So welcome to this week's episode of the Wedding Lounge podcast. Today we're going to
touch on one of those political issues that is choosing your wedding parties. I know it's such a big
thing and I do think a lot of people have thought of this before they get married like you kind of
go along through life and you're like, oh, I'll have them and I'll have them. But it used to be cute
and I honestly found it really hard as well when I came to choose mine. I feel like I
I didn't have everyone who I'd been a bridesmaid for before, which I think sometimes people
feel pressurised to say, oh, she had me as mine or or I was in there, you know, one of their groomsman
and you still let you have to sort of return the favour, I didn't. I think that's the right decision
because otherwise you end up in a 27 dresser situation. You've been a bridesmaid 15 times. Yeah.
In a position where and budget depending as well, if you've not got a massive budget for your wedding
party, you're going to have to pay for, well, you don't have to pay for those dresses, but it's an option
you're doing. Yeah, and I do think I did find it awkward and I think I've said before I maybe
didn't handle it in the best way, but I do think it is key that you who's who you want to choose not
just because you feel like you have to, you know, whether that is if you don't get on with your
husband's sister, like, you don't have to have her as your maid of honour or something. There's
a lot of expectations that people thinking they have to do things because and you want to be
light and considerate. You can't just say like screw everyone else, but you've got to do what you
would want to do. Yeah. And they're the people as well that you spend that precious time with
in the morning before your wedding, you know, whether or not you're going out for a brunch before
you go to the church or whether or not it's having all your hair and makeup done in the morning.
That time is quite an intimate time and I found, randomly, the morning in my own wedding and where
the few occasions I've been a bride's maid, that changes the whole day. So yeah, it changes the
dynamic completely and who you spend that time with is so crucial. You don't want someone around who's
going to make you feel uncomfortable or awkward and you've just got to think about you really and do
what you want. Have I told you about my awkward situation with my own wedding? No, my, well possibly,
my bridal party. So I had an idea of who I wanted to ask and we were going around telling people
we were engaged and I went to go and tell one friend who went, so when are you going to ask
me to be your maid of honour? So awkward and she was a good friend, don't get me wrong and I was like,
I don't even know how to answer that so I just completely ignored her up until the wedding
because she wasn't even one of the people that I wouldn't have considered. That's
even responding to this young and I think you said before like you hadn't been to any weddings or
an adult. So you know a lot of people haven't got married before and they don't know how to play
out these situations and I had been to weddings. I was very, I mean I probably made quite a few
awkward decisions actually because I always wanted my cousin because she's younger. I always wanted
one of my best friends Jess and then my friend Nia and I was on the fence about my friend Abbey but I
didn't want Thor because I know I knew Jamie for 33 and I wanted the number to balance. Why did you
want the numbers to balance? I'm very symmetrical but when at what point in the day is everyone
all together but walking back down the aisle after we've said I do. Nice pairs walking back down.
So that was your logic. Yeah whereas I had been a bridesmaid for my friend before and I was like
yeah I had a groomsman on each arm much to my husband's delight. I walked down the aisle I was like
in the middle of a curtain but I I'm very symmetrical, very anal about things I guess and I wanted
equal numbers. Then my baby cousin felt pregnant and she was due like 10 days after the wedding.
Yeah I actually wasn't sure how I felt about having pregnant bridesmaid in my photo and also
she lives quite far away and I didn't want her to have the pressure like I didn't want to
buy her a bouquet, sort out her dress, put her hair and makeup and all of this and then have her
not fill up to it on the day and it was a relatively young mum and I felt like they might
I'd not had children so I guess I didn't know but I just kind of thought I didn't want her to have
the pressure or come as a guest and enjoy it and if she'd had the baby early or wasn't feeling
up for it like losing a guest with like less admin than losing a whole bridesmaid so I then made
the decision and I spoke to her and I was like look I just think feel like you're safe and
like her mother and all was going to let the dress out and things and I just thought I don't know
it was awkward but I mean we had the awkward conversation. Yeah I spoke to her and then
then I kind of wish that I'd asked my friend Abby to be bridesmaid but I just hadn't by this point
and it's kind of gone up far so I had Abby do a reading instead. It is hard but I think we've said
before you've just got to communicate and you have a vision and you've just got a yeah if a
pregnant bridesmaid doesn't fit in it. Going back to your even thing we didn't have the whole
everyone walked down the yard together all our rushes were stood like back the church through the
ceremony. Through the ceremony they were the ones in the bum seats because they were the ones who
did all the jobs beforehand so they were the last lot in. Oh you hadn't reserve seats for them.
That was a Christian decision. Oh he didn't want them up there. No he was just like no
he had to wait to do jobs so they can have the ready for confetti at the end. Yeah so we only had
our family walked down with us. So I have four bridesmaid and he had 13. So ready? Yeah 13 ushers.
Again they all had their own morning sweets. Other than the brother who we hired one for
yes so you didn't have to pay all of that. Didn't have matching ties. Yeah no didn't have anything
matching. He didn't want any of that matching stuff. So for him it was just who he wanted and he
had people from more different walks of life. It's quite a lot that's probably the most like us. That's
like Americans down here. Yeah. We've spoken quite a lot about our own our own bridal parties.
I think the people that are now in that situation where they're right at the start
they'll be good to go over some guidelines or ideas of where to start because it is overwhelming.
Yeah. And then you end up in a situation with 13 ushers. Yeah I think for me one of the most
important things and I think you've said this before in the sense of invitations and save the dates
was that if you want to change your mind and you've kind of mentioned it to people too early like
think or for you open your mouth. Let's make sure you've considered everything before you start
telling people because you don't want to say to someone like well yes of course you'd be my bridesmaid
and then when you come down to it you're like actually no like because you can't take it back.
You can't take it back yeah. So I think my job. I don't know if you did we ride it.
But I think I would say like before you do any hints like think about it. Yeah. Have the conversation
with your other half you know are you paying because you know like you said with Chris you weren't
paying for their morning suits so budget isn't really an issue with numbers but if you're paying for
hair and makeup um outfit suits whatever you know there's a budget limit there as well isn't there
you've got to consider. Okay. No gas and holes or sages whatever they're having so so many things
to consider and especially with hair and makeup is kind of for bridesmaids you can get away with asking
your bridesmaids the same with the dresses and the suits yeah but bouquets buttonholes you can't
really say to a bridesmaid oh can you pay for your bouquet please yeah because our budget's really tight
so you just need to consider those things and if you want things to be symmetrical as well yeah
if that is important to you yeah you need to have that discussion with your partners to how many
people you're going to each choose yeah to make it balance and make it match and why it's important to
that. It's not like for me it was visual yeah but other people don't necessarily have that
well I guess it also depends on like you like as you said Chris had lots and lots of friends
that he just wanted to be included in life space. You know just think if you've got
a big friendship group are you going to offend people if you only have three and not the other two
like or is it easy just to go for one if you don't want all five like just yeah or you know just
it's you've got to have these things and also when it comes to wedding party family like are they
going to expect bet not they should do it's that reason but are you gonna have sisters sister and
or brothers brothers-in-laws yeah rarans. I saw it on a clear day someone had their grandad I said
best one it was so sweet and he was like I want I kept saying no I kept saying no and he said
and then eventually I thought actually looking at this group of lads you need some help yes I'll do
it like he was taking the mic out of the other like friends but yeah they had this um grandad and I
just think why not do what you want you know yeah I have one group you didn't have any yeah because
his friends were so badly behaved he didn't want to have anyone he didn't want to have anyone
do a speech yeah he didn't want to have anyone take him on a sack do he didn't want those people
uh on his wedding day they obviously all came as best but you can be a bad dog with those
responsibility yeah and that is so key like you've got to think about the people you're asking
and the responsibilities like who you know who's the who's the best man who it's going to do the
speech like yeah do you trust them to organise a sack do you trust them to organise your
hendu or you know any pre wedding celebrations or do you trust them to go to the church on time or
you know yeah you've got to think about what it is you're expecting from them because I found that
when I was a bridesmaid for one of my friends before I got married and three of us were organising
the hendu you know I'm an organised person but I found it quite stressful because you didn't know
the dynamics of everyone and so I had like colleagues and family members of players complaining to me
about how much things cost them and that's what will bride had like okayed this and then someone's
like well it's out of my budget and they come to you and you don't know how firm to be with them
because you don't have that relationship yeah and it's hard so actually when it came to choosing
my bridal party I chose them but organised my hendu myself and I'm so pleased because it was one
of the most stressful times of my life and I'm just so glad I didn't put that on my friends
because of family politics and everything I just couldn't have put my friends through that
like one who just had a baby one lived in Wales so I was like they're not going to be around
be it so I organised it then they sort of like organised a few things like to go on top of it but I
did all the main logistics and they did things about me knowing but sometimes you've got to think
who can handle the pressure of organising these things and on the day as well I mean especially
for the groom's side more so who's there to kind of be there before the guests arrive you know
typically if you've not got a big team around you you've got people that you need to do parking
yeah people handing out order of services people handing out confetti or where to sit showing people
where to sit all of those roles should be your wedding party and they're the people that you
ask to take charge of those moments so you need someone that you can rust to do that send me well
you know your family as well yes yeah people that you know someone and when it comes to doing your
photos your formal photos everyone does no matter how much people dislike them someone will want on
yeah so they've got to know all those people to gather them all and be a strong enough character
to pull them all together you know those things are quite crucial key elements in when it comes to
who you're thinking about choosing definitely and there's a lot of responsibility for those
you choose around during your wedding day you know we've talked about who's going to be calming
influence on the morning there is a lot of responsibility and there can be quite a bit of a
financial responsibility yes so you've got to choose people who you know if you ask your friend
to come to your hendu in Marbella and they can't afford it then you know so be it but if you
also have your bridesmaids that they can't afford it then that they're in that awkward situation where
you've chosen them to be bridesmaid but they can't kind of keep up financially necessarily or
if you've said you know everyone's having their hair and makeup if you want it you can pay for
it yourself but I've got someone who's like 180 pounds for hair and makeup and they can't afford that
it yes you've got has a point of yeah and then there's a guest it's okay if you kind of
miss a hendu or can't afford to participate as much but when it's a member of your wedding party
who can't afford the stag or whatever it they feel a bit more pressure I think for them to be
at every point of the wedding and especially if you get married abroad as well yeah that's quite
crucial think as well touching on the calming influence it's all well and good choosing your best
friends but if you've got that one friend who is concerned and you feel they will be concerned
more with themselves yeah then they will be with you on the date you don't want that around you
in the morning no I have one of those I love her to pieces and still friends yeah we just talk a lot
anymore like we need very very different lives yeah she was abroad for the majority of my planning
but I'd known her really long time and I couldn't imagine not having her in my makeup party
but when it came to choosing the dress she wanted a certain size even though I suggested the size
up would have fit her better I ended up ordering her both on the day she still tried to put on the
smaller one even though it just didn't sit yeah right yeah if you wear that that was quite important
the size of it and then it was you know she would talk about how her hair was how her makeup was how
I think that's how I don't need to be listening to this and talk to someone else about that please
and she was my she was my stress in the buildup I got like cold sores
because I was stressed and like my skin all went downhill because I was stressed about her yeah
I know other stresses all worry no but that stressed me out yeah because I was concerned about her
and you do not want that no and as much as I love her and she was keep up she would have been better
as a guest yeah all been reading all the way yeah we've I think we've talked before about how
you can include people if they're not in your bridal part yes I do yeah I just think it's
so important to think about what you're actually expecting of these people before you pick them
it's like it's all good and well thank oh my gosh sounds as brilliant on a night out I would get on
so well have a cackle but are they going to either when you think they could be the one to
organise your hendy yeah exactly right give them that responsibility but they don't need to be in
your bridal party yeah it's not necessarily the person that's in charge your best man or
cheap eyes make they don't have to organise everything yeah you think they're different
responsibilities use different people they don't all have to be the same gender I was just about
to say that we were talking about that earlier you know nowadays you can have your best male friend
as one of is you made of honor yeah or man of honor yeah exactly like and you know mix up a bit
choose your friends choose those people that call group that you feel is best for you your chair
leaders yeah so leaders yeah the ones that will be there for you will do a good job because they mean
yeah you are their main priority for the day it's the job we just talked about made of honor man of
honor hmm what's the matron of honor as well you know we've got to maybe explain some of these terms
to people because we talk about made of honor matron of honor a man of honor is obviously well
I mean my husband decided to give me like that was a right Debbie Downer so when I got married
with 21 I'd obviously not been for any audience as an adult I've never been a bridesmaid either this
was something that was quite a sad sad moment for me when I didn't have the pressure of who to
invite who to ask me for the final five days but then when I got asked to be a bridesmaid after I was
married he turns right against why you can't be a bridesmaid anymore because you're already married
oh well thanks so technically the terms mean something I don't think they have that much
traditionally it's matron of honor is that if you're married or made of honor if you're if you're
unmarried so that's the difference there but really as you said no one if you hear them used
interchangeably it's really not oh just be offended if someone called me matron even if I am married
to just make sure you feel like no one was mixed or you know or you could just set your friend to
wind them up yes exactly yeah just thought we'd explain some of those those terms and the difference
between an usher and a groom's man yes I don't think there's actually a difference between them
I just use the term usher yes it's way I was yeah brought up I guess your groom's men kind of
includes your best man maybe as well as the ashes like it's your groom's men yes but you know it's
just your wedding party it could be your groom's women as well yes exactly it could be your blessed
women and also I don't know about you what do you think about these trends of not having a flower girl
but like a flower flower man hold down yeah we're handing out beers I think it sets the tone for your
day yes definitely it's like the tone you're going for but that's the other part as well is yeah
children yes children do you want children do you not want children yeah that's quite a big
it's quite tricky actually because um one of my brides for next year she has got like a 13 or
14-year-old niece that's a tricky age she's actually found dress looks okay on adult bridesmaids
and it's suitable for a 13-year-old but you do have to think if you're having flower girls or
page boys they tend to have something very different to the adults but that's what ween teen you don't
want them to look too young or too babyish or too mature mature yeah and are they gonna
play ball on the day if they're really little you've got to be thinking if you've got children
involved you've got to be flexible and be aware that they may pick up a stink they may be
due and that they may be wanting a snack they may be wanting you know to run in the opposite direction
not want the hair the way that you want it done things like that but if you are really really
setting how you want it to look those things will affect it if you've got a 3-year-old who decides
she doesn't want to have her nicely braided are you gonna just let her have it her way or are you
gonna be like no you've got to have it which course well when she gets to the ceremony what is that
gonna yeah be like I had um another issue here um so we had my god water who was five at the time
her brother who was three and a six-year-old niece and Jamie six-year-old niece wanted to wear like
plastic jewelry like you know she it was she was a prince I said you wanted to wear this and I'm like
okay no which I I get because you know my daughter now absolutely loves wearing you know she was
like the crown everywhere the large because like do you want someone to wear his plastic door
in all your face you could get them something or the parent yeah parent is aware their child is
like that you buy them something that they could yeah suit yeah or you say here's a crown this is
your yeah yeah well when you've been really good through the ceremony or you don't realize until
like they turn up on the day because they didn't get ready with me the little ones they got ready
of their parents and then came because yeah where I was getting ready wasn't in the church and it
wasn't that big so they just got ready at home like you gave them all their outfits in advance and I
met them at the church but it's a bit like okay I don't know if I thought yeah we had we'd had one
boy child and we'd made the decision we didn't want any chosen at the wedding and other than
tiny babies and there was a brief discussion about whether or not she would be a flower girl and
I was like I've met her once yeah she's not my side she's your side and she's six yeah how is
that going yeah that's going to be a six-year and her parents coming the hallway down from Yorkshire
five and a half hours in the car well they're going to want to have her there or they're going to want
to let their head down as well and have a good time so we decided no how did that go down but well
well yeah thank god because don't want to bring my sister or daughter to you and adults only
wedding when they're not going to have anyone else yeah we get another thing you need to think about
definitely so in a tasha there's lots to think about when choosing your wedding party what is your
top tip for our listener to make sure that they have made the right decision I think the best thing to do
is to go with your with your gut instincts give yourself that chance so know in your head who you
want to ask leave yourself a bit of time and make sure you're making the right decision before
speaking out and asking them and set it you're all at the same time yes don't ask one and then ask
another a month later you want to let everyone know unless you want to do it in person
you're not seeing someone for a month but ideally you want everyone to do at the same time
so everyone can be included definitely totally agree so next week we have got the fantastic
joke from Moody Blooms talking about all things we will see you next week bye