Nicole 0:00

Episode 1: An Uncommon Perspective

I want to start off this whole show/podcast talking about my uncommon perspectives and how I got to this place of gratitude and healing. In the hopes to help you go in the same direction. Warning though - I will be talking about abuse & suicide in this episode.

A brief, very summarized background on my 1st marriage. I met my 1st husband Chris in 1999. We moved in together in 2000. Had our first daughter in 2002, got married in 2003 and had our second daughter in 2005. The signs of alcoholism, narcissism, & abuse were there from the get go. But I didn’t know them or see them. For 17 years we continued the narcissistic abuse/gaslighting cycle.

For those that don’t know the cycle this is how it goes:

First comes Love Bombing - excessive flattery, gifts, attention to create an emotional dependence and to win trust & establish control

Second comes Devaluation - this is subtle criticism, emotional manipulation, and gaslighting. This is where your self worth begins to diminish.

Third comes Discard - they’re done with you, they withdraw emotionally or threaten to end the relationship.

Fourth come Hoovering - Re-Idealization or Re-engagement phase - they attempt to win you back with promises of change, thus starting the cycle over again. With Love bombing.

Now, if the cycle only happened once that would have been pretty manageable & easy enough to work through. However, this cycle happens over and over and over and over again. Little by little your self-worth disappears and you loose who you are.

Each time for me, it got worse & worse. Towards the end, the final manipulation tactic was threading suicide. All the FUCKING time. I do not exaggerate when I say he would threaten to commit suicide anywhere from 3-5 times a WEEK! This shit went on for 4 years. There were many nights I would pray that he would just stop talking about it & do it. The mental & emotional trauma/torture was immeasurable.

I know a lot of people ask, “Why didn’t you just leave?”. Ahhh, the million dollar question! Because it’s just not that fucking simple. See narcissists also like control and they are very jealous. So we had moved like 8 times at this point. Each time further & further away from any family. In the end, we were living in the desert in SW Texas near the Mexico border. I don’t think I could have been further away from any family than that. We worked from home & ran our own businesses and homeschooled our girls at this point. We did the tiny house living & lived off-grid for 3 years while down there. I couldn’t leave. Between the threats of what would happen if I left and the fact that I was 15 hours away from any family pretty much made that impossible.

Then, in 2017, 45 minutes after our 2nd daughter’s birthday ended (i.e. 12:45 am) - he decided to pick a fight with me when he came to bed. We’ll go into that in a later episode. But, the end result was me watching him commit suicide - gun to the head suicide.

Once the police & coroner left, and reality really hit the wave of grief & relief finally hit. To have those feelings at the same time is extremely hard to express & put into words. The grief is obvious - my spouse, my girls dad, my entire world just changed. But the realization that I NEVER fucking had to go through ANY of the abuse (mental, physical, emotional, and yes sexual) anymore was a monumentous relief. Almost unreal.

Fast forward to 2020 & I met my current husband Mike - my soulmate. I prayed for this man & God (or the creator or the universe - whatever term you use) gave him to me. We married in 2021.

In January of 2023 I almost lost him. He was going into organ failure & was on the brink of comatose. Yet again, God answered my prayers. I told God “You just gave him to me, you can’t possibly take him away already?!?”

Well he got stable, but not for long. At the end of May he went to the ER for severely low blood pressure. 2-3 days in the hospital & the drs tell us he would not leave the hospital ALIVE without a transplant. Well, we’re not in a large city with a transplant hospital, so we had to travel 4.5 hours away from home for this. After 2 days at the transplant hospital he was transferred to the ICU.

His kidneys were not functioning properly & he now required 24/7 continuous dialysis. It took 3 more weeks of testing & dialysis for him to be able to be listed for a transplant. He was finally listed on June 28, 2023. 2 1/2 days later on July 1, he was given a new chance at life. Thanks to a selfless donor.

He was int he ICU for 3 more weeks after the transplant. After being gone for almost 3 months, we were finally able to come home on August 12.

During that time - again I prayed & begged God not to take him. I had just gotten him. He gave him to me! Why would he take him away now?!?

HE DIDN’T!!!

Sorry that was a little longer than I had planned, but as short as I could make it.

So here’s the uncommon perspective part…. If I could go back & change anything I wouldn’t. If someone told me I could go back & change it and not have to live through all of that, I would not change it.

You see going through all of that had made me who I am today. And I love who I am and who I have become. I am not the same abused woman I wasn’t in 2017.

Now I’m sure you want to know - how the hell did I get this way?!?

A few different ways…. First EMDR therapy for PTSD of the watching of the suicide & the abuse. If you know anyone that has any sort of PTSD, I HIGHLY recommend EMDR Therapy. I did regular talk therapy - this helped navigate the “Nows” of daily life. Then through my local church I went through the Celebrate Recovery Step Study program. While yes it is a Christian based program, the REALNESS of people & the program are amazing. Truly a NO JUDGEMENT Zone. It is a program for anyone that has any sort of “Hurts, Habits, or Hang-ups”. No I’m not paid by them, I just think it is an amazing program. A great alternative for those who go to AA, Al-Anon, or other programs like that.

Lastly, I have been on a full blow spiritual awakening journey. This started very slowly & subtly. I didn’t even know I was doing it until I was!

So first things first - GRATITUDE.

Now I’m not talking going full blown philosophical to start. How I started, I made a list of 5 things everyday that I was grateful for. I started this before Chris died. So most days in the beginning I had a hard time finding those 5 things. They were basic when I did….

A roof over my head, a bed to sleep on, my morning coffee, food to eat, sleep….

At the start, everyday was pretty much the same shit. My life was like that movie Groundhog’s Day. But I did it, every day - 5 things I’m grateful for. Soon I started coming up with new things….

The flowers, the gorgeous sunsets we had in the desert, the rain.

The more I did it the more I found to be grateful for. And it just repeats & repeats. Pretty soon you realize you have this positive view on life & all the little things in it. You learn that maybe the waiting in traffic or the long line at the store is to save you from something or help you with something else. Nothing in life is a coincidence.

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

Even my husband committing suicide. Even almost loosing my 2nd husband to organ failure.

There are lessons in everything in life. You may not know the “why’s” right now, but I promise you - one day you will. One day it will all make sense & you will understand the why’s. You had to go through this, to become this. You had to do this so you could do that. There is a reason for everything. And once you start discovering & seeing those reasons, you will understand. This will allow you to love yourself & others more. It will give you the confidence to know that you can make it through anything. You already have, hopefully I can help make it easier for you.

Now, stay here - in just a minute you & I are going to practice the collective consciousness together with a prayer of gratitude to the Creator/God/the Universe - whoever/whatever you want to call it.

What is the Collective Consciousness? Simply put, it is when many people come together to “manifest” or “pray” for the same thing. And when you “manifest” you have to “know” that you already have it.

As the saying goes “Where 2 or 3 are gathered in my name, I AM there with them.”

So we’re going to say this together - you & me. I’ll start, you repeat. You don’t have to say it outloud, but do FEEL it in your heart! Feel the love of it!

Take 3 deep breaths. Think of what love feels like to you & feel it in your heart.

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Repeat after me:

Oh wondrous Creator, I want to thank you

Thank you for being here in my life always.

Thank you for guiding me & helping me heal from all that I have been through.

Thank you for always protecting me from hat with does not serve me & my higher purpose.

Thank you for placing the right people, places, & things in my life when I need them the most.

Thank you for providing abundance in my life.

God, thank you for loving me as I am.

As the person I am in this very moment.

Thank you for loving me no matter what I may have done or not done in my life.

Thank you great Creator for all of the big ways & small ways you love me.

I love you.

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This prayer will be int he transcript it you wish to cop it or print it out.

Say it often, say it with me. When WE say it together it is even more powerful. And yes, it works even with recordings.

It is the intention & love behind it that give it its power. And my intentions are to help you. To love YOU - even if you don’t feel loved or that you are worthy of love. You are.

This is my soul’s purpose in life to help others heal. Whether by love, prayer, listening, touch, wisdom, grace… In any way I can.

So My Love’s - Thank you so very much for listening! I do hope you’ll continue to listen and that you’ll find some sort of healing along the way.

Here are my parting words to you:

Have Faith. Give Grace. You ARE Worthy. And…. I love you.