a request I
don’t have time for,
and not budging no matter how guilty I feel or am made to feel Do this at
least once a week to start,
just to test it out.
Increase frequency later on.
Katie comes down with the flu.
The school has let her take some time off,
but Katie’s mother sees this as an opportunity to ask Katie to come over to
her house and help her clean out her basement,
“Since you’re free."
Katie takes a deep breath,
and says,
“I’m feeling pretty exhausted,
Mom.
I think it’s a no from me."
Then she waits.
She doesn’t apologize,
she doesn’t beg forgiveness,
and she doesn’t immediately leap in with an alternative suggestion to soften
her no.
Are you wondering what happens next?
Well,
the truth is that Katie’s mother’s response is not all that relevant.
Katie has already decided that she will say no and stick to it no matter what
response she gets.
That’s because she is acting for herself and not for some desired response
from others.
She is untangling herself from people-pleasing and reconnecting with the idea
of pleasing herself.
In a later chapter,
we’ll look more closely at boundary setting and how to say no assertively yet
with kindness.
But for now,
like Katie,
the idea is simply to become proactive and deliberately seek rejection on your
own terms.
Katie’s mother doesn’t in fact disown her,
even if she’s a little surprised.
The next week,
Katie says no when the school demands she organizes the bake sale.
She notices that the more she says no,
the easier it becomes because of three important insights - 1.
The rejection she assumed was coming didn’t in fact come,
and 2.
If it did come,
it wasn’t as bad as she predicted it would be,
and 3.
If it was that bad,
she realized that she was more than able to cope with it!
Over the course of a few months,
Katie challenges the core belief that I cannot survive rejection.
I must avoid it at all costs.
She replaces it with new ones.
Rejection is not the end of the world.
I am a good person even if I say no,
and even if someone rejects me for it.
I can cope with people being unhappy with me.
How you set your quota,
what your quota is,
and what time frame you choose is up to you.
You could decide you want to make one cold call a day at work and count the
times people turn down your pitch.
You could aim to talk to a new person every three days.
You could commit to reaching out to romantic interests,
or take the risk of inviting relatively new friends to meet up and get to know
each other better.
The big difference is that you are not running away from rejection but
encountering it in a controlled,
deliberate fashion.
Here are a few things to keep in mind as you try Corigan’s approach - Have
Self-Compassion.
Think of someone you love,
and now imagine them experiencing the pain of rejection.
Do you feel like laughing and jeering at them,
or think that they’re losers?
Do you feel like saying,
“Don’t be such a baby,” or,
“Maybe they’re right to reject you”?
Chances are,
you just feel kind,
tender compassion.
You want to hug them and say,
“Don’t worry,
it doesn’t matter.
I still think you’re awesome!"
Try to see if you can have that very same reaction to yourself when you
experience rejection.
Acknowledge that it hurts.
Not just for you but for every human being.
It’s okay to feel bad about it.
At the same time,
you accept both yourself and the emotions you’re feeling.
Rejection is hard enough without feeling bad about feeling bad!
Challenge Your Narratives.
Let’s say you never ask anyone out because you’re afraid of them rejecting
you.
The story you tell yourself is,
“If I ask people out,
they’ll be offended and annoyed,
and they may even be rude or insulting to me."
So you don’t ask anyone out,
but this means that you never get to test the truth of this narrative.
If you deliberately seek out rejection,
though,
you discover that this story is pretty inaccurate.
People may well reject you,
but instead their response is to be flattered and surprised and to kindly and
politely say no,
letting you know they still appreciate the effort.
Unless you test out your narrative,
though,
you never give yourself the chance to correct it.
You think you are sparing yourself some pain by clinging to the old narrative.
But what about the pain of forever believing such a story?
What about the low self-esteem it brings,
the distrust of others,
the pessimism?
What about all the opportunities that you miss because you believe that story?
Focus On Process And Not Outcome.
Who is in control of your world?
What determines your state of mind?
For people-pleasers,
their sense of worth always seems to rest outside of themselves.
They give that power to others.
If they think you’re good,
then you’re good.
If they think you’re bad,
then that’s what you are.
Furthermore,
a people-pleaser always cares about the outcome.
Will they approve?
What will they say?
What should you do to ensure the “right” outcome?
But this “external locus of control” and a focus on outcome saps the joy
out of life and makes you feel powerless.
To counter it,
focus instead on the process,
not on the outcome.
For example,
with Corigan’s exercise,
you make progress every time you act to fill your quota.
That is something you are in control of.
Your quota is not to elicit any particular response from anyone else—it’s
only about you and your actions.
Give yourself credit for trying,
and forget about what other people think of those attempts or what comes of
them.
The process of challenging limiting beliefs,
of facing your fear—this is where the value lies no matter what the result is!
This has been
Stand Up For Yourself,
Set Boundaries,
& Stop Pleasing Others (if that’s okay with you…) (Be Confident and Fearless Book 9) Written by
Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.