Welcome welcome welcome back to become a calm mama.

I don't know about you but I am sort of getting excited for summer.

And this is actually my a, my younger son's

final year of k through 12 education. He's graduating from high

school next week, and, one of my

sons is already home. So we're sort of starting to be in the summer mode,

And I know a lot of you are also thinking about summer. I had a

couple people in the calm mama club ask me, do you have any

summer, like, resources available? And I was like,

yeah. I have an amazing toolkit that's called stress

free summer with kids, and it's all about planning a

really great summer. So I was just updating that and

making it fresh for 2024. So I,

as I did was doing that, as I was updating it, I saw that

I have this, this list of the 7

family essentials that I call them ingredients

that you kinda need in order to make sure everybody's needs

are met. So I was updating it, and I thought, oh, I'm gonna do an

episode, a podcast episode all about the 7 family essentials.

And so I'm gonna get into it in just a minute. But while

you're listening to this, you may have already thought,

wait, did she just say there's a summer toolkit? I

want that. And also while I'm talking about all these

family essentials, I want you to know that they're all written

down in this toolkit. So you can get your hands

on the toolkit for free from me. It's like a 30

page toolkit, and it also has a couple of videos that are, you

know, go along with it. So super great resource, and it's all

about helping you create the,

a summer that you actually enjoy. So I give you a bunch of

strategies in there about your mindset and how to manage

all the obstacles like sibling fights a boredom

and screen use and, you know, sleep and

all those things. So creating routines and then overcoming

obstacles and having a really good idea of what you want for your summer

to look like. So that's in the summer toolkit. And you can

get a copy of it on my website, calmmamacoaching.com,

and you'll find it under free resources.

So when you go to my website mama, a

a l m, like calm, and then m a m a,

mama. Go to the top. You'll see free resources,

and then you'll see a bunch of free resources on that

website. So if you've never gone to my website and checked that out,

there's the stop yelling cheat sheet, the stress reset guide,

the managing meltdowns and misbehavior

workshop. And then, of course, I just added the stress free

summer with kids toolkit. So you are definitely

gonna wanna get that. And, also, you'll be on my newsletter and

get, you know, all sorts of great resources a me me all the time. So

it's cool. If you're already on the my

newsletter in your email that you received about this

podcast episode, we included the toolkit in there.

So you have it handy already. Okay. So the

toolkit is super jam packed, has a lot of amazing resources

in it. But today, I wanted to talk about the

7 family essentials. Like, what is

required in a family in order to

create calm and peace? And, like, what do kids actually

need? And what do you need? Right? So

what happens in the summer is a lot of times we, we

get out of balance, right, as a family. The kids stay up

later. We travel a lot. We get out of our routines.

There's a lot of extra screen time. It's just kind of an

overwhelming time while there's also weird downtime.

And so we get kind of out of our rhythms. It's super great

in some ways because there's a little bit more,

like, ease. Like, you don't have to always be in a hurry, and there's no

homework and things like that. But it's also a lot of

work for parents. So

when you are able to give your kids

access to the types of things they need in order to stay

self regulated, you'll have a lot less misbehavior. I've talked a

lot about self regulation on the podcast. We have different episodes for

that. Just look just search regulation, and you'll see

different episodes about that. A, essentially, self regulation is

the ability to manage your own nervous system, to keep

yourself at homeostasis, to keep yourself a, and when you

get off a, to bring yourself back. So if your kids

have certain ingredients a built into their life, it

is a lot easier for them to get back

to regulated state. So when they're dysregulated, they can get back.

Now, of course, if you if your kid's physical,

emotional, and mental needs are consistently met, they are more

regulated. But it's also very hard to meet those.

So it's impossible to meet them at all times. You know,

it that's just unrealistic. But what we can do is we can

build in a framework that

helps you know what it is that you should be working on if your

kids seem off balance. So that the

things that I'm gonna talk about today, if you start to see your kids

fighting a lot or complaining a lot

or being, you know, really, like, lethargic,

they're not motivated, they're they don't a go to calm.

Like, all the stuff that comes up, then maybe you need to

check-in to the 7 family essentials and see what's going

on. Okay. So what are they? The first

is called family touch points. So having

a point in time on a regular schedule where

you check-in as a family. Boredom.

Your kids actually need to be bored. I'm

gonna talk about it in a minute. So we have family touch points. We have

boredom, time in nature, being

outside in dirt, in

in grass, in water, in sand,

in muck mucking around with with trees and

bugs and birds and frogs and whatever you can bring to your

kids. They desperately need time in nature.

Number 4, movement and rest. They need to be able

to move their body, and they need to rest their body.

Solitude and self calm. So this is part of, like, what you need is

also time without your kids. You need that to

thrive, a, also, your kids need solitude to

thrive. Socializing, everybody needs to be with their

peers and a project or productivity or

creativity. So I'm gonna read those through again. You don't have to take notes,

remember, because you can just get this in the toolkit. But if you like to,

you can. So we have family touch points, boredom,

time in nature, movement rest,

solitude, socializing, and productivity.

K? So I'm gonna go through and kinda tell you the benefits of each a.

Because if you understand what the benefit is and you know the

why behind the what, it'll help you stay more

committed, which is a cool Become sometimes you're told, like,

you know, kids need screen free breaks. And you're like, okay. But if

you're told why, then maybe you'll be like, oh, okay. That's worth

it. I'm gonna do that. So that's what I wanna give you the

background of, like, why these things are important, not just what they are.

Okay. So touch points. I made this concept up in

during the pandemic because I don't know if you

guys remember in a, like, the first couple of

weeks, everybody was, like, really into being together and, like, people were doing

funny videos and plays, and people had

prom at home. And it was, like, really sweet and

nice. And then as weeks weeks weeks months

went by, everyone started to retreat in

families and do more and more stuff by themselves.

So I created this idea of family touch points a

what they are, it's moments when everyone, including you,

is off of your device, and you're doing something together at the same

time. So it's like a

real in in person event where you're all together and

every one is off of their device, including you.

Okay? So some touch points could be eating a meal together. It

doesn't have to be dinner. It calm be other meals. It can be playing a

mama, but where your phone is put away. Watching a movie

or a show together all as one group. Going

hiking, taking a walk in the neighborhood, doing a

bike, going biking, doing a craft. If you have

a, you know, like, a lake or whatever, you go swimming together where everyone's

in the water. So what we're looking for is a

a, like, a period of time where everybody is doing the same thing at the

same time together. Now what's interesting is

that the amount of time that you spend together as a family, it's not as

important as the quality of that time.

So you're trying to create a real intentional okay. This

is a touch point. This is a specific and intentional

moment where we are all together. So at this,

the reason why we do that is because the research there's tons of

research about this. It shows that when families enjoy activities

together, their children learn skills of the thing that you're doing, like

eating together or swimming or biking or a. They learn the skill, but they

also have a higher self esteem because they feel

important. They feel like they matter. They look around at the grown

ups and the grown ups are looking at them and paying attention to them. And

they're like, oh, well, if grown ups are willing to stop whatever they're doing

to give me eye contact and ask me questions and be

curious about my thoughts and pay attention to me, I must be

important. Right? So if you wanna

help your children's self esteem create touch points,

it also encourages it gives your kids will have better academic

performance. It it strengthens your communication with them. It teaches

your children how to be a good friend, actually, the more time you spend together

as a family. And then you just get better behavior because you're filling up

their little cups. Right? You're making deposits in your

relational bank account with your kids. So touch

points are super important, and you wanna build them in as frequently as

possible. And I have some guidelines about that. For

kids under 11, you wanna do a daily touch

point. Now some parents work or a, and

they aren't around their kids every day. That's fine.

A husband, when he when we were raising our kids, he did

not really spend any time with them Monday through

Friday, except what we started to do was he took them to school.

And that was really a touch point for him with them every

morning. And so they were in the calm, and they listened to music, and they

had, like, a little chat. And he would be really intentional during that

time. That was his touch point. Of course, as a stay at home mom, I

had lots and lots of touch points. And then as a family, we would do

it on the weekends. So with your kids, you wanna plan

a daily touch point where you are paying attention to them.

And then for kids over 12, it gets a little bit

trickier to have these, like, solid times where you're

together. So you wanna plan 2 to 3 touch points a week between

12 and, you know, through high school, especially in the summer if you

can. You know, just you just say, hey. Do you wanna go for a walk?

Or it would be really nice to I'm gonna have my you know, I'm gonna

make a cup of tea or I'm gonna have a sparkling water. Do you wanna

sit with me outside? Now the invitation

is just as important as the yes. So you can make a lot of

invitations, and your kid can say no, and that's fine. We don't need to make

it a thing. We're just demonstrating to them. Hey. You matter.

Pit I'm I'm here to pay attention. Alright. I love

touch points. And as I'm saying all this, I'm, like, really

missing touch points with my family of 4. And,

it's just tricky, with college students and, you know, senior in high

school, They're out and about. They've got jobs. They've got

friends. You know, they're busy. So I'm working at a touch point

a week right now. A as a group, each

kid I do, I try to do it every other day or so.

Alright. Ingredient number 2 is about boredom.

Okay? Now I did an episode on this,

episode 15, and I go into a quite a bit. So

I'm not gonna go, like, that deep into it, but I want you just to

remember that your kids,

when they are bored, that is a

benefit to their cognitive

and emotional a. But they will resist

it because the brain itself, it

craves fast and easy sources of everything.

It just wants, you know, sugar a sugar sugar TV TV

play date play date. Like, that was my son. That's my little song about

him. And he just was always wanting

some sort of input. But if I didn't try

to solve that problem for him and I let him struggle

through the boredom, he would then get to the other

side and come up with really creative ideas.

So in the toolkit, I have 80 plus things that kids can do

to like a busters. But what I wanna let you

know is that you cannot offer those

a a the brain is

desperate for something.

So how what do I mean by that? It's like your kids are gonna be

like, I'm bored, and you're gonna immediately say,

oh, do you wanna play a game? No. I don't

wanna play a game. And then you're gonna be like, oh, okay. Do you wanna

make, like, lemonade? And then we can make some popsicles and, like, that'll be really

fun. No. I don't even like lemonade.

So don't immediately offer a boredom

buster. Just be like, Okay. Well, I'm

here if you want any a, but I'm not bored and I'm

gonna go do whatever I was doing. And you just move on or you can

have a little conversation. That's fun, but don't try to solve the

boredom problem. Let the brain

struggle. Let it start to crave something. It's

kind of like food. Like, you're, you know, you're a. You,

like, didn't eat enough lunch or something, and then you go, like, to the cupboard,

and you're like, oh my god. I'm gonna eat all these chips and crackers or

crackers and cheese or, like, something like that. But you might think

like, oh, I probably should have an apple, but your brain isn't gonna crave

that. It's gonna crave something fast and easy. So you

have to, not if you don't have access to that

fast and easy, then your brain's like, okay. Well, let's just eat something. Let's eat

an apple, and then it'll go for the healthier things.

So we wanna give our kids the opportunity

to have boredom. And the way that I

highly encourage you to do that this summer is what I

call screen free breaks. So a screen

free break is a time where your kid doesn't have

access to technology in order to solve

their dopamine depletion. Like, they want something. They're

craving something. And if you give them the device, fine. Just watch

an iPad show or whatever. Then they don't overcome

the feeling of boredom, and they don't learn to regulate their

nervous system through that discomfort. This is why kids

have a and more difficulty paying attention in school, and it's because

they're just not getting trained at home

to sit still a, like, figure life out without a device.

So your kid is going to crave

that sort of screen in input or sugar input,

and you wanna let them move through their cravings and through

their pro protests and trust that their brain will solve the problem

once it recognizes the quick fixes aren't available.

So you're just like I always think, like, hold the line,

hold, you know, like, just stand strong, be be strong,

and then wait until their brain is like, okay. What game do you

wanna play? Okay. What puzzle? Like, what did you

say about lemonade? I calm make some. Right? We wanna get them to that

point where they're willing to say yes to that

thing. So I talk a lot about screens and

stuff like that in episode 67. So if you're curious

more about screens, time strategies, you

can check out episode 67. Okay.

Number 3, ingredient number 3 is time in nature.

That's one of my favorite things. Obviously, if you've been listening to

this podcast or you follow my Instagram, which I'm on an

Instagram break kind of. So I haven't been posting that much. But anyway,

I love nature. I love taking my kids to tons of national

parks a hiking and the beach and lakes

and just, like, everything you can imagine that I try to get them

outdoors Become I crave it. But what

is cool is that a your children desperately

need to be in nature in

order to grow up with a good physical and emotional health.

So it's a huge reset to even go in the hot

humid weather. Like, just experiencing

the outdoors is so good for the nervous system.

The when when kids spend a lot of time

in the woods or in in outdoors, they

show up with decreases in a. So

they have more they have higher attention ability, like a

focus. They have less they're less likely to be depressed, and they're less likely to

be, you know, gain too much weight. One of my

books that I love to recommend about this is by Richard Louv,

which and it's called A Last Child in the Woods. If you love

this kind of stuff and you're curious, then I would, you know, check

that book out. You can just get it from the library and skim it or

whatever. But being outside in nature has this

tremendous emotional and physical boost for you and your kids.

So create as much a you can to be

outside. And then when you are outside, when you're in nature,

try to move slowly. Unlike me on this podcast where I'm, like, talking

so fast, really pay attention. Look

around. Look at the sky. Notice the clouds. Look at the

birds. Try to find out which one is making which noise. Notice

the different colors of green even. Looking at, you know, the

different flowers, finding a little bee or, you know, if your

kids are afraid of bees, don't look for bees.

But just kind of textures, like, letting them take their feet off and dig in

the dirt a little bit. It is so

so healthy for your kids.

Okay. In that, we have ingredient number 4, which is movement

and rest. Your kids, they actually

really need to move their bodies more than adults.

So I call this big body movement. Like, they need to do big

gross motor movement. And if you think about playing on a device or watching

TV or doing something small like Legos

even or playing dolls, those are really cool and good

things to do, but you also need to move your body.

So you have these we have these big muscles in

our bodies, and those muscles need to move. So we have, like,

you know, we have big thighs a we have, you know, we have calm

muscles and we have core muscles. We have all big back muscles.

Right? So our kids, they need to be running and swimming and

throwing and jumping. And when they are doing those

things, they're growing their brains, they're growing their bodies, and

they're growing their nervous system. So kids under

10, they need 2 rounds of big body movement each

day. Preferably, before noon and again about

an hour before you start the bedtime routine, which is nice because

you can have you know, the sun goes down late in the a, so you

can get that big body movement in. Trampoline, we had a we we had a

trampoline for the kids. We had scooters. We had bikes. We

live in a cul de sac so they could just, you know, twirl

around in our cul de sac. We would go to the park a lot. We

have a lot of open space. I would let them climb these weird,

you know, wall, like, hills and throw rocks at stuff.

And Sawyer was, like, amazing at climbing trees, although their moms freaked out

all the time. But he would climb everything. Lincoln would climb too, and then Lincoln

would get stuck. And that's also funny. Right? Like, it's so healthy

and helpful for them to be doing things with their

body and taking big like, taking risks, learning to

jump off the diving board a learning how to, you

know, swim. And and there's they're using all their a. And this is such a

beautiful time of the year to get them to do that Become so much of

school is sitting around and doing nothing. So

what's kind of interesting, I found this, this,

little bit of science to talk about how important movement was for

kids. And so what is really

interesting is that the more you move your

body, the better quality of sleep you have. The more you move

your body, the easier it is to fall asleep.

So if you have a kid who's playing video games or watching TV, that

during the day, they might take more time to fall asleep and have poor

quality of sleep. But if a kid who's playing really actively

during the day, they sleep faster and better. Now I

had a kid. I have a night owl plus an ADHD. Like,

they're the A night owl and ADHD, and he

had to move his body. But what's funny is he would resist it. He

would a be like I always say he's like, a body in motion

stays in motion. You know, you have to, like, give it a little bit of

push, and then he would be all about it. So I really had to

create, like, nope. Legos are closed

or, you know, no. We're not, you know, we're not playing inside anymore. We're going

outside, and we're moving our bodies. Alright. So and then

rest is also very important, especially if your kid has had a big

day at the at the big long you know, walk to the zoo, and you

could do this big thing or a big beach day or they've gone to calm.

They need to rest their body, and that doesn't necessarily mean rest with

the screen. It can be rest with a book, rest with a

stuffed animal, rest with music, you know, laying on the

couch, you tickling their little feet or whatever.

That goes into ingredient number 5, which is solitude.

Now you as a mom are going to need time without your

children. So if you are like, I'm a really cool

summer mom. I love to be with my kids all the time. I, like, love

that, and you're probably gonna burn out. So you need to

build time alone into your daily rhythm, whether that's a walk

alone before dinner or morning yoga class on YouTube

or a night off of the bedtime routine, like, some kind of

thing where you do that little break from your kids

is great, especially if you have a partner who's around, and

is available. So you you're like, hey. You're on duty. I'm going for a walk.

See you. You can also take mini breaks when you have

your kids around you where you just say, I'm gonna

sit and drink my iced tea and listen to my song and listen to my

headphones a, you can just do that. It's okay. You're

not ignoring your kids. You're just taking care of yourself. Your reef

reframe that ignoring your kids to recharging for your kids like

a little battery. So if you have anybody

who's supporting you, a partner, a spouse, or a nanny,

or caregiver, or or babysitter, or best friend, or whoever, and you

can, you know, take care of each other's kids or swap or, you know, hire

someone once a week or get your grand your, you know, your mom or dad

involved, something like that. Anything you can do to pull in people to help you

is really helpful. And I did do 2 episodes

on these topics. Episode 78 and episode a

are all about summer burnout for moms and how to avoid that and what to

do if you are burned out. One of those episodes is called

when you're too tired to deal. I'm sure

you can relate. Alright. And then, of course, your kids

need a long time too. So if you start to see kids fighting a

lot, grumpy, you know, being

annoying, then maybe they need to move their body.

Maybe they need a touch point. Maybe they need some alone time. Maybe

they need some time in nature. That this is like a problem solving list.

Right? You're like, oh, have we done this? Have we done that? Alright.

Ingredient number 6, socializing. So your kids need to play with

their peers. And a lot of times in the summer, we can kind

of maybe over rely on friends. I

mean, our our the siblings or possibly, like, cousins

and stuff like that, and that's fine. I love that. Family connections and all

that. Neighborhood kids, all those things. And don't

forget that their your kids need to hang out with their, school friends

too Become it's a lot easier to be with your school friends.

When you see your school friends in the summer, it's an easier transition when you

go back in August. So the other reasons why

being with kids is really important is because

so kids really need to play in unstructured

environments. A They need to socialize with their own peers

without adults telling them how to behave

or a video game that tells them how to act.

So we want our kids to be able to learn what we

call self governance. It's what happens in unstructured

play when kids make up a game, then they make up the rules,

and then they figure out how to enforce those rules. That kind of

free open open play happens in peer groups,

and it's really great if you can create that in the summer.

Like, I'm thinking of some of the games my kids played. So we have a

pool. We live where it's really hot. Like, lots of people have a

pool where we live. It's not that fancy. A, anyway, the kids

would play pirate or pirating or something like that in the pool,

and they would each have a floatie, and then

they would, like, be racing or something around. I don't know what they were doing

because they're kids. I don't understand. And then they would pirate each other's

stuff. And there was a whole elaborate game a other kids would

come over and they would play this game and, like, they had rules. And

then they would, like, be mad because someone would break the rules and they come

tattle on each other. And I'd be like, I don't know how to help you.

I don't understand what pirating is. But that is so

helpful for them to have friends that get together

in unstructured play a, and that can happen in the

summer a lot easier. And, also, the summer is

a great time for kids to do that healthy risk taking that I was talking

about, like jumping off the diving board and climbing the tree and throwing the rock

and swim into the deep end and all those things.

But they'll be more likely to do those things when their

peers are around, because they can get some encouragement.

Now we don't wanna shame a kid. Like, well, Johnny's jumping off the diving board.

What's wrong with you? Why aren't you doing that? You don't know. Just be

like, woah. 10 year olds can jump off diving boards. That's so cool.

And just kind of acknowledging, like, you can do that or you

could not do that, but, you know, you could try it. It's fine. You know,

what's the worst gonna happen? Obviously, if your kid can't swim,

I'm not recommending that they jump up diving boards.

Obviously, healthy risk. Right? Affordable mistakes. We just want our

kids to be doing those things, learning

those skills with their peers. Okay.

The last one is like a project. So productivity.

When your kids have a project or a goal,

it can be very motivating and create a lot

of positive emotion inside of your kids.

So, you know, they have, like they used to do this a much

more when I was a kid, but, like, summer readathons. I

remember, like, you could earn a Pizza Hut pizza or

something like that if you, like, read, I don't know, a 100 books. I don't

remember what the rules were. But those kinds of

projects and, like, goals in the summer are really interesting.

And so you can talk a, like, hey. What do you wanna do this

summer? Do you wanna work on any projects, or do you wanna learn something new

or something like that? And brainstorming a project like, oh, I've always

wanted to build this one really hard LEGO set or, you know, I wanted

to figure out if I could, jump off the diving board. Any

a little goal like that, you take your

kids there's something they're interested in, and then you guide them

to to do it a give them baby steps if

they need to. And that feels really, really good. A sense of accomplishment

is super healthy for kids.

Alright. The a

essentials for a family to thrive,

right, are the family touch points,

boredom, time in nature, movement,

solitude, socializing, and productivity.

So this next few weeks as you head into the summer,

think about one area where you're super good at.

You're like, oh, I have that down. Like, we socialize all the time or

we're always in nature or, you know, my kids spend

lots of time being bored. Whatever it is for your family, just give yourself, like,

a little, like, hey. I've got that one. There's 7 here. Touch

points. Oh, yeah. We do those. I want you to think about what you do

well as a family, like, where you're thriving. A?

Oh, yes. Totally. Right? Whatever it is for you. And then I want you to

think about where there might be a gap or a place that you would like

to add more of the ingredient in a

build in some intention around that for yourself

and for your family. Be like, you know a? This year, I really do wanna

get to the lake. Or this year, I really do wanna I

don't know. Childress a family quiet time or this I

am gonna create a reading challenge for the kids this year. Or last year,

we didn't spend a lot of time with school friends. I'm gonna try to do

that, you know, once every other week. Whatever

you think you might wanna add more of, try it.

Just explore it. See what see what happens. And I can

guarantee that the more like, if you think of a Ferris

wheel and the a things are on the, you know, in the buckets of the

Ferris wheel, and you're just kind of letting that Ferris wheel go up and around

and around a you're trying to get to them without trying to don't put any

pressure on yourselves to be at the top of the Ferris wheel at all

times. Like, not not not all on one plane.

So just kinda trying to catch catch these things

as frequently as you can that will help your kid's nervous

system and yours Become activated amygdalas

talk to other amygdalas. And so if your kids are activated,

you're gonna be activated. And if you're activated, your kids are gonna be activated. So

we want everybody to go slower this summer,

take really good care of yourself, take let your kids learn

some new skills, and just enjoy your summer.

Okay. This is just one part of the summer

toolkit. So like I said, if you wanna get a review

of all these, go to my website, a.

Go to free resources a download the

summer, summer stress free summer with

kids, the toolkit there. And, yeah. And that

that that page actually has a ton of other free resources. So I'd love

for you to take advantage of those. They're there for you. I just

love helping parents and, you know, creating more peace and calm in

your life and for your children. Okay. Kick off

this summer with, with lots of touch points and

lots of boredom and all the things, And I will talk to you

next week.