[00:00:00] Nina Endrst: Hi, I'm Nina Endrst.

[00:00:05] Anna Toonk: I'm Anna Toonk.

[00:00:06] Nina Endrst: Welcome to how to be human.

[00:00:08] Anna Toonk: A podcast that explores the common and often confusing themes of humanness.

[00:00:12] Nina Endrst: On this episode, Anna and I discuss beginnings.

[00:00:15] Anna Toonk: Take a seat clear mind and let's chat.

Hello.

[00:00:24] Nina Endrst: It feels very early for us. So early, so early. It's 10:00 AM. I mean, I've already had a day, but I'm still very early. Yeah. What have you seen like six clients by now? Well, actually not six. You've seen 1, 2, 3 crazy and craziness. I'm proud of myself that I ate a bagel and got a coffee. I like shoved breakfast

[00:00:49] Anna Toonk: in my mouth on the way to work out.

I also exercised

[00:00:53] Nina Endrst: not to

you know, got it.

[00:01:00] Anna Toonk: I'm excited to talk about this topic. As I was showering this morning also showered. I was like, huh, I have so many. Ways I would like to go. One of the things I would like to do is maybe not say, fuck as much as I usually do in an episode. I'd like to begin that

[00:01:18] Nina Endrst: today. Well, it is a new moon plant that seed of intention

[00:01:24] Anna Toonk: a lot, apologize to all the children, listening

[00:01:32] Nina Endrst: a little ears, listers. Do you feel like you curse a lot as a person? I

[00:01:37] Anna Toonk: curse so much and I have this insecurity around it sometimes not really a lot, but when I think about it, I remember the. You know, quotes or moments where people have said that just makes you sound like you're not very intelligent and yeah.

You know, is that means you don't have the words. I'm like, no, I have plenty of words. I just really

[00:02:00] Nina Endrst: like the word. Fuck. Yeah. You have a great vocabulary. What are they talking about?

[00:02:04] Anna Toonk: But really the only reason

why

[00:02:06] Nina Endrst: I care about it. That's funny. Were you allowed to curse growing up? Yes, we weren't. And then as we became teenagers, both my brother and I went through phases of, you know, just like my brother, especially just so gratuitous, you know, when my mom was like, okay, fine.

Like your teenagers are like, we were in college or whatever was like, I'm not. Admonish you, if you swear, you know, and my brother would just be like, so mom, what fucking place we fucking going for fucking dinner? Like just got like crazy. And she was like, relax. Like, I'm gonna meet you, like

[00:02:45] Anna Toonk: all the sugar.

Right. As soon as you're allowed. Yeah, exactly. I think it would have worn off for me by now, but it just, it gives me a thrill every time.

[00:02:55] Nina Endrst: It's fun. I only notice it sometimes if I'm with people who aren't swearing at all, and then I feel almost like my brother as a teenager, I feel like every word I'm saying it's fucked.

And I think, and then you try to like reign it in and then you're like, fuck, fuck it. He puck. And you're like, oh my God. Now I'm

[00:03:11] Anna Toonk: rolling word. I can say no seriously.

[00:03:16] Nina Endrst: So how's your kind of a mom. Oh,

[00:03:20] Anna Toonk: Deb. Totally.

[00:03:22] Nina Endrst: I just like, I don't even believe that. I just, ah, you know,

[00:03:26] Anna Toonk: so what are we talking about today?

[00:03:29] Nina Endrst: Beginnings? It's funny sometimes, like I try to. You know, I just tried to put beginnings into the old internet and say definition. And it's like, this is a plural of another word. I'm like, oh, relax, Oxford languages, relax. You know, so begin named plural. Now beginnings the point in time or space at which something starts, he left at the beginning of February.

The first part or earliest stage of something, the ending of one relationship and the beginning of another, the background or origins of anything. He had risen from humble beginnings to great wealth. He wasn't really surprised it was one of the few ones. I've looked up. It wasn't like, wow, that's what that means.

I was like, oh, I

[00:04:22] Anna Toonk: know what the beginning is

[00:04:24] Nina Endrst: confident in this topic. Yeah. I might not be smart based on how much I swear that I don't, I can't find words, but I did know that one, but I remember when we were kind of doing CapEx, uh, we got, you know, when we were thinking about what we wanted to talk about, we got excited about this one and it also felt.

Like it felt really tied into like what we've all been through with the pandemic of like, it feels, I don't know, is it spring? Is it because we're between variants? Is it because of doing new things, you and I felt really tapped into beginning energy. Do you still feel that way?

[00:05:05] Anna Toonk: I'm kind of annoyed at beginnings today and

[00:05:07] Nina Endrst: this

[00:05:12] Anna Toonk: So when I was thinking about it, I'm like, yeah. Pick this fucking

[00:05:16] Nina Endrst: ma I was like, beginnings are so annoying. Literally.

[00:05:19] Anna Toonk: I was like, just death. Let's just talk about death. That's that? I remember being very excited and almost just inspired by it when we chose it. Right. And now I don't feel that sparkle right now today.

You know, I'm also really sick of. This happens every year and I've lived on the east coast, my entire life, except for the years I lived in Mexico. I know that the. Is this way every single year and yet in March, I'm like, can we get on with it already? Like, I am really tired of gloom and rain and I'm just feel damp and it's just gross.

And so I'm just ready to start a new season. I'm ready for some sun. I did really well this winter, but now I just feel anxious and. Hold up and you know, I'm a home body to the fullest degree. Yeah. But I just am ready to start something. And I also just feel, we just started something new and then we keep starting at new and different ways.

It's just driving me crazy. Like even switching podcast platform, hosting platforms, I'm like, well, now I have to start all over with what I'm looking at. And it's just, it's been really, I've been rubbing up against the edges. This week.

[00:06:40] Nina Endrst: It's so annoying. I mean, I think that there's such an energy when you begin something that is like exciting and.

You know, it feels like this burst of energy, you know, like beginnings or like, I love the ACEs in taro. Like I, I like a burst of like to get, I think it's a gift. And I think also sometimes like beginning. Your anxiety can also convert into excitement that also helps like bolster you, you know, but once that initial what's that initial little high fades, it's like, oh fuck.

Now I gotta like figure shit out. I got to, where are the analytics that I'm after? Like, where's that like, I just want to know. I just want to, you know, like be in it in some way, but I think beginnings are. Easy. I think it's the sticking with it. That's harder, but I think beginnings make us all feel a little bit like little kids.

So like, I don't Lang I don't want to add, you know, I also think we've had bizarre weather lately that I'm like, This sort of like sorta Chile, but very human thing is going to have to go. I don't need to be shivering, but also have frizz. I'm going to need it to pick that. Just for me, that's just a personal request I have for the planet.

Are

[00:08:08] Anna Toonk: we talking about the middle? Is that what we're also talking about? Because I think I love beginnings too. I think most, a lot of people hate them by the way I do. And I'm scared of them as much as I'm scared of certain ones and certain ones. Thrilled about, I love beginning new projects. I love starting with a new client.

I love, you know, I loved being with my husband at the beginning. I still love him obviously, but I, a lot of people have trouble with starting. And I think that there's a hesitation that you and I don't really have. Or we don't seem to have around that initial just let's do it. You know, that, that comes very naturally to both of us.

[00:08:57] Nina Endrst: Let's just do it. Yeah. I agree. I think that something. I've gotten better at, I think I've always been able to begin things, you know, like I think I've always been able to just sort of do it, but I think my time sort of circling the pool and dipping a toe in before I would dive in, I think that times gotten smaller and smaller and smaller as I get older.

Cause I'm just. You're not going to know until you do it. Like, you're not gonna know unless you began it. Like, you're not gonna really know what you're dealing with. You're not gonna know if you like it. Like you're not going to really have any of the information that you want until you just do it, you know?

And I think that you and I are good at kind of like getting clear on that of like, okay, what do we want to begin? Like, there might be a lot of things we're thinking about are like, should we do this? Should we do that? And then it's like, When we're really gonna, you know, dive into the pool, we get really clear on what it is.

And I don't think we have a lot of hesitation, but I think that it is interesting. I think, a common miss date, or I don't want to be judgmental about it, but I think, yeah, I want to say mistake. I think a lot of people. Overthink and try to like, think their way. Like, even if you're cool with, with beginning things, even if you're cool with taking risks, you're cool with all of that.

Like there's still always going to be discomfort. There's still going to be, you know, you're going to be freaked out or you're going to be a little nervous or scared, whatever. I think a common mistake people make is. Thinking thinking, thinking, waiting, waiting, waiting, stalling, selling, selling until they feel a hundred percent certain.

And I don't know that that ever come. I think often we have to begin before. We're totally sure.

[00:11:05] Anna Toonk: I think we always have to begin before. We're really ready. What does ready even mean? You know, and yeah. Also I think a common misconception is that just because you start thinking. That are new or just because you move places or I think I've talked about this before, but maybe not. When I decided to move to Mexico, I, it was an instant, it was like, this is what I need to begin.

This is what my body needs. This is what my heart needs. This is what my life needs. I'm just going to do it. And that's it. And I, you know, had no doubt and truly no fear until I landed there. And was on the beach and it was pitch black and there weren't tons of people there at that point in. And I was like, what did I just do?

I live in Mexico now. Fuck Nina. Because I don't hesitate. I just jumped right into the deep end. And often that. Means that I'm slow to catch up on the holy shit moments, but just because your, you know, it's right for you, just because you know that you want to change something up or explore something new doesn't mean that you don't have to also accept the fear and hesitation and discomfort that comes with those decisions and insecurity.

[00:12:24] Nina Endrst: And it doesn't mean that they're wrong. I think a lot of times too, when you do something like our used to be a lot more, just jump into the deep end and then like just dumb stuff would happen where I'd be like, Hmm. If I'd maybe been a little bit more methodical when I did that, I could have saved myself some annoyances, you know, of just dumb stuff.

Like I built my website and it's like, I didn't know what I was doing. I am not as Squarespace is the person, you know, and like, does it work? Is it fine? Yeah. But like, are there things that are recurring that are annoying? Yes. You know, do I get tired of sending that email? When people send me questions, you know, going like, I'm just like, uh, I just am not a coder.

And I built my site. Like, that's just a flaw, you know, it makes me feel really cool that like, if I had sought it out. You know, like, I think that that's sometimes what's tricky if I had waited or like been like, I'm going to hire someone to do my site. I never would have done it. You know, like I think at that point I was working in TV.

I wouldn't have paid someone. Like, I mean, we know from doing rebrands and stuff, it's like, I wouldn't have paid someone $10,000 to do my taro side. I just, would've been like, that's insane. You might as well say it's a million dollars, you know, like I just don't think I would have. Put that investment in myself, you know, and this is something that I've learned a lot as well.

It was like toggling between the quest for perfection will keep you from doing a lot, but like sometimes just leaping also means. You didn't really think it through. And like, you didn't really think about what are the implications of this or what, how does this ripple out or whatever. And sometimes it's not a big deal.

It's like a website and you just you're like, is that annoying? Yes. Like, do I wish I had like, sort of thought about it? Sure. But like, it's not the end of the world. It could be different to like end up in a different country. It'd be like, oh shit. Maybe, you know, like, I mean, it was the best decision I ever made.

Yeah. I mean, and it's like, but that's also too. I feel like. Dust rises in us. Like you it's like, there's such a freedom that comes from doing something and be willing to say, I don't know, and go, I don't have to be freaked out. Like I don't have to be freaked out that I'm in Mexico and I don't know what the fuck I've done or, and I don't know why they exploded my life.

It's like, well, I'm going to figure it out. Am I hungry? I'll get dinner in Mexico first. You know, it's like,

[00:14:55] Anna Toonk: You know, you tire habanero pepper. Oh my God. I die in Mexico.

[00:15:02] Nina Endrst: Oh yeah. I was trying to be all fancy and shit and blended up these Chipotle peppers. And normally those are not that spicy. And I've seen all these like cool girls on Instagram do it.

Well, I did it in nearly died and Nina was like, I feel your pain. I ate a whole habanero pepper. And I was like having like sympathy, like my own lips were still burning and I was like, oh, no. Thinking about a habanero. It was both comforted and like horrified. But I do think sometimes that can be being willing to begin things where guard, bus of how it went.

You know, like if, if it went somewhere or not, or I saw it through. Taught me stuff in that being willing to go. Like, I don't know. There's a lot about my life now when people are like, so are you going to become like a podcaster? I'm like, I don't know, like I'm enjoying it now. It seems to work for me. You know?

It's like, I don't know. Like I don't like, that's the truth of it. And I find that releases so much anxiety for me that lets me do more and go on homo, you know, like, let's see.

[00:16:12] Anna Toonk: I think people think it's the opposite often. I have to remind myself all the time that the happiest I've ever been the most successful I've ever been is, are the times when I'm not in this planning or not that it's not structured in some way, but I'm not.

I'm just at the beginning of something. And I would like to be, I think both of you, both you and. Are at a point in our lives where we both are pretty established in certain ways. Right. So there are things that maybe we would have done in our twenties that we're not trying to do in our like late thirties and early forties.

Right. Yeah. But stopping smoking. Yeah. Smoking that's the only, it that's, it that's the only one, the magic and the. And I wonder if, if the outcome, if you don't know the outcome, which you don't, when you begin anything, you know, you, you just do it anyway, and then you look back and you're like, oh, wow. I'm so glad I started that.

But you're, there's no way to know no amount of time or reading or planning. Tell your future, no amount of readings. I mean, as much as like there's ha there support in that and there's, you know, guidance in that you can't know. Nobody

[00:17:35] Nina Endrst: knows. Yeah. Yeah. And it's just the journey. Do you think I'm glad you brought up readings because it's something we do and it's something we get, you know, we like readings.

We like creating.

[00:17:52] Anna Toonk: Yeah. We're prorating from a pro evaporating,

[00:17:57] Nina Endrst: all of it. You know, whether it's the, the taro or it's a book we're pro reading. I found the more that my career progressed, the less interested in. I became in knowing how something was going to go. The lake more trusting. I became, like, I think when I first came to taro and first came to this stuff, I was like, you know, in meditation, or even being able to sort of like, you know, talk to like spirit guides and things like that, or like kind of commune with my dad or something.

I loved it as a magic eight ball, for sure. I was like, Ooh, what a way to like tap into things. And I wouldn't say I was like, Being super, like, tell me what's going to happen, or am I going to get this promotion? Or is this guy gonna ask me, like, it wasn't super way, but like definitely. And anything that I was really like, hopped up on, like, I'm going to do this.

I am so bluntly got readings around. And now I would say I don't as much, like if I happen to feel called to get a reading, of course I'll like, bring it up or be like, you know, career this or whatever. But I think I'm, I think sometimes the more information you have, isn't helpful, like kind of the whole point is in, in lots of things that.

Your beginning is like to kind of fly blind in order to figure things out. In order. I think there is something to be said about that, that it deepens our self-trust or something, because if you were starting a business and you come to me and ask her reading, and I said, oh my God, it's going to be successful.

It's like, how much has that really changed? Your decision-making like, it probably doesn't. It probably just makes you feel a little bit better inside, you know, that I think I started to see. Anything I was really stressed about or like anxious about, or like, oh my gosh, please tell me like, cleaning Tara was going to work out or whatever.

It's like, unless I did the work inside, unless I really felt connected to my decisions, unless I really felt good about what I was doing. It just didn't matter what came from the external. So when. What has been maybe some of your relationship with like beginnings readings and like prediction, like how do you, how much do you want prediction now or does your prediction come from inside?

[00:20:28] Anna Toonk: inside. And also when I read for people, I read. Around it. I don't read it because that I find is what's most helpful to them. Like what, what are the things that kind of get you here or get you there or surface because when you're in transition or when you're at the beginning of something, instead of like, what is the beginning and where is it this going?

Or what is this yeah. Thing. I try to stay away from specifics a lot of the time, because I don't think it's. You know, I don't consider myself like I'm an intuitive and I definitely have psychic abilities, but I don't, I don't call myself a psychic. I don't, I don't, I wouldn't label myself as that. And so I do like to dig with people and with myself around the.

The stuff, instead of just going directly into the thing, because

[00:21:25] Nina Endrst: giving an example, like if someone's like, I want to start a business or you, you're not like, let's talk about the business. You're like, what support will you need for this business? Like what resources can you. Well, what's an example

[00:21:38] Anna Toonk: worth, right?

Like I'll read like, yeah.

[00:21:42] Nina Endrst: Yeah. That's a good, that's why I wanted you to give the example. I knew the sexier that's sexy. That's a sexy thing to focus on. Yes. Super sexy.

[00:21:52] Anna Toonk: So, yes. And that way to people are. And I learned that way to trust my instincts. Trust my, I just got a reading last, I don't know, the day after the day before my birthday.

And it was like really mad and I don't mean that as an insult to her, but I just think it was, I told Anna I've been ghosted by so many different healers in six months and this one was 15 minutes late and I was like, ready to just be like, okay, obviously I'm not meant to get rid of. Like message received.

She

[00:22:26] Nina Endrst: was like, what the fuck? She, Nina texted me and was like, okay. I think go sit by the fifth healer. And I obviously, as we talk every day, I was like, I knew you had been, I was like, what? The link again? Oh, wow.

[00:22:40] Anna Toonk: Was that possible? Right. But she ended up getting on the phone and it was just, I don't know.

Sometimes you just don't gel with people either. Right? Like she was in California. I honestly don't do really well with people from California. I. Need like east coast. I think when it's very east coast energy, I'm very east coast energy. I appreciate, um, it's not like I welcome west coasters. It's just when I'm getting a reading or what I'm in vibing that way, it just, I need like kind of straight shooting.

So anyway, what I found was I was asking more specific questions than I ever do. When she was answering to me, I hierarchy like knew the answers. And I also was just like, ma I don't know. I just, it just felt flat for me. And. It's because I think partly because I was in a mood because she was late, but also because thank

[00:23:35] Nina Endrst: you for the accountability.

I was in a mood because she was late. I was,

[00:23:38] Anna Toonk: I came in with a chip on my shoulder and also I was a little bit skeptical because I, I just always am a little bit, not like a lot, but a little and discerning, not skeptical. And so, but then. It was more of, I needed the support I needed to ask for the support I really needed around the stuff I was asking for.

So for instance, I was asking about having a second child. I'm having a lot of anxiety about potentially having a second baby. I'm either worried about dying or worried about. Miscarrying or were

[00:24:12] Nina Endrst: you laughing? I'm not funny. It's just that you're, I think it's that you don't dance around it. You're like, I'm worried about dying.

I'm worried like that. You're just straight into, like, I'm worried about the word.

[00:24:23] Anna Toonk: I'm worried about the worst case scenarios, which I was not in any way, shape or form when I was pregnant with Milo at all, I was not worried about a thing. I did not worry about a thing. With like an out of body experience for me, because I, I was prepared, I think, to be kind of anxious.

I don't know, but I just wasn't ever anyway. So this beginning she read what many, many people have read for me in the past couple of years when I'm able to get them on the phone, which is there's a little girl in waiting.

[00:24:56] Nina Endrst: There's a shave and read that there was a little girl for you. I think you did too.

I knew that there was a baby, but I knew I was like, there's one available. Like she's, I'm pretty sure it was a little girl. I don't know.

[00:25:05] Anna Toonk: I just felt like, like when you're doing jump rope and what's that game, is it hopscotch? Double Dutch. Yeah.

[00:25:14] Nina Endrst: So she's like, she's ready to jump in,

[00:25:15] Anna Toonk: you know,

[00:25:16] Nina Endrst: whatever, whatever.

It's really funny to think of a baby. Right?

[00:25:21] Anna Toonk: I'm like she needs support. She can't

[00:25:26] Nina Endrst: oh man. Visuals, I'm not mature enough for him. So like

[00:25:32] Anna Toonk: what's happening here?

[00:25:35] Nina Endrst: How big is this baby? Does an angel toss her in or a stork? How does this work? Oh

[00:25:42] Anna Toonk: man. So I'm anxious about the beginning of that. And I, and I'm kind of I'm of the mind to, of supporting yourself through, because we have to, the change that is one day you could be.

One, one thing and the next day you could be another, right. So I can't expect myself to be like, I'm good at beginnings. Why am I having a hard time with this

[00:26:07] Nina Endrst: one? I was going to say that it's funny. Like, I think I'm good at beginning. Something like, I can go, like, I want to do this and do it. You know, I think when I'm less good about is when I feel myself moving into something, but maybe.

The external isn't fully realized, oh my God, in your life. Now you're speaking to myself when you're like, oh, I know for me, like, I don't have kids, but I am in my forties. And in which he, a big thing is like maiden mother crone, that those are the phases of being a woman, you know? And I realized when I. I was like, well, I'm definitely not a maiden.

I'm a little long in the tooth for me when I'm not upset, you know? And I was like, I could, and I could really feel things sort of shifting whether it was like, what kind of clients I was attracting. Like a lot of younger women were starting to seek me out and like, It was like, it wasn't necessarily, I think sometimes the trickiest experiences are when, like it's not necessarily good or bad, it wasn't positive or negative.

It was just weird. It was weird dif it's like we only kind of get the park somewhere for a little while and then it's like, Oh, I'm somewhere new. Like, it's interesting to me that a lot of people come to me for readings, not when their marriage is in trouble or anything, but when they're in a new place and they're like, we've been together seven years or we're kind of like, it really feels like we're starting a new chapter, you know, which I find.

Fascinating. Cause I do think when we feel something shifting is also why we have a really high potential to like wild out, you know, I was like, I understand midlife crisis is now like before the pandemic, I started to feel. Insane of like, what is my life been about? What do I want to do? Have I wasted it don't think so, what do I want to do with the rest of, and I was like, I understand why a lot of people like explode their lives.

There's a feeling, the discomfort of realizing you're not really young anymore, but you're also not old. And really, truly being smack in the middle is so uncomfortable that I get why people explode their lives and something. My mom added that. Sort of comforting. Not really. I don't know. She got me a weird youngian book about the middle passage is she's like Adam, you know, we used to die so young that people haven't really explored.

Middle-aged like middle-aged is a new concept. Thanks, mom, loving that for all of us. Like, oh, you used to die around now. So we don't really know what it's like, like you probably

[00:29:00] Anna Toonk: won't now

[00:29:02] Nina Endrst: there no map, so good luck. Charted territory. How wonderful. So there's no,

[00:29:10] Anna Toonk: that's the thing that like chases us, but you know, like it's right.

It's not chasing us maybe, but it's just right there. Like, and we're like, okay, it's not time. Turn around and look at it and say,

[00:29:21] Nina Endrst: yeah, like, do I step into like, do I get invited or do I take this step? Do I name it? Like, do I, you know, like all of that is weird. And then I remember too, the first time someone described me as middle age and I was like, fuck you forever.

It was that to you. He was like, oh, she's she's, she's she's middle aged the Q. And I was like, you know, and I was like, well, he's not wrong. I guess I was like,

[00:29:51] Anna Toonk: you're in your early burying,

[00:29:54] Nina Endrst: early double it. I would be in my eighties. I mean, I think it's a, you're going to live till a

[00:29:58] Anna Toonk: hundred. So you're not technically there

[00:30:01] Nina Endrst: who has more problems with that.

Let's do a quick poll. She's like, you're going to live forever. So it's fine. There's no such thing as middle age.

We're beginning, our exploration

[00:30:18] Anna Toonk: is telling you the potion, everyone 99,

[00:30:22] Nina Endrst: but it has Pearl powder. So you have good skin while you live forever. Dash of

[00:30:28] Anna Toonk: vagina.

[00:30:31] Nina Endrst: Yeah. Yes, yes, of course. Of course. Turn off feminine. I mean, I feel like with certain things, obviously being a mother. Is crazy. Like I just,

[00:30:43] Anna Toonk: any questions you were asking me while you were here?

Like,

[00:30:46] Nina Endrst: it's the same

[00:30:46] Anna Toonk: thing

[00:30:50] Nina Endrst: I feel it's funny. Cause I was hanging out with Bacara last night and I haven't seen her in ages and was doing the same thing to her and I'm like, Did I, somewhere along the line become an investigative journalist for myself. Like, is it the 18 news? And I'm like, all right, Nina. So when you first became a mother, you know, I'm like interviewing everybody about stuff.

I'm interested in about them, you know, but I do find it fascinating. I find it so fascinating. And I think anything that people go through that there's like, No going back from that, there's just like, it's like life before in life after I find really fascinating, you know, and I think with motherhood, In some ways it must be nice that it's like clear, like there is a baby, like, you know, like you're, you're somewhere new.

There is no, uh, life began, you know, like there's no ambiguity, even if you don't know what you're doing have never been here before. And there's no guidebook. It's like, you still. Oh, I'm a mother like it's it's happened. There's no confusion.

[00:32:08] Anna Toonk: I don't think this is an experience. Many or most women have. So I don't want to make it seem like it's casual, but I have never doubted that I will know or know what to do as a mom. If the only thing I really.

[00:32:27] Nina Endrst: No. Is that from a practical, like, no know how to wash a baby to all know how to like, tend to, oh yeah,

[00:32:35] Anna Toonk: no everything literally.

I mean, I've had experience with kids for a long time. Like I was taking care of newborns when twins, when I was 19,

[00:32:45] Nina Endrst: it's

[00:32:45] Anna Toonk: insane with a four-year-old and a three-year-old as Nope.

[00:32:48] Nina Endrst: Yep. And. The

[00:32:51] Anna Toonk: mom was incredible. Um, love her so much. And so she was, she was like the most present mom. She literally had four children.

So I remember once being with all four of them and the twins and this, I was 19 and this is the only time I cried once because they were both crying and I couldn't Sue them both at the same time. And one time. Like was, was I like, oh my God, this is too much. I mean, that being said, I got to go home and like, go drink like a bud light after.

So I can't imagine how, like, I have a client who I love dearly and she has five children and I'm always like, hi, you're amazing. Like, I just want to tell you that five times before we start this call, because I just think. Is the strongest, I mean, credit, I would doubt my abilities with em with multiples.

I think that's part of my hesitation with bringing a second baby in is that I know that I'll have loved. More than enough love, but I hesitate. Will I have enough stamina because you to be as present as you know, that I am, and as present as I want to be, it's like 24 7, you know? So.

[00:34:01] Nina Endrst: So we would have to change for sure.

I think if you had another baby, obviously, I don't know what, but like I don't right. Know, I don't know how you would do that. I agree. I don't know how you're so incredibly present and it's not, and it seems really effortless for you in a way. I'm not to say that it's not you, right, exactly. Like not to say that there isn't a cost for it, but it seems something that you're able to really give freely.

Yeah.

[00:34:30] Anna Toonk: With work. And the difference right, for me is when I, I doubt my abilities, not in readings and stuff, and like movement. Now that I've, now that I'm in it, like, I know, you know, I'm always going to be learning, but I feel more confident obviously years and years down the line, but in, in work and stuff, I've always been hesitant at the beginning of.

Different jobs or feeling, or, or new beginnings in that aspect of my life. But there's something about nurturing that just feels so innate and natural and organic for me that I'm like, this is my kid. Like, of course I'm going to know what to do.

[00:35:10] Nina Endrst: That's so interesting because. I don't know that nurturing feels innate to me.

And as a what did you

see

[00:35:20] Anna Toonk: the presence you brought to my house?

[00:35:23] Nina Endrst: I think, well, I think, I think I am now. I lost my mind. Y'all I brought a lot of presence in this house, but it's like a nurturing. It's like a nurture off though. I'm like and she's like in here,

it's very fun. It is fun. But I was also like, my God, like what have I begun? I'm like, I need to go. I can't. I know y'all don't y'all I mean, they're like, she's insane. I mean, uh, you know, Milo is obviously happy Spiderman scrunchie though. I know, which is very funny. I do need to send that, but of course the one thing I was the most excited about didn't arrive in time for my visit, which is just the way that it goes.

But I w I think people sometimes feel. Tricky for me in terms of nurturing, you know, that like, I I'm really good. I think it nurturing projects and like tending to that type of stuff of like taking care of it. How do you get it to go? And you know, like that sort of stuff. But I think people can be a little daunting to me or a little.

I don't know, it doesn't feel as natural necessarily. So that maybe is one of my hesitations with children, but just sort of on them now, I don't know. We're going to know how to do.

[00:36:43] Anna Toonk: Yeah. Like what do you feel?

[00:36:46] Nina Endrst: Yeah. Well, I think I'm really afraid of having kids and hating it to be honest. And I don't want to blame social media and I don't know, like all of entertainment for the past 50 years, but motherhood is complex out there and it comes the story out there, you know, I would say.

And what we've sort of been conditioned with is that. It comes at the expense of women, you know, and that's something. I don't want to resent my kids, you know, like I don't, I don't know. I I've never been able to crack it. I've never felt the desire strongly enough to be able to like crack it, you know, but I've also never been partnered with someone whose child I wanted to have.

So I do think there's other pieces out there that have been missing for me that it's hard. It's funny Bacara and I were talking about it yesterday, cause she was like, do you know, do you want kids? And I'm like, I don't know, at this point to be honest, And she was like, I think some of my hesitation is I've never been with, like, it is something you co-create, and I've never been with someone I really wanted to co-create something with, and I was like, ding, ding, ding.

Like, I do think that that. Part is tricky. You know, you forget when you're looking at something from the outside is just one person, like you forget someone else will ideally be there and be involved in it as well, which changes the scope of things. Yeah. I

[00:38:16] Anna Toonk: think you're, I would like to ask you about your capacity.

How much capacity do you think you have for love? Energy nurturing into that. And does that have anything to do

[00:38:32] Nina Endrst: with her? Maybe? Yeah. I think some of that scares me. I think the capacity for love is infinite, you know, like, but I think that scares me a little bit too. Yeah, because

[00:38:44] Anna Toonk: once you feel it, you're, there's no turning back.

Yeah. God, I look at my child every night while he sleeps next to me and I'm like, whoa. And now that he's just talking, I mean, we were walking down the stairs yesterday and he's just kissing my hand as we're walking down the stairs and I'm like, why are you such a little brick and angel? Like, it's just impossible to even imagine.

Loving somebody that much. And then you just love them more every single day. And that is scary.

[00:39:15] Nina Endrst: Yeah, that scares me. That would, I would say is one of the, the love is scary to me. It's very scary to me. I know. And I can tell. Yeah, I mean, that is one of the most lasting things for my dad's death. Like my mom's devastation when my dad died was so pure.

'cause she wasn't just like, oh my God, what's going to happen to us. Like it wasn't just that it was that her best friend was guide.

[00:39:46] Anna Toonk: She would ever get over it. Move on. I shouldn't say get over it. Move on

[00:39:50] Nina Endrst: heal. I did. But she started dating in six months and that was confusing. I didn't really judge it, but I didn't get it.

And she was like, in some ways, she's like, I know I loved your dad. I felt really clear. Like, I didn't feel like I needed to like dwell on it or like honor him by not dating. But like now when we talk about it as adults, she. Like, I literally wanted like a man's energy. Like I felt so scared and I felt, so it was also like, my parents had been together at that point, like 20 years, you know?

Like she's like, I felt so untethered. I felt so unloved. I felt so like all this stuff that like was really complex, you know, and nuanced. And I was like, Oh, fuck. You know, like the risk of loving people and it, I think I've only just started in the past light. Yeah. I mean, uh, Nina and I speak joke is that like, she's preparing me for partnership and it's true.

Like we joked about it. I remember the first time I was like, I'm gonna, I think you're preparing me. And she was like, I know

I'm so glad. You know, it was funny. She's like, I know I was like, oh, what a safe space, you know? And it just made me laugh. Cause like, It seems that I haven't been able to work out in relationships or like, you know, experience or try or whatever, like with, I never set the intention with you. Obviously that'd be fucking weird now, or like I'm going to partner with her and use it a little bit as training wheels for love,

[00:41:40] Anna Toonk: you know, spend time with her and her husband.

I'll just, it's like Bali as Moses. I don't know for sure. But don't you think. Time with way also, and being in, I'm not saying like,

[00:41:54] Nina Endrst: well, I mean, do I have like immense love for your husband now? Yeah. I mean, obviously, but seeing y'all's relationship, that's what I mean. Well, obviously, it'd be hilarious if you're like, aren't you now?

Uh, do you have a crush on both of us? I want you to

[00:42:16] Anna Toonk: do stuff with my husband. I don't, I don't think that

[00:42:25] Nina Endrst: eighties, like sometimes though. Like the thing weighs probably one of the most like authentic people I've ever met, who was like, not trying to be like, it's just literally part of how he lives his life. It's in the fabric of his being, you know, and he will say this stuff that I'm like, Wait, did you take that out of like perfect men, books.com or something?

It's like, what the fuck? You know, like it's so then I just like, my mouth will drop and I look at him and I'm like, can you please teach seminar? Uh, like you, you get it, you seem to get it. It's something that it feels like most men have fought or don't get or whatever you seem to get it give freely, like adores you worships you in a way, but like not creepily.

Cause I feel like sometimes the whole light you worship, it gets real fucking creepy y'all work. Walk this I feeling. You know, sometimes when people are like, think about your ideal relationship with think about your ideal person. And it's like, it's tricky. It's like a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

When I see y'all's relationship. Oh, it is possible like this, what I don't like, I've never thought I was like asking for really that much, but it felt like the blend was just never, right. I could never get the right blend of like enough devotion, but not so much. It feels weird, you know, like not obsession.

Yes. You know, and like y'all are also very different people, but like on the same page, About the life you want the

[00:44:03] Anna Toonk: soap story from yesterday? It's brief. So I needed two things of hand soap, one for the guests that was one for our house, little hands-up things. And I was like, can you get me to hands ups?

Yeah. He came back with one and so, and, uh, a big like refill one. And I was like, I wanted to hand selves and I was so mad and he's like, but we could just pour it into a new I'm. Like, I don't have another one. And so he's. And he's so kind, and he's in like getting flustered and frustrated that I'm frustrated because I didn't, he didn't get exactly what I want.

And I'm like in the kitchen, I'm like, okay, I'll just now delicately, pour this one into the other one, just creating more work for myself.

And he was so serious and he's like, I'm just trying to save the planet. And I was like, oh, I know you are. I was like, oh, I know you are. You're fucking sweet man. But yeah, that. I want to say, I want to Hansel,

[00:45:19] Nina Endrst: you know what I think seeing the two of you has really emphasized to me as like, I think the kind of person I would really want to be with, I would have to soften my own edges for, and that's a little like, Ooh. And I've. I would have to drop some of the snark. I would have to be more vulnerable. I would have to be kinder.

I'd have to be more patient. And those things would be good for me. They'd be good growth for me. Like it's those aren't negative things. I don't think those are negative things to sort of smooth away from yourself a bit, but it is where I push up against the fear, you know? And I've been seeing it, especially since.

Nina has been working with me on my sluttiness in germs of talking. Did I ever get Patty and gently? She's like not fit. I mean, yeah, not physical, but she's. How many, uh, people you talk to, like, you know, it, she'll just, I'll be like how, like how, how you do that. And she's like, well, I think of it as if I wanted to direct energy, one place, I have to take it from somewhere else.

And I'm like, Hmm. I'm like, oh, you just lever your energy into little, little, little slices and everywhere around, down, it doesn't really work. I'm learning. And I've seen the more that I've been like, who are the people I really care about in my life? Who do I really want to invest in? What do I really want to start there?

Like, how do I want things to really look, maybe not necessarily be different, but what could be different if I would be more fully in or would deepen maybe my attachment, you know, I've been thinking a lot about attachments and what do I want to be attached to? Or, or what should I maybe connect to versus attach.

And I think that sort of stuff, and it's like, you do have to sort of like let out a deep sigh. And just sort of be like, um, I'm here, let's see what happens, you know, and let a lot of your bullshit go. And that is so scary. Like why did we clean to our bullshit so much? Like, I don't know that it's really protected.

It I've still been hurt. You know? Like it's not like the snark was like differently Teflon, you know, like yeah, you have to write differently. We have to decide what

[00:47:41] Anna Toonk: we want. First and foremost, right. To begin anything. I think that's what we're. We all want to like dance around is

[00:47:48] Nina Endrst: that's a good point that we want it to be vague, but it can,

[00:47:52] Anna Toonk: it can not be vague.

Like I am not the word of God. But I will say I am very clear on this point, if you, anybody was confused. Okay.

[00:48:06] Nina Endrst: And the profits Nina spoke. Oh,

[00:48:09] Anna Toonk: sorry, sorry. Sorry. I was using my private voice. I'm so sorry.

[00:48:17] Nina Endrst: Oh, my bad

[00:48:19] Anna Toonk: that you felt like God was

[00:48:21] Nina Endrst: here. Okay. She is not. Okay. I'm back.

[00:48:27] Anna Toonk: But the truth is we have to decide what we want. I think anytime someone's like, this is it. You're like, okay, I'm listening. And then you're like, are, you know, what do you want? What do you want? Like, it's not, it's not that complicated when you break it down like that.

Now that's step one. So it does, it can get complicated and it can get messy and it can get uncomfortable. But the first step of starting anything, what do I want? So what do you want.

[00:48:57] Nina Endrst: I'm asking you. Yeah. I mean, I, I think partnership, you know, like I think for a long time, I think I also want a life. Uh, I think, well, to be honest, I think I'm figuring that out.

I think I thought I knew, you know, and then was like, Um, I don't think I want those things, you know, like, and I think I'm figuring that out and going, if I put less emphasis or importance on these things, you know, like what does that leave this space open for? You know, and I think I started to realize like, if you're, if I'm only ever concentrated on my career and my friends, like, how am I.

To call in partnership. Like I think, I think it's like some of that stuff started to Dawn on me more recently of like Anna, just like from a practical sense. How is that going to work? You know, like if you're only ever going to these kinds of places or talking to these people, how are you even open for your life to shift?

You know, like where's that space even, you know, like I think I started to go through that of like, oh, it's not like I've been on autopilot, but it's like, I didn't, you know what I was saying before of like, when we're somewhere. Didn't know that we were, you know, that I'm like, oh, I've moved into a different phase of my life.

I didn't realize that, that the stuff that fueled me has changed. And somewhere along the line, I would always, I'd say I've always been like relationship driven, but like, They've taken a D I mean, I think the pandemic also changed things where I was like, oh, like your career means nothing. Like if you don't have community or you don't have connection or, you know, We are living in New York means nothing.

If you can't access, what makes New York New York, you know, like it made me start to think of like, what actually is important to me. What do I care about? You know, and I think a lot of it for me is experience. I want to have experiences. I want to do things. I want to see things. I want to go on adventures, but I want to do that with people that I feel safe, I think to be myself doing that, you know, but in order

[00:51:16] Anna Toonk: to feel safe with them, And to invite those types of people, you have to get over some of your bullshit.

[00:51:23] Nina Endrst: I know that's what it always bumps up, but yeah, but I do think I'm starting to a hundred percent and figuring out what does that mean? And I mean, like, as we start to sort of wrap up, like, I. What I come back to you if I don't know how to begin, like Nina was saying, I think you have to know what you want, but I think you also can boil it down to truth that like, when I started to go, like, I don't need to, like, I don't need to know, like, does that mean I moved?

Does that mean that, that, but it was like, what do you feel like your life is really lacking? What do you feel like you're, you, you really want more of what are some of the things that could look like that, you know, like. That allowed me to start sort of figuring it out and also make some steps and go like, okay, if I want to give less energy, you know, like if I w w rather than having 200 people, I sort of know I want to go to 20 people.

I know really well. You know that it was like, okay, start taking some energy away from people. You don't necessarily feel like it's reciprocal or whatever, the new, you know, where you're kind of evaluating that is. And then. Tend to the people you care about and want to be more connected to you. And I think I started doing that and rather than worrying about like getting it right, I was just like, take concise, consistent steps, you know?

And like, one of my things is like, I'm not going to assume things about people necessarily. I'm going to ask. And so like, one of my love languages is like, I will ask people a lot of questions. Like that is a way to tell the people in my life. Like I care about you. I want to know about, I want to know how you off.

[00:53:13] Anna Toonk: Okay. Clear. I think that's one of the, for me, I think it's one of the most important and impactful messages you can send to a person that you do care. At least that's how I feel. But I think once we decide the truth, I wholeheartedly agree you deciding what you want does not mean having a plan, deciding what you want doesn't mean specifics.

It just means. What are you aligning with? What do you feel? Not aligned with what feels good? What doesn't all right. Just starting there. And then yeah, you can start to move on and get a little bit practical with assessing risk and consequence and yeah,

[00:53:56] Nina Endrst: all of that, that will come. It

[00:53:58] Anna Toonk: will, but it doesn't have to come in the first step.

And I think so many of us just don't take that initial step because we're thinking about all of the steps that follow, but you don't have to take those. If I thought about all the steps of becoming, being in a business partnership, why would I ever take the first one? If I was like, okay, you're going to, this is all the things that are going to happen, but you're not, I wouldn't know, like the kind of depth of it.

Right. Because you and I have now a very solid friendship that we built, but if it was just like, you're going to have to get to know so many new and one business isn't going to work on the other. And you're, it's like, that sounds like a lot of work. Yeah. But I knew what I wanted was a partner to create with.

And that's what I got. And that's where I started and the rest has been unfolding and we move through that organically as it comes, honestly, as it comes. And that's why I think it's successful because we're not, none of, neither one of us is looking too far ahead, but we're also really committed to what we're doing and each other.

Yeah, you can do that with love too. The romantic kind.

[00:55:07] Nina Endrst: Yeah. But I, I think something important had to come along from. To learn stuff about commitment and it could have been a person it could have been, well, I mean, it was a person. It was, he was you, but I mean like that could have come in a lot of ways, but I had to learn.

How did it begin like a deeper commitment, how to be more fully in the things, you know, and I think often, like these big loss that would really change our lives, you know, like Nina's completely changed my life in a great way. 10, 10 recommend do it, you know, change my life to you've changed. But it's like, I thought I was choosing you or like choosing business partnership or whatever.

And actually what I was choosing was a million other things. And I think that sometimes when we really want something to, uh, to, to begin as well, that like, It's not always going to be, I think super literal, you know, like sometimes like if it's like, so maybe you don't feel like ease in your body. Like sometimes things like just honoring, like your bedtime can create the change and make you feel more at ease.

Like it doesn't have to necessarily be. Uh, diet or negative or restriction or like, it doesn't always have to be punishment or something it's like, it can just sometimes be saying yes to something and being permissive and going, I don't know what this looks like. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what comes with this, but I'm saying a firm yes.

To it and like that, then you're off. Then the trans left the station and it's like, I think being willing to go for the ride can really change you. It can really change you in a positive. You know, like, I think being willing to go, like to go, I'm going to begin this and I have no idea what's going to happen.

And it's like really paid off for me a time and time and time again, it like, you know, didn't always make millions or whatever, like absolutely not. But did I gain things that I think I'll take with me forever? Yes I do. Yeah.

[00:57:17] Anna Toonk: And it began with like a small thing, you know? And that's what. All beginnings, start with little seeds.

[00:57:27] Nina Endrst: Really one thing, I think it's literally one thing, one choice, one writing down the other or the other, and just saying, I'm going to, I'm going to do this. That's it? Yup. I'm going to do it. That's it. That's where we're gonna see.

[00:57:40] Anna Toonk: Cause you're going to do it, whatever you're going to do, you're going to do so where you're going to do it and

[00:57:45] Nina Endrst: good luck with doing it.

Just do it, just do it.

[00:57:50] Anna Toonk: Nike, Nike, Nike. That was Nike's.

[00:57:54] Nina Endrst: No.

[00:58:06] Anna Toonk: That's all for today's episode.

[00:58:08] Nina Endrst: If you're interested in submitting a topic or want to submit a question for advice. Please join our membership community@howtobehumanpod.com. Thanks for listening. And remember we're guides, not gurus.