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 So welcome to this week's episode of the Wedding Lounge podcast. Today we're going to

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 touch on one of those political issues that is choosing your wedding parties. I know it's such a big

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 thing and I do think a lot of people have thought of this before they get married like you kind of

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 go along through life and you're like, oh, I'll have them and I'll have them. But it used to be cute

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 and I honestly found it really hard as well when I came to choose mine. I feel like I

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 I didn't have everyone who I'd been a bridesmaid for before, which I think sometimes people

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 feel pressurised to say, oh, she had me as mine or or I was in there, you know, one of their groomsman

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 and you still let you have to sort of return the favour, I didn't. I think that's the right decision

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 because otherwise you end up in a 27 dresser situation. You've been a bridesmaid 15 times. Yeah.

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 In a position where and budget depending as well, if you've not got a massive budget for your wedding

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 party, you're going to have to pay for, well, you don't have to pay for those dresses, but it's an option

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 you're doing. Yeah, and I do think I did find it awkward and I think I've said before I maybe

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 didn't handle it in the best way, but I do think it is key that you who's who you want to choose not

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 just because you feel like you have to, you know, whether that is if you don't get on with your

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 husband's sister, like, you don't have to have her as your maid of honour or something. There's

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 a lot of expectations that people thinking they have to do things because and you want to be

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 light and considerate. You can't just say like screw everyone else, but you've got to do what you

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 would want to do. Yeah. And they're the people as well that you spend that precious time with

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 in the morning before your wedding, you know, whether or not you're going out for a brunch before

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 you go to the church or whether or not it's having all your hair and makeup done in the morning.

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 That time is quite an intimate time and I found, randomly, the morning in my own wedding and where

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 the few occasions I've been a bride's maid, that changes the whole day. So yeah, it changes the

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 dynamic completely and who you spend that time with is so crucial. You don't want someone around who's

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 going to make you feel uncomfortable or awkward and you've just got to think about you really and do

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 what you want. Have I told you about my awkward situation with my own wedding? No, my, well possibly,

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 my bridal party. So I had an idea of who I wanted to ask and we were going around telling people

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 we were engaged and I went to go and tell one friend who went, so when are you going to ask

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 me to be your maid of honour? So awkward and she was a good friend, don't get me wrong and I was like,

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 I don't even know how to answer that so I just completely ignored her up until the wedding

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 because she wasn't even one of the people that I wouldn't have considered. That's

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 even responding to this young and I think you said before like you hadn't been to any weddings or

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 an adult. So you know a lot of people haven't got married before and they don't know how to play

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 out these situations and I had been to weddings. I was very, I mean I probably made quite a few

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 awkward decisions actually because I always wanted my cousin because she's younger. I always wanted

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 one of my best friends Jess and then my friend Nia and I was on the fence about my friend Abbey but I

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 didn't want Thor because I know I knew Jamie for 33 and I wanted the number to balance. Why did you

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 want the numbers to balance? I'm very symmetrical but when at what point in the day is everyone

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 all together but walking back down the aisle after we've said I do. Nice pairs walking back down.

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 So that was your logic. Yeah whereas I had been a bridesmaid for my friend before and I was like

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 yeah I had a groomsman on each arm much to my husband's delight. I walked down the aisle I was like

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 in the middle of a curtain but I I'm very symmetrical, very anal about things I guess and I wanted

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 equal numbers. Then my baby cousin felt pregnant and she was due like 10 days after the wedding.

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 Yeah I actually wasn't sure how I felt about having pregnant bridesmaid in my photo and also

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 she lives quite far away and I didn't want her to have the pressure like I didn't want to

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 buy her a bouquet, sort out her dress, put her hair and makeup and all of this and then have her

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 not fill up to it on the day and it was a relatively young mum and I felt like they might

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 I'd not had children so I guess I didn't know but I just kind of thought I didn't want her to have

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 the pressure or come as a guest and enjoy it and if she'd had the baby early or wasn't feeling

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 up for it like losing a guest with like less admin than losing a whole bridesmaid so I then made

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 the decision and I spoke to her and I was like look I just think feel like you're safe and

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 like her mother and all was going to let the dress out and things and I just thought I don't know

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 it was awkward but I mean we had the awkward conversation. Yeah I spoke to her and then

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 then I kind of wish that I'd asked my friend Abby to be bridesmaid but I just hadn't by this point

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 and it's kind of gone up far so I had Abby do a reading instead. It is hard but I think we've said

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 before you've just got to communicate and you have a vision and you've just got a yeah if a

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 pregnant bridesmaid doesn't fit in it. Going back to your even thing we didn't have the whole

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 everyone walked down the yard together all our rushes were stood like back the church through the

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 ceremony. Through the ceremony they were the ones in the bum seats because they were the ones who

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 did all the jobs beforehand so they were the last lot in. Oh you hadn't reserve seats for them.

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 That was a Christian decision. Oh he didn't want them up there. No he was just like no

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 he had to wait to do jobs so they can have the ready for confetti at the end. Yeah so we only had

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 our family walked down with us. So I have four bridesmaid and he had 13. So ready? Yeah 13 ushers.

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 Again they all had their own morning sweets. Other than the brother who we hired one for

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 yes so you didn't have to pay all of that. Didn't have matching ties. Yeah no didn't have anything

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 matching. He didn't want any of that matching stuff. So for him it was just who he wanted and he

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 had people from more different walks of life. It's quite a lot that's probably the most like us. That's

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 like Americans down here. Yeah. We've spoken quite a lot about our own our own bridal parties.

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 I think the people that are now in that situation where they're right at the start

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 they'll be good to go over some guidelines or ideas of where to start because it is overwhelming.

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 Yeah. And then you end up in a situation with 13 ushers. Yeah I think for me one of the most

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 important things and I think you've said this before in the sense of invitations and save the dates

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 was that if you want to change your mind and you've kind of mentioned it to people too early like

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 think or for you open your mouth. Let's make sure you've considered everything before you start

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 telling people because you don't want to say to someone like well yes of course you'd be my bridesmaid

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 and then when you come down to it you're like actually no like because you can't take it back.

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 You can't take it back yeah. So I think my job. I don't know if you did we ride it.

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 But I think I would say like before you do any hints like think about it. Yeah. Have the conversation

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 with your other half you know are you paying because you know like you said with Chris you weren't

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 paying for their morning suits so budget isn't really an issue with numbers but if you're paying for

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 hair and makeup um outfit suits whatever you know there's a budget limit there as well isn't there

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 you've got to consider. Okay. No gas and holes or sages whatever they're having so so many things

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 to consider and especially with hair and makeup is kind of for bridesmaids you can get away with asking

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 your bridesmaids the same with the dresses and the suits yeah but bouquets buttonholes you can't

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 really say to a bridesmaid oh can you pay for your bouquet please yeah because our budget's really tight

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 so you just need to consider those things and if you want things to be symmetrical as well yeah

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 if that is important to you yeah you need to have that discussion with your partners to how many

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 people you're going to each choose yeah to make it balance and make it match and why it's important to

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 that. It's not like for me it was visual yeah but other people don't necessarily have that

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 well I guess it also depends on like you like as you said Chris had lots and lots of friends

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 that he just wanted to be included in life space. You know just think if you've got

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 a big friendship group are you going to offend people if you only have three and not the other two

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 like or is it easy just to go for one if you don't want all five like just yeah or you know just

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 it's you've got to have these things and also when it comes to wedding party family like are they

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 going to expect bet not they should do it's that reason but are you gonna have sisters sister and

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 or brothers brothers-in-laws yeah rarans. I saw it on a clear day someone had their grandad I said

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 best one it was so sweet and he was like I want I kept saying no I kept saying no and he said

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 and then eventually I thought actually looking at this group of lads you need some help yes I'll do

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 it like he was taking the mic out of the other like friends but yeah they had this um grandad and I

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 just think why not do what you want you know yeah I have one group you didn't have any yeah because

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 his friends were so badly behaved he didn't want to have anyone he didn't want to have anyone

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 do a speech yeah he didn't want to have anyone take him on a sack do he didn't want those people

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 uh on his wedding day they obviously all came as best but you can be a bad dog with those

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 responsibility yeah and that is so key like you've got to think about the people you're asking

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 and the responsibilities like who you know who's the who's the best man who it's going to do the

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 speech like yeah do you trust them to organise a sack do you trust them to organise your

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 hendu or you know any pre wedding celebrations or do you trust them to go to the church on time or

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 you know yeah you've got to think about what it is you're expecting from them because I found that

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 when I was a bridesmaid for one of my friends before I got married and three of us were organising

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 the hendu you know I'm an organised person but I found it quite stressful because you didn't know

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 the dynamics of everyone and so I had like colleagues and family members of players complaining to me

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 about how much things cost them and that's what will bride had like okayed this and then someone's

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 like well it's out of my budget and they come to you and you don't know how firm to be with them

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 because you don't have that relationship yeah and it's hard so actually when it came to choosing

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 my bridal party I chose them but organised my hendu myself and I'm so pleased because it was one

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 of the most stressful times of my life and I'm just so glad I didn't put that on my friends

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 because of family politics and everything I just couldn't have put my friends through that

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 like one who just had a baby one lived in Wales so I was like they're not going to be around

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 be it so I organised it then they sort of like organised a few things like to go on top of it but I

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 did all the main logistics and they did things about me knowing but sometimes you've got to think

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 who can handle the pressure of organising these things and on the day as well I mean especially

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 for the groom's side more so who's there to kind of be there before the guests arrive you know

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 typically if you've not got a big team around you you've got people that you need to do parking

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 yeah people handing out order of services people handing out confetti or where to sit showing people

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 where to sit all of those roles should be your wedding party and they're the people that you

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 ask to take charge of those moments so you need someone that you can rust to do that send me well

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 you know your family as well yes yeah people that you know someone and when it comes to doing your

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 photos your formal photos everyone does no matter how much people dislike them someone will want on

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 yeah so they've got to know all those people to gather them all and be a strong enough character

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 to pull them all together you know those things are quite crucial key elements in when it comes to

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 who you're thinking about choosing definitely and there's a lot of responsibility for those

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 you choose around during your wedding day you know we've talked about who's going to be calming

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 influence on the morning there is a lot of responsibility and there can be quite a bit of a

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 financial responsibility yes so you've got to choose people who you know if you ask your friend

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 to come to your hendu in Marbella and they can't afford it then you know so be it but if you

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 also have your bridesmaids that they can't afford it then that they're in that awkward situation where

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 you've chosen them to be bridesmaid but they can't kind of keep up financially necessarily or

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 if you've said you know everyone's having their hair and makeup if you want it you can pay for

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 it yourself but I've got someone who's like 180 pounds for hair and makeup and they can't afford that

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 it yes you've got has a point of yeah and then there's a guest it's okay if you kind of

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 miss a hendu or can't afford to participate as much but when it's a member of your wedding party

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 who can't afford the stag or whatever it they feel a bit more pressure I think for them to be

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 at every point of the wedding and especially if you get married abroad as well yeah that's quite

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 crucial think as well touching on the calming influence it's all well and good choosing your best

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 friends but if you've got that one friend who is concerned and you feel they will be concerned

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 more with themselves yeah then they will be with you on the date you don't want that around you

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 in the morning no I have one of those I love her to pieces and still friends yeah we just talk a lot

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 anymore like we need very very different lives yeah she was abroad for the majority of my planning

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 but I'd known her really long time and I couldn't imagine not having her in my makeup party

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 but when it came to choosing the dress she wanted a certain size even though I suggested the size

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 up would have fit her better I ended up ordering her both on the day she still tried to put on the

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 smaller one even though it just didn't sit yeah right yeah if you wear that that was quite important

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 the size of it and then it was you know she would talk about how her hair was how her makeup was how

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 I think that's how I don't need to be listening to this and talk to someone else about that please

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 and she was my she was my stress in the buildup I got like cold sores

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 because I was stressed and like my skin all went downhill because I was stressed about her yeah

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 I know other stresses all worry no but that stressed me out yeah because I was concerned about her

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 and you do not want that no and as much as I love her and she was keep up she would have been better

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 as a guest yeah all been reading all the way yeah we've I think we've talked before about how

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 you can include people if they're not in your bridal part yes I do yeah I just think it's

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 so important to think about what you're actually expecting of these people before you pick them

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 it's like it's all good and well thank oh my gosh sounds as brilliant on a night out I would get on

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 so well have a cackle but are they going to either when you think they could be the one to

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 organise your hendy yeah exactly right give them that responsibility but they don't need to be in

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 your bridal party yeah it's not necessarily the person that's in charge your best man or

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 cheap eyes make they don't have to organise everything yeah you think they're different

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 responsibilities use different people they don't all have to be the same gender I was just about

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 to say that we were talking about that earlier you know nowadays you can have your best male friend

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 as one of is you made of honor yeah or man of honor yeah exactly like and you know mix up a bit

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 choose your friends choose those people that call group that you feel is best for you your chair

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 leaders yeah so leaders yeah the ones that will be there for you will do a good job because they mean

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 yeah you are their main priority for the day it's the job we just talked about made of honor man of

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 honor hmm what's the matron of honor as well you know we've got to maybe explain some of these terms

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 to people because we talk about made of honor matron of honor a man of honor is obviously well

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 I mean my husband decided to give me like that was a right Debbie Downer so when I got married

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 with 21 I'd obviously not been for any audience as an adult I've never been a bridesmaid either this

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 was something that was quite a sad sad moment for me when I didn't have the pressure of who to

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 invite who to ask me for the final five days but then when I got asked to be a bridesmaid after I was

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 married he turns right against why you can't be a bridesmaid anymore because you're already married

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 oh well thanks so technically the terms mean something I don't think they have that much

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 traditionally it's matron of honor is that if you're married or made of honor if you're if you're

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 unmarried so that's the difference there but really as you said no one if you hear them used

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 interchangeably it's really not oh just be offended if someone called me matron even if I am married

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 to just make sure you feel like no one was mixed or you know or you could just set your friend to

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 wind them up yes exactly yeah just thought we'd explain some of those those terms and the difference

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 between an usher and a groom's man yes I don't think there's actually a difference between them

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 I just use the term usher yes it's way I was yeah brought up I guess your groom's men kind of

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 includes your best man maybe as well as the ashes like it's your groom's men yes but you know it's

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 just your wedding party it could be your groom's women as well yes exactly it could be your blessed

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 women and also I don't know about you what do you think about these trends of not having a flower girl

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 but like a flower flower man hold down yeah we're handing out beers I think it sets the tone for your

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 day yes definitely it's like the tone you're going for but that's the other part as well is yeah

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 children yes children do you want children do you not want children yeah that's quite a big

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 it's quite tricky actually because um one of my brides for next year she has got like a 13 or

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 14-year-old niece that's a tricky age she's actually found dress looks okay on adult bridesmaids

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 and it's suitable for a 13-year-old but you do have to think if you're having flower girls or

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 page boys they tend to have something very different to the adults but that's what ween teen you don't

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 want them to look too young or too babyish or too mature mature yeah and are they gonna

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 play ball on the day if they're really little you've got to be thinking if you've got children

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 involved you've got to be flexible and be aware that they may pick up a stink they may be

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 due and that they may be wanting a snack they may be wanting you know to run in the opposite direction

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 not want the hair the way that you want it done things like that but if you are really really

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 setting how you want it to look those things will affect it if you've got a 3-year-old who decides

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 she doesn't want to have her nicely braided are you gonna just let her have it her way or are you

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 gonna be like no you've got to have it which course well when she gets to the ceremony what is that

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 gonna yeah be like I had um another issue here um so we had my god water who was five at the time

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 her brother who was three and a six-year-old niece and Jamie six-year-old niece wanted to wear like

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 plastic jewelry like you know she it was she was a prince I said you wanted to wear this and I'm like

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 okay no which I I get because you know my daughter now absolutely loves wearing you know she was

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 like the crown everywhere the large because like do you want someone to wear his plastic door

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 in all your face you could get them something or the parent yeah parent is aware their child is

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 like that you buy them something that they could yeah suit yeah or you say here's a crown this is

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 your yeah yeah well when you've been really good through the ceremony or you don't realize until

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 like they turn up on the day because they didn't get ready with me the little ones they got ready

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 of their parents and then came because yeah where I was getting ready wasn't in the church and it

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 wasn't that big so they just got ready at home like you gave them all their outfits in advance and I

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 met them at the church but it's a bit like okay I don't know if I thought yeah we had we'd had one

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 boy child and we'd made the decision we didn't want any chosen at the wedding and other than

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 tiny babies and there was a brief discussion about whether or not she would be a flower girl and

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 I was like I've met her once yeah she's not my side she's your side and she's six yeah how is

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 that going yeah that's going to be a six-year and her parents coming the hallway down from Yorkshire

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 five and a half hours in the car well they're going to want to have her there or they're going to want

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 to let their head down as well and have a good time so we decided no how did that go down but well

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 well yeah thank god because don't want to bring my sister or daughter to you and adults only

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 wedding when they're not going to have anyone else yeah we get another thing you need to think about

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 definitely so in a tasha there's lots to think about when choosing your wedding party what is your

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 top tip for our listener to make sure that they have made the right decision I think the best thing to do

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 is to go with your with your gut instincts give yourself that chance so know in your head who you

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 want to ask leave yourself a bit of time and make sure you're making the right decision before

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 speaking out and asking them and set it you're all at the same time yes don't ask one and then ask

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 another a month later you want to let everyone know unless you want to do it in person

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 you're not seeing someone for a month but ideally you want everyone to do at the same time

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 so everyone can be included definitely totally agree so next week we have got the fantastic

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 joke from Moody Blooms talking about all things we will see you next week bye