E071 - When Should I Let Go? 3 Reasons We Hold Onto Narcissistic Relationships & How To Know When To Leave

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[00:00:00] In this episode, you will discover the three reasons we hold on to narcissistic relationships and how to know when to leave.​

Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.

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Hello. And welcome back in this episode, you are going to discover the three reasons that we hold onto relationships. Even when we feel unhappy in them, the practical ways to know that you have tried absolutely everything before you decide to leave.

And how to track if there is progress being made towards your relationship goals. And remember to stick around to the end of the episode, where I will pull an Oracle card that will offer you a specific message that you can use this week to stay more conscious in your healing.

Okay. Let's dive into this topic because I know you listening. Are [00:01:00] either in a relationship right now where you're experiencing this or have been in a relationship in the past. And, you know, on some level in these relationships that something's not working, right. You continue to find yourself in these cycles of fighting. And sort of like surface level makeups that. Work for a period of time, but then you're kind of right back in that fight or you're right back in the issue and it can be so. Well, it can be a mind fuck to try to figure out. Why you're holding on, if it's worth holding on to how to know when to leave and how to really feel confident that you've tried everything I can speak from my direct experience with this as well.

I know in my last relationship, I couldn't leave until I know I tried everything.

So I totally understand that ping ponging that happens back and forth in your mind. And it's my hope with this episode that I can really show you the reasons that we hold on and how you can begin to [00:02:00] start to make progress or find clarity so that you know what feels right to do for you. So the first reason that we hold on to relationships, even though we're feeling unhappy. Is that as empathetic, big hearted. Kind women. We give people the benefit of the doubt.

So, let me give you an example to illustrate this point. let's say that you and your partner are having some issues with communication. And you try to bring something to him. And he typically will explode in anger and be yelling at you for being too emotional and for just needing too much from him from not understanding that he's trying. And inevitably at the end of this fight, you end up defending yourself in the, your. Your need for needs for having needs. Or that you're not too emotional. And you're never really talking about the actual issue.

You're never really finding, resolve around the initial thing that brought you [00:03:00] into that. Wanting to have a dialogue around whatever it was that you were upset about. And so after that fight, Let's say that you guys just can't be around each other. Maybe you go to separate places in the house.

Maybe one of you leaves. And after you've had some time to kind of sit with what happened. You start to feel really anxious that you did something wrong. And so likely you're going to him and saying, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought that up. Or I'm sorry.

I am too emotional. Somehow taking accountability for this fight that happened. Meanwhile in your mind, you're not really sure. If that is appropriate, you're not really sure why. You're always the one taking accountability. And in that exchange, maybe he's saying something like. I know that I'm angry, but it's just because you push these buttons and if you just didn't do that, then I wouldn't be an angry person. Or maybe he is saying, like, I recognize [00:04:00] that I get angry and I do want to change.

I am going to change. So what happens to us in that exchange? We, we lean into this benefit of the doubt, when he's saying that the anger is just because of what we're doing, then we're taking responsibility to change how we act, how we interact. So we're not pushing his buttons. We're giving him the benefit of the doubt that. He really is trying to be mindful of his stuff. And that we are the ones that are causing the problem. When he says that he wants to change. That he will go to therapy or he will do this coaching thing, or he will read the self-help book. Like the lights go on in our brain and we're like, oh my gosh, she's really going to try and if you're listening to this podcast, I can almost guarantee that you are. A woman who values self-work about. And who values self-growth. And [00:05:00] who knows how hard it is to change and how painful it can be to. Look at patterns and try to make change and process emotions.

And so when someone is telling you that they want to change, or they're trying, we go to this place of empathy so quickly of, I know what that's like. And I want to be there for you during that journey. We're assuming that they are taking that seriously.

And we want to be there for them. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt that They are being true to their word. And actually want it as much as you want it for them.

Also what's happening in this exchange. When the apology comes around in whatever form that looks like is that they can be very convincing. Typically, when we're in a relationship with someone who's narcissistic. They know exactly what to say. They're very good with words. They're very good at knowing what we want them to say.

And we want to believe that they're going to do the thing that will change so that the [00:06:00] relationship will work. Right. We didn't get into a relationship. In order to hope that it's going to fail. So when they're saying these things to us, we're giving them the benefit of the doubt we are being told exactly what we want to hear in a very convincing way. And we want that to be true.

We want. The best for this person. We want to see them. be the person that we know they can be or reach their potential. The words are very convincing on top of our desperate need and desire for things to change so that we can feel better in the relationship. The second thing that keeps us holding on in. Narcissistic relationships, even though we're unhappy is a deeper desire to avoid acknowledging that something may lead to the ending of that relationship. So we are in some sort of distress in the relationship, right?

You were you're in this constant fighting cycle with your partner. But instead of sort of [00:07:00] acknowledging that you're in this cycle and how bad and how often it's happening.

We go to this place that I've called potential land. Where everything gets better,

in potential landed. There is hope that things are going to change. And so if I'm staying in that place, Thinking that there's hope that when he's done with therapy, that we're going to be able to communicate. That he's actually going to change and start taking accountability that when he sees what he's doing, he's going to stop yelling at me.

And we're going to get back to this really loving, Exciting. Relationship that we had in the beginning. I'm in this place of hope. And if I'm there, then I don't really have to acknowledge where I am, how painful the constant fighting and the cycles are right now. And that things aren't really changing. If you don't allow yourself to really acknowledge the depth of the situation, Of how bad the yelling is of how bad the outbursts and the [00:08:00] emotional abuse potentially is in the relationship. Then you don't really have to deal with it. It's a little bit like sticking our head in the sand. But I like to think of it as being in potential land because we really are. Clinging to that hope that it's going to change.

We're clinging to the hope that we're going to get back to where we were in the beginning with this person. We're cleaning to the. The need for that to happen in order for us to be okay.

And there are two zingers here. So if we let go of potential land, Then the hope is gone. Then we're just stuck in the reality of the situation. Seeing that it's not changing, seeing that it's getting worse, seeing how actually anxious and afraid. Hopeless that we are in this moment. And there's not the hope that it's going to change.

And that is a form of grief. Having to let go of that hope. Is so hard. So, so, so [00:09:00] hard. And often we are doing that before we even exit the relationship period. So there's layers of grief in these relationships. And it's painful. Grief is hard, no matter which way we cut that. So, of course we want to avoid letting go of the hope and feeling that grief.

The other thing is that we saw this person. B. Prince charming in the beginning of the relationship, most likely right during that love bomb phase. You saw him show up with the flowers. You saw him sit down and have the deep conversations and want to know everything about you.

You saw him surprise you or write you love notes or whatever he was doing.

That was exactly what you wanted. So in, in your mind, You have evidence that he can be that person. That in potential land prince charming lives there somewhere. And he just has to figure out how to be that person again. So we don't want to let go of the potential that he can be the person that he showed you.

He was [00:10:00] in the beginning. Because that means there is a loss. Then that means if he's not getting back to that. Person. And I'm not happy with the person that's right here. Then what do I do? It is so normal to want to stay in potential land, to want the relationship to work out. To go back to 0.1, we don't get into relationships. Hoping that they're going to end.

So. You wanting it to work is so normal. There's nothing wrong with you.

There's nothing wrong with you that you're in this place of hope. And we're going to talk a little bit about what to do if you feel like you're stuck there. But just know for now. This is one of the reasons that we stay in these relationships. the first is that we want to give them the benefit of the doubt. The second is that we want to avoid acknowledging something that might may lead to an ending, AKA staying in potential land. And the third is our need to try everything. So we stay in these relationships for often a long period of time. Because [00:11:00] we want to try absolutely everything before we have to come to that decision to leave. Sometimes this is a way for us to alleviate guilt of wanting to leave, but not wanting to leave the person. Sometimes, this is a way for us to just say I am showing up in the ways that I feel proud about. And even when I show up this way, he can't meet me there.

So you want to feel good about making that decision? And what comes up for so many of my clients is that you don't want to be the villain in the story. You don't want to be the one that crashed and burned the relationship that gave up that stop trying. You want to be the one who did everything that she could. That really showed up in the ways that felt true and healthy for you. And then come to the place of knowing that okay. I'm doing these things and things still aren't changing. I don't think this is working. So often you're looking for a sense of [00:12:00] peace, right?

A peace in your decision after you've tried everything. So those are the three main reasons.

Wanting to give them the benefit of the doubt. Wanting to avoid acknowledging that something may lead to an ending.

And needing to try everything.

So, what do you do if you know that you're holding on, but you feel stuck. You don't really know how to measure. If things are working or progressing, you don't really know how long you should hold on or what that even means. When we are holding on to a relationship that is narcissistic or a relationship where we feel unhappy. Something isn't working. And needs to change,

there's something in the relationship that isn't feeling good.

And we're trying to figure out what that is and what the remedy is for that situation.

This is all very emotional. And when we are in an emotional place and there's a big stakes on the line, right. Of leaving a relationship and having to go through grief. It is really helpful to come into our analyzing brain, to come back [00:13:00] into the data. Of the situation so that we can see things really for what they are.

So, this is what I want you to do. I want you to keep track of anything that is really changing. Okay. So if something needs to change in order for the relationship to start to feel better, then we need to be able to track if something is changing. So when he says something that he's going to do to actively do to change the issue. I want you to note that.

So is he saying that he's going to go to therapy? Is he saying that he's going to see a coach? Is he going to say that he's going to start holding himself accountable? Is he saying that he's going to start showing awareness when he slips into his behavior and then corrected. Is he saying that he is working towards being able to have really open and honest conversations? I want you to keep track of what he is saying that he's going to do. And then as you move through this experience, this relationship [00:14:00] together. Noting when those things happen or don't happen. You keeping a really clear list of things that he has said he's going to do. Is how you can track the progress. Because words are very easy to say. Actions are harder to do so we want to make sure that the actions are meeting the words and that change is happening. In addition to, keeping some awareness around what he's doing. I want you to make a list of things that you can do. To clean up your side of the street. So I want you to really think about your reactions in the relationship.

I want you to think about your patterns that you might be bringing in from childhood or other relationships. And think about where are the places that you could show up? As the woman that you really want to be in this relationship. Do you want to start to build your confidence so that you can hold boundaries with him?

Do you want to express your needs instead of being passive [00:15:00] aggressive? Do you want to walk away from a conversation if he isn't treating you with respect? Do you want to no longer make excuses for his behavior to family and friends? Do you want to learn how to engage in a conversation that starts to feel gas lady starts to feel like you aren't really making progress in the actual issue at hand. So that your emotions don't get the best of you. What are the things that are in your full control? In order for you to do within yourself to show up differently in that dynamic. And this takes a lot of honesty.

This also takes a lot of self-reflection. And this could be a step where you need someone to help you find the answers here. So there's an interest form in the show notes. If you want to explore further coaching with me, one-on-one where we really get into the nitty gritty of all this stuff and how to start to shift it. But it's so important for you to not just rely on him, to change, to not just blame him for the [00:16:00] things in the relationship. While there may be very blatant and very clear. Things that he is doing that aren't working. And the relationship is not to absolve him from that. It's for you to take accountability for your side of the street. So to go back to that example from the beginning. If you are trying to bring something to him and he's reacting and outbursts of anger and you're shutting down and then you inevitably just leave the conversation because you are. Essentially in a freeze mode. What you could do, that's in your full control, and that is learn how to regulate your nervous system so that when you are in the conversation with him and it starts to get heated and he starts to yell, youcan say, I'm not having a conversation with you. While you're in this. This heightened state of emotion. We need to take some space and revisit this conversation later.

And doing what you need to do to revisit that conversation later.

That doesn't mean that he's going to change anything that he is doing in.

the way that he is reacting to you, but the way that you're showing up in that dynamic [00:17:00] is much more healthy so, what can you do on your side of the street? Keeping a list

of what he's doing, keeping a list of you and what you're doing.

And how are you going to start to learn these things? Is it by taking a course? Is it by working with a coach? Is it by finding a therapist? What are the steps that you are going to take right now? in order to start becoming the woman that you want to be in that relationship.

The next thing that I want you to do, if you're feeling stuck in this relationship and not knowing what you want to do is to acknowledge the fear. That's there is it a fear of having to start over? Is it a fear of it ending?

Is it a fear of like the literal logistics of moving out of the house or getting him to move out of the house? What is the fear? Behind. You kind of holding into this potential land place. What is the fear. If you stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. What is the fear. If you. [00:18:00] See him as actually the person that he is and not the person that he could become. What is the fear there? It's really, really important to name the fear.

There's a really wonderful saying that I'm forgetting now where I originally heard it. But we have to name it to tame it. So if I'm not naming the fear, it's just living and sort of morphing and growing inside my brain and I have no control over it. It just feels like this kind of all consuming. Thing that's taking over and shutting me down.

But if I start to name the things,

then I can start to process through. That fear. I can start to be friend that fear and see that fear as showing me the places that I need more support or that I need more, that I need a safety plan around or whatever it is that I need because of the fear. And we can start to give ourselves those things so that we can feel confident. And competent to do the thing, despite the fear.

Okay. Fear is not bad. It's just an [00:19:00] emotion. There's so many answers. That come to us from our fear. We just have to get curious about what those are. And then finally, I want you to give yourself a timeline. So you have the list of things that he's doing. You have the list of things that you are doing? You're acknowledging your fear.

And I want you to give a timeline. Be it three months, six months. To just gather your data. To just be able to observe the relationship, observe the dynamic. Observe how you're showing up. And seeing is this changing? He's saying he's doing this. Is there any progress? You say you're doing this. Is there any progress holding yourself accountable to doing those things as well? When we give ourselves a timeline, it's not that at the end of three months, you have to break up with him. But it's like permission for ourselves to go all in with that. Right. Because it's not this like, oh my God, I have to do this forever. I never know when this is going to end. Give yourself that container. Put things in [00:20:00] place to hold you accountable.

Be it a therapist, a coach, a friend, a family member, someone to be there to witness you through this. To process through this. You need somebody else. . I can't state that enough in gathering the data and making sense of it because. Likely there's some amount of manipulation or gaslighting or something that's happening in the relationship.

That's keeping you feeling really confused and like everything is your fault. So you need somebody to help you sift through what is real. Sift through what is expected. Sift through what is appropriate in relationships. What is yours to take accountability for what is not yours to take accountability for? That is the work that brings me the absolute most joy in the world to be able to help you find clarity. So, again, there's an interest form in the show notes.

If you're interested in exploring that a little bit deeper, but if it's not with me, Find somebody else just find somebody who can help be that [00:21:00] backward to reality for you.

I can promise you by taking these steps with real intentionality. That you will come to that. Knowing of a win. And if it's time to let go. Giving yourself more information around the psychology behind why we stay in these relationships while also tracking progress while also sitting with your emotions. All of that is going to lead you directly back into your intuition.

So let's recap quickly. What we just talked about. You now know the three reasons that we hold on to relationships, even if we feel unhappy in them.

You know, the practical things that you can do to know if you have tried everything. And do you know how to track if progress is being made towards your relationship goals? For both you and your partner.

Okay. So now it's time to pull an Oracle card. These Oracle cards offer you valuable guidance. Booking to something outside of yourself, but for us [00:22:00] some direction and some insight around what you are feeling. So, as I shuffle. I'm just asking the deck, What is the message that the listener needs today? So the message that came out is pick up your mess. And it looks like a very messy room. Is the image on the card. Let me find the message in the book and I will read it to you.

Pick up your mess shows up when it's time to own your shit. Take responsibility and clean up your mess. Repair your mistakes apologize. Personal accountability is the pathway to healing and freedom. No need to judge yourself from making a mess in the first place. Life is messy. You are not a bad person because you got it wrong, misunderstood or made a mistake. Pick up your mess provides the opportunity to find lost treasures. To repair what was broken. To reconnect to things that are hidden in the clutter chop, chop, it's time to get started.

One little piece at a time. I don't prepare these cards. This. The out. The message is always perfect. [00:23:00] So. Let that sort of sink in. Let that just move through your soul and see how that resonates for you. And I want to just make this very clear for you listening that. By no means.

Am I saying that everything in the relationship is yours to take accountability for, or is your mess to clean up? I don't want you to absolve your partner from their accountability. In relationships, it takes two people taking accountability for their shit for picking up their mess. To come together in order to have a healthy dynamic.

So this, you keeping your lists and you acknowledging your fear and you're moving through. These different things that you're going to do in the relationship.

That is you simply taking accountability for what is yours? And then observing if he is also going to meet you there.

All of this work takes so much courage for you to look at your stuff. Honestly for you to reach out for that person to [00:24:00] help you reflect back reality to you, to help you make sense of what's happening. Take so much courage.

And I want you to know that if you don't have somebody in your life right now, that can be that safe. Nonjudgmental space for you to process through the relationship to process through your feelings, to process through what you want to change so that you can show up the best way that you can.

I can be that person for you. And it would be my absolute honor. So again, that interest form is in the show notes.

If you're interested in learning more about how I can walk with you through this part of your journey. As always this podcast is for you. You are not alone. And I will see you in the next episode.