[00:00:00] Leah Clionsky: Welcome to the Educated Parent Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Leah Clionsky, and I'm so excited that you're here today because I'm going to answer one of the most commonly asked questions that people ask me as a clinician and as a parent. How do I help my child with their big feelings? How do I help them understand and regulate their emotions?

[00:00:24] Leah Clionsky: And my answer is going to surprise you. And it's going to apply to both little kids and teenagers. You are listening to Educated Parent, the Parenting Podcast, where I teach you realistic expert parenting hacks to solve your everyday parenting problems so that you can reduce your stress, build your confidence as a parent, and raise thriving children.

[00:00:49] Leah Clionsky: My name is Dr. Leah Clionsky. And I'm a licensed clinical psychologist, owner of Thriving Child Center and PCIT experts, child psychology practices, and a real life parent of two young children. I am the same as you. I am invested in being the best parent possible and raising thriving children. I also get overwhelmed.

[00:01:11] Leah Clionsky: I make mistakes and I forget what works. I do have three unique parenting advantages that you may not have a PhD in. Child clinical psychology. Over 15 years of clinical experience working with families and a network of other experts that I can text for parenting advice. Whenever I'm lost. I'm here to bring my expertise.

[00:01:30] Leah Clionsky: And my expert network to you so that we can solve your everyday parenting dilemmas together. I am so glad you're here. So I'm so excited to talk about this topic because emotion regulation, being able to regulate your emotions is one of the most important things we can do as a human and an absolutely essential life skill for going places and getting along with other people.

[00:01:58] Leah Clionsky: So when I'm talking about emotion regulation, what I mean is being able to tolerate uncomfortable emotions. Like anger or sadness or frustration or disappointment or fear. Being able to tolerate those feelings to find ways of calming yourself down and being able to move through difficult situations.

[00:02:21] Leah Clionsky: This is really hard for kids. It's a skill that has to be built. It's also really hard for many adults. How do we help our kids learn to manage big feelings? And when parents talk to me about this, they will tell me the things that they've done, which are usually wonderful things. They're like, oh yes, we've been reading books about emotions.

[00:02:42] Leah Clionsky: We've been watching Daniel Tiger's episode about emotions. I've been coaching him to think this way instead. You know, it's not the worst thing, you know, I'm trying to give some new, more realistic thoughts. I'm trying to teach strategies, and they're like, let's take deep breaths. Let's take deep breaths.

[00:02:59] Leah Clionsky: And then he won't even take deep breaths, and he's yelling at me about it. You know, I've been telling him what to do and it hasn't been working, and I think the part of this that is so fascinating to me is that parents, and most of us forget a very specific learning strategy in these situations. The teaching strategy actually, and the teaching strategy.

[00:03:24] Leah Clionsky: Is modeling. So modeling is when we show somebody how to do something. It's like if you're trying to teach your child how to ride a bike, which is a complicated skill, right? That's involving a lot of motor movement and balance, and so what's the first thing you're gonna do? You're gonna get on your bike, right?

[00:03:45] Leah Clionsky: You're gonna get on your bike and you're gonna ride around and show them how it looks. And then you're gonna get on and you're gonna talk them through it. You're gonna say, well, first you put your leg over and you balance right? And then you get your other foot on the pedal and then you push off, and then you pedal and you balance straight.

[00:04:01] Leah Clionsky: Like you give them this commentary as you're doing it, this play by play of what exactly you are doing to stay on that bike. And then after that, then you help them on their bike and you talk them through the steps, but first they got to see you do it. You pulled back the curtain behind your bike riding ability and you gave them a play by play.

[00:04:24] Leah Clionsky: This is the part we are missing in teaching children emotion regulation. The part we are missing is showing our children our own emotion regulation and pulling back the curtain so they can actually see. How we do it, we don't do that part. And the reason we don't do that part is in our culture, good emotion regulation means that no one saw you do it right.

[00:04:50] Leah Clionsky: You experienced the uncomfortable emotion. You were able to use some strategies to calm yourself down, and if you're really doing it, no one can even see that you were dysregulated in the first place. So that is good emotion regulation in our culture. The problem is, is because we're so good at it, sometimes our kids don't actually see us do the process, so they just think we're unbothered.

[00:05:13] Leah Clionsky: The only emotion regulation that they see is when we mess up and can't calm down. Right? They see dysregulation, but they don't see regulation. So, let me give you an example. Let's imagine you're in the car and you're driving somewhere and you get stuck in traffic and you're feeling really frustrated. If you're regulating well internally, you're acknowledging, you're like, oh, wow, I'm so frustrated.

[00:05:37] Leah Clionsky: Can't believe we're stuck in traffic again. Right. And then you're maybe validating yourself, like, yeah, anyone would be upset right now, I think the thing to focus on is that we're safe in the car and we will get there eventually. And I'm just gonna keep on driving, right? You give yourself this pep talk, you reframe the situation.

[00:05:54] Leah Clionsky: Maybe you take some deep breaths, maybe you turn on the radio, like maybe you do something in order to regulate right then. And then you just keep driving and your kids just see you in the front seat. They don't see a thing. Where is it? Like, let's say you've had a really bad day or like getting somewhere really important was important to do quickly, and now you're stuck in traffic, right?

[00:06:13] Leah Clionsky: If you can't regulate, then you're there and you're like, stupid traffic. Can't believe I'm stuck in traffic. Maybe some profanity slips out and you're like, oh no, I just said that in front of my kids. You know, and then you're getting more and more agitated and your kids start asking questions, maybe start yelling at them, right?

[00:06:27] Leah Clionsky: And then you're like driving and maybe it's too fast. Like they see the dysregulation. So then when you try to sit down and talk them through their own frustration when something doesn't work out for them, they're like, wait, we have like never seen this. And like you didn't use that strategy at all earlier.

[00:06:45] Leah Clionsky: Right? They only see our dysregulation. So there is an easy fix for this problem, and the easy fix is that when you are regulating yourself through something that is relatively small, talk them through it, pull back the curtain. So maybe you're stuck in traffic and you're feeling frustrated, and you say to your kids, wow, I am stuck in traffic, and I'm starting to feel frustrated.

[00:07:12] Leah Clionsky: Yeah, I can feel it in my neck and in my shoulders, and even in my stomach. I have a. Really frustrated feeling right now. And then your kids might say, yeah, it's frustrating to be stuck in traffic. And you're like, yes it is. Yeah, I'm gonna see if I can think a thought that might help me. Does anyone have any suggestions?

[00:07:31] Leah Clionsky: And if your kids don't have any suggestions, you just move forward. But maybe one of your kids says it's not the worst thing in the world, and you're like, you know what? That's right. I need to remember that. It's not the worst thing in the world. And also the important thing is that we're safe in the car and we'll get there eventually.

[00:07:45] Leah Clionsky: So I just need to focus on those things. Oh, when I focus on those things, I start feeling a little bit better. Maybe I'm gonna take some deep breaths. Do you guys wanna take some deep breaths with me? Alright, let's all take some deep breaths together. Well, I'm feeling a little better now. I'm starting to feel less frustrated and more calm.

[00:08:05] Leah Clionsky: Maybe let's turn on a playlist and listen to something. Happy. Alright, this is working. I feel better now. See, like you are doing the same things you would do if you were silent. You're just pulling back the curtain and involving your kids in your problem solving. You see how that works? See, in that situation, they have seen you experienced an emotion.

[00:08:27] Leah Clionsky: You've talked about how you felt about that emotion. You've validated yourself right now. You've identified some new thinking and some calm down strategies that are maybe even introduced by your kids. And they get to see how that works. If you develop a practice of letting your kids in to your emotion regulation, then they will learn how it is done, and it's because they saw you do it.

[00:08:55] Leah Clionsky: So then when your child is building Legos and they won't stick together, they are able to remember what you did for yourself. And then if you're even there and you're like, huh, this reminds me about the car situation. Hmm. It looks like you're frustrated. Like I was in that situation. Then it like opens up a dialogue for that.

[00:09:13] Leah Clionsky: They might be like, yeah, I'm really frustrated. I'm gonna try to think about something that will help. Right? You've like opened this door where you're like, look at me. I also am human. I also have feelings. This is how I deal with my feelings. So you can use this in order to empower your children about how to deal with their feelings.

[00:09:33] Leah Clionsky: And if you do this, you're not like parenty them, right? You're not like, there's a difference between pulling back the curtain on times where you're regulating your emotions and where you're just like losing it and expecting your kids to be your therapist. That's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about finding times where you can show your kids your thought process and your skillset behind regulating, and you can do it over all kinds of small things like.

[00:10:00] Leah Clionsky: Oh no, I forgot to turn the oven on. Let me talk out loud about what that's like for me. Oh, no, I didn't put gas in the car. If you can talk them through your frustration tolerance, even your sadness about things can be really helpful. I've been pretty vulnerable in another episode with Dr. Ross where I was talking about how to help your kids through the death of a grandparent.

[00:10:23] Leah Clionsky: So if you've listened to that episode, you know that my mom died about a year ago, and that, of course, has been really hard. So there have been times where my kids have seen me sad and I talk myself through it in front of them. I'm like, yeah, I'm really sad right now. Sometimes grownups are really, really sad and there's nothing they can do to fix it.

[00:10:42] Leah Clionsky: And my kids are like, yeah, you know, usually their response to that is, you know, I would be sad too if my mom died. I'm like, yeah, it's pretty upsetting. You know, so I'm gonna take some deep breaths and I would love a hug, right? And they're like, okay, mommy, we'll give you a hug. And then I feel better. So it's, again, there's a difference between being so dysregulated that you're dependent on your kids to help you out.

[00:11:04] Leah Clionsky: Or pulling back the curtain on some vulnerability so they can see like, this is how adults do things. This is how adults deal with things. This is how adults are able to move through situations. So this is very powerful for little kids. This is also very powerful for teenagers who are trying to understand how to navigate things.

[00:11:27] Leah Clionsky: And for teenagers, you can pull out more complicated dynamics like you can talk about. Like a time that you and a friend disagreed. You don't have to give them the details, you know, and, and kind of get their thoughts on how you think things could be handled. Basically, your goal when you're doing this is teaching through your example.

[00:11:49] Leah Clionsky: It's not about needing them to save you, it's also not about looking so stoic that they don't know how you do things. It's about teaching, just like how you're teaching them to drive. You're teaching them how to navigate life. And there are emotions, and it is an extremely powerful thing that only you can give to your children.

[00:12:10] Leah Clionsky: So how do you do it? What are the steps? You know, you always wanna leave here with some actual strategies. So the first strategy is to pick a situation. You can pick a situation that's naturally happening to you, like if you're stuck in traffic. You can also pick a situation that just you can almost engineer, especially for a little kid.

[00:12:29] Leah Clionsky: Like maybe you are building some blocks and they fall over, and you just talk yourself through that situation. So you pick a situation where you are going to wanna show your emotion regulation, then you name the emotion that you're having and you identify some thoughts that might be helpful to you and some strategies that might help you calm down and then you use them with your child.

[00:12:53] Leah Clionsky: So those are the steps. So the first step is identify the situation. Think about it, you want it to be a pretty calm situation most of the time. You want it to be something you're actually really worked up about. Like pick something that you know you can regulate through, like making a small mistake. The second thing you wanna do is name your feeling frustrated, sad, disappointed, nervous, right name, and label your own emotion.

[00:13:19] Leah Clionsky: Let them know what it is you're feeling. If you wanna go even deeper, explain how it feels in your body like I did in that example, right? Because that's a different level of emotional understanding, like how emotions can show up. The third thing you're gonna do is you're gonna identify the reframe in your thoughts or the calm down strategy you need, and you can be really simple with it.

[00:13:40] Leah Clionsky: I'm gonna remind, even though I'm really, really disappointed that my tower fell, I'm gonna remind myself that I can build another tower. And then I'll probably really like that tower too. I'm gonna take some deep breaths. I'm gonna get a hug. Like really simple. Like you don't have to come up with a huge strategy or basically like what I want my child to do in this situation.

[00:14:01] Leah Clionsky: And then you show them how you do it. So those are the steps. Walk them through, demonstrate. And that way when they are in that situation, they will remember back. How you did it, how you felt about it, and how you reacted to it, and that makes it so much easier. When you're coaching them later. Alright, so if you need help with this, if you feel like your child has lots of big feelings and they don't know what to do with them, we can help you over at Thriving Child Center or PCIT experts.

[00:14:33] Leah Clionsky: We can help you work with them to identify their emotions, and we can also work with you in demonstrating how to deal with emotions well, if you feel that you really struggle with your emotions, if even walking your child through some simple emotion regulation. Seems really hard. You're like, wow, I have to teach my child this thing that even I don't know how to model.

[00:14:55] Leah Clionsky: Definitely join our comma Connected program for parents. All we're doing there is helping parents with those emotion regulation skills. That's it. It's really non-judgmental, you know, it's really inclusive and the goal is for parents to walk away feeling like they know how to keep themselves calm and connected so that they can show those skills to their kids and feel proud of themselves for how they're dealing with emotions.

[00:15:20] Leah Clionsky: Actually, I should add that as I'm throwing this in at the end, I also talk my kids through times when I am feeling happy and proud because I wanna teach them how to celebrate. So I will say something to my kids like, guess what guys? Today I'm really proud of myself because I was really nervous to try a new thing, and I did it anyway, and when I tried a new thing, I felt so happy and so proud.

[00:15:49] Leah Clionsky: And my kids will say, yeah, we're really proud of you too. That is hard. And like it was so hard and I did it anyway. And now I think we should have a dance party to celebrate because it's good to celebrate when we do hard things. So you can bring them in on your joy also and on you being proud of yourself.

[00:16:07] Leah Clionsky: You want your kid to be proud of themselves. Let them see you being proud of yourself. Act out your values and let them see you do it. So I had to throw that in. I almost forgot to mention that, but I think that that's a real important key of emotion regulation. All right. Well, I'm glad that you were here today.

[00:16:25] Leah Clionsky: I appreciate your time. I hope this is helpful to you. Remember that if you would like to get these three tips in a PDF form, which we do create, all you have to do is sign the link below for our newsletter and you will get that PDF, and it will give you all of these strategies in easy to see format.

[00:16:45] Leah Clionsky: Alright, I hope you having a fantastic week. Take great care of yourself and I'll see you here next Tuesday. Thanks again for spending time with me on Educated Parent. If this episode helped you feel more confident in handling those parent curve balls, hit follow so you never miss an episode. Know a parent who's stuck in the endless cycle of conflicting advice.

[00:17:08] Leah Clionsky: Send this their way because we all deserve parenting strategies we can actually trust and hey. If you have a minute, leave a review. Your support helps other parents find real expert backed solutions instead of just another opinion online. One last quick reminder. This podcast offers general advice, but every family is different.

[00:17:30] Leah Clionsky: The advice offered in this podcast is not medical advice and is not appropriate for every family. If you need personalized parenting support, connect with an experienced clinician at Thriving Child Center or PCIT experts. That's it for today. Thanks for listening, and I'll talk to you next time.