1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,440
Stand Up For Yourself,

2
00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:03,440
Set Boundaries,

3
00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:06,680
& Stop Pleasing Others (if that’s okay with you…)

4
00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:08,040
(Be Confident and Fearless Book 9)

5
00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:08,200
Written by

6
00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:09,080
Patrick King

7
00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:10,440
Narrated by Russell Newton.

8
00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:16,320
Picture a couple having an argument.

9
00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:18,760
Voices are raised and things are getting heated.

10
00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:19,000
Then,

11
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:20,200
all of a sudden,

12
00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:22,320
Person A starts smiling sweetly.

13
00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:23,720
“Look,

14
00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:25,400
let’s just forget this whole thing,

15
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:26,400
okay?

16
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:27,600
It’s all so silly;

17
00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:29,040
it doesn’t matter.

18
00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:31,560
You’re right about everything.

19
00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:32,880
Can I make you some cocoa?

20
00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:34,360
With marshmallows?

21
00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:35,080
What else would you like?"

22
00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:38,200
Person B is confused,

23
00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:43,400
wondering where all the hugs and kisses are coming from and what happened to the argument they were having only seconds ago.

24
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:48,600
Person B has witnessed what is called the “fawning response."

25
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,680
In the face of trauma and conflict,

26
00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,640
some people respond with anger,

27
00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:55,320
some respond by fleeing ...and some,

28
00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:56,560
like Person A,

29
00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:59,480
respond with a flood of appeasing,

30
00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:00,600
soothing,

31
00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:02,040
and conciliatory behavior.

32
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:05,800
“Fight or flight” is an option for some people,

33
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,720
but for those with a history of trauma,

34
00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:13,560
another option when faced with threat is to go into fawning mode and try to make it all better.

35
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:18,200
Picture an animal defensively rolling onto its back,

36
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:25,080
trying to appear as meek and agreeable as possible so that it’s spared by a powerful predator.

37
00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:29,960
Fawning is an attempt to fly under the radar rather than engage in conflict.

38
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:32,280
It’s a way of deflecting attention.

39
00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:34,280
In a crisis or disagreement,

40
00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:36,560
is your first instinct to soothe,

41
00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:37,320
calm,

42
00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:39,120
or please others?

43
00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:45,200
Do you do anything to avoid conflict—even if that means ignoring your own needs?

44
00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:46,800
In a stressful interaction,

45
00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:50,240
is your focus on other people’s emotions?

46
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:54,000
Fawning behavior is actually a kind of trauma response.

47
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:54,680
This behavior,

48
00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:55,520
in other words,

49
00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:58,240
is something you might have learned in childhood,

50
00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:03,360
where “rolling over” this way was the only thing that helped you survive conflict.

51
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:09,440
Some people may also find that their fawning behavior accompanies the tendency to freeze during conflict.

52
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:10,880
Maybe your mind goes blank,

53
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:12,320
your heart races,

54
00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:13,960
and you dissociate.

55
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:17,720
You are the proverbial “deer in headlights."

56
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:26,480
At the core of this fawning and freezing behavior is the unconscious core belief - “the price for peace with others is compliance.

57
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,320
If I make other people happy,

58
00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:30,640
then I will be safe."

59
00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:34,680
The mindset is one where safety is all that matters,

60
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:39,520
and your goal is to do whatever it takes to achieve that safety.

61
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:41,360
Michael had an abusive father growing up.

62
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:43,520
His father would get angry,

63
00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:43,840
yell,

64
00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:45,360
and break things around the home,

65
00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:49,080
going on rampages that would terrify the family.

66
00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:49,680
Early on,

67
00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:51,840
as a young and defenseless child,

68
00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:56,880
Michael learned that the best strategy was to do whatever it took to appease his father’s anger.

69
00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:59,520
This meant agreeing with everything he said,

70
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:02,280
quickly complying with any requests,

71
00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:06,560
and generally making himself as small and non-threatening as possible.

72
00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:07,560
After all,

73
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:08,960
if he made one wrong move,

74
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:11,720
his father would interpret it as a threat,

75
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:14,160
and then more abuse would follow.

76
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:19,360
Michael became so good at this strategy that he even learned to pre-empt his father’s moods,

77
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:25,680
walking on eggshells and finding ways to manage his strong emotions on his father’s behalf.

78
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:30,200
Here is the sad thing - this approach genuinely did work for Michael.

79
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:32,280
It did prevent conflict and keep him safe.

80
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:33,920
But in adulthood,

81
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:36,960
Michael realized what this safety cost him.

82
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:42,280
Those who use fawning behavior are often confused about their own boundaries,

83
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,280
unable to meet their own needs,

84
00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:44,520
and,

85
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:45,440
ironically,

86
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:48,880
vulnerable to more abuse.

87
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:52,080
Not all people-pleasers are doing so as a part of a fawning response,

88
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:54,280
but if this is the case for you,

89
00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:59,320
know that there are ways to heal and rewrite the narrative for yourself.

90
00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:06,000
Your task will be to change the core belief that compliance = safety.

91
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:15,320
Those with abusive backgrounds may also strike another unconscious bargain - “If I attach myself to this powerful person and make them need and like me,

92
00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:17,360
then I can win favor and be safe."

93
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:23,320
But that powerful person may well be the same person who is creating the lack of safety in the first place!

94
00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:26,440
It’s not unlike Stockholm Syndrome,

95
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:30,600
where hostages attempt to control an abusive dynamic by bonding with their captor.

96
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:38,080
People who default to fawning behavior would sooner absorb any emotional blow than speak up,

97
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:39,680
say no,

98
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:40,720
and face the fallout.

99
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:42,880
Unfortunately,

100
00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:48,840
knowing how to erect and assert healthy boundaries is a part of being a mature adult.

101
00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:50,080
How do we get out of this bind?

102
00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:52,720
Get Professional Help.

103
00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:56,720
P. T. S. D. (post-traumatic stress disorder)

104
00:04:56,720 --> 00:05:00,360
is seldom something that people can deal with on their own.

105
00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:01,240
A mental health professional,

106
00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:01,680
however,

107
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:08,080
can point you in the direction of evidence-based therapies that can help you rewire both your body and mind,

108
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:11,640
and untangle the learned trauma response.

109
00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:15,320
Consider EMDR therapy,

110
00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:16,480
medication,

111
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:21,200
and talk therapy—or a combination of all three.

112
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:22,160
Reparent Yourself.

113
00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:26,600
Today’s dysfunction was yesterday’s coping mechanism.

114
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:33,120
Dr. Arielle Schwatz is a C-P. T. S. D. (complex P. T. S. D. )

115
00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:41,400
expert and explains that abusive or dysfunctional parenting can create children who are hyper-focused on their parents’ emotions.

116
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,760
To survive an unhealthy home environment,

117
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:48,920
these children felt compelled to take care of their parents’ emotional needs.

118
00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:50,280
To do this,

119
00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:52,840
they needed to suppress their needs.

120
00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:57,080
They also needed to put their authentic selves and their feelings on the back burner.

121
00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:59,800
These feelings are still there,

122
00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:00,200
however,

123
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:10,360
and may show up in adulthood as the tendency to recreate these same “enmeshed” or codependent relationships (more on codependency in a later chapter).

124
00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:12,920
Cut off from their own needs,

125
00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:14,760
such people may feel numb,

126
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,240
dissociated,

127
00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:17,280
and inauthentic.

128
00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:27,400
The insight of “inner child work” and re-parenting yourself is that we are able to give ourselves today what we did not receive as children.

129
00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,080
In the past,

130
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:33,240
we had to adapt in certain ways to survive less-than-ideal childhoods,

131
00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:34,080
but now,

132
00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:34,880
as adults,

133
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:36,120
we have a choice.

134
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:39,960
We can rewrite the core belief of “To be safe,

135
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:44,440
I must comply” to “I am allowed to be who I am.

136
00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:45,240
I am a good person.

137
00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:49,080
It is safe to have needs and to ask for them to be met."

138
00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:53,520
Overcoming a difficult childhood takes time,

139
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,080
but it can be done -

140
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:57,600
•Set boundaries.

141
00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:04,200
Have limits and defend those limits (more on this in Chapter 6).

142
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:08,440
•Stop explaining yourself or justifying your choices.

143
00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:12,080
You don’t owe that to people.

144
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:14,440
•Allow someone else to do the work for a change.

145
00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:18,720
Delegate or ask for help instead of doing it all yourself.

146
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:23,360
•Promise not to abandon your inner child.

147
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:28,560
Decide that your priority will be to protect and defend them,

148
00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:33,160
rather than to serve the interests of bullies or those who trample on your boundaries.

149
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:39,680
•Be your own mother (give yourself unconditional compassion and love)

150
00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:45,760
and your own father (protect yourself with solid boundaries—and defend them!).

151
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:49,960
Reconnect With Your Principles And Values.

152
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:56,120
Fawners have substituted their own judgment with the needs and demands of others.

153
00:07:56,120 --> 00:08:01,640
But you strengthen and orient yourself when you remind yourself of what’s important to you,

154
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:02,240
and why.

155
00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:05,520
It may take time to clarify your authentic self,

156
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,600
find out what you truly want in life,

157
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:10,480
not to mention find the courage to express it.

158
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:15,960
But you may also find that speaking up is itself something that gives you courage.

159
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,600
For fawners,

160
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,760
it can be scary to be “seen."

161
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,000
But in small ways,

162
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:25,480
you can challenge yourself to speak up and express your genuine opinion,

163
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:30,080
even if it goes against other peoples’ opinions or causes a little friction.

164
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:38,680
People who have learned to fawn over others are unaware of their secret superpower - that they have the ability to create safety for themselves.

165
00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:43,040
That they can be safe in their own convictions.

166
00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:46,920
They do not have to strike a deal with anyone to feel safe,

167
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:48,960
but can feel safe right now.

168
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:53,440
Become An Expert On Your Own Feelings.

169
00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:57,760
Fawners are experts at other people’s feelings.

170
00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:04,000
They may be so tuned into other peoples’ needs that they seem psychic at times.

171
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:04,760
However,

172
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:08,160
what they’re not good at is knowing how they feel.

173
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:10,840
If you’re a people-pleasing fawner,

174
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:14,160
you may have learned early in life to turn your emotions off.

175
00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:16,440
What good would that do,

176
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:16,920
anyway,

177
00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:19,720
since there’s no chance of them being heard or respected,

178
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:19,960
right?

179
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,520
But by dissociating,

180
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:28,520
you sever your mind-body connection and lose touch with who you are on a very deep level.

181
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:38,680
You may even find yourself feeling lost and vague—who are you amidst all these other people and their desires and demands?

182
00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:46,520
There are plenty of ways to reconnect with your genuine feelings and to slowly teach yourself that it is safe to feel - .

183
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:51,920
•Try body-mind strengthening activities like dance or yoga.

184
00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:56,840
Drop any expectations or “shoulds” about how to move your body,

185
00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:58,600
and listen to how it wants to move.

186
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:03,440
•“Befriend” the emotions that emerge in you,

187
00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:04,160
whatever they are.

188
00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:08,640
Literally picture your feelings as people sitting around a table.

189
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,560
Welcome them all and ask them what they have to say.

190
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:14,600
Your feelings were not heard as a child,

191
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:17,080
but you can listen to them now as an adult.

192
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:25,320
•Prick your ears and watch out for feelings of guilt—the signature emotion of the fawn response.

193
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:37,040
Try the “separation of tasks” exercise above and consciously choose to let go of things that are not your responsibility and not under your control.

194
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:38,400
Have Fun!

195
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:46,600
One amazing way to gently shift the tendency to fawn over others is to encourage the opposite mindset,

196
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:47,560
i.e.,

197
00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:48,960
one that is playful,

198
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,120
carefree,

199
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:50,720
and creative.

200
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:52,720
As a child,

201
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:56,880
you were meant to be loved and kept safe so that you could enjoy yourself,

202
00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:57,760
grow,

203
00:10:57,760 --> 00:10:59,240
and explore the world.

204
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:06,320
That sense of play and exploration was cut short with a premature feeling of responsibility for others.

205
00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:10,480
You may have developed the opinion that having fun was too risky,

206
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:14,800
and that it may actually be dangerous to relax your vigilance for even a second.

207
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,040
It’s all very serious!

208
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:18,240
But right now,

209
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:22,640
you can reconnect with that sense of innocence that you may have missed out on.

210
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:29,160
Take your inner child out on a “playdate” and ask them what they really want to do.

211
00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:30,440
No,

212
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:31,760
it doesn’t have to make sense,

213
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:32,800
and no,

214
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:34,760
nobody else’s opinion matters.

215
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:41,520
Maybe you buy yourself some silly craft supplies or go for a walk without any idea of where you’ll go.

216
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:48,720
Maybe you just enjoy having a free afternoon without any plan at all and zero idea of what you’re “supposed to do."

217
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:51,680
If it’s fun and it makes you happy,

218
00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:52,800
why not?

219
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:57,360
This has been

220
00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:59,200
Stand Up For Yourself,

221
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:00,440
Set Boundaries,

222
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:08,680
& Stop Pleasing Others (if that’s okay with you…) (Be Confident and Fearless Book 9) Written by

223
00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:10,240
Patrick King

224
00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:16,920
Narrated by Russell Newton.