1 00:00:00,270 --> 00:00:04,050 But certainly it gives you a perspective of you, you 2 00:00:04,050 --> 00:00:07,530 know, if you've gotten nothing and you lose everything, you 3 00:00:07,530 --> 00:00:10,470 already know that you can lose everything and be okay. 4 00:00:10,890 --> 00:00:13,770 Even at that doorway, when I was quiet, you know, 5 00:00:13,770 --> 00:00:16,260 I had no money I had in in fact I 6 00:00:16,260 --> 00:00:20,070 had nothing. I didn't even have my ability to move 7 00:00:20,550 --> 00:00:24,510 forward. And it's been 40 years old. He literally bought 8 00:00:24,510 --> 00:00:26,280 it in your eyes, out in front of a public 9 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:29,790 on a sunny Saturday afternoon. You don't get a much 10 00:00:29,790 --> 00:00:30,330 lower than that. 11 00:00:32,060 --> 00:00:35,660 Hi and welcome to Podcaster Stories. Each episode will have 12 00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:38,630 a conversation with podcasters from across the globe and share 13 00:00:38,630 --> 00:00:41,720 their story. What motivates them by the start to the 14 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:45,590 show are the crucial And More will also talk about 15 00:00:45,590 --> 00:00:47,540 their personal lives. And some of the things that have 16 00:00:47,540 --> 00:00:49,820 happened, I've made them the person who you are today. 17 00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:54,170 And now here's your host, Danny Brown. Hi, and welcome 18 00:00:54,170 --> 00:00:56,810 to Podcaster Stories. The show that it meets the people 19 00:00:56,810 --> 00:00:58,820 behind the voices of the show. If you listen to 20 00:00:59,330 --> 00:01:01,730 this week, I have Stephen Webb from Trudeau in the 21 00:01:01,730 --> 00:01:04,130 UK. Steven is a host of the Stillness in the 22 00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:06,920 Storms podcast. A show that helps you find inner peace 23 00:01:06,950 --> 00:01:10,610 in difficult times. Steven, welcome to the shore. How about 24 00:01:10,610 --> 00:01:13,100 you? Tell us about yourself and your podcast. 25 00:01:14,210 --> 00:01:17,330 Hi, Danny. It's a pleasure to be here. Yeah, my 26 00:01:17,330 --> 00:01:20,420 podcast, I do. I do a lot of meditation, So, 27 00:01:20,510 --> 00:01:22,730 and really when I hit rock bottom, when I was 28 00:01:22,730 --> 00:01:25,700 40, I suppose a bit go a little bit further 29 00:01:25,700 --> 00:01:28,880 about than that. I, I often jumped straight to my 30 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:31,130 rock bottom because that was the kind of the worst 31 00:01:31,130 --> 00:01:33,890 thing that happened to me. But when I was 18, 32 00:01:33,950 --> 00:01:38,150 I broke my neck and ended up paralyzed and I 33 00:01:38,150 --> 00:01:40,550 dived into a certain point. It was intro to where 34 00:01:40,550 --> 00:01:44,150 I live now, stay home and I kind of eye, 35 00:01:44,150 --> 00:01:45,680 I went to a hospital for 12 months. So when 36 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:48,650 you come back and that kinda changed my whole life 37 00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:51,440 completely. I know you as an electric wheelchair, I come 38 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:53,570 up and move my hands. I'm paralyzed. 39 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:55,760 I'm the easiest way I would say I would never 40 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:58,700 know, or wherever it was really politically correct, but from 41 00:01:58,700 --> 00:02:00,050 my nip who was down and I can not fail. 42 00:02:00,290 --> 00:02:03,470 So it's the easiest way of explaining that everybody has 43 00:02:03,470 --> 00:02:06,530 them and everybody knows where they are. So at that 44 00:02:06,530 --> 00:02:09,650 point I kinda got all my life. I've had the 45 00:02:09,650 --> 00:02:11,480 normal struggles now, all of life and things like that. 46 00:02:12,290 --> 00:02:16,370 I do different girlfriends. And so I just enjoyed a 47 00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:20,210 different kind of life style. And then really nothing really 48 00:02:20,210 --> 00:02:21,940 happened in my life. I open it compared to a 49 00:02:21,950 --> 00:02:24,260 shop. I ended up bankrupt, things like that. So it 50 00:02:24,260 --> 00:02:26,180 is the Normal ups and downs. So every kind of 51 00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:31,460 life, when I hit 48, I ended up single out 52 00:02:31,460 --> 00:02:32,900 or the player or a text message or in the 53 00:02:32,900 --> 00:02:34,430 morning have my then partner. 54 00:02:35,210 --> 00:02:36,980 And I don't know if, if I don't know what 55 00:02:36,980 --> 00:02:39,050 I want anymore. And then of course I've been around 56 00:02:39,050 --> 00:02:42,080 the block enough to know what that meant. And so 57 00:02:42,110 --> 00:02:44,510 that kind of just knocked me for a sec. It's 58 00:02:44,510 --> 00:02:47,210 completely, I was 42 years old and I was paralyzed. 59 00:02:47,900 --> 00:02:50,360 I didn't really have a career. I didn't have any 60 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:54,140 money or anything like that. I knew I was faced 61 00:02:54,140 --> 00:02:57,200 with never, ever, never going to see anybody can say, 62 00:02:57,590 --> 00:03:00,370 I'm never going to enjoy my life again. And if 63 00:03:00,370 --> 00:03:02,350 you like, that is the first time, really big power 64 00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:06,640 lights that are really creeped up into my life. And 65 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,820 it's the first time I felt really depressed. And then 66 00:03:09,820 --> 00:03:13,390 a few weeks later I was at the supermarket. And 67 00:03:13,390 --> 00:03:15,820 at that point, my chair broke down a wire. 68 00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:17,890 I went in for the tire and the tire half 69 00:03:17,890 --> 00:03:22,360 burst and it stopped. And I didn't think that life 70 00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:24,730 could get any lower. But at that point it did. 71 00:03:25,060 --> 00:03:28,840 I said that I started crying out in the supermarket 72 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:31,600 with a guy that a security guard was just a 73 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:34,600 few feet away as I wasn't with anybody at that 74 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:36,340 time, it was a Saturday afternoon and it was really 75 00:03:36,340 --> 00:03:40,480 busy and I just didn't know what to do. I 76 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:43,030 just burst out in tears and bearing in mind. I 77 00:03:43,030 --> 00:03:44,920 didn't know anybody around me. I didn't have any way 78 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:47,200 there to, like, I was scared to go walk over 79 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:50,980 and excuse my shoulder. And it was, it was not 80 00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:52,600 a little bit of comfort. I don't think he knew 81 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,270 what to say. I don't think you have any idea 82 00:03:55,270 --> 00:03:57,790 what to say, but it was enough to think, well 83 00:03:58,090 --> 00:03:58,900 that someone's there. 84 00:03:59,050 --> 00:04:03,760 You know, I'm not alone in this and after composing 85 00:04:03,770 --> 00:04:05,200 myself and all of that, and I thought, Oh, how, 86 00:04:05,230 --> 00:04:07,360 how can I even fix my chair? I have no 87 00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:11,170 money. My credit cards too, are completely full. I knew 88 00:04:11,170 --> 00:04:15,760 I was in a broken electric wheelchair, paralyzed single. And 89 00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:19,900 at that point I just lost all hope. Like I 90 00:04:19,900 --> 00:04:21,400 think that they say is like the dark Knight of 91 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:24,640 the soul. I've heard about it afterwards. But for weeks 92 00:04:24,820 --> 00:04:27,910 at that point for several weeks, I couldn't sleep. My 93 00:04:27,910 --> 00:04:30,160 mind was too active. I would think of all of 94 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:33,460 the worst things. Of course my ex girlfriend was having 95 00:04:34,090 --> 00:04:37,900 a wonderful time with all different relationships. All the things 96 00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:39,910 that I would love to do these things are like, 97 00:04:39,940 --> 00:04:41,980 which of course that wasn't true, but in my mind 98 00:04:41,980 --> 00:04:42,700 thought that was true. 99 00:04:43,180 --> 00:04:46,690 So I was creating everything that was terrible in the 100 00:04:46,690 --> 00:04:49,810 world. And I was the victim have everything. I couldn't 101 00:04:49,810 --> 00:04:52,960 even sleep at all. And I started drinking every night. 102 00:04:53,410 --> 00:04:56,680 I started with one or two glasses of Southern comfort 103 00:04:57,310 --> 00:04:59,410 and it was quite embarrassing because I was asking my 104 00:04:59,410 --> 00:05:02,320 carers to pull up the drink because they have 24 105 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:04,390 hour care to help me. And I've had that since 106 00:05:04,390 --> 00:05:07,540 it was 18. So it's one thing when you go 107 00:05:07,540 --> 00:05:11,080 into the drinks cabinet yourself and point out, there's another 108 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:12,310 thing when you go to, as someone who has to 109 00:05:12,310 --> 00:05:15,250 do it and I wasn't a drinker, so it was 110 00:05:15,250 --> 00:05:19,210 an unusual, but they weren't saying anything. And after a 111 00:05:19,210 --> 00:05:22,270 few weeks that one glass turned into two turned into 112 00:05:22,270 --> 00:05:22,720 three. 113 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:27,520 And at that point it was embarrassing, but a bee, 114 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:30,280 I knew it was a slippery road and that was 115 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:33,010 my lowest point in my life. I think I knew 116 00:05:33,010 --> 00:05:37,150 I had to do something about it. And I started 117 00:05:37,150 --> 00:05:40,420 reading books, which was unusual for me because I had 118 00:05:40,420 --> 00:05:42,190 never read a book sit in school because there was 119 00:05:42,190 --> 00:05:45,940 labeled dyslexic. And then at that time they didn't really 120 00:05:45,940 --> 00:05:47,830 know what to do about it. So it was just 121 00:05:47,830 --> 00:05:50,650 while you were dyslexic. And I lived up to that, 122 00:05:51,190 --> 00:05:55,540 that paradigm. So I started reading books. It was really 123 00:05:55,540 --> 00:05:58,850 difficult, but it was so it was enough for her 124 00:05:58,850 --> 00:06:01,310 to sleep. And that's why I did it for weeks. 125 00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:05,000 And then every single book would look up and go, 126 00:06:05,030 --> 00:06:07,730 well, if you go to meditate, you've got to love 127 00:06:07,730 --> 00:06:08,720 yourself and meditate. 128 00:06:09,350 --> 00:06:10,970 And they were the two bits of advice for me. 129 00:06:11,510 --> 00:06:14,720 I kind of Love by Southwest narcissistic and that is 130 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:17,780 so wrong and everything against why I would ever think 131 00:06:17,780 --> 00:06:20,390 of it. And as far as a meditation, you've got 132 00:06:20,390 --> 00:06:24,740 to be kidding my mind, my mind. So overthinking and 133 00:06:24,740 --> 00:06:28,100 so on. And the only time I've tried meditation was 134 00:06:28,100 --> 00:06:31,070 it in my late twenties. And I sat down for 135 00:06:31,070 --> 00:06:33,230 about three minutes because I thought it was cool. I 136 00:06:33,230 --> 00:06:35,810 thought I might got a girlfriend, that guy, you know, 137 00:06:35,810 --> 00:06:38,030 I thought it was a trending thing today, but it, 138 00:06:38,030 --> 00:06:40,160 it lasted about three minutes and I realized my mind 139 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:44,030 doesn't shut down. So here are the two solutions to 140 00:06:44,030 --> 00:06:48,290 my pain was meditation start having compassion for yourself for 141 00:06:48,290 --> 00:06:48,920 giving yourself. 142 00:06:50,060 --> 00:06:53,150 So whenever the w w when one person tells you 143 00:06:53,150 --> 00:06:54,880 something, and when one book tells you something and you 144 00:06:54,900 --> 00:06:57,890 go, okay, it may be true. But when everything is 145 00:06:57,890 --> 00:07:00,080 pointed to the same thing, as some point you've got 146 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:03,650 to go, okay, I can not be right. And everybody 147 00:07:03,650 --> 00:07:08,030 else, and everybody has to be wrong. So I started 148 00:07:08,030 --> 00:07:11,270 mass. I think I started sitting down with my thoughts 149 00:07:11,990 --> 00:07:17,420 and I quickly learned that I wasn't my thoughts. And 150 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:21,020 that was the major breakthrough for me. It was like, 151 00:07:21,110 --> 00:07:25,610 wow, I have thoughts, but I'm not those thoughts. And 152 00:07:25,610 --> 00:07:28,640 this is what led to my journey. Really. Now that 153 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:33,710 realization from been at that rock bottom, being at the 154 00:07:34,130 --> 00:07:37,490 mercy of all the thoughts I thought was true, or 155 00:07:37,490 --> 00:07:40,400 where the pain and suffering, and I was still disabled, 156 00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:41,720 I was still had all of the problems. 157 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:44,150 They come in with a disability they're not walking. And 158 00:07:44,150 --> 00:07:45,790 I know is the easy part of it is that 159 00:07:45,790 --> 00:07:48,110 the stuff that goes with it, that is the Difficult 160 00:07:48,110 --> 00:07:53,090 pods. And just realizing that I can have a thought 161 00:07:53,090 --> 00:07:54,560 by now, I have to do anything with it. It 162 00:07:54,860 --> 00:07:59,090 was so liberating for me. It was so freeing of 163 00:07:59,090 --> 00:08:02,900 that suffering. I still felt pain. I still got upset. 164 00:08:02,930 --> 00:08:06,320 I, I would cry at a John Lewis address. You 165 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,460 know, I, I was one of these people that I 166 00:08:07,490 --> 00:08:10,760 was very emotional and that if I hear you a 167 00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:15,050 nice story outcry, so, but it didn't get rid of 168 00:08:15,110 --> 00:08:18,620 that. I still felt things deeply. I still worried. I 169 00:08:18,650 --> 00:08:21,320 say I still got angry, you know, but I had 170 00:08:21,380 --> 00:08:25,740 this freedom from the suffering that, that caused, and that 171 00:08:25,820 --> 00:08:28,850 impact taught me, or show me to help other people 172 00:08:28,850 --> 00:08:29,600 through meditation. 173 00:08:30,230 --> 00:08:34,730 And really the meditation of just, just sit with whatever's 174 00:08:34,730 --> 00:08:38,030 going on. So I would help other people, you know, 175 00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:41,270 and then that, that really, to the Podcast, Stillness in 176 00:08:41,270 --> 00:08:45,020 the storms, you know, the storms always rage in the 177 00:08:45,020 --> 00:08:47,240 Storms, or is that whether it's in the mind, whether 178 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:51,410 it's your emotions, whether it's political, whether it's the external 179 00:08:51,410 --> 00:08:55,130 world, anything, we try to spend the so much time 180 00:08:55,170 --> 00:08:58,710 lining up everything else, tried to sort it out when 181 00:08:58,710 --> 00:09:02,670 the politics are perfect for me, when the outside world, 182 00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:06,360 when my family accept and understand me, when everybody listens 183 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:09,090 to me, when everybody thinks as long as I do, 184 00:09:09,150 --> 00:09:09,870 I'll be happy. 185 00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:12,900 You know, when I'm perfect house, when I'm perfect way, 186 00:09:13,140 --> 00:09:16,080 we will be happy. And we spend so much time 187 00:09:16,110 --> 00:09:18,780 trying to put out the fires to put out in 188 00:09:18,780 --> 00:09:23,280 the Storms, quiets in the world down, and then you 189 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:28,950 turn internally on the spiritual journey and you think the 190 00:09:28,950 --> 00:09:31,560 spiritual journeys is going to be, Oh, this is wonderful. 191 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:34,110 I'm now on the spiritual journey. Now in the second 192 00:09:34,110 --> 00:09:36,060 half of life and everything is going to be cool. 193 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:39,810 And then you realized there was a raging storm and 194 00:09:39,810 --> 00:09:44,130 fire within you. It's like Tom of just learned to 195 00:09:44,130 --> 00:09:46,770 cope with a one out of that. And then we 196 00:09:46,770 --> 00:09:50,400 turn it inside and you realized I'm crazy. 197 00:09:50,700 --> 00:09:53,610 I thought it's a crazy. And I always get back 198 00:09:53,610 --> 00:09:55,530 to the, this by Jack cornfield. And he said, my, 199 00:09:55,530 --> 00:09:59,400 my, my subconscious mind is like a, a dangerous neighborhood. 200 00:09:59,430 --> 00:10:02,580 They don't like to go there often. And you suddenly 201 00:10:02,580 --> 00:10:06,840 realized how crazy we are, how our emotions change every 202 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:10,710 few seconds. How, you know what, when we used to 203 00:10:10,710 --> 00:10:13,680 think we were depressed or we, we were anxious now, 204 00:10:13,890 --> 00:10:16,650 whereas now we have anxiety and we have, and it 205 00:10:16,650 --> 00:10:19,260 comes and goes the same as depression. And I feel 206 00:10:19,260 --> 00:10:23,490 depressed sometimes instead of I am depressed, I did it 207 00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:28,470 suddenly lifts these barriers. And that enables us to deal 208 00:10:28,470 --> 00:10:30,900 with life. Life is still the same. 209 00:10:31,620 --> 00:10:34,530 There's nothing different in my life today and not to 210 00:10:34,530 --> 00:10:36,540 fall. My life's worst today than it has been in. 211 00:10:36,550 --> 00:10:41,040 Most of my life. I'd been single. I haven't got 212 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:44,660 any abundance of money. I've been in politics. You know, 213 00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:49,080 my local counselor, I'm currently the deputy Merillat. So I'm 214 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:52,350 about to become the deputy mayor if I get reelected 215 00:10:52,350 --> 00:10:56,490 and Mae. So really there's more Storms in my life. 216 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:59,280 Then there ever has been put on a lot more 217 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:03,180 peace. And that's when I talk about, On Stillness at 218 00:11:03,180 --> 00:11:06,600 the storms, we got it. You don't have to, but 219 00:11:06,690 --> 00:11:10,050 some of you not have to stop thinking, stopped the 220 00:11:10,050 --> 00:11:14,580 emotions that will come and go, Oh, you know, were 221 00:11:14,580 --> 00:11:15,630 not really in control of that. 222 00:11:16,770 --> 00:11:20,730 It's having the tools and having the knowledge that we 223 00:11:20,730 --> 00:11:22,290 don't have to do anything with them when they are 224 00:11:22,290 --> 00:11:22,770 rising. 225 00:11:23,630 --> 00:11:25,700 Well, that's one of the things that I like about 226 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:29,540 your show is just like you, you were there about 227 00:11:29,540 --> 00:11:32,330 Y you know, how life and how we allow ourselves 228 00:11:32,330 --> 00:11:35,240 to get really distracted by things outside of control. You 229 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:39,260 have a very straightforward, no BS approach to every episode 230 00:11:39,260 --> 00:11:40,840 and yeah. And you tell it like it is, and 231 00:11:41,030 --> 00:11:43,100 it was one that, and then as long as we're 232 00:11:43,100 --> 00:11:45,260 for like a, a, a, a self-deprecating humor as well, 233 00:11:45,350 --> 00:11:47,120 which I really don't think that it must be like 234 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:48,830 a, really a British thing. Cause like I tend to 235 00:11:48,830 --> 00:11:54,070 find British humor, very dry. And you know, self-deprecating like, 236 00:11:54,070 --> 00:11:55,750 for example, the app, there was an episode where you 237 00:11:55,750 --> 00:11:59,560 talked about how awesome it is to be paralyzed, but 238 00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:01,300 it's still had, obviously all of that is serious. Your 239 00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:03,400 approach to are more humorous tech, but it's still had 240 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:05,420 a very serious message, you know? 241 00:12:05,420 --> 00:12:08,230 And you were, you were pushing back on and said, 242 00:12:08,230 --> 00:12:11,080 well, you are, you're amazing because your doing these things, 243 00:12:11,110 --> 00:12:14,440 you know, as well, paralyzed, well look how awesome Steven 244 00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:16,390 is and, and the message. And that episode was a 245 00:12:16,390 --> 00:12:19,360 really strong message. And did you find that you often 246 00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:21,940 have to push back on people's perceptions in, is that 247 00:12:21,940 --> 00:12:24,880 what brought an episode like that to the fore or 248 00:12:25,330 --> 00:12:26,080 what what's that like? 249 00:12:26,430 --> 00:12:29,040 One thing I had found always difficult to cope with 250 00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:32,610 is, is the, you are an inspiration. You are amazing. 251 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:37,980 You do so much in life. And for the most 252 00:12:37,980 --> 00:12:41,430 part of my life, I was, I was living with 253 00:12:41,430 --> 00:12:44,370 his deep shame. The, I didn't see it. I would 254 00:12:44,370 --> 00:12:46,170 always see shame and get one, all of that. And 255 00:12:46,170 --> 00:12:50,760 other people, not me, I'm doing brilliant. Umm, but every 256 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,350 time someone is housed in his face and I was 257 00:12:52,350 --> 00:12:54,420 doing an amazing, I would want to run from it, 258 00:12:54,450 --> 00:12:58,110 but I didn't know why. And, and I would look 259 00:12:58,110 --> 00:13:00,150 at it as well. I've got a carers, they get 260 00:13:00,150 --> 00:13:02,580 me out of bed. Should I really be looked at 261 00:13:02,670 --> 00:13:06,210 as something amazing for just doing those things. And I 262 00:13:06,210 --> 00:13:08,700 very often didn't look at my life and go, Whoa, 263 00:13:08,730 --> 00:13:09,090 do you know? 264 00:13:09,090 --> 00:13:12,900 I do achieve quite a bit. And even when I 265 00:13:13,530 --> 00:13:16,680 sit back and go, how did he crap? I'm deputy 266 00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:21,060 mayor of my city. That is like from an ego 267 00:13:21,060 --> 00:13:24,150 perspective. I think that's incredible, but I don't look at 268 00:13:24,150 --> 00:13:27,630 it as incredible for being paralyzed to do that. She's 269 00:13:27,630 --> 00:13:31,500 just incredible for me. But with this deep shame, I 270 00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:35,520 would find it very hard. And during lockdown I have 271 00:13:35,530 --> 00:13:39,540 had so many revelations, so many freedoms has come about. 272 00:13:40,230 --> 00:13:43,020 And then what are the main one is the wheelchair 273 00:13:43,020 --> 00:13:46,680 that broke 15 years ago as virtually died again now. 274 00:13:47,670 --> 00:13:51,090 And for the last, during the lockdown, the battery has 275 00:13:51,090 --> 00:13:52,140 completely died. 276 00:13:52,770 --> 00:13:55,230 And now because of that, other things went wrong. So 277 00:13:55,740 --> 00:13:58,860 about August last year, I reached out to her a 278 00:13:58,860 --> 00:14:00,330 couple of times and said, how am I going to 279 00:14:00,330 --> 00:14:03,600 fund a new wheelchair? The ones that we got available 280 00:14:03,690 --> 00:14:06,420 in the UK are not really that are applicable. If 281 00:14:06,420 --> 00:14:10,080 you wanna be active, put it that way. And they 282 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:13,620 were about 10,000 pounds on that. I was thinking of 283 00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:16,830 what I kind of ask people for it. And I 284 00:14:16,830 --> 00:14:19,920 didn't know why I couldn't ask people. So I went 285 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:21,870 to a couple of friends and said, all right, we 286 00:14:21,870 --> 00:14:24,510 got to do some kind of a challenge. We got 287 00:14:24,510 --> 00:14:28,800 to do something that I can get sponsorship and then 288 00:14:28,860 --> 00:14:30,810 I can pay for the chair. So I can give 289 00:14:30,810 --> 00:14:33,360 publicity to a company's how many tried to work it 290 00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:33,570 out. 291 00:14:33,750 --> 00:14:35,880 And one of them said to him and said to 292 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:38,490 me, and she looks up and said, why don't you 293 00:14:38,490 --> 00:14:41,010 just ask people, wanting to help you? And why don't 294 00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:44,490 you just ask? And I have so much resistance that 295 00:14:44,490 --> 00:14:47,340 so much fear come up with that. And I sat 296 00:14:47,340 --> 00:14:50,400 with that for a little bit. And I spoke to 297 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:54,230 my, of a, another friend about that fair. And she 298 00:14:54,230 --> 00:14:56,600 said, she looked at me and say, gee, can I 299 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,220 be really honest with you? You and this was the 300 00:14:58,220 --> 00:15:00,200 X go for it. And that caused my rock bottom. 301 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,150 I want to play where you were assigned my daughter. 302 00:15:02,190 --> 00:15:03,950 I mean, she left up a, can I say something 303 00:15:03,950 --> 00:15:08,060 to you? And I cannot remember quite the words where 304 00:15:08,060 --> 00:15:10,100 she put it in a room and I did not 305 00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:13,520 recognize what, what she said to me. 306 00:15:13,910 --> 00:15:16,340 But when someone says something to you and you're triggered 307 00:15:16,340 --> 00:15:19,640 by him, she said, do you think that you feel 308 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:23,210 guilty about your accident or something? So somewhere along the 309 00:15:23,210 --> 00:15:27,230 lines and I had to, I was triggered immediate, like 310 00:15:27,230 --> 00:15:30,410 resistance to this. And what I've learned over the last 311 00:15:30,410 --> 00:15:33,860 few years is if you are triggered that something that 312 00:15:34,550 --> 00:15:36,500 you know, not to deny it and not get angry 313 00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:38,600 and then just see what the trigger is. And I 314 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:41,480 saw it on a couple of days later, I send 315 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:43,340 it back and says, I think I've got a deep 316 00:15:43,370 --> 00:15:46,460 shame. I know what she said. She said, do you 317 00:15:46,460 --> 00:15:49,010 feel like the world owes you something or something like 318 00:15:49,010 --> 00:15:52,340 that? And it really put me off, but it was 319 00:15:52,340 --> 00:15:56,160 brilliant because it unlocked something in a couple days later 320 00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:56,210 on. 321 00:15:56,220 --> 00:15:59,360 I said, aye, I think I have a deep shame 322 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:02,810 about my accident. I was the dumb-ass that dived into 323 00:16:02,810 --> 00:16:05,360 the pool. Well, that night I climbed up on top 324 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:06,680 of that wall. When I walked along the top of 325 00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:09,320 the wall and I looked at my watch, it was 326 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:12,650 September the first at 10 31 in the evening. I 327 00:16:12,650 --> 00:16:15,020 like five 10. And at that moment, when I hit 328 00:16:15,020 --> 00:16:18,470 the bottom of the Paul, I was instantly paralyzed. So 329 00:16:18,470 --> 00:16:22,850 from that moment, I've needed a 24 hour cap. I 330 00:16:22,850 --> 00:16:27,530 have needed help on virtually everything in life for all 331 00:16:27,530 --> 00:16:30,800 of my physical things. And the life becomes more expensive, 332 00:16:30,830 --> 00:16:33,710 like a wheelchair, things like that. I'm not going to 333 00:16:33,710 --> 00:16:36,680 live in the UK or in a country that does 334 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:40,760 help people with disabilities now, but it doesn't stop the 335 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:43,520 feeding of, you know, I did this. 336 00:16:43,940 --> 00:16:46,520 So for nearly 30 years, I had the shame of 337 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:49,850 asking people for help. You know, I would literally be 338 00:16:49,850 --> 00:16:51,410 in a shop and some of them would say, would 339 00:16:51,410 --> 00:16:53,720 you like me to pass that down to you? When 340 00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:55,690 I was like, no, no pay, thank you because I 341 00:16:55,790 --> 00:16:58,160 never want you to be in any trouble. And when 342 00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:02,600 I realized my shame of my accident, I realized why 343 00:17:02,630 --> 00:17:05,300 I didn't like people calling me a hero calling me 344 00:17:05,630 --> 00:17:07,250 or not a hero. Some I was hot. I call 345 00:17:07,250 --> 00:17:10,520 myself that, all right, we're all a hero on their 346 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:13,940 own journey. And I'm kinda trying to embrace that part. 347 00:17:13,940 --> 00:17:16,310 But when they caught me in an inspirational way, how 348 00:17:16,310 --> 00:17:20,570 could I be in an inspiration? So sub-consciously, how could 349 00:17:20,570 --> 00:17:22,610 I be an inspiration? Well, I was a dumb ass, 350 00:17:22,610 --> 00:17:23,960 broke my neck. I know. 351 00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:26,270 And I just get on my own life and I 352 00:17:26,270 --> 00:17:28,910 never realized it wasn't because I broke my neck. It 353 00:17:28,910 --> 00:17:31,160 wasn't because he was a dumb ass that night. It 354 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:34,880 was because I do get all my life and I 355 00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:37,730 think make a big issue about my disability, about betting 356 00:17:37,730 --> 00:17:42,680 in a wheelchair. I would avoid disabled clubs. I would 357 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:45,950 avoid a disabled groups. I don't know. And I thought 358 00:17:45,950 --> 00:17:48,410 it was because I was in embracing the I'm not 359 00:17:48,410 --> 00:17:50,750 disabled. I can go on my life. And it wasn't. 360 00:17:50,780 --> 00:17:54,420 It was because of my deep shame of I created 361 00:17:54,420 --> 00:17:57,810 my disability when many people didn't, when I realized that 362 00:17:57,900 --> 00:18:00,960 I, and I realized that I was an inspiration because 363 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:04,020 of what I've done since my accident. Wow. 364 00:18:04,020 --> 00:18:06,960 That was like a freedom that I could never on. 365 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:10,440 Suddenly I put on a go fund, me page. I 366 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:13,500 raised the money for a new wheelchair. People hate me 367 00:18:13,500 --> 00:18:16,590 the money for the wheelchair. And I was like, wow, 368 00:18:16,650 --> 00:18:20,520 this is like unbelievable. And people said to me is 369 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:24,060 because of how you handle life, not what he did. 370 00:18:24,420 --> 00:18:26,910 And that's why I realized is that it's a huge 371 00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:31,380 thing in embracing the FA or embracing the fact that 372 00:18:31,380 --> 00:18:33,810 I didn't have that shame for so long. It has 373 00:18:33,810 --> 00:18:36,750 given me so much freedom. Now, you know, I can 374 00:18:36,750 --> 00:18:40,140 happily, I would never have considered it a marital acquisition 375 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:44,160 or a deputy ma I will be, you know, one 376 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:46,290 day that my lead on it to be mad, I 377 00:18:46,290 --> 00:18:47,670 will have never considered that. 378 00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:52,710 I would have been somebody that would embrace people with 379 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:58,020 physical disabilities and the accessibility issues, faster thing that I'm 380 00:18:58,020 --> 00:19:01,680 standing up for now and shouting about rather than avoiding, 381 00:19:02,580 --> 00:19:05,100 rather than trying to go, Hey, LA, you know, that's 382 00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:08,460 all I live in able-bodied life and that's not reality. 383 00:19:09,060 --> 00:19:14,850 So in a really long answer to your question, I, 384 00:19:14,850 --> 00:19:18,750 I do feel resistance and you know, I'm paralyzed. There 385 00:19:18,750 --> 00:19:23,490 is no about a thinking law of attraction, whatever you 386 00:19:23,490 --> 00:19:26,490 can do is going to change that. And there was 387 00:19:26,490 --> 00:19:29,550 some awesome news that comes to, I think, one of 388 00:19:29,550 --> 00:19:31,170 those things that I think the episode, if you are 389 00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:33,840 talking about 10 things, is why it's awesome to be 390 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:34,500 paralyzed. 391 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:38,280 And I think one of them, I said that I 392 00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:39,630 didn't have to get up at, in the middle of 393 00:19:39,630 --> 00:19:41,820 the night to go for a pee. How well, some 394 00:19:41,820 --> 00:19:44,700 of that as a superpower, how many people would love 395 00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:48,270 that superpower, especially the older we get. 396 00:19:49,130 --> 00:19:52,440 Exactly. So that's like the worst thing is just waking 397 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:53,690 up in a middle name as you mention you go, 398 00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:55,520 Oh, but I'm still a warm it's when we really 399 00:19:55,530 --> 00:19:57,860 want to do anything on the side that I hear 400 00:19:57,860 --> 00:20:00,620 ya. I think what was the, you have to mention 401 00:20:00,620 --> 00:20:02,420 them. They are at the exact time and date that 402 00:20:02,420 --> 00:20:05,660 the accident happened. There was an episode on your podcast 403 00:20:05,660 --> 00:20:08,660 where you share the experience of the, the amount of 404 00:20:08,660 --> 00:20:12,710 our story and the memories that you, you remembered leading 405 00:20:12,710 --> 00:20:14,570 up to the accident. And, and you broke down in 406 00:20:14,570 --> 00:20:16,760 the day that it was a, a normal day, but 407 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:19,400 it wasn't a, and I, when I was listened to 408 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,590 that, it was like a really moving, like, I can 409 00:20:21,590 --> 00:20:24,950 picture up everything that you would go through, every action 410 00:20:24,950 --> 00:20:26,810 that you are taking you on that day, leading up 411 00:20:27,290 --> 00:20:30,890 to your accident. It's talking about that deed hard to 412 00:20:30,890 --> 00:20:33,440 do is still a R does have a few, like 413 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:36,950 you're speaking of someone else's life, our w what, what 414 00:20:36,950 --> 00:20:38,780 was it like when you, we will make an episode 415 00:20:38,780 --> 00:20:39,230 like that? 416 00:20:39,860 --> 00:20:43,640 Every anniversary I, I do reflect on it. I reflect 417 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:46,250 on that more than I do my birthday. I'm not 418 00:20:46,250 --> 00:20:49,060 sure why, but it, it seems to be a September 419 00:20:49,060 --> 00:20:51,550 of the first for me, it's quite a big thing. 420 00:20:52,540 --> 00:20:56,140 I think it's a big thing because I simply reflect 421 00:20:56,140 --> 00:20:58,300 more on that day about my life than I do 422 00:20:58,300 --> 00:21:00,670 on my birthday. I got enough to get us by 423 00:21:00,670 --> 00:21:02,500 a perfectly, I love growing out. I love the fact 424 00:21:02,500 --> 00:21:05,560 that I'm still here. Well, when I recorded that episode, 425 00:21:05,590 --> 00:21:07,840 I really didn't know how it was going to go, 426 00:21:07,930 --> 00:21:11,020 but I just thought about it. You know, that Sunday, 427 00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:12,880 they broke my neck and, and not have to say 428 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,140 it. I said about it when I go out, but 429 00:21:14,140 --> 00:21:16,480 in the morning and went about my day. And they 430 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:19,680 said, this is no ordinary day, but it was no 431 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:20,460 ordinary day. 432 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:23,220 It was just a completely ordinary day. The same as 433 00:21:23,220 --> 00:21:24,990 what you've done this morning, or the same as what 434 00:21:24,990 --> 00:21:28,110 we've done this morning. But we never know when it's 435 00:21:28,110 --> 00:21:30,870 the last day, he will do that. One thing. You'd 436 00:21:30,870 --> 00:21:32,550 never know it. When it was the last day, you 437 00:21:32,550 --> 00:21:34,710 will be on the phone. Your mom you'll be at 438 00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:37,590 a, a hug. Someone hugged. Your daughter may be, or 439 00:21:37,620 --> 00:21:39,840 what have you ever, we never know, because one day 440 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:42,240 will be the last day you would do that ordinary 441 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:46,470 thing. And you have to strike a balance between living 442 00:21:46,470 --> 00:21:47,970 every day as if it is going to be a 443 00:21:47,970 --> 00:21:50,220 blast. You going to do that because you, you would 444 00:21:50,220 --> 00:21:54,060 end up either feeling really embracing life or feeling quite 445 00:21:54,060 --> 00:21:56,640 miserable and depressed. If you look at every day as 446 00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,500 if it is going to be the last day. But 447 00:21:58,500 --> 00:22:01,830 if we embrace the fact that everything we're doing is 448 00:22:01,830 --> 00:22:04,830 almost like the first time we do those things and, 449 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:05,850 and just embraced. 450 00:22:05,850 --> 00:22:08,160 This is the first ad I've got this day. What 451 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,680 am I going to do? It that it totally changes 452 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:13,560 the way we, we look at life. And then I 453 00:22:13,590 --> 00:22:17,760 do I do I do the ordinary things and think 454 00:22:17,790 --> 00:22:20,310 they're amazing every day. Do I drink in a cup 455 00:22:20,310 --> 00:22:23,010 of coffee and go, wow, this is an amazing cup 456 00:22:23,010 --> 00:22:25,800 of coffee. What I want an amazing gift. This is 457 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:29,130 to have a cat or that works. I have hundreds 458 00:22:29,130 --> 00:22:32,310 of people are just suddenly come together at to give 459 00:22:32,310 --> 00:22:35,610 the electricity from the cattle to work. I'm the coffee 460 00:22:35,610 --> 00:22:37,370 bean. So we pick that up for that so much. 461 00:22:37,380 --> 00:22:40,170 It goes into a cup of coffee, but every now 462 00:22:40,170 --> 00:22:43,260 and again, when we sit back and just the episode 463 00:22:43,260 --> 00:22:45,930 I recorded yesterday, it was about taking stock of our 464 00:22:45,930 --> 00:22:46,410 lives. 465 00:22:46,980 --> 00:22:50,970 It's like, gratitude is almost overused. Now I'm the same. 466 00:22:50,970 --> 00:22:54,420 As mindfulness is all most overused. And we all know 467 00:22:54,420 --> 00:22:57,180 we should be grateful for everything, but you cannot literally 468 00:22:57,180 --> 00:23:00,060 go for your day being grateful for everything. Every moment, 469 00:23:00,510 --> 00:23:02,280 get in the car and you can be grateful. The 470 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:04,920 cost starts. But if you start doing that every day, 471 00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:08,700 it becomes a norm. And again, and the episode was 472 00:23:08,700 --> 00:23:11,310 recorded yesterday, which will be out this week is just 473 00:23:12,090 --> 00:23:13,890 look around your house. What for your house and take 474 00:23:13,890 --> 00:23:16,170 stock of what you got. It just like a business 475 00:23:16,170 --> 00:23:19,260 would. And every year a business counts his assets by 476 00:23:19,260 --> 00:23:22,590 taking stock. When do we do that? But when do 477 00:23:22,590 --> 00:23:26,910 we go through our body and, and count the different 478 00:23:26,910 --> 00:23:28,110 assets, we got it. 479 00:23:28,110 --> 00:23:30,600 You know, the ability to see the ability to talk, 480 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:35,460 tastes, feel things, and just sitting down and occasionally and 481 00:23:35,460 --> 00:23:37,860 taking stock of that and go, Hey, this is what 482 00:23:37,860 --> 00:23:41,760 I have got, but not in a, in a gushy 483 00:23:41,790 --> 00:23:45,770 gratitude way. Just the reality of seeing the way things 484 00:23:45,770 --> 00:23:48,350 are, because the way things are very often aren't and 485 00:23:48,350 --> 00:23:50,780 the way we see them, you know, were so focused 486 00:23:50,780 --> 00:23:53,600 on a negative bias, w w which is a, a 487 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,540 good reason why we got it. You know, a negative 488 00:23:56,540 --> 00:24:00,230 bias keeps us alive and negative bias is why we've 489 00:24:00,230 --> 00:24:04,520 evolved so well as humans in a world that really 490 00:24:04,610 --> 00:24:08,810 isn't that friendly, especially, especially in the last few million 491 00:24:08,810 --> 00:24:10,220 years, hasn't been that friendly. 492 00:24:10,730 --> 00:24:14,270 We've just made, you know, essentially a heated lockable homes. 493 00:24:14,270 --> 00:24:16,400 We made the world a little more safer for us. 494 00:24:16,730 --> 00:24:20,120 So this negative bias that we so wants to try 495 00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:22,730 to get rid of what we want to always think 496 00:24:22,730 --> 00:24:26,660 positive and always be happy. But the reality is, if 497 00:24:26,660 --> 00:24:30,650 we are always saying everything in the positive frame, where 498 00:24:31,460 --> 00:24:33,620 we are going to miss the signal's in the things 499 00:24:33,620 --> 00:24:36,980 that helped protect us, that helps us improve our lives. 500 00:24:37,610 --> 00:24:40,070 Negativity isn't bad. It's what we do with it at 501 00:24:40,070 --> 00:24:41,900 the same as anger, or it isn't bad. It's what 502 00:24:41,900 --> 00:24:44,360 we do with it. I think that's the one thing 503 00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:49,100 that if I could teach anything, it's, whatever arises, wherever 504 00:24:49,100 --> 00:24:52,400 it is here, what we do with it is completely 505 00:24:53,180 --> 00:24:54,080 our choice. 506 00:24:54,260 --> 00:24:56,000 You know, you can be given a hammer and you 507 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:59,210 could build a house, or you can destroy something above 508 00:24:59,210 --> 00:25:01,640 what was not the hammer. It's not the anger. It's 509 00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:04,340 not the way, it's not the feeling of when we're 510 00:25:04,340 --> 00:25:08,930 feeling depressed or something like that. It's never the emotional 511 00:25:08,930 --> 00:25:11,360 survives in to blame the continued suffering. 512 00:25:11,380 --> 00:25:13,210 All right. And it, and it reminds me, I want 513 00:25:13,210 --> 00:25:15,670 you to watch a documentary, a thing it was on 514 00:25:15,670 --> 00:25:20,290 Netflix are something about the text messages that are the 515 00:25:20,290 --> 00:25:22,420 people that were on the plane's in nine 11 center 516 00:25:22,810 --> 00:25:24,760 on a lot of them new. This was going to 517 00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:27,610 be the last name. And then they were speaking about 518 00:25:27,610 --> 00:25:30,310 it. As you mentioned, there are what they should have 519 00:25:30,310 --> 00:25:31,990 done for the partner is what they should've done with 520 00:25:31,990 --> 00:25:35,500 the kids and spent more time. And, and then afterwards, 521 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:37,600 he had visited the survivor's. So people that were meant 522 00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:39,310 to go to work that day and the tower is, 523 00:25:39,310 --> 00:25:40,930 but for whatever reason, they would leave it. There was 524 00:25:40,930 --> 00:25:43,000 traffic jams. They were saying they have to drop kids 525 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:47,590 off. They, they celebrate their lives now and make, make 526 00:25:47,590 --> 00:25:51,460 sure that they embraced the date. But they also ensure 527 00:25:51,460 --> 00:25:54,190 as you, as you rightly pointed out, that there are 528 00:25:54,190 --> 00:25:56,050 lost people that are lost friends who have lost loved 529 00:25:56,050 --> 00:25:57,940 ones, and that they punish that. 530 00:25:57,940 --> 00:25:59,290 I'm not sure if punish is that like what? But 531 00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:02,440 they, they make themselves feel guilty for that moment of 532 00:26:02,500 --> 00:26:04,210 they are here and the friends that aren't. 533 00:26:04,690 --> 00:26:08,590 Yeah. And it's very difficult because everything becomes a Normal, 534 00:26:09,310 --> 00:26:12,310 everything becomes normal. I say, it's like, we, we see 535 00:26:12,310 --> 00:26:16,090 some of them that we want. And then we build 536 00:26:16,090 --> 00:26:19,810 up this, that this is going to say, this is 537 00:26:19,810 --> 00:26:21,490 going to solve all our problems. This is going to 538 00:26:21,490 --> 00:26:23,830 be present at once we move house. Once we buy 539 00:26:23,830 --> 00:26:27,610 something, once we learned this new skill, and then we 540 00:26:27,610 --> 00:26:30,400 fell great once that happens. And then after a few 541 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:34,660 weeks, if it becomes completely normal again, and I haven't 542 00:26:34,660 --> 00:26:39,430 seen that documentary, but I can imagine the euphoria of 543 00:26:39,460 --> 00:26:41,620 we survived. We're going to go out and do all 544 00:26:41,620 --> 00:26:44,240 of these things. And then the life settles in. 545 00:26:44,260 --> 00:26:48,090 Again, they settle back into a normal life and then 546 00:26:48,090 --> 00:26:50,340 they feel guilty all my days for not living their 547 00:26:50,340 --> 00:26:54,150 life to the fall. Because I th I believe everybody 548 00:26:54,150 --> 00:26:56,460 feels to some degree would not live in our lives 549 00:26:56,460 --> 00:26:58,560 to the full, I don't think anybody, he goes to 550 00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:02,400 bed at night, thinking that I did everything I could 551 00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:05,670 possibly do to make today amazing. You know, it as 552 00:27:05,670 --> 00:27:07,850 bad as the days and there's days, or have class 553 00:27:07,870 --> 00:27:10,710 not so productive, you know, I, I tend to go 554 00:27:10,710 --> 00:27:12,390 back to the end of the night if I can 555 00:27:12,390 --> 00:27:14,040 put my head down and a small and go, Hey, 556 00:27:14,100 --> 00:27:17,490 you know, I did a pretty good, I don't beat 557 00:27:17,490 --> 00:27:21,570 myself up. Sometimes I still do. Sometimes I write my 558 00:27:21,570 --> 00:27:23,550 level lists in the morning and then to achieve it. 559 00:27:23,610 --> 00:27:25,650 And I put my head down and go, I've got 560 00:27:25,650 --> 00:27:27,900 to come back and do Pat's in my way, but 561 00:27:27,900 --> 00:27:30,240 I kind of laugh at that struggle. 562 00:27:30,510 --> 00:27:33,630 But yeah, I couldn't imagine. I couldn't imagine there is 563 00:27:33,630 --> 00:27:36,780 some element of guilt survivor's guilt. I think I've heard 564 00:27:36,780 --> 00:27:37,800 that phrase before. 565 00:27:38,410 --> 00:27:42,980 And you mentioned struggled on your website, your share, how 566 00:27:42,980 --> 00:27:46,520 your childhood was a difficult one, your parents divorced a 567 00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:49,670 year, ended up homeless for a while. Did you feel 568 00:27:49,670 --> 00:27:54,380 like the, the, the hardship of your childhood helped you, 569 00:27:54,950 --> 00:27:57,290 like toughen you up with that sort of an expression 570 00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:01,490 for when your accident happened? Because your accident happened after 571 00:28:01,910 --> 00:28:04,580 the homelessness? Correct? Because obviously you were kids. And do 572 00:28:04,580 --> 00:28:06,560 you think that helped you a mindset or was that 573 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:09,050 a different mindset altogether? 574 00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:12,500 I can remember when, when we moved down to a 575 00:28:12,500 --> 00:28:15,770 small holding, my, my, my parents are divorced. I don't 576 00:28:15,770 --> 00:28:18,500 think that was my fault. So I was only have 577 00:28:18,500 --> 00:28:20,570 about seven at that time, but I can remember when 578 00:28:20,570 --> 00:28:22,340 we moved out of the smaller to me, moved to 579 00:28:22,340 --> 00:28:25,760 tour, and we ended up in a caravan I'm from 580 00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:28,940 that car. And we were then put into a home 581 00:28:29,420 --> 00:28:32,120 that I thought was a mansion. We put up to 582 00:28:32,120 --> 00:28:35,570 this mansion in that, like the English stately home, your 583 00:28:35,570 --> 00:28:37,520 drive up to one thing you got out of the 584 00:28:37,520 --> 00:28:39,350 car, and you can go into the big dog with 585 00:28:39,350 --> 00:28:43,130 a huge stack house and lots of rooms. I think 586 00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:45,230 he was out. I thought we made it. I thought 587 00:28:45,230 --> 00:28:48,140 it was his mum when the lottery or something, and 588 00:28:48,980 --> 00:28:50,990 it didn't occur to me at the time. 589 00:28:51,020 --> 00:28:53,000 But later on, I knew it, it was basically to 590 00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:56,990 be a refuge for single woman. And I remember I've 591 00:28:56,990 --> 00:29:00,200 been in the bedroom where my mum and my older 592 00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:03,140 sister, she's two years older than me. So I think 593 00:29:03,500 --> 00:29:05,330 she was suffering a lot more than I was at 594 00:29:05,330 --> 00:29:08,780 a time. I thought this was an adventure, and I 595 00:29:08,780 --> 00:29:13,310 can remember eating an evening, mail out. It was cold 596 00:29:13,310 --> 00:29:17,450 part is out of a SoulSteven. And it just, something 597 00:29:17,450 --> 00:29:20,540 really struck me when my mum put some of it 598 00:29:20,540 --> 00:29:21,980 in the sauce. And then me and my sister had 599 00:29:21,980 --> 00:29:25,250 it, it was spoons. I kind of enjoy that. That 600 00:29:25,250 --> 00:29:27,740 was cool to me. I was like a young child, 601 00:29:28,160 --> 00:29:31,010 but now I see my mum ate when we left. 602 00:29:31,580 --> 00:29:34,610 And I do remember sitting there thinking, why didn't we 603 00:29:34,610 --> 00:29:36,590 have a normal male? Well, why didn't we have a 604 00:29:36,590 --> 00:29:40,760 Hotmail wan? Why is mom At, when we left now? 605 00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:43,300 I don't know the reasons I haven't put it up 606 00:29:43,300 --> 00:29:46,390 with her. And that's what I noticed that day. I 607 00:29:46,390 --> 00:29:48,550 don't know if it really grows you a muscle to 608 00:29:48,550 --> 00:29:53,350 become strong, but it's certainly, it gives you a perspective 609 00:29:53,350 --> 00:29:56,020 of you, you know, if you've gotten nothing and you 610 00:29:56,020 --> 00:29:59,620 lose everything, you already know that you can lose everything 611 00:29:59,620 --> 00:30:02,860 and be okay. Even at that doorway, when I was 612 00:30:02,860 --> 00:30:05,890 quiet, you know, I had no money I had in 613 00:30:05,890 --> 00:30:08,800 in fact I had nothing. I didn't even have my 614 00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:13,240 ability to move forward and be in 40 years old, 615 00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:15,730 he literally bought it in your eyes are in front 616 00:30:15,730 --> 00:30:18,310 of a public on a Sunday, Saturday afternoon. 617 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:22,360 You don't give a much lower than that. And I 618 00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:25,810 know now that I can be there and be OK, 619 00:30:26,260 --> 00:30:29,290 it almost seems like my life is a firm, one 620 00:30:29,320 --> 00:30:33,280 catastrophe, or a one fade into another. It really isn't. 621 00:30:33,430 --> 00:30:37,990 It's it's. Those are the times that really decide who 622 00:30:37,990 --> 00:30:39,730 you, you going to be decided how you were going 623 00:30:39,730 --> 00:30:42,970 to show up. Those are the times when you've got 624 00:30:42,970 --> 00:30:46,300 to dig deep and do something that is a signpost 625 00:30:46,300 --> 00:30:49,480 in life. All of the other, the music concerts, they 626 00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:53,470 have great experiences, the funding and love the, all of 627 00:30:53,470 --> 00:30:55,420 those are the things that we wish we could last 628 00:30:55,420 --> 00:30:59,020 forever. All of those were immature. I mean, I know 629 00:30:59,020 --> 00:31:02,110 all of those are the great experiences, but they don't 630 00:31:02,110 --> 00:31:03,670 very often define us. 631 00:31:04,330 --> 00:31:07,840 And I think that's why we focus sometimes. And I 632 00:31:07,840 --> 00:31:10,630 don't look back at any of those events and go, 633 00:31:10,630 --> 00:31:13,180 I wish they didn't happen. I look back on them 634 00:31:13,180 --> 00:31:16,660 quite fondly in a way that I do believe I've 635 00:31:16,660 --> 00:31:21,040 got this strange today, the ability to be resilient. And 636 00:31:21,340 --> 00:31:24,400 I don't live in fear because I really think I 637 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:27,280 can lose everything again and be okay, you know, way 638 00:31:27,730 --> 00:31:31,150 things work out. It just might not work out and 639 00:31:31,150 --> 00:31:32,860 the same timeline as you want them to. 640 00:31:34,020 --> 00:31:35,340 Yeah. And speaking of the things, what can I, you 641 00:31:35,340 --> 00:31:39,210 had mentioned earlier, your deputy elect of a deputy chief, 642 00:31:39,300 --> 00:31:42,900 deputy mayor aleck, sorry of Trudeau, which was a beautiful 643 00:31:43,230 --> 00:31:44,970 place in Cornwell when the UK have done it. And 644 00:31:44,970 --> 00:31:49,560 so of course, you've done multiple challenges for charity. You've 645 00:31:49,650 --> 00:31:53,460 organized music festivals, and your second book, the gift of 646 00:31:53,460 --> 00:31:56,670 no choice is on its way, which is a far 647 00:31:56,670 --> 00:31:59,610 cry from some of that, the darker stuff that's also 648 00:31:59,610 --> 00:32:02,220 happening in your life. What else is on your bucket 649 00:32:02,220 --> 00:32:04,050 list? Give you got a lot going on at the 650 00:32:04,050 --> 00:32:05,100 mall. What are your bucket list? 651 00:32:05,310 --> 00:32:08,850 Well, I, I have, I have a three-year plan that 652 00:32:08,910 --> 00:32:12,390 I'm not attached too, but it's a, I I'm very 653 00:32:12,390 --> 00:32:15,000 much live in the moment, be mindful of the day 654 00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:18,840 and things like that. But, you know, with climbing the, 655 00:32:19,320 --> 00:32:22,480 the metaphorical mountain and I am, and I'm very much 656 00:32:22,500 --> 00:32:23,790 a sit down and take a look at the view 657 00:32:23,790 --> 00:32:26,670 and enjoy it, but keeping an eye on where you're 658 00:32:26,670 --> 00:32:28,890 going, but then it become attached to where the guy, 659 00:32:29,190 --> 00:32:33,210 but I haven't a three year plan. And really I 660 00:32:33,210 --> 00:32:36,240 wasn't planning on becoming the deputy Merillat act at this 661 00:32:36,240 --> 00:32:38,820 point or the deputy mayor for the next year. I'll 662 00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:42,140 if I still got Alexa as a local counselor in 663 00:32:42,140 --> 00:32:45,620 may the seventh, I will, I will then officially become 664 00:32:45,620 --> 00:32:46,400 the deputy manager. 665 00:32:47,060 --> 00:32:49,520 So I'll be learning what it's like to be the 666 00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:54,410 deputy mayor and supporting the current mayor. John Allen was 667 00:32:54,410 --> 00:32:57,110 a big she's now that Merillat. So she will become 668 00:32:57,110 --> 00:33:01,010 the math. And then if I choose to take it 669 00:33:01,040 --> 00:33:03,890 on, or, and if the counselors do what me and 670 00:33:03,890 --> 00:33:06,230 I was raised in an anonymous letter. So I, I 671 00:33:06,230 --> 00:33:09,740 so think of my fellow counselors for that, for the 672 00:33:09,740 --> 00:33:12,410 believing in me, having the trust in him, giving me 673 00:33:12,830 --> 00:33:16,970 this amazing responsibility, and then I would become mad for 674 00:33:16,970 --> 00:33:20,900 the year. So the plan then is to release my 675 00:33:20,930 --> 00:33:22,880 book, come to near the end of the year, the 676 00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:26,090 book it's called the gift of no choice that really 677 00:33:26,090 --> 00:33:27,080 is looking at my life. 678 00:33:27,080 --> 00:33:30,380 And I think is a wonderful thing. When we have 679 00:33:30,380 --> 00:33:33,890 our choices were moved from us, you know, I have 680 00:33:33,890 --> 00:33:36,040 no choice in that door way to do something more 681 00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:38,480 in my life. You know, if we are comfortable and 682 00:33:38,480 --> 00:33:42,080 everything is going okay, when someone comes along and says, 683 00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:44,600 well, give up your job because there's better things you 684 00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:47,210 can do is just like, eh, I don't want that. 685 00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:49,640 I've got to come from right now. I think that 686 00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:51,950 sometimes we have to be forced out of our comfort 687 00:33:51,950 --> 00:33:54,530 zone. So that's what the books about that, the gift 688 00:33:54,530 --> 00:33:57,680 of no choice, I've had no choice, but to face 689 00:33:57,680 --> 00:34:01,340 my battles in life. And I think that gifts I 690 00:34:01,340 --> 00:34:05,930 really do. And then the, You, after being the man 691 00:34:05,930 --> 00:34:08,330 who, if that happens, I wanna go back to John 692 00:34:08,330 --> 00:34:09,010 and go to the Lanza. 693 00:34:09,010 --> 00:34:11,990 And M is the upper most point of the UK 694 00:34:11,990 --> 00:34:15,680 to Just down where I live. Landon is known to 695 00:34:15,680 --> 00:34:19,220 be a thousand miles. I attend to that in 2005 696 00:34:19,220 --> 00:34:23,300 to raise money for dogs who are disabled and fleet 697 00:34:23,340 --> 00:34:28,850 frontline, emergency equipment and trust. Well, I failed because on 698 00:34:28,860 --> 00:34:31,040 about the 15th day, I came out in my wheelchair. 699 00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:33,500 I'm part of my shoulder. Yeah. I would like to 700 00:34:33,500 --> 00:34:38,600 go back and redo that. And I think now with 701 00:34:38,750 --> 00:34:43,190 Facebook and live video and having this new wheelchair that's 702 00:34:43,190 --> 00:34:44,960 delivered next week, I won't go into it. So it's 703 00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:49,430 like, I'm literally like child that has got the best 704 00:34:49,430 --> 00:34:50,420 toy in the world. 705 00:34:50,810 --> 00:34:54,830 I'm getting my legs back on Tuesday. And just in 706 00:34:54,830 --> 00:35:00,650 time for the vulnerable people that have some kind of 707 00:35:00,680 --> 00:35:05,120 illness that, you know, COVID-19, that would really affect, we 708 00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:08,630 were allowed out from the 31st of March and what 709 00:35:08,630 --> 00:35:13,190 a perfect timing is, just so incredible timing. So with 710 00:35:13,190 --> 00:35:14,540 that, I want to go back and do my job 711 00:35:14,540 --> 00:35:17,990 and go to London. And I want to, my initial 712 00:35:17,990 --> 00:35:21,860 thought is I want to provide a, a thousand people 713 00:35:21,860 --> 00:35:25,850 with the dogs for the disabled. I had won for 714 00:35:25,850 --> 00:35:28,580 nearly 12 years. It was called back in the golden 715 00:35:28,580 --> 00:35:30,830 achiever. He would move stuff out my way. He would 716 00:35:30,830 --> 00:35:31,760 pick stuff up and put it on my lap. 717 00:35:32,480 --> 00:35:34,190 But most of all it is, it is an amazing 718 00:35:34,190 --> 00:35:38,070 companion, you know, dogs have this ability to not judge 719 00:35:38,070 --> 00:35:41,430 you. They love you unconditionally. And I would love to 720 00:35:41,430 --> 00:35:43,680 be able to do that for a thousand people. So 721 00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:47,400 that's my plan after I've done that after I finished 722 00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:50,610 the book and the reason why the book slightly delayed 723 00:35:50,610 --> 00:35:55,710 is because of, I think They deputy mayor. And if 724 00:35:55,710 --> 00:35:57,780 I go on to be mad, I think is a 725 00:35:57,780 --> 00:36:01,470 fitting end of that is a current chapter. And this 726 00:36:01,470 --> 00:36:06,480 is wonderful having mindfulness and a big heart and politics. 727 00:36:07,260 --> 00:36:09,780 Uhm, I believe it, it is there any way everybody 728 00:36:09,780 --> 00:36:12,990 I see in politics, especially on a local level, there 729 00:36:12,990 --> 00:36:16,170 is that because the passionate and they care, they may 730 00:36:16,170 --> 00:36:18,420 not, it may not always be as obvious, same way 731 00:36:18,420 --> 00:36:20,730 as we say it, but there is a heart in 732 00:36:20,730 --> 00:36:24,450 local politics and you know, that's my next three year 733 00:36:24,450 --> 00:36:24,930 plan. 734 00:36:24,960 --> 00:36:27,750 I I'm so excited about it. It can be a 735 00:36:27,750 --> 00:36:29,430 challenge Tuesday. I know we're going to go on about 736 00:36:29,430 --> 00:36:30,630 that, but that's just so awesome. 737 00:36:31,190 --> 00:36:32,570 No, it was, I'm going to think you mentioned as 738 00:36:32,570 --> 00:36:33,650 well. And it's like, why are you looking at your 739 00:36:33,650 --> 00:36:35,480 legs? But no, you can do stuff, but it's a 740 00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:39,100 lockdown as closing you get to know again, it's like, 741 00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:40,990 I can feel that excitement coming through there. This is 742 00:36:40,990 --> 00:36:44,210 a screen now it's awesome that you had mentioned earlier 743 00:36:44,900 --> 00:36:47,030 that when we were speaking about the episode where you're 744 00:36:47,030 --> 00:36:50,360 talking about, you know, being paralyzed as I've trained reasons, 745 00:36:50,420 --> 00:36:53,420 being paralyzed is that one of the, the things for 746 00:36:53,420 --> 00:36:56,210 the episode, I was going to say it changed your 747 00:36:56,210 --> 00:36:59,660 perspective or, or, or offer offering the perspective that it 748 00:36:59,720 --> 00:37:01,970 may be is not quite an amazing what I'm doing, 749 00:37:03,050 --> 00:37:04,370 but to a lot of people are obviously your, an 750 00:37:04,370 --> 00:37:07,160 inspirational and the way they want to show that by 751 00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:11,480 help and stuff, who would be your own time inspiration 752 00:37:11,540 --> 00:37:13,550 and, and why that passionate people. 753 00:37:14,030 --> 00:37:18,010 I think my mum to a large degree, she, and 754 00:37:18,010 --> 00:37:19,970 she went through a lot as I was, I was 755 00:37:19,970 --> 00:37:23,210 a child. I don't know. Well, she always coped with 756 00:37:23,210 --> 00:37:26,000 things. She heard it from us. So I think she 757 00:37:26,450 --> 00:37:30,140 would be one of my great inspirations and I've never 758 00:37:30,140 --> 00:37:33,580 been asked that question and it's nice to be able 759 00:37:33,580 --> 00:37:35,360 to put her down. And I never thought of it 760 00:37:35,540 --> 00:37:38,270 so much in that way, but she has. And other 761 00:37:38,270 --> 00:37:41,120 people around me that helped me out a lot. And 762 00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:43,340 then you've got the famous people where there's people that 763 00:37:43,340 --> 00:37:47,450 have made a big difference. Umm, you know, the Mandela 764 00:37:47,450 --> 00:37:49,760 was of the world and people like that that have 765 00:37:49,760 --> 00:37:53,150 lived in solitude and the gift of new choice again 766 00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:56,450 that have come out the other side, Terry White people 767 00:37:56,450 --> 00:38:00,830 like that, that have been thrown in the most awful 768 00:38:01,100 --> 00:38:04,610 positions, but yet they found a way to compose themselves 769 00:38:04,610 --> 00:38:10,460 and you use use that, the situation to their advantage 770 00:38:10,460 --> 00:38:12,890 to help others through that. 771 00:38:13,340 --> 00:38:15,200 So I hope that answers your question. 772 00:38:15,770 --> 00:38:17,960 No I do. And, and I, I like, as you 773 00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:21,620 mentioned, it ties completely backed to, to your own mindset 774 00:38:21,620 --> 00:38:24,530 and then, you know, your outlook on life, where it's 775 00:38:24,530 --> 00:38:28,160 about people who have overcome the no choice and you 776 00:38:28,160 --> 00:38:30,110 know, that's clearly not to shape your life and as 777 00:38:30,110 --> 00:38:32,240 it is now. So now that it's like that, definitely 778 00:38:32,240 --> 00:38:33,710 ask him a question. And like I was curious because 779 00:38:33,710 --> 00:38:34,940 I like it might, you know, I know you're an 780 00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:36,700 to a lot of people who inspire me, but I 781 00:38:36,700 --> 00:38:40,930 was curious to see who, who, who makes Steven inspired. 782 00:38:41,020 --> 00:38:43,360 So thank you for that. So Steven, this is I've 783 00:38:43,360 --> 00:38:46,960 really enjoyed our chat today. I could sit here and 784 00:38:46,960 --> 00:38:49,690 talk with you for hours and hours a day, but 785 00:38:49,690 --> 00:38:52,240 in my world that it's, it's like the late afternoon 786 00:38:52,240 --> 00:38:53,800 and I'm sure you got stuff to do it for 787 00:38:53,800 --> 00:38:57,880 people that want to connect with IU online or listen 788 00:38:57,890 --> 00:39:02,170 to your podcast about meditation and taking the time to, 789 00:39:02,290 --> 00:39:04,240 to, to sort of flag where is the best place 790 00:39:04,240 --> 00:39:05,170 for them to connect with you. 791 00:39:05,860 --> 00:39:09,130 The best thing to do is connect with steven.com and 792 00:39:09,130 --> 00:39:10,780 I'll make sure I dropped out in the show notes 793 00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:13,060 on analytics to your podcast. That will be in the 794 00:39:13,060 --> 00:39:14,800 shot. It's too. So if you are listening to this 795 00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:16,960 episode on your favorite podcast app, as you show up 796 00:39:16,990 --> 00:39:18,910 just a quick reminder, add on to the show notes 797 00:39:18,940 --> 00:39:20,770 and you find all the links are over to Steven. 798 00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:23,860 So again, Stephen, I really appreciate today and I'll be 799 00:39:23,860 --> 00:39:25,840 listened to some more episodes and I know, and I 800 00:39:25,840 --> 00:39:27,090 look forward to the new and it's coming out as 801 00:39:27,100 --> 00:39:29,560 soon as well. So thank you for today. Thank you 802 00:39:29,560 --> 00:39:33,040 Tammy. I really appreciate it. This has been Podcaster Stories. 803 00:39:33,370 --> 00:39:35,500 If you enjoy today's episode, make sure to head on 804 00:39:35,500 --> 00:39:38,200 over to Podcaster Stories dot com, where you can catch 805 00:39:38,200 --> 00:39:41,560 up on previous episodes, subscribe to the free newsletter and 806 00:39:41,560 --> 00:39:43,510 basically choose your apps. So you want to listen to 807 00:39:43,510 --> 00:39:47,740 the show on Apple podcasts, Apple podcast, Spotify, and until 808 00:39:47,740 --> 00:39:49,840 the next time take care and stay safe.