Welcome back to become a calm mama. I'm your host. I'm Darlynn

Childress. I'm a life and parenting coach. And a

couple of weeks ago, I did a series on being

on the same page with your co parent. And I mentioned

in that episode different parenting styles, and

I realized that I haven't really done an episode just on

parenting styles themselves. I've talked a little bit about

permissive parenting and traditional parenting.

But what I wanted to do on this episode is really kinda lay out in

parent education the 4

primary parenting styles and

then kind of give you some ideas about how to become

more aware of yourself. So I'm gonna jump right into

this. Now when we

talk about parenting styles, it's very easy

for anyone to think like, okay, what kind of parent are

you? What style are you? And or if you're, like,

in a co parenting situation, you're, like, you are a permissive parent or

something like that. You wanna judge others. And I actually

want to frame this conversation and help

you see that the type of parenting styles, they're

not in separate silos. They're more like

a a spectrum. And all of us, I

think, at certain times in our parenting

fall into a of these, types of styles.

And if you are outside of what you

where you want to be in this connected parenting that

I teach you a in the model that we're gonna talk about today, it's

the authoritative parenting

style. So this is sort of like the centered

a space that we're all working towards as parents.

And then sometimes we kind of slip into

a more authoritarian type

of parenting where we are more about

control or power and, you know, really being super

direct and not taking into our kids' feelings and

emotions and what's going on for them. That can

become when you're you're you're seeing yourself more like, oh, look at me.

I'm being really controlling or I'm, you know,

being, you know, really, kinda mean or something like that. Right?

So if you see yourself there, I want you to just

notice that. And I'm gonna go into, like, what to do if you notice that.

But you might see yourself slipping into this, like, hyper a,

or you might slip see yourself slipping into more of a permissive

or a what we call neglectful parent or

uninvolved parent. I hate the word neglectful because it's

so, sharp and mean

sounding. A, essentially, the other types of parenting

are more of a permissive where instead of trying to get

control back, you act as if you don't have control and you let

control go. So that would be a permissive parenting.

And then a detached I actually think of it as detached or

disengaged. So this neglectful parent is more like,

I don't care what happens. Right?

I'm not I'm not involved. I I I this is too much for me

and and a parent can detach. So So I share this real quick

before we even get into the details of each one because I really want you

to see that there are moments in your parenting where sometimes

you are more a. And there are moments

in your parenting where you might be more permissive. There are

also going to be times in your life where you might

be unengaged.

And that those periods of time don't make you a bad

parent. So while we're talking about the different styles,

I if you're like, oh, wow. That I do that a lot. Oh my god.

That must be so bad. Oh my goodness. I'm such a bad parent.

No. I that's not helpful. All I want you to see is

maybe become more aware. See where you are falling

and bring yourself back towards what we think of in parent

education as authoritative a parenting.

So let me get into it a little bit, give you an idea more more,

specific idea about what each one is. So I'm gonna go over

4 parenting styles. Now these were

identified by a developmental psychologist

named Diana Baumrin in the 19

sixties. She identified 3 main parenting styles.

She was the first one to say we have the authoritarian,

which is like the dictator or the drill sergeant.

We have the indulgent or permissive parent. She called it a.

And we have the authoritative

parent. And then later, a 4th was

added this neglectful or uninvolved one.

So like I said, none of us fit into one of these

categories, but we do have tendencies. And I think as

a as a parent who now has adult adults I've

raised adults, 2 of them. I can see at different periods

of my life that I maybe was more authoritarian

at some points. I was more permissive at others and

I actually have been an a and detached at

other times. And

I calm so gentle with myself. I've just learned to be so

gentle with myself and just be more curious. Like, wow. That was a period of

my life where I felt very out of control and I felt very afraid and

I felt like the kids were, you know, going on a bad path and I

kinda pulled in and I got too tight and too strict and too harsh,

especially in the beginning when I didn't have any tools. And then

there's other times when I don't have capacity or whatever, and I'm like,

I don't a, and I'm just too permissive. And those are times

when my co parent, my husband, he's like, aren't you gonna do something about

that? I'm like, dude, aren't you gonna do something about that?

A, anyway, that's a different that's a different podcast.

Okay. So we are that's the history

of the different, styles. So let's go into them.

Authoritarian really is like a dictator.

That's how I think of it. A lot of times, this is called the drill

sergeant. I guess you can think of it that

way. But a when I really

think about the authoritarian parenting style, I actually think of

it as traditional parenting is how I think of it. It's

like these are the rules and you must obey

a if you don't, here are the consequences.

A there's no room in this model for conversations

about emotions or circumstances that maybe

you need support with with your adults, with the parents in your

lives. So the

authoritarian parent wants to have a high

level of control over their children. So

they are not taking their kids' feelings into a,

and they aren't, allowing for

sort of conversations around what was going on, why did

you act that way, is there a else happening, do you

need a. Right? So imagine you have a

kid in your family that's very impulsive,

and doesn't know how to regulate their emotions as well as maybe

your other child. And so you have one kid who hits,

right, or screams or just kinda loses it. And then you have the

other kid that's quote a like the good one. I don't think of it that

way but you know they just have a little bit more access

to emotional regulation. And then you have this one

kid who, like, say a sibling

is, like, kind of the non aggressor, but that doesn't

mean that they don't instigate or

make comments under their breath or, you know, do some sort

of slight, you know, slight like, they slight their sibling.

But you have this kid who's like, you know,

don't yell at me, screaming back at them and, like, grabbing their toys

and ripping up their papers and acting out their big

feelings. And this in authoritarian, the parent would say, that's

enough. Stop it and possibly even spank that child without

ever going to the child and saying, hey.

You must be upset because you're hitting what's going on and allowing

the kid to speak and to,

problem solve. And that conversation with the parent that's

so vital for development gets shut down.

So this is like the shut a it down parent. Right?

They're like a, you know, whatever they got to do, like, you know,

to scream, yell, whatever it is.

Now most of the time, authoritarian parenting,

the earlier years when the child is little, there's

usually some sort of spanking going on, and that

triggers a fear response in the child

and ultimately gives the relationship makes the relationship

sort of sort of based on, I better listen or I'm gonna get hurt,

possibly even physically hurt, or I'm gonna get emotionally rejected.

And so that that is established at some point

in the parenting, and then you sort of look like you have very well

behaved kids. But what they are actually

doing is they are responding from stress and fear,

and they're not really responding from, you

know, true mental health and

actual true mental regulation or emotional

regulation. So the

bummer is like you have this well behaved kid,

but a lot of times that child may not be

well behaved in other environments or they may have a lot

of social skills. They have a lot of repressed emotion.

They don't know how to process it, and they may show that

might act out in in terms of social skills. So they

might be, angry, and they might be angry

angry with their peers. They might, have a lot of

hostility and aggression. It could show up just as, like, poor self

esteem. If I don't know how to deal with my feelings and how to express

them a I don't think that they matter, I then lose my

ability to believe that what I

think and feel is important. What that what I want

is a, and it starts to cut off parts of yourself

when you're raised in this model. Now, I

wanna remind you that you may act this way

sometimes, but that doesn't mean this is the type of parent

you are. Or maybe you see yourself in this a you're

like, I am high control. I do make all the

decisions. I don't give my children room to talk and

help them communicate better and learn skills. That's

fine. Be being aware of that and

wanting to change is so important.

Keep listening to this podcast. Reach out to me. Book one of those

free complimentary consultations that I have so that you you and I

can talk about it. That's always available to you.

Now you might when you

notice yourself being in this space, what I do when I noticed that

I'm being really, like, I wanna, you know, bring the hammer down on the kids

or, you know, really, like, I'm gonna just give him a bunch of rules and,

like, I'm gonna, you know, give him a big a shame lecture. I

felt this way a times and, like, I I'm like, I just wanna be like,

what's wrong with you? Stop, you know, messing up or whatever.

I tend to be you know, because I've been practicing this type of, you know,

calm calm mama stuff for a long time, I don't tend to act

those out, but I've noticed I'll I'll notice that I'm

I want to. So maybe you a that you want

to come down on them really, really strong.

Right? Or you are coming down on your kid. And you're like,

that's enough. Don't you do that. This is your consequence. You're not going to Disneyland

with us and, like, you're just kind of really really strict.

What I believe is that

deep down, none of us wanna act this way. And

that most of the time for me at least and maybe for you

is that there's something that I'm worried about.

I am worried that this behavior is gonna keep

going a they're not gonna change and they're not gonna grow. And I feel

like it's an emergency and I need to shut it down or

else. And I get into a little bit of a panic and I overreact.

I overparent. A when I talk about overparenting,

this is where that's coming from. Usually, it's

love underneath because I'm worried about them, and

I want them to be okay. And I I'm scared. And so

I might come at them really, you know, too too

firm a without connection. I

teach consequences in this model. I am okay with strong

boundaries and strong follow through. But if there's the

absence of emotional connection, then that means I'm

in the I'm too I'm too authoritarian.

So you're gonna be looking at it for yourself and then

getting curious of, like, my question for you would be

why why am I acting this way? What am I worried about?

And then when you figure out what you're worried about, then you can set better

limits and better boundaries a maybe there does need to be some consequences for

behavior. But you're gonna slow your role a little bit and come

at it from that authoritative

place, from that calm place.

Right? Once you get calm, then you connect. Once you

connect, you set your limits, and you follow through with your consequences.

Okay. Let's get into this uninvolved

or disengaged, parent. So,

actually, no. I'm gonna skip. I wanna go to the permissive parent. I've talked a

lot about permissive parenting on here because

so many of us are worried

that we are going to become too

dictator ish. Right? We're worried that we're gonna be like our

parents and shut our kids down, and we don't wanna be

mean. So and we don't wanna be a, and

so we end up sometimes showing up too

permissive. Now you that's

your attentive and your warm, but your rules, you might

have a lot of rules, but you don't really enforce them.

So sometimes with indulgent or permissive parenting,

the priority of being liked by your kid is higher

than your need to be their parent.

So when we are in this,

state of, like, needing our kids to feel connected to

us and to like us, it can be hard Become the truth is

when you say to your child, like, you're not

going to get ice cream because you spit

on your brother earlier a then you kicked me, And

I don't wanna have to worry about you doing that at the ice cream store.

So you're gonna stay here with your other parent, a

grandparent, or babysitter, or whoever, and we will see you in

a little while. Now that's a real extreme

consequence. Some of you are like, what? You wouldn't take

them? I wouldn't do that all the

time. But, yeah, I might say in the morning, guess

what? I am happy to especially if we already had the plan.

Right? We're all going to, you know, get ice cream

later today after school, and I'll be happy to take you as long as there

are no problems. So a set it up a then

they hit kick, punch, bit. Right? Act out. I

say, you know, make sense, your big feelings, but I don't have to worry about

those big feelings coming out at this place, so we're not gonna take

you. Now maybe you don't do

that consequence. You could do any consequence you want. Okay? But

your child is going to be upset. Okay? Anytime

a kid experiences a consequence, they have emotion around it because

they're human beings. And they're going to, at

first, feel like they're mad at you.

And we wanna be super neutral about it and super kind and super

loving so that they can realize that it's really

about their behavior a it's not about you trying to punish them

or hurt them. But if you are overly

worried that your kids are not going to

like you, you will have a hard time enforcing consequences.

So what happens when you have this permissive

model is that a lot of

times kids, they don't get the rules that they

need in order to grow. Like, they don't you you're like,

okay. We'll just read books or you can just fall asleep with me or you

don't have to brush your teeth or it's not a big deal. No problem.

It's okay. And you just kind of like, let's go get candy together or

whatever. Oh, you're sad. Here. Here's a popsicle or whatever.

Then a lot of times the kids, they miss out on really important things

they need to grow. They need sleep. They need healthy

food. They need to brush their teeth. Right? They need to wear clothes

that are appropriate so they don't hurt their feet. So

when we have when we're too permissive, the

problem is that our kids may not end up, you

know, getting the type of safety they need.

Some of the other problems with overly permissive

parent is that a lot of times the

kid may not, you know, do their schoolwork or, you know, do

their, like, life life a. Go, you know, stick to

the team or whatever it is. Oh, you don't wanna go today? Okay. No

problem. And the child just misses out on lots of opportunities

to grow and learn and become who they're meant

to be. The other problem is that

because this is a very child centered, not family

centered a. So if you think about

the authoritarian, they're parent

centered. If you think about permissive, it's child

centered. I like to think of things as family centered

or community centered, like what works for all of us? What

is best for everyone? Not what's best for me or what's best for

you, but what's best for the group and working

together to figure that out sometimes. But if you have a kid

who's very you know, feels like they're child centric, they go to school and

the school environment is not child centric. And they don't know what to do

with those that feeling of not getting

their way. They don't know what to do with disappointment. They don't know how to

deal with the with boredom. They don't know how to deal with a

consequence. And so you're giving them this you're they're

missing an opportunity to grow their own emotional

resilience. They're learning their their, they're losing

the opportunity to self soothe and to self regulate

because their parent is indulging and giving in.

Now I notice that I give in

or am overly permissive when I am

tired, when I've done a lot and I've had too much

going on and I don't have the capacity to hold the

children accountable for consequences or for their for

boundaries or for limits. I will find myself

just, you know, like, who cares? It's fine, you

know? And there is room for

that. It's okay. It's

okay to not always follow

through, but I want you just to be aware if

you consistently aren't following through or

your children seem to be some I mean, all children are gonna look to

us like entitled and selfish because they are children. They are

egocentric. But when you are noticing

that you're like, okay. You guys can have, you know, snack

after you've tidied up and, like, put your shoes in the shoe

bin, something small like that. And then they're like, I'm

so hungry, mama. And they're crying, and they're

like, you told us you were gonna give us brownies, and now you're making us

put your shoes away. And you have a boundary. You're like, I will give you

brownies once you guys have cleaned up just so we can move the the

afternoon along. And then, ah, they start crying. And

then you go, okay. Fine. And

you give them the snack first. And then from snack,

you know, you're a parent, they immediately go run around and they have all the

energy a you're like, oh, no. I gave them too much sugar, and now they

don't wanna clean up. Let's burn off the sugar. And then you burn off

the sugar, and then you're like, oh, now it's time to go. And you keep

kind of excusing the behavior because

you aren't comfortable with their resistance or you're

making excuses for how come they're acting that way. The

problem with permissive parenting is it leads to resentment

Become then all of a sudden you're like, I'm doing everything around here. These

kids don't know how to do anything, and it calm be super frustrating.

And so noticing okay. I'm tired today. I

don't care. Here's a brownie, whatever. But if

you start to see that resentment coming in, if you start to see

yourself kind of, oh, wow. We have some patterns here in my family

or my children really aren't listening to me, you wanna

pull away from permission permissive parenting and move back into

that center a authoritative

model, the calm mama model.

So some of us, we

fail or, like, not fail, but, we're weak in a,

and some of us are weak in limit setting.

So noticing where where's my gap here?

And for me, personally, it has changed at different periods of

my life. If I'm going through a ton of really hard things in my

life, then I might be more permissive.

Or if I'm feeling very stressed, I might become more

authoritarian and and more controlled.

So you can swing. It's okay.

But find that balance back in the center between

connection and limit set and correction, all kinda together.

And the way that you get there is through calm every time.

Go back, take care of yourself, become aware,

self regulate, take a beat, check-in with

yourself, self love, compassion, all of that.

Alright. So where does this, neglectful

or uninvolved or disengaged parent come in?

For me, I've noticed that

there are times when I don't have

capacity to connect or limit set.

So that's how I see it. It's like you've got the

authoritarian, too many consequences. Right?

Overcorrection. You've got

the permissive parent, over a, not enough a

set. Then you have this,

quote, unquote, neglectful parent, uninvolved, disengaged.

This is the parent who's like, I'm not connecting

emotionally nor am I setting limits

or following through a consequences. Now

I have been here, particularly

when I have experienced death in my

family or in my life. There are have been

a. So I had 3 people very close to me die within 3

years of each other. And that was intense. I'll tell you

that. And it was like, you just get over 1

and then I was like calm my very good friend Jenny died. And then a

year later, my mom a. And then a year later, my sister died.

And the I got better about grief. But

the first time when Jenny died, it was like I

was gone. I was completely uninvolved.

I was completely disengaged. I was unattached at

that time, and it was hard for me,

but I took because of my kids. Right? I felt worried about them.

And I actually ended up during that season of time

allowing other people to love me and love my kids.

I let Kevin, my husband, step in more and

be a parent too. And those were good good

experiences for my kids. They became more resilient when I

wasn't kind of right in the center spoke, right, of, like,

the center of the wheel and making sure all of

the life went, you know, in a circle. Right? Got got going.

There's been a few times in my life where I am checked out,

and this might happen to you because of something in

a circumstance. It could happen because of an illness.

It could happen because you are going into your own trauma and you're

doing some deep healing. It could happen because of your own mental

health. And you might be struggling deeply with, with

depression or anxiety. And like, that's

I think what was true for my mom is that she was neglectful

because of her own depression. And

so it's like she and she didn't have resources

back then to she didn't know and she did you know, she wasn't

diagnosed with depression until I was already in college. She didn't receive

any medicine until I was in college a it actually transformed her

life and she was much more present. So if

you are struggling, you could also this could also happen because of

drug a or alcohol. So

most of the time, a neglectful, uninvolved, disengaged parent

isn't like a person who doesn't give a

shit. Like, that's just not true. It's a person, a

human who's struggling to take care of themselves and they don't have

the capacity to take care of someone else. So

a, we don't want to raise our kids in that environment long term,

temporarily makes sense. Noticing yourself in that

place, getting some support, getting some help reaching

out, and and then going back

to okay. Now the the ship, we're not at

sea. We're not being tossed in these waves. We're kind of settling, and

then you can then go to connect. That's where you wanna land after

being in an in a period of time where you're unattached.

I want you to focus on connection. Don't worry about limits. Don't

worry about a. That'll come. Connect, connect, connect,

heal, heal, heal, and then the limits and consequences will

come really easily. Okay. So those are the

3 that are quote, unquote, like,

what I read when I was researching Childress, it was like a gold standard of

parenting is authoritative. Woo hoo. The one that you're learning on

this podcast. And I was like, okay. So there's a gold standard, like,

this article from Parents A, the gold standard. I'm like, well, what what do

we call the other ones? I don't know. I just think of it as a

spectrum, like I said. You've got author

a on one side, permissive on the other, authoritative in the

middle. And then this neglectful one, I think you're, like, off the spectrum. Like,

you're below you're below it because you're actually not parenting.

So we a get back to the middle, and I think of it instead of,

like, if you think a authoritarian or

a word authority. One model

says, I am the authority.

Right? That's the authoritarian. I am the authority.

You are not the authority to the child. Right? Then the

permissive is like, you are the authority to the child,

By the way, terrifying a the children are like, I'm a little kid. I should

not be in charge. So we have, you know,

I am the authority or the child is a. And then with

authoritative, I think of it as like I have the authority.

I hold it. I am the adult. I am the

grown up. I have it for now, and the

whole process of adolescence is handling handing the authority

of someone's life over to them. So we want our children

to always feel really, really safe with us that

we have the authority within

us and that we are always, like, with our you know,

that we've got it together. They can trust a.

And that we are here guiding.

Sometimes there's like this, I, this parenting philosophy called the a

parenting. And it's like, I don't really understand

it, to be honest, because it doesn't make any sense to me Become, like, the

boats are in the water a you're the lighthouse. So they're just you're

just blinking. I don't know. But whatever. The idea with this lighthouse parenting

is, like, being the guide. And I'm like, but

I'm on the boat with the children. I don't know. Anyway

but I want my kids, and I want your kids

to feel very safe with you

that you have the you know, that you understand the world

and that you're gonna take care of them and that you know best.

You have to believe that a that there's

room for them, that their thoughts

and feelings matter, that your relationship with them

is more important than winning or controlling or

being liked, that you

want your children to understand

that whenever you set a boundary and you follow through on it, whenever you

have a limit or they experience a consequence that you are

approaching that very thoughtfully, very

respectfully, and that you're gonna communicate it and then allow them

to share their negative feelings with you.

It's okay for them to be mad at you, and it's okay for

you to have rules. So

it and that actually feels very, very good to your children.

The author the authority. Right? Having the authority, I think of it

a, like, having the wisdom too. Like, if I am aware and

I'm not trying to get control and I'm not afraid a I'm not, you know,

in this negative space, and I'm like, god, this bedtime

thing is a disaster, then I can start to

step back from it with my a, and I can set some boundaries.

These kids are not, like, cleaning up or they're not, you know, they're not

listening. Whatever it is that's not happening, I'm gonna

approach the situation as knowing I have the authority.

I can fix this. I can help my children learn and

grow. Now, what's cool about this

type of parenting, this is what you've been learning on this podcast. So, like, don't

worry. You don't have to, like, go find another podcast on what's authoritative

parenting. Like, you were doing it. Okay? But

what's cool is that, ultimately, the child

ends up with a good relationship with themselves because

they understand their thoughts and feelings Become you've helped them understand them, and

they feel validated. They have a good relationship with you

because you haven't shut that down through a,

and they have a good relationship with others because you've taught

them how to take into consideration the

effects that their behavior has on other people.

So you end up a helping this child become

more responsible, managing their aggression, having a high

self esteem, self confidence, self regulation, having good

a with others, clearly expressing their emotions because they've been able to

practice. These kinds of kids tend to be more respectful

and more responsible. This is what we're doing here.

So you can trust that you've already made a choice to be an

authoritative parent. And

what's cool is that over time, you're like I said, you're

gonna hand authority to your children. You're gonna give them the power

over their lives by asking really good questions and letting them try

things and letting them make mistakes and fail and all of

that. And so that ends up creating a

person who feels really confident with themselves, which is super,

super cool. So that's what we're doing. So now if you

are parenting your kids and you notice yourself being

highly controlling or letting go control or

disengaging, then you have

moved off of the spectrum that we wanna be in. You've moved out of that

authoritative parenting and you're off balance. No problem.

Double down on a, double down on limit set.

Either way, if you find yourself in that neglectful

unattached, you need to double down, triple down, quadruple down on

calm. So if you're new to this podcast, what I'm talking about is the Calm

Mama process. Calm, connect, limit set correct.

If you have these 4 buckets in your life,

in your parenting, and you're balancing between them,

you are authoritative. You are doing it

well. Gold standard as the a' magazine

said. So this podcast is an invitation

to you to reflect on yourself, not in general, but

just in, like, where are you right now? Where where are you

like, yeah. No. I'm good. I'm, like, right in the middle. I'm connecting. I'm setting

boundaries. I'm following through some consequences. It's

pretty good. Kids are good. Everyone's listening. I'm feeling pretty

regulated. I'm not overly stressed. Great. Okay? You're

fine. If you're like, nope. I'm barking. I'm yelling.

I'm controlling. I'm, you know, giving rules a

I'm trying to I'm threatening a lot. Oh, maybe you

have slips slipped into that authoritarian

a. Or, oh, I a keep giving in. I

just keep riving them. I'm not really following through.

I'm, you know, overindulging.

Okay. Great. No problem. Maybe we need to

a down on limits and and consequences and figure out some new

routines. If you are in that detached

space, I want you to get some support.

Reach out to me. Reach out to a therapist. Reach out to

somebody in your life who can you can be like, I'm drowning.

Or your partner and get some support Become your kids need

you. And they love you and they want you to be well.

I want you to be well. I do,

so much. I just, care about you so much, and I know

we all struggle. I know sometimes we're overly permissive. I know, sometimes we're

overly controlling. I know sometimes we're detached, and I just want you to

have so much love and grace for yourself. And just become

aware and then move move as gently as you

can towards that that bit that balanced state.

Okay. If you need any help with any of this, please reach out.

I would love to talk to you no matter what. Like,

you don't have to work with me. You can just meet me, and it's kinda

fun. But I can tell you about my programs, and I

love to, like, get to know you, get to know your family, and all of

that. So reach out. Book a a consultation with

me. We can go from there. Otherwise, this

week, super gentle with yourself, super calm mama,

and just keep keep working at it. Alright. I

will talk to you next week.