1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,440 Stand Up For Yourself, 2 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:03,440 Set Boundaries, 3 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:06,680 & Stop Pleasing Others (if that’s okay with you…) 4 00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:08,040 (Be Confident and Fearless Book 9) 5 00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:08,200 Written by 6 00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:10,440 Patrick King, narrated by russell newton. 7 00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:15,040 “Hey, 8 00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:19,280 could you stay late this evening and finish up all my work for me? 9 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:23,920 There’s a party tonight and I’ll miss it if I don’t leave now.”| “Oh 10 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:24,440 sure! 11 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:25,800 Of course! 12 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:30,600 Uh ...do you need me to give you a lift there?" 13 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:32,240 People call them doormats, 14 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:33,280 pushovers, 15 00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:34,520 or people-pleasers, 16 00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:36,160 but whatever they’re called, 17 00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,840 they all seem to have the same playbook - be nice, 18 00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:39,680 be helpful, 19 00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:41,160 be kind, 20 00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:43,000 and no matter what you do, 21 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,760 never ever say no. 22 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:46,760 In this book, 23 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:51,520 we’ll be looking closely at the seemingly irresistible need to please others 24 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:56,760 at all costs and how to tackle the sometimes devastating effects of putting 25 00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:59,040 yourself last. 26 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:03,200 We’ll look at why you might be a people-pleaser and what lies at the root of 27 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:04,640 your mindset. 28 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:05,440 This way, 29 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:10,360 you can begin unpicking certain core beliefs so that you’re empowered to set 30 00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:14,920 healthier boundaries and start to take charge of your life. 31 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:15,840 People may tell you, 32 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:17,480 “Just say no! 33 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:20,480 Just be firm!” but the truth is, 34 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:22,720 if you’re a chronic people-pleaser, 35 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:25,080 it goes a lot deeper than this. 36 00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:29,240 We’ll explore some easy tips and tricks to “fake it ’til you make it,” 37 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:33,200 but we’ll also take a closer look at how to make more lasting and fundamental 38 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:34,720 changes. 39 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:38,640 These changes will help you genuinely feel more content, 40 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:39,880 composed, 41 00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:44,600 and confident in yourself so that you truly don’t need to people-please 42 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:46,840 anymore. 43 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:51,440 A wonderful thing happens when people give up people-pleasing - they realize 44 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:52,720 that when they’re happy, 45 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:53,200 balanced, 46 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,440 and assertive, 47 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:58,240 their relationships are actually more respectful, 48 00:01:58,240 --> 00:01:59,480 more intimate, 49 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,360 and more real—not less! 50 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:06,280 People-pleasing is a complex learned behavior, 51 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:08,880 but the good news is that with a little effort, 52 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:13,240 you can shift your mindset and start to engage with others on more genuine, 53 00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:13,840 mature, 54 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:15,880 and equal footing. 55 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,440 No matter where you are right now, 56 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:21,320 this book will show you how. 57 00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:25,280 One major cause of people-pleasing is the need to be liked. 58 00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:26,480 Are you a people-pleaser? 59 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:30,080 Chances are you already know the answer to this question, 60 00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:35,120 but there is one tell-tale sign that may reveal a deeper problem - you 61 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:36,160 constantly think, 62 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,160 “I wonder if they like me?" 63 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:40,760 Do They Like How I Look? 64 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:42,680 Do They Like My Work? 65 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:46,880 Do they think I’m interesting or intelligent or valuable? 66 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:48,760 Am I Needed? 67 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:51,320 Do They Like What I Say Or What I Do? 68 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:54,080 Do They Like Me? 69 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:57,880 First things first - wanting to be liked is not a problem. 70 00:02:57,880 --> 00:02:59,080 It’s human. 71 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:05,040 We all seek out acceptance into a group and try hard to avoid being rejected. 72 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:09,160 Humans evolved in small tribes in which being a part of the bigger whole was 73 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:10,280 necessary for survival. 74 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:11,200 Therefore, 75 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:16,120 there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with caring about the opinions of others, 76 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:17,840 wanting their validation, 77 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:21,000 or feeling good about yourself because they feel good about you. 78 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,520 The trouble is, 79 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:26,960 a people-pleaser can have difficulty finding where to draw the line between 80 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:30,680 this need to please and their own need for authenticity, 81 00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:31,720 dignity, 82 00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:32,360 and self-worth. 83 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:34,440 In other words, 84 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:36,120 it’s a problem of balance. 85 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:40,440 There are people out there who don’t consider the opinions of others 86 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:43,040 enough—they may be callous, 87 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:44,280 inconsiderate, 88 00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:45,360 uncaring, 89 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:49,440 or outright hostile to the idea of pleasing other people. 90 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:50,400 But if you’re reading this book, 91 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:53,160 chances are that you fall on the other end of the spectrum. 92 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:57,880 When it comes to your own self-concept and worth as a human being, 93 00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:01,040 you give the opinions and actions of others too much weight. 94 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:06,600 Here are a few examples in which the need to people-please has tipped over from 95 00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:11,800 a normal human desire into a set of behaviors that actively limits life’s 96 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:14,120 potential - 97 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,880 •You submit a project to a client who usually gives you effusive praise, 98 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:19,400 only to have them say, 99 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:21,720 “Thanks!” and move on without a second thought. 100 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:26,800 You spend all evening wondering what they really think and whether they 101 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:31,000 actually hated the project or worse, 102 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:32,520 whether it’s you they hate. 103 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:38,320 •You accidentally said something offensive and immediately apologized. 104 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:42,440 The other person is a bit hurt but has forgiven you and appears to have moved 105 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:42,680 on. 106 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:43,640 However, 107 00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:47,840 you find yourself wracked with guilt and can’t stop thinking of things you 108 00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:49,560 should be doing to make it up to them. 109 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:56,320 You keep apologizing until the whole situation is awkward. 110 00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:57,720 •You’re dating someone new, 111 00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:04,120 and all your focus immediately goes to finding out what they like so you can be 112 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:04,600 that. 113 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,840 You subtly alter how you speak, 114 00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:08,800 dress, 115 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:13,600 or behave in an unconscious bid to be the kind of person you hope they’ll be 116 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:14,240 attracted to. 117 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:21,000 Dr. Roger Covin is a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Need to 118 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:21,560 be Liked. 119 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:26,400 His research has shown him that although people-pleasing has roots in natural 120 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:27,640 human social behavior, 121 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:34,680 it can cause a few problems - It can stop you from doing what you want (because 122 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:35,560 what will they think?). 123 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,880 It can stop you from exploring, 124 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:38,760 creating, 125 00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:41,280 or trying something new (too risky). 126 00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:44,480 It can cause anxiety and unhappiness. 127 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:45,400 Basically, 128 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:48,440 if your life’s purpose is meeting the needs of other people, 129 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:50,560 then what happens to your needs? 130 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:54,400 A people-pleasing life is often inauthentic, 131 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:55,320 stressful, 132 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:56,800 and unhappy. 133 00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:02,720 At the core of this life are two lies - the first is that it is one hundred 134 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:07,640 percent totally and absolutely unacceptable for us to be disliked. 135 00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:12,480 The second is that it is our job to make other people happy, 136 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:15,080 and that we are responsible for how they feel. 137 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:18,160 How do we let go of these lies? 138 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:23,600 Here are the insights and attitudes associated with a healthier sense of self. 139 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,840 You’Re An Ink Blot. 140 00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:30,680 Think of a Rorschach ink blot test. 141 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:35,360 Everyone sees in those ambiguous blobs whatever they want to see. 142 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:39,400 And what they see has nothing to do with the blob itself. 143 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,560 Think of yourself the same way! 144 00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:43,360 Some people will like you, 145 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:44,000 and some won’t. 146 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:47,280 Some people will love certain characteristics in you, 147 00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:50,120 while others hate those same traits. 148 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:52,680 And it doesn’t mean a thing. 149 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,680 If someone says, 150 00:06:54,680 --> 00:07:00,120 “I like you,” it’s not all that different from them saying “I prefer 151 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:01,840 strawberry ice cream to chocolate." 152 00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:03,640 There’s no judgment, 153 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:04,920 and nothing is wrong. 154 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:07,360 The person is simply telling you their opinion, 155 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:08,760 which is their business. 156 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,160 In other words, 157 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:14,800 a person saying “I don’t like you” is not a problem to solve, 158 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:15,400 a mistake, 159 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:15,960 a crisis, 160 00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:16,760 or an insult. 161 00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:20,360 You might go on a date with a woman who announces that she doesn’t like 162 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:21,000 skinny men. 163 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:21,880 You, 164 00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:23,360 being a skinny man, 165 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,000 could think either 1) 166 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:29,760 “I should bulk up at the gym or women won’t like me,” or 2) 167 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:30,840 “Oh well, 168 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:32,480 I guess we’re not compatible!" 169 00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:36,160 There are seven billion people on this earth. 170 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:40,440 Can you even imagine the type of person you’d need to be to win everyone’s 171 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:40,800 approval? 172 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:41,800 It’s impossible. 173 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:46,680 Your Worth Does Not Come From Others’ Approval. 174 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:50,080 For our ancient ancestors, 175 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:53,760 being expelled from the group may literally have meant death. 176 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:55,360 For modern, 177 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:57,920 evolved humankind—not so much. 178 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:01,080 It’s normal to occasionally meet disapproval. 179 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:01,720 Really! 180 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,240 If you think about it, 181 00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:07,000 you probably cannot think of a single person out there who hasn’t been 182 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:10,200 disapproved of by someone else at some point. 183 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:13,080 And you probably disapprove of many others! 184 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:17,680 People-pleasers may dwell on the agonizing question, 185 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:20,840 “Why don’t they like me?!” but really, 186 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:22,560 does the answer matter? 187 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:27,440 Can we have the courage to recognize that even if someone doesn’t like us, 188 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,600 we don’t vanish in a puff of smoke? 189 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:32,200 We are still who we are, 190 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:35,000 and our happiness is still what we make of it. 191 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:40,520 A healthy mindset assures us that our self-worth does not come from the 192 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:41,760 (fleeting, 193 00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:42,720 potentially flawed) 194 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:44,440 opinions and tastes of others. 195 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:47,600 You may choose a career path that your family despises, 196 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:48,160 for example, 197 00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:49,080 but makes you happy. 198 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:51,000 With a healthy mindset, 199 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:51,280 though, 200 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,600 you can tell yourself, 201 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,920 “I have worth whether or not they approve." 202 00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:58,400 Who says you can’t live a happy, 203 00:08:58,400 --> 00:08:59,080 healthy, 204 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,160 meaningful, 205 00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:02,920 and awesome life while at the same time, 206 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,120 some people dislike you? 207 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:11,840 There’s Nothing Wrong with Having Needs—and Meeting Them Isn’t it funny 208 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,880 how people-pleasers rush to meet the needs of others, 209 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:16,080 yet dismiss their own? 210 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:20,960 Isn’t it strange how quick they are to take other people’s judgment as 211 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,360 gospel while assuming their own feelings, 212 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:23,760 thoughts, 213 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:25,440 and opinions are relatively worthless? 214 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:31,600 Perhaps you have a fear that not people-pleasing means you are irresponsible, 215 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:32,560 selfish, 216 00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:35,320 or liable to get rejected or judged. 217 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:39,880 Perhaps you feel that you are not as entitled to have your needs met as other 218 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:40,360 people. 219 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:41,080 Or perhaps, 220 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:41,440 like many, 221 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:46,240 you have the unconscious belief - “I only have worth if I am valuable to 222 00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:47,080 other people, 223 00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:48,000 if I please them, 224 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,520 or if I make them happy." 225 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:54,280 We’ll explore all these beliefs in greater detail later in the book. 226 00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:56,320 Occasionally, 227 00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:59,480 a people-pleaser will realize that something’s got to give, 228 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:01,400 and they may lash out, 229 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,640 swing the other way, 230 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:03,920 or suddenly be cold, 231 00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:04,320 harsh, 232 00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:05,000 and selfish. 233 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,120 But this is not the solution, 234 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:07,480 either. 235 00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:12,840 The problem is when you frame a situation as your needs Versus other people’s 236 00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:13,200 needs. 237 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,920 It is never either/or. 238 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:18,760 It’s never a competition for scarce resources. 239 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:20,920 You can have your needs met, 240 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:22,040 and so can they. 241 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:24,960 A people-pleaser asks, 242 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:29,920 “What can I do to get them to like me?” whereas a healthier mindset would 243 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:30,280 have us ask, 244 00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,320 “So what if they don’t like me?" 245 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:36,680 When you untangle yourself from other people’s opinions and judgments, 246 00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:39,920 you free yourself to ask what You want, 247 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:41,160 what you care about, 248 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:42,320 and what you value. 249 00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:43,240 Then, 250 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:44,320 you can act accordingly. 251 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:46,800 When you “live on purpose” this way, 252 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:48,360 you strengthen yourself. 253 00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:51,920 When you live an authentic and value-driven life, 254 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,360 you’re more courageous, 255 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:55,640 so that when others disapprove, 256 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:58,000 it genuinely does not matter. 257 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:03,200 What could other people’s opinions mean to you when you are following your 258 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,440 heart and living the best life you know how? 259 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:09,600 You Are Not Omnipotent. 260 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,200 Now, 261 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:12,880 this may sound crazy, 262 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:16,920 but here’s a mind-blowing thought - people are living their own lives, 263 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:18,680 which has nothing to do with you! 264 00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:20,920 Jokes aside, 265 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:25,360 a people-pleaser may make a continued error whenever they assume that other 266 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:29,000 people’s choices necessarily have something to do with them. 267 00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:30,560 Unconsciously, 268 00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:33,200 they put themselves at the center of everything. 269 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:36,120 If someone was randomly rude to you, 270 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:39,320 you automatically assume it’s because of something you did. 271 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:40,920 But really, 272 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:42,840 isn’t this a little arrogant? 273 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:46,000 Every person has their own life history, 274 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,200 their own mindset, 275 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:48,520 core beliefs, 276 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:50,520 and hidden interior world. 277 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:53,880 Some people don’t even understand their own motivations, 278 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:56,960 let alone make it clear to others why they do what they do! 279 00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,080 It may sound weird, 280 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:05,720 but relax into the fact of your own probable insignificance in most people’s 281 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:06,120 lives. 282 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:09,120 You don’t know what others are thinking and feeling, 283 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:10,240 why they act, 284 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:11,040 or what they want. 285 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:16,120 You don’t always have complete information about any situation and your role 286 00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:16,360 in it. 287 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:17,160 So, 288 00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:20,520 that means you’re off the hook and don’t need to torture yourself with 289 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:23,800 guesses and interpretations for other people’s behaviors. 290 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:28,600 “Why does my mother-in-law treat me this way? 291 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:31,200 Does she do it on purpose? 292 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,520 Maybe she thinks she’s better than me. 293 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,680 Have I possibly offended her?" 294 00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:41,800 One possibility you may have overlooked - you have no idea what’s going on in 295 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,280 your mother-in-law’s world, 296 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:44,680 and in truth, 297 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,640 she has barely given you a thought. 298 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:50,840 Remind yourself that neutral is not negative. 299 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:52,360 Sometimes, 300 00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:56,280 people-pleasers can assume they’ve been rejected when all that’s happened 301 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:57,240 is ...well, 302 00:12:57,240 --> 00:12:58,080 nothing. 303 00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:01,800 Most encounters and interactions are just neutral. 304 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:02,720 And that’s okay. 305 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:07,280 The “Separation Of Tasks” Exercise. 306 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:11,840 Enter the founder of individual psychology, 307 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:14,160 psychiatrist Alfred Adler. 308 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:19,200 His theories placed emphasis on the individual’s need to adjust socially to 309 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:20,560 his or her community. 310 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:21,440 For him, 311 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:26,520 feelings of harmonious belonging within a community were a big part of mental 312 00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:26,800 well-being. 313 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:31,440 According to the authors of the book The Courage to be Disliked, 314 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:35,040 Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, 315 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:38,280 one of the most important things to master is the ability to ask, 316 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:40,480 “Whose task is this?" 317 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:43,000 To explain what this means, 318 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:46,320 consider the Separation of Tasks exercise. 319 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:48,560 Speaking about Adler, 320 00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:49,960 the authors claim that, 321 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:54,560 “All you can do with regard to your own life is choose the best path that you 322 00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:55,080 believe in. 323 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:56,880 On the other hand, 324 00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:00,400 what kind of judgement do people pass on that choice? 325 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:07,000 That is the task of other people and is not a matter you can do anything about." 326 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,800 There are things we have control over, 327 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:10,440 and things we don’t. 328 00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:12,440 Things we are responsible for, 329 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:13,920 and things we aren’t. 330 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,320 Our “job” and others’ jobs. 331 00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:19,920 The trick is to wisely discern the difference. 332 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:23,120 A people-pleaser may anxiously think, 333 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:26,000 “I have to find a way to get this person to like me." 334 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:31,240 But this task of liking someone or not—whose task is it? 335 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,640 An alternative is to say, 336 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:36,560 “It’s up to them to decide if they like me or not." 337 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:43,440 This is a much less anxiety-provoking thought and quite a revelation .- Each 338 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:46,440 person is ultimately responsible for their own opinions, 339 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:47,400 reactions, 340 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:48,480 and actions. 341 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:50,960 It may sound simple, 342 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:54,920 but the ramifications of this short exercise can be profound. 343 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,680 Whenever you are feeling distressed or confused, 344 00:14:57,680 --> 00:14:58,000 ask, 345 00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,760 “What is my task here?" 346 00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:01,960 With work colleagues, 347 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,040 relationships, 348 00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:04,040 family members, 349 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:04,600 or friends, 350 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:08,000 pause and quickly ask if a certain task, 351 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:08,400 idea, 352 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,800 or thought is really your business. 353 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:12,840 Is it your responsibility? 354 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,040 Is it in your scope of control? 355 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:16,160 If not, 356 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:18,720 let it go without guilt. 357 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:23,640 Chronic people-pleasers tend to take on everyone else’s tasks. 358 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,920 We make it our problem to ensure people like us. 359 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,800 We take it upon ourselves to make sure everyone is happy, 360 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:31,440 that there is no conflict, 361 00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:33,960 or that we are in their good books. 362 00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:36,240 And then we’re anxious! 363 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:36,960 For example, 364 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:40,440 you may tie yourself in knots trying to organize Christmas for your family. 365 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:44,240 You have invited two people who are now feuding with one another, 366 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:47,240 and you’re anxiously wondering how to fix it, 367 00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:50,040 how to smooth over everyone’s ruffled feathers, 368 00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,560 and how to make sure the rest of the family still has a nice time. 369 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:58,920 But you could instead pause and ask yourself to separate out their tasks from 370 00:15:58,920 --> 00:15:59,720 your own. 371 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:01,360 You would see that - 372 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:04,600 •It is not your business what goes on between two other people. 373 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:09,960 •You cannot control how people respond to this feud or how they feel. 374 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:14,840 •Your only task is organizing Christmas to the best of your abilities 375 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:18,800 (assuming this is a responsibility you were happy to take on in the first place! 376 00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:20,560 Was that your task ...?). 377 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:23,480 Just asking the question, 378 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:29,280 “What is My task here?” can save you mountains of people-pleasing behavior 379 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,000 and anxiety. 380 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:34,640 When you catch yourself fretting over what others think or feel, 381 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:39,040 pause again to remind yourself that is not your job. 382 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:44,080 The Serenity Prayer is great for people-pleasers since we need to remember the 383 00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,800 difference between what we can control and what we can’t. 384 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:51,560 “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 385 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:55,240 the courage to change the things I cannot accept, 386 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:57,320 and the wisdom to know the difference." 387 00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:58,960 In truth, 388 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:02,160 you can fret over other people’s tasks if you really want to. 389 00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:05,400 But why would you want to when it doesn’t help them and certainly doesn’t 390 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:05,720 help you? 391 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:06,320 Chapter 2 .- Are You Generous? 392 00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:07,560 Or Just Afraid of Rejection? 393 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:14,600 Some of us engage in people-pleasing because we desperately want other 394 00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:15,880 people’s approval, 395 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:17,040 validation, 396 00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:18,040 and liking. 397 00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:19,000 But sometimes, 398 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:22,080 people-pleasing can come from a slightly different place. 399 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:27,080 “Rejection sensitivity” is what it sounds like—the heightened and 400 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,440 unreasonable fear of someone rejecting you. 401 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:30,600 More commonly, 402 00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:30,840 though, 403 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:35,800 the real problem is all the stuff we do to avoid that perceived potential for 404 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:36,400 rejection. 405 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:42,760 One big way we can attempt to avoid the horror of being rejected is to engage 406 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:43,440 in people-pleasing. 407 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:49,400 Many people-pleasers feel awful at the prospect that they should be less kind, 408 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:50,560 less generous, 409 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:51,640 or less forgiving. 410 00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:56,480 But consider this .- Is your motivation really compassion and kindness? 411 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,920 Or is it sometimes an attempt, 412 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:00,760 conscious or unconscious, 413 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:02,480 to try to control people? 414 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:05,280 If you view things this way, 415 00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:08,440 then you quickly realize that letting go of rejection, 416 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:09,080 fears, 417 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:13,560 and people-pleasing behaviors is precisely what will allow you to be more 418 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:14,680 generous—or, 419 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,520 more genuinely generous! 420 00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:19,840 Being giving is a beautiful thing. 421 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:23,680 But it’s less beautiful when it’s purely a strategy to help us moderate 422 00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:24,920 anxiety. 423 00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:31,400 A study in the 2016 academic journal Frontiers in Human Neuroscience (Dominguez 424 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:31,920 et al.) 425 00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:35,880 found that “agreeable” people had a tendency to people-please in order to 426 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,920 avoid social stress. 427 00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:39,960 The researchers discovered, 428 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,800 using fMRI scans, 429 00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:44,840 that when faced with an opportunity to say no, 430 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:49,400 areas of the brain associated with cognitive dissonance lit up. 431 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:50,160 However, 432 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:51,080 when they said yes, 433 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:54,120 those same areas went offline. 434 00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:59,720 What this suggests is that saying yes to requests is a way to reduce inner 435 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:03,880 stress and uneasiness (some might call it guilt!). 436 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:09,920 The authors had actually uncovered the physiological basis for that feeling of 437 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:11,720 “I just can’t say no!" 438 00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:16,000 The fear of rejection causes us distress, 439 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,640 but by saying yes, 440 00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:19,560 we quell that anxiety. 441 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:20,560 So, 442 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:24,920 being generous and giving is not really about the other person at all—it’s 443 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:26,480 about regulating ourselves. 444 00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:27,600 Of course, 445 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,880 this doesn’t always work out so well because by saying yes, 446 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:34,080 we open ourselves to being taken advantage of, 447 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:38,240 to agreeing to things that actually violate our own boundaries, 448 00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:43,680 and to making our own feelings of calm dependent on us being generous and 449 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:44,840 useful to others. 450 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:46,520 So, 451 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,840 what happens when we really do need to say no? 452 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,120 Fearing rejection, 453 00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:55,000 we may fail to set limits and boundaries, 454 00:19:55,000 --> 00:20:00,080 and we seem to get stuck in one-sided relationships with people who take and 455 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:00,800 take. 456 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,960 But once we’re in these situations, 457 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,960 we may feel even less able to say no—in other words, 458 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:10,560 the anxiety about being rejected actually increases. 459 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:11,960 For example, 460 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:15,640 you’ve agreed to look after your friend’s dog even though you really 461 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:16,280 don’t have the time. 462 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:21,240 You said yes just to keep the peace and avoid awkwardness ... But now he’s 463 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:23,920 asked you to look after the dog again. 464 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:25,600 And he keeps asking. 465 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:31,200 The pressure to say yes is even greater now (you’ve set a precedent, 466 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:31,640 haven’t you?), 467 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:34,080 so you keep saying yes. 468 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:35,320 Before you know it, 469 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:40,200 you’re trapped in a sickening and reinforcing cycle of guilt and obligation. 470 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:43,200 Perhaps in all this, 471 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,200 your own dog sits at home, 472 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,200 missing out on her walks while you’re away, 473 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,240 which makes you feel awful. 474 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:53,640 You give and give and give, 475 00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:56,400 and yet you have low self-worth, 476 00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:57,240 you’re stressed, 477 00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:58,560 and you’re resentful. 478 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:00,760 In comparison, 479 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:05,120 the prospect of being rejected by your friend if you had said no suddenly 480 00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:07,240 doesn’t seem so bad! 481 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:13,280 Rejection sensitivity is more common than you’d think ...and the irony is 482 00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:16,800 that it often has the opposite of the intended effect. 483 00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:17,640 For example - 484 00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:21,360 •You’re terrified of being rejected in a big job interview, 485 00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:23,600 but this makes you behave in meek, 486 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:26,040 unconfident ways during that interview, 487 00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:30,080 causing the interviewers to pass you over for someone with more faith in 488 00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:30,800 themselves. 489 00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:33,560 •Meeting new people, 490 00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:38,120 your desperate need to impress causes you to hog the conversation and be 491 00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:38,600 boastful. 492 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:40,640 They’re not impressed. 493 00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:42,440 •In dating, 494 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:46,000 your fear of rejection may lead you to waste time with people you don’t 495 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:46,800 actually like. 496 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:51,240 By doing whatever you can to avoid them rejecting you, 497 00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:57,360 you miss out on a crucial detail - you’re not keen on them yourself! 498 00:21:57,360 --> 00:22:01,920 How To Break The Fear Of Rejection Cycle. 499 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:05,040 Rejection is a normal part of life. 500 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:08,400 The weird things we do to avoid rejection, 501 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:08,800 however, 502 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:10,400 can be far from normal! 503 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:13,400 In their bid to be accepted by others, 504 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:15,640 people-pleasers can be timid, 505 00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:16,640 neurotic, 506 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,240 and inauthentic. 507 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:18,800 Worse still, 508 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:21,400 others may perceive them as false, 509 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:22,720 passive aggressive, 510 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:24,000 or even manipulative, 511 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:28,880 creating a self-fulfilling prophesy where people actually may feel pushed to 512 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:29,680 reject them. 513 00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:33,640 The good news is that this is all fixable. 514 00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:34,760 No, 515 00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:36,640 we cannot avoid rejection, 516 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:41,240 and there is no way to magically make everyone accept and embrace us. 517 00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:46,280 But we can make sure that we don’t let the sting of rejection spiral out of 518 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:48,720 control and hurt more than it needs to. 519 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:54,880 Travis Corigan created the Rejection Inoculation Program, 520 00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:59,240 and his strategy is not to twist you out of shape so nobody ever rejects you 521 00:22:59,240 --> 00:22:59,520 again. 522 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:00,040 Rather, 523 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:04,560 it’s to make sure that the next time you are rejected (and it will happen), 524 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:07,160 you are resilient against it, 525 00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:08,240 and though it may hurt, 526 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:11,320 it doesn’t shake your self-worth to its core. 527 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:16,520 Corigan’s technique is a form of what psychologists call exposure therapy. 528 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:20,280 You repeatedly expose yourself to the feared stimulus, 529 00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:23,000 but in a safe environment that you control. 530 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:25,880 Why go through all this torture? 531 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:30,880 Because you are undoing a core belief at the root of people-pleasing behavior 532 00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:33,200 .- I cannot survive rejection. 533 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,480 I must avoid it at all costs. 534 00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:36,360 The thing is, 535 00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:38,960 this belief is actually not true. 536 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:40,360 You can survive it, 537 00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:45,400 and the only way to prove this to yourself is to willingly experience rejection 538 00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:46,880 and notice how you feel. 539 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:52,000 Corigan’s program has three easy steps - 1. 540 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,840 Set Yourself A Quota. 541 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:55,280 2. 542 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:57,000 Set A Time Domain. 543 00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:58,200 3. 544 00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:00,200 Make Attempts To Hit That Quota. 545 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,480 What’s a quota? 546 00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:05,600 It’s simply the number of times you are rejected. 547 00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:09,720 Yup—you are deliberately seeking out rejection. 548 00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:15,840 Merely framing rejection as something that you ask for and are in control of 549 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:18,040 takes some of its power away. 550 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:21,560 See the whole exercise as a game or challenge, 551 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:23,800 and not some life-or-death agony. 552 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:29,720 “By turning the thing you most want to avoid into the key performance 553 00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:31,640 indicator (K. P. I. ) 554 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:35,160 that you should optimize is a righteous trick for your brain. 555 00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:41,280 You utilize one part of your motivation centers to break this log jam between 556 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:45,720 two competing motivations you have - the life you want for yourself and your 557 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:50,480 primate programming that being rejected from the tribe means death,” says 558 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:50,880 Corigan. 559 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:53,640 The approach may sound terrifying, 560 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:57,800 but it’s a brilliant way to completely turn your mindset upside down. 561 00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:01,200 If you run screaming from rejection, 562 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:04,760 you may think it’s a triumph when you don’t have to experience it. 563 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:06,040 On the other hand, 564 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:10,040 never experiencing it allows you to fear it all the more. 565 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:12,560 Rejection becomes a big, 566 00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:15,320 terrifying black hole in your psyche, 567 00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:18,720 and when you eventually do encounter it (because, 568 00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:19,040 again, 569 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:19,680 you will!), 570 00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:24,640 you are unprepared and in the worst possible position to cope with it. 571 00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:29,080 When you “inoculate yourself” against rejection and actually rehearse the 572 00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:29,600 process, 573 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:31,200 you realize something. 574 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:33,680 Rejection is not that big a deal. 575 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:37,000 That queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach, 576 00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:39,160 that awful hot feeling on your face, 577 00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:44,880 and that sinking sense of dread and self-loathing ...it’s all transient. 578 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:45,560 Who cares? 579 00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:48,480 Open your eyes and look around—you’re still alive, 580 00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:50,560 you’re still a worthy human being, 581 00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:53,040 and the world didn’t end. 582 00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:54,520 And what’s more, 583 00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:57,240 there may be a new stirring inside you, 584 00:25:57,240 --> 00:25:59,760 something a little like confidence. 585 00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:04,960 Let’s look at an example of the inoculation program in the context of being 586 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:07,640 overly generous and not saying no. 587 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:12,280 Katie is the biggest martyr you’ll ever meet. 588 00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:16,720 She’s a teacher’s assistant who regularly buys things for her students from 589 00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:20,160 her own pocket and stays late after school to help struggling kids. 590 00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:24,040 She volunteers for more organizations and charities than she can count. 591 00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:30,240 She tirelessly dedicates most of her weekends to organizing community events 592 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:32,600 and babysitting her nieces and nephews, 593 00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:35,560 or helping her elderly mother with errands. 594 00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:38,040 She does all this because she’s a good, 595 00:26:38,040 --> 00:26:39,040 kind person. 596 00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:43,360 She also does it because she’s terrified that if she says no, 597 00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:46,840 all these people will angrily abandon her. 598 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:48,840 As you can imagine, 599 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:55,240 Katie has extremely low self-worth that is entirely conditional on how much she 600 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:56,080 does for others. 601 00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:59,440 She’s frequently exhausted and stressed out, 602 00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:04,880 but at least all this work proves her value and prevents others from rejecting 603 00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:05,240 her, 604 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:06,080 right? 605 00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:09,960 She tried out a version of Corigan’s program, 606 00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:16,000 and it looked like this - Quota - start by politely saying no to a request I 607 00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:17,120 don’t have time for, 608 00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:22,000 and not budging no matter how guilty I feel or am made to feel Do this at 609 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,680 least once a week to start, 610 00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:26,120 just to test it out. 611 00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:28,440 Increase frequency later on. 612 00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:31,520 Katie comes down with the flu. 613 00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:34,560 The school has let her take some time off, 614 00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:39,320 but Katie’s mother sees this as an opportunity to ask Katie to come over to 615 00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:41,640 her house and help her clean out her basement, 616 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:43,240 “Since you’re free." 617 00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:46,040 Katie takes a deep breath, 618 00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:46,760 and says, 619 00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:49,280 “I’m feeling pretty exhausted, 620 00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:49,680 Mom. 621 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:51,760 I think it’s a no from me." 622 00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:54,000 Then she waits. 623 00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:55,800 She doesn’t apologize, 624 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:57,680 she doesn’t beg forgiveness, 625 00:27:57,680 --> 00:28:02,960 and she doesn’t immediately leap in with an alternative suggestion to soften 626 00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:03,440 her no. 627 00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:06,560 Are you wondering what happens next? 628 00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:07,480 Well, 629 00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:12,640 the truth is that Katie’s mother’s response is not all that relevant. 630 00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:17,840 Katie has already decided that she will say no and stick to it no matter what 631 00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:18,880 response she gets. 632 00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:23,760 That’s because she is acting for herself and not for some desired response 633 00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:24,280 from others. 634 00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:30,160 She is untangling herself from people-pleasing and reconnecting with the idea 635 00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:31,040 of pleasing herself. 636 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,360 In a later chapter, 637 00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:38,960 we’ll look more closely at boundary setting and how to say no assertively yet 638 00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:40,160 with kindness. 639 00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:40,800 But for now, 640 00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:41,880 like Katie, 641 00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:47,440 the idea is simply to become proactive and deliberately seek rejection on your 642 00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:49,080 own terms. 643 00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:52,360 Katie’s mother doesn’t in fact disown her, 644 00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:54,400 even if she’s a little surprised. 645 00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:56,240 The next week, 646 00:28:56,240 --> 00:29:00,560 Katie says no when the school demands she organizes the bake sale. 647 00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:03,880 She notices that the more she says no, 648 00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:09,120 the easier it becomes because of three important insights - 1. 649 00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:13,200 The rejection she assumed was coming didn’t in fact come, 650 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:14,320 and 2. 651 00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:15,080 If it did come, 652 00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:17,640 it wasn’t as bad as she predicted it would be, 653 00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:19,280 and 3. 654 00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:20,480 If it was that bad, 655 00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:25,560 she realized that she was more than able to cope with it! 656 00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:26,800 Over the course of a few months, 657 00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:31,800 Katie challenges the core belief that I cannot survive rejection. 658 00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:34,200 I must avoid it at all costs. 659 00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:36,560 She replaces it with new ones. 660 00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:39,040 Rejection is not the end of the world. 661 00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:41,520 I am a good person even if I say no, 662 00:29:41,520 --> 00:29:43,960 and even if someone rejects me for it. 663 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:47,080 I can cope with people being unhappy with me. 664 00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:50,040 How you set your quota, 665 00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:51,440 what your quota is, 666 00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:53,720 and what time frame you choose is up to you. 667 00:29:53,720 --> 00:30:00,320 You could decide you want to make one cold call a day at work and count the 668 00:30:00,320 --> 00:30:02,280 times people turn down your pitch. 669 00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:05,920 You could aim to talk to a new person every three days. 670 00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:09,040 You could commit to reaching out to romantic interests, 671 00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:14,440 or take the risk of inviting relatively new friends to meet up and get to know 672 00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:15,120 each other better. 673 00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:20,120 The big difference is that you are not running away from rejection but 674 00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:22,240 encountering it in a controlled, 675 00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:23,640 deliberate fashion. 676 00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:30,520 Here are a few things to keep in mind as you try Corigan’s approach - Have 677 00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:31,600 Self-Compassion. 678 00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:34,320 Think of someone you love, 679 00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:38,840 and now imagine them experiencing the pain of rejection. 680 00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:42,640 Do you feel like laughing and jeering at them, 681 00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:44,000 or think that they’re losers? 682 00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:45,680 Do you feel like saying, 683 00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:47,960 “Don’t be such a baby,” or, 684 00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:50,240 “Maybe they’re right to reject you”? 685 00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:51,920 Chances are, 686 00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:53,880 you just feel kind, 687 00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:55,920 tender compassion. 688 00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:57,520 You want to hug them and say, 689 00:30:57,520 --> 00:30:58,680 “Don’t worry, 690 00:30:58,680 --> 00:30:59,840 it doesn’t matter. 691 00:30:59,840 --> 00:31:01,800 I still think you’re awesome!" 692 00:31:01,800 --> 00:31:07,000 Try to see if you can have that very same reaction to yourself when you 693 00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:08,160 experience rejection. 694 00:31:08,160 --> 00:31:10,120 Acknowledge that it hurts. 695 00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:12,800 Not just for you but for every human being. 696 00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:15,040 It’s okay to feel bad about it. 697 00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:16,760 At the same time, 698 00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:20,360 you accept both yourself and the emotions you’re feeling. 699 00:31:20,360 --> 00:31:25,680 Rejection is hard enough without feeling bad about feeling bad! 700 00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:29,760 Challenge Your Narratives. 701 00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:35,200 Let’s say you never ask anyone out because you’re afraid of them rejecting 702 00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:35,520 you. 703 00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:37,600 The story you tell yourself is, 704 00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:39,200 “If I ask people out, 705 00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:41,520 they’ll be offended and annoyed, 706 00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:44,800 and they may even be rude or insulting to me." 707 00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:47,520 So you don’t ask anyone out, 708 00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:51,080 but this means that you never get to test the truth of this narrative. 709 00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:54,440 If you deliberately seek out rejection, 710 00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:54,560 though, 711 00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:57,640 you discover that this story is pretty inaccurate. 712 00:31:57,640 --> 00:31:59,840 People may well reject you, 713 00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:05,480 but instead their response is to be flattered and surprised and to kindly and 714 00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:06,240 politely say no, 715 00:32:06,240 --> 00:32:09,000 letting you know they still appreciate the effort. 716 00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:11,680 Unless you test out your narrative, 717 00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:11,800 though, 718 00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:14,720 you never give yourself the chance to correct it. 719 00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:19,200 You think you are sparing yourself some pain by clinging to the old narrative. 720 00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:22,520 But what about the pain of forever believing such a story? 721 00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:25,000 What about the low self-esteem it brings, 722 00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:26,640 the distrust of others, 723 00:32:26,640 --> 00:32:27,920 the pessimism? 724 00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:33,080 What about all the opportunities that you miss because you believe that story? 725 00:32:33,080 --> 00:32:38,280 Focus On Process And Not Outcome. 726 00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:42,000 Who is in control of your world? 727 00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:44,960 What determines your state of mind? 728 00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:47,160 For people-pleasers, 729 00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:51,360 their sense of worth always seems to rest outside of themselves. 730 00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:53,720 They give that power to others. 731 00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:55,440 If they think you’re good, 732 00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:56,160 then you’re good. 733 00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:57,360 If they think you’re bad, 734 00:32:57,360 --> 00:32:58,720 then that’s what you are. 735 00:32:58,720 --> 00:33:00,080 Furthermore, 736 00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:03,560 a people-pleaser always cares about the outcome. 737 00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:04,960 Will they approve? 738 00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:06,000 What will they say? 739 00:33:06,000 --> 00:33:08,880 What should you do to ensure the “right” outcome? 740 00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:15,120 But this “external locus of control” and a focus on outcome saps the joy 741 00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:17,200 out of life and makes you feel powerless. 742 00:33:17,200 --> 00:33:18,520 To counter it, 743 00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:21,000 focus instead on the process, 744 00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:22,400 not on the outcome. 745 00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:23,600 For example, 746 00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:25,160 with Corigan’s exercise, 747 00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:29,640 you make progress every time you act to fill your quota. 748 00:33:29,640 --> 00:33:31,080 That is something you are in control of. 749 00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:36,400 Your quota is not to elicit any particular response from anyone else—it’s 750 00:33:36,400 --> 00:33:38,600 only about you and your actions. 751 00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:41,440 Give yourself credit for trying, 752 00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:45,760 and forget about what other people think of those attempts or what comes of 753 00:33:45,760 --> 00:33:45,960 them. 754 00:33:45,960 --> 00:33:49,720 The process of challenging limiting beliefs, 755 00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:55,600 of facing your fear—this is where the value lies no matter what the result is! 756 00:33:55,600 --> 00:34:00,280 This has been 757 00:34:00,280 --> 00:34:02,000 Stand Up For Yourself, 758 00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:03,200 Set Boundaries, 759 00:34:03,200 --> 00:34:13,120 & Stop Pleasing Others (if that’s okay with you…) (Be Confident and Fearless Book 9) Written by 760 00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:19,920 Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.