Hello, and welcome to the Borealis experience with

your host Aurora, life coach and companion on this beautiful

journey called life. I hope you're doing well, I hope you

feel comfortable in your skin to help you feel safe. And, yeah,

let's spend some time together and to reflect about some stuff

to liberate us from weird thought patterns and belief

systems, or for feeling just a little bit more relaxed, a

little bit more confident with who we are. I want to make a

little disclaimer here at the beginning that I'm not a

healthcare practitioner. I'm not a professional healer. I'm

sharing my podcast here through experiences that I've made in my

life and lessons I've learned. And this is just for

entertainment, and yeah, to spread some goodness in the

world. But please don't make any changes when it comes to

medication. And see your doctor ask for professional help. If

you're struggling intensely right now, I'm hoping to make

you feel good. And that's kind of my goal here, but I'm not a

healthcare practitioner. So today's episode is being

inspired by a dear friend from Munich, a lady that I went to

school with. And I'm very grateful for this. She recently

became a sponsor of the show or a dear supporter. And yeah, I

feel very, very honored and blessed that she is in my life

and that she's supporting my little project here. And if you

feel like you are getting a lot of value out of this or just a

little value, please find the link in the show notes and

support the show through an elder nation a subscription

writing a review or sharing with loved ones, it would mean the

world to me to be able to help more people during Yeah, weird

uncertain times. Alright, let's dive into today's episode. I

still don't know what the title is going to be. But I know the

content is gonna be about how much do you need to support your

friends emotionally and mentally and not only to your friends,

but let's say loved ones people around you that you care about?

How much do you need to take on? How much time do you have to

schedule in to? Yeah, be a little therapist of your friends

and family was the question. And the first thing that came to

mind and people who know me know this by now that I will never

pamper you and your victimhood. I will always draw the mirror or

draw the picture as I see it and hold the mirror in front of your

face. Because this is how I learned best in my past and also

present. And when it comes to supporting others being an

emotional crutch for others, I want to tell you right now

without beating around the bush, that it is not your job. It will

become your job. If you allow it or even more importantly, to say

if your ego or your whole being only fields worthy. When you can

be a support to others. When you feel that you are rescuing,

helping giving advice and that can sometimes come from the

heart you know as a genuine, empathetic person. But sometimes

even though it is very well meant it can be your ego your

mind that I strongly identifies with being a helper in other

people's lives, because maybe this is how you grew up as a

little toddler. I'm gonna give you a little example here, let's

pretend that Mia, a little girl grows up with her mom, single

mom, and they don't have contact to the dad. And the mom is maybe

struggling with a slight depression field slowly. But the

child has her everything as her rainbows, sunshine, her you

know, center of, of her life. So whenever little Mia senses that

her mom is in a weird or bad mood, she starts becoming the

clown, she starts entertaining the mom, she starts maybe baking

or singing or telling jokes, because she wants her mom to be

happy. So this little girl learns from an early age on that

she is responsible for her mom's emotions. And what does that do

to her little baby brain. Because it is a primary

caregiver. And it is happening in a stage in life where the

brain absorbs everything without filtering out, she assumes and

makes conclusions about love, that might not be serving her

and future adult life. So she assumes now that she is

responsible for her mom's well being and emotional well being

especially. And sometimes it feels like a job, sometimes it's

a little bit too much. But it gives her a strong sense of

belonging and makes her bond with her mom, because whenever

she makes her mom happy, mom is happy. And when the caregiver is

happy, you usually get your needs met. When the caregiver is

not happy, you usually struggle to feel heard. And understood.

So what this little girl learns is, she needs to be there for

her mom as a little crutch, but also as, as a feeling of being

loved and feeling seen. And she would take that into her adult

life, and feel loved, and a sense of belonging with her

friends with her partners. Whenever they need her. Of

course, they're gonna, you know, I don't want to say take

advantage because I don't want to paint the devil out there.

Like I want to make you aware that it is within you that you

can change this. Your friends and family will take your

support. Because this is what you offer. This is how you want

to love other people. So if there's nothing else you have to

offer, then of course, they will take that what does that to you?

Well, first of all, you might be attracted to people who need you

who need fixing and rescuing and that never goes down well.

Because once you fix them, they don't need you anymore in a

sense, or you feel unemployed in another sense. And with people

who are confident and independent you feel anxious and

scared because oh my god I don't know my purpose in their life.

Like why would they love me if they don't need my support and

love and me being a crutch. So in a sense you trying to make

people independent from you. Because this is what you've

learned is love. But it is not my dear one and I had to I had

to learn it the hard way just like everything. I learned

everything the hard way. And this is also why I love my poker

poker so much because I got the feedback that I can give people

shortcuts to not, you know, linger and weird situation for

too long and I wish I had these tools 10 years ago. I really do.

But it's okay. It's okay. It's not too late. So, I want you to

look at yourself and really reflect about what what is law

out to you isn't feeling needed?

I hope that winter is not strong now. Is it? Is it a need of

yours that you feel you need to be of support to others

otherwise, it's not a genuine friendship or relationship. This

wind is getting too strong. And to see it, like if you have a

friend and they have a friend, and you observe how they relate

to each other, like I, when I started making that observation,

I realized that there was people in my friend's life that was

there only for entertainment purposes, they wouldn't never

asked in depth questions, they would also not ask how my friend

is really doing, they would just go about their life and, you

know, spread their energy and be very entertaining. And I just

thought, huh, that's very interesting. So even if you're

not empathetic, if you don't carry around other people to

shit, you can be their friend. Wow. So that then made me

realize that me and my friends, we were constantly being each

other's therapists. Yeah, we would have fun on occasion. But

we would also use each other as emotional crutches. And this is

when I started going to therapy and finding a professional and

also hiring a mentor and a coach, and a yoga teacher. I

covered myself up with professionals, because I

realized that I'm first off overwhelming and burdening the

people around me with my struggles. And I'm not really

moving forward. Because, yeah, they give you great advice at

times, but sometimes also not so great advice. And once I

transitioned, like working on my stuff with professionals, I was

able to change my friendship dynamics, my relationship

dynamics. And that was, that was quite a change. Because at the

beginning, I felt like I'm unemployed, I can't be my

friend's therapist anymore. Well, that's great, because now

I have so much more energy. And as long as as what I was there

for support, they would also always rely on me. So as long as

you water your neighbor's garden, your neighbor is not

going to come up and you know, take the hose away from you that

your neighbor is going to enjoy that you water his garden, and

might even plant more plants for you to have more to water. But

as soon as you stop watering your neighbor's garden, he now

has to come up with his own schedule and time and energy to

provide for himself and the same goes emotionally, mentally, for

the people that you used to be a crutch for. They now realize,

holy shit, I gotta take care of my own life. Now, my friend is

not there anymore. She's, you know, enjoying her life and

wants to connect with me on a different level. How you, you

know, own up to my shit. Sorry for swearing so much. So, in a

sense, you enable people to use you as a crutch. If you strongly

identify as a rescuer, a helper, you know, an emotional support

person. But watch out how much you extend yourself because you

are giving energy away. And people would be better off if

they came up with their own energy to help themselves. So to

set graceful boundaries. And for next time when when a friend or

a family member comes to you and wants to unload everything on

you. You can start saying no in a kind way. You can start saying

you know what, I'm, I'm struggling like with my own

stuff right now. And it's really hard for me to give you advice

because I'm not in your relationship. I'm not in your

situation. I don't have all the insights and then when they try

to give you more insights. You then just say, No, I feel this

is too much right now. my nervous system cannot handle all

this information. And by saying these sentences, and you would

think, Oh, it's just words, but you feel so relieved and

empowered. And the other person might feel a little bit awkward

at the start. But they will also realize, okay, well, then I have

to find somebody else or I actually have to reach out to a

professional. So the whole dynamic, sorry, dynamic of the

this relationship will change. As soon as you set these kind

boundaries. But the first thing that has to happen is your

awareness is who are you? And what did you strongly identify

with? And this is what my coaching is all about. And this

podcast is all about is, who are you? Are you your thoughts? Are

you your feelings? Are you your past experiences? Are you with a

belief systems that you mindlessly copy and pasted from

your family and your, like society and culture that you

grew up in? Who are you? What makes you you? And how do you

choose to show up for yourself in the future? And for the

people that you love and for society? And what fields most

authentic? How can you reclaim that power that you had given

away, and now you blaming others around you, because they only

treat you as well as you treat yourself as cliche as this

sounds. But if you don't have boundaries with yourself, if you

cannot say no, if you don't have the discipline it takes to enjoy

freedom of time and freedom to be yourself, then people are not

going to do this for you know, even worse, it is going to feel

as if they take advantage of you, but they're not. They're

just treating you how you treat yourself. And you need to learn

and to find out who you truly are, in order to give people

kind of a roadmap directions to how you want to be treated and

talk to, and how you want to socialize, and how you want to

relate to the people that want to be in contact with you. And

this is the most beautiful journey to be on I am on it. And

it's it's enjoyable every day. And I help other people to walk

that path. And it is so exhilarating to all of a sudden

see people reaching a point where they feel oh my god, this

is me. This was me all along, but I didn't allow it. I didn't

want to see this because it creates discomfort and change at

the beginning and that's never fun. It's you know, it's it's

weird at times, but you will feel your sense of self more and

more and isn't that worth it? All right. I'm gonna leave you

with that. Also, if you live in Canada in Alberta and BC, I

highly encourage you visiting the yard to be part of the year

and experience member and to have a place where you can just

relax and be and you can share if you want to share or you can

just sit by the fire and do a little bit of gentle movements

and release tension and find a place where your mind can just

wander and curiosity and not worry and where you can make

sense of yourself and connect with people who are on a very

similar journey that's my my latest thing is to bring people

together who are on a similar path and to have them connect

and it's just yeah, very beautiful to be a space holder

like that. I'm gonna leave you with that was so much love and

care and if there is request for future podcast episodes, never

hold back. If you're curious about coaching and starting a

journey with me, it can be over zoom or in person reach out and

ask me all the questions that you have. And if you want to

stop by the year here in southern Alberta beaver minds

please stop by shoot me a message and We'll make time to

to get a little visit in alright take really good care of