Welcome to the taboo to Truth podcast, unapologetic conversations about sexuality in midlife.

I'm your hostess, Karen Bigman, certified life and menopause coach and sex educator.

Whether it's a dwindling libido, a dry vagina, a challenging erection, or the emotional ups and downs of midlife, we're here to talk about it all.

I'm going to bring the often quiet into the light to create a safe space where no question is too awkward or taboo.

Together, we're creating a community of support and education where you can learn, share, and laugh about the intricate beauty of sex in midlife.

So grab your favorite drink and put me on speaker.

It's time we broke the silence.

I wanted to replay this episode for you.

It's one of my first episodes, and.

It'S a little bit about my journey into getting back into sex and back.

Into relationships and some of the experiences and learnings that I've had and how.

To overcome the challenges that for me were lifelong and continue to be challenges.

And I think will likely resonate with.

Many of us because we all are trying to find that place where we are valued and cherished.

And ultimately what it comes down to.

Is truly valuing and cherishing ourselves.

Before we can ask somebody to do.

The same for us, we all need a place to go and someone to talk to and someone to listen and somewhere to say, you know what?

You're okay.

You are truly okay, and everybody is.

Experiencing something very similar, and you don't need to be alone at it.

Welcome to the taboo to Truth podcast, unapologetic conversations about sexuality in midlife.

I'm your hostess, Karen Bigman, certified life and menopause coach and sexual explorer, your trusted guide through the realms of dry vaginas, hot flashes, and the enigmatic orgasm journey.

I'm here to bring the often quiet into the light to create a safe space where no question is too awkward or taboo.

Whether you're experiencing changes in libido, concerned about navigating your menopausal life, or simply seeking to understand your body better, we are going to share this journey and it will be brave and open hearted.

And yes, it's okay to talk about it.

And yes, it's okay to ask.

So grab your favorite drink and put me on speaker.

It's time we broke the silence.

The first time I had sex after my marriage ended was with an old friend and we were together for a couple years pretty much on and off.

But both of us were liberated and it was pretty fun.

Mostly, I think, the freedom to have it whenever we wanted and that we were so hungry for each other and we couldn't see each other all the time due to work constraints, kid constraints, whatever.

But it was pretty wild to be able to just be liberated and free and start having sex again with somebody other than my husband.

So I think that the first time is, on one hand, it's scary, on the other hand, it's just completely liberating.

And I've gone on to have different relationships.

I've been out of my marriage now for about ten years.

So as the relationships evolved and I evolved, and I became more confident in who I was, I can't say I always chose the right men, which is another conversation.

But I did learn a lot about my body and about what I wanted and what I needed.

And I learned to appreciate sex in a different way and appreciate my body in a way, and to know that I could ask for things.

And that was a hard thing at first, because when I realized that I had a testosterone deficiency and I had to change my hormones and add the testosterone and the bupropion, I also started using a vibrator because I learned that most women, in fact, somewhere between 80 and 95% of women, cannot have an orgasm without clitoral stimulation.

It's very hard for most women to have an orgasm with just vaginal penetration in order for me to truly enjoy the sexual experience.

And I'm not saying that having an orgasm is the ultimate experience, but sometimes even getting aroused, I needed to have clitoral stimulation.

I needed a vibrator.

Now I was meeting new people, and it was like, okay, I'm about to get into bed with this guy.

How do I tell him that you can't just do this, that, and the other, the way you did it with your ex or the other women in your life.

I need some toys.

And I was always really nervous.

And in every new relationship I get in, I'm really nervous to tell the guy that I need toys.

I will tell you, from my experience, there has not been a one that has even balked.

Most of them are more than happy to help, and some of them even want to use the toys on themselves and get more exploratory.

And it's pretty wild to be able to be in the situation where you're in control of your own sexual pleasure.

And I think I always was a sexual person, and I know I was always a sexual person, but I didn't know what that meant.

I enjoy touch, physical touch.

I enjoy kissing.

I don't enjoy, like, overly handsy.

But I do like somebody to acknowledge me through warmth and affection because that's something that I really didn't get physical touch in that way when I was young.

And I think what we also learned is certainly in my house.

I grew up in a rather conservative eastern european household where my parents survived the war.

And there wasn't much openness about talking about your body or sexuality.

And I think societally, we, we're always told as women to hide things.

And if you are showing cleavage or you're wearing tight pants or you're wearing a sexy dress, then you're looking slutty.

And by the way, you're doing it for a guy, not for yourself.

So as I started to appreciate my body and understand the power I have over my body and that it is nobody else who's going to tell me how to do things, but I am going to tell them how to do things.

I was able to develop more intimacy with the guys I was dating.

Now, I will say that intimacy was good in the bedroom for the most part, but I am also learning as I go through these different relationships, that there is a huge component of how you feel about the person and how you feel about yourself is the most important, but also how you want to be with the person.

Now, if you are in a place where you want to explore different experiences, by all means, ladies, there's nothing wrong with it.

You should do it.

I always say, make sure you do it safely.

And you really want to learn what you like, and you want to learn how to tell your partner that this is what you like and how you like it without being embarrassed.

And it's still hard for me.

And I.

Here I am talking to the world about clitorises and vaginas and vulvas and sexuality and testosterone and orgasms, and yet it's still a little uncomfortable when I meet somebody new and we finally get intimate and I'm telling them something that feels a little awkward, when actually it should just be like, this is how we do it in my house.

This is how we do it in my bed.

This is how I like to do it.

And I hope you're on board with me.

And if you're not, then maybe you're not the right guy to be doing it with.

So that was a big part.

The other thing that I learned, I felt that sleeping with someone rather quickly, that I was dating, was par for the course.

I thought, now that I'm free, I think I'm going to sleep with the guy on the second or third date.

And what ended up happening is while in most cases the sex was good and sometimes it was even amazing, I started to get attached because once you have, in my case, I think any kind of deep intimacy, but often it's intercourse.

We connect on a level with a person that makes us feel more bonded with them.

And I'm the kind of person that gets attached.

And so what happened as a result of all this sexual liberation is that I started getting into relationships way too quickly with people that weren't right for me.

And it took a little while.

So I have been in two long relationships and more recently I've had three shorter ones.

And two of those ended abruptly and they were ended by the guy.

And I was really devastated.

And I thought I was so free and cool and one of them was super intense sexually, but it's not so simple.

So if you are going to embark on a sexual relationship with somebody, and I'm talking as a heterosexual female, so I can only speak, speak from my own experience, you really want to think about, it's great to be liberated.

It's great to be able to have the conversation.

It's great to be free enough to say anything you want to somebody and to feel safe.

At the same time, you want to be sure that by doing that, you don't put yourself in a situation where you later on get very disappointed and hurt by the person.

Because that being that free and that liberated and that open was being very vulnerable.

And it really was an abrupt end.

That hurt.

In my case, it was the second relationship that I had and it threw me over the edge and I didn't understand it.

We'd gone out for a few months and the sex was really great.

And then one day after coming back to New York with me, two days later, he shows up at my doorstep and says, I'm crazy about you, but I just don't see it.

I hope youre enjoying this episode of Tabuta Truth.

Do you have any burning questions about sex in midlife menopause, dating after divorce, or exploring the spicier side of things like polyamory or kink?

I want to hear from you.

Head over to my website, taboototruth.com, and fill out the form with your questions.

Ill answer them anonymously in upcoming episodes so you can get the scoop without revealing your identity.

Its like having a secret hotline to all your midlife sex questions.

Whatever it is, I am all ears.

So jump over to my website, tabutotruth.com, and let's keep the conversation going.

Now back to the show.

Now, not sure I saw the rest of my life with this guy, but I guess because the intimacy was intense.

The abruptness of the breakup plunged me into a depression.

Now I have had depression.

I've struggled with it in the past.

When I.

When I was 40, I had somewhat of a breakdown, and I started going to therapy, and it really helped me evolve as a person.

And over the 20 years since then, I've completely changed.

But this one hit me over the head like a ton of bricks, and I couldn't figure out where it was coming from.

I thought I was so independent and so liberated, and I picked up and I moved my life from New York City after 35 plus years, moved to Laguna Beach, California, by myself in a house, starting to make new friends.

And this guy just breaks up with me after, I think it was four months, and I'm like a complete hot mess.

I don't think I really understood that the magnitude of having such intense sex with somebody would affect me on such an intimate level that when he broke up with me, it was like an unbelievable rejection, and it brought me back, of course.

Where do all these feelings and emotions come from?

They come from your childhood and things that happened to you.

And so over the past year, plus, I started to figure out what was going on.

And now, as a result, I know that when I am getting intimate with somebody, it is very hard for me to do so at a distance.

I just am not somebody that can sleep with a bunch of guys.

Maybe I could, but I have never tried to just have sex with a bunch of guys, be completely intimate, and then walk away without any emotion.

Now, some people can do that, and some people sleep with the person, and then they're like, you know what?

I thought I really liked you, but not so much anymore.

And that's okay, too.

I'm not judging what you do.

I'm just saying that with this liberation of your body and your sexuality, your freedom from your partner or your marriage, comes this, like, amazing, this amazing place that you can be in.

But you also have to think about your emotions and your vulnerable side and how that will affect you.

And while I feel very comfortable, or much more comfortable talking about things like the vibrator and being stimulated on my clitoris and asking for certain kinds of kissing and doing things like that, if I do that with someone, it becomes a much more intimate emotional experience for me.

And so I want to caution you, on one hand, I want to liberate you and say, ladies, just go have fun.

At the same time, get to know yourself first really well.

What do you need?

Maybe it takes going through a few relationships, as it did for me to really understand that.

Like, I can't sleep with a guy on the second or third date because that means that I'm connected.

And a lot of times they're not or I don't know them well enough.

There's too much unknown.

There's too many things that start to come up, and here I have bonded with them and the relationship doesn't work out.

So that was something that was a really big learning for me.

The other thing I learned as part of all of this is that going from relationship to relationship is interesting and it's a learning experience.

But for me, each one that ended, particularly when the guy ended it, which was two of the three, was like a huge setback because it was a complete rejection of me.

And it was made me question all this freedom and liberation that I felt.

Wait a minute.

Like maybe there's something wrong with me because these guys just keep dumping me.

So what I learned again, after life coaching and therapy, I continued to learn and to grow, but I had to really learn to understand and to love myself.

And I got to tell you, ladies, it is a challenge.

You'd think I'm so confident I can talk about anything, but I am as insecure as the next person.

And it's a really hard thing for us to love ourselves because the images we see of women don't look like most of us.

So every little imperfection that we have, we judge.

I hope you're enjoying this episode of taboo to truth.

Do you have any burning questions about sex in midlife menopause, dating after divorce, or exploring the spicier side of things like polyamory or kink?

I want to hear from you.

Head over to my website, taboototruth.com, and fill out the form with your questions.

I'll answer them anonymously in upcoming episodes so you can get the scoop without revealing your identity.

It's like having a secret hotline to all your midlife sex questions.

Whatever it is, I am all ears.

So jump over to my website, tabutotruth.com, and let's keep the conversation going.

Now back to the show.

I actually heard Jane Fonda commenting that she was in a podcast with Julia Louis Dreyfus.

Jane hadn't been in a relationship in something like eight years.

She's 85 now, and we all know she looks unfucking believable.

And Julia said, do you ever think you'd have another man in your life?

And she said, oh, I couldn't have them.

I don't like my body enough.

Jane fucking Fonda doesn't like her body enough.

So it is really hard for us.

So there's the part of feeling liberated to speak.

There's a part of feeling liberated to say, love me for the way that I look, for my cellulite, for my belly, from my children, for my sagging arms, from my knees that hang and my boobs that go down to the floor.

Love me for me.

I love me for me.

And if that's not good enough for you, then I'm not for you, and you are not good enough for me.

So there's a lot of freedom that comes with the age and the wisdom and the feeling that the learning how to talk about things.

But there's also something that comes from really, truly getting deep and understanding that, yeah, some things hurt, and I don't want to be in those situations again.

And somehow, if I keep putting myself in those situations, there's something about me that I don't like enough that I'm willing to let someone in my life come in and hurt me again.

And I can't promise you that the first time you get vulnerable and let somebody in and start telling them what you want, that they won't walk away or that it won't be right for you, but I am cautioning you and just saying, don't jump or jump, but know that you could get hurt.

And then from each experience, and this is something I knew intellectually, and my wonderful life coach, Sarah Stiltonkranz, helped me, and my therapists have helped me, is know that with each experience, you learn and you grow and you do.

And with each hurt, if I tell you what I felt when that guy broke up with me last year, the sinking, just sitting on the beach, hiding under my hat, crying my eyes out all by myself, I couldn't function.

I lost five pounds.

I'd already lost five pounds, so I was down ten pounds, which I really couldn't afford to lose.

And I was just.

I was catatonic.

I couldn't do anything.

I couldn't work.

I just sat there on the beach.

It was super, super hard.

And I did not expect to be in that place ten years out of my marriage.

So know yourself.

Understand what your vulnerabilities are.

And if you're going to expose yourself, which I, by the way, did one.

More time after that, didn't hurt quite as badly.

But I'm still feeling that one because I went and I didn't really listen to the learnings I had from the first situation.

So it's great that you can get out there.

It's great that you can find someone to be intimate with.

It's great that you can learn how to talk about all the things that you want and to go crazy in bed, out of bed, in the restaurant, in the pool, wherever you want to do it.

Just make sure that you are at a place where you can handle it emotionally.

And if it does break down and you do sink and you do get sad because it happens and it's important to feel those emotions.

Get some support, but step back and learn from it.

Why did I get here?

Brought me here.

I thought I was ready.

And for me, I really thought I'd been through 20 years of therapy.

I divorced my husband.

I moved across the country.

I'd started two businesses.

And yet I still fell apart when this guy, who I didn't even think we had a future, breaks up with me and I go and sink and plunge.

Not just.

I plunged into a really bad depression.

I'm here to tell you that I learned and I grew and I discovered more and more about myself.

And I continued to do that.

But it all started with just starting to say, you know what?

This is my turn.

This is my time.

I'm okay.

And I'm going to ask for what I need, and I'm going to tell people what I need.

And I'm going to find people who deserve me and not be afraid to tell them what I need, what I don't need.

And that is a really big and important thing.

And it can't happen until you feel good about yourself and you may never feel 100%.

I think that's a really amazing person that can just be truly at peace with who they are in every way.

Just knowing, not letting someone else decide what you should do in bed, how you should do it in bed, making it about them.

You want it to be about you first, and then about both of you.

So think long and hard, but know that it is incredible to really feel good about yourself, to ask for what you want, to get your needs met, and to not have like, to not have regrets.

And to know that life is for living and enjoying and having pleasure.

Thanks for joining me on the taboo to Truth podcast where I'm spicing up midlife one episode at a time.

If you've been enjoying the sizzle, why not turn up the heat by giving me a scorching five star rating and leaving a steamy review?

It's the best way to help others discover pleasure in their sex life.

So don't be shy.

Show me some love and keep the midlife adventure alive.

And until next time, grab your favorite drink and put me on speaker.

It's time we broke the silence.