Welcome to the Six Figure Business Mastery Podcast, where every week,

Kirsten and Jeanne dive into the essential topics to fuel your business

growth, from copywriting to course creation, mindset to video marketing.

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Tune in for expert guest interviews on all things, marketing and

business, and learn how to work on your business, not just in it.

So get ready to unlock your business potential and take it to the next level.

Welcome everyone to our newest episode.

Thank you for joining us today.

We're so excited to have a special guest.

Her name is Victoria Chai and her company is Chai Connections

Coaching and Consulting.

She helps female solopreneurs develop their authentic voice

to communicate confidently.

So welcome, Victoria.

We are thrilled to have you today.

Thank you, Jeanne.

It's really great to be here.

Victoria is actually one of my sassy sisters, which is a fantastic networking

group here in Sarasota, Florida.

And I heard her speak at one of our events and oh my gosh, she

had the whole crowd laughing.

She's just a great storyteller and she is such an incredible communication coach.

So we're thrilled to have you here today because I feel like as business owners.

Communication is so important with our clients in our messaging

with our staff and our employees with our networking groups.

Communication is really everything.

And so we can learn just a little bit here and there to make it better.

That's going to help us all grow our businesses.

So we're excited about your topics today, Victoria.

Thank you.

I have to agree.

I think communication is key for a lot of things, but particularly for people

who are entrepreneurs and running a business and for business online,

because a lot of what you're doing is putting words on, on the screen

or recording a video or a podcast.

Like we're doing.

So it's ultra important.

I feel like, yes.

And even beyond that, if you're fortunate enough to have your business get to the

point where you're speaking with potential clients or clients, then it really

becomes crucial that your voice, which is your power is what you want it to be.

That's important because one of the things you talk about is like self monitoring.

Tell us a little bit more about that.

Cause I know that's something that you really.

Teach with your client.

So when I think about being an excellent communicator and

communication is something we learn, although it feels like it should

be natural, we're still learning.

I'm still learning.

Perhaps you two are still learning and your listeners are still learning as well.

It's a skill that we can develop over time continually.

And one of the ways to do that is self monitoring, which is noticing

what you're doing and modifying your communicative behavior.

To make it work for you.

And in this case, as an entrepreneur, as a business owner, to think of

how you are coming across to others.

And there are several things that come up when we begin to self monitor.

And so one of the things that I often ask clients to do is, I want you for a week

to just notice how others are responding to you when you're speaking, and to think

about what you were saying or doing.

Because when we talk about communication, people think it's just this, it's

the words, but it's everything.

It's what you look like.

It's the tone of your voice, the pitch of your voice, how fast, how

slow, how clear you're articulating, what you're wearing, how you're

sitting, are you slouching, right?

Are you seeming very aggressive?

Are your arms crossed?

All of this is part of your communicative behavior.

And so when we start to think about it, just like when people go on

diets, they say, write a journal.

This is much like that.

Start noticing it.

And once we start noticing, we can see what works in what situations.

And partly when I was speaking to you before this talking about doing your

pot, your awesome podcast is the idea of powerful versus powerless communication.

And many entrepreneurs are experts in their field.

And when they get to marketing or selling, they shrink back and they sound uncertain

both in their written communication and in their spoken communication.

So if I'm an expert at communications, I have over 30 years of

experience, both as a professor.

And now as an entrepreneur, I'm good at what I do.

And I love what I do.

And that shines through.

If I came to you and I said, yeah, I'm a communications coach, so

maybe I could help you, possibly.

I just stole from myself.

I feel like for women, it's harder to use powerful communication.

I can unbox so many things in this very little part, but women, again,

using powerless communication, apologizing quite often, or it's

really funny when you talked about like, The speed and how would we talk?

There's so much you learn when you start hosting a podcast or you're

interviewed on other people's podcast.

One of the things that we joke about is I speak very quickly

and Jeanne speaks more precisely.

So our editors know sometimes they need to speed her up and slow me

down so that it sounds like we're having a normal paced conversation.

But yeah, if you don't think about all of those things.

And then my other question, along with women and powerful language would be,

sometimes I feel like when we think about monitoring ourselves, that

women can start to doubt themselves.

So how do you recommend that we start to monitor our conversation?

We start to think about how we can use more powerful language

and not beat ourselves up as we're monitoring ourselves to improve.

So I'm so glad you asked that question because I will never say there is

bad or good language I will say there is effective and uneffective, and it

really depends upon the situation.

Once we start to self monitor, I might, for example, if I'm going into

a presentation, let's say I have this wonderful opportunity to work with

a local hotel with their staff, and how to communicate effectively with

their customers and the vendors.

I'm going to speak in a way that is rather authoritative, and I'm going

to try to have as little vocalized pause as the ums and the uhs.

I am going to stay away from what we call provisional language, which

is, it might be a good idea if you, or you might think about such and

such a thing, because I need to come off as the expert in that situation.

On the other hand, if I'm dealing with a client, And that client is working on

public speaking, and we all know that people find public speaking to be one

of the most intimidating, frightening, nauseating things that we can do.

I'm going to change the way I speak with them, right?

Not good or bad, but where does it work?

And that's why you start to self monitor.

So you were talking about women having difficulty with powerful

language, and studies have shown that it's not necessarily gender, though

it often does show up in women.

It's about the power level.

Who's in charge at any given moment, if I'm speaking to, let's say,

if I was working for a company, I'm talking to a supervisor, I

would speak concisely and clearly.

I might stay away from.

sounding like I'm giving orders.

I might use more provisional language.

On the other hand, a lot of times a boss, if they want their people to work well for

them, will use that provisional language so it doesn't sound so aggressive.

So it might be a male in a situation who doesn't want people to feel

like he's being too aggressive and say, Hey, Hey, I was wondering,

could you take care of this for me?

I'm a little bit busy right now, and I know that you're really good at such and

such a task, and I'd really appreciate it.

We know that's not really a question.

Asking you in a very nice way to do it is an order.

And so, when we talk about powerful language, my question always is,

not to say that we can't be kind, provisional, civil, respectful.

And we also don't want to steal from ourselves.

So what I ask people to notice generally in the beginning is, do

you have a lot of vocalized pauses?

And sometimes it's good not just to ask yourself this, but ask people

around you because they'll notice.

And the other thing is, do you use hedges or tag questions?

So are you saying this might sound stupid, but I'm not an expert in this.

And then at the end of the statement, I read about a way to be effective in sales.

That's a good idea, right?

So beginning and ending your statements with these things that are

actually pulling the power from the statement, instead of just saying,

I read a really interesting report about a way to get better at sales.

Let's look at that.

Definitely a big difference there.

The aggressiveness of communication.

One of the things that Jeanne and I do with our clients and with the

virtual assistants is we talk about cultural differences in communication.

And this was a huge learning curve.

We started outsourcing 16, almost 17 years ago.

And that was before zoom and Skype.

And so it was all like email.

And it was crazy to just learn over the years, the cultural

differences in communication.

Between different countries.

So it's very different if you're working with someone in India versus someone in

the Philippines, as far as communication.

And it's so interesting that part of our program where we teach

cultural differences and effective communication is something that

everyone is like, so grateful for.

They didn't like, it wasn't something I ever thought about, but

then when they get into it, they realize like how powerful that is.

Especially as the business owner and stepping into that leadership role

to manage a team around the world.

And it's just something we're never taught, right?

We're never taught about, like you said, even just learning to

communicate with each other here in the States is always something we're

learning and growing and developing.

But we never really think about how to effectively

communicate with a team overseas.

And what seems invitational here can seem aggressive somewhere else.

Absolutely.

That was a lesson well learned when I lived in England for five years and a

country separated by a common language.

It was like something that meant something here meant something

totally different over there.

And a lot of slang, especially, which I know you shouldn't use

too much of that because it can be interpreted in different ways.

But sometimes when I was in a conversation with Matt and his

friends and I would have to listen so intently because I'm interpreting it.

Because they're using slang and they're talking about this and that and then they

don't laugh and a couple seconds later I would laugh and then sometimes I was

like, this is too much work right now.

I'll just hang out over here.

I have worked through the college where I teach and just in my life, coming from

New York, my husband is from Honduras.

I've lived the intercultural life for a very long time.

I lived in England.

I've lived in Japan and worked in both places.

And I think it's actually easier to go to Japan because you know

that's going to be different.

You go to England, you think it's going to be the same and it's not.

That's a whole other talk.

I could talk for hours about intercultural communication and power

distance and politeness for sure.

But even within the United States, we talk about cultures.

The New York culture is different than the Florida culture, which is

different than the California culture.

So again, understanding your audience.

And this is what I was talking to you a little bit about

register switching, right?

Deciding what to use where and understanding the culture of that area.

In New York, they want to get to business, it's business and do it and get out.

Here, people want to talk about your family and know

where you came from in Florida.

That's my experience.

They're very interested in you as a person.

So it's also just knowing your audience.

Always know with whom you're speaking.

And that's what your Podcast goes to places, not just in the United

States, but to other places and knowing your audience is incredibly diverse.

This brings us to your next point, which I'm really excited to learn

about because I do not do this.

The power of the pause.

So one of the most powerful things you can do is stop and listen or just stop

and let the other person have a moment.

to respond.

Oftentimes when we are dealing with our clients or other entrepreneurs

or other people in business, we want to explain things to them.

So let's say that you were to ask me, Oh, could you be on another podcast?

And I would think, wow, that's great, but I can't do it right now.

And then I would go on to tell you all the things I have to do.

And that takes a lot of time.

And all of a sudden now I've used this, but which tells you I've negated

everything before I said anything.

And I've given you a lot of too much information.

What if you asked me to do another podcast?

And I said, yes, I would love to do that.

And then I let you talk.

I don't have to tell you all the problems I'm having in my life.

I don't have to say, but.

I can just say yes, I'd like to do that.

Could you also say yes, I'd absolutely love to, could we schedule that for Q1?

Yes, very true.

Right now we're in November, just so if everyone's listening to

this, I don't know when you'll hear this, but it is November 5th.

And I feel like that's something that Jeanne and I too have worked on

collaboratively over the past 15 years, is that we try to think about planning

what we're doing as far as quarters, and then breaking it down to months.

So I think we have both gotten a little bit better about saying yes and then

saying can we do it and then slotting it into a time slot, sometimes four

to six weeks out, which I think is something again, we're not taught to do.

It's something we had to figure out, like we want to do all of

these things, but we can't do all of these things like right now.

Very true.

Another side of the pause is instead of having, we were talking about

self monitoring for vocalized pauses, instead of saying, which

is really a filler for us to think.

Yeah.

We can be silent for a second.

So I could say to you, I would love to do a podcast with you again.

And I'm thinking about some topics that might be of interest to you

instead of saying, well, I'm thinking, and thirdly, no is a sentence.

So if somebody, let's say you're working with a client and I had this happen to

me recently, if you're working with a client and I'm dealing with people who are

excited to become better communicators, they're looking to up their game,

they're looking to feel more confident.

And somebody said, can we do this in four weeks?

And I said, no, then you can ask me why not?

And I said, how long did it take you to communicate in the first

place, probably a couple of years.

And it's not that you'd have to work with me for a couple of years, but you're

not going to go from A to Z in four weeks, we can work on something for four

weeks, but your entire communicative behavior, it's like saying I'm going

to lose 50 pounds in four weeks.

So no, that's my answer.

That's so fascinating.

I feel like when it comes to business, One of the things I think anyone

who knows anything about sales knows that you need to stop talking.

Right.

And if you own a business, you have to sell something.

So I don't care what you think or how you feel about sales.

You are a salesperson, but yeah, it's that whole conversation.

It's that whole ask and then stop talking where we want to keep

justifying and sharing the benefits.

And I think the same thing happens with managing a team when things

like when you're trying to make a point of something that's gone wrong

or that you really need to address.

You know exactly what you're going to say to address it, and then

stop and let them respond back.

It might be uncomfortable for you, and it might be uncomfortable for them, but the

reality is it needs to be a conversation, and they need to take ownership of

whatever it is, or they need to explain to you that they don't, you know,

understand what they've been expected to do, or whatever that case may be.

But I think it's, I think those are the two areas where I think about

pausing the most in conversation for me.

Absolutely.

When we pause and we allow for silence, thought time, processing, or just

handing the floor over to somebody else.

It's respectful, and yet so many people, particularly my experience in the

American culture is, silence scares them.

So they're feeling it and feeling it, and sometimes I can't even process what's

going on, because there's so much noise.

Why do you think we're uncomfortable with silence?

Wow, I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

But I do know the people that I know who are uncomfortable with silence feel like

they're being judged when they're not.

They're trying to make excuses.

They're trying to make explanations.

They really want the other person to understand them.

And sometimes not realizing that.

They're actually preventing the understanding from happening.

Yeah, because I would think you give someone an idea or a tip or whatever.

You got to give them a few seconds to let that sink in, to think about

how that would work in their life or how they could make that happen.

And yes, we know a lot of people who don't pause.

Yes.

The pause is where you stand in your power, because if you could

get comfortable with the pause, take a moment, you are not being pulled

around by your fears and your worries.

You're just standing in your power and your stillness and that's

a beautiful place to be and it allows for thought and new ideas.

Now we talk a lot about with our clients about videos and recording videos

and oftentimes the pause in a video is not necessarily ideal or there's

a, it's a much shorter pause than it would be perhaps in a conversation.

What are your thoughts on that?

I agree completely, particularly if you're making a video of just yourself,

because I do that in my Facebook group where I make videos of tips and things.

I don't pause very much because when I pause in a conversation such as this one,

I am opening the floor to you or just taking a moment for things to percolate.

If I'm posting a video, they can watch it 16 times if they need to.

And the silence becomes obtrusive at that point.

I'm chuckling because we have had, again, I feel like hosting a podcast has made me

a better guest on other people's podcasts.

And guesting has made me a better host because you're observing what other

people are doing and learning from that.

And we had over the past many years of doing this.

We've had a couple of guests, you ask them the first question, and

it's 25 minutes of just talking.

There's no conversation in it, at all.

And usually when that ends, we're both like, that cartoon character where they

got the red swirly things going on in their eyes, they're like, Phased over

is interesting and something you learn.

You just learn it.

It's exhausting to have someone talk at you and for it not to be a

conversation, but looking back, I think a lot of times they're really

nervous or they're very excited.

It's not coming from a place of selfishness or anything like that.

I think it's just coming from, but they, maybe they haven't been a lot of podcasts

or they're just so excited about what they do, or they're just, again, so nervous.

So we always just not laugh it off, but just think why they

did the best they could do.

But we also try to do a better job when we're bringing people on to

explain how the conversation is going to go and how we need to have some

pauses so there can be conversation.

And I think that's really helped because I think a lot of people, like you

said, they, if there's a pause for a second, they think they need to fill it.

And I know for me, I have to pause longer because Jeanne will take

longer to jump into the conversation.

So giving her time.

So I think it's so interesting that we don't always think about these

things, but they're so important.

And in our day to day business, in our day to day life, we just don't think about it.

Yes.

And it was interesting that you talked about how that's a sign of nervousness.

And again, this is that powerful, powerless, So it's not male or female.

It's what position you're in and how you feel about the position you're in.

So I'm a guest.

I could feel nervous.

I don't because you are so welcoming.

However, on the other hand, if somebody is nervous and they start that ramble,

and if you're in your business and you're rambling, I don't know if

I'm going to trust the person who's rambling at me and I'm not going to

give them my money or trust them to help me with whatever it is I'm doing.

And that's why that kind of communication is so crucial to

your success of your business.

is thinking about how, for example, you're, they're both very

invitational and that's my style too.

I'm very invitational.

I'm not a hard seller.

You said we're all salespeople and we are, they're very different way

to be a salesperson though, right?

There's invitational.

Hey, I'd love to help you.

This is what I'm doing.

What do you think?

Would you like to know more versus I'm great, rah, and

just keep talking and talking.

And You actually push people away with that potentially.

And there's all kinds of salespeople from different kinds

of people who like a hard sell.

Maybe, I don't know.

However, if we're self monitoring, if we're pausing, if we're paying

attention, then we can create.

a business environment that is civil, respectful, and invitational.

Best salespeople are the people who listen.

And I love that old saying, selling ain't telling, asking is, but you have to ask

and then let the other person answer.

And it's interesting because people who feel fully heard are happy

with the conversation, right?

So I think that's for so many people, just letting them talk.

And I think that's where a really good salesperson understands.

That you do less talking and more listening.

And then that person feels like it was a great conversation

because they felt heard.

So I think that's very powerful.

And I also think that you pointed out something really important,

Kirsten, that's listening.

Because oftentimes when we stop talking, we let the other person talk, but we're

thinking, what am I going to say next?

What am I going to say next?

Instead of actively listening to what their points are or

to what their challenges are.

And that's That's really important.

It's probably what I think of as the most important communicative

behavior that nobody ever teaches you.

So I know that you also wanted to talk about how to choose your register, and

we touched on that a little bit earlier, but do you want to expand on that?

Yes, absolutely.

So I was speaking with somebody we both know, Terry Levine about she and her

husband had owned a business and she's a very, she's a gregarious person.

She loves people.

And so sometimes the artists would come in, they had an

art gallery to pick up stuff.

And she would talk to them if they came in, have a chat.

However, one day she wasn't there and the artist came in to pick it up.

She said, I'm here to pick up my work.

He said, okay, stay there.

I'll be right back.

And he went and got it.

He said, is it good?

Yeah.

And she left.

And then she called Terry and said, he hates me.

So the thing that I was talking with her about is this idea that man,

it's not male or female language.

It's powerful language, but it's also depends upon the position that you're in.

So if I am in working with somebody with public speaking, let's say, and

I really want to tell them, let's say, stop playing with your hair.

That's what I want to say.

But I don't say that because they're already nervous.

Okay.

Now, I'm the person in a position of power.

I am the coach.

I have 30 years of experience.

I got here.

However, I'm going to say to them, Hey, I noticed that you've been

playing with your hair a lot.

Is that something that you do?

Oh yeah, I think it might be better if you played with your hair less

to make your speech more powerful.

Same message, very different thing.

So that's my register.

Just like when we talk to children.

I don't know if you guys have any children in your lives, but I have young

nieces and nephews and I might say, Oh, hey, Peter, do you need to go potty?

That's fine.

If I say, hey, Jeanne, do you need to go potty?

That doesn't fly.

The language we choose and the way that we speak.

If it's an emergency situation, I might say stop and shout, but in a

normal situation I wouldn't do that.

So then again, if you're, you have a business and you're a male and

you're a big guy, I have brothers, they're huge, six foot three.

I would be very careful when I'm speaking to female employees

or other people or my family.

Clients, because you're already intimidating.

You already have the physical power.

You already have the power of being a male presence.

Sometimes we might want to modify that.

So if Terry's husband had say, Hey, thanks for coming.

Because now he realizes the power distance is like, so different, right?

He's the boss, he's this, and she's the artist and she's already vulnerable.

So that's why we decide What language do I use?

What verbals and non verbals do I use given this situation?

And that's another thing with self monitoring.

Know your audience.

You guys know this for sure.

Know your audience.

Who am I speaking to?

What language will I use?

And how do I want them to receive the message?

This has been so fantastic, Victoria.

You are full of so many great ideas and thoughts.

And now I'm going to have to think about everything I say, but how would

you like, if there are listeners who want to reach out to you because they

want help with their communication and their communication style, what's

the best way for them to reach you?

I have a presence on Facebook, Victoria Chai or Chai Connections on Facebook.

I also have a Facebook group that I love to invite people to

call the Communication Sandbox.

And so if you want to go there, I do post videos and tips.

And when I have workshops and such, those things are there.

Additionally, I do have a website, Chi Connections Coaching and Consulting.

It's under construction right now.

So you can go there and find out basic information, but I'm redoing it.

Maybe by January, it'll be up and running fully.

Perfect.

We can put all of your links in the show notes below.

Yep.

That's perfect.

The communication sandbox.

I'm going to be heading there after this.

So thank you so much for joining us today, Victoria.

This has been such a pleasure and so informative and just thought provoking

about how we do communicate, whether it's in business, in home, online, offline.

So thank you so much for helping us all.

Thank you so much for having me.

It's been a joy and a pleasure.

Thanks for listening to the six figure business mastery podcast.

If you enjoyed listening to this episode and you are ready to leverage video

marketing on all online platforms, or maybe even start your own video

podcast, then you need to check out the done for you and done with you

program at the marketing VA advantage.

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