[00:00:00] Rochelle Stokes: What are you afraid of losing by changing? The key three for me were people, how people look at you and time. So the first one is the people. Okay? We're afraid that when we change the people around us, they're gonna react poorly, they're gonna do this, that what have you.

[00:00:19] Again, we make the story in our head of what's gonna happen. So, how I would answer that is, okay, if people are not gonna accept, you wanna change to better yourself, those people need to be lost. They need to go. And that's, you know, friends, family, that's the television programs that are telling you that you aren't this, that what have you.

[00:00:40] It's the radio shows that are encouraging you to think that you are nothing. Whatever it is, lose it. Cause what you're feeding your mind is gonna be a huge factor in you moving forward. So lose the people, lose the negative emotions, loose negative voices, get rid of them. The second one is how people think about you.

[00:00:59] So people are gonna think about you based on how you present yourself to the world. When you make your change and you step into your greatness, people are gonna go respond in light. They're gonna respond to your greatness. And again, if they're gonna support you, they'll be there for you. If they're not lose them, they don't need to be around you.

[00:01:17] And then, lastly, it's time. So again, it's, oh, you know it's gonna take me time to change cuz it's work. This isn't easy to take the time to look internally. Invest in yourself. It takes time.

[00:01:29] Christy Rutherford: Welcome to Why She's Winning with your host, Christy Rutherford, a master of office politics and self care advocacy. Christy's clients have received over 10 million in salary raises in a pandemic.

[00:01:42] Surprised that women are still getting paid during these challenging times. It's possible for you too. You can have it all, if you believe you deserve it. Christy and her guests will assist you with that. Let's get started.

[00:01:56] Hello. Hello. Welcome everyone. Oh, you look cute, Rochelle. I just looked at you cuz you know I've been rushing in the background. How fine you are.

[00:02:06] Rochelle Stokes: Thank you.

[00:02:08] Christy Rutherford: Okay. So welcome everyone to Why She's Winning. I am your host, Christy Rutherford, and today I have the phenomenal, the amazing, brilliant, gorgeous, talented, paid, Rochelle Stokes. So, lemme tell y'all a little bit about Rochelle. Currently, Rochelle is the compliance strategic Portfolio Program manager for Deutsche Bank. Did I get that right?

[00:02:32] Rochelle Stokes: You did, Yes.

[00:02:35] Christy Rutherford: That's within the past two months we did that. Before that she was the governance risk and compliance Senior program manager for Qontigo. And then she also worked at JP Morgan Chase and Bankers liability and casualty. She has her MBA from American Intercontinental University.

[00:02:56] She has her bachelor's in chemistry from Kings College in London. She has her PMP, MBA, OPP. Welcome, Rochelle.

[00:03:09] Rochelle Stokes: Thank you so much for that introduction. Thank you, Christy. I hope everyone's having a wonderful Friday.

[00:03:15] Christy Rutherford: Yes, it's Friday. So, Rochelle, let's talk about it. So what was going on? I forgetting how I am are y'all looking at me right now?

[00:03:26] Cuz It's, have you seen me, Rochelle? It's a glorious day. You know, I got my hair straight . Anyway, so Rochelle, so what was going on with you when you were like, I need to change something, I need to be different. What was going on?

[00:03:43] Rochelle Stokes: Whew. So, I'm gonna go back to 2020. As we know, that was like the first year of the pandemic. Everyone's, I was, you know, fortunate enough to be one of the people that was, still had a job and was working remotely and during that year, you know, working hard, putting in the work and everything. And it just occurred to me that I felt like I was kind of like in this loop with my career where I wasn't going backwards, but I wasn't necessarily moving forward either.

[00:04:10] And I was like, I need to fix this. I need to do something about this. And I saw your content on LinkedIn, Christy, and all of it resonated with me. I was like, she knows what I'm going through, this is what I'm talking about. So I reached out to you in January of 2021 and I'm like, I need to talk to Christy Rutherford.

[00:04:29] So reached out to you and I actually got to talk to you directly, which was great. And it was interesting cause you're in that conversation. There were some of the questions you had asked me that I hadn't really been thinking about cuz I was coming to you cuz I wanna advance my career. And you're like, that's great, Rochelle, what about the rest of your life?

[00:04:47] And I'm like, yeah, you're right. But you know, I wanna get to the next level of my career, let's go. So you said, okay, cool, we'll do that. You know, I wasn't ready to move forward at that time, and you said, you know, whenever you're ready, let me know. I kept in contact with you and I attended some of your weekend sessions and I signed up for one.

[00:05:09] Then fast forward to the end of April, May of last year, and a whole lot of things had shifted both in my professional life. In my personal life, things were not going well, and I knew that yes, this is the time that I need to do something about it because I was not going anywhere good any time fast. So it was like, I need to make the change.

[00:05:36] I think you're on mute.

[00:05:37] Christy Rutherford: Yeah. Who in your house is washing dishes? Tell them the dishes can be washed at one o'clock. Is it lunch time in your house? I ain't playing, we can hear it. Who in your kitchen? Can you hear me?

[00:05:56] Rochelle Stokes: Yes.

[00:05:57] Christy Rutherford: You're so funny you said, I'm not even gonna answer that. All right, so we all move on. That was awkward.

[00:06:12] Hey, let me tell y'all something, let me tell y'all how wives do, wives be like, I ain't saying nothing, I got piece of our house. Move on to the next question. I mean, if I had the courtroom on the line right now with the women, I'd be like this. How many people just saw that?

[00:06:28] And all the women would be like I did. I love it though. So, Rochelle, what did, when you called me back, cause we talked and I remember walking that day, we talked somewhere in the woods and it was cold, right? And I was like, all right, girl, holler at me. And then you called me back. So what was your state of mind when you said I really need to change and are you willing to share? What did I say to you when we were on the phone?

[00:06:58] Rochelle Stokes: So let me see if I can remember. So, what was my state of mind? I was not in a good state of mind. So as I mentioned, there was a lot of different things that were happening in professional personal life. They were all clashing together all at the same time, very overwhelmed, not in a good state of mind.

[00:07:14] I had turned from this woman who had never experienced an anxiety attack to someone who experienced two in the space of three weeks. Simple things were really getting to me. I mean, I remember receiving an email from work. It wasn't a critical email, it was just a matter fact factual email it.

[00:07:32] I was in such a state that I had to lock my computer, go to my closet and stop for like 10 minutes because I was just in anguish and I had no idea what was going on. And I remember that day very clearly cause I did go off for a walk and I spoke with Christy, I spoke with my husband. I was like, I'm gonna do something about it and I think I know who I'm gonna work with to get through it.

[00:07:58] He was super supportive. He said, Rochelle, take care of you. You know, I want you to be happy. Do you so that then I believe on the phone, when I was with Christy, I had told her that, you know, I'd signed up for her weekend thing and she was like, nope, forget that girl. You're gonna come to my workshop next week.

[00:08:15] I'm gonna send you all the paperwork. We're gonna do whatever we need to do to get you in this. But you are coming and you're gonna work with me and the coaches next week. I will not take no for an answer.

[00:08:25] Christy Rutherford: You know what's interesting when you say that, right? BecA lot of times people are, they like to hard clothes people. There's a difference in, in me saying, Oh no, you gonna work with me because you melting and you don't have long Yeah. If you mess around and sleep on a banana peel, it's over. So there's a difference between, I don't hard clothes, I don't have to, but if you are in code red, oh, I'm gonna call you out on it and be like, Oh no, we gonna do something today because you can't continue on like, Yeah.

[00:09:03] And, and, and here's the thing about being stressed out. Sometimes the people around you that love you don't know what to do. They don't know how to assist you. And women are continuously being the superwoman, right? And melting while people are like, I really don't know what to say to her. I don't know what to do.

[00:09:23] And then when I get on the phone, I be like, oh no, I ain't no way I can get off this phone and let you, but here's the thing, Rochelle, a lot of women do get off the phone and then melt and then, things pop off. So I can't save everybody. So I'm glad you said yes.

[00:09:38] Rochelle Stokes: Me too.

[00:09:39] Christy Rutherford: Yeah. What was the, I would say the one thing that relieved some of the pressure that you were going through, because I always say, you know, an anxiety attack, I used to have them, is really based on a decision that you're unwilling to make. And we don't have to get into all your business, but what was like one or two things that you did to like hit that button and release some of that steam that some of the women can do today?

[00:10:03] Rochelle Stokes: So one thing that really helped me, and I mean it started with the when I started in the program was interesting cuz during the first call with the other amazing ladies and the coaches and Christy, you know, there was a lot of, you know, questions going around and initially, I thought, I think I'm in the wrong place cuz all these women are put together, all these women, like, they're excellent in their prospective businesses.

[00:10:29] They have their own businesses, they're doing amazing, I'm in the wrong place. But then as I was listening to what was being asked and their answers, even though we had separate and very different experiences, everyone was kind of trending around the same type of thing and going through similar things, not the same, but similar things that I could relate to, and it was during that first session.

[00:10:50] And also doing the pre-work before it, that I recognized that I had a lot of negative emotions going on. One of them in particular that was, you know, I had got into this vicious cycle of resentment, guilt, anger, and it was just a cycle that I recognized, I was able to identify.

[00:11:11] I just didn't know how to get out of it. And so, working with you and the coaches, you know, being able to pinpoint that and then figuring out the steps and actions that I needed to take to get out of that cycle.

[00:11:26] Christy Rutherford: So what were some of the common things right? Like, because a lot of women wanna do one on one with me. I don't do one on one, I'm over it. I like people though, but the group is so effective and I always say like, we think we suffer so much alone. Even the grandmother, Abuela in Encanto. Did you watch Encanto? Did you see the movie? It's so good. You gotta watch it. It's on Disney Plus. It's amazing. She was suffering by herself.

[00:11:55] Does that make sense? So a lot of us suffer and we self-destruct in our heads because we think we by ourselves. But once you get around a group of women and you'll be like, oh my God, I'm not by myself. Right. Like, what was some of the commonalities that you found in that group of high achieving, high power women, and there's no more than seven women in a group. We talk to a hundred people. We got time for that.

[00:12:20] Rochelle Stokes: So some of the commonalities again, it's, you know, wanting to, you know, we're all givers, so wanting to give our best to everyone all the time. That's a big one. Also it's the, you know, I know I can be doing better and no one can see why I'm not doing better and like people should be able to see that I can do so much more.

[00:12:40] And I'm trying to think of another one. And also too, it's, yeah. I think that wanting recognition from other people and people not seeing your value, that was something else that came up a lot too.

[00:12:57] Christy Rutherford: I did a radio show in The Bahamas yesterday, and the teachers were like, teachers are suffering. And then the hotel people were like, well, the hotel people are suffering more than the teachers. And I'm like, don't compare your suffering, everybody's going through something. And then you were like, well, single people, y'all are going through nothing. Single people were going through something in the pandemic, like, I'm lonely, I'm in the house by myself.

[00:13:20] And then the married people were like, I gotta look at my spouse. And then the moms with who were married with the kids were like, oh my God, these kids are at home. And then you had your parents with you as well. I would say, what's the difference between how you showed up with them before, and then you gotta add the work on top of that and you basically taking care of yourself to some of the things that you could do to be able to manage all the dynamics between mom, daughter, and wife.

[00:13:51] Rochelle Stokes: So it was, I mean, for me, I really recognized through the program that I had basically zero boundaries. I hadn't set any boundaries in my personal life. I hadn't set any boundaries in my professional life working from home during the pandemic. Everything kind of merges together. And when you don't have those boundaries, of course it gets overwhelming very quickly. And, you know, being high achieving women, we wanna be there for everyone to do our best all the time.

[00:14:23] And oftentimes though it's in spite of ourselves, it's not managing what we are dealing with and how we are taking care of ourselves.

[00:14:35] Christy Rutherford: So, what does that mean? With regards to setting boundaries, right? Because we say it all the time and to women who are melting, it sounds easy, but give us an example of, you know, a boundary that you set that was actually you know, one when you started to set the boundary, how there's fear in that?

[00:15:00] Because you think there's going to be rejection and then, was it accepted or was it rejected? You know, give us like, you know, a specific, It doesn't have to be like a specific example, but you know, something around when you started to set boundaries, what happened after that?

[00:15:16] Rochelle Stokes: Well, for the most part it was accepted. I do recall there were instances where it was almost, I guess, surprising because I hadn't been doing it before. So when I was starting to set the boundaries or I was starting to call out certain things or behavior, it was kind of like, oh, okay, we're doing that now type thing.

[00:15:41] But, again, it wasn't as devastating and it wasn't as horrific as I had thought it would be in my mind when I actually did it. You know, more or less people were kind of like, okay, that's fine. It was a matter too of, you know, saying no more and that being a full sentence. And also too is times as well where when I felt like I was getting to a point where it was just too much.

[00:16:12] Stepping away and just, you know, being like, you know what, I need a few minutes. I just need to be by myself. I just need some time. And then regroup and be able to get back and get back into the swing of things.

[00:16:27] Christy Rutherford: So let's talk about the power of disengagement and stepping away cuz you landed something with that. For a woman who high achieving, cuz it was just having this conversation last night with some of the women. Sometimes you create conflict, right? If everybody in the house says stressed out, everybody's going through something, right? So it's chaos on chaos. And chaos is doing this.

[00:16:51] It only takes one person in the house to become harmonious and then everybody else will respond. And typically that's the mama.

[00:16:59] Rochelle Stokes: Mm. Yeah.

[00:17:00] Christy Rutherford: You know, and he can always say, well mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. So the disengagement, was that something, cuz that's an active response. Does that make sense? So, who was that disengagement with?

[00:17:16] Was it with everybody? And then what was the difference in the scenario that would've happened had you not disengaged with regards to when you did choose to disengage?

[00:17:28] Rochelle Stokes: The scenario of if I wouldn't have disengaged, would've been basically just me stewing in my own negativity, my own thoughts.

[00:17:39] Like, again, like I mentioned earlier, this, the resentment. Like people should know that I need some time. Like people should read my mind like, I need this time right now. Like, why do people not see this? Being active with it and you know, and communicating that with people cuz they can't read your mind.

[00:17:58] It's, you know, it gave me that peace, that harmony where it was like, you know what? I need space. Sometimes it was five minutes, sometimes it may have been a bit longer. Sometimes it was like, I need to take a nap like now. Or I'm just like, it's just not gonna look pretty. So, and again, people were okay with. Which initially was surprising, but now it's the norm. So...

[00:18:23] Christy Rutherford: I remember, you know, being at work, stressed out. And the guys would bring something, they would wait for me at like seven o'clock in the morning when I walked in the door would be waiting to like, give bad news. I'd be like, oh God, I haven't even had my coffee yet, just give time to get to my desk.

[00:18:44] Hell has met me when I open the door to the office. Does that make sense? And so, in the middle of the day, they would bring something and then we have this emotional reaction to it. And once I was like, you know what, Christy, you gotta get it together. So okay, I would, you know, initially wanna like, respond.

[00:19:02] I say, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go in my office and I'm gonna breathe for five minutes. And they would be like this, okay? I would go in the office, I put my earbud in and the, you know, I would listen to the guided in meditation, the lady says, come back into your body, feel your fingers and toes, in our fight or flight response, we're not in our bodies, we're on somebody else's forehead.

[00:19:27] You know what I'm saying? And it doesn't matter if you're at work, if you're at home, like we're reacting and we're not responding. And so it is a conscious decision to stop. And until it becomes a natural habit. Cuz our habit is response and then it all goes sideways and then we beat ourselves up at night because we should have handled it better.

[00:19:48] But in the heat of the moment, you know I'll come back out and I'll be like this. Okay, so what's the, now I can properly receive the problem and offer the response that they need because that's what they desire from a leader. You know, this is what your family desires as the mom or the wife or the daughter.

[00:20:11] So it is an active thing it's not one day God is gonna come down and he's gonna give me the patience to be able to manage my life. It's like, no, you have to stop and say, cause we all want patience, Rochelle. I don't even ask for it no more because then you get tested be like, we just gonna make it do what to do.

[00:20:29] But it is an active, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go take a nap. And then people are like, cause once they see the break and the energy and you're actually okay, then they give it to you. They be like this, do you need a nap or something? Do you need to walk away and breathe, mom because you know, you're not here.

[00:20:45] So have you noticed that they've actually requested that of you? If you get spun up in the moment and you're not able to calm down?

[00:20:54] Rochelle Stokes: So a yes, actually I have and I've noticed that actually with my son. He has, you know, he'll say a comment like, Mom, you're not being very patient right now. So it's like, okay, I need to pause and take a step back and leave this alone, cuz I don't need to be disciplining you out of anger.

[00:21:15] So, okay, let me let, we'll come back to this. We're gonna come back to this, but, okay, I get it. .

[00:21:22] Christy Rutherford: Well, that's interesting, right? Because if we use, and Monique talks about this all the time, right? Like if your family's reaction is based on what your reaction is, and then once they see that there is something different, then they'll offer a softball.

[00:21:39] Hoping that your mind would pick up on it and you'll be like, hmm. As opposed to being like, what do you mean I'm not being patient? You know, it's like, you know what I'm gonna do? You're right. I'm gonna go for a walk, or I'm going to go take a nap. So what was, what's been most surprising to you?

[00:21:59] And we're talking about home, right? Because you know, work is work, work is gonna be work. I love it. What's most surprising to you about yourself today versus who you were before you started doing the work?

[00:22:14] Rochelle Stokes: So there are a couple of things, but one thing that has helped me tremendously is, and I kind of learnt this through the program, is about the narrative we tell us in our own heads.

[00:22:29] And for me, I had this narrative before going into the program. Like, I have to be the best I can be for everybody at all times, like without exception. And talking about it and saying out loud now it's like, that's not realistic. But before that was kind of the level I was at.

[00:22:48] And it's interesting because as I was going through the program and I started to accept that. When you know, you can hear from people and when they taught you in their language what their narrative is, and it's not necessarily, you know, the same or what you think it is, they have their own narrative. And regardless of what you say or do, it's not gonna change someone's narrative.

[00:23:12] The only control I have is the narrative that I have in my own mind, and accepting that someone can have a narrative and it may not be a realistic narrative. But the fact that they have that narrative, I'm okay with that because I have no control over it. I'm still gonna be the person I am.

[00:23:31] I'm still gonna give, I'm still gonna love as I am, but I'm not going to attempt to live up to someone else's narrative. I can only live up to my own cuz I have control over that.

[00:23:46] Christy Rutherford: Woo. She dropped the nugget. I was trying to write it down, but I couldn't talk it right at the same time. So here's the thing, once we are manipulated, consciously and unconsciously based on the thoughts and expectations of other people, because we haven't truly owned who we are, because we're so busy trying to make everybody else happy while you're miserable, would you say? Resentful, guilty and then angry.

[00:24:21] And sometimes the people that you care about do it because they think it's for your own good, but you know, it's for your own good. But we've surrendered how we feel in order to make other people feel good about us, and then we feel like crap, which is a cycle. And then once you say, you said, I have to be the best for everyone at all times.

[00:24:45] Once you start being the best for yourself at all times, then when people say, I think you should like this. You're like, no, I don't. How confidence she is. Like, once you know who you are, you know what you don't like, but a problem is we don't know what we like, because what we like as women who are conditioned to be people pleasers, what we like is based on whether or not you like that I like it. Does that make sense?

[00:25:20] If you like it, then I'll like it because I want you to be happy while I'm miserable. And then once you get clear on who you are, it is like, I like it. I really don't care how you feel about it. Does that make sense? I mean, I kind of care, but not that much. What are your thoughts on the imposter syndrome?

[00:25:45] Rochelle Stokes: So, this is an interesting one for me cuz this is something I've actually personally experience many, many years ago. And I saw a definition of it and it was exactly who I was. That many years agop, it's basically, it's disproportionately affects high achieving people who don't accept their achievements and don't think they're deserving of their accolades.

[00:26:08] And again, it comes back to, as you just said it, where when you accept who you are and you do the work, you're inner a way of understanding the greatness within you and how amazing you are. The imposter syndrome doesn't exist anymore. Because it's all to do with how someone is thinking about themselves.

[00:26:31] And so for me, again, it comes down to how you personally are viewing yourself, which will allow that thought that you aren't deserving or you don't belong to creep in.

[00:26:47] Christy Rutherford: I mean, look at how scholarly you are with your Million Degrees. Cause I've never really researched the imposter syndrome, right. Cause I don't believe in it. I think it's whack and I think that corporate has a language of limitations that people be writing these articles to be fancy and it's annoying, but I read them.

[00:27:03] So, because this is the thing, right. You said something completely different in how women are overusing it in this moment, you said, is when people don't accept their achievements and they don't think that they deserve their accolades.

[00:27:16] I see women all the time who be like, I have the imposter syndrome, which means that they claim to be a piece of ish, and I'm like, you know you should be triple your salary right now. They're like, no, it's imposter syndrome. I'm a nobody. So people are misusing it. But if they would research it like the great Rochelle, they would know better.

[00:27:38] So what advice do you have for women? Because everybody's going through something. Does that make sense? Everybody, and a lot of women haven't changed their circumstance. Like I talk to women all the time who are melting and they won't do anything about it, and they're afraid to change Rochelle. And I'm like, I talked to lady the other day and I was like, you know, you can double your salary.

[00:28:06] She was crazy. The standard, that's why I track women and crazy is all relative. But when I say crazy, crazy as in you've run through so many walls that you can't be normal if you've broken that many glass ceilings and run through that many walls in the pursuit of success. So let's just back that up a little bit.

[00:28:22] And when I told her that she could double her salary, she didn't believe it for herself. And I said, So you don't believe that I'm a piece of ish. You believe that you a piece of ish? And she was like, yeah. And she wouldn't change it though, which is insane to me. So what advice do you have for women who are melting?

[00:28:43] I think, they're doing it secretly because you're melting in front of people that you care about and and they're afraid to change or they don't believe that it's possible for them to change.

[00:28:57] Rochelle Stokes: So, this one's a tough one. And again, I've experienced fear of changing, so this answer is coming outta place and love and experience, everyone. Okay, so what would I say to a person who said they were afraid of change? The first thing I would ask them is, what are you afraid of losing by changing? And there are multiple things that I, myself had thought I would lose by changing. The, the key three for me were people, how people look at you and time.

[00:29:32] So the first one is the people. Okay? We're afraid that when we change the people around us, they're going to, you know, they're gonna react poorly, they're gonna do this, that, what have you. Again, we make the story up in our head of what's gonna happen. So, how I would answer that is, okay, if people are not gonna accept, you wanna change to better yourself, those people need to be lost.

[00:29:53] They need to go, and that's, you know, friends, family, that's the television programs that are telling you that you aren't this, that, what have you. It's the radio shows that are encouraging you to think that you are nothing. Whatever it is, lose it, because what you're feeding your mind is gonna be a huge factor in you moving forward.

[00:30:13] So lose the people, lose the negative emotions, lose the negative voices, get rid of them. The second one is how people think about you. So, People are gonna think about you based on how you present yourself to the world. When you make your change and you step into your greatness, people are gonna go respond in light.

[00:30:30] They're gonna respond to your greatness. And again, if they're gonna support you, they'll be there for you. If they're not lose them, they don't need to be around you. And then lastly, it's time. So again, it's, oh, you know, it's gonna take me time to change cuz it's work. This isn't easy to take the time to look internally, invest in yourself.

[00:30:48] It takes time, but the time is gonna go regardless of whether you do something or not. So you may as well do something that betters yourself and take that same time. And you know, as I can attest to 10 months later, be in a position where I'm happy, I'm calm, I'm peaceful. I had a good relationship with my family.

[00:31:08] I feel it's even better now, that 10 months would've gone either way if I decided to work with you and your team or not.

[00:31:17] Christy Rutherford: Yeah, I was just getting ready to ask like, did you believe, because I remember when I was in my melting point and, even for years. You know, falling at the bottom of the ocean, drowning and get back up and blow dry my hair and get into it.

[00:31:31] But did you believe that this level of peace was possible? You know, ever after, you know, not from where you are now, but back in the day when I was like, you know, Rochelle, you know, you need to come over here so we can get your peace back. Did you believe that this Rochelle, right now, It was possible as an adult that you could have this amount of peace.

[00:31:57] Rochelle Stokes: I didn't think so, cuz again, I wasn't aware that it existed. It was because again, it's, yeah, I mean, you hear people say they're calm and peaceful. You're like, yeah, I guess I am too. But honestly, I wasn't aware that this could be accomplished and I'm so glad that now I'm actually able to live it and feel it and it's great.

[00:32:21] Christy Rutherford: What's what's funny? Thanks Katina. What's funny is I remember I used to look at yogis, right? And I used to be like, ugh. Cause they walk around like they're floating in peace. And people who are women who are, I ain't gonna say everybody, let's just say I did not like people who had supreme peace.

[00:32:44] I used be like this, who walk around that peaceful, but I wanted it secretly. Does that make sense? Or if I see people who happy be like this, well, she happy, and I know people do it to me. Why she so happy she ain't going through nothing. You know? Women who have peace. Women who are happy for no reason. Oh, don't even get me started at the people who would be at Barnes and Noble reading books on the weekend.

[00:33:09] Who has time to be sitting at Barnes and Noble? This is back in the day, right? On a Tuesday, drinking coffee in peace. When I'm chained to desk at work, working 80 hours a week, I'm stressed out. I'm crazy. I'm, you know, so people who actually had a quality of life, I resent it because I didn't think that it was possible for me.

[00:33:31] How insane is that? That's a decision that we don't think that we're so locked into our misery that we can't get out. And you jumped out, you know, 10 months. Actually I think it was probably four or five months. We're five months past that point of peace. So, Alright, last question.

[00:33:53] I gotta make it good. Whew. What is one or two things, give me two, that women can do today to have peace? Cause you have peace. Give me two. What are two things that women can do today To have peace?

[00:34:20] Rochelle Stokes: To have peace. Hmm. So I think, one of the first things is to admit that you are not at peace. So taking the time to kind of just sit down and, I mean, it's fine just be still and kind of recognize where you are right now, because again, I didn't make moves and wanna work with Christy until I recognized that something needs to happen, something needs to change.

[00:34:49] And thankfully I wasn't at desperation, but I was at a place where I knew it was gonna get bad if I didn't do something. So taking the time to recognize where you are right now, and then another thing that I do that's really helped with the peace is something anyone can do. It's taking time to be yourself and meditate.

[00:35:11] I do a lot of meditation. Try to do meditation at least three times a week. It doesn't have to be long meditations. It could be 10 minutes, it could be five minutes. I know when I first started the program, I used to do like five minute meditations before I went to work. It just simple things and it's amazing how it just eases your mind.

[00:35:31] It brings you back, as Christy mentioned earlier, it brings you back into your own body cuz it's amazing how much we're living life kind of outside of ourselves. So bringing yourself back into your body, you can really live in your moment and really start living life.

[00:35:49] Christy Rutherford: So let's, I got one more question. One more, one more. You're like this, I'm good this is to be done. Okay. So talk about meditation, right? Because I asked somebody last night on a call, you know, we could tell whether or not people are meditating, like you can tell the difference in how you're showing up. So you know, if you're in a program four or five weeks and you still acting a little cray, I'd be like this, I know you ain't meditating and it's not, I know you're not meditating.

[00:36:27] I can speak correct English. I know you ain't meditating. You can't tell me that you are because the tension in your energy is so tight you're about to snap. So meditation is free. But we think, like, you know in the Coast Guard, I remember I went to yoga. Like by the time I admitted to myself that I was in trouble, I was almost 90% in the ground, like by the time we realized we're in trouble because high achievement women have a high pain tolerance.

[00:37:01] And we're everybody's superhero, so we can't really be going through anything. Like you can't really be going because work needs you, life needs you, your family needs you. So by the time we recognizing ourself, I'm in trouble. We are already 90% done by the time we admit it to somebody else you're 95% in the ground.

[00:37:22] And I remember trying to like, and at that point I'm like trying to grab onto the ladder, but it was oil in the ladder. And I'm like, okay, I'm gonna do now I'm gonna meditate. And I went to a yoga studio and they lit a hundred incense, not a hundred, but I hundred incense.

[00:37:42] I was like, Oh my God. And even though I was meditating not to respond. I wasn't meditating before it popped off. I only meditated when it popped off. Right. So I like when you said before work because now you're setting yourself up to be able to receive what's going to happen because there's always going to be something that's going to happen.

[00:38:07] So, what does meditation mean to you? Like, what does that look like? Cause I want people to know it is not, you don't have to hit a gong and you're not worshiping Buddha and you ain't, you know, calling own spirits from whatever. You're not calling on the border people or the land.

[00:38:27] People it's like, what does it look like? Because I had someone who was concerned and they were like, that's against my religious preference. I'm like, what? Going inside is against your religion? Go ahead.

[00:38:44] Rochelle Stokes: So, I mean, what I found, I mean, again, the meditations I do before work, it's like they're on YouTube. They're literally five minutes long and it's just a case of a lot of the times it's just encouraging you to focus in on your breath. Because agai, It's interesting, when you focus in on your breath, the calm and the peace that comes over you is incredible and it's just, you know. If you are gonna have a good day, there is peace.

[00:39:12] This is your moment of peace. Just embrace this time. And again, it doesn't have to be, you don't have to prepare our entire room. I literally sit in front of my computer, put my headphones on, put YouTube on for a five minute meditation, and by the time I'm over I'm like, yes, I'm ready for this day, let's go.

[00:39:34] Christy Rutherford: So, what are the people saying to you on the guided meditation? Cause I like the guided when people be like, oh, I can't sit there cause my mind is racing. It's going like this, but you need somebody talking to you. Do you remember what they're saying to you?

[00:39:49] Rochelle Stokes: So the ones on YouTube, they're usually, it's, you know, they're kind of like affirmation. It's like, you know, focus on the breath, on the inhale, the exhale, look at the, you know, you notice the pores in the breath. Your positivity it's growing just that little bit more. And then again, I have also like the car map where, you know, you got the 10 minute guided meditation, and I do those in the evening.

[00:40:15] And again, it's just focusing on the breath, and, you know, like with that, I'm not trying to advertise anything. But what I enjoy with those is that, you know, it's kind of like if your mind is wondering that's okay, pay attention. You know, notice that it's wondering, just bring your attention back to the breath.

[00:40:32] It's fine. You know, don't beat yourself up, it's fine. You know, the mind is very active. It will wonder. So bring it right back to the breath. Breathe in, breathe ou, and it's, it's very enjoyable. .

[00:40:46] Christy Rutherford: Yeah. That's good. All right, ma'am. Well thank you so much for showing up everyone. I am doing live next week.

[00:40:53] In total fulfillment with Christy my exclusive private online community where you get on demand access to my videos and my interviews and stuff that I've had in the vault for years. But I'm doing how to calculate your value in the market, right? Like so many women are working so far beneath their value. It's insane.

[00:41:14] I think that women can double their salary. All women should double their salary this year. That should be the goal. Like some women be like, I make 130, and I'll be like, all right, well, how much do you wanna make? I'm ask for a big raise. Okay, how much? 150. What? You already know, what? You asked for that's not that big.

[00:41:34] But anyway, so you can join us at tfwchristy.com. Rochelle, thank you so much for showing up and sharing your insight.

[00:41:42] Rochelle Stokes: Thank you.

[00:41:42] Christy Rutherford: With the listeners and the viewers. Don't hang up, but thank you so much, ladies for joining. Ladies and gentlemen, if y'all miss any part of this, catch the replay. Have a great weekend.

[00:41:53] Thank you for joining us. Be sure to subscribe to this podcast and leave us a review if you love this episode, follow Christy on Instagram and LinkedIn, and don't forget to get her free gift by texting "changenow" all one word. Again, "changenow" to 6 6 8 6 6. Until next time, go out and win bigger.