Today's episode is about being able to discern whether he is

unsafe through his behavior or energy, or it is actually your own

wounding, or it is a mix of both.

I'm going to get extremely practical today, giving really relatable examples

that allow you to truly discern.

And this episode is for both women and men.

This is a really important topic, because unless you are

able to see, is it his behavior?

Is it something he hasn't healed?

Or per perhaps you're also contributing to it, or could it really be

that he's actually showing up and there is something deeper inside

you holding yourself back from fully receiving and seeing that?

Welcome to the Masculine and Feminine Dynamics podcast.

My name is Lorin Krenn, and I'm a coach, author, and hypnotherapist.

I help you to understand masculine and feminine dynamics.

Let's dive in.

Without being able to discern whether it's a man's behavior or

your own wounding as a woman, it makes it really hard to experience

healing in a relationship.

And it brings us to this kind of ancient old and also new and relevant

now more than ever, the question of is it fear or is it intuition?

Is it my highest truth, or is it old wounding, posing as the truth?

And of course, as a man in a relationship, you will also ask

yourself, okay, I know she wants me to create safety, but is there perhaps

some responsibility on her end as well?

Like, how do we really discern how do we, how do we kind of entangle

the wild, chaotic mess, a divine mess and imperfection of relationships to

truly see what our responsibilities are, to truly understand how we

are contributing to a dynamic, and to ensure that we're not avoiding

or bypassing or blaming the other person for something we have to take

responsibility for, um, or as well for?

And sometimes it is a wild mix between both.

there, is bringing wounding into relationship.

The woman is projecting wounding from past relationships or a father wound

onto him, but also coming from her intuition, or in other cases it might

really be that the desire for safety is coming from a deep heart centered

place and the man is simply not showing up in a safe way, or it might be a man

who is actually showing up, and you as the woman, there's certain wounding

that's not allowing you to receive his masculine energy, his presence,

I am going to give now relatable and practical examples, and then I will

provide you with the distinction.

So what I mean by that is I will give the example of when it's a man's

behavior, and then I will give the example of how you as a woman might

be contributing to it or might be the main reason why you feel unsafe.

Let's start with the first one, and that is truly the foundation.

A lack of commitment and not feeling fully chosen by a man is the funment

of you feeling safe as a woman.

As a man listening, a woman cannot feel safe in a relationship or

a dating scenario with you if she does not feel fully chosen.

If there is no clarity in what you want, your commitment and

where that relationship is going and heading towards.

Now, if that is how a man is showing up, there is a lack of commitment.

He's not truly choosing her, there is confusion around this, ex partner's

still involved, there is a vagueness, I don't know where this is going,

let's go with the flow, anything along those lines, this points

towards, the man showing up in a way very clearly and evidently, which is

going to make the woman feel unsafe.

And here the responsibility is not for you as a woman.

You don't have to do anything for a man to choose you.

I mean, of course you have to choose him as well.

And you have to be committed.

It has to be vice versa, of course.

But you don't have to fight for him.

You don't have to tell him or explain to him that he needs to commit himself

to you or anything along those lines.

In these moments, you're already abandoning your truth.

You are already abandoning your power.

So here it is very clearly his wounding that's creating unsafety for you.

And there is no question whether it's your intuition or whether

it's your deeper true at play.

It's your natural and healthy desire to be fully chosen.

This is the true fundamental of any conscious relationship, and

if you don't feel fully chosen as a woman, then you simply,

your feminine heart cannot relax.

You don't know his intention.

You don't know whether it's safe to open your heart.

You don't know what's going to happen the next day.

You don't know where things are going towards, and you also don't know,

and understandably so, you don't know whether this is a man you can

rely on, because if with a lack of commitment not being fully chosen,

when things get tough, it's most likely not someone you can rely on.

And here is the key distinction . If you struggle with wounding with the

masculine, or perhaps you had a have a father wound or past relationship

wounding with men, then even though a man might be showing up in a

powerful or conscious or loving way, there might be a part inside

you that never feels it is enough.

And that is the distinction.

Here I'm not talking about a lack of commitment here.

I'm talking about a man who is showing up who is clearly devoted to you,

and yet something inside you still does not feel fully chosen or feel is

afraid of being abandoned or rejected when minor, minuscule things arise.

So here, this is a very important distinction, because in this

case, you might not feel fully chosen, but it's not because

he's showing up in an unsafe way.

It is because something inside you might not feel fully

worthy of being fully chosen.

Something inside you is not allowing yourself, giving yourself permission

to receive his energy, his presence, his service, him protecting

you, him being there for you.

Something inside you might feel you're not worthy of allowing yourself to

fully receive, and in this case, giving yourself permission to receive

the beauty and all the amazing things he's doing is so important.

In one of my recent women's programs, a woman shared with

me that there are so many things that her husband is not doing.

And that I asked her and how is he showing up already in a powerful way?

And she paused and then came to the realization that she never really

truly asked herself that question.

Neither did she have her focus there, neither was she appreciative of

the ways he was already showing up.

Now, does this mean that she should suppress her desire for more, or

that it can show up in certain areas in a more expansive way?

No, but her focus was on the lack, on the imperfection, on the

things he wasn't getting right.

But actually as I coached her within the group setting, she very quickly

identified that he was doing so many things and showing up in so many

ways that are deeply safe, that are deeply devotional, that are an act of

deep commitment, and when she started appreciating and allowing herself and

giving herself permission to receive that, number one, it changed everything.

She felt so much more love.

She felt so much more chosen, and then the things she wanted to be different,

she was able to express those in a really loving way, rooted in our

heart, feeling deeply loved by him.

And what happened then he was able to receive them so easily.

Whereas before, he would face this constant criticism.

So that's the distinction.

Ask yourself internally as a woman, is he showing up?

Is he devoted?

Is he making clear where this is going?

If yes, then are you appreciative of the ways he's showing up?

And if no, then it means his actions are making you feel

unsafe and you are coming from a conscious and heart-centered place.

And as a man, if you are showing up fully, if you are fully committed and

there is no receptivity, appreciation of that in any way, and there is

always focus on the criticism, that it means that it's not you.

You are not to blame.

You are showing up, you're giving your best, but you are allowed

to be an imperfect human being.

As long as your commitment is clear, give yourself grace.

And do not blame yourself.

Stay rooted in your power.

Let's move on to the next example, which is a lack of presence.

When the feminine feels that we are not fully present in the relationship

when she cannot feel us, so we are physically present, but emotionally

and spiritually, we're not fully there, we might be having dinner with her, we

might be doing, engaging in whatever, whatever activity, and in these moments,

our mind is always somewhere else.

This is going to cause a feeling of unsafety in her and it's normal as a

woman that you don't feel safe when our mind is always, when our energy

is always scattered, when our energy and presence is never fully with you.

This is going by definition, going to make it very hard for you to

feel safe because the feminine heart longs for the masculine to be

present, not just physically, but with his energy to really be here

with her in the moment, attentive.

And this naturally creates such a strong feeling of

magnetism, attraction, safety.

It inspires deep, deep trust.

And this might reveal itself in . For instance, you as a woman, you are

sharing some feedback with him, and, and he's not attentive or you're asking him

for his support and help with something, and instead of really feeling into what

it is that you truly are asking for or need in this moment, he's either

dismissing it or being passive about it.

He's not taking initiative or he's just not in sync with you.

You just don't feel him fully there with you.

It feels as if he's with one foot in the relationship and

here with you and with the other.

He's completely somewhere else.

This by definition is going to make you feel unsafe and you will naturally feel

a desire for him to be more present.

Because for us men, it's often about this checkbox, spend time with her, did

this, did that, with a very logical, oriented, very kind of productivity

mindset like a machine to, to, to, to, to, but you're not asking for that.

And sometimes we men, we take it completely differently.

We think, oh, she wants this, and it's all complica complicated and

confusing, and I don't have more time.

But it's not more time, it's more presence, it's more energy.

It's more attentiveness.

That's going to shift absolutely everything.

Now, what's the distinction here?

If you always need us to be perfectly present and there is no window of

tolerance for us to be an imperfect human being, so if we have a tough

day, so if we are usually very present with you, but then we come home from

a tough day, we even might feel down a little bit, we are slightly distracted,

and then you have a really strong response, a strong response perhaps

saying You are never there for me.

I don't feel supported by you, and what happens here is that you are

internalizing our imperfection or lack of presence in that moment, and

it becomes a part of a wounded story or part of an older wound, perhaps.

He doesn't care about me, he doesn't love me.

And this puts so much pressure on the relationship, and he

doesn't allow us men to feel safe.

It doesn't allow us to be a human being.

Then we feel we have to be this perfect ideal, which will naturally

make a man walk on eggshells.

And when a man walks on eggshells and tries to be this ideal, he's

not in his authentic, rooted and grounded masculine power.

He's in some kind of pleasing little boy energy at the end of the day.

So of course men can do a better job.

We can do a better job at communicating that.

So for instance, what I always advocate for is, for instance,

saying, Hey, baby, it's hard for me to be fully present here today.

You might notice I'm distracted 'cause I really had a tough day and

I'm, I'm going for something here.

So this kind of already kind of creates a safe space in that sense

by really very clearly and powerfully communicating without collapsing into

total anxiety and, and dramatizing it in that sense, or playing the

victim, but being really clear and intentional, um, about what's going on.

And.

Allowing her into our heart, right?

But if there is this desire of you as a woman, then we have to be

always perfectly showing up, then essentially what's happening is that

you are taking your self worth or validation from us always being in

this kind of perfect state, or we're perfectly attentive to all your needs.

And we are also a human being, of course, and we're going through our

things and there has to be grace.

So I'm not saying that you shouldn't call us out on our lack of presence, but

I'm also saying there has to be grace.

And only you can see truly in your life and, and honestly look

at, look at your situations, your dating or your relationships,

what's really going on there.

Only you can take an honest look and truly identify, is there a part of

me that needs to take responsibility, or is it truly because he's just

never been there for me and I'm not asking for an impossible demand,

I'm just asking for more presence.

Another big one.

Last but not least, is a lack of taking initiative.

And this is a really huge one.

I give you an example.

So we've got an electronic device in the house.

One of our electronic devices made a hissing sound.

And my wife kept telling me for a whole week that this hissing sound

is really annoying and really loud.

And I never took initiative.

I was like, ah, yeah.

Hmm.

I gave an answer.

I didn't dismiss it.

But at the same time I didn't really say, lemme take a look, or, ah, okay,

well I'm really busy right now, but why don't I take, I'm gonna take a look

tomorrow or in a few hours or whatever.

So I never really created any structure around this.

I was just not taking initiative around it.

And she kept telling me.

So there's really two opportunities here.

Number one, if, if you would say, now, why did my wife

not look at it and do it?

Because then she has to step into her masculine energy.

Then she has to kind of sort things out, and this is a more nuanced topic.

I understand that because maybe in your household things are different, right?

For whatever reasons.

And every couple has a different dynamic.

but here what was happening and my wife being very feminine, is that

she was subtly inviting me and kindly, sweetly making me aware

that something really powerful would be if I would take a quick look.

And that, in that sense wouldn't make her feel safe, but it would

make her feel seen in that moment, even if it's such a minuscule thing.

And of course, I didn't do it for a week, and then she

asked me quite clearly, what?

I can take a look.

And it just made me realize that, but even with such a minuscule

thing, the lack of taking initiative causes a micro level of unsafety.

And now in this case, this was a one-off in my, in my marriage

so it's not a huge thing.

But imagine this will be happening all the time, and I wouldn't be in

my own practice of taking initiative and embodying my masculine energy.

So what happens here?

All these micro moments of never taking initiative specifically around big

things, moving marriage, whatever it is.

If there is no initiative or taking the dog to the vet or whatever, a checkup,

if there is no initiative around this practical, specifically practical

things or even initiative around taking time to connect, initiative

around setting up a date night.

If you always leave things for her to sort, then she will be

pushed into her masculine energy.

She has to embody and cultivate more of her masculine energy.

And the world already is asking her to cultivate so much

more of her masculine energy.

And if she has a feminine core in her nature, not all women,

but many women have, then that's not gonna make her feel safe.

That's not gonna make her feel truly aligned and in the relationship,

and that you can rely on us.

And it's very important when I share this, for men this often

sounds like, oh, another big job, another big thing I have to do.

I'm already doing so many things, but it's less about doing a really big job,

and it is more about taking initiative, even if these are small things.

But not passively just allowing things to accumulate, accumulate, accumulate,

and then she has to ask us millions of times, she has to point it out a million

of times it's going to not make her feel the way she really wants to show up.

She has to cultivate more of a masculine energy.

And it's also going to create a little, little kind of boy dynamic

in the relationship where it's like, almost like telling us off

you, you said you're gonna do it, you know the, you're not doing it.

And it creates this energy that's just not very powerful.

It's not an energy that's, that's truly nurturing for her feminine core

and, and for your masculine core.

And listen, if you cannot take, sort something out, if you are

completely busy, that is okay.

Again, there needs to be grace.

But then communicate.

So for instance, what could I have done better?

In this example, I could have said, Hey baby, I understand this sound

is bothering you and I'm really busy right now, and right now I can't.

But you know what?

This evening I'm going to take a proper look at it and see what I can fix it.

And this in itself, and then of course, following through with my

promise that's even more important.

But these micro moments create safety because I'm taking initiative.

One thing doesn't make a huge difference, but many micro

moments make a huge difference.

And you want to use this micro moments in positive momentum, meaning creating

more safety, more connection, more attraction, more . It trust and her

being feeling she can rely on you, and not micro moments of lack of safety

and disconnect, and he's not hearing me and I have to ask him a million times.

Now, what's the key distinction here?

Where might a woman have have to take responsibility here?

And that is when you want us to be mind readers when.

It's not just about taking initiative, but it's like, I know as the feminine,

I always say the feminine is subtle, the feminine is more indirect,

which is her way of communicating.

The masculine way is much more direct, and there is a beauty because

polo opposites attract each other.

If we're all doing the exact same thing, showing up in the exact same way, that

wouldn't be attraction in that sense.

There wouldn't be deep polarity or that, that dance

of masculine feminine energies.

But if you want us to be mind readers and insider, there's some kind of

fantasy that when you express it once in a really indirect way, that then,

and then months later nothing happens, then you explode on us and, I'm not

talking about an example where you said it many, many times, but it's

almost like you expect us to be mind readers to understand every single need

you have, that's not going to happen.

We can do a great job at being attentive, being present and

being in our masculine power, being in our leadership and

our initiative kind of role.

But at the end of the day, we're not mind readers, and sometimes

we're not going to get it.

And in these moments it is important for there to be grace.

And if it leads to a huge blow up, then essentially what kind

of the message is, is you ex. I want you to be a mind reader.

And if you're not showing up again, it brings us into this realm of the

impossible demand, the impossible task, setting us up for failure,

sabotaging unconsciously, the relationship and what is it doing?

it is affirming a story that is limited, that is wounded, a wounded

relationship with the masculine

And the last important point in today's episode, especially if you as a woman

had father wounding, didn't feel safe growing up as a young child, didn't

feel safe to embody your feminine energy, or you had really challenging

relationship experiences with men.

And of course this society is in so many ways, unfairly and it's just not

right, pushing you into your masculine energy, telling you be feminine and

be this perfect, wonderful, feminine being and woman, but at the same

time cultivate all these masculine traits, um, be everything basically.

That's what the society is expecting of you, which is toxic in

itself and, and just an extremely impossible and unhealthy ask.

But specifically when you had challenging relationship experience

with men or, or you experience the father wound, what can happen is

even if you meet the right man, there might be a part inside you

that is still guarding yourself, a part that still feels unsafe.

And just remember, while we men can do a lot, we cannot make you feel

safe and at home in your own body.

We cannot compensate for the pain of the father wound for the void

that the father wound has left.

So remember, we can do a lot, but you have to do your own work around

making your body, your sanctuary, your temple, and your home again.

And if you are not doing your work around this, then.

It's going to be impossible no matter how powerful the man is.

And yes, you can heal your father wounding with a powerful man, but you

have to do your own work because if you are not doing your own work, then

you are not able to receive that.

You are going to push it away and the part inside you

is still gonna be guarded.

And that is the illusion so many women believe, that when you meet

the right man or the perfect man, that part is going to be healed.

And that can contribute a lot to the healing, but it cannot

heal it at the deepest root.

That is your own work and your own responsibility.

Remember, if you have responsibility in it, then it's usually because there

is an energy of focusing on what's not going right, not being appreciative

or you are contributing to the unsafe dynamic that you are experiencing.

Thank you for listening to this episode.

Of course there is much more to it, but I wanted to make this as concise and

as practical as possible as I possibly can Now for us to continue to serve

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Thank you so much for being here.

I'm deeply, deeply honored to be of service in your powerful

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